/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.11572622]

Comfy Poetry critique thread
Post your poems and rate other anon's stuff , they are not going to be read by anyone but those anons anyway.

Relentless ruler which does claim my heart,
Is yours the tenderness that I will deal
Eternally, to soothe my pride's sick art
And cloud the truths thine secrets will unseal
Will God deny me of this sacred act?
Will other soul achieve the greatest deed?
To rise your countenance in solemn pact
And feel your warm touch glorified by need
Behold! The mirths that through my body seep
Awaking weary ecstasy. Arise!
For Even Neptune, though his waters deep,
Lacks mysteries of thine uncultured eyes.
And yet regards of love I ask of thee
No other work or art can set me free

[Anonymous No.11572764]

Oh will thou judge my words with secret bore
If they don't sound as sweetest melody
Or will thy eyes in loathe for me implore
Thy urgent need to lack my company
Of roses nearly I forget to Speak
Thine beauty steals my voice, gentle thief
And only murmurs I can sharply shriek
As courage fades and lends but weak relief
Two fallen angels, lost in simple stare
Forget that love in tyrrany proclaim
'No sound nor light in my presence shall dare
To shine against my glowing rich domain'
In truth, believe me, I do love you mute
For love is silent whilst he plays his flute

[Anonymous No.11572790]

Noble mangoe tree
Silent on the windy field
Buddha learns from thee


Dawn breaks at my house
The crying monkey of yore
Resting, cries no more

Singing birds that fly
Will you took over walking
When yours is the sky?

A flower blossoms
Under gentle sunset rays
Grows by her own ways

[Anonymous No.11572809]

>>11572790
Correction
>Singing birds that fly
Will you toil over walking
When yours is the sky*

[Anonymous No.11573262]

>>11572764
I like how genuinely antiquated this sounds, what inspired you to write in this style? It very seamlessly imitates old English poetry not only in it's style and lexicon but also it's substance, I wonder how well it ties in to contemporary emotion.

For four by four before the dawn
I saught a sailing ship anon
and on upon the great beyond
I found myself so lost, so gone

Crisis cross'd and lost indeed
Fire feigned and fixed at the stake
The burning betwixt callous coals create
A modest pyre to burn

[Anonymous No.11573863]

>>11572622
Does anyone actually read contemporary poetry?

[Anonymous No.11574091]

>>11572764
Bretty good imitation of the old masters. Line 6 should be 'thy' not 'thine'

>>11572790
I don't know how to critique eastern forms, but I like this.

[Anonymous No.11574269]

>Avanti!

If brought to your knees ten times, you rise
another ten, another hundred, another five hundred:
so violent your falls ought not to be
neither, by logic, so numerous.

With the genial hunger with which the plants
assimilate greedily the humus,
swallowing the resentment of the affronts
were thus shaped the blessed and the saints.

Donkey-like obsession, to be strong,
no more needs the newborn,
and in any poor devil I figure
that the hooks of luck are dented...

All the incurables have cure
five seconds before their death!

>Piu avanti!

Do not give up, even defeated,
do not feel a slave, even enslaved;
trembling with fright, think yourself brave,
and assault fiercely, when badly hurt.

Have the tenacity of the rusted nail
that old and ruined, is nail again;
not the coward stupidity of the turkey
that shrinks its feathers at the first noise.

Do like God who never cries;
or like Lucifer, who never prays;
or like the oak grove, that in its greatness
needs water but does not plea...

May it bite and clamor vengeful,
rolling in the dust, your head!
Thoughs on this? They are written by Pedro Bonifacio Almafuerte, an argie. And it's an amateur translation btw.

[Anonymous No.11574848]

>>11573262
In times when you can do just anything in a verse and call it Poetry, what is more countercultural than returning to the old masters? I really grew jaded of all the ebig modernist shit, even though I realise that's a very narrow minded view.

Also, I don't think it is needed to draw a line between the old and the new. Be it from 2018 or 1400, the man is the same.

[Anonymous No.11574852]

these are all so pretentious

[Anonymous No.11574903]

Todo se tiñe de guinda
Y lloro caligenofobia
Y el oxigeno se vuelve azúcar
Y el tiempo se hace vapor.

Somos limon y menta
Somos culpa y perdón
Y en el vivir del corazón
Se va perdiendo la cuenta.

No quiero dejar de pensar
En el qué, el cómo y el cuándo
Pero quiero seguir jugando
A dejarme llevar por el mar.

Estoy desapareciendo
Completamente del mundo
Y en un milisegundo
Todo en el mundo entiendo.

Y en el eterno remolino
De cenizas y crepúsculo
Me voy sintiendo tan minúsculo
Y al mismo tiempo tan divino.

Todo se tiñe de guinda
Y lloro caligenofobia
Y el oxigeno se vuelve azúcar
Y el tiempo se hace vapor.

(Everything gets dyed cherry
And I cry caligentophobia
And oxygen turns to sugar
And time turns to vapour.

We are lemon and mint
We are guilt and forgiveness
And in the heart’s living
The account is being lost.

I don’t want to stop thinking
About the what, the how and the when
But I want to keep playing
To let myself be carried by the sea.

