/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.11533013]

Post your writing, it's not like it's going anywhere

[Anonymous No.11533014]

>>11533013
it is

[Anonymous No.11533019]

My writing's better than yours, prove me wrong
>Pro tip: you can't

“Everything just keeps on getting weirder and weirder with us, we can never seem to catch a decent break from anything.” Eko said as they examined the flowers in the old woman’s garden. The ones in the circle in the center were the only ones with fresh leaves and crisp petals. The other flowers became more and more wilted the farther they were from the center, with the ones next to the wall having decayed almost completely.

“I know! Isn’t it great?” James said with enthusiasm.

“I don’t think this is the time to be celebrating, James.” Pick responded.

“There’s nothing wrong with things getting weird or dangerous.” James shrugged. “It makes our lives interesting. What would this group do if we didn’t have this castle to explore? We would never have met, and be bored out of our minds doing day-to-day stuff! But here we are, having the adventure of our lives! Defeating fear like true heros!”

“We haven’t exactly defeated anyone yet, and I wouldn’t really call us heroes. I have no desire for anyone to see me as a hero. Why would you go out of your way to seek such conflict in the first place? Isn’t it better to just be calm and at peace?”

“Peace is boring!” James retorted. “There’s no challenge! No change! I’d rather see the world burn just so I can save it! If it won’t burn on it’s own, I’ll set it on fire!”

Pick's jaw dropped as she looked at James, he seemed appalled about his whole thought process in these kinds of situations. “Good heavens James! One would think you belong in a mental hospital.”

Even Eko seemed surprised by Jameses senseless radicalism. “James, that has to be the most horrific thing I've heard you say. I’m really starting to worry about you.”

James shuddered and shrunk, seeming defensive.

James: “Well why? You guys always get to be the hero and do the fun stuff! You never let me do anything important because you don’t think I can handle it! What’s wrong with me just wanting to be the hero for once?” He said in an outburst.

Pick sighed a long, heavy sigh. He kneeled down to Jameses eye level and spoke in a fatherly tone. “There isn't anything wrong with wanting to be the hero or do the right thing. I understand you are a boy; you want to be a man. But this is a dangerous place. We have to all be sensible about what we do here and how we navigate this maze. That being said, if you train enough, maybe one day you'll be strong enough to face the shit we do. But until then, try and stay out of conflict until this is over, understand...?”


James looked down and pouted. He seemed somewhat offended, which was rare for him. He didn’t nod in agreement or give a response. He was visibly upset, but trying not to show it.

Instead, he simply spoke to himself under his breath. “I am strong enough. I know it. I could prove it to you guys if you’d just give me a chance...”

[Anonymous No.11533028]

>>11533019
Eko shook his heavy head. He felt sorry for the kid. James was right, they never let him do any of the dangerous, or as James called it, ‘fun’ tasks. He knew what James was experiencing, he was familiar with it. Being young, it is natural for everyone to feel this way and desire the same things. Wanting to be tough; Dreaming of saving the world; having respect; and being a hero, all of which were concepts that James desired more than anything, but were clearly out of his grasp. “You know, I used to feel the same way you did.” Eko replied. “When I was young I felt like nobody ever took me seriously. I remember training all the time. I joined football, baseball, wrestling, swimming, and track just because I thought it would make me tougher. I thought it help me grow up faster. I wanted to be an adult so badly that I wasted the time I had as a kid trying to grow up. And now that I’m grown up, I honestly wish I could be your age again, and do things differently.” Eko paused and kneeled down with Pick. “What I’m saying is, you have the rest of your life to grow up and be an adult. But you only have a few precious years left to be a child. Don’t hate your innocence, cherish it while you can.”

James wiped a single tear from his eye. He seemed to be feeling better. “I guess...” he said.

Eko gave him a friendly punch on the shoulder. “That’s the spirit tough guy!” He said in an energetic tone. “Look alive!”

James smiled and punched him back.

“Yeah, that’s the spirit! Show us the warrior!” Eko encouraged. James looked alot happier and started repeatedly punching Eko’s bicep like a punching bag. Each hit seemed to make him happier. “There you go, good form! Fast punches!”

James started laughing and jumped forward at Eko, tackling him to the ground. Eko laughed too, going along with Jameses play wrestling. Eko pretended to fight back for awhile, but ultimately let James win.


Pick watched this with amusement. He wanted to join in, but he wasn’t as good with kids as Eko was. Still, something about James reminded him of himself. That feeling of always pushing yourself to be better than you were. He felt like he forgave James for his outburst earlier. He truly was the heart of the group. James didn’t realize just how cynical one had to be to survive in this world and make the right decisions. Then again, neither did Eko. He often wasn’t sure which one of them was the child.

[Anonymous No.11533036]

>>11533019
>>11533028
>“Yeah, that’s the spirit! Show us the warrior!” Eko encouraged. James looked alot happier and started repeatedly punching Eko’s bicep like a punching bag. Each hit seemed to make him happier. “There you go, good form! Fast punches!”

[Anonymous No.11533045]

>>11533014
Post it then faggot

[Anonymous No.11533589]

>>11533019
yikes

[Anonymous No.11533715]

>>11533013
Nine niggers niggardly sniggered

[Anonymous No.11533729]

>This is definitively going nowhere. No publication will touch this, but I feel as if a few of you guys might get some slight satisfaction out of it. The brackets are notes I have for a revision that will never come. Enjoy.
On the bus, I get a solid twenty minutes of screen and headphone time. The phone is a handy tool. It can solve every problem. On a particularly bad day, I’ll get the sudden urge to rush into oncoming traffic, to lay flat in the road in the face of all that machinery and heat and let it claim me. I do not know what causes me to desire suicide, maybe some vital element of me has been neglected, or perhaps it is the natural byproduct of the long deluge of modern daily life. There is no way of truly knowing the cause, or the reason. All I know is that the feeling evaporates as I look at my phone, by that familiar narcotic flow of information, of pictures and videos. I like to laugh. I like the things that make me laugh. I like laughing at our president. [soften the suicidal urges, make it more concise]
My favorite pastime is watching pornography. At twelve years old I was locking myself in the bathroom with the cracked iTouch, clearing history, reclearing it, going down that rabbit hole of stifled breath and anxiety. [more emphasis on stories, expand on the family, how does your mother or your brother react to the masturbation]
There comes a moment in a man’s life when he has found his niche, his livelihood. It could be religious devotion, employment, or philosophical enlightenment. The meaning of my life is to watch interracial porn.
I love it. Especially when the black man is a little bit overweight, covered in tattoos, and the white girl is eighteen years old, a body free of blemish or excess, and she enjoys it! Or at least appears to enjoy it. No doubt she was paid for her services, and that her and the black man have a sense of professional camaraderie.

[Anonymous No.11533761]

>>11533715
I don't like the racism, but I like this type of exercise, I like the freedom and playfulness of it. Post more if you have any. I will get satisfaction out of it.
>>11533019
>>11533028
You shot yourself in the foot with the introductory remark. Self worship will kill you, as it has nearly killed me. Your child will be suffocated by critique and you won't be able to bear it if you put it up on a pedestal. Writing is very refreshing work, you feel vitalized by it, like exercise. Don't confuse this feeling with the quality of your work. Worship the act of writing, but not the product itself, or else you will become disillusioned.

[Anonymous No.11533828]

>>11533019
You really don't need to have such long and varied attributory phrases... they clutter up the writing and make it harder to read.

[Anonymous No.11533856]

A demon and an angel are carving jack-o-lanterns. The demon carves hers with slitted eyes and a rectangular, robotic mouth. The angel carves hers with squished, smiling eyes and a mouth full of sharp teeth.
“Why did you put sharp teeth on yours?” the demon asked the angel.
“He’s happy,” she said, “but if he doesn’t have sharp teeth, someone will take advantage of him. Sometimes the most peaceful thing you can do is to be armed.”
The demon looked surprised at this. She put a hand on the angel’s shoulder and said, “I will never understand you.”
The angel looked at her with love. “Maybe I don’t want to be understood,” she crooned, running a finger down the demon’s arm, “maybe I want to remain a mystery to you.”
The demon looked around the room, pulled at her collar. Her dark black skin took on a reddish hue. “You-ah-you want me to light yours?” she coughed. “We should get these outside before the kids start showing up.”
“Oh, sure,” scoffed the angel. Ruin the moment, she thought.
The doorbell rang. “Shoot,” swore the angel. She grabbed the candy bowl off the table and opened the door. It was a little girl with a bright gold halo and a white dress.
“And what are you tonight?” the angel asked in a sweet voice.
“I’m an angel,” the girl said, equally sweetly.
“Oh, that’s so nice!” the angel exclaimed, and dropped a candy into the little girl’s bag. The little girl thanked her and skipped off.
“Already here, huh?” the demon said as she approached the door.
“Yeah,” said the angel as she closed the door. The angel sighed, “What should we do?”
“We could watch All Dogs Go To Heaven.”
“We did that last week.”
“What about Dogma?”
“Can we watch something not related to angels or demons?”
“Like what?”
“Let’s watch Sleepy Hollow! That’s about a ghost!”
“I knew that guy in hell,” said the demon, “He was an asshole. He made someone carry his head around for him. He had somebody else to help him move his body. If he would just carry his own damn head, he would have needed no help, but no…” she rolled her eyes.
“Okay, not that then… what about Love, Actually?”
“What’s it about?”
“Love… actually,” the angel stuck out her tongue.
“Love…” the demon said, “Sure?” the demon, Archiel, had a history with love. She was hoping to put it all behind her, but then she met the angel, Darielle, at a party and they’d hit it off so well Archiel had forgotten about her open wounds. They’d sat outside on the hill behind the parties stargazing and kissing and a little bit more.

[Anonymous No.11533983]

>>11533761
Fuck off faggot, you can critique my hubris but you still haven’t given me a single flaw in the actual writing
>Pro tip: you still can’t

[Anonymous No.11533989]

>>11533828
Harder for brainlets maybe

[Anonymous No.11534047]

>>11533989
Have fun rotting in the slush pile. An editor would put this one down on paragraph 3.

[Anonymous No.11534065]

>>11533989
Bad writing and good writing can be both be hard to read -- the difference is that good writing is hard to read because it has more erudite vocabulary and bad writing is hard to read because it's sloppy and doesn't flow well or make sense.

[Anonymous No.11534227]

>>11534065
No shit, but mine’s good so you’re clearly just a brainlet

[Anonymous No.11534232]

>>11534047
Lmao stay butthurt faggot, I already have a publisher lined up

[Anonymous No.11534243]

>>11533715
masterpiece

[Anonymous No.11534252]

>>11533019
gay

[Anonymous No.11534268]

>>11534252
Fuck off, let’s see you do better

[Anonymous No.11534295]

>>11533013
The obscure opportunity to be verbally eviscerated by faggots on 4chan is one I can't pass up! My prose is bland and uninviting.

[Anonymous No.11534312]

>>11534268
homoerotic tales
serial #1

poster #11533019 quietly moaned as his partners dick slipped quietly into #11533019's ass. The lube allowed his dick to move without resistance almost like a force of nature probing into #11533019's anus leaving behind shockwaves of homosexual pleasure.

[Anonymous No.11534319]

>>11533856
i dig it.

[Anonymous No.11534324]

>>11533019
>>11533028
This story was much better when I thought they were all adults, and it had a sardonic, maniacal tone.
Also, I always find profanity destructive to prose.

[Anonymous No.11534473]

>>11534324
Of course it has to be ironic and edgy for you to like it . Have you ever tried reading a whimsical childhood tale, faggot?

[Anonymous No.11534673]

>>11533989

No, he's right dude. You can use them on occasion and, there's definitely nothing wrong with an expansive vocabulary so long as it's not a blatant bombardment of thesaurus synonyms. Look at most published writing though and you'll find that the rule of thumb should be to just stick with "said" 90% of the time.

[Anonymous No.11534682]

>>11534673
>and,
whoops dunno where that came from

[Anonymous No.11535530]

>>11534673
Most published writing is trash

[Anonymous No.11535625]

>>11533989
Arrogance.

[Anonymous No.11535629]

>>11534227
>damage control

[Anonymous No.11535632]

>>11534268
>Let's see you do better
As if that would make your writing any less shit faggot.

[Anonymous No.11535647]

Smoke suffocated the room. A burning cigarette butt was discarded on the discoloured shag rug. A glass half filled with Bourbon sat beside it. The windows were covered with heavy curtains and the lamps all draped with crimson sheets casting a sunset glow on the painted walls.
There was a knock on the door. When it opened, willowy white wisps were released into the world. A man grunted, swallowed his drink, and climbed into his chair. A woman in a white buttoned shirt waited patiently.
The man in the chair brushed his hair back and wiped his face with a stained handkerchief. He belched, and then asked, “What is it?”
The woman walked to the nearest window and opened it wide, “Mrs Jones and her son are here.”
The man looked at his watch and then swore. He retrieved the cigarette and discarded it out of the open window. He stood straight, attempting to straighten the creases out of his suit, and forced a smile, “How do I look?”
The woman in white regarded her employer and grimaced. She handed him a file, and said “Fine,” before departing. The man smelled both armpits before telling himself this meeting would go swimmingly and he stepped outside to greet the pair.

[Anonymous No.11536712]

Three Swedish switched witches watched three Swiss switchers switch watches. Which Swedish switched witch watched which Swiss switcher switch which watch?

[Anonymous No.11537703]

>>11535530
Ok, fair. But what point is there in trying to subvert conventions with some arbitrary over convolution of dialogue attribution versus trying to emulate tried and true methods of published writing? Most published writing is garbage because most writing is garbage because most people are garbage. However, I can assure you that published writing on average is better than unpublished writing, which has probably gone unpublished for good reason. Now whether the goal is to get published or not is another story, but why not write like getting published is an accomplishment? Because it is, and nobody is going to regard unpublished writing as good outside of pitying respect for sophomoric amateur efforts.

[Anonymous No.11538500]

>>11536712
For some reason, I read this and immediately think of "Has Anyone Really Been Far Even as Decided to Use Even Go Want to do Look More Like?"

[Anonymous No.11538522]

>>11533729
This is pretty good anon

[Anonymous No.11538526]

>>11533019
>“There’s nothing wrong with things getting weird or dangerous.” James shrugged. “It makes our lives interesting. What would this group do if we didn’t have this castle to explore? We would never have met, and be bored out of our minds doing day-to-day stuff! But here we are, having the adventure of our lives! Defeating fear like true heros!”

This is Marvel movie tier writing

[Anonymous No.11538954]

>>11533019
James is me irl

[Anonymous No.11538987]

Here’s a snippet from a short story that I wrote and promptly forgot about.

I live in a very low income apartment building in a shady part of an already shady city. The place is inhabited almost entirely by blacks and Spaniards; I’m the only white boy in the building. Whenever I leave the joint to get groceries or do some other menial task, I’m harassed this white supremacist guy, David, who always tries to convert me to his cause.
“You’ve seen first hand how unruly spics and negroes act when white men like us aren’t keeping them under control,” he says, “and let me tell you, the control the white man has on them is slipping, thanks to those lousy Jews!”
I want to call him out for being a moron and tell him that the folks in the all white apartment complex he lives in are just as dysfunctional as the guys who live in mine, but the guy is jacked as hell, so I keep my mouth shut.

