Pun and Games

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Pun and Games Anonymous Mon Sep 27 16:06:24 2010 No.1162727 [Reply] [Original]

Yo /lit/

Give me your best puns. They can be from wherever - your life, books, films - I don't care, as long as they're ridiculously bad.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 16:06:24 2010 No.1162730 use a pun, go to jail

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 16:08:24 2010 No.1162737 Knock knock who's there? Sebastian. Sebastian who? Sebastian of society.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 16:10:24 2010 No.1162741 I thought about studying astronomy at university but I knew I would just be taking up space.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 16:11:24 2010 No.1162744 A bacteria walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'We don't serve bacteria in this place.' The bacteria said, 'But I work here, I'm staph.'

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 16:13:24 2010 No.1162748 Why did the chef have brown hands? He kneaded a poo.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 16:15:24 2010 No.1162751 bartender: we don't serve your kind here rope: ah, that's too bad (exits) rope: (enters) hey, barkeep, a brewski bartender: weren't you the rope i just kicked out of here? rope: nope, i'm a frayed knot

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 16:15:24 2010 No.1162752 My English teacher's holding a board pen in each hand. "I'm a board pen." "Really? I'm quite interested actually."

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 16:15:24 2010 No.1162753 Did you hear about the backwards poet? He wrote inverse.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 16:15:24 2010 No.1162754 I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 16:18:24 2010 No.1162759 File: 19 KB, 301x293, Capture.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] He who would pun would pick a pocket.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 16:18:24 2010 No.1162760 There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 16:19:24 2010 No.1162762 It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 16:20:24 2010 No.1162764 File: 64 KB, 450x594, Just wing it paul.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] Beats all.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 16:20:24 2010 No.1162763 James Joyce said that the Roman Catholic Church was built upon a pun.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 16:21:24 2010 No.1162768 I didn't realize she was underage but then I learned that, in this neighborhood, fifteen will get you twenty.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 16:22:24 2010 No.1162770 >>1162763 upon this rock will i build my church?

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 16:24:24 2010 No.1162776 File: 30 KB, 370x296, Jefferson-Starship-pictures-1975-BC-3180-014-l.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>1162770 WE BUILT THIS CHURCH ON ROCK AND ROOOOOLLLLLL

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 16:26:24 2010 No.1162780 >>1162770 Yeah. It's more of a pun in Greek and Latin....Peter / petrify / petroleum all having the same root.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 16:56:24 2010 No.1162849 better Nate than lever!

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 17:11:24 2010 No.1162891 File: 64 KB, 466x500, grumpy_old_man.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] OOOOH GOD >>MFW seeing this thread seriously you guys it's that bad! It's not even like a thread that is so bad it's good.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 17:38:24 2010 No.1162948 Dog with three legs hobbles into a saloon, goes up to the bar as silence falls and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 17:47:24 2010 No.1162965 >>1162891 Don't like our Shakespearean wordplay? Then I suggest you flee this hamlet.

Ambassador D'Vinn !!X2oGg5TpEPB Mon Sep 27 17:51:24 2010 No.1162971

Between three medieval kingdoms was a lake. In the middle of this lake was an island, which the three kingdoms had been fighting tirelessly for for quite some time. Eventually, the three all unanimously decided to have one final battle royale, on the island itself, to determine ownership. So, they all sent their armies to the island the night before the battle to prepare.
The first kingdom sent five knights, and each of those knights had six squires attending their needs; cooking meals, polishing armor, sharpening weapons, and what-not.
The second kingdom sent ten knights, each with twelve squires. These squires also were busy hurrying around making sure everything was perfect for the knights, who were all meditating on the battle.
The third kingdom only sent one knight, and this knight only had one squire. Since they were short on people, the squire simply tied a pot to a rope and hung the rope from a tree to cook dinner, and left it to cook while he readied the knight's weapons and armor.
When the next morning's sun rose, the squires all rushed to the middle of the island (this was far too menial a task for the knights, really) to engage in battle with the others. The battle raged on all day, and when the dust finally cleared, the lone squire from the third kingdom was the only one left standing, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to or greater than the sum of the other two sides.

>>	Ugly Cat Makes You !!EV1Q0lbftVU Mon Sep 27 17:51:24 2010 No.1162972 Stalins grave is just another communist plot.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 17:55:24 2010 No.1162980 I was gonna be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients!

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 17:55:24 2010 No.1162977 I was gonna be a cardiologist, but I didn't have the heart!

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 17:56:24 2010 No.1162982 I was gonna be a neurologist but I didn't have the brains!

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 17:57:24 2010 No.1162986 I was gonna take up clockmaking but I didn't have the time!

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 17:58:24 2010 No.1162990 A monster truck asks a golfcart why he's moving so slowly, the golfcart responds: "I'm just a little tired...that's all"

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 17:59:24 2010 No.1162994 I was gonna be lorry driver, but I had no truck for it.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 17:59:24 2010 No.1162995 I was gonna be a gastrointerologist, but I didn't have the guts!

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 18:01:24 2010 No.1163002 A cow jumping over a barbed wire fence: Udder destruction!

Anonymous Mon Sep 27 18:05:24 2010 No.1163009

There once was a kingdom ruled by a bear. The King loved music greatly, and if someone came to his court and sang well, they would be awarded with a Knighthood and the lands and wealth that came with such. Mediocre singers got nothing--but if someone sang poorly enough, the King, overcome with wrath, would smite the would-be Knight with one great paw, killing him instantly.