I’m dissapearing
Completely from the world
And in one millisecond
Everything in the world I understand.

And in the eternal whirlpool
Of ashes and twilight
I'm leaving feeling so tiny
And at the same time so divine.

Everything gets dyed cherry
And I cry caligentophobia
And oxygen turns sugar
And time turns vapour).

[Anonymous No.11575256]

>>11573262
>and on upon the great beyond
So you shortened that line in the end.

[Anonymous No.11575283]

Words

Turn them around,
Take them from behind (cry, you whores),
Whip them,
Feed sugar to these rebels,
Inflate them, balloons, poke them,
Slurp their blood and marrows,
Dry them,
Castrate them,
Step on them, gallant rooster,
Twist their neck, you cook,
Pluck them,
Gut them, you bull,
Ox, drag them,
Make them, poet,
Make them swallow all their words.

[Anonymous No.11575367]

>>11574903
yikes

[Anonymous No.11575392]

>>11572622
Aw yeah oh yeah fuck yeah
Oh god oh oh yeah give it to me
Give it to me slp slp slp slp slp give it to me
Fuck ah oh god fuck yeah fuck
Fuck me fuck me tighter fuck oh
Thlup thlup thlup thlup thlup
Bdnnnnnnnnnsssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Click
Uh
All these fuckin videos the same

Title of poem: À pornographie (its feminist)

[Anonymous No.11575438]

>>11572764
2/10 You clearly could have put more effort into this. Did you not edit it? I rolled my eyes so hard I gave myself a migraine :|

>>11572790
9/10 Finally, someone on /lit/ who can string verse together. Rare is the feeling of having your platelets reorganized while rolling your eyes over e-poet-posting, but wow is it refreshing.

>>11573262
1/10 I think I dislocated my jaw with my yawn. I hope this was a joke? Not that it's a good one. Can you go back to not posting anything? Listen, faggot, you wasted my time for no discernible reason, please refrain from doing to in the future, you have no talent, not one centimeter, not a God damned inch, drop or breath of anything that could be mistaken as worthwh—look at me. Look. At. Me. Just stop.

>>11574269
8.5/10 You'd make Quintilian quiver. Need I say more =)

>>11574903
7/10 You have mountains of promise. This taught fountain of flowers is fun, but too limited. I think you can probably aim wider and higher and take us for a real ride. Keep it up!

>>11575283
0/10 I wrote a long, insightful comment but deleted it. You don't deserve it. Or this.

[Anonymous No.11575490]

>>11575438
You literally liked the most clichéd poem about "be strong xD" but gave 0/10 to my poem and said I don't deserve your criticism lol did you crawl out of ledd*t?

[Anonymous No.11575553]

I won't rate them X/10 because poetry is not a matter of quality control. Poetry is a living organism, not a condom or a cheese burger. I'll simply share my thoughts after reading your poems, don't take them seriously,

>>11572790
Why do people insist on using "thee"? It feels like you're mimicking poets from centuries ago, it stops sounding natural for a modern-day poem, anyway.

There's rhymes here but the imagery is weak and devoid of meaning.

>>11573262
Are you writing poems for 4chan? Remove that "anon" bullcrap. I enjoyed the second part, though.

>>11574269
>Have the tenacity of the rusted nail that old and ruined, is nail again;

I liked that image.

>>11574903
Didn't like most of the poem but "Oxygen turns sugar" is an interesting line.

>>11575283
Words are personified, I like the idea and the final line.

>>11575392
Still better than most pop songs nowadays.

[Anonymous No.11575705]

>>11575490
0/10 reply too, but what would anyone expect? Glad I didn't expend energy on you =(

[Anonymous No.11575713]

>>11575553
What a mess. This isn't really criticism, coherent or correct. Or useful.

[Anonymous No.11575737]

>>11575713
I never claimed it was any of that, did you not read the first sentences? This >>11575438
is also not useful criticism. "You have mountains of promise". Fuck off.

[Anonymous No.11575745]

>>11572764
>>11575283
only good ones, the rest can go home now.

[Anonymous No.11575750]

>>11575737
Let's not drag down the quality of this thread with your impotent whining. Got any good poetry?

[Anonymous No.11575768]

>>11575750
>Let's not drag down the quality of this thread with your impotent whining
>>11575713

[Anonymous No.11575790]

>>11575768
And yet you continue. A cutting and insightful poem would be better.

[Anonymous No.11575807]

>>11575737
>>11575768
Nobody cares,
What you have to say.
Because when you're a faggot,
Your opinion is gay.

[Anonymous No.11575816]

>>11575807
A, B, C, B. Pretty mediocre on the syllable count. You can open an Instagram account now. Congratulations.

[Anonymous No.11575837]

>>11575816
ESL fags pls go to containment thread

[Anonymous No.11575845]

>>11575837
Make me, faggot.

[Anonymous No.11575853]

Why "boner"?
When a pelvis accelerates
Who, after all, performs action?
No dick;
No deity;
But man!
Braggingly, men bellow:
"Chad boned chelsea"
Not "Chad's chub boned Chelsea"
Hence,
Chad is the boner.
His chub the bone.
His chick the bonee.