[Anonymous No.11539016]

The shed stank of the toejam of shot come spread over the must of the old hempen postbags in which he kept his fishing tackle. I used to smell it when I invoked you in a primitive deep-faking, a mental superimposition of your face on to some gaping nude or other. I wanted you implausibly, with an adolescent lack of reason. I wanted you naked, featurelessly passive, receptive as a lubed-up fist...The details would come later, the fleshing out of character. I liked the juxtaposition of the formality of your work attire and demeanour with the squalor of our fucking. Likewise, I gave you a double life, bourgeois propriety masking weekends of libertine abandon.

I composed narratives in which I had you criminal, frustrated, witlessly nymphomaniac...You cucked your dickless husband with malign relish or revenged yourself on him for his philandering among your friends. You wanted me as much as I wanted you, your carnality as base as my own. Beating off three, four times a day became commonplace. Morning, lunchtime in the jacks at school, my room when I got home from school, especially on the days we'd had you, and once again, sometimes twice, in bed at night. I destroyed mattresses on your behalf, leaving them sunken, shot-springed, stained to an atlas of fantastic continents...

[Anonymous No.11539022]

>>11538987
Jesus christ dude work on your fucking prose that was painful to read.

[Anonymous No.11539065]

>>11533729
Like it

(this sentence with the niche sounds a bit like stand-up comedy)

[Anonymous No.11539109]

>>11534312
>leaving behind shockwaves of homosexual pleasure

[Anonymous No.11539234]

Here’s something I wrote at work, because I was bored.

>Luke was caught in quite the dilemma. In one hand, a pack of blood labeled ‘AB+’, and in the other, a near identical pack labeled ‘AB-‘.

>A scowl formed on his face, as he looked between the two packs. For the life of him, he couldn’t remember which one Maria wanted.

>“Why does she have to have such expensive taste?” He thought, glancing at the identical price tags. “Blood is blood, it’s gonna taste the same no matter what.”

[Anonymous No.11539274]

>>11533856
This is pretty good

[Anonymous No.11540006]

I would post some but I write in french.

[Anonymous No.11540089]

>>11533013

https://dancefighterredux.wordpress.com/2018/07/29/against-malatora-and-towards-a-draconic-post-human-future/

[Anonymous No.11540113]

>he doesn't preface his post by insulting /lit/'s user base and boasting about his intellect and talent
You're not getting the most cutting and helpful feedback you could be because of your need for "constructive criticism" and a warm "good job," maybe a celebratory pat of the bottom

If you really wanted to write the best prose possible, you would divorce yourself from your pride and encourage others to attack your own writing from every conceivable angle with as much venom and hatred as possible

Your desire for praise is precisely what ensures its eternal denial

[Anonymous No.11540134]

https://loxizez.blogspot.com/
everything i ever wrote is on here

[Anonymous No.11541477]

>>11533019
I'd help you improve but you obviously have no desire to. Unfortunate.

[Anonymous No.11541637]

A well-kept secret of history is that many ancient rulers suffered
from a condition called "victamque oculis," or a permanent alteration of the
levator margin by bacterial infection. Though not sight-threatening, this malady
invited chronic discomfort in the sufferer, and would cause him to blink more than usual.

What is more surprising is that nearly every tumescent figure of the mythological age
seems to have had the "victamque oculis" in some form. Alexander, Julius Caesar,
Theodoric, and Charlamagne - to say nothing of others - all report corroborative symptoms
in their personal writings, or in the writings on their physicians. The third century monastic
Gilnas disquires of the malady: "It [victamque oculis] seems peculiar to...those men who
find themselves in positions of great power and influence. He [the sufferer] complains
of grit in the eye, and avoids direct sunlight upon waking. [sic]" Whether Gilnas made
these tendentious observations becaue he was /himself/ a heritor of granulated eyelids is
a matter of some contention.

The Byzantine emperor Justinian, for whom the affliction went undiagnosed until early adulthood,
is of particular note - unlike other monarchs, the young emperor did not suffer from the
condition in daily life, but rather experienced an onset of symptoms immediately following
events of great pith and moment in his rule: The culling of the Nika rebels. The conquest of
the Vandal kingdom. The promulgation of his eponymous codex.

Many in the ruler's inner sanctum took quiet note of these episodes. The geometer Isidore - uncommonly
eloquent for a man of the sciences - writes in one of his letters: "Our work* is smiled upon by gods
and men alike. He [Justinian] christened its completion just the other day.
He admired the tympanum and walked the environs beneath the central spire. But while in the chancery, I chanced to
observe him...looking upon the "Hymn of Laudation" with some difficulty. As though its perfection was slightly more than he could accept."


*Isidore here refers to the "theotokic" annex to the Hagia Sophia, completed in the early sixth century. Among the chief architects,
Isidore is credited only with the implementation of a few plumbing fixtures, and likely had little to do with the design of the actual basilica."

[Anonymous No.11541645]

>>11533013
I am so alpha I would tear apart any tranny's ass.

What is turning me on is the fact that I'm pounding a mentally unstable beta boy that looks like a hot girl.

I'm showing him his place in the food chain, the fact that he's nothing but a fuckin herbivore lying in a bed with the biggest apex predator out there.

We were both born the same gender, but only one of us is clearly a natural predator, and it is Me.

Eat my huge dick and spread your anus. Alpha Daddy is here. Get fucked, weeaboo.

[Anonymous No.11541718]

>>11541637
borges ripoff

[Anonymous No.11541741]

Excerpt from some shit I'm calling: Young, Dumb, and Please Let Me Cum.

"That split second you realize it isnt a crush anymore. I definitely shouldnt have hired this whore. Ever look at a girl and she's giving you the eye? A deep scowl, almost looking through you; commonly known as the fuck-me eye. I fell for this girl when she was giving me the eye. Unfortunately there was something different about this eye, it was the fuck-off eye. If eyes could speak hers said 'get out of my sight' but the slight tinge of various methamphetamines coming from every crack of her skin and fingernails interjected with 'give me the money and then get out of my sight.'
I really can't say why I fell for this crack addled prostitue. I guess it's easy to be pushed around and fall when you aren't burdened with redeeming qualities."

[Anonymous No.11541822]

>>11533856
don't mean to lay it on too thick, but this is just so pretty. it makes me think of my moms (go ahead, laugh it up) and how much i love them

five stars, would love a longer version if you have one

[Anonymous No.11541891]

>>11533013
someone gave me a 3 star review. dropped 1000 Positions in the ranking. dont care anymore.
https://www.royalroadl.com/fiction/16094/two-brothers
its a shitty Litrpg webfiction.

[Anonymous No.11541994]

I was very drunk when I wrote this and I’m very drunk when I post this. Please be gentle or I’ll wake up tomorrow and see this thread, then kill myself.


The year is 2106. Machinery and robotic workers have grown into an enormous part of the economy’s job market in most Western countries. In America, automation has replaced over sixty million jobs. The public outrage by the right wing and some left wing political parties has escalated from protests into violence against corporations and low level government officials. Their stance: “To reject monopolistic capitalism based on the ethical theory that more efficiency in large scale business comes at a great cost to overall happiness; that the toll of millions without income is greater than the desires of the few elite.” The idea that capitalism worked for centuries but can no longer be the governing ideology that dictates the state, based on mass unhappiness.

While meager jobs are still available world wide, the protest came from the second largest class, everybody above the poverty line who cannot qualify as rich. The class, deemed as the bourgeoisie, has everything it needs to commit acts of outrage against the state; Education, funding, connections, and property. They were the front line of anger against the loss of work to efficient automation. This anger trickled down to those in poverty, even communities that saw little direct influence from the corporate shift into machinery grew furious, causing riots in all major cities, the most famous being the riots in Chicago which lasted 22 days and saw numerous local businesses destroyed, even those that used only employees.

[Anonymous No.11542021]

>>11533019
>“I know! Isn’t it great?” James said with enthusiasm.

Seems like Rowling has entered the thread, now fuck off "angrily" you actual, retarded cringelord

Then again, these threads tend to be nothing but fucking cringe. There has maybe once been something half decent in these threads and that was probably someone who has already been actually published, sharing some drunken freebie that will never actually go anywhere due to a lack of intent

[Anonymous No.11542023]

I am cloaked by a worn orange quilt
and a wreath of silence that coyly
engages a buzzing from the window.
The cool darkness of morning mumbles.
The red beads below forehead drowsing;
All night I have tried to pinch the air of my time
To digest and reproject it.
My head bobs in the glowing murk,
It vibrates magnetically.

[Anonymous No.11542050]

>>11541994
Show. Don't tell.

[Anonymous No.11542052]

>>11540006
Post anyway.

[Anonymous No.11542057]

>>11542021
ill retract this in part, because >>11541645 is almost good, if it wasnt for the bad first sentence

[Anonymous No.11542064]

Here's a thing I was working on then stopped.


B. 8.24k

You burn through half a pack of cowboy killin rolly pollies. Fire from the pit of your stomach clouds over a chirping mobile filled with tales from well intentioned Nigerian princes offering future riches in exchange for bank information. "DEBRA,
a)You are not DEBRA
Here's a new system that is generating 8.2k 4 so many!" Sound waves bound to the machine speak to missed prescription pick ups and doctors appointments. Poor Debra.
Fluffy atmospheric half measures between solid and liquid fill cut in your makeshift cardboard cavern. Combinations of atomic particles find the empty spaces worn into boots made for shit kickin and hydrate exposed digits. Vaginal dream coats tanned from cowhide torn open to reveal graffitoed wings pressed against layered brick hide your form from any onlooker whose eyes might stray from front and center. You cast reflections of daylight stored in these wings for just such an occasion.

[Anonymous No.11542088]

"Busy busy busy!",said Snaa,caressing the ripening tomato with a touch of Blightfinger. Taoot looked on,speculative and nearly bored. "I admire your enthusiasm, and wonder where you find it. Too long has it been since these Sowers gave our ilk the proper deference. "

"Past past past!",jeered Snaa,somersaulting onto another,black welts forming on the orange skin where his claws scraped it on landing."Sowers lost the way! We haven't, so we do our task briskly briskly briskly!"

"I miss the blood. It's taste,the way the good soil drank it. It kept us sated,and the Sowers knew. Not now."
Taoot rested his muzzle on his paws. His glance fell on a fieldmouse munching the tender buds of the flowers bordering the field in the moonlight. It froze in catatonic shock,and a moment later an owl scooped it up and carried it off. Taoot yawned.

"Knew knew knew! No one knows now what to do. Pay pay pay the cost they who lost the Way!" Snaa watched the owl soaring off,approvingly,balancing between two bulbous tomatoes, already shriveling from his toxic touch. A brisk night's work,and a whole other field to dance through still. Snaa smiled,and sprang towards the next row.

Taoot rose,stretched and followed Snaa,pausing only to gaze at the barn ahead until a squeak was cut off short by one of the tomcats that haunted the farm. And then Taoot flew to the ground with phantom wings,and stalked the vines on padded paws. A mole surfaced before him,grasping a flailing worm in its pointed snout. The gartersnake snatched its fear frozen form and plunged back down its tunnel. Taoot's eyes seemed to focus with slitted pupils where the mole met its end. His work was barely begun too. Let the Sowers suffer. The Old Folk will have their due whether they know it or not.

(Someone in RK9 posted this pic and said Write a story for it,but it disappeared before I could answer it)

[Anonymous No.11542153]

>>11533856
I want to read this book.

[Anonymous No.11542215]

>>11533856
>switches tense

aaaaand its shit

[Anonymous No.11542353]

>>11542088
There's no reason for a language tick that would make some "race" repeat a word in triplicate randomly.
Ending a sentence on a triple word (briskly) shows it's nothing more then a twee way of trying to show that the speaker is "different."

Look at Yoda. His speech patterns are consistent with all his dialog. Make a set of rules that define how your character speaks and stick to them.

[Anonymous No.11543432]

>>11542052

Le vieux moulin, aurait dit Jadis, revient à la vie lorsque l’été est mort, et au moment où le soleil commence à descendre derrière les arbres et que les vents d’automne tombent, le festin est terminé et on ramasse les tables et les tabourets et la meule du moulin est retirée de son cœur et remisée soigneusement. Puis, aurait-elle dit, tout le monde se rassemble au pied du vieux moulin, et c'est le temps d'allumer les lanternes et les fanaux et les chandelles, car on essaie d'éloigner la nuit qui arrive toujours plus rapidement que l'on ne s'y attend, et la nuit est un peu plus longue avec chaque jour d'automne qui passe. Alors les villageois se resserrent un peu et on parle d'antan et on parle d'autrefois et on parle de jadis et on se demande de quoi le vieux moulin parlerait, mais il reste silencieux.

Le vieux moulin, aurait dit Jadis, sommeille déjà lorsque la première lune d'automne commence à monter au-dessus des arbres, et quand elle éclaire le vieux champ de blé et les villageois qui y sont rassemblés, on sait que c'est le temps d'éteindre les lanternes et les fanaux et les chandelles. Puis, aurait-elle dit, chacun rentre chez soi, jeunes gens et vieilles gens de Sainte-Éternelle, voisins de Saint-Éphémère et les autres de Saint-Évanescent, et le vieux moulin de pierres reste seul avec la lune dans son champ de blé, ses pales et ses engrenages revenus au silence jusqu’au prochain automne.

[Anonymous No.11544420]

English is my first language

~
La Sonnet de ma Line

Quand on rit, je sais sans toute différence
C'est elle apportant l'aura belle qui brille
J'adore tes yeux la, quels vues qui me lance
Un sourire innocent me fait étourdi

Le rire de pure joie me mets à la terre
Un voix si gentil me laisse flou au corps
Une touche gracieuse me rappele d'hivers
Prêtes moi ton coeur lourd, embrasses moi encore

Des sens tirent aux nuages de mon ciel
Que la Lune nous inspire est grace de l'aire
À voir ton visage si doux comme miel
Rien de moins pourrait peintre ce coeur

Mes reveries ont des choses special
C'est toi, la Lune, et la plus cordial

[Anonymous No.11544428]

>>11544420
*Lune

i deserve to be lynched

[Anonymous No.11544460]

>>11542353
https://vocaroo.com/i/s1DpJ8aJqg0i

[Anonymous No.11544556]

You disseminate Satanic vanguards
of Archon Fact-Fiction. Repent.
You are the greatest sinner to blaspheme
the holy thoughtforms of the lord. Repent.
You proliferate the mind poison of
Archon stupid-education. Repent.
The Kingdom of Heaven is forever
beyond the grasp of Archon shills. Repent.

[Anonymous No.11544617]

>>11538954
Then you are gay.

