/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.11198426]

>mfw reading my own writing
who else on /suicidewatch/ regarding their own prospects as a writer? I spent so much time and energy convincing myself that I had what it takes, constructing a whole identity around the pursuit of literary achievement. I read books, many I did not particularly enjoy, hoping they would impart some unconscious process to me that would improve my skills like one would catch a virus. I wrote daily and truth be told I never improved, it was always the same and it forced me to admit that I am not actually all that creative and have nothing of any merit worth saying. I admit I am not meant to be a writer and it is time to move on. I suck. I don't know what to do next, I construct a big shallow identity around this bullshit and now I am no one again, maybe I always was.

ITT: Books that give you a big old laugh, pic related

[Anonymous No.11199040]

>>11198426
It's ok to not be good. That's step one to becoming good.

I wanted to be a theoretical physicist. I really thought I had the math and philosophy skills to do it. But I found out in grad school that I just wasn't that talented. I have good intuition, but my thinking just isn't structured enough to compete with the better theoretical physics. So now I'm doing something else, something more practical.

My advice (don't deny that this is an advice solicitation!) is don't give up just because you're discovering you're not as smart or talented as you are, or that you don't like the person you thought you were anymore. Share your pain with someone you trust (or vent it online), and grow. Don't forget who you were, but don't feel the need to be proud of who you were either. Take this bruise to your ego, and wear the scar. Let your embarrassment teach you not to think you know everything or are the most talented, and that it's ok not to be ultra-knowledgeable or the best at something you care about.

It's difficult to tell from your small post, but it sounds like you've staked a lot of your own self worth on your ability and superiority, and now you're crashing because you found out you're not as able as you thought you were. That's a good thing. A position of humility and inability is the best way to actually attain knowledge.

Charlatanry arises from people who believe in themselves too much, who believe they are as great as they say they are. Finding out you're not that great is the first step in bettering yourself. If you're truly embarrassed by your past, it means now you can actually look at things from an outside perspective - you don't have to reflexively defend your own shoddy work anymore, you can look at it and try to compartmentalize and identify your errors so you can correct them.

The only step in your way is first facing and your shame and moving towards (not necessarily achieving, that's a bigger task) self acceptance. Therapy can really help with that. Shed off the cruel things you think about yourself - you're a developing human being who's learning, the nature of life comes with severe and embarrassing errors. The most important skill in developing yourself is facing your errors and learning from them, and that requires a humility and self-awareness, a realization that you're just not great (which it seems like you're having, which is good!)

/peptalk

[Anonymous No.11199056]

I hate myself and I always will no matter what happens in life, but have learned to embrace and try and become a better person... It's weird because I love myself compared to the rest of humanity, but hate myself because I'm human

[Anonymous No.11199063]

>>11199040
Based. Reason why I still fuck here anymore.

[Anonymous No.11199129]

>>11199056
Yes, I know this feeling too :/ I remember drunkenly telling a friend I hated being human and didn't ask to be born, which is funny in a way because it's exactly the kind of embarrassing memory that makes me hate myself...

We all have to learn to live with our self loathing somehow. I hope you find a way to carry on :)