[Anonymous No.11576597]

A dour knight, marred in armor and soul
Was lead to the shade of a date-tree
By a tweeting Hoopoe. Three days passed
Prior, during which he'd wandered
Through empty pastures, listless as a stray calf.

Leaned by the trunk,
He remembered the stark bleakness of air
Bloomed with the aroma of slain men;
Bitter wafts whirred from an ice matted garden.
He contemplated his virtues and swat at his memories.

"Is honor really a sufficient pulse
To inspire my welted heart
In this void of misery,
This hopelessness of war?"
He wrote, and again the Hoopoe chirped distantly.

His eyes traced the sound and observed
Rain falling, silver and heavy,
Focused on a single plot of the wood.
He was drawn to the mark as if by instinct
An invisible lure tugged at his chest.

He dreamily approached the sight, and there!
Over the shrubberies! Abundant stalks
And orchards swelled with ebullient fruit
A majestic lustre, golden, sovereign;
The lance of light solidly pierced his heart

Flat on the dirt, the knight now lay
At the hearth of the Exquisite
Without contemplation, without lament
He giggles like a child
He remembers the Truth.

[Anonymous No.11576603]

Poetry is so fucking lame. This is a cringe thread.

[Anonymous No.11576607]

A dour knight, marred in armor and soul
Was lead to the shade of a date-tree
By a tweeting Hoopoe. Three days passed
Prior, during which he'd wandered
Through empty pastures, listless as a stray calf.

Leaning on the trunk,
He remembered the stark bleakness of air
Bloomed with the aroma of slain men;
Bitter wafts whirred from an ice matted garden.
He contemplated his virtues and swat at his memories.

"Is honor really a sufficient pulse
To inspire my welted heart
In this void of misery,
This hopelessness of war?"
He wrote, and again the Hoopoe chirped distantly.

His eyes traced the sound and observed
Rain falling, silver and heavy,
Focused on a single plot of the wood.
He was drawn to the mark as if by instinct
An invisible lure tugged at his chest.

He dreamily approached the sight, and there!
Over the shrubberies! Abundant stalks
And orchards swelled with ebullient fruit
A majestic lustre, golden, sovereign;
The lance of light solidly pierced his heart

Flat on the dirt, the knight now lay
At the hearth of the Exquisite
Without contemplation, without lament
He giggles like a child
He remembers the Truth.

[Anonymous No.11576715]

I need to be really vague
But wordy like shakespeare
Talk about love or nature
Kings and queens
Loss and heartbreak

It needs to have soul
Be careless and light
As if my mind were elsewhere
Picking flowers in a field or some gay shit

Indirect and seemingly directionless
Like Im just putting words on paper
And letting my soul speak for itself
Like morning fog and a gentle breeze

It needs to feel weightless
Like there's nothing there
But there is
Even if it was never meant

[Anonymous No.11576716]

>>11572622
>And feel your warm boob

[Anonymous No.11576884]

>>11576603
pilled and redbased

[Anonymous No.11576930]

THOUEST HAD BETTEREST LIKEUS ME
IM A POET WITH NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT
YOU SEE, I'M BORING AND I WANK TOO
CARTOON ANIME AND VIDEO GAMES
THROUGH THE NIGHT, I EAT NOTHING BUT
SHITE, I HAVE WIKIPEDIA AND A SEARCH ENGINE
LIGHT ROLLS AROUND, AND I LOG OFF
TO SLEEP I GO, HOPING I DIE LIKE A
MOTH


t. Your life

[Anonymous No.11576942]

>>11576930

[Anonymous No.11577721]

>>11576603

Poetry is very beautiful once you get a better understanding of it anon, don't knock it over some prejudices you have or whatever.

>>11576715

Stop writing about how a poet writes and actually dig in yourself to write like that. Take more time with your words, meditate if you need to. Writing with your soul is definitely real but you should talk about it less and try harder to just do it. Learn to channel your inner essence into words. I know I'm being vague but insh'allah if you take time to understand these things you can do it too! Keep working anon.

[Anonymous No.11577831]

>>11572622
I think you need to use some stronger words with substitutive feet to have a greater punch when it's read, and the quatrains seem to jump from slightly ither subjects very suddenly when they should be further complicating the problem that the narrator speaks of in the first quatrain. You also have the turn revealing itself before the couplet, but that is only a minor thing in comparison because many poets, even Shakespeare, had issues with that. I like it a lot compared to the poetry I see often here.
>>11572764
A lot of the same can be said for this one as well.

Here's my poem, posted in previous threads, but I'd like some more feedback:
Morning mountains in the mist,
I so sorely your sights missed,
For from sea to silver sea,
None your equal could I see,
That when cramped upon my cot,
Fevered dreams of thee I caught.
Fin’lly home my journey led
Yet through so much death and lead,
For these dangers did I do,
My pay, thy simple sunris’d dew.