[Anonymous No.11544662]

L’aéroport d’Addis Abeba aurait été le canevas idéal pour les mises en scènes les plus infernales du cinéma d’horreur, eut-il été réellement nécessaire d’y changer quelque chose. Une fourmilière démoniaque, une ruche maléfique, les couloirs inondés par une épaisse coulée de boue humaine dans laquelle Christine nous emportait. Un écoulement laminaire visqueux de voyageurs de toutes les races les plus sombres, mille nuances de brun. Chaque arrivée déversait une nouvelle hémorragie de touristes dans l’épaisse marée noire, confluent des coulées pyroclastiques, vomi du mondialisme. Bouillon de culture

[Anonymous No.11544991]

parsing through some old one-shot poems and collecting ones i like enough, will re-edit them into more readable/structured forms

probably

[Anonymous No.11545287]

>>11544420
you know it's barely understandable.

[Anonymous No.11545369]

>>11533856
>literal lesbian angel/demon porn

[Anonymous No.11545487]

>>11533013
Introduction to a short story I wrote at the beginning of the year. It's not the best thing I have, but I think it's quite good. Please, give me some sincere criticism.


Even as an inside joke, it never has been especially funny. They say it often, most times in mock exasperation. But even then, they take pleasure in the gentle comfort of the saying, of how familiar it is to them, and of what it comes to mean – that no matter how bad the situation gets, they always have a way out. They can always paint moss.

They have never really discussed the particulars of it. They don’t really need to. It has always seemed very simple. In a way, this has always been part of the idea’s allure. All they think they need is a cave, some water, and time, which they will have an ample supply of. What else could they possibly need? Food, probably. But after that problem is solved, what else is there that they can’t possibly do without? They have themselves and, friends as they are, when they humour the thought alive in spoken mind, they never see themselves needing much else beyond their own company.

In many ways, this sentimentality is what has made the saying a joke. Of course friendship can never be enough. In the times when they are alone, when they think about it outside of their sometimes strained gatherings and messagings, they can hardly bear the thought of their own company cooped up in a cave together as a lasting thing that will always, always there. It is a thought so far out of the realms of possibility, that they never truly consider trying it out – which is maybe why it has become a joke in the first place.

But in its own impossible way, as outlandish a getaway as it is, they really do regard escaping reality and spending their days and their times painting in a cave as a solution to all their lives’ problems. But it’s an impossible solution, and as undesirable its price, and as dire the straits they’d need to be in for them to consider taking it, it gives them impossible fortitude, and so for many years, no situation ever emerges that is quite bad enough for them to consider taking their expression up on its comforts.

Regardless, it is there with them in their minds. If all else fails, they can always paint moss. It is a thought that comforts, and in the times when things really do get bad, it comes to them in their sleep, and things become better afterwards.

[Anonymous No.11545498]

>>11545487
tryhard: bad

try again without being a tryhard

[Anonymous No.11545500]

>>11533045
t. idiot who wants everyone to lose their copyright

[Anonymous No.11545508]

>>11545498
Care to elaborate?

[Anonymous No.11545548]

>>11543432
Very weird style. Is french your first language ?

[Anonymous No.11545583]

>>11545548
>Is french your first language ?
Yes.
Also, the style is intended this way.
It's a story about melancholy and souvenirs, so there is a repeating pattern, kind of cyclical. It's also meant to be kind of heavy to read in some way.
i actually sent this story to a national writing prize a couple of years ago and got chosen in the 5 finalists for 1000$

[Anonymous No.11545591]

>>11545508
not him but; overly wordy without extrapolating points from metaphors and analogies. there's a lot of shit that doesn't add up, doesn't include anything to the overall narrative. that sort of rhetorical question paragraph works sometimes, better from a first person styled narrative rather than (what seems like) an omniscient one.
Far too many words for what is, in the end, not a complicated idea. Could be quashed down to maybe two max specific sentences, things that inherently hold a little bit more meaning without the expansion.
Again, not bad. Not the kind of story (from this) that would merit it.

[Anonymous No.11545609]

>>11545591
Cheers, man. Appreciate it, really.

Good pointers all round, and for the most part I agree with you.

A bit out of the left field, maybe, but if you were me, how would you go round becoming a better editor?

[Anonymous No.11545737]

>>11545609
see how much you could cut from it without losing the overall meaning
see what you could cut and it would still be as meaningful as you want it to be
pare it down to the bare essentials, to something that immediately expresses the emotion you want to show. once is good enough - people can reread. don't hammer it into them.
then see, if you want to keep adding extra meaning, what doesn't feel clunky and for lack of a better word lame to readd. if it's nonessential, cut it.
i hate bukowski, but b's writing style stuck with me at the very least. not bare minimum, but bare evocative minimum. you want people to feel something, you don't want to hit them over the head with how they should be feeling.

if it were me (and i'm not a great writer by any means, read the shit i wrote in here), i would open with a declarative there person narrative statement then delve into a shorter second person account of how it went down and why it felt necessary.
i'm admittedly too drunk to rework the bit you gave us, but a quicker, emotional description of why it felt necessary would work better.

hope this helped

[Anonymous No.11545756]

>>11545737
Thanks, man. Good advice again.

Could you kindly point me to your work?

[Anonymous No.11545767]

>>11533019
>baby's first story

The prose reads like it was written by a teen emulating Hemmingway's style but not realizing why the style is good, and missing everything that makes it so.

[Anonymous No.11545781]

This is part one, haven't written part two. In part two the kids get drunk off the beer frozen on the cooler and the parents of the neighborhood try to hunt down Bero and Barco, who are holed up in their house with guns and shiet, i dont know

Bero and Barco are sitting on a pair of lawn chairs in front of a house. A box of ice sits between the two. Inside are four bottles of beer and two cans of Monster. They sip on the beer and look at a lemonade stand across the road.
"Real nice thing those kids are doing. All I see these days is them sitting on the porch, typing away at their new ay-phones, watchin' God knows what," says Bero.
"Ye, you is right, mane, them younger generation do nothin' but be on them technawlagy devils. Dem eyes gon' rot out they skulls, I say," says Barco.
"Remember when the two of us had that stand? What'd we sell back then?"
"We sold papaw's homemade brandy. But den the cops show'd up, clamped down on the whole operation, the pigs. Fuck 'em."
"Yeah, fuck 'em," says Bero, and pops open a can of Monster. He takes a big ol' swig.
"Hey, look at dat," says Barco, pointing at the lemonade stand. "Dem police tryin'a shut down dem kids' lemon stand."
Bero spits out his monster. "What the fuck? Again?" He looks at Barco. "We can't let this happen again, bro."
Barco nods. They walk towards the stand. Behind it are two kids, and in front is a police officer. Before they are in talking distance, they start yelling at the officer.
"Fuck you, cop bitch," says Bero.
"Yea, fuck ya, pig," adds Barco.
"You can't go shutting down kids' businesses, it ain't right!"
"Ain't right, I agree," says Barco, "Ya'll ruinin' the community."
The police officer raises his hands up to his shoulders. "Don't worry folks, I'm not shutting the children's' stand down. They are complying with all the rejiations, see?" He shows them a small leaflet on which are rules for running an independent business.
"Ya'll requirin' children to abide by dem dang rules and regulations? I can't even figure out ma' tax papers!" Barco throws his empty monster can at the officer, who backs away in confusion.
"Yeah, you should be ashamed for perpetuating such a tyrannical system!" Bero throws his beer bottle at the officer. It shatters on contact wit his head. He runs for his police car while swearing at the two. Barco throws his bottle, too, and it shatters the police officer's window. Still, he drives away.

[Anonymous No.11545789]

>>11545781
"O, shid!" he yells.
"Don't worry, it's just one bottle," says Bero. He takes out the other bottles and carefully picks out the shyrds of glass from the cooler. They both drink a bottle.
Barco points to the one left. "Who gon' drink dat one?"
Bero looks at it. "Hell, we shouldn't argue about dumb stuff like that. How about we break it, that way we both drank the same?"
"Agreed," says Barco with a smile. He grabs it and it once again slips and breaks into the cooler.
"O shid, not again," he says.
"Ah, fuck it, it's no problem," says Bero, already crouching down and picking out the glass. Barco picks two Monsters off the lawn and gives one to Bero. They both chug them.
"Ok, let's get the ice to the kids now." Bero looks around. "I don't think we can just give them the box, though."
"We can break it up 'n put it in ma' bag, make it easier."
"Yeah, you're right. Help me out with this."
They both grab the lawn chairs and start wailing on the box of ice. Soon, it is reduced to drink size pieces. The chairs are broken, too. They collect the ice and put it in Barco's bag. Then they take it to the kids.
"Here's yer ice," says Barco, holding up the bag. One of the kids takes it and looks inside. "Smells a bit like beer," one kid says.
"Yeah, we accidentally spilled some in when a bottle broke, but I managed to get all the glass out. It's safe, don't worry."
"Ok, mister, thanks a lot," says the other kid. They all shake hands.

[Anonymous No.11545824]

>>11545756
yeah, sure

>>11544991
again, i'm no expert, but an avid reader

[Anonymous No.11545836]

>>11545583
congratulations then
It works better when it's read out loud indeed

[Anonymous No.11545865]

Rose combed through the lush green grass with her nimble little fingers. Raking the tips against the soil, searching for prick of a cold metal bolt, or perhaps a plate of steel. When she found the detritus she searched for it would find its way into her pouch until she unloaded her day’s work into the tray under her bed.

The young girl did this most days, bar weekends and whenever she felt justified enough to take a break. It was simple work, mind numbing even, and it didn’t pay as well as a ‘grown-up’ job did, but it was something.

Depositing what she decided would be the last piece of scrap into her bag, she slung it from her back to her side and collapsed against the unnaturally spherical hill; it was like an upturned bowl plopped right into the Earth. Despite being cold and obviously metallic to touch, it was as grassy as the ground, which spoke greatly of its age.

Rose clambered up the steep slope and sat back. Hundreds of upside bowl hills dotted the vast field before her. Each the same width, breadth and height as its neighbour; just as fuzzy and green too. Between the troughs and valleys of these little hills sat clumps of dotted red, distributed with the apparent regularity of a course paintbrush. These were the roses Rose was so named for. No for any particular reason, her mother simply liked coming to this field regularly to soak up the view. And at the crown of the wide plain sat the sea, an even wider and flatter expanse, retreating to the far away horizon where it blended with the sky.

[Anonymous No.11545871]

Year 2030
London, Islamic Caliphate Empire

Sweat, blood, cum dripped intermittently from the banister dirty enough to require a penicillin shot just from a soft touch. Mohammed Churchill IV, our hero, was just finishing up a therapy session. With his shrinking vestibular rod gleamed in the scant light, he quickly pulled up his trousers that he had been wearing for 2 weeks straight. He looked at the girls, "you're government mandated anti-islamaphobia session is over. And let me tell ya cunts, you've got a long way to go until you are up to regulation. Until next week. Dont forget to put on your burqas, or else your sessions will be doubled".

The 3 little blonde girls with skin "as white as pig's dick", a common phrase used for the caucasians - the weak minority of the populace, limped slowly out of the stairwell, covered in nothing but black cloth. A stranger would barely be able to notice the aftereffects - but it wouldnt matter. Nobody would say anything, because it was the right thing for these girls. This is the Utopia everybody wanted.

[Anonymous No.11545882]

>>11545824
Quite good, man.

I'd probably appreciate it more if you worked on your pauses, as there's a gentle musicality to your repetitions that's calling out to be parsed into a more suspended lyric.

This being said, the fourth section is expert until the end stanza.

[Anonymous No.11545911]

>>11545882
glad to hear some critic back man, i always feel awful doing the same considering i'm quite self conscious on what i do.
a lot of these are just once a day poems i did i'm working on collecting and working on editing downwards, glad to hear some thoughts,
i'm honestly looking forward to sitting down a day and reworking them into something more approachable, something more enjoyable. i'm glad you got something out of it at the minimum.
what did you think of the second section and where could i improve? i think just reading it that i like it the most

[Anonymous No.11545968]

>>11545911
It's the one I was referring to the most with regard to the musicality comment.

There's something to it and the way the style shifts in tone from what sounded to me to be an ethnic voice to a Scotsman's. Quite interesting, but more entertaining than engaging.

Personally, I liked the fourth one the most. There's some bald truth to it repetitious style that drew me in -- but you've read me; there's quite a lot of wanker to the way I write and the way I like my literature.

To any extent, do keep writing, man. And lay off the drink if you can. There's some talent to you, so please try not to drown it away.

Before we leave: Care to throw a reading recommendation my way?

[Anonymous No.11545970]

>>11545871
what a beautiful parody and /pol/bait, I can already see the filthy frogposters

[Anonymous No.11545998]

>>11533019
>>11533028
This will sell, but only if you're a woman or identify as one.

[Anonymous No.11546022]

>>11545968
oh i only know because whenever i try write in prose i need to remove all wankery from my writing, i was very much the same untill i made an active attempt to parse it down.
i have been, a lot of what i'm reworking is from a diary i kept in the three months i was at my worst then started getting better - have the odd rough day but am mostly doing okay.
if yer into poetry, my two big boys are Wallace Stevens and John Berryman. I hate Bukowski as a person but he's little writing tips weren't bad - he was all for evocative writing rather than purely descriptive. I read a lot of non-fiction and purely prose wise i'd recommend a good translation of Montaignes complete essays, maybe some later Irish writers if you want to keep the wordy style up. Flann O'Brien maintained an overactive vocab but kept it fun and interesting, Third Policeman may be my favourite book - very funny, very engagingly surreal read
I'd say just engage in whatever laguage based medium you consume - i learnt as much from good songwriters and just listening to people talk in pubs than I would say I learnt from reading. Helps you get something of a natural pattern, I'm pro-reciting accents so that might just be me
also Louis de Bernieres, whenever I read fiction is a go to, never written a bad book that I've read (and I've read his all except the newest)

any from you my man?

[Anonymous No.11546063]

Five years ago today, sitting alone on a park bench by a small pond, there was a woman tossing breadcrumbs for the ducks to enjoy. The ducks pecked at the breadcrumbs until they had all been gobbled up, then swam back out into the pond to enjoy the rest of their day.

Three weeks ago today, an elderly man almost crossed the street while the lights were red. He might've killed himself crossing that street, but thankfully, another man that was with him stuck out his arm and stopped him from crossing. A car rushed past, the elderly man thanked his savior, then crossed once it was safe.

It was these ordinary snippets of life that had become so ingrained within James' mind that they were what he blamed for knowing absolutely nothing about anything. If it weren't for the fact that he was currently remembering that Ms. Bickle had a black cat that liked to climb onto her roof on hot days to soak up the sun, he might have been able to better focus on his teacher as he babbled on about Pythagoras' theorem. Because of that cat, James would go home today thinking that Pythagoras' theorem was referring to squares and that Adolf Hitler was born in Australia.

