Requesting Constructive Criticism for my novel's concept

[Anonymous No.11033392]

My book series will be, 'Legend of the Zealous Knight' Book 1: Shadow of Norswedane.

In a world that is medieval-esc/Renaissance era and High Fantasy, the Greatest Empire of Christendom is the Pruxian Empire.
Basically France, the Holy Roman Empire, and Poland all rolled into one.

Its a mix of Game of Thrones, Lord of the Rings, and (Not a book I know) Kingdom of Heaven.

The Kingdom of Hawkstien -- one of the five vassal Kingdom's in the Pruxian Empire -- is plagued once more by Norse raiders. As the once mighty Christian Iceland Empire of Norswedane has fallen to decadence, madness, and idolatry to foreign Gods, literal demons and horrors of the Void stalk the cursed frozen wasteland, destroying all good there.

So again, after the heart of Europa has become powerful and formidable, the Norse have risen up again and attacked the Pruxians across the Baltic Sea, returning to the Old Gods and warring to appease them. Evil false Gods to exist in my setting, in addition to many Eldritch Horrors.

Done with these marauders pillaging their mighty Empire, the Kaiser has ordered a Great Invasion of the Nordic North.

And that's the premise of my story.

Its mostly told through Sir Egon 'The Zealous Knight' of House Lafayet, third son of the Duke of Merancia, which is a vassal realm to the Kingdom of Hawkstien.

Hawkstien is located in the most hostile region of the Empire(North East), it is so bad there that the Imperial Court has actually allowed King Benno, a demi-human, bear-blooded to the third degree to reign over a human Kingdom, as much as they rather not suffer the indignity of a Demi-human 'Noble House' ruling over human subjects. King Benno is a seven foot tall War King, he's genuinely decent unlike his Grandfather that had given people a good reason to hate demi-humans.

Do you guys think people might be interested in reading something like this?

Posted art is unrelated.
Twitter: https://twitter.com/MCaballeroZK

[Anonymous No.11033589]

>>11033392
Sweejjr

[Anonymous No.11033641]

Seems like your average fantasy novel. Though with more monsters etc. I feel like even you'd get bored of it. From what I've read there's no.. real reason to feel connected to your character at all. Just some strong dude on a conquest to purge all evil. No actual struggle. But I'm just some anon, do what you want.

[Anonymous No.11033666]

>>11033641
Thank you very much for bothering with my post.
I was just writing the story's general concept.
The actual book won't read like a history book.

[Anonymous No.11033863]

>>11033666
UNHOLY TRIPS. NOW YOU GOTTA WRITE IT.

[Anonymous No.11033878]

>>11033666
Praise the dark lord. Write the novel brother.

[Anonymous No.11033895]

>>11033392
From this is doesn't seem all too special. Reminds me of Warhammer Fantasy a lot. That being said, if you can find your groove, and write interesting characters, and events within this world I say go for it friend.

[Anonymous No.11033913]

Thanks a lot guys.

Also, does the Empire of Norswedane sound extremely lame as a Scandinavian Empire?

[Anonymous No.11033937]

>>11033913
Kinda seems like the kindom we see in Way of Kings - religious and devout that has gotten too involved in decadence. It's fine I guess, but you need to make it stand out more from all the other "totally not Holy Roman Empire we swear" deals.

Also have more than one protagonists if you have this many factions going at it in a larger scale.

[Anonymous No.11034333]

>>11033937
Or perhaps 'Nordic Empire'

[Anonymous No.11034342]

>>11034333
Wrong thread. Sry.

>>11033937
Thanks for feedback

[Anonymous No.11034595]

>>11033392
So...whats new? I mean, why should I read this instead of the other 60ish books with a similar concept? You spent a lot of time trying to make us familiar with the setting, but I asume we are going to see the story from some dudes point of view and not through a magic ball with an all knowing narrator, I think without some compelling character ideas its gonna end up unfocused.

[Anonymous No.11034608]

>>11033392
>Evil false Gods to exist in my setting, in addition to many Eldritch Horrors.
I hope you have some actual reasons for including Eldritch Horrors.

[Anonymous No.11034733]

>>11034608
About as much a reason as Bloodborne did.
It was one of my novel's setting is inspired upon though probably no one will guess that without me telling them that.

The setting has Vampires armies(Which are the evil version of the true Nobility), Necromorph armies (Think Dead Space level zombies) Eldritch Horrors (With Lovecraftian cults but worse, as its not just poorly bred brown people who worship them), Demonic Cults (Distinct from the Eldritch which are more just ancient Dark Gods, Demons are spiritual or meta-physical manifestations, unless they can breed their way into the real world through possessions and rituals) Beastmorph ( Think Warhamer Beastmen meets the Warrens in the Darkest Dungeon game), and other humans (Islamic or Pagan Invasions)

[Anonymous No.11034762]

>>11034733
Unless you're REALLY confident you can pull them all off maybe drop one or two of the dark threats. Demonic cults, and eldritch cults are unnecessary to have together, unless of course you can make them feel genuinely distinct in their own rights.

