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/lit/ - Literature

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10552578 No.10552578 [Reply] [Original]

Write a single sentence worth reading. Don't go thinking you're hot shit and believing people need additional sentences to understand your special snowflake context; everybody gets one you faggot. If it's good, you may post freely. If not, you are banished to permanent lurking. Let's see what you've got, lads.

>> No.10552587

hol up hol up; we dem boyz.

>> No.10552590

>>10552578
Do you know de wey? I will sho you de wey

>> No.10552597

>>10552578
Truth is more real than fact.

>> No.10552618

>>10552578
Even though I’ve never met you, I feel like I know you intimately.

>> No.10552643

Professor Wordsworth could not believe what he saw - no punctuation an utter disregard for metre rhythm rhyme and reason no consistensy no theme message or plot heck the grammer was greatschool awful word joyce and what was there was assinine - still he was in a mischievous mood and soon his term would be over and so he gave it a B+.

>> No.10552652

I like cats.

>> No.10552666

>>10552587
this nigga makin' noise
>>10552590
>two sentences
>>10552597
garbage
>>10552618
fuck I hope this wasn't genuine

>> No.10552678

>>10552643

oh all right, it made me laugh

here have your damned (you)

>> No.10552681

>>10552666
A question mark doesn't necessarily mean the end of a sentence.

>> No.10552689

>>10552681
What the fuck. What the hell is a sentence then

>> No.10552692

>>10552681
Yes it does anon. "?", "!", and "." all end sentences

>> No.10552695
File: 774 KB, 1194x895, 20180117_224041.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
10552695

>>10552587
>>10552590
>>10552643
>>10552618
>>10552652
Step it up. This is shit.

>> No.10552700

>>10552695
That was two sentences, smart one.

>> No.10552706

>>10552681
kek welcome to /lit/

>> No.10552711

I have never had sex.

>> No.10552714

I was raised under the protective auspices, so to speak, of the Christian church.

>> No.10552722

>>10552689
>>10552692
>>10552706
You're showing your autodidact
Question marks do not necessarily end a sentence, nor do exclamation points. Sorry! but it isn't even a new thing.

>> No.10552723

>>10552714
so like what about your priest then?

>> No.10552724

大きい外人のペニスはダメですわ

>> No.10552726

I feel empty

>> No.10552731

>>10552578
Writing single, isolated sentences is actually pretty much the only writing I ever do. Here's one.

>The problem is that the Soul doesn't want to be killed or even stifled, while the Mind couldn't care less what you do to it.

>> No.10552733

>>10552722
WHAT IS A SENTENCE THEN
What even are they

>> No.10552735

>>10552722
Damn. Btfo

>> No.10552743

>>10552723
Well, I did not like the school-like atmosphere of the confirmation classes. More importantly, however, I could not swallow what I was being taught. To your question, I asked the minister, at one point, how he reconciled the story of Genesis with the creation theories of modern science. He had not undertaken such a reconciliation; furthermore, he seemed more convinced, in his heart, of the evolutionary viewpoint. That minister was the closest I ever got to a priest.

>> No.10552744

>>10552578
Who made you the sole arbiter of sentence structure, shitlord?

>> No.10552752

>>10552722
>Do you know de wey?
Is this not a question? I'd bet good money that is a question.

>"?", "!", and "." all end sentences
When was it ever stated that question marks, exclamation marks, or periods are used ONLY to end sentences?

You'll find that was never stated, so your cheeky "Sorry!" checks out and the claim that a question mark ends a sentences—not limited to ending sentences only— checks out as well.

So, where are you going with this? Are you trying to show that you can't read?

>> No.10552755

>>10552722
Indeed, it's actually a very old-fashioned thing, mostly found in 18th and 19th century writing.

>> No.10552760

>>10552578
Twisting around my body screamed in disdain an ostensible act of decorum for the strangers walking behind me.

>> No.10552762

>>10552733
>a set of words that is complete in itself, typically containing a subject and predicate, conveying a statement, question, exclamation, or command, and consisting of a main clause and sometimes one or more subordinate clauses.
>conveying a question, exclamation, or command
We use question marks and exclamation marks to end a sentence most often, but they can also be contained within a sentence in some cases, though this is not accepted in academia.
>>10552752
>butthurt autodidacuck

>> No.10552778

>>10552578
‘Tis shallow of a wound and so shalt be’eth thine grave.