[Anonymous No.11546071]

>>11533013
The elevator in the Geiss Building was cramped and slow. It used to be even more cramped, back when Charles Geiss still paid an old man to stand inside and press the button for you. He was the pleasant kind of old man, the kind that looks a little smaller and a little more faded each day, with big bright teeth that jutted a bit too far out of his mouth when he smiled. Then Charles became an old man himself, and then a dead one, and one day a few weeks later the elevator wasn’t so cramped. Now Patrick Geiss put his feet up on his father’s desk on the forty-ninth floor and thought about fucking the young secretary his father had hired just before he died while the old man sat on a bench in the park. He had wanted to feed the ducks that played in a nearby pond but had forgotten the bread. His brass buttons gleamed.
Thomas rode the elevator almost every day. He was sorry when the old man disappeared, but after three days forgot he had ever stood inside, just slightly hunched over, and asked in a kind voice what floor he needed. Thomas was perfectly able to press the button for himself. It used to be the twelfth floor, but now she worked at the very top. He tried not to think of the little box getting stuck somewhere and having to wait while they cut through the metal or did whatever they did to bring a man out of a stuck elevator.
But every time he made it there fine, and the forty-ninth floor greeted him like a safe harbor after months on lonely seas. Anne Marie sat just outside Patrick Geiss’s office at a desk of her own, one covered in papers and with an enormous computer monitor. She was beautiful. Her dark fell in dark curls around her face, and as Thomas walked over to her desk he watched her play with it absentmindedly.
From his father’s desk and through the window, Patrick was also watching his secretary and imagining how she’d look, bent over and out of breath from the exertion of it all. In his mind she had walked in very shyly and whispered fuck me when he asked what it was.

[Anonymous No.11546077]

>>11546022
I'm listening to a lot of Tom Waits right about now. Fucking love the bastard. Fiona Apple's Idler Wheel is worth listening, too.

As for literature, I'm nowhere near as well read as you. Love Saramago -- wonderfully magical and inventive. Try Blindness, beautiful, powerful stuff.

McCarthy's great. Neruda's fine. Big fan of Julian Barnes's Noise of Time, but for my money Ali Smith's the best Briton writing at the moment, better even than Jim Crace and his champion prose. In non-fiction, reading Svetlana Alexievich was enlightening. Proust, obviously, has to be mentioned. But now I'm just naming names.

I'm Maltese, and I don't have a drinking bone in my body, so pubs are out of the question. I do hope that I'm not fucked as far as literature is concerned, though I have a sneaking feeling that I might be. We don't have the culture for it, and I don't think I have the talent to sustain it. Sometimes I wish I didn't love Art as much as I do. It makes me feel empty, this complete lack of support that I feel when I think about my prattling contributions to the cause. But you've got it, man, from what I understand, and you've got talent and dedication, so run with it. Go as far as you can go, but keep stable. Arrogance kills us.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ntanv10we4M

[Anonymous No.11546083]

>>11546022
Try, also, not to be hurt. A hard ask, I know, but being bitter (or overly critical) will bring out the vices in your life and your writing.

[Anonymous No.11546112]

>>11546022
Oh, and as for poetry today: Alice motherfucking Oswald. Brilliant

[Anonymous No.11546338]

>>11533019
owie wowie

[Anonymous No.11546365]

>>11546338
And now my face when I've finished reading everything in the thread, to say with certainty, that I'm not only better than all of them, but better than all of them combined

Dance for me clown boys, dance for me- for free, for you are the 'men' who dance for free.

[Anonymous No.11547309]

>>11533019
This HAS to be intentional. I cannot believe you would write this without knowing what you were doing. Truly genius. Truly gave me a heartfelt laugh. Godspeed anon.

[Anonymous No.11547334]

>>11535647
the willowy white whisps, while being a nice alliteration, really break up the flow of the test.
He belches AND asked: again you are breaking up the flow.
"What is it" is a really short sentence, you can go longer in the next one: windows, opened it wide and said:
and then swore, again breaking the flow. He THREW it out of the window, its not an elegant act, so dont use an elegant word.
perhaps say with a grimace, instead of grimacing.
Is it important that she hands him the file and THEN says fine?`I dont like the sentence and I dont seem to get it structured in a satsifying way without changing the chronology of events. Maybe consider it. , telling himself the meeting would go swimmingly, AS he stepped outside to greet the pair. If it is THE meeting it achieves a higher value, more emphasis is put on it, its not just A meeting its THE meeting.

Look into oyur use of and, and then, its often rather weird imo.

[Anonymous No.11548301]

[Anonymous No.11548376]

>>11548301
see >>11546338

[Anonymous No.11548534]

Hehehe joke's on all of you, now I'm going to steal all of your ideas for myself! Better hurry up and publish or I'm going to snatch it away!

[Anonymous No.11549073]

>>11548534
>nobody commented on mine
oh thank god sempi noticed me

[Anonymous No.11549094]

An autistic poem I wrote when bored on the train about my friends some time ago.
Fair is foul and foul is fair.
Hover through the fog and filthy air.
Such is Kayla and Juan's affair.
Yet are too apathetic to care.
Kayla had one day found herself in her older brothers room.
Her act brought her soul closer to doom.
Descended upon him lust voluptuous.
Unfazed of fallout much presumptuous.
To please herself there was much rush.
The intercourse made a Von Hapsburg prince blush!
Glanced downstairs and noticed a bulging rock.
In her ass she fit his stone hard cock.
Her brother, a peculiar big hardened boy.
Tonight found himself her largest toy!
Fucked her so hard and made an extremely deep push.
Thrust so fast and set ablaze her hairy kush.
As the intercourse nearly came to a halt.
And he was about to spray his fluids with salt.
But alas! Juan the Gaylord had come in.
Out of envy wishing to join the fun and the sin.
Stuck his penis inside her mouth
But without a boner everything went south
For his little Mexican prick was not satisfied
The following words he made sure to be ratified.
"I cannot do this, nay I say"
"This is mad gay"
"Can I eat out HIS ass, is that okay?"
Munch on that bitch he ferociously did
As though a pedophile on that of a kid
Lonely in the corner stood Wasiq without care.
And had started to extol a sandnigger prayer.
"Oh Muhammad, bless thee humble servant with 92 virgins and the Greatest of Islamic jurisprudence"
Now, filled with the power of 2D pussy omnipotence
The situation had finally become quickly reversed
With Juan receiving, the brother giving, and Kayla with Wasiq's BBC about to come first
"Oh Sí Papi" Juan had loudly exclaimed
For his anal virginity had at last been tamed!
In the finale, she was approached with great thirst
The men gathered round in an orgy and burst
So such was the love inhibited by the four
Leaving behind naught but painful a blister and sore.

[Anonymous No.11549097]

How can I make this more suspenseful? The scene is immediately before the body discovers a dead body washing up at the pier

>A wounded thrush lay on the train tracks; it’s lower body, crushed and fused with the new steel of the rail. The tremendous noise of the locomotive which had run it over was now merely an echo and the smoke of its engines, only wisps; there was no other sign of the murderer. It seemed to the boy, because the bird’s eyes were still open, that it somehow saw him and moreover that in that last sight, it recognized something, for it gave a soft chirp before expiration. The boy drank from his bottle and by sudden impulse, spit the water on the dead bird. He mounted his bicycle and rode on. The sight of the ocean took on a new urgency and an energy born of the reactive and opposite forces of death and restless life, filled him throughout.

[Anonymous No.11549195]

The truth went over their heads, or at least it hadn't made an impact. They just weren't opened minded to the possibilities and couldn't see what was right before their eyes. They divided into camps of faulty belief systems with strict divisions while attempting to keep the overall balance of rational argumentation in a quasi-equilibrium. No side should be in a position of absolute authority, because then the game would be over. The groups rooted themselves on for every single falsehood they could muster and lavished in one another's creativity. Of course they could tell it was stupid, but they had become emboldened with apathy. Intelligence only truly matters if you can feel it, and if you ignore your feelings then you can enjoy who you truly weren't. They weren't preparing for the future because no one wanted to stick out. In all situations when "fitting in" itself is at stake, humanity as a whole always chooses to "fit in" with itself. Well, that was the popular belief at the time anyway. Who wouldn't want to be socially accepted by everyone? It fills a hole in the human heart that is universally agreed upon to be there. A great collective spirit, all moving together as one in perfect harmony. Even better, if this spirit were to find a victim. An anti-thesis to their quixotic characters. How can such a scenario even arise? That's easy, we will just take all of humanity and then subtract one. He shall be our puppet. We will rule his life. We will hold the honor of this act in the highest regard : greater than God, morality, romantic love, etc... If he tries to object, we will remind him that the entirety of humanity agrees with us, and we are HUMANs after all, are we not? We were just born this way.
Then Jesus Christ Himself will speak to us from the grave in defense of this poor soul. "I saw Satan falling like lightning from the kingdom of heaven." It took two thousand years for all of the events to take place that have led to this glorious satanic moment. Every word, deed and thought had been predicated with amazing precision. Are we really that fated to be who we are? Is there no escape? If only I knew who God thought I was going to be, then I could challenge him myself. In one final act I could proclaim my righteousness in the face of God Himself. "I am not a puppet!"
The tides had turned, reality was shifting. A great beacon of hope was forming. Was it really the end? Things were turning out better than one could have dreamed.

[Anonymous No.11549247]

>>11533013
Inspiration from antiquity brought conquest of mechanization: the First Generation were molded off Ionian triremes. Aesthetic and form and the weightlessness of the Void brought to the forefront of intellect not a question, but a solution in unity, and a purge in fire. The First Generation wrought flame like an Old God upon the greenery of the world, and with its cleansing of the filth came an age untethered, unbounded by body and spirit. And then a conquest of mechanization became a conquest of Holy Retribution, and that became an era of joyful purity. The First Generation built the Second Generation, and the Universe -- opulent and corrupted and dangerously arrogant-- was torn asunder.

[Anonymous No.11549248]

>>11533013
https://vocaroo.com/i/s0x04sfYwl3z


Forgotten lost capture her heart forever more

How the winds do change the tides upon thine battered shore

Why then do thoust tounge be-riddle the purpose of our joined song

For it has no meaning towards things far ruptured thus gone

So by this last drop, taste my sweet voice’s Fermented nectar.

Since by thine broken moon, her beauty’s rose desired truth increase though my time has come befuddle this mind decrease, for thy starlight, my life... the endless night wholly Abiding soon

I then must bequeath you a holy tale... too true of trust to send my lone soul a-sail,

upon that faded wisp of wind to beckon forth the golden hue of our lords fated prime

[Anonymous No.11549256]

>>11549248
I am a faded memory ready to glimpse death

Unbecoming of that which is known, endowed righteously with knowledge unworthy.

To that fate which herein beckons foretold by lost eons spent wasting

Oh to joy, an humble embrace that fosters fruits worth sowing

By the empty blood deep within boiling, an hunger nurtured from angry lust without warm touch

I pray silently to that which crawls from under, who breaches high upon weathered rock towards he whom bears no name, not a song nor a place from!

[Anonymous No.11549500]

>>11549256
absolute fucking shit man, poeticize better next time

Under some bridge not too far from here there stood a colossal fucking hug ass i mean gigantic humongous enormous sad yet somewhat true and there I was how big too I must say anyway what could I do but stare in awe mouth agape huge ape big nasty fucker with arms that would pick and throw and fling shit everywhere even on the walls what a tragedy like a midsummer's wet dream yeah I had one once but don't tell my mother she'll shit the bed much less cum in it come in have a seat sit down violent? what in the goddamn no never at least not now that he's been out for a while and so forth have a look at this I mean what can I say huh except for the lack, the absolute lack of pause and repose stop and stare mouth wide arms wide akimbo limbo underneath once more a bridge where stood a giant man with I must admit something fierce look in his aye no what do you mean wherefore hath he the means understand this no one not anyone could encroach the roach of the kings rex oedipus sex the mother again eye plead with you not at this moment am writing you see

[Anonymous No.11549694]

>>11549500
okay but what does anything you just wrote MEAN

[Anonymous No.11549729]

[Anonymous No.11549799]

>>11549248
>>11549256
reminds me of some shit i wrote as a college freshman about a month after being prescribed prozac that my professor refused to grade because it didn't even deserve an F. if you want to stick with the thous and thines shit, improve the imagery to make up for the attention that the thous will get from modern reader. and when you get all flowery and mess around with syntax, having consistent meter helps. this is all my opinion, of course. you've got a lot of ideas floating around in your head, i think, they just need better organization

[Anonymous No.11549855]

>>11546077
>>11546083
>>11546112
Absolutely some of the most positive comments I’ve seen through here. Tom Waits is absolutely beautiful man. I’ll look into the writers you recommended.
Good luck man

[Anonymous No.11549857]

I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough, and it gets everywhere.

[Anonymous No.11549860]

>>11549857
This could be the dumbest line in history

[Anonymous No.11549864]

>>11549860
I don't think the system works.

[Anonymous No.11549947]

>>11549855
Cheers, mate, and good luck to you too. See you at the fucking Booker's one day.

[Anonymous No.11550014]

>>11549729
>They say

[Anonymous No.11550049]

You are me. Good news. Bowled out. Sitting not standing. Bad news. Red dress. Blues lose.

... I am watching cricket.

[Anonymous No.11550054]

>>11549799

im a 9th grade dropout so i guess you are on point

but still ungradeable work i get it lol

thanks for the honest concise feedback

[Anonymous No.11550120]

>>11533013
>Give me pointers for improvement!

"Watching those people pass by, their faces expressing the most authentic of joys, was enough to drive him to..."

He paused for a moment.

"...nothing. It drove him to nothing at all. He felt like quite the fool, like he had made a start without doing so at all - yet in the eyes of an outsider, he was not even a fool: he was nothing."

The mist of his breath floated towards the specked void above, he all the while looking upon the hustle and bustle of the streets far below. For the slightest moment, he had an impression as if he were to leap from the sill and land on the concrete, his arms flailing as he fell. However, this too amounted to nothing - his silhouette would stay crouched within the frame of that window for God knows how long. I drew closed my curtains.

[Anonymous No.11550439]

>>11550120
>>11549729
>>11549256
>>11549248
>>11549247
>>11549195
>>11549094
see>>11546338

[Anonymous No.11551606]

>>11550439
u wot m8
>>11533019
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Nice YA novel, mate. Do you enjoy writing bland, unintelligent passe?
>blank did blank
Holy shit, fucking read more.

[Anonymous No.11551690]

>>11551606
Youre apparently implying that that dogshit is on the level of actually published YA

[Anonymous No.11551916]

>>11540089
https://dancefighterredux.wordpress.com/2018/08/01/draconic-values-a-meditation/

[Anonymous No.11551950]

I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. I can't fight it any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that—everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been

[Anonymous No.11551982]

You're sad
Now you're mad
So you join them in Baghdad
But you're bad
Goodbye lad

Ruby Kapoor

[Anonymous No.11552022]

>>11533729
>iTouch

You're one of those kids huh

[Anonymous No.11552040]

whats the likelyhood of something being published if a public figure is killed in my story

[Anonymous No.11552970]

>>11551690
>>11551606
>>11547309
>>11546338
>>11542021
>>11538526
When did /lit/ get so brainlet?

