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/lit/ - Literature

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[ERROR] No.11418320 [Reply] [Original]

So heres the first chapter of my fantasy novel, I've been submitting to duotrope publishers and so far have gotten 2 rejections. One of them said "You need to tighten up your prose a little" so how do I do that? anyone got any help?

https://pastebin.com/FhL22cHS

>> No.11418350

Your paragraphs seem like disjointed lists of vaguely related thoughts. Try to be more cohesive with your ideas.

>> No.11418365

I only read two sentences and already spotted an error. You mean "sow," not "sew."

>> No.11418380

>>11418320
>as he spent another day working in the field of his family’s humble little farm.

delete that

>> No.11418384

>>11418380
y?

>> No.11418387

>>11418320
he's got an old experience farmer characterisation, is young, and wants a sword from mommy. really?

>> No.11418394

>>11418384
you mention it later, plus it's a summary/time frame of a whole day. your next sentences are specific actions of that same day. the day isn't over yet. so it can't already be "spent".

>> No.11418427

>>11418380
your prose is filled with repetitions

>Just another day for Braun Grimm
>This day had been just like any other day
>He looked over the small plot of land
>It was a modest little farm
>[Braun] walked up the the old rickety wooden steps to his porch and into his house
>Brian walked up the porch and into the small wooden home

>> No.11418478

>>11418320
I don't know if this is bait but I'll try to answer seriously anyway.

Whenever a publisher says one-sentence generic nonsense like "tighten your prose", what actually tightened was their assholes, when they read your work. It means there are several glaring problems and "loose prose" is the least of them.

I recommend reading the following book: https://www.amazon.com/Self-Editing-Fiction-Writers-Yourself-Print/dp/0062720465

It's very basic but skimming through your work I can see that the basics are lacking. I'd also recommend picking up a book on story structure since your story is cliche and unfortunately, boring. I recommend the one by Dwight Swain, or even a book on screenwriting (since screenwriters have to worry about structure first and foremost given the screentime limit).

If you actually managed to write the 70-90k words that compose a novel, congratulations are in order. I actually envy you in a way, few people get that far. Remember that most of writing is rewriting. By no means should you be discouraged by what I wrote here. I would recommend you outline your current manuscript and work on the story first, then work through the editing book to "tighten up your prose". No one really cares about prose in fantasy anyway.

Good luck man. You'll make it.

>> No.11418531

>>11418478
Stern, yet intuitive. Critical, yet helpful. Wow anon. Kudos. Couldn't say it better myself.