>> No.10552779

>>10552762
>butthurt autodidacuck
>don't say anything relevant
>can't refute
>must call him a KEK

>> No.10552786

>>10552762
IS ANY SENTENCE TRULY COMPLETE UNTO ITSELF THOUGH SURELY THE PROPER HEGELIAN READING OF THIS LOGIC IS THAT ALL OF LANGUAGE IS MERELY ONE SENTENCE

>> No.10552804

>>10552779
I did refute. boku no google it audodidacuck

>> No.10552807

Here I stand, naked and hesitant, feeling the eyes of strangers moving impersonally over my contours, assessing me, judging whether I am a sentence worthy of praise.

>> No.10552810

Postured inquisition begets stilted response and deliberately obtuse off the cuff remarks presuming one's own ineptitude, while demonstrating a nonchalant wit through brevity, both of which exhibit a dire symptom of rampant self-doubt plaguing our culture as self-affirmation runs scarce among the youth.

>> No.10552813

>>10552807
>Here I stand

10/10, don't even need to read the rest

>> No.10552827

>>10552807

Best so far.

>> No.10552866

When the deep was without form and empty God filled it with a hot load, and that is the Milky Way, and Mother Earth is pregnant for the third time -- Amen!

>> No.10552871

The most defining feature of a circle is it's radius.

>> No.10552884

>>10552871
You're lying to yourself if you don't think it'd be π.

>> No.10552901

The old widower grasped the warm, soft hand that had held him tenderly for so many years, and died quietly in an empty house.

>> No.10552912

>>10552695
no i like shit

She wishes she could become an image and feel herself pass through the machine, reconstituted into what could only be known by its pointer which would flow like liquid through the golden streets of a metropolitan circuit-board; it was a profoundly debilitating experience to see another person on the street and never be able to get closer, far closer than your muscular-skeletal system would allow for and it seemed that bytes did not have this problem.

>> No.10552919

Have we met before?

>> No.10552946

"How about this-" she says, her blue fingernail tracing the words, "'Many a great mind has been ruined by the pursuit of perfection', what a load of shit,"

>> No.10552966

>>10552901
lol gay

>> No.10552976

>>10552731
I personally would switch Mind and Soul, but I am interested as to why you phrased it the way you did

>> No.10552981

>>10552966
Thx haha XD

>> No.10553005

this sentence is a bit confusing to me. i'd rephrase it like this:
>Her blue fingernail traced the words, "How about this: ''many a great mind has been ruined by the pursuit of perfection.''" Her finger stopped. "What a load of shit."

>> No.10553006

Also, I have a fixation on the following structure when I want a moment to be dramatic and I becoming a little too reliant on it, anybody have any input on how to do something similar?

"[dialogue]" [person] [verb] [pertinent trait of person speaking], "[pithy thing that subverts or clarifies {[dialogue}]".

[Detail of the space this happens in]

>> No.10553011

>>10553005
i thought the extra apostrophes were supposed to italicize it, sorry

>> No.10553018

The appropriate thing to do, being who i am and living the life that i live, is to purposefully accelerate my descent into madness.

>> No.10553025

>>10553011

Given the ability to, I would have both italicized the phrase and left the apostrophes.

>> No.10553036

>>10553018
maybe it's just because i hate commas but i would switch the part before the first comma with the part between the two commas like so:
>Being who I am and living the life that I live the appropriate thing to do would be purposefully accelerating my descent into madness.

>> No.10553041

I've stopped fantasising about sex with the girls in my class, now I just think about how their clothes fit their bodies.

>>10552807
I like this one

>> No.10553048
File: 650 KB, 350x204, 1509649501152.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
10553048

>>10552731
Please refrain from posting your cringy metaphysical meanderings anywhere on the internet. Saying shit like this is not "deep," rather it only highlights your lack of creativity and effort. In what situation would a character have the same thought as you? Who are they? What are they feeling? Develop a story and try to convey all this in a single scene. Now, narrow it down to a single sentence to tell us what is most important about this character.

>> No.10553050

>>10552976
I was just thinking about how often I reject the voice of reason in favor of some impulsive passion

>> No.10553057

Take heed comrades; turkey bag woman fears donkey meat.

>> No.10553061

>>10552807

The only word I don't like in this sentence is "contours". I am absolutely quibbling and this is a strong sentence. Nice.