[Anonymous No.11553014]

>>11552970

[Anonymous No.11554000]

like dancers do with music
i end myself to you
i mean
before the beginning
when faces are too close for comfort
meaning
the space between them
should've filled like air invades
the empty or the mammal
sound of fucking
claps across the walls

i do not know you and
i've forgotten who i am
we, meaning i thinking 'we'
play pretend at firestarting while
inside we are
the texture of ash
and we smell like drying sweat
off unwashed genitals
grass and stench of petrichor
saliva stuck
and bleeding from the trees
monsoon forest
gastric acid
the thought of cunt stains on a dress
the weight of boots jerking in the ether

i once said to someone
that love was an alchemy
i want to believe it is

so that the day i reach
what awaits me
beyond pale skin and panic
beyond the petrichor dripping
from entry holes that prevent my sleep
as i lay in the brine of heat death
then, i want to see us clearly

the red evening sun

blueness through a prism

caresses over naked foot soles

to touch ourselves in different rooms

to cum with others and
think of us and
make fire in a church

what is your sin?
an act of arson
the murder of meaning

[Anonymous No.11554229]

>>11552040
don't write the Donald Trump hatewank, David.

[Anonymous No.11554407]

>>11535647
The prose puts me off. It's very robotic although I feel that's what you were going for. Just my two cents.

[Anonymous No.11554413]

>>11540113
I actually agree with this.

[Anonymous No.11554560]

So can I get some opinions please?

B. 8.24k

You burn through half a pack of cowboy killin rolly pollies. Fire from the pit of your stomach clouds over a chirping mobile filled with tales from well intentioned Nigerian princes offering future riches in exchange for bank information. "DEBRA,
a)You are not DEBRA
Here's a new system that is generating 8.2k 4 so many!" Sound waves bound to the machine speak to missed prescription pick ups and doctors appointments. Poor Debra.
Fluffy atmospheric half measures between solid and liquid fill cut in your makeshift cardboard cavern. Combinations of atomic particles find the empty spaces worn into boots made for shit kickin and hydrate exposed digits. Vaginal dream coats tanned from cowhide torn open to reveal graffitoed wings pressed against layered brick hide your form from any onlooker whose eyes might stray from front and center. You cast reflections of daylight stored in these wings for just such an occasion.

[Anonymous No.11554629]

I need feedback on this poem. Please critique.

Sarah
Beneath the umbrage of the trees
A shooting sunbeam goes.
There, on a gnarled and lifeless stump
A hearty flower grows.

The poem is about the biblical figure Sarah who gave birth to Isaac at age 90. The "umbrage of the trees" refers to the doubt Sarah faced about whether she could still give birth at age 90. The "shooting sunbeam" which lands on the "gnarled and lifeless stump" is the divine intervention which allows Sarah to conceive. The "hearty flower" is Isaac.

[Anonymous No.11554684]

>>11554629
It's fine. It doesn't do anything for me at all. You shouldn't need to "explain" your poem as the meaning should be left up to the reader, even if it's not your intention. Good use of common meter I guess?

Why not give a critique of the prose above yours?

[Anonymous No.11554713]

>>11554684
I thought the poem would be easier to critique if I explained what my thought process was. Thanks for the feedback.

[Anonymous No.11554763]

>>11554713
If you get published your reader wont know what your though process is. Part of the problem with a four line poem (from my point of view) is that you need to say a lot in a very small space. It seems like you intended to. But as I said, it didn't do anything for me. I didn't get a biblical reference (possibly because I'm not overly familiar with the bible), and I found it to be plain otherwise. 'Life grows where there wasn't' is what I got, and that's neither new nor said remarkably here. Perhaps someone familiar with the story of Sarah and Isaac would find it more enlightening. Maybe your key is to change the title to "Sarah and Isaac" ? I don't know.

I do know I want an opinion about my work, which is conveniently above yours. So have at it bub.

[Anonymous No.11554844]

>>11538987
This is good bait.

[Anonymous No.11555055]

>>11533013
I would post my last, best work, but 4chan doesn't appear to like pdfs now. Thinks its a corrupted file or unsupported file type. Sorry bros, but I ain't converting an 11 page document to 4chan format. Someone know how to get around this?

[Anonymous No.11555354]

>>11555055
start a second google doc just for that
post link

read and critique mine which starts "B. 8.24k"

[Anonymous No.11555523]

>>11554560
>>11554763
Your use of imagery is interesting but it doesn't always help me visualize what I'm reading
>Fluffy atmospheric half measures between solid and liquid fill cut in your makeshift cardboard cavern.
>Vaginal dream coats tanned from cowhide torn open to reveal graffitoed wings pressed against layered brick hide your form from any onlooker whose eyes might stray from front and center
I'm not entirely sure what these two sentences mean but it sounds like you're describing a biker gang thug and his motorcycle. Maybe I just misread your post, but I think you could make it more clear what you're describing. I do like the last sentence in particular.
>You cast reflections of daylight stored in these wings for just such an occasion.
Your character sounds like a pompous asshole who likes to be the center of attention. I like it. Overall, I think your use of imagery is well done.

Just my opinion, but I don't like how "a) You are not DEBRA" cuts the quotation in half. I maybe would have written "'DEBRA, here's a new system that is generating 8.2k 4 so many!' You are not DEBRA." Take it with a grain of salt.

[Anonymous No.11555623]

>>11533013
I CAME
I SAW
I BROKE
THE LAW
I TOOK
WHATS MINE
THEN TOOK
SOME MORE
IT RAINS
IT POURS

>I pee and poo
>In the loo

[Anonymous No.11556693]

>>11555623
>I blow
>my nose
>and blow
>my bros
>I'm gay
>a fag
>I lick
>your sack
>I work
>the shaft
>with my ass
>my dick
>my nuts
>my dick
>my balls

[Anonymous No.11556749]

>>11533013
No critique thread up, so here's a short poem I wrote:

Morning mountains in the mist,
Your sight sorely have I missed,
For from sea to silver sea,
None your equal could I see,
That when cramped upon my cot,
Fevered dreams of thee I caught,
And back home my journey led,
Through the thick and flying lead.
For these dangerous deeds I do,
My pay, thy pearléd morning dew.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous No.11556874]

>>11556749
So generally I enjoy your images a lot. You convey very vividly the nature and awe surrounding the narrator, despite his narration make him seem small against the mountain and clouds, which I assume was your objective. I personally find AA BB rhyme schemes to be a bit tiresome. In this case, some of it feels forced, confusing the imagery a bit. What is flying lead? As in a dark, grey cloud? It seems awkward to call it that, as it also takes away from the natural imagery in the rest of the piece. I think it's a decent poem but it'd perhaps benefit from a little more breathing room, rhythm and rhyme wise.

Wanna do mine?
>>11554000

[Anonymous No.11556921]

>>11556874
I have some implications of the narrator going over seas, perhaps as a sailor or merchant I leave it unsaid, but I agree that it can be a bit vague. "Flying lead" refers to bullets. Perhaps a couple more lines or different wording would help. As for your poem >>11554000 I must unfortunately admit I have nothing constructive to say about it. I prefer rhyming metered poetry and those are the elements I know something about. I will say that I didn't like it though, especially the cursing. Sorry, anon, and thank you.

[Anonymous No.11557552]

>The bus sped through the tunnel making the lights look like a space warp movie effect. Then a bright flash as daylight appeared again, taking the passengers back to planet Earth and its green meadows and rolling hills. Then, another flash - and had their eyes not been burned by the sudden bombardment of photons, the passengers would have been awed by the hauntingly beautiful mushroom cloud scintillating towards the upper atmosphere.

Which author would have written this?

[Anonymous No.11557587]

>>11555523
The second of the two sentences you're confused on
>vanginal dream coats
is kind of a hold over from something else. And you're right, it's too vague.

I don't want to say what the intention was, because I like what you got out of it. Even if it's rather different.

[Anonymous No.11557917]

>>11545998
Fuck off, it won't sell to retards like you but who cares?

[Anonymous No.11557932]

>>11545767
This post reads like it was written by a teen who doesn't understand Hemingway's style and is missing everything that makes my writing like it. Faggot.

[Anonymous No.11557936]

>>11541477
What could you possibly help me with?

[Anonymous No.11557984]

>>11533589
>>11534252
>>11538526
>>11541477
>>11542021
>>11545767
>>11545998
>>11546338
>>11547309
>>11551606
None of you incel brainlets have given me
a single real, valid, criticism. Stay butthurt

[Anonymous No.11558006]

>>11557984
You also haven't got the balls to critique anyone else because you're a dumbass narcissist who would rather have a (You) then help.

[Anonymous No.11558071]

>>11558006
Here's a critique: You're a faggot who has never written anything worthy in your entire, pathetic, meager life.

[Anonymous No.11558090]

>>11558071
Go back to /b/

[Anonymous No.11558134]

>>11558090
Go back to plebbit

[Anonymous No.11558159]

>>11558134
You haven't seen my writing, but I've seen yours. Trust me when I say you will only self publish. Even though your unfortunate family will buy a copy, they'll never actually read it.

[Anonymous No.11558217]

>>11558159
You haven't shown yours because you know it's trash, coward

[Anonymous No.11558242]

>>11558217
I posted it in this thread. As I said before, you haven't the balls to critique anyone else.

[Anonymous No.11558249]

>>11558159
can second this t. someone who has actually received money for written words

his "writing" was legitimately one of the stupidest things ive ever seen on this board, and its only made a million times worse by the fact that the retard apparently genuinely thinks that this barely fanfiction quality "wiped my ass on this paper" dogshit was actually good as anything but pure pic related material

Genuinely, genuinely awful garbage on a level that makes me believe that it has to be one of the best baits ive ever seen on this board. Someone like J.K Rowling looks like Shakespeare in comparison to that scribble of actual shit, shit that legitimately tries to pass itself off as somehow almost high brow and good. "Only the flowers in the middle were alive" hahahaha what the FUCK am I reading, let me rewrite some of your dogshit (and mind you, english isnt even my first language) here on the fly

Actually, I wont. I just looked at the shit and its unsalvageable. Its not like I can magically "rewrite" dogshit to make it art, Im not the poser who thought that describing his laughable bullshit in a """flowery"" (while failing at it) way would be good writing. No matter what I do, I cant salvage that shit without completely changing everything about it. Fuck you you fucking youtube comments tier faggot fuck, "people" like you should be euthanized

[Anonymous No.11558266]

read my stupid fucking poem

https://youtu.be/mcDLRwppW6c

[Anonymous No.11558270]

>>11558249
I haven't actually read the thing because of the level of cringe the author brought to the table. I can just tell from the retarded replies that anyone who refuses even the most basic of outside opinions will never go /anywhere/.

What are you going to do when an editor tells you "hey I have a problem with X." Have a huge spaz fit? There's a reason the very first thing they have you do in any writing course is split into groups and discuss each other's work.

[Anonymous No.11558280]

>>11558270
>I haven't actually read the thing because of the level of cringe the author brought to the table

youll know what cringe is when you read it and see that literally every line is the kind of cringe where if it was the first line of a novel, it would get an automatic rejection for usually more than one reason at the same time

>“I know! Isn’t it great?” James said with enthusiasm.
>“I don’t think this is the time to be celebrating, James.” Pick responded.

now this....is.........art...

[Anonymous No.11558297]

>>11533019
If I post mine up in the middle of this shitshow does it improve my review or worsen it?

[Anonymous No.11558316]

>>11558297
I find it's a crap shot if you're noticed or not. I basically had to harass someone who I critiqued in order to get a response.

[Anonymous No.11558355]

>>11533019
>>11533028

[Anonymous No.11558572]

>>11542088
This is pretty good.

[Anonymous No.11558595]

>>11558316
Lol, posted one thing and got two responses. One said it was unreadable while the other highly praised it.

[Anonymous No.11558664]

>>11558249
>can second this t. someone who has actually received money for written words
Bullshit
>actually received money
>doesn't post their work
I guarantee your writing is inferior to Fear Factor(my title). If it wasn't you'd post it.
>Genuinely, genuinely awful garbage on a level that makes me believe that it has to be one of the best baits ive ever seen on this board.
I can tell you're legitimately butthurt because your writing has gotten nowhere, faggot
>Actually, I wont. I just looked at the shit and its unsalvageable.
More you pretending you can write when you actually can't. If you tried to "salvage it" it would look like your trash

[Anonymous No.11558678]

>>11558270
>more butthurt
check out Fear Factor in 2020 (when it's published)

[Anonymous No.11558689]

>>11558664
Ive been paid around 1000e for writing, none of it a novel (which im only now working on). Every single line you wrote was bad. And thats just one of the issues with the trash you forced into the thread. You lack basic understanding of why exactly it is so absolutely awful because youre mentally on the level of a 15 year old girl who "wants to be an author". Youre not. You scribble, you force out garbage but you neither have anything to say nor the ability to say anything well. Youre a fucking faggot fraud desperately screaming at the tide that approaches, ready to wipe away that shitty smear you left here. I hope you cry yourself to sleep tonight you fucking faggot

[Anonymous No.11558707]

>>11558678
>Fear Factor (2020)
Aw now I know it's bait

[Anonymous No.11558722]

>>11558355
>>11558270
>>11551606
>>11558249
>>11553014
>>11558242
>>11558280
The only reason you're hating on this is because there was no context to Fear Factor. I just got tired of reading other generic horror stories of fear always focused on specific surface level fears. Mine, however, focuses on the realest of fears, the primordial fears, fears that everyone has no matter who they are. Fears like growing old. Betrayal. Isolation. Insecurity. Being Hunted. Death. Fear Factor expands upon this like no other. James, Pik and Eko have to face these primordial fears on their path to the crown, the origin of fear.

Intrigued now?

[Anonymous No.11558734]

>>11558689
context, maybe then you won't think it's so bad. Give it a chance.
>>11558722

[Anonymous No.11558740]

>>11558707
Fuck off

[Anonymous No.11558752]

>>11558722
On the tiny, just tiny chance that this is actually some 12 year old legitimately trying to become an author and might actually end up as some ultimate being by 18 as a result, ill deconstruct those two shitty dialog pieces from your post and tell you exactly why its dogshit

>“I know! Isn’t it great?” James said with enthusiasm.

Assuming that the dialogue itself was fine (which, at best, its simply serviceable with nothing to it here) it would already have included "with enthusiasm." in the way it was written. You describe body language and more particular actions there, not hammer home what was already expressed like some "he said angrily" first draft Rowling shit

>“I don’t think this is the time to be celebrating, James.” Pick responded.

opposite problem, "Pick responded" is normal and functional while the dialogue is embarrassing and would get you automatically rejected. Its a direct response to a character, yet the seemingly familiar character includes ",James" at the end to baby the reader like some actual retard, not only looking clunky, but completely killing the even remote possibility of it resembling how people talk

"Hey my good friend Annie, how are you today?"

"Im fine Jacob, what about you?" replied Annie

People dont talk like this you fucking troglodyte

[Anonymous No.11558782]

>>11558752
>Assuming that the dialogue itself was fine (which, at best, its simply serviceable with nothing to it here) it would already have included "with enthusiasm." in the way it was written. You describe body language and more particular actions there, not hammer home what was already expressed like some "he said angrily" first draft Rowling shit
I included "with enthusiasm" to emphasize, otherwise it might go over the head of brainlets like you.
>opposite problem, "Pick responded" is normal and functional while the dialogue is embarrassing and would get you automatically rejected. Its a direct response to a character, yet the seemingly familiar character includes ",James" at the end to baby the reader like some actual retard, not only looking clunky, but completely killing the even remote possibility of it resembling how people talk
>would get you automatically rejected
Like you?

