critique these two excerpts from a story

[Anonymous No.11360892]

La Bruja de Bronx

Walking home at 3:26 in the morning, not my best move. With that in mind, I pick up the pace a little. How I managed to lose track of each of the 4 friends I went out with and end up at the very end of Hughes is beyond me. I check my phone to see if it will miraculously turn back to life: nothing. Dammit.
“Hey, Alanza!” I turn back to see Garrett loping towards me. He’s not my favorite person in the whole world, but it beats walking alone, so I wait for him. Garrett’s face resembles a golden retriever’s face after fetching a tennis ball, never tired of the relentless game. “What up, my little Mexican jumping bean?”
“I told you to stop calling me that.”
Garrett smacks himself roughly on the forehead, “God, my bad dude, I’m trying here.”
Sure you are, dude.
We walk together in silence for a bit. Garrett clears his throat, “So, what are your plans for the rest of the night?”
“I’m going home to watch Broad City and eat Cheetos. You?”
“Sounds fun, but you know what would be even better? If you came over my to my apartment right now.”
Sighing, I stop and look at him, “Look, Garrett, I’m tired and I just want to go back home, ok?”
“My apartment is so close though, and I have Cheetos.”
“Tempting, but again, I just want to go back to campus.” I try to start walking

[Anonymous No.11360893]

again, but Garrett grabs me by the arm. “Let go of me.”
His grip tightens, “My apartment is literally right there, Alanza. Tons of girls would be dying to be in your shoes right now.”
“Garrett, I said let go of me.” I try to pull my arm away, but his hand is like a vice. Before I even know what’s going on, my left arm comes swinging around, hitting him straight on the cheek. His hand lets go of me, and my right hand goes straight up and into the bottom of his jaw, and I can hear his teeth snap together. I sprint away from him, and I can barely see five inches in front of me when I run into a dark mass. Landing on my back, I’m trying to scramble away from whatever is in front of me when I hear, “Hey, hey, calm down. I’m not going to hurt you.”
My eyes adjust to the light, and I see a man with hands the size of baseball gloves, a beer belly, and a receding hairline. “You alright there, mija?”
-------

My vision is getting darker and darker. I have to place a hand on the wall to guide me. Finally, I make it to the locker room. I try to sit on the bench, but I miss it, and I just end up on the floor. Tears stream down my face as I clutch my arms, digging my nails into my skin.
Suddenly, I feel something touch me. I flinch and try to move away, but I hear, “Mija, it’s me, Leo.” I open my eyes, and he’s right there next to me on the floor. I’m about to tell him to go away, but I just bury my face into his chest. He holds me tightly.
“Mija, talk to me.”
Sniffling, I sit up and face Leo, “I know him, Leo. He didn’t even recognize me. How could he not recognize me?”
“How do you know him?”
I look at the tile floor, “We met at a party last year. My god, he was just my type: blond hair, blue eyes. Basically, the ultimate white boy. He looked so good in that army

[Anonymous No.11360896]

green shirt he was wearing. I told him I didn’t want to do anything. He said that was ok, but he didn’t listen.” I tried to open my mouth to say more, but I just burst into tears.
Leo embraces me, “You don’t have to talk about it anymore, mija.”
I cry into his shirt, “I was so ashamed that I couldn’t stop him, so I never reported it. I didn’t want anyone to find out what happened.”
Leo rubs my back, “Listen, you don’t have to do the fight. I can tell everyone you got food poisoning or something.”
I manage to calm down enough, and I sit back up again, “I just don’t know what to do.”
“You could put the fear of death into that bastard.”
But that voice didn’t come from Leo, it came from behind me. I turn around to see Jesús standing there with his arms crossed. He continues, “Of course you don’t have to fight, Alanza, but you are one of the best fighters I have ever had. I used to train that pendejo, and he’s horrible. I stopped training him because I didn’t want to be associated with him. I thought I could change him as a person too, but I realized that you can’t with somebody like him no matter how hard you try. You didn’t deserve to have this happened to you. But, if you go in that ring, you’re not going to be just getting revenge. In fact, you shouldn’t even do it for revenge. You’re going to show that bastard that you’re ten times the person he is. You’re la Bruja; the best damn fighter with a fire in her that even he can’t put out.”

[Anonymous No.11360897]

It shows promise my friend, but some portions are redundant. For example:

>Garrett’s face resembles a golden retriever’s face after fetching a tennis ball, never tired of the relentless game.

You can drop "never tired of the relentless game"- everybody who's been in the same zip code as a golden retrieve gets the mental image and idea you are trying to convey (eagerness and sincere happiness).

[Anonymous No.11360920]

>>11360892
ITT: white people are superior. Seriously, fuck off

[Anonymous No.11361578]

>>11360897
Man I love the guy on the right's aesthetic. Fur collared coats are so cool.

[Anonymous No.11362091]

>>11361578
>guy on the right

It's funny because that's just a random russian bureaucrat that the guy on the left, a Texan tourist, chose to pose with during his visit to the recently collapsed soviet union. He was certainly snappily dressed for his position, perhaps some oligarch $$$ was already starting to roll in.