/lit/ - Literature

so what is this verse about?

For the Phoenix to rise, life must die
And that's just how it is sometimes
The narrow path is not always clear cut but don't fear nothing
Good karma will amount to something
Raw talent force multiplier enforcer
The Universe bleeds from every orifice, I absorb it
Silver garments smell like garlic, camp-fire concert performers
My Last Supper was a cup of cornmeal porridge
The horizon is dark orange, the Phoenix rise, close orbit
I see armies of 9-foot Wookies in the forest
Transcendence, this is artificial dependence
Jupiter ascending through beautiful hues and color spectrums
The imagery is in the essence
I need not to be reminded how weak the flesh is
When I am hungry, under pressure, distracted and desperate
I say sing for your suppers you miserable tone-deaf motherfuckers
Coz all you do is fight with each other
You misogynist maggot, fifth columnist faggot
You make promises but take the dishonorable passage

this is better than keats best material overall aswell, i should add

>>11137911
it describes the matricidal multihierarchical network of events as a result of the psycho-social biological chemical and electronic manipulation of human consciousness and the eschatological implications for the third-density plane in an apocryphal apocalyptic fashion.

>>11137902
Royce da 59 "king of kings" is my shit. I really don't fuck with canibus at all.

>>11137902
This photo never fails to make me laugh.

>>11137902
mods

>>11137941
This is literature..

>>11137953
issa troll post
& insulting keatsdaddy should be autoban

>>11137971
no it isn't

>>11137902
how bout i come ova and hitcha ova the head with my tennis racquettte?

>>11137902
holy smoking

>>11137902
pls stop posting this picture i find it intimidating

>>11137902
ahahahahahhahaahhaha

>>11137902
>superior medium

How I read the stresses:

1. PYRaMIDS on EVery PLAnet
2. SPACEcrafts CRASH lanDED and DISbanDED, LEFT in a SANDpit

3. A CHRISTian CROSS stands OUTside a CRATer
4. Faint CREScent MOONlike SHAPES glows THROUGH the VAPour

5. twenTY first CENturRY MEGa QUAKES shake UPS
6. MOMmy LATE for WORK with MESSED up MAKE-up

7. DADdy LOST his JOB - THEY might BREAK up
8. He MAKES twenTY five CENTS a WEEK (He MAKES what?)

9. The COUNtry HUNGry and TIRed, NEro IS fine TUNing his LYre
10. The EMPire IS conSUMED by FIRE

11. PARLiaMENT CLOSEly MONiTORED - school BUS size COMets hit WASHingTON
12. PEOPle IN the CHURCH talKING aBOUT GOD aGAIN

13. TSUNaMI, what you mean God?
14. I mean WATCH the OCean SEEsaw up THOUsands OF feet TO the SEA floor

15. THOUGHT proCESS froze - think BUT do NOT diSCLOSE

1. DISbanDED should be stressed disBANDed
4. THROUGH should be unstressed
5+8. There seems to be an odd dialect thing here where twenty is stressed differently than normal.
9. Could be better not that bad. It just uses trisyllables and not disyllables.

Some of the rhymes are kind of boring and just rhyme the same syllable with the same syllable (see 5,6,7)

Overall it is mostly smooth in terms of stresses but just lacks a consistency of form. There are definitely some weak point though but possibly due to dialect issues.

Suggestions to improve:

1. More form and structure.
2. More creative rhyming.

All in all its all right but typical of improvised rap music: it needs a second revision.

>>11138244
https://youtu.be/8h22TOh-vgA?t=4m29s

try listening to it and reconsider the lack of consistency in meter or syllable stress. i feel as if you missed many intricate internal rhyme structures.

>>11138244
^2 should actually be:
2. SPACEcrafts CRASH lanDED and DISbanDED, left IN a SANDpit

About rhymes and partial rhymes:

1. Repeats a P sound
2. Repeats an A and a AND sound.
3. Repeats CR sound, inserts a trisyllable with OUTside a CRATer.
5. Repeats a Y sound, rhymes quake with shake
6. Repeats a M sound
7. No rhyme, a small play with rhythm with the caesura.
8. Repitition of make and rhyme of twenty with cents
9. Trisyllables, COUNTRY/HUNGRY, TIRED/LYRE, repetition of T sound
10. pi-er could be considered two syllables
11. PARLiaMENT CLOSEly is a goof
12. aBOUT GOD aGAIN is a goof

The poem is mostly uncreative with rhythm and doesn't really use trisyllables to good effect. And some of these seem like blatant goofs. Also many of the lines are too uneven without good reason. Really the poem could also better play with rhythm as well. A short caesura in the middle of the verse isn't really that great.

>>11137902
I dont view it as superior rather an adaptation for modern society. Poetry wasnt always relegated to the elite scholars of the time. It was for the entertainment of the masses as well. Just because an alternative method of presentation has been developed doesn't make it better juat more relatable to current culture.

>>11138269
nigger the fuck you get disyllables out of "HUNGry and TIRed"?

I think Im gonna stop coming to /lit/

>Muh dick muh dick muhfucka. Fuck whitey

Damn how can Keats even compete?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdUTexKy5gg