[Anonymous No.11558788]

Since we seem to have a bunch of people who are actually making some good critique on now, this is me.
>>11554560

I'm interested in all thoughts.

[Anonymous No.11558797]

>>11558752
>>11558782
Stop feeding the troll. He obviously doesn't care about improving the quality of his writing.

[Anonymous No.11558800]

>>11558782
Yeah, this one is a lost cause. Im eagerly waiting for that dogshit of yours to hit the shelves, which wont actually happen of course. Its genuinely heartwarming to think that someone so egotistical and retarded will get completely destroyed, assuming that you even have the brains to actually finish a novel, something I very much doubt since you felt the need to seek validation in here in the first place

[Anonymous No.11558811]

>>11558800
>Im eagerly waiting for that dogshit of yours to hit the shelves
At least mine will be on the selves, not sitting in a computer like yours you fucking neet

[Anonymous No.11558830]

With fear of sounding ironic, I have a slight complaint. I am perturbed slightly that to trust someone in the intimate experience of watching together a film that should personally mean something to us, only to have her not even remotely giving a fuck and using it as a pretext for hooking up. I hate the modern disconnect form artistic virtues, how we are reaching Huxley-esque era of biological necessities of a deeper, more meaningful experience of being and it makes me want to bomb someone. Christ please allow me to forget the time a girlfriend managed to coax me into discussing poetry with her as a means to send me her inhumane filth. After begging and begging from her I finally send her my “favorite” poem (in reality it was just one I remembered well, from lunch poems by o’hara) to which she quickly told me she didn’t get it and described to me how it could have been better. She revealed the entire conversations true purpose was, in reality, to send me her thrown-up-alphabet-soup poem titled “goodbye” in which she just kept writing teenage girl shit like “goodbye to the ones who weren’t there for me, goodbye to the ones who abandoned me” over and fucking over like jesus Christ if you don’t apologize for making me read that then goodbye to your fucking life holy shit. In reality, I managed to reply “wow that’s really good” because I wanted to fuck her more than the amount I hated her at that moment. She replied with some emoji so I opted to go to bed. That night I dreamed of being a Ugandan blood diamond warlord, and i can no longer speak to a woman without remembering the fear in the eyes of the children slave soldiers in that dream.

[Anonymous No.11558832]

>>11558811
Yeah, Im pretty sure you should be saying that when it has actually happened. No matter how bad any piece is in this thread, literally every single one of them was better than yours, yet youre the only one stupid enough to think that the board of wankers who are the exact opposite from your average /r/goodreads shit somehow found your badly written monday morning cartoon fanfiction "too intelligent"

[Anonymous No.11558858]

>>11558830
>a film that should personally mean something to us
This just struck a cord as false to me and ruined the rest of the piece (which I would have otherwise enjoyed). Nobody puts on EraserHead to Netflix and chill - they put on Transformers meet the Flinstones 5.

[Anonymous No.11558867]

>>11558858
In my defense, the film that sparked this particular rant was It’s A Wonderful Life, and we were watching it on Christmas eve

[Anonymous No.11558876]

>>11558830
>thrown-up-alphabet-soup poem titled “goodbye” in which she just kept writing teenage girl shit like “goodbye to the ones who weren’t there for me, goodbye to the ones who abandoned me” over and fucking over like jesus Christ if you don’t apologize for making me read that then goodbye to your fucking life holy shit. In reality, I managed to reply “wow that’s really good”

ive lived this, with some skinny as fuck emo whore type of deal. didnt even get to fuck it in the end

[Anonymous No.11558881]

>>11558867
strange but true - It's a Wonderful Life was largely panned and ignored when it first came out. Then a few years later the film company forgot to renew the copywrite and tv stations were looking for something they could put on for free because people didn't watch TV during the holidays and suddenly it began playing every Christmas. Eventually it became a tradition and a "beloved classic."

[Anonymous No.11558895]

>>11558881
I had read that. Strange indeed how loved it is today.
>>11558876
Write down your thoughts anon

[Anonymous No.11558905]

You know me. You fear me, but you know that the cunts just adore me. After all your Sister showed you the photo from when she, your mom and your aunts were over. Honestly, it didn´t even want to do that, it just happened. And how could I let those sluts go away unsatisfied? I have a solf spot of whores after all.

All the time this happens conventions, weddings and even in fucking /school!

And for the off chance that one might not fall for me? I got my methods, trust me.

I guess the next one will be the one reading this...

[Anonymous No.11558913]

>>11558895
btw would love your opinion

>>11554560

[Anonymous No.11558946]

>>11554560
>>11558913
I don’t entirely agree with the other poster. I think your descriptions make it easier to visualize what’s being said. I think your mind may work similarly to mine just judging on what’s been written here (in that I mean perhaps the slightest amount of unchecked ADHD).

[Anonymous No.11558966]

>>11558946
You mean in the "a)You are not DEBRA" bit?

[Anonymous No.11558980]

>>11558905
The cringe heard round the world

[Anonymous No.11559001]

You know who I am. What I am. What I can do. You might be a retarded, braindead bimbo with more tits than brains, but even you should know that it's all true. I'm the nastiest, kinkiest, and most sexually capable stud you'd ever have the pleasure to worship.

You better kick your husband out of the house for a few days. Hell, just kick him out permanently, you won't be needing him for anything but money now. Whether you do or not, I'm still going to come and fuck your brains out. You'll be left sore, stuffed full of my thick nutsludge, and utterly addicted to my fat dick. You'll be begging for more, assuming that you can even move after.

Your son? He's a fucking faggot. A wimp. I'm so much better than him at everything. In fact, why not kick the little shit out? I'll make your entire family my toys. Your son will be my punching bag, your husband will be my piggy bank, and your daughter can take after you - family bonding has never been better!

Ladies, let's be honest. You want the best stud around. So stop wasting your time with those other faggots, those pretenders, those fake little sissy bitches. You know who the best stud around is, so stop wasting your time and come worship me already.

I'll be waiting.

[Anonymous No.11559032]

>>11558980
What's so bad about it?

[Anonymous No.11559146]

Jeremy's evening was ruined. He'd planned this for months and he really needed this today. Those kids outside his apartment building threw rocks at him again, he accidentally called his bus driver 'mom', and he scolded an old women with boiling water at work. All the witnesses agreed it wasn't his fault, but the burns were pretty horrific and calling the ambulance was a whole thing.

Jeremy wanted nothing more than to throw fistfuls of McDonald's straws into the local pond. He knew it wasn't good for the ducks but he didn't really care. But when he got to the counter there were no straws. They've only gone and put the straws behind the counter to help the environment. Jeremy didn't want to explain to the problem to the kitchen staff, they wouldn't understand, so he went home empty handed.

[Anonymous No.11559177]

>>11541994
Question: Why do all the right wing and some of the left wing parties all have the exact same stance?

[Anonymous No.11559193]

>>11554560
I actually enjoyed this. I don't think I could read an entire book written like this, but it was super vivid without being too wordy.

[Anonymous No.11559355]

>>11558832
>literally every single one of them was better than yours
And literally every single story in this thread beats the fag that's too scared to post his own writing

[Anonymous No.11559552]

>>11559193
How about if the book were marketed more like poems?

>>11559355
Not OP but I've linked to my shit at least twice today after calling your bitchass out. You're the one who refuses to read it.
>>11554560

[Anonymous No.11559570]

>>11558905
>>11559001
This is cringe beta cuck fantasy and not actual fiction worth being looked at and discussed as such. There's nothing to edit or suggest as it's simply your attempt to wank yourself. IF you enjoy doing it keep on keeping on, but don't impress it on others.

>>11559146
scalded*
This needs more for me to really comment. As is it feels like you're trying hard to over do the style of Hitch Hiker's Guide.

As always please look at my work >>11554560

[anon No.11559648]

>this is my "personal leadership development plan" for my USAF airman leadership course
>judge me harder daddy
>if it doesnt fuck with the grading rubric ill make the changes

part1ofseveral

PART I: PERSONAL VALUES
My top five values are honesty, bravery, intelligence, dedication, and pragmatism. Honestly, honesty is the most important thing. I have thought a lot about my values in the past two or three years, and it has led me to make some radical changes in my life that have made me a lot healthier, mentally and physically. There is the common bible verse quoted to lying children, “and the truth will set you free,” but it is not the full verse or its proper context. The full verse as found in John 8:32 KJV “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” This sentiment is echoed in many religions across the world, with the Buddha going as far to say, “when anyone feels no shame in telling a deliberate lie, there is no evil, I tell you, they will not do.” This is an important cornerstone for any societal or personal philosophy. If you look at the essence of a lie it is someone saying or implying that something, a thing that is true and real, is different or not at all. It is saying that something that is, isn’t. Or something that isn’t, is. A lie is saying that a reality is a fiction or a fiction a reality. If you do not deal honesty with your surroundings then why deal with them at all? The things around us whether animate or inanimate need to be accurately identified. For example, somethings are obvious like snake, spider, or bear, something less so such as an abusive boyfriend, addiction, liars, and cheaters. If we are honest with ourselves and identify the snakes and spiders of our own making, then we get better at identifying external things of duplicitous nature. The one thing I try to never do is say something I know is a lie because in doing so, I separate myself and my consciousness further from the real concrete world, and weaken my ability to respond to it.

[anon No.11559659]

>>11559648
I think this leads nicely into my next value which is bravery. Right off the bat I need to say I despise cowardice. It is a disgusting trait for anyone to have and leads a host of other moral failings. You need to be brave enough to tell the truth and to do what is right. This does not mean I don’t respect fear. Fear is very important and has important biological and philosophical functions; it runs the full spectrum of importance. Fear is important, but it is no excuse for cowardice. Bravery is not the absence of fear. The only time you can ever be brave is in the presence of fear. Without the power of will to do what you feel is right, why be anything other than a scared prey animal, live your life as a mouse scurrying about living one scrap of food to the next brain riddled with cortisol and adrenaline, and when you die the world will think no different of it because the purpose you served was just food for the next animal up the chain. Without the bravery, the ability to act, why even have been given a life?

So now according we are honest and brave but what next? We have an accurate reading of our surrounds and the will to act, now we pick a direction and that’s where intelligence comes in. What good is action if we are foolish with our efforts? Intelligence is so vital to all of us we need to constantly evaluate and re-evaluate our efforts to make sure we aren’t wasting our incredibly finite lives. If you are a brave and honest idiot you will be taken advantage of by less honest and more intelligent people. You must constantly strive to be smarter than yesterday. If you ever seem to be the smartest person in the room, you need try talking less and listening more. If you almost definitely seem to be the smartest person in the room, then you need to find a new room.

So now you’re clever as well as brave and honest, well it’s still useless you can manage to stick to something. That’s why my next value is dedication. Epictetus said, “No man is free who is not master of himself.” To me this means you have to become a slave to your ambitions or you will become a slave to your distractions. You have to pick a master because “No man can serve two masters: for either he. Will hate the one, and love the other; or else. He will hold to the one, and despise the other,” Matthew 6:24. This is the path to hate either for yourself or whatever else you allow to control you addictions, relationships, or other pathological interests.

[anon No.11559666]

>>11559659
Finally my fifth value and it might be the simplest of them to explain. I believe heavily in pragmatism because if the things you are doing are not having the desired result then why are you doing them? The only person you can change is you, because of this I have found the best thing to do is to assume that you have failed in some way and look for the most egregious error and begin your incremental improvement there.

These values have greatly improved my life through constant reflection and introspective thought. I’ve really gained a better understanding of who I am and my place in the world. I have gained the intelligence to constantly ask myself difficult questions and to bravely answer them honestly. I took a hard look at the path I was on and where that path leads. I decided to depart and blaze a new trail to a destination that I would like better. I have had and will continue to have the dedication to stay the course and should I wind up in somewhere I don’t like I will have the pragmatism to figure out my flaws and course correct.

The values make me a good leader because they make me a better person. If I can’t lead myself how can I lead anyone else? Honesty breeds trust, bravery begets admiration, intelligence creates opportunity, dedication brings progress, and pragmatism yields results.

[anon No.11559672]

>>11559666 [thank you satan]
PART II: LEADERSHIP VISION STATEMENT

For this part I’m expected to explain what type of leader I would like to be as well as what I want to accomplish as a leader. I don’t like either of the proposed questions and I will get to why in a moment but I also will try my best to answer the questions at the same time. The kind of leader I want to be is also the same kind of person I want to be, a good one. However, I don’t exactly want to be a leader, I do not feel I have any specific knowledge or personality traits that would make me a good leader. If I must lead I have to do so in my own way and in accordance with my own morals, specifically the aforementioned five values. If I must I will lead by example because there is no other way to really lead. You cannot lead is there if no one who will follow. For someone to follow you they need to be going to the place you are currently at metaphorically or otherwise. Therefore you must have been, or must currently be, in the place they are trying to get to. It can then be said that without those things one is not actually a leader and must then be something else. As far as why I don’t like to the second question I would like to answer it with another question. How am I supposed to answer why I would like to accomplish as a leader when I don’t know who I am leading or why? I could lead the greatest military conquest of humanity but if I was given the goal of entertaining school children that would be considered a failure. Much like I can’t hit a bullseye without a target I can’t accomplish anything without a set goal.

[anon No.11559682]

>>11559672
PART III: STRENGTHS AND AREAS OF IMPROVEMENT
Strengths
My strengths are, in this order, honesty, persistence, and curiosity. Honesty is one of my values but it is also one of if not my greatest strength. This is because people know who and what I am, with this information people know how to deal with me and when people can count on your character they will seek you out for a meaningful relationship as a friend, mentor, or protégé. Persistence is another one of my strengths when I decide I want something I don’t quit. For my professional MMA career I have three third round finishes this is because I understand what it feels like to want to quit and to give in to those desires, since I know what the path to failure looks like I can avoid it better. I know what it means to be literally beaten down and keep going. To quote Rocky “It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward.” I have learned that no matter what happens life will hit you and if you give in and give up life’s not going to stop. You will just get used to the beating becoming callous and cynical. They say “curiosity killed the cat” but the rest of that saying is “but satisfaction brought him back”. Curiosity is one of my strengths because it helps me constantly learn new things. Constantly learning new things makes me continue to grow and will makes me better adapted for any potential new situation.

[anon No.11559686]

>>11559682
Areas for Improvement
One area for improvement is communication sometimes my honesty is a bit too much for people and when they are not used to dealing with reality in such an upfront and honest matter they can become uncomfortable. On the other side of the same issue you I frequently expect others to be as frank with me this can be less than advantageous when they are deceptive or even if they are just not upfront with their desires. Another area for improvement could be my tenacity; people can get annoyed with how I feel the need to fully explore ideas. I can come off as stubborn or inflexible but that’s not how I feel, I am usually just trying to be thorough. I need to learn to match intensity and just because someone says they care about things doesn’t mean they really do. So I need to make that read better so I’m not annoying people why I’m not hanging onto certain subjects. That leads into one of my other areas that need improvement, sometimes intelligence can fall in love with its own designs. When this happens it can lead to an almost totalitarian mindset, where you get a belief system based on intelligence and anything outside of the belief system is worth knowing because it isn’t “intellectual”. This can be hard for some people to avoid especially if they want simple black and white answers.