[Anonymous No.11577846]

>>11573262
I really like the assonance and alliteration, but the reader is very much tired of the rhyme in the first stanza after the fourth word. The meter also changes in the second stanza, and I think that would work much better if there were four more stanzas with every other one having the changing meter of your second; it would give the poem its own rhythm.

[Anonymous No.11577848]

>>11574269
Have some really good lines in here, but others lack power

[Anonymous No.11579051]

>>11575256
Yeah I did :) thanks anon

[Anonymous No.11579068]

>>11575438
Ouch. Sorry you feel that way, anon. I don't mean to be rude but I'm going to keep posting, and i think you'll probably still have your time wasted :(

It might please you to know I don't plan on pursuing a literary career

[Anonymous No.11579079]

>>11575553
Uh, anon is an actual word my friend

[Anonymous No.11579089]

>>11577846
Thanks :) I'll try that

[Anonymous No.11579507]

a haiku I wrote after spotting my crush across the street and not having the balls to say hi.

"in purple she was
as bright as a dove in love
my muse my only one"

was it gay?

[Anonymous No.11579544]

>>11579507
where's the juxtaposition?

[Anonymous No.11579619]

>>11575853
1/10 Disaster. Embarrassing. But you knew that in your heart, I mean you posted it here. Why not a 0? Two words: After All

>>11576607
7/10 Pretty decent but a few ooga booga level lines, okay a handful but you're heading in the right direction.

>>11576603
10/10 Witty brevity levitating over the lightweights... but why post it here in a poetry-only /lit/ thread? Give it to a qt.

>>11576607
4/10 A lot like a truck driving into my truck. My truck is a real truck. Take your truck and crash it into a tree instead.

>>11576715
1/10 Why the 1? Read it aloud.

>>11577831
5/10 Almost readable. But not quite. Don't fight those suicidal thoughts so hard.

>>11579507
Yeah -_-

[Anonymous No.11579766]

>>11579619
it was off the cuff I get it. I thought the dove part was gay. I'll be back with it revised.

[Anonymous No.11580184]

>>11579089
Your welcome. I just hope what I was trying to say was clear and understandable.

[Anonymous No.11580242]

>>11579619
What do you think would make this >>11577831 better specifically?

[Anonymous No.11580260]

>>11572622
Fuck, dude, stop writing like you're from a different century. This is pretentious garbage.

[Anonymous No.11580262]

>>11574903
fucking cringe. holy shit, stick to writing in english.

[ق No.11580818]

I come of an old people, who
knew the Garden of Eden the oldest ghetto.
We hid our nakedness
only because God was already guilty
at his own invisibility:
how dared we brandish the testicles
of the Lord - and not confess.
I come of an old people, who
had Hebrew names only,
and we conceived of one Creator
only, to center our terror;
a poor Thing, later, who
in showing love, had to hide his manhood;
but that was not our doing, we
who brandished the testicles of the Lord
over Enemy and Lover.
I come of an old people, who
made the golden candelabra of the genitals
to burn in man's cold; we only
had the right to smash the tablets of the Lord
over our stiffnecked members;
the Word of God now lives
from hand-to-mouth-
in total perversion.
You other peoples must make a Lucifer
to forgive yourselves.
But I come of an old people unforgivable
for the act of Creation;
be we do not ask remission,
we do not want remission, for we
break evenly with life and death, female
and male destroyed Him both
in the wrath of comedy -
tearing Him into child.

[Anonymous No.11580862]

>>11580262
Some retarded Anglo ( >>11575438 )
actually gave this shit a 7/10 HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

[Anonymous No.11580901]

>>11580862
>actaully reading these and not jsut giving random assessments

[Anonymous No.11580906]

-PSA for the Rapture-

Even the air between us
is room for the darkness
to grow.

The things you do,
the words you utter,
the memories you recall,
all of these are being
watched and studied.

A note has been taken
for all your sins,
and the list is adding up.

You will face the beast
made of your mistakes one day,
and no weapon will avail you.

You will only survive if
you reconcile with your
secrets.

[Anonymous No.11580922]

One of the poems submitted ITT is from a Nobel Prize of Literature winner lol nice trolling whoever posted that, I won't tell which one,, you people are delusional.

[Anonymous No.11580931]

>>11580906
yourself with your secrets would work better for meter and sibilance imo

[Anonymous No.11580952]

>>11580931
That actually sounds amazing. Thank you.

[Anonymous No.11580983]

>>11580818
Consider toning down the references to dick and balls

[Anonymous No.11581027]

a lover's heart
fleeting as dew on the meadow
a spark that paints the sky
and briefly extinguishes
like a shortened candle

[Anonymous No.11581041]

>>11581027
>a lover's fart
>fleeting as dew on the mountain
>a spark that paints the sky
>and briefly extinguishes
>like a shortened candle

FTFY

[Anonymous No.11581365]

>>11580862
lol fucking anglos speaking/writing in spanish is the cringiest shit ever, man. it's always so damn obvious no matter how hard they larp and how good they think they are.