Now the King, being a gentle King, always felt bad about his actions, and would award the greiving family of the man he'd slain with an adorable puppy dog to help heal their hearts. The King dearly loved puppies, and could think of no greater consolation prizes, such as a big bag of cash. However, if the family treated the dog badly, the King would once again become wroth and have the entire family put to death.

The moral of the story is: For the mourning after a terrible Knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that hit you.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 18:05:24 2010 No.1163010 For De Mille, young fur–henchmen can’t be rowing.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 18:05:24 2010 No.1163011 >>1162971 Son of a bitch.

Anonymous Mon Sep 27 18:06:24 2010 No.1163014

Orson Wells portrayed a spy, in the motion picture The Third Man. During World War II, the spy was a British agent known by the code name, Harry Lime. Harry was very near-sighted and wore thick glasses. His assignment behind enemy lines, disguised, as a German Officer would have been impossible, except that the Americans had invented a new form of lens for the myopic. These contact lenses were undergoing clinical trials at the Walter Reed Naval Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland. Arrangements were made to transport Harry secretly to Bethesda by submarine to be fitted by the lens crafters. Harry, among other things, had had several dalliances, and it was known that he had an old flame in nearby Washington. The authorities were afraid that Harry would use this opportunity in America to take an unauthorized vacation. They decided that they must make his instructions very explicit. Therefore, just before leaving for the ship, he was called to the control office where he was given this direct order!

"YOU ARE TO GO DIRECTLY FROM THE SUB, LIME, TO THE REED OCULIST."

Anonymous Mon Sep 27 18:07:24 2010 No.1163022

Clark, Lois, and Jimmy were striding down the streets of Metropolis one sunny afternoon. As they passed a construction site, Lois noticed a worker carrying a load of bricks up the ladder on his shoulder. She stopped dead, looked hard at him; then turned to the others and said," Someone should write a song: 'Bricking Up is Hod to Do'." Jimmy Olsen stopped dead in his tracks, slapped his thigh, and let loose a series of guffaws that reverberated across the street. He suddenly paused mid-laugh and looked at Clark, who stood there, stoic as ever. "Gee, Mr. Kent that was a real laugh. Don't you get it?" "Sorry, Jimmy," replied Clark Kent. "I ignore those. Remember that puns are the Lois form of humor."

>>	GTVA Colossus !moot/UIi/o Mon Sep 27 18:11:24 2010 No.1163038 What does sliced bread and a fawn made of cheese have in common? They're both a gouda deer.

zHart Mon Sep 27 18:26:24 2010 No.1163096

My father was big into gardening, and i mean big. he loved gardening so much, that despite the constant pleads from my mother against it, he quit his job at a very prestigious firm to start his own flower shop in downtown. My father was a hard work, and a friendly soul. Very soon he gained a reputation for his lovely floral arangements and impecable customer service. in no time he started getting orders from celebrities and royalty and became somewhat of a local celebrity himself. Now i come from a small town, so people around here care for their own. One day the church decided that our little town was the perfect place for their new monistary and built the large building a block and half from my fathers shop. Much to the chagrin of the local townsfolk, these monks started their own flower shop after seeing how profitable and well loved my father was in his. They needed some good will going their way, because the monks were well known for their drunken tom-foolery and this and that around town. from the day they moved in their shenanigans never ceased. At a town meeting, the citizens decided that something must be done with these monks, and to this point they hired a big shot lawyer from the city to represent my father and his humble shop (although my pa never asked them to). This lawyer was a real slick talker, and dressed to match, but he so dearly desired to connect with us simple folk that he had us call him by his first name. Hugh, was a great lawyer from what i could tell, and eventually, he fought against the monks and won and got them to stop their flower sales immediately. A huge victory for the town and an even better lesson learned. Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 18:35:24 2010 No.1163116 >>1163096 OK I audibly groaned at that one

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 18:41:24 2010 No.1163134 A mushroom walks into a bar, the bartender tells him they don't serve his kind. The mushroom responds, "Come on! I'm a Fun Guy!"

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 18:42:24 2010 No.1163139 >For DeMille, young fur-henchmen can't be rowing.

Anonymous Mon Sep 27 18:44:24 2010 No.1163148

There's a mollusk, see? And he walks up to a sea, well he
doesn't walk up, he swims up. Well, actually the mollusk isn't moving. He's in one place and then the sea cucumber, well they--I mixed up. There was a mollusk and a sea cucumber...None of them were walking, so forget that I--

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 18:45:24 2010 No.1163154 >>1163148 With fronds like these, who needs anemones!

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 18:53:24 2010 No.1163187 >>1162971 This one made me physically ill.

Anonymous Mon Sep 27 18:57:24 2010 No.1163200

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....

A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 19:00:24 2010 No.1163218 There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did

>>	Ambassador D'Vinn !!X2oGg5TpEPB Mon Sep 27 19:00:24 2010 No.1163219 File: 50 KB, 640x480, blasting off again never felt so goooood.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>1163200 I stand defeated.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 27 19:03:24 2010 No.1163226 >>1163200 I've always hated this one. Maybe because it's so overused? I dunno...

>>	TX2 Mon Sep 27 19:25:24 2010 No.1163309 Okay... Picture Grendel's Mother in a swimsuit running in slow motion BeoWatch

>>	TX2 Mon Sep 27 19:32:24 2010 No.1163333 http://images.4channel.org/f/src/enter.swf Dug this one out of my old old old folder.

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/lit/ - Literature