[anon No.11559689]

>>11559686
PART IV: DEVE LOPMENT ACTION PLAN
Strengths

I plan on further developing my honesty by constantly re-evaluating things I believe in and looking at how these things react with the natural world to get the best possible barometer for the true nature of being of the thing I am looking into. This is a lifelong process and it takes place one step at a time every day. The greatest resource for this is not other people, though they can be a big help, it is reality and the observation of the natural world. When you ask someone something they can lie to you, and perhaps they don’t even realize it because they might be also lying to themselves quite convincingly, but their actions will show you the truth. You can aggregate these into the collective actions of your environment which cannot lie to you because since they take place in reality they have the prerequisite of truth. I will measure my success based on how I feel at 3 am when I cannot sleep and I only have my thoughts for company, should I feel distressed I will know I am doing something wrong, if I feel at peace I will know I’m on the right path.

[Anonymous No.11559696]

I'm trying to become a grasshopper.

[anon No.11559697]

>>11559689
I plan on further developing my persistence by persistently persisting at persistence, but really I like to discuss my long term goals out load with my wife and anyone who will listen. People are a huge resource in this manner. This purpose is two-fold it is both a bit of light social coercion, fear of failure and shame, second is the idea of logos. Logos, in the western philosophical tradition, according to the sophists and Aristotle means “reasoned discourse” or “the argument” where the stoics identified the term with the divine animating principle pervading the universe. I used this to both call forth my idealized state of being into being and to hold myself to account is such a way that failure or even refrain are not an option. For the measure of success in this domain I use incremental steps along the pathway to my goal, which I set at perfection so it is intentionally unattainable but in this regard I will never be in short supply of areas that require attention for improvement.

This, curiosity, is one of the more recent things I have been working on. I discovered it while thinking about childhood and listening to a lecture where the speaker said “there is infinity within the finite” I thought back immediately to summer days playing with a tiny stream of water or some bugs, I thought of my front yard and how large it was and the adventures I had there. I look at it now and it’s a smaller than average front yard with a couple rocks, but that is such a reductive view of the world. The degree of complexity with in the smallest space should grow not shrink with our age, the complexity within finite spaces in infinite and so too is then the opportunity for improvement and the ability to do such is limited only by your willingness to approach things like a child. My plan is to approach as many things as I can stand as if I were seeing them for the first time and to engage them in a desire to understand. If I can do this and keep learning new things a can create a dopamine cycle for success where I am constantly rewarded for learning new things. I will measure my success by the amount of new knowledge I have learned.

[anon No.11559719]

>>11559696
just dance all summer
>>11559697
Areas for Improvement
How I plan on improving my communication is practice. Every time you have a successful meaningful conversation you get better at communicating. The more you practice communicating deeper topics and abstract thoughts that can be difficult to convey accurately the better you will get at the more subtle intricacies of communication. This is also constant feedback that improves every conversation so long as are pay attention. You can learn even more from conversations that go wrong than from ones that go smoothly. The measure of a successful conversation is that both parties walk away knowing more than they did going into the conversation and usually no one has yelled at the other too much.

I plan on improving upon the flaw of my obstinacy by better picking my battles. Sun Tzu said “Thus it is that in war the victorious strategist only seeks battle after the victory has been won, whereas he who is destined to defeat first fights and afterwards looks for victory.” I should avoid letting myself get bogged down in foolish arguments where the only victory is a pyrrhic one, and the reward is my peers and coworkers looking at me like a less professional name for a donkey. If I don’t enter those verbal quagmires I won’t feel the need to doggedly persist. I can properly identify winnable situation and do better cost benefit analysis on casual, intellectual, and dominance hierarchal disputes. I plan on using social cues as well different philosophical books particularly Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. I think stoicism will be incredibly beneficial in this scenario. Success in this regard will be measured by having frustrating arguments being fewer and farther between.

As far as improving upon what Thomas Sowell called “Vison of the Anointed” requires a different approach. The trappings of intellectualism and ideology don’t have much of an upside if applied “properly” nor are they misinterpreted positive things run amok. There is no excuse for this mode of thinking and it has been one of the more difficult to rid myself of. It is an echo of the worse parts of my past self and when tired or frustrated sometimes I, thankfully less and less, slip into these comfortable neurological ruts. I plan on improving by eliminating this from my life entirely. I’ve made significant improvement over the last two years and I don’t see this troubling me for much longer, hopefully within a year or so. My resources for this would only really be my own vigilance and success might be equally hard to measure as all that happens in the negative is I miss opportunities or knowledge I might have gained by being more open minded. So I would have to measure success in new and unexpected things experienced.

[Anonymous No.11560240]

I do at times wish to see cosmic perspectives. It would make me giddy, and quite like the blushing girl seeing something indecent at the park. I would love it for a time as loving for a long time is certainly out of the range of possibilities. But I do feel the streaming time is done. We were going somewhere, even if it could truly be considered nowhere or atleast nowhere yet.

[Anonymous No.11560381]

The moon's light colors the world a shade of silver. The clouds floating past her obscure her white glow. The green grass on this hill looks almost blue at this time of night. You can watch the wind flow through it in waves. Strands of her charcoal shaded hair stick to her soft pale skin, covering the freckles dotted across her cheeks and her still, pink lips. She's sitting on the ground beside me, leaning back onto her hands, staring up at the sky as the moon reflects in her dark brown eyes. She catches me staring, and I turn my head away, but she doesnt say anything, and goes back to looking up at the stars. Our hometown sleeps silently in the distance, we'd already known where our houses were from up here since before I was old enough to drive up the dirt path and we had to ride our bikes. Every Friday, like clockwork, we'd eat supper as fast as we could and run out the door with our mouths still full to meet each other at the end of the road, where the pavement ended and path up the hill began. The only time I'd ever missed a day was when I got the stomach flu and had to stay home that night. Her and her mom had come over to visit me, and brought a get well card covered in macaroni and glitter. I still have it in my shoebox under my bed but I don't think I've ever told her.

"Summer's almost over already huh?"

Her words catch me off guard, her voice sounds a thousand miles away.

"Yeah, I still can't believe you're leaving."

The corners of her mouth drop slightly.

"You know I already asked them to stay, there's nothing I could do. My dad starts his new job next week and there's no way he can change his mind now"

I don't know what to say.

"Maybe you could stay with me?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know...like stay at my place?"

"Jack, it's just not going to work..."

"Come on Em! You've stayed over hundreds of times! How would this be any different?"

"I'm sorry, it's just not my decision to make."

"Okay..."

You idiot do it now or you'll never get the chance. I turn towards her. She's looking down at the ground. A single teardrop runs down her cheek, hanging for a second before falling to the ground.

"Hey hey, come on, don't cry! You'll be back to visit soon and we'll go to the lake and get some ice cream just like we-"

Her lips are against mine before I even finish the sentence. I hadn't realized it had happened before her head was on my shoulder my arms were around her. She's sobbing quietly, and I try to comfort her as I'm counting every second we have left together.

"I've thought about doing that so many times now."

She says.

"All these years, all this time we've spent together and I waited until now. Until NOW."

"I wouldn't have traded it for anything in this world."

She kisses me on the cheek one more time after I put her bags in the trunk of her father's car. My mother is tearing up but she doesn't want me to see her cry. She rolls down the car window.

"Be home soon."

I say.

"Be home soon."

She says.

[Anonymous No.11560387]

>>11560381
Sorry if the dialogue is kind of stilted. I don't really write any, been putting it off for a while now.

[Anonymous No.11560631]

>>11535647
Smelly but good

[Anonymous No.11560644]

>>11546063
Quaint and wholesome

[Anonymous No.11560675]

>>11560381
Jesus Christ, this is singularly awful.

[Anonymous No.11560728]

This is the first stanza of a chapter of a book-poem I'm writing, which is a reworking of the fantasy stories I wrote when I was in middle school. All for practice/personal satisfaction, but of course I want to improve as much as possible.

This was just written today and I'm probably going to junk, it but sincere criticism is welcome. This is a younger kid (12 maybe) who is part of a pilgrimage to a holy mountain so he can find out why Spring didn't come.


Rolled up, his bag makes him look like a snail--
He even sleeps in it. It’s his new home,
At least until he gets better with tents
(Or goes back home). The bag is half his weight;
His back is hunching towards his muddy boots,
Which he also lives in, since anyone
Could steal your boots, if they don’t have their own,
Muddy or not. He feels his feet walking,
Blistered, towards Spring, so he straightens himself,
And listens to the singing languages
Singing around him:

[Anonymous No.11560944]

>>11556749
1st line is some nice nature sketching but avoid triple alliteration, especially when it's so close together like that

2nd line should be reworked entirely, there haven't been inversions since Yeats and even then Yoda never wrote poetry

3rd line is aiight, mediocre

4th, stop inverting

5th"cramped in my cot" would work just fine

6th, the Romantics are dead

7th actually struck me nicely

8th I don't even know what it's trying to say

9th, cut the alliteration, it's not a crutch

10th, kinda weak
Overall a mediocre poem in its current form but some easy revision will make it a lovely piece. Post it again if you rework it.

[Anonymous No.11561024]

>>11554629
My favourite ITT. Good work anon.
But yeah like >>11554684 says, leave deciphering the meaning up to the reader. Explaining it all in prose kind of defeats the purpose of writing the poem.

[Anonymous No.11561035]

>>11560728
oh my fucking god

oh my god you are a fag

jesus christ

[Anonymous No.11561037]

>>11560944
>there haven't been inversions since Yeats

That poem is obviously in a romantic style though, and close alliteration and inversions are characteristic of romantic poetry.
>line is aiight, mediocre
wonderful criticism.

[Anonymous No.11561060]

To be expanded massively but it's a start

[Anonymous No.11561111]

>>11561037
I was trying to be quick and terse yo, i approved of the line.

[Anonymous No.11561126]

>>11561035
I know man, I already rewrote it

[Anonymous No.11561261]

The DJ is killing it every other song - if he let's it play to completion. A million degrees in the whole venue, every touch, rub and hug a sweat exchange. Beautiful mess this mass of meat crowded on the dance floor spasming to a beat only a fraction knows what to do with. The ones who do translate vibrations and lyrics into physical exercise, letting their body become an instrument the music plays. One can tell by the eagerness to impress who's honest about the music and who's not. The true connoisseur is not concerned with every nuance of the song - as an artist the Gesamtkunstwerk he is part of leaves enough space for the high minds to divine a higher purpose.
Guy was like that. His purpose was to capture this moment in time, dissolve amid the bliss to dance away death. He was also "DD" - the designated driver and unusually sober tonight.
"Hey man, you're not feeling this?" He nudged his friend Adam and gestured him to get up and throw down. Adam had drank enough already and then some, also one of his girls ditched him the other day.
"Nah man, I'm good. You do you. I dunno how you do it - this shit being sober and all." He took another sip and watched his friend do what passed for dancing, not capturing anything.

[Anonymous No.11561288]

>I hate my shit. Any tips on how to improve? I've really been striving to lately. This isn't part of a piece, just something I whipped up for the thread. Treat it like the beginning to a story.

Allen watched the sun dawn over the mountains. In fall, that meant he was already passed due for his shift. Or, well, that Eve was already passed due to get off hers. “0700, swap. One minute ‘till overcharge.” Allen said, first for the record. He had to cover his ass.

Eve didn’t budge from the rifle. It had her ensnared, wires running up the arm, winding bone and muscle, lighting up her neck and then her eyes deep blue. If you were a civvie, it might look mystical, like she were a djinn. But in the foxhole where Allen had spent the better part of the year, it was a tired sight, one that would make him sick if he ever saw it after the war. She wasn’t the first foxhole partner he had, but she was the first one with this nasty habit. To her superiors, it probably looked like dedication.

“Eve, 0700. Thirty seconds.”

But to Allen, in the light of the desert morning, it just looked really annoying.

“C’mon, lady. 0700. C’mon! C’mon! Fifteen seconds, you’re cutting it close!” Eve sighed in disappointment, pulled out of her pinpoint focus from the line of mountains on the far horizon. She had to give up whatever she was looking for. Allen thought she looked weird when she was disappointed, Never mad. Always cool.

“Alright.” Eve disengaged on her own time, even at the threat of the rifle cooking her soulless brain. Allen always thought that was kind of impressive, but he made sure never to say so. He didn’t want to encourage it. If she fried, the revolution would hang him. But not if his boss didn’t first.

“0700, swapping now. 7th Generation tech will fry your brain, Eve. Get some sense, wontcha’?” Allen was 19, younger than Eve by five years, were he with anyone else, he might have claimed to have more experience. He might’ve called himself more mature. But with Eve? Well, even without the glow of the rifle’s tech, her eyes looked vacant. Not vacant like stupid, vacant like an empty bird’s nest, or a forest after a fire. Empty empty.

“Sorry, bugger.” Always bugger. ‘That’s Sergeant Bugger,’ he would’ve said back had he not made the joke a dozen times before. Saying it twice was already a faux pas as is, Allen was in deep. Not that Eve would've cared.

[Anonymous No.11561293]

>>11561288
>>11561060
>>11560728
>>11560381
>>11559001
>>11558905
see>>11546338

As in every single time I started reading, I quit at the first line and made a variation of a gurgling sound with my face scrunched up

[Anonymous No.11561303]

>>11560944
>>11561037
Thank you for the feedback. I am noticeably writing in an older style and am not worried about what is or is not being written in the current year, but I notice that it should roll off the tongue much easier. "Cramped in my cot" would not in fact be better, as it would throw off the seven syllable meter I have going. I also need to be more clear as to what is going on; the narrator, I somewhat imply, is living life as a sailor or merchant, etc. and misses home and the beauty of the hills thereat. I'm not sure if you noticed, but I'm limiting myself with the kind of rhymes I use, so this makes it that more challenging.

[Anonymous No.11561341]

>>11561293
OK

[Anonymous No.11561347]

>>11561293
Post work or step aside ladyboy.

[Anonymous No.11561372]

>>11561347
okay, pay me

[Anonymous No.11561381]

>>11561372
If you can't write a paragraph without effort then I have some bad news for your writing career ;)

[Anonymous No.11561399]

>>11561381
write about what you fucking retarded poser? do you actually think im going to create fiction to you for free? are you actually retarded?

[Anonymous No.11561406]

>>11561399
If you can't even think of something on your own then you're not even fit to join a writing workshop let alone get paid for your work. Which is good, the world needs plenty of failures. ;)

[Anonymous No.11561418]

>>11561406
Yeah, youre definitely retarded. Tell me again, why should I give you quality for free? To seek validation from the shitters in this thread?

[Anonymous No.11561421]

>>11561418
It's not like you're going to get paid for it you dense fuck

[Anonymous No.11561430]

>>11561421
It might be time to stop projecting kiddo

[Anonymous No.11561437]

"Hey,dad I want to be a rapper."
Timmy took a slap that seemed to have the force of several nukes.
"Damn it,Timmy! I knew I should have been cautious about your nigger heritage. You have to work for InfoWars full time! I can't have you be doing this degenerate shit on the side!"