[Anonymous No.11034779]

>>11034762
My demonic cults are about degeneracy and rebellion of goodness, my Eldritch Cults are different. They're more of a Pagan thing really, and they don't all occupy the same area of the world.

Necromorphs aren't really a thing in the remote Kingdom of Hawkstien, while Beastmorph are, so they serve to make parts of the world more distinct because you wont encounter the same dark powers everywhere.

[Anonymous No.11034802]

>>11034779
Will there be magic, and shit? Or will combat and stuff be more grounded?

[Anonymous No.11034818]

>>11033392
If I could offer a piece of advice, as a fellow fantasy author.

It seems that you have a good premise to me, actually, albeit plagued by a sort of cliché in the setting. Since the Lord of the Rings really, a lot of fantasy has taken place in European and Nordic themes, taking heavy influences from Norse and Gothic mythology. I am not saying to stear clear of this entirely, but what I am saying is very close to that: only do this if you are the best at it. At this point in time, I would advise away from the European view of things unless you actually think you can out write George R R Martin. That being said, that does not change the strength of your story. The plot seems quite good. I am not sure if this is actually the case or just because you couldn't include every detail, but your protagonist seems a bit boring. I would suggest strengthening the character considerably, and figuring out a reason people would read your series when directly compared to things like Game of Thrones before moving on.

[Anonymous No.11034882]

I don't read fantasy often but I write and am only posting to offer words of encouragement. Whatever it is that you choose to do, do it from your heart and stick to your guns. Best of luck!

[Anonymous No.11035005]

>>11033392
>Norswedane

[Anonymous No.11035060]

>>11035005
That bad huh?
What do you think of just 'Scandinavian Empire' then?

'Shadow of the Scandinavian Empire'

[Anonymous No.11035069]

Thanks for all these posts guys.
I'm going to bed now, but I just want to say that I took all this to heart and read every post.

[Anonymous No.11035135]

How's the prose?

[Anonymous No.11035200]

>>11033392
>Its a mix of Game of Thrones, Lord of the Rings, and (Not a book I know) Kingdom of Heaven.

[Anonymous No.11035295]

>>11033392
So, it's a alternate history with monsters? Or an alternate monster reality that Jesus still did the meme in? The title Legend of the Zealous Knight sounds like YA idk if that's what you were going for. Sounds cool though OP templars vs cthulu

[Anonymous No.11035388]

>>11033392
bro, it sounds like an anime
generic as fuck

[Anonymous No.11035398]

>>11035388
It sounds like an alt right autists fiction world
>Eurocentric
>muh degeneracy
>muh pagan gods
>muh foreign pillagers
>Only this young knight from an unknown land in his stepfather terry's house can save europe from the sandniggers and beastmen.

[Anonymous No.11035622]

>>11034733
Bloodborne has its entire story built upon the Lovecraftian elements and the visual impacts make everything fit pretty well. It only seems me that you want to include such elements because they sound cool (I guess that's how most fantasies go today, I almost don't read them so I am not sure).

[Anonymous No.11035788]

>>11035398
>sandniggers
Snowniggers you uncultured swine. Also stop projecting. I'm as leftie as it gets and I love crusade against evil clichés.
I like villains with a purpose, though. Make sure your villains make sense, OP.

[Anonymous No.11036018]

>>11035398
>Fantasy is alt-right
When will the teenagers from /leftypol/ fuck off?

[Anonymous No.11036027]

>>11033392
Sounds extremely cringeworthy

[Anonymous No.11036166]

>>11036027
This picture is cringeworthy

[Anonymous No.11036260]

>>11036166
Correct. *hristi*nity is.

[Anonymous No.11036471]

>>11033392
I understand it's related to the concept or what ever. But Norswedane just doesn't sound to good. Even if unintentionally, it's just, Norway + Sweden, and that jumps out to much in my opinion. You could swap "Legend" with "Trials" or something similar (depends on what kind of character journey you want to write about), or even make it just the "The Zealous Knight". I don;t know what kind of story it would follow, but your concept seems uninspired and overly ambitions in scope as the fantasy and Medieval politics would be difficult to show in a single book. One of them would have to be the backdrop for the world and the other more focused with the protagonist. Maybe he fights these monsters because of politics, maybe the politics are fueled by monsters.Both would be too overwhelming for the reader and the writer turning the book into an information dump every time something is mentioned, since fantasy concepts require more detail to produce a clear image. Hope this was not overly critical, I hope your story turns out well.