[Anonymous No.11582299]

>>11579507
very gay

[Anonymous No.11582344]

exists
that which hurts, but not that which soothes
remorse, but not regret
the others, often, but me, rarely
so many things that count but really should not
the ferry to the other shore
this wormhole

does not exist
the sea, constellations, life, but only when I'm not looking
regret, but not remorse
all these conditions, most of the time
a beginning, finally, but not an end
the ferry to the other shore
this wormhole

[Anonymous No.11582791]

[Anonymous No.11582846]

>>11582344
why did you delete it?
it wasn't even that bad.

[Anonymous No.11582910]

Beautiful dog standing in the doorway,
portal to swaying stalks and slice of sea.
Copper-blonde coat swirling with
white; imperious brown-eyed sphinx,
waiting for a partner to sleep on the
splintered deck. The moment stretches to
ask to be balled and stuffed in a gooey
valve. Light trickles through the shadowed curtains,
to rotate back into wiry line of void.
Never said, never lost:
Lose as much as you can.

[Anonymous No.11583029]

>>11581041
mountain doesnt rhyme with candle tho

[Anonymous No.11583074]

>>11582910

Nice imagist poem, reminds me of William Carlos Williams a bit, good job with the clear but flavorful imagery and soft diction. Only criticisms are the last two lines, they feel a bit abrupt considering the entirety of the poem was just musing on a moment. And the insight you gave isn't really too striking so imo you're better off without it and just leaving the poem as it was.

>>11582344

pretty nice in terms of rhythm and diction but the philosophical musing seems contrived. Well, I appreciate the subjectivity of the perspective for what it is but I don't know, I guess I personally keep an ideal that amateur poets are better off keeping their ideologies subtle until they can confidently say to themselves they've some erudition to share. Take that as you may ofc, it's agood poem I guess I just don't care for "____ exists, ___ doesn't". But maybe I'm reading it too deeply, I feel like it can also be read as ramblings in a diary entry *shrug*, keep it up anon.

[Anonymous No.11583276]

>>11582846
eh i meant for
>>11582791

[Anonymous No.11583288]

>>11583074
>pretty nice in terms of rhythm and diction but [...]
to be quite honest i wrote this in 5 minutes when i was in my late teens like 15 years ago, so the philosophical musings are probably not worth much. i just kinda liked the way it sounds a bit.

[Anonymous No.11583439]

>>11583288

Understandable, I was probably worse at that age. Why not post something recent though? You seem to have had talent since youth!

[Anonymous No.11583451]

>>11583439
thank you my man.
i write a lot and I have some pretty small texts, but i think that's the only thing i have that would fit in a poetry thread.

[Anonymous No.11583995]

>>11576930
fukkin glorious, new voice of our generation

[Anonymous No.11584325]

here's one:


After a long and wretched flight
That stretched from daylight into night,
Where babies wept and tempers shattered
And the plane lurched and whiskey splattered
Over my plastic food, I came
To claim my bags from Baggage Claim

Around, the carousel went around
The anxious travelers sought and found
Their bags, intact or gently battered,
But to my foolish eyes what mattered
Was a brave suitcase, red and small,
That circled round, not mine at all.

I knew that bag. It must be hers.
We hadnt met in seven years!
And as the metal plates squealed and clattered
My happy memories chimed and chattered.
An old man pulled it of the Claim.
My bags appeared: I did the same.

[Anonymous No.11584594]

a letter to the person I've never met

Somewhere between May fifteen and current august, my heart got colonized
This barbaric primitive blood pump couldn't identify the tactics of fate;
My divided selfish brain couldn't save his frenemy from downfall
But an action is too late now, when his own sanity is at stake;

Having a piece of you ruled by someone sitting oceans apart,
How ridiculous is that thought;
But guess we all go through that someday mostly unwillingly
since no one destroys their life voluntarily

falling in love is a failure of security, it's a surrender to impulsive emotions;
It's a white flag by your runner-up soul to the winner plague of affection;
A plague lethal enough to snatch your everything while keeping you in euphoria
Plague lethal enough to turn you into a broke peasant in utopia;

I needed a 6511011097 to win, but my dice had just 7 sides
I still played! Staked again! and am still staking one more time,
for the sake of that slight possibility;
That accidentally my dice transits into an object with infinite sides
and lands precisely on 6511011097th one; Peace!

[Anonymous No.11584738]

> with love from Scotland, here's a poem called "a walk on the Clyde"

