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/lit/ - Literature

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11628510 No.11628510 [Reply] [Original]

How do you like my first poem?
It's about my child abuse and psychological agitation I dealt with as a teen. Living on a concrete floo


Water drips to my face
Broken concrete down below
Ugly odour fills this place
Paranoid fate all i know

Mental hell, crushed dreams
Threaded death teases from above
Distorted internal screams
Angels inviting me to their heaven of love

Mental issues apparant
Graphic issues become real
Ultraviolence inherent
Now you will learn how I feel

>> No.11628514

I'm sorry about your childhood but this bad

>> No.11628515

>>11628510
not good but would probably work as a song

>> No.11628516

I don't think I'm gonna bother reading it tbqh LMAO!!!

>> No.11628523

>>11628514
>>11628515
It's ok. I'll get better!

>> No.11628554

>>11628523
Yeah man just keep reading poetry and look at the things that really have an effect on you and try and break down the components of those poems to see what it is within them that you can absorb into your writing

>> No.11628592

How about my meta modern poem which I will now write, also about my awesome childhood.

The girls kissed me in the snow

One was ugly, the other one was pretty like snow

an older friend sexually violated me while there was wind and snow

My parents moved and took me away before it was snow

they did it again when there was no snow

there is no snow

the woman says Pokemon go to the polls but is actually snow

Poetry is for fags lmao

>> No.11628650

>>11628510
Start counting your syllables, I think this would read best at 7 per line.
This could make for some OK death metal lyrics.

>> No.11629018

>>11628510
The uneven meter is probably the biggest problem here. It reads like the first draft, an unfinished poem. I would suggest finding a meter you enjoy writing in (Iambic Pentameter usually works rather well with ABAB rhyme scheme such as this). Also, it's very direct and "on the nose". It would do better to be more ambiguous, allowing the reader to reach the conclusion after a period of reflection and study (I would recommend researching Hemingway's Iceberg Theory, it was intended for prose but it carries over nicely to verse). I think you have it in you to write at least semi-decent poetry - this, for all it's flaws, is still leagues ahead of that poetic terrorism known as Instapoetry (Rupi Kaur and her ilk). I wish you good luck on your literary journey, and if there's one main piece of advice I can give you, its to never stop improving. Too many poets (artists in general) fall into complacency with their work after they reach a certain standard, which usually leads to stagnation and subsequent decline.

>> No.11629023

>>11628592
Keked

>> No.11629075

>>11629018
>>11628554
I appreciate it :3 I like reading and all that but reading poetry correctly and writing is new to me. I'll keep trying though~~

>> No.11629428

>>11629075
Idiot

>> No.11630850

>>11629428
Not nice...