>> No.10553063

Formerly, the idea of each person dying the same death was digested by all of humanity without the merest skepticism, but now our civilization has advanced far enough that we can finally leave behind regular death and look beyond to its marvelous replacement: namely, luxury death.

>> No.10553065

>>10552807
Sick post

>> No.10553069

Through subtle nuance, groundbreaking animation, and a timeless story that will be remembered for generations to come, ratatouille has easily solidified it's title as the single greatest film on the 21st century.

>> No.10553079

>>10552901

It's okay but the punch is ruined by the fact that you disclose windower in the beginning.

"In an empty house, the warm, soft hand that had held him tenderly for so many years took his, and the old widower died."

>> No.10553081

>>10553041
i actually really like this sentence. it gives a really good impression of the narrator's character. i know it's against the rules of thread, but i would split it with a semicolon after "my class" like this:
>I've stopped fantasizing about sex with the girls in my class; now I just think about how their clothes fit their bodies.

>> No.10553084

>>10553018
Reads like bad Edgar Allan Poe. "You're not going to believe how rational my madness sounds! Hahaha!" [thunderclap]

>>10552912
there's a good idea here somewhere but your syntax and diction (especially your vague use of pronouns) makes it difficult to see exactly what you mean

>>10552866
the only interesting part of this is what you stole from funkadelic

>>10552810
ugh

>>10552807
bretty good

>> No.10553085

>>10553063
"A tour de force of a cautionary tale"

>> No.10553095

>>10553041
>I've stopped fantasising about sex with the girls in my class, now I just think about how their clothes fit their bodies
This really is the patrician mode of being. walking down the sidewalk on a summer afternoon is nearly pornographic

>> No.10553106

>>10553063

A little overextended for what you want to do. I would ditch "formerly" entirely. You don't need it. "But now" does it's job. "Merest" is junk. "Without skepticism" is fine.

In all, way too many embellishments.

"The idea of each person dying the same death was digested by all humanity without skepticism, but now civilization has advanced far enough to leave behind regular death and look beyond to its marvelous replacement: luxury death"

Trust your readers and use your adjectives where they'll be most effective.

>> No.10553107

I've known them for over five years yet I have never seen their face.

>> No.10553117

>>10553107
>internet """friends"""
Just wait until they log off forever and you never find out why.
>Last online 1537 days ago

>> No.10553120

Curling under the covers, he reached for a mass of warmth that was not there, strained to hear the absent sound of soft breath, tearing open an old wound to see that face in the scar and taste those lips in the fresh blood.

>> No.10553132

>>10552807
erotic

>> No.10553133

>>10552578
Even submitting a single sentence to that heaving mess of jealous eyes seemed like a personal betrayal; they watched always, waiting to rain scorn upon any teetering fumbles from below, and snatch up any wisdom from above, always, always to feed their own pretender's glow.

>> No.10553135

>>10552578
Hh hh hh hhh hh hh, hhhh hh hhh hhhhhhhh.

>> No.10553138

>>10553133
You're this guy >>10552807 but worse, because where they show some vulnerability and heart, you make yourself sound like some long-suffering genius victimized by a bunch of know-nothing assholes. It's never fun to read someone who thinks too highly of themselves.

>> No.10553140

>>10553120

I guess I'm just from a different school than you guys are.

I feel like if you're going to start with present tense you should stick with it. There's nothing wrong with the present tense.

"Curling under the covers, he reaches for warmth that is not there, strains to hear the sound of soft breath, tears open an old wound to see that face in the scar and taste those lips in the fresh blood."

>> No.10553144

>>10552578
Here I stand, naked and hesitant, feeling the eyes of strangers moving impersonally over my contours, assessing me, judging whether I am a sentence worthy of praise.

>> No.10553152
File: 14 KB, 313x470, images (1).jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
10553152

>>10553138
Ironic.

>> No.10553154

There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.

>> No.10553157

>>10553140
Thanks, I like your version better. I'm just unaccustomed to writing in present tense, so it's not something that would normally cross my mind.

>> No.10553159

The death of God is not the discrete interment of an old man buried beneath a headstone, but the squashing of a pregnant spider whose babies scatter to every corner of your bedroom.

>> No.10553165

>>10553154
best in thread. legitimately profound

>> No.10553166

>>10553159
Fucking awesome.

