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/lit/ - Literature

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10646983 No.10646983 [Reply] [Original]

I wrote this trash heap. Please give me all your hatred.

Burn it all fucking down
sweep away the ashes and
christen your earthen crown!
Cut the branches from the gnarled tree
to start a fire and set us free!

Immolation! Desolation!
Replant the seeds on sacred grounds
to purify the corruption that surrounds!

When the Court Jester is in power
How's the tree supposed to flower?
Rampant commercialism, planned obsolescence!
Only in its death can we know convalescence!
When enough is never enough
when we're feeding like animals from the trough!
This isn't the way things were meant to be!
Take your Jesus and take your greed
and shove them up your ass for all to see!
what kind of monster eats its progeny?


Immolation! Desolation!
Replant the seed on sacred grounds
to purify the corruption that surrounds!

String them up in public squares
divide them up by their number of shares
leave them with a penny to pay their fares
as you all look on with somber stares
woe to the lender and woe to the shark
their future so brief and stark
strip your mother, strip her bare
test her patience, if you dare
I pray thee perform'd thy last rites
before she destroys her parasites...

Immolation! Reconciliation!
The tree is now on sacred ground!
Never again shall corruption surround!

>> No.10647620

>>10646983
way too many abstractions, anon. if (you) want to get to the root of what youre attempting to mean then use concrete nouns in such a way that the spirit (you) want to convey is unmistakable. otherwise this reads like a bad sermon and a false prophesy.

>> No.10647865

>>10646983
Who are your influences?
>inb4 meh, haven't got any

>> No.10647869

>>10646983
Gay commie shit

>> No.10647876

Also

>implying Christ isn't the answer to modernity's woes

>> No.10648394

>>10647869
>>10647876

Don't start your bullshit in my thread, thanks. It's allegorical. It also tells me you're incapable of reading into things, as it's a statement on how out of touch Christians are with the will of Christ, not that I even believe in it.

>>10647620
Appreciate the feedback. I intended for it to be obfuscated. I wanted it to be difficult to understand what it actually means (and no, it has nothing to do with communism to the moron above) through creative language... Though, isn't that somewhat the point?

>>10647865
Influences? Probably a lot of black/death metal bands, Poe and other dark works of fiction. I haven't really thought about it before, honestly. I just decided I wanted to write poetry one day, and so it began.

>> No.10648841

Welp. Three posts who thought it was ass, no other replies because it's ass.

Time to hang it up. Dreams destroyed.

>> No.10648899

>>10648394
I understood your poem. It's a lamentation against the state of modern capitalist societies. Youre not wrong to have these feeling, what I'm trying to say is that more materialism (Marxism) isn't going to solve the alienation felt by people in our society. The only solution is Christ, my dude.

>> No.10648910

>>10648899

I'm sorry if you picked up that I'm intending that Marxism is the answer to anything, that wasn't the intention. It's a statement on how we need to clean house on our government (hence "cut the branches of the gnarled tree/to start a fire and set us free" which I think is pretty obvious). I never suggested Marxism was the answer to anything, people keep inferring that because they're fucking obsessed with the capitalism vs communism dichotomy. Capitalism is fine, it just needs some changes.

If anything it has some serious environmentalist/nature worship themes which nobody seems to have picked up on, or is mistaking for communism... Not really sure.

>> No.10648977

I guess, undeterred, I shall continue to spread my filth. To all you guys who think this is pinko shit, here's a little something I wrote about Clinton not long ago.


I have a few questions Mrs. Secretary
if you wouldn't mind not making me secondary
why do you do it? End so many lives?
Conniving manipulation, extortion and lies
how would you feel if it's your daughter who dies?
Skeletons in the closet, guilt in the head
Remember Benghazi? I do you selfish inbred
how do you sleep knowing how many are dead?
No wonder your old man in office got head
the thought of you naked fills me with dread
I'm trying to understand how you manage a smile
when really you should be in court standing trial
I'm glad I never met someone else so vile
I'd like to stay away by at least a good mile
wouldn't want to commit suicide by lead
three gunshots to the back of the head
using your nonprofit for profit instead
but I'll stop cause I'm on ground I'd rather not tread
Wonder when the Reaper will visit you in bed?
To take your soul and rip it to shreds

>> No.10649298

Yeah this stuff isn't *too* great.

With poem A,
(a) the metaphor of a tree being regenrated through controlled fites just isn't very interesting or strong.
(b) its very preachy, sermony as one anon said, to fix this (if you are attacking the status quo) I would personally suggest more of a satiric humourous approach -- otherwise it appears unsophisticated, lets be clear you are pointing out the obvious
c) stylistically this poem is very shambolic. phrases like "earthen crown" are sort of romantic and are totally stylistically off with other parts of the poem -- maybe partly this is because of the AA rhyme scheme which forces you to choose strategic words which don't really mix well. if you insist on rhyming, I would personally suggest a different rhyme scheme like ABAB at least

poem B --
I mean the subject matter on this one is a little ridiculous, but that aside
a) it reads like an edgy/angry rap by a disenfranchised teenagee who thinks he is beyond the level of understanding of the average unnuanced sheeplet -- I can't fault you terribly here, it actually reads alot like what I wrote when I was 15
b) again hampered by the aaaa rhyme scheme

here are my suggestions:
1. read more widely, including poetry, and read difficult poets, really try and decipher what they are saying (check out Wallace Stevens, an American poet who is quite difficult but will show you what poetry can be) -- also, metal bands are not known for their literary prowess, try not to use them too heavily as inspiration
2. try and experiment with the form, the poem is a versatile beast because it is by nature shorter than a novel and has different aims

>> No.10649319

>>10648841
>>10646983
how are you pronouncing 'trough'?