I can smell the grime on you,
five hundred feet or less hovering above,
your lights through a stained dust drop window pane
pressing my hand onto to frozen rain lashed glass
and leaving a greasy print blemished wet.
Oh, oh, how I love you.
Already, such a short affair,
but oh, how I do, the words, the words
come like lust on a hot night in this cold city,
stepping out into your gale wind gusting my face,
walking along the damp banks of your brown river,
gulls screeching above the wave and wind and wild,
icy bit my lip cracking dry in the tundra as the bridge
moans metal struts whipping black coat men around.
I run my finger along the rail,
and it comes away stained with dirt,
and I feel myself smile on the perspex walk
shaded from your howl, howl, howl.
The man mad dogs me blowing marijuana smoke into my eyes
and I feel the grin slipping thin on my face again,
but I hide it with a glare and grunt because
you have to make people believe you’re capable
of some great secret violence at any moment, ready to
stab or hit or bite or kill or scream, and so we glare
then smirk away backs turned like dumb prey animals,
knowing we’re liars, at least
most of us hope we are, maybe.
It’s late and the clocks go dim,
the station manager calls me a dumb cunt
because I used the wrong card to get in,
so I laugh in his fat grizzly face with my own ha ha ha,
fucking hell, I say back, fucking hell what a cunt I am,
and we both laugh ha ha ha.
Even when I reach the piss smell train carriage
rattling bonelessly on those rusted rods to another
piss smelling station where the barriers broke down,
so everyone gets to ride for free,
so ride, ride, ride, wherever you can into this
land which shatters my skin with snow like temperatures
but won’t let purity land white on the ground, only
lashing and lashing with brown scum water and grit,
still keeping me warm and my chest breathing, beating strong.
Even now, even now my fingers are dropping off the hand
and rolling into pavement breaks and overflowed gutters,
I sniff hard and swallow the city deep into my gut and smell you
again and again, fresh like mint searing my gullet and lungs,
oh, oh how I love you already,
your filth isn’t so filthy after all.
Lies! Lies and slander by idiot hordes,
because I feel like I climbed from the mud already
and God, how you clean me.

> may get a bit more drunk and post more but any feedback appreciated.

[Anonymous No.11584750]

>>11584325
Really like this, evoked something nostalgic in me. Also inb4 someone will be a cunt about your capitalisation, that's happened to me a lot on /lit/. Ignore bastards, this is good.

[Anonymous No.11585287]

bump for more poems

[Anonymous No.11585299]

>>11584325
Really good, but a few lines could be edited to fit the meter closer. The beginning made it sound sinister, but it was actually very tame in the end. I'm not sure if that's purposeful or not, but I was a bit disappointed that the plane didn't crash or something else malign

[Anonymous No.11585406]

>>11585287
bump to knock off shitposts.

[Anonymous No.11585665]

>>11584738
tldr

[Anonymous No.11585685]

>>11585665
You're dirty, but I love you

[Anonymous No.11585696]

>>11585665
Sorry it's long, basically it's an in depth look at our current society, especially in the sense that anyone whose post ends with 5665 is a fucking cunt.

[Anonymous No.11585747]

Death is a flower:
so I unsheathe my skin like
a wilting lily.

[Anonymous No.11585790]

I've decided to end my life. The grief, pain and sorrow that torment my soul every night are too much to bear at this point. The absolute torture of knowing that I had had happiness and was foolish and careless enough to throw that away does not allow me to have one moment's rest. The dread of knowing I had it all and knowingly threw it away makes me despair in my soul. I want that happiness again, or death. Nothing in-between.
Although I have lived in relative isolation, I must alert you that, contrary to what it seems, my life has been very fruitful in happiness, such that in the various heights of euphoria, I had been in what most would consider a blissful heaven, albeit this has been lost forever by my own hand.
If there were a wish that could be realized by a miracle, it would either be that the mistakes I had done to my health were undone, or that I could relive this life forever, for even considering the heights of despair I have lived through, the moments of bliss made it worth it going through Hell for.

[Anonymous No.11585853]

aggression = unbridled enthusiasm
i wake up, you are lying next to me...still
don't worry, i'm warm. t-shirt and underwear isn't as bad as it seems, plus it adds the sexual tension that we hold so dear i ask you, while lying on my side, hair covering my face, "is this what you expected". you begin to trace your finger along my hips, cutting yourself. you turn, embarrassed for me. you throw up on the carpet: seeping beneath the bed. out love is broken. shhh...go back to sleep, wipe your mouth with the back of your hand. a stain. i'll leave once you close your eyes.

i leave you sleeping alone. my skull is crushed: i got hit by a bus while trying to escape your presence. your vomit beneath the bed, my brain matter strewn on the street. the epitome of love always ends in disappointment, but i'm not sure who'd worse off, you or me?
ambiguity covers your face...can you be a slut if a broken cock hides beneath your hands?

[Anonymous No.11585941]

ville de Sandor était la plus merveilleuse des villes du désert d’Anthropie.

Un sable d’or soufflait en permanence sur la ville ; si fin et scintillant, il flottait comme la lumière reflétée par les précieux bâtiments de la ville, des bâtiments en or ! Tout était éclatant, attirant, beau et pur. Les fleurs ornaient le long des pavés de la cité, eux-mêmes arrosés par les flots d’or qui coulaient de fontaine à fontaine, de canaux en canaux, pour retomber sur toutes les plantes de la ville, qui de leurs racines allumaient à nouveau l’ardent spectacle qu’offrait le touché du soleil sur ces flammes et braises de pierre. L'oasis était si dense de beauté, aaah… trop dense pour être approché, ni même vu.

Incandescent, il consumait tout ce qui n’était pas d'or, a l’exception du soleil qui lui permettait de briller ; même les nuages n’étaient pas épargnés, ils fondaient en pluie dorée, agrandir la ville. L’havre de feu devenait plus odieux que le soleil… Car même-lui accepte de s’éteindre face à l’ombre et la nuit.