>> No.10553174

>>10553157

I love writing in the present tense. I definitely think more people should write in the present tense. Do a little experimentation and find out what works for you best but definitely compare ideas like:

"I made a sandwich and went to work"

to

"I make a sandwich and go to work"

The tone, the energy, everything is different. It's just another tool to use to be interesting. Good luck, anon.

>> No.10553181

>>10553154
Holy shit. That's a really good one.

>> No.10553183

>>10553154

Other than the semicolon, this is muscular as fuck.

>> No.10553200

One wonders what one wondered when their woes were want to wane and then one works to withstand wading from their woebegotten, unwise view.

>> No.10553211

>>10553200
If you set out to write a tongue-twister, you succeeded.

>> No.10553212

>>10553159

I love this sentence. It's like a butcher's knife. But we're in brutal sentence critique so I must say

"The death of God is not the burial of an old man beneath a head stone but..."

Everything after the comma comes hard to the table and I love it. In fact my criticism is because I want to get there faster. Also, interment and burial are slightly different, but again we're in brutal thread.

Well done.

>> No.10553228

"Oh, my God!" cried Kimberly as
Tortura sent the whip into her cunt.

>> No.10553236

>>10553228
"I am your God now," exulted Tortura's mammoth cock.

>> No.10553237

Plagiarism is a scurge; alas a side effect of a free world of information.

>> No.10553239 [DELETED] 

I don't know when it began, or if it had always been this way from the start.

>> No.10553244

>>10553048
My Mind says this is good advice, but my Soul says fuck off fag

>> No.10553245

>>10553237
incorrect semicolon usage

>> No.10553248

>>10553237
You wrote that? LOL wow you are not only retarded, but you are also dumb as shit.

>> No.10553253

>>10553237
Retard

>> No.10553257

"One could imagine a universe without niggers," he said, drooping his gaze to the floor, "but then we would not have the word nigger."

>> No.10553265

>>10553257
kek

>> No.10553267

>>10553248
>you are not only retarded, but you are also dumb as shit.
holy...

>> No.10553297

Motionless, I stare out the window, watching the rain drown out the unrelenting stillness, and every breath that I take.

>> No.10553314

>>10552578
Most of the beautiful things have already been said, so all these beautiful things I wish to say will remain inside my head.

>> No.10553324

"Why did you go up there to die?" "I didn't--I went up there to live"

>> No.10553326

Just as surely the sun is rescued from the ocean i shall rescue you

>> No.10553331

>>10553297
Good, but the end of the sentence leaves me with a feeling of unresolved tension, because "and every breath that I take" feels like the start of a new phrase that just stops.
>>10553314
There must be a lot of empty space to fit them.
>>10553324
Two sentences. Imprisoned for /lit/ crimes, to the gulag with you.

>> No.10553336

>>10553331
>There must be a lot of empty space to fit them
Don't see any legitimate critique there

>> No.10553339

Not so often do you open your eyes and find the world a little more dead than you remembered.

>> No.10553346

>>10553339
really like this

>> No.10553349

>>10553257

Ha!

>>10553297

Come on, man. "Unrelenting stillness" is just barf. How can we imply motionlessness?

"Out the window, the rain drowns out every breath I take"

Even that is too dramatic but it's way less.

>>10553314

Not bad. The rhyme I think comes off as a little cheap but the sentiment is nice.

>>10553324
IT'S TECHNICALLY TWO SENTENCES.

No, just kidding.

"I didn't go up there to die, I went up there to live" says the same thing and it's just as bland and well-trod and overwrought.

>>10553326

I don't care for this either. It reads to me too much like a Jack Sparrow line from a Pirates movie I haven't seen. I just don't think it's a strong metaphor. It's tired- sun, ocean, I don't know. Certainly there is a more powerful, more novel way to convey rescue?

>> No.10553352

>>10553339
i like it, but i feel like the "not so often" kind of ruins it. i think it's more powerful phrased like this:
>Do you ever open your eyes and find the world a little more dead than you remembered?
or
>Every time you open your eyes you find the world a little more dead than you remembered
but then again idk the context

>> No.10553356

>>10553339
>Not so often do you open your eyes and find the world a little more alive than you remembered.
fix'd

>> No.10553365

He is the one who has achieved so much, the one who wasn't stranger to a happy moment, the one who knew true love and friendship, the one and same with me and there is no denying, yet in this world of ashen color I can't convince myself no longer that it was not but a comforting dream.

