/lit/ - Literature

[OP is a fag No.1132851]

HEY! HEYYYYYYYYYYY!
hey there /lit/, i'm looking for some constructive criticism for this short story of mine, so play along eh?

So, there was this girl, we'll call her alice, and little alice had a secret, she really liked to wear this rabbit mask her dad made her for halloween when she was 12.
The rabbit mask was not the prettiest mask she ever had for halloween, but it was the only mask her dad made with his own two hands, despite his multiple sclerosis, he took his time (sometimes she wondered just how much time did he really spend on it) and made her, his little princess, a rabbit mask.

[OP is a fag No.1132858]

It was rough around the edges, far away from a perfect (or for that a comfortable) mask, but god did she love it...did she love the idea of her dad, making the mask with his own two shaking hands, taking breaks every 15 minutes because of the strain on his broken body, but having the will to do it, to finish it, no matter how much it frustrated him, or how much he just wanted to shred the damned thing and just buy her a plain old mask...it made her aroused.

[OP is a fag No.1132861]

it made her aroused in the same way arthur now did, breaking his back for her, giving her everything she always wanted, everything she DESERVED! and in return, arthur would get a content pet, and boy did arthur love his pet, how he loved to play with her, ruffle her fur, pull her by the ears, put...carrots...in places where there shouldn't be any, maybe he just wanted to see where they would, or wouldn't let the seed take root...

[OP is a fag No.1132869]

she remembers quite well how this all began, when daddy died, and mommy started hitting the bottle as if it were the illness that took her love, and suddenly, she wasn't living in a castle anymore, just a rundown apartment, with small rooms, blank walls, stale air that smelled of morphine and a queen with hair pulled out in tufts sobbing in the kitchen.
What else could the princess do than go on a self embarked exile, and find another kingdom for herself? Where once again she would be treated right.
So she left the apartment, with the rabbit mask tightly in hand, a heirloom of a dinasty now gone.

[OP is a fag No.1132875]

She made camp somewhere at the north side of town, due to a heavy downpour of rain, and you can't expect the princess to trudge the world soaked and cold now could you? What kind of fairytale would that be... Certainly not this one! As she sat under the tent made of cardboard boxes and shivered heavily (for no one feels the cold as the blue bloods do) she adjusted the rabbit mask on her face, and tried to smell what was left of daddy in it. It smelled of dirt, everything smelt of dirt to her now, with slightly different aromas: smog-dirt, grime-dirt, unwashed hair-dirt and just dirt-dirt. It smelled of rain, slightly acidic, sticky autumn rain, the one that makes you feel as if you'd have taken a bath in a tub full of old watery bubblegum, the kind you get after chewing the same gum for a couple of hours, she felt it all to her lungs. She started to cry, she didn't want to, but she did. We don't know for how long the princess had been crying, for it was an embarrassing moment which should best be left forgotten. And then underneath all the tears, she smelled daddy. Why hello there little rabbit, what are you doing out in such bad weather?
I-i-i...she sobbingly started. I'm not a ra-ra-rabbit. I'm a rabbit pr-pri-princess! My da-da-daddy to-told me so.
Oh did he now...

[OP is a fag No.1132893]

He took her in, gave her a beautiful clean dress with frills, a pair of white knee socks with flower motifs and pretty little shoes. It was just right. He cleaned her up, washed all the grime away, washed all the smells away. He carefully, as per her instructions, dried her rabbit mask. He was just right. And then he gave her carrots. She nibbled on them with her rabbit mask on, for a princess can eat any way she damn well pleases. Then he gave her another kind of carrot, a little wider, and a little less orange, but a treat for the rabbit princess non the less. And as she fell asleep, the inside of her mask smelled like daddy again.

[Anonymous No.1132899]

Not only is this bad. Its not even written well.

[Anonymous No.1132908]

awful but oddly compelling. moar.

[OP is a fag No.1132910]

I made this little shit a few minutes ago on /mu/, and i'd appreciate your thoughts and criticism, should i try to work on it, expand it perhaps or just work out the inconsistencies?

[Anonymous No.1132914]

thats the end? then never mind, just awful.

[TyBrax !WvWWh.l.CE No.1132928]

Am I the only one that thought I was getting erotica?

sage for subtlety, sorry op.

[OP is a fag No.1132929]

>>1132899
>>1132914
i'm aware that it's shit but i'm also aware that it has a sort of catchiness to it, so your opinions on should i try to rewrite it and give it some thought, instead of just blindly flailing on the keyboard?

and no, it isn't done, the thread died before i could finish and that's what i have for now

[Anonymous No.1132930]

>>1132929
I only thought the part around post 2-3 were actually good, if terribly written.

[OP is a fag No.1132931]

>>1132928
it is supposed to be, but as i said the thread died before it could get anywhere, i'm interested in whether you think is it salvageable or not and if the premise seems interesting

[TyBrax !WvWWh.l.CE No.1132962]

>>1132931
for a grim setting the plot moves way too fast. you should work on it maybe & post it here again sometime.

[OP is a fag No.1132975]

>>1132962
thanks for the input. It was faster-paced because the thread was nearing an image limit which it then promptly reached...if i try rewriting it, it will definetly be more slow in its pacing. oh and should have probably mentioned that it's my first try on writing something in english.

Any other suggestions?

[Anonymous No.1132984]

>>1132962
You should post more pictures of yourself. I find you very attractive.

[TyBrax !WvWWh.l.CE No.1132985]

>>1132975
at least one notable thing happening near the start, even if it's tame compared to the rest. (e.g. Nabokov has the protagonist frolicking with his childhood sweetheart early in the start of Lolita)

[TyBrax !WvWWh.l.CE No.1133000]

>>1132984
why?

[Tanaka Jones No.1133009]

Seemed pointless, stories are supposed to do something, not just meander. Write something that isn't porn, or fetish writing.

[Chuck_Bass !K0GoSSIpGI No.1133013]

>>1133000
It's difficult to explain physical aesthetics...

[Anonymous No.1133015]

>>1133000
Because I have good vision and a functioning penis.

[TyBrax !WvWWh.l.CE No.1133017]

>>1133013
well i can do it. i'm too tall. I guess i'm not really that fat but I couldn't tell that when I had no one to talk to.

[Chuck_Bass !K0GoSSIpGI No.1133023]

>>1133017
I've never seen a picture of you so I can only speak to your personality, which is quite attractive...

[Anonymous No.1133026]

>>1133023
What a fag.

[TyBrax !WvWWh.l.CE No.1133038]

>>1133026
Enjoy your aloneness & judging people based on their tastes + looks

[Anonymous No.1133045]

>>1133038
How did I judge anyone based on tastes or looks, I simply judged the guy based on the fact that he told a girl on 4chan that he does not know that he was attracted to her personality.