>> No.10649322

bomb america

>> No.10649333

>>10646983
Isn’t this a song by Metallica?

>> No.10649818

>>10648394
>I just decided I wanted to write poetry one day, and so it began.
So you don't read poetry, but you think you can write it. That explains a lot.

>> No.10649824

>>10648899
Holy shit, Christfags are getting worse than vegans. Is it desperation?

>> No.10649854

>>10646983
>>10648977
my advice is try to publish the shit you wrote and don't be surprised to get rejected (but try it anyway because you never know) and then try to listen to other people's criticisms regardless of the outcome and turn into a better writer.

I've read your two poems. I'm curious how you would write in a different rhyming scheme. If you like AA rhymes for the whole length of the poem do you man, but I personally would not want to see a collection which was just that scheme.

Also "wouldn't want to commit suicide by lead
three gunshots to the back of the head" I find these lines to be particularly strange in your poem.

I think the first poem was better. I do like the tree metaphor/imagery but I don't have an affinity for the rest of the imagery. Anyway I think you have potential but I think you should read and practice more. I hope this helps.

>> No.10650535

>>10649818

Let's see yours?

>> No.10650558

>>10649333

no

>>10649854

These are just two of the poems I've wrote, but since nobody seems to actually enjoy them (I was warned this board is a cesspit of literary-critic wannabes) I don't think I'll bother with the rest. For all the shit I'm getting (and I did ask for hate, though I intended for it to at least be constructive like yours was) I doubt precious few of you could actually write poetry yourselves.

As to the lines you find strange, it's a reference to how so many of Clinton's detractors or individuals who could testify against her conveniently end up committing suicide by shooting themselves in the back of the head.

>>10649322

Let me know how that works out for you

>>10649818

You're a regular Simon Cowell aren't you? Again, let us see some of yours? I'm curious to see how deep, meaningful and complex your poetry is. PS--You don't need to actually know a lot about poetry to write it. :)

>> No.10650673

>>10650558
you should read renzo novatore's poetry

>> No.10650818

>>10650558
>Comes to a place full of pseudo-intellectual manchildren, fully knowing what he’s getting into
>Gets shit for his shitty poems
>Gets offended

Shouldn’t have come here, friend. Are you gonna ask me to post mine poems now?

Also,
>You don’t have to know anything about poetry to write it
Aren’t you a special little snowflake :^)

>> No.10650973
File: 680 KB, 600x542, retard_1.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
10650973

>>10650558
>You don't need to actually know a lot about poetry to write it.

>> No.10650990

>>10646983
I stopped reading after the first verse because I realized it's complete shit.

>> No.10650999

>>10650535
not him, just like this is not an argument.

>> No.10651005

>>10648910
>capitalism
>nature worship
your writing is awful and you should be thrown into a pit of fire for boring me

>> No.10651006

>>10649824
>one short sentence about Christ
>hurr durr you're worse than my conception of people that I got based on a reddit meme

>> No.10651021

If you don't spend time reading poetry and spend time dissecting it and listening to other people's opinions on it you will never write anything remotely good. Metal lyrics don't count. This is just teenage laziness.

You don't have to do anything differently. You can do literally anything you want for as long as you want. But people will keep laughing at your shit until you do. So if you want people to actually give you praise you need to work smarter and put time into listening (and way less time on /pol/). No other art form is best exhibited by people who know nothing about it, so why would poetry be?

And Benghazi, seriously? Grow up.

>> No.10651024

>>10646983
You have to be 18+ to post here.

>> No.10651328

>>10646983
Would make a pretty good heavy metal song desu

>> No.10651361

>>10651328
Forget it OP your thread is done

>> No.10651382

>>10651328

That was the point. Thank you. :)

>>10651024

Guess you and half of these posters should probably leave then huh? I mean honestly this place seems to exist solely for a bunch of bitter English majors who are mad at the world that their degree is mostly worthless recycled paper that nobody gives a shit about, particularly employers. :^)

>>10651005

Super cool story f a m. I'm sure you felt so lit writing that up hoping for more (Yous) than just me.

>>10650999

It's a perfect argument. It's very easy to criticize, not so easy to put your money where your mouth is. For those of you who have no CONSTRUCTIVE hatred to offer, go ahead and sac up, show us some of this deep meaningful poetry you've written.