There was a ferocity in his father's voice that he hadn't heard outside his news persona.But it died down. His father's head drooped and the look in his eyes shook Timmy to the core. His mouth creaked open and a single word escaped.

"Why?"

Timmy gulped and prepared to answer.

"I've wanted to do this for 2 years,Dad. I've posted tons of freestyles on SoundCloud and I've got some clout. If I put my heart into it now, I'm sure I can make it in the rap game.

"WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO JOIN A CAREER WHERE YOU ARE SO EXPOSED TO CULTURAL MARXISM!"

"EVERBODY NEEDS A SHOT SHOT SHOT NIGGA!"

Timmy barely realised the words that came out of his mouth. He'd always liked quoting his idol. But had never done it in front of his father. However,now he had the courage to make his decision.

"Dad,I'm not continuing the family business."

His father towered over him,fuming like a bull.

"You can't do this to me,you little shit."

"It's too late,Alex. I'm part of it now."


"THE SCUM GANG."

[Anonymous No.11561438]

>>11561418
Because you flaunted your skill, so let's see it. I hope you don't post desu, you're good at being a narcissistic pussy, and keeping you there gets my dick harder than any shitty piece you might squeeze out.

[Anonymous No.11561454]

>>11561430
>kiddo
Hahaha you must be fuming inside you idiot

[Anonymous No.11561458]

>>11561438
>Because you flaunted your skill, so let's see it.

Yes, and it would automatically already make me better than everyone who posted because I dont need to seek validation from a pile of autistic wankers who cant even write anything themselves. Its already blatantly obvious that youre the type of retarded autist who thinks "good writing" will come from some flowery dogshit and thus you think I should just pick a topic for some paragraph and write some cringy not-poem about it for autists to wank over here. Youll never make it kiddo

t.>>11558689

[Anonymous No.11561467]

>>11561438
>>11561438
ooh he's got you anon. you're going to have to post your writing now, there's no way out of this.

[Anonymous No.11561471]

>>11561458
>Don't need to seek validation
>Keeps posting this narcissistic shit
yikes

[Anonymous No.11561476]

>>11561458
>Seek validation from a pile of autistic wankers who cant even write anything themselves

Actually it's called sharing your work for fun and constructive critcism

I posted some of my work here once. An anon said it was really good. It made me happy.

Why are you so mad?

[Anonymous No.11561484]

>>11561471
I know youre legitimately retarded, but Im here to laugh. Whatever """"narcissistic shit"""" youre whining about are replies to retardation like this >>11561347

>>11561476
>Actually it's called sharing your work for fun and constructive critcism

Yeah, I dont post material that is going to be sold for money for free on fucking /lit/, I know youre a retarded brainlet but the archives are there forever and anything you write will be found from google in 5 seconds

[Anonymous No.11561488]

>>11561458
That's what I'm talking about. Keep it coming. Purr for daddy. ;) Purrrr purrrr

I've already made it actually. I make a living off of my writing and as an actual professional I know for a fact that writing up a paragraph for free should take as much effort as readjusting your nuts. You don't do it because you're afraid that the autists will poopoo on your writing.

Your whiny diatribes are vapid and brainless enough, and I'd bet good money your writing is the same. Now you just need to disprove it, which you can't, because you lack both the skill and the balls.

[Anonymous No.11561490]

>>11561484
You're here to laugh? What are you laughing at? Your abject failure to present an air of intellectual superiority to a bunch of losers on 4chan? Pathetic.

[Anonymous No.11561494]

>>11561458
Being too pussy to supply some of your work to our criticism after insulting everyone else does not automatically make your work better than ours

r u retarded

>youre the type of retarded autist who thinks "good writing" will come from some flowery dogshit and thus you think I should just pick a topic for some paragraph and write some cringy not-poem about it for autists to wank over here
>thus

XD

[Anonymous No.11561496]

>>11561488
>ughuhuh disprove me for anonymous cred hehe

I already told you, pay me and ill write you a paragraph. No, you havent "made it" if youre here working for free

[Anonymous No.11561503]

>>11561496
Okay. Give me some contact info/paypal and I'll pay you right now.

[Anonymous No.11561504]

>>11561484
>material that is going to be sold for money

none of your writing will ever sell or be appreciated if you're too pussy to share it and get criticism

[Anonymous No.11561506]

ALL FAGGOTRY WILL CEASE BEYOND THIS POST

[Anonymous No.11561509]

>>11561488
>Your whiny diatribes are vapid and brainless enough, and I'd bet good money your writing is the same. Now you just need to disprove it, which you can't, because you lack both the skill and the balls

K.O

[Anonymous No.11561513]

>>11561504
pic very related, I never said I dont share it anywhere, I said I dont post my actual, very much so going to be sold for money work to 4chan

>>11561503
Yeah, you arent going to do it

[Anonymous No.11561516]

>>11561496
I bet it's a pile of steaming shite

[Anonymous No.11561522]

>>11561513
>my actual, very much so going to be sold for money work

Why don't you post some of your actual, already-sold-for-money work then? What material have you got published? We'll read some of that. Do you have a website or Amazon link?

Or has noone actually bought any of your work yet? In which case, you have 0 reason to believe your 'work' is worth amything. It is you that is the arse face, I'm afraid.

[Anonymous No.11561524]

>>11561513
I have money to spare, like I said I'm an actual professional. And no one's asking for your current work, if you're such a great writer, you can churn out a pretty little paragraph in no time.

But we both know you won't.

https://youtu.be/FH07jAKHDhs?t=43s
>vid related it's me serenading you

[Anonymous No.11561525]

>>11561484
Wow, what an embarrassing post. Just share your writing you obnoxious fucking faggot.

[Anonymous No.11561527]

>>11561513
> Yeah, you arent going to do it
And that confirms it. Biggest copout I've ever seen in my life. Go fuck yourself, you goddamn worthless nobody.

[Anonymous No.11561543]

>>11561522
>already-sold-for-money work then?

None of it is in my possession or belongs to me, its freelance work in one form or another

> if you're such a great writer, you can churn out a pretty little paragraph in no time.

yes, and im even greater for knowing that I have literally nothing to gain from proving anyone anything in this shithole, it can only damage me later due to the archives

[Anonymous No.11561545]

>>11561543
Your writing is obviously going to be terrible and you'll never amount to anything

[Anonymous No.11561547]

>>11561545
Sure thing kiddo, keep seething

[Anonymous No.11561549]

>>11561543
>yes, and im even greater for knowing that I have literally nothing to gain from proving anyone anything in this shithole, it can only damage me later due to the archives

Then why are you STILL here idiot? Why are you still replying? It seems to me that you want to prove that you're better than everyone else (you're not). You are really a slimy little mongrel.

[Anonymous No.11561557]

>>11561547
I'm fine. You're just a loser who can't write

[Anonymous No.11561560]

>>11561549
>Then why are you STILL here idiot? Why are you still replying?

Why not? This is open on my other monitor, keep seething autist

[Anonymous No.11561561]

>>11561543
But you don't need to post your current work, pussy-boy.

Even shitty writers can push out a paragraph like it's nothing, anon. The fact you can't tells anyone who has actually written anything that you're not anything close to a writer. But like I said, I'm getting actual sexual pleasure out of what you're posting right now, so I guess that does make you a kind of prostitute, were you not doing it for free, which is ironic considering your circumstance. ;)

[Anonymous No.11561562]

>>11561543
You said everyone else's writing is shit. If you think youre so much better than everyone else, then the decent thing to do is prove it. If you don't want to sully your current work or any writing you think is valuable, then knock out something now for us to criticize. If you can't, then you're a shit writer. If you really think something you've written up in 10 mins with minimal editing is going to be valuable, youre arrogant, and a shit writer.

[Anonymous No.11561563]

>>11561543
>>11561547
>shreckposter AND a footfaggot

YEP

[Anonymous No.11561567]

>>11561560
Nice deflection retard. Still didn't answer my question though.

>other monitor
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Anonymous No.11561571]

>>11561563
>muh le foot "faggot"

are you fucking twelve? I have every single fetish in the world kid, all of it is the same shit and "le feet" is probably the most normal fetish you can imagine, barely enough to even be called a fetish at all as its just a body part

>>11561562
>You said everyone else's writing is shit.
it is
>If you think youre so much better than everyone else, then the decent thing to do is prove it.
writing is work, not something I do to "prove" autists anything
>then knock out something now for us to criticize.
read above, ill join your epic writing competition once theres prizes and actually qualified judges
> If you can't, then you're a shit writer.
not an argument and barely even smart enough to be called a fallacy yet, this is just desperate retardation

>>11561561
>Even shitty writers can push out a paragraph like it's nothing, anon.
yes, exactly, because they are shitty "writers" who dont know anything about writing. Maybe if you keep saying HAHA LE POST IT over and over again youll eventually con me into doing it

>>11561567
>other monitor
>HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

what? are you legitimately retarded?

[Anonymous No.11561575]

>>11561571
But anon, it's so easy. That's what really gets me. Everyone I know can churn out paragraphs like it's NOTHING, so why can't you? You can't because you literally cannot. Even if you wanted to, you lack the gumption and skill to even put one together. I'm not saying you should do it, I'm saying you are literally unable.

And this pleases me so much, I've hit orgasm and am rarin' to go again. Hit me with another one of those delusional ditties babe.

[Anonymous No.11561579]

>>11561571
I'm going to assume you're baiting now. You are way too fucking clueless to be a good writer. Prove me wrong anon!

[Anonymous No.11561582]

>>11561575
>Everyone I know can churn out paragraphs like it's NOTHING, so why can't you?

Every single paragraph I write goes into my work, not out here for free to please autists in some imaginary squabble which will then somehow magically give me status on an anonymous website

[Anonymous No.11561591]

>>11561582
Most writers I know can push out two books at once while writing pages a day they'll throw into the trash. Some of them are shitty writers too, and your excuse is that you're too good for it? You can think of a better one than that, Anon! ;)

[Anonymous No.11561599]

>>11561579
>>11561591
>>11561579
>>11561591

“As you can see.” Said the butler Donaville. “There is much to be had in this part of the country.” Donaville was always so arrogant thought the little red man, though Donaville had a right to be since he owned such a large portion of his estate. “Ah yes but the slaves Donnie what about the slaves.” The red man hadn’t ever considered that in the least, but they would have enough slaves for the night he thought. Enough slaves to have all the freaky thespian sex they could ever want forever. That was the way of the blueblooded men atop Perriwinkle hill.

Fine, match it faggots. But you have to post too.

[Anonymous No.11561602]

>>11561599
What exactly was your epic meme here?

[Anonymous No.11561611]

>>11561602
So at least we know you're a finn now. Are you embarrassed because english is your second language? It's okay, anon. You can improve, but you have to post your work first.

[Anonymous No.11561619]

>>11561611
>Are you embarrassed because english is your second language?

Why would I be? I dont write in english, only translate to it, my english is better than 99.9% of native english speakers

[Anonymous No.11561624]

>>11561619
>my english is better than 99.9% of native english speakers
kek

[Anonymous No.11561626]

>>11561619
How successful are you at writing, Anon? Are you top of the charts in your country?

[Anonymous No.11561636]

>>11561624
Yes? I hope you arent retarded enough to use 4chan posts as a metric for my skills in any language, native or otherwise

>>11561626
If you werent illiterate youd know already that I havent published anything yet, Ive been paid for other writing projects in the past

[Anonymous No.11561644]

>>11561636
What kind of writing projects anon? Anyone can be paid for technical writing. Are you hoping to be a fantasy writer? A crime-drama writer? If you can't post your work, at least grace us with your ambitious vision o' pussy boy of pussy boys.

[Anonymous No.11561653]

>>11561644
>What kind of writing projects anon?

freelance content for whatever websites or articles, erotica

>If you can't post your work, at least grace us with your ambitious vision o' pussy boy of pussy boys.

Ive posted about it in the past before I had even properly started, and was stupid enough to include book specific titles and terminology so the archives now have old concepts and abandoned ideas/brainstorming publicly available

[Anonymous No.11561655]

>>11561619
>my english is better than 99.9% of native english speakers
LOL

[Anonymous No.11561660]

>>11561653
You can just say the genre, Anon. That will at least tell me if you're pedestrian AF or not.

[Anonymous No.11561672]

>>11561653
Why not just link to the websites then?

[Anonymous No.11561675]

>>11561660
literary fiction/ horror fantasy

I wouldnt categorize it with most fantasy works regardless of the fictional world simply because its very "story" over "plot" focused, akin to something like botns

>>11561672
Not how it works and none of it is written in english

[Anonymous No.11561682]

>>11561675
How old are you anon? Also are you a boy or a girl?

[Anonymous No.11561690]

>>11561682
Irrelevant. Second sentence is a central thing in the book, though.

[Anonymous No.11561698]

>>11561690
So the main character is trans? That's kind of cool.

[Anonymous No.11561722]

>>11561698
There are three protagonists, but no. The titular character of the book is, but he isn't actually human.

This isn't actually stated anywhere in the work directly so I might as well say it here, but the world is a post apocalyptic-jihad finland/remains of sweden that escaped to another planet. The book starts when the main character ("the worldkiller") awakens in a mechanized, nightmare mecca drifting in the abyss, approaching the remains of civilization. The actual central theme of the work is transformation, hence why none of the protagonists have a real body and the titular character shapeshifts at will.

[Anonymous No.11561729]

>>11561690
Age isn't irrelevant, are you kidding? Writing in particular is very much an old man's game, and young people suck at it save for a few exceptions.

[Anonymous No.11561748]

>>11561722
well that's enough to dox you in the future kid have fun. I read your premise and got tired so I'm going to sleep now. I'll stay to reply to anything you say provided it's juicy enough. Also I lied about the trans concept being kind of cool so don't take that to heart god forbid also you're such a stereotypical narcissist it's almost kind of sad I will say a prayer for you before I sleep

[Anonymous No.11561758]

>>11561748
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's not the "premise" of the story, more like worldbuilding. I'm intentionally replacing terminology and explaining concepts that aren't stated anywhere in the book exactly so that I wont leave any recognizable traces behind.

[Anonymous No.11561766]

>>11561758
There aren't many finnish authors to begin with buddy boy, your genre just narrows it down.

[Anonymous No.11561772]

>>11561766
Okay? What exactly are you trying to say? Someone is going to send me an email in a year saying that HAHA U POSTED IN THAT THREAD after the book is out?

[Anonymous No.11561776]

>>11561772
i dunno ill probably just hit on your mom or something lol. But I will get to see your pudgy little cheeks and imagine pinching them.

[Anonymous No.11561788]

>>11561675
I speak a few languages, try me

[Anonymous No.11562727]

>>11561437
>"EVERBODY NEEDS A SHOT SHOT SHOT NIGGA!"
To be quite honest, I started skimming this after the 'nigger heritage' because everything was too on-the-nose, but this jumped out at me as I was skimming and made me laugh