>> No.10553369

>>10553349
i chose the sun and the ocean because the implication is that the sun is 'rescued' from the ocean every day when it rises above the sea's horizon, and that nothing is more guaranteed, i.e. its supposed to signify the strength of the promise 'i will rescue you' maybe it was too implicit and abstract? or did you understand the metaphor and still found it boring?

>> No.10553373

>>10553365
too long buddy. if you make it that long it needs to be tight, right now its kind of a loose disjointed string of references and metaphors, i cant pin concrete meaning onto it

>> No.10553374

>>10553369
It was really good, could've used a comma before the I though

>> No.10553376

>>10553373
>if you make it that long it needs to be tight

>> No.10553379

>>10552578
I write mostly to get the screaming out of my head, it's not worth reading.

>> No.10553394

>>10553041
>comma splice

>> No.10553395

>>10553379
Just kill yourself

>> No.10553399

Stirring shit like coffee, sipping as I leaned back in my chair, I grinned through murky brown teeth.

>> No.10553420

I've always found loose sweatpants to be the most attractive thing a girl can wear; not because of what they show, but what they don't show.

>> No.10553436

>>10552578
He who accepts that he is nothing has the ability to become anything.

>> No.10553443
File: 14 KB, 528x530, jusd.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
10553443

>>10553117
i know this feel

>> No.10553451

>>10552578
i hate gays

>> No.10553463

>>10553436
sounds like a plagiarised sentence from buddha or socrates, not that great

>> No.10553465

And finally, in the heave of green lights and spires of brass, one could stand in the belfry and hush.

>> No.10553467

Every person has a light inside them, guiding them through dark times, except you and me, our sockets were empty from the start

>> No.10553470

Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!).

>> No.10553476

>>10553467
you and me sounds out of place since the rest of the sentence sounds formal, I prefer you and I

>> No.10553480

>>10553476
O fuck youre right

>> No.10553513

Her life, Her thoughts, Her experiences couldn't fit in one sentence, but that's all they gave Her: tits or gtfo.

>> No.10553551

My life drifts by like air I can't help but breath, I don't remember any of my yesterdays or the books I've read, my experience but a dream pretending.

>> No.10553606

>>10552884

Well, that's circles in general. on a circle by circle basis, the radius the the defining feature that sets it apart from other circles.

A lot of people think it's the diameter, because a lot of stuff like 2πr is all they know about circles, and that it could just be πd. Hence why I chose what I did as being a sentence worth reading.

>> No.10553607

>>10553436
This is how drill sergeants stomp out obstinance and make trainees complaisant.

>> No.10553608

>>10552884
He meant distinctive

>> No.10553623
File: 44 KB, 800x615, 1484005862303.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
10553623

For a novel, as with certain other things, length is not so important as girth

>> No.10553638

Her dingeldores kept necking their huftypuffs of tenor movement vivaciously in the ramshackle garden of trempty flowers from Da Gruben's vicinity near the Vice Vonder, they laughed and grabbed their claps as her dingledore reached its limit.

>> No.10553644

>>10553551

Life drifts by like air I breathe, leaving yesterdays, and books read, forgotten, my essence is distilled.

>> No.10553648

A man who fails to build his life will seek comfort in turning it to rubble.

>> No.10553663

>>10553644
Last clause is gay and has no context

>> No.10553671

The anglonian brat breeds another cousin to his mother

>> No.10553684

Self-doubt and displaced aggression are less than idle hindrances, they are corrosive notions that refuse to be ignored.

>> No.10553760

Those who follow will judge, they will be kind to you.

>> No.10553763

If we all come together, we know what to do.

>> No.10553765

>>10553763
Sounds like something out of a capeshit flick desu senpai

>> No.10553787

>>10553154
Maybe a ":" instead of ";" would make the sentence more interesting.

>> No.10553797

>>10553399
So you're drinking shit?

>> No.10553801
File: 100 KB, 640x1136, 1515872431539.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
10553801

>>10553467
Nice

>> No.10553808

>>10553644
Gay

>> No.10553835

>>10553765
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qlti8Q-gU-Q

>> No.10553837

>>10552578
the best thing about despicable me 2 is how much i want to fuck the redhead

>> No.10553845

Two long shadows cast away from the center of the stage, with their heads falling short of a dark horizon only dotted by whispers of starlight yet to come into full bloom.