Or could it be that this place actually is completely anti-intellectual? Nobody has actually figured out what it actually means, even after I explained bits of it.

This board is kind of pathetic to be honest. All bark and no bite.

>> No.10651412

>>10651021

>Spend less time on /pol/

I don't go to /pol/? I absolutely cannot stand the human desire to attach labels to others, and I doubly cannot stand when assumptions are made about my political stance, religious beliefs, etc. Fuck off with that shit, thanks.

All told, I've seen shittier lyrics become award winning songs so I'm happy with myself. Constructive criticism has been taken into account, like the anon who suggested my style is too one-dimensional (I actually have written other forms of poetry. I enjoy writing it because it stimulates my creative centers. You don't like my poetry that's fine, but people who come in just to say HAHA UR SHIT SUX KILL URSELF and other variations can go straight up shit creek without a paddle.

>> No.10651689

>>10651021
>And Benghazi, seriously? Grow up.

>Implying Benghazi wasn't a huge Clinton scandal
>Implying caring about these things is childish

>> No.10651741

>>10651382
Boy you are butt devastated.

You write shit. Get the fuck out, famiglia.

>> No.10651754

>>10651741

Nah I'm not, and I don't think I'll go anywhere you bitter virgin.

>> No.10651755
File: 14 KB, 211x239, image.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
10651755

>>10646983
>Please give me all your hatred
>”ur shit lol”
>Gets offended

>> No.10651759

>>10651755

I intended for it to be constructive criticism, you know since this is supposed to be the intellectual board. So far, I'm not really seeing it out of more than a handful of you. No thoughtful responses at all. Just tasteless insults. I'm not really surprised.

>> No.10651763

>>10651759
>I wrote this trash heap. Please give me all your hatred.
>I just wanted constructive criticism.

Sure thing, senpai.

>> No.10651807

>>10646983
Shadow the Hedgehog-tier edge. Fedoras and katana memes abound. I can almost smell the fresh black nail polish smudging your keyboard from this crude attempt. Good news is you still have a long life ahead of you as a middle class 15 year old suburban kid so there is ample time to improve.

>> No.10651812

>>10651807

At least this one took some time.

>> No.10651814

Hoopy doopy
OP is loopy
Fucked in the head, got bent over his fathers bed
Hoopy Doopy
OP is poopy

>> No.10651822

>>10646983
Why is poetry so pretentious?

>> No.10651865

>>10651822

Why is this board so pretentious?

>> No.10651875

>>10651865
Poetry feels like pooping

>> No.10651879

>>10651822
Why do you think it's pretentious?

>> No.10651927

>>10651879
Unfortunately I have no idea. I just absolutely hate the way it's written and the emotionally unstable people who write it.

>> No.10651946

>>10651927
>I have unexplainable hatred
>others are emotionnaly unstable
get help

>> No.10651954

>>10651946
It's still pretentious

>> No.10651960

>>10651814

Now this is some deep, meaningful poetry. Let's dig in to this tasty nugget! The first line, hoopy doopy! Ah hoopy doopy! How charming and with a powerful hidden meaning behind it! Hoopy doopy is obviously an obscure reference to the cult film Man Dancing On Fire (1988)
Now on to the second line, OP is loopy! Oh indeed! This line is also very deep as it is referencing OP's worsening mental condition as his life progresses while softening the blow by proclaiming it in a gentle, childish way. Truly brilliant!
To the next line! Ah! A secondary exposition a bit more anger driven than the first, perhaps to really drive the point home that OP is suffering from some very serious psychotic issues and follows up with a very somber, if disgusting, view into the true source of OP's madness. Very well done!
Hoopy Doopy is repeated a second time, perhaps because the protagonist of Man Dancing On Fire (1988) was brutally raped rectally by his step-father Johann. Personally, I think this repetition is key to the next line, "OP is poopy" which serves to indicate that OP was violently killed, pulled apart and eaten by a pack of wild hyenas whilst fishing for (Yous).
All in all, this is a very deep, symbolic work of art which should be placed in every poem compilation printed from this day forward.

>> No.10651967

>>10651954
you are desu

>> No.10652001

>>10651875

but anon... pooping feels good. So you're saying that poetry feels good?

>> No.10652142

>>10651412
>I've seen shittier lyrics become award winning songs
Award-winning *songs*, not award-winning lyrics. Any artists that have ever won awards for lyrics (Bob Dylan) are huge poetry-readers.

>> No.10652152

You are trying way too hard to rhyme.

>> No.10652166

>>10646983
Read some Derek Walcot

>> No.10652178

>>10651689
>>Implying Benghazi wasn't a huge Clinton scandal
It literally wasn't. Literally nothing came ouf ot eight investigations. Gowdy's report just said "It would've been prevented if they had more resources and protection" which is something you could say literally any time anybody dies anywhere

>> No.10652354

>>10652178

Okay bootlicker.

PS. I'll be taking these recommendations into consideration, thanks for them.

>> No.10652367

>>10652152

I actually wasn't trying that hard at all but eh... Okay sure.