Malgré les faiblesses du jour, rien n’arrêtait le désir de briller de cette civilisation. Elle avait fini par se construire de sorte à ce que la lumière, par ses reflets, voyageait le temps que le jour puisse habiter la ville de nouveau. Bien que ce procédé laissait son éclat affaibli,il empêchait toujours aux hommes de fouler de pas ou d’œil la ville de Sandor. Il laissait bien quelques oiseaux, habituellement pétrifiés lors de cette route, d’observer sa beauté et de teinter leurs ailes de cette poussière volatile qui tourbillonne en celle-ci. C’était d’ailleurs par cette faille que les hommes connaissaient Sandor, en lisant dans les yeux des oiseaux flamboyants, qui crépitaient d’un rêve inconnu, un rêve qui crépitait juste assez pour attiser le cœur d’un homme.

Mais le sable d’or de Sandor étouffait ceux qui osaient s’y approcher.

Mais la lumière de Sandor aveuglait à jamais ceux qui se couvraient la bouche.

Et l’éternel jeu de lumière que palpitait la ville émettait une telle chaleur que la ville de Sandor fondait ceux qui promettaient de rester silencieux et aveugle.

Ces images résidaient dans le regard des oiseaux flamboyants ; les premiers volatiles avaient pu observer certains hommes qui par pure m’égarde, d’une route perdue, s’étaient à leur insu approchés de Sandor. Et pourtant, Sandor connue de tous, tous ces oiseaux, chanceux du crépuscule, brûlaient encore du même exact spectacle.


Sandor, ne tirait-elle pas son éclat, sans fin et sans limites voulues, des hommes ? Si chimériques sont-ils.

[Anonymous No.11585977]

>>11585790
this is really cliche sorry. not a fan at all.
at least approach a well-worn theme with an original slant

[Anonymous No.11585992]

>>11584325
okay this is really fucking nice. no advice other than youve got talent, chum

[Anonymous No.11586005]

>>11585853
this seems a little edgy for edgy's sake. if you know what i mean. there isnt really any development in the poem/passage.

[Anonymous No.11586026]

love poem i wrote a few years ago.

gonna try critque more shit but im pretty awful at critiquing

[Anonymous No.11586057]

>>11582344
best poem of thread
don't change, except maybe "the others, often, but me, rarely" seems a bit weak compared to the rest

[Anonymous No.11586293]

>>11585977
**heed

[Anonymous No.11586467]

>>11582344

this is really fucking good. really impressed by this; it's mature and doesn't ever let up. keep working hard mate.

[Anonymous No.11586820]

>>11585977
>>11585992
>>11586005
>>11586026
>>11586057
These are very good. How many times have you edited them?

[Anonymous No.11587365]

The Canvas
Mustard gas for the gut's antennae.
Captured at a strangle, with a crowd, with a plaque.
Intention corroded with itself as culprit.
And in detail it says:
One stain on the left.
An outweigh to the right (ten gallons of height).
One blue one red.
"Yankee Doodle" all bronze.
With assumption at surplus; containment unhinged.
And there it was, too massive.

Like my oyster complex.

[Anonymous No.11587392]

>>11587365
gonna borrow "oyster complex" tbqh

[Anonymous No.11587424]

>>11572622
I
See the reaper creeping
As my blood is seeping
Sleeping deeper through the night, so I can face my demons
My only
Weakness seems to be that I cannot stop breathing
Death keeps cheating on my life
But on my soul, it's feeding
Leaning to the fleeting of an endless dream
Screaming and needing
Yelling and pleading
that things ain't as they seem
In the cut sneaking and tweaking
Because I can't stop seeking
this pain is torture of horror that I'm always conceding

[Anonymous No.11588307]

>>11586820
well, not after the day i finish writing them. which might be over a couple days

[Anonymous No.11588330]

[Anonymous No.11588487]

>>11588330
i like this.
i'm not sure about the ! and about the word "ugly" though.

[Anonymous No.11588507]

>>11588330
The first stanza reads well, but the second loses the rhythm. I'd also add a rhyme in the second stanza.

[Anonymous No.11588765]

This is part of a longer narrative poem I'm working on. Any anons know the rhetorical and tonal effects of different rhyme schemes? I'd like to know as soon as possible if I should change it.

That massive orb, so hung there far in space,
Of flames white and red and gold fire mixed,
Like humors balanced, yet not surely fixed,
As it blood red did sit, with doleful face,
And melted 'cross the sickly pale sky,
Where grimly cast it burning light upon
All that it saw, alike God’s eye, its gaze
Forth shone, and flames out summoned were which raze
The very earth, so too my mind anon
Delusions racked or least at first I thought,

[Anonymous No.11589180]

From a poetry book I just published

[Anonymous No.11589206]

>>11589180

Mammothyst

Too trapped in my mind to feel the face on the outside
Give them one of these :) no, yeah, I’m doing fine
Let’s do a handshake, yes it’s going well
Place that hand inside of me and grab the hell
Pull it out to glop and gloop in the sunlight
How long has this been in there?
Something’s not right
Well yeah, now that you mention it,
I kinda always feel like shit
Thinking my way out of feeling any real things
I do it because blank, that remains to be seen
Isn’t that your job anyway, rooting the problems?
No no sir, you don’t pay me to solve them
Then give me that back, I’ll shove it right back down
Hell tastes great, now that I know how it sounds
Glooping and glopping, flopping all around
my tummy
It’s funny
Paint my face like a clown

[Anonymous No.11589260]

>>11589206
What's it about?

