/lit/ - Literature

[Ricebottle !05nYLrwuNY No.11050124]

Anons, I have just finished this short story. Any recommendation whatsoever and reading of it would be immensely appreciated, please tell me what you think.

https://pastebin.com/YSNUrriN

[Anonymous No.11050144]

>>11050124
it's fucking incest.

[Ricebottle !05nYLrwuNY No.11050164]

>>11050144
What the fuck did you expect, faggot?

[Ricebottle !05nYLrwuNY No.11050190]

>>11050144
I fail to see the problem.

[Anonymous No.11050229]

>>11050190
*deletes his original reply to get more (you)s*
I'm deleting my reply now.

[Ricebottle !05nYLrwuNY No.11050349]

>>11050229
I will delete my one too m8.

[Anonymous No.11050360]

>>11050349
deleting the post you replied to

[Anonymous No.11050378]

boring

[Ricebottle !05nYLrwuNY No.11050472]

>>11050378
>boring
Can you explain it to me why though?

[Ricebottle !05nYLrwuNY No.11050489]

Read my short story.

[Ricebottle !05nYLrwuNY No.11050562]

READ MY SHORT STORY NOW!!!!!

[Anonymous No.11050638]

It's difficult to make a single diagnosis, but I'll try. You're obviously a teenager writing with way too many adjectives and adverbs.

[Ricebottle !05nYLrwuNY No.11050648]

>>11050638
Should I use more substantives then? Is that what you're saying?

[Anonymous No.11050656]

There's already a critique thread faggot, use that

[Anonymous No.11050666]

I'll give it a read after my match

[Anonymous No.11050691]

>>11050124
What the fuck

[Anonymous No.11050704]

The prose is very clumsy anon. I'll go through the first few lines in detail.

>Those were the favorite quotes of my most beloved book.
This isn't too bad, I actually quiet like "most beloved book" as a phrase.

>It was exquisite and charming; and no wonder, considering how beautifully written everything in it was,
Doesn't sound good at all, and worse isn't an intelligent thought. If it's exquisite and charming, of course it's beautifully written!

>the prose, the style, the motifs, up to the plot.
This isn't a bad idea, but not well executed. Why "up to" the plot?

>I related to this lovely book on an emotional level for many reasons,
"relate to on an emotional level" is something I say when I'm talking shit with my friends, it doesn't work here.

>bringing me to tears often,
Full stop before this, "It brought me to tears often"

>and it was all because I saw my own reflection in Humbert.
OK.

>In his passionate desire, his unending love and limerence for his beloved
Take out "in", but otherwise OK.

>in this sick tale of forbidden love and Taboo,
Literally something you'd read on the back of an airport novel

>I read and read, relating to him as I found myself in the same situation;
Awkward as fuck

>a situation of a strong passion that swinged like a pendulum between joy and despair, hope and dismay.
It's "swung", unless your narrator is purposely speaking non-standardly. Overall not too bad, except the start. Something like "my passion swung like..." would be better.

At the same time though, you actually wrote a complete piece, which is more than 99% of /lit/ can say. Keep going anon, you'll get better.

[Anonymous No.11050735]

>>11050124
>limerince
Not a word you should use twice in a short story
>I mustered up all the... I could muster
Redundant
>it is a confession of love
>my mission in this life is to love you
No one speaks like this
>always, always, always
>etc
Sometimes it has more impact if it's only spoken once. Shorter sentences in this dialogue would seen more in line with the feeling you're trying to convey

[Ricebottle !05nYLrwuNY No.11050751]

Ok anons. Thanks a lot. Will make sure to improve it. Appreciated! Any more suggestions to improve text, anything at all?

[Ricebottle !05nYLrwuNY No.11050778]

>>11050735
>Noone speaks like this
Always, always, always

I know. But in my fucking mind it's just so much more romantic to remind one that is always, love forever.

[Anonymous No.11050816]

Poor showing. This isn’t a plot, this is just a scenario. Boo!

[Ricebottle !05nYLrwuNY No.11050995]

https://pastebin.com/xH2B8V48

Redone!
>>11050816
What do you think I should add to the plot Anon?

[Ricebottle !05nYLrwuNY No.11051003]

>>11050995
Wait. Will redo it again.

[Ricebottle !05nYLrwuNY No.11051069]

https://pastebin.com/Q7ymLJQQ

Hey! All better now!

[Ricebottle !05nYLrwuNY No.11051480]

>>11050124
https://pastebin.com/v6MSrifd

Now even better!

[Anonymous No.11051512]

>>11050124
Beginning with another writer's work is cheap, especially when its regarded as one of the greatest examples of poetic prose out there.

[Anonymous No.11051637]

>>11051480
>Those were the favorite quotes of my most beloved book.
Why does the book have favorites? Ought to be "my favorite quotes," rework the sentence. It's hard to get immersed when the very first sentence you wrote is troubled.
>As my eyes met hers and I asked "W-What happened?"
T-This is alright for greentext, but feels out of place here.
>Timed stretched
Typo.
>Her, a very beautiful, gorgeous woman...
Should be "She, a very beautiful..." since she is the subject.
>Those lips were red and beautiful, her lipstick bright red and like alluring synonyms of bright red ripe cherries one longed to have in one's mouth.
That simile is really pushing your luck.
>my mind would dissolve and my body ensue next
Don't use "ensue." Just: "my mind would dissolve and my body follow."
>"This might kill me", I thought.
Is there any reason this sentence could not have been:
This might kill me.
It's tidier, no need to keep repeating the subject. There's a lot of places where similar things could be done.
>Me and Joseph are getting a divorce
Unless you're specifically trying to characterize the mother by her grammar, use "Joseph and I."
>I felt the emotional and sexual tension between us as our faces approached closer and closer, her beautiful red lips longing to be touched and kissed.
So there's emotional and sexual tension here. Why? Convince me, "show don't tell." My face flushes, I feel her warm breath, taking in its smell.
>Our lips seductively touched
This is even worse than above. Our lips touched, gently at first, and then with more pressure, I hear her breathing louder now.
>making love to my lips
This is just a bad paperback romance novel, just needs the "galloping abs."
>"Now... Let's make love."
Just cut this altogether and end on the previous note.

In general, you're trying too hard with the flowery prose. I get that it's playing off Lolita, that's the style you're going for, I know, I didn't like it. Things you said in twenty words could have been better said in ten. Yes, the narrator is describing this in the first person, telling us his own feelings, but "I felt X. I said Y." doesn't make for engaging prose. Sensory descriptions that let you infer his mindset are better. The dialogue isn't what I would call good, either; have you tried reading it out loud? It doesn't flow quite right.
That all being said, you've successfully created a somewhat cohesive piece taking after one of your favorite authors. It's a fine start.

[Ricebottle !05nYLrwuNY No.11052554]

>>11051637
Ok Anon. thanks. I will do it again then.