[Anonymous No.11036710]

>>11036166
You're right. *christi*nity is.

[Anonymous No.11036866]

I might as well post mine here instead of making a new thread.

Basic synopsis, this theocracy is centered on a volcano in the southwest of the country. The region directly north of the nation is covered in hyperaggressive jungle--think kudzu with a vengeance--and the people have taken to digging a big trench from the volcano every year to send some lava north to burn away the jungle. And, this is just occurring to me now, maybe this fertilizes the soil and makes the area good farmland. Anyway, this is both a practical tradition as well as one steeped in religious overtones, and is made more difficult by the fact that the lava, which is silver, has the magical effect of making anyone too close feel a powerful urge to jump in. People with enough willpower can resist this however, and so it's also become a tradition to test anyone who shows up to the event, and if they can dip a single finger into the lava without killing themselves, to induct them into the clerical/administrative caste.

The story follows two peasant brothers as they leave the farm they work on to take part in this ritual, and the conflict that arises when the younger brother makes the cut and the older doesn't. Eventually it'll end with the older brother attempting to prove himself without anyone holding him back for safety and throwing himself in.

Right now I'm still in the opening of the story, and have them scheming to steal a pack animal from their landlord. I'm trying to decide if they should fail and use it for character exposition or have them succeed and be mistrusted for it (being obvious peasants owning something above their station) /pursued by authorities on their journey.

[Anonymous No.11036922]

>>11036866
Seems a lot more original and interesting compared to OP's Chinese GoT rip off. Having the main characters steal something would not make them seem more likable to the reader, and having them succeed doesn't serve much purpose, Having them fail would allow for a more organic portrayal of their characters to the reader and it sets them up as more relatable through their flaws. Perhaps them failing at this scheme give them experience that helps them succeed at something more important.

[Anonymous No.11036948]

>>11036922
Or maybe the younger brother ends up putting his foot down. I have to actually show him as being the more willful of the two for the story to make any sense, after all.

[Anonymous No.11036982]

>>11036948
The older brother could be more mischievous of the two, and the younger reluctantly follows his lead, they fail and are caught. The younger brother tries to take the fall for his brother in front of the lord, but the lord knows he wasn't responsible and they are both forgiven. It could link to why he was chosen later on, setting him up as a moral character who develops from being his brother tag along to someone more admirable.

[Anonymous No.11037039]

>>11036982
This is a good idea. Thanks!

[Anonymous No.11037161]

>>11033392
making niche fetish items for other fetishists in your little murmur chamber

[Anonymous No.11038001]

>>11036018
Not all fantasy does what he is doing.

[Anonymous No.11039311]

Thanks for all the posts guys, OP witnessed.

>>11034802

A bit more grounded.
Though Sir Egon 'The Zealous Knight' of House Lafayet has an affinity to arcane lightning (its not actually electricity as we know it, as magic comes from another dimension) he only uses it in certain situations to roast a small handful of baddies when in a tight spot because swordsmanship and horsemanship is more effective on the battlefield.

Magic in my world is a bit more passive.
The greatest effect it has had on the world is in Alchemy and Enchantment.
Alchemist have figured out how to transmute iron into a titanium alloy, in which they use to equip their Empire's army with.
The word 'steel' is never used to define their equipment, replaced with terms such as 'Armor metal' 'weapon metal' or 'gun metal' as different alchemically created metals are used instead dependent on their intended purpose.

And on top of titanium alloy armor and weapons, there's enchantments offering another boost to equipment, that again, is mostly passive. With premium enchantments, when Knightly armor is struck with cheep arrows, the magical backlash might even blast the missile apart into tiny fragments of splintered wood and metal.

[Anonymous No.11039670]

>>11036471
Yeah, I think I'm changing it to 'Nordic Empire' thanks for feedback

[Anonymous No.11039695]

>>11039311
Since it comes from another dimension you could make it sort of dangerous to use. Like when he uses the lightning he can't necessarily control what it flies toward, making it potentially dangerous for him or his allies. Just a thought to help enforce the tight situation thing.

[Anonymous No.11039786]

>>11039695
This is a thing in my story, while its not a 'random 1-2 percent chance of hurting yourself type thing', it can happen in certain situations, and Witch Hunters are actually trained on how to make their prey fail at casting and injure themselves. These specialist use certain types of magic to do this in addition to holy/ anti-evil(Witch Bane) items.

[Anonymous No.11039931]

>>11035060
Nordland or something is better than norswedane.