[Anonymous No.11589279]

>>11589260
I should say "that's for you to decide," but it's about someone with depression going to therapy and it's not working

[Anonymous No.11589336]

>>11588307
They read very smoothly, most of the time, so I figured much time went into them. I especially liked Modest Prayer, but I think the title would be better as Poor Man's Prayer or something along those lines.
>>11585992
This one too is good, but I also think the title seems out of place, and if you read the last line it lacks power. Perhaps rewriting it with stronger language would help, using substitutive feet. And in the last line of the third stanza I think just "Adjacent those" still makes sense and doesn't stumble the reader.
>>11586005
The imagery here is great, and I like the line where the narrator assuredly states he's not a fish nor a simple lens, but sees clearly his love interest, yet again though I think that final line lacks punch.
>>11586057
This might be my favorite of the group, the imagery of the narrators lover as the sun staying with her always (unless I'm reading it slightly wrong) is very nice. The only thing I'd say is that the last couple lines in each stanza are a bit clumsy to read. Rewriting them to better read in the meter would make them smoother to read.

[Anonymous No.11589340]

>>11589279
I see, thank you

[Anonymous No.11589494]

>>11589336
thanks a lot

2. the title "central limit theorem" is bc i was gonna write a series of poems inspired by theorems. i lost enthusiasm for the project bc most were rather tenuous connections, except this one: centuries have greater length than an hour, but therefore have much smaller derivation -- which is why it would be "humbled".

3. yeah that poem was about possible excuses for seeing this girl in a romantic light only now, who id known for a year and been sleeping with for a few months. the final line was basically: maybe it wasnt so bad that i didnt until now

4. humorous poem. she goes through why X is evidence of his love, and why not-X would also be evidence.
So the last couplet: she says that she's as sure he loves her as she is sure the sun will rise.
but even if the sun didnt rise that would be an omen of love. it's funny bc she has to consider even the case the sun doesnt rise.

wanna read a poem about an orgy i went to?
https://docs.google.com/document/d/14KFolzPDEujEnr0BmL7toXedvNiP-ePmRjyFutaE7mc/edit?usp=sharing

[Anonymous No.11589502]

>>11589340
Thank you for reading. Here is another one from my book.

Oil Slick

Oh whatever are we to do?
That’s up to you
Crawling through a puddle of puke
I wasn’t even born, I was grown in a tube

Had to dip my whip in a chocolate chip confection
Hollow lip tripped and I’ll clip your obsession

Deeper than a puppy’s peepers in the freezer
I’m a creeper

Get a rock in a sock and they’ll mock when you complain
Get your top popped then he mops up your brain

Silence and violence win out over science
Hey come buy this

They thought that I could be something
Now I’m frying chicken drum wing
Pay me money, hear a bum sing
Acting funny, they come running

[Anonymous No.11589521]

>>11589502
wtf is this.

[Anonymous No.11589567]

>>11589521
Thank you! I wanted to write poetry that wasn't about the same old bullshit
"boo hoo
I love you
This is pain
Ow my past"
and this is what I came up with. Don't analyze it, just feel it. Thanks for reading.

[Anonymous No.11589584]

>>11589567
This one almost made it into the book

[Anonymous No.11589803]

>>11589494
I might give the orgy poem a gander, though I don't like overtly sexual material.
What do you think of these?
>>11588765
>>11577831

[Anonymous No.11589992]

>>11589803
its not distastefully sexual


"that massive.." maybe add a meter. also the word order is very unnatural. like german. verb always at the end

"as it blood red did sit"
"flames out summoned were"
this poem did nothing to prepare me for the charm of the second.

"morning mountains...". lovely meter and homophonic rhymes.
it's absolutely beautiful. this is about homesickness, right?
maybe change the penultimate line -- bit weak. you could end line on "due". also the last line breaks meter. maybe something like:

"Fin’lly home my journey led,
Yet through so much death and lead.
Now I come to claim my due:
Morning mountains' sunrised dew"

[Anonymous No.11590046]

>>11589992
My first poem about the sun is meant to be heavy and unsettling, so if it does the job then that's good. As for the mountains one, yes it's about homesickness. I agree that the last line is a little weak, but the extra syllable is intentional to add weight to the line. Maybe:
For these dangers was thy dew,
My just reward, my hard-earned due.
?

[Anonymous No.11590061]

>>11589992
>>11589494
The erotic poem was not to my taste, though there are quite a few lines phonetically pleasing to read.

[Anonymous No.11591522]

>>11589567
desu this legit reminds me of when my really dumb friend decided to write wutang inspired rap songs.

[Anonymous No.11591588]

>>11591522
I was inspired by Jon Mess from Dance Gavin Dance for this one