>> No.10553846

The scenic route is too congested my dear, were going to ride a rocket ship out of this shitfest to the farthest galactic outpost that recognizes the authority of the Middling Gold Concomitant.

>> No.10553989

>>10553154
>There is nothing noble in being superior to your former self; true nobility is being superior to your fellow man.

FTFY

>> No.10554059

They lived and loved and laughed and left.

>> No.10554100

>>10554059
>>10553846
>>10553845
Shite

>> No.10554167

I AM A GRIEVING FATHER AND I AM SELLING THE SHOES OF MY DEAD BABY.

>> No.10554185

>>10554167
For sale: baby shoes, never worn.

>> No.10554266

>>10554100
I'd like for you to change your mind.

>> No.10554294

I laughed while I came to the image of the sex doll, laughed at the absurdity of it all.

>> No.10554309

The laziness of the beach flowed forcefully into his body, and even his lust for a cigarette wasn't strong enough to wrest him from the dip he carved out in the sands of the shore.

>> No.10554316

>>10553324
Reminds me of that Dark Knight Rises scene in a bad way

>> No.10554470

If you seek vengeance, you will always become the thing you seek to destroy.

>> No.10554476

>>10554470
*set-out to destroy

>> No.10554928

>>10553349
>"Unrelenting stillness" is just barf

Stillness doesnt mean unmoving

>> No.10554945

>>10554266
They have potential, try to keep it simple

>> No.10554987

>>10552578
i will stuff you all in the crust

>> No.10555011

In reality, in the caste system not only did every profession or trade correspond to a vocation (hence the double meaning preserved in the English term “calling”); not only was there something to be found in every product as a “crystallized tradition” that could be activated by a free and personal activity and by an incomparable skill; not only were the dispositions developed in the exercise of a trade and acknowledged by the social organism transmitted through the blood as congenital and deep attitudes – but something else was present as well, namely, the transmission, if not the real initiation of at least an “inner tradition” of the art that was preserved as a sacred and secret thing (arcanum magisterium), even though it was partly visible in the several details and rules, rich with symbolical and religious elements that were displayed by traditional guilds (whether Eastern, Mexican, Roman, medieval, and so on).

>> No.10555055

The silence was deafening.

>> No.10555106

>>10552810
Thesaurus gore

>> No.10555122

the nigger from niger acted niggardly

>> No.10555129
File: 864 KB, 2048x1371, 1490557918710.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
10555129

>>10552578
"And as his lips pressed against hers he felt the way a hunter would poised to kill in the moment before his shot: willing himself steady but only succeeding to still his hands and expression - frozen between a primeval reverie and panicked vitality."

How much of a pseud am I /lit/

>> No.10555162

>>10555106
You didn't understand it?

>> No.10555169

>>10552810
>>10555162

>deliberately obtuse, off the cuff, remarks

>> No.10555201

The world and everything in it seems pulled down, not sagging, but pulled down with purpose, like a dour face.

>> No.10555269

This is a retarded exercise; it'd be better to ask a ladder which of its rungs is the best.

>> No.10555310

>>10553608
I suppose I did, yeah.
Thanks.

>> No.10555319

The tundra was so extreme it had turned mankind into demons; or maybe mankind were really demons wearing human skins.

>> No.10555343

>>10552578
The poopy in my underpants nestled close to my ass cheeks to suckle the warmth of motherhood from me

>> No.10555363

Almost lost my virginity once, but my dick was too thick for penetrative sex with this tight virgin bitch.

>> No.10555515

She has a body to make an antinatalist reconsider.

>> No.10555570

>>10553339
this is sonically better than every suggestion that's been given

>> No.10555648

The nature of a statue is to crumble.

>> No.10555689

Truth often lies in the most abstract of simple answers.

>> No.10555831

Wew lad

>> No.10555837

She never loved you.

>> No.10555884

>>10553257
lmao

>> No.10555897

>>10555689
>>10555837
meaningless

>> No.10555909

I am full of stupid faggot like op that think writing as a snob make them intelligent; literature --fiction-- is what brainlets write to feel intelligent, too fucking bad only scientific writing show your intelligence (the content, not the faggot words you use).

>> No.10555914

>>10552578
In the end, more than in God, it is necessary to believe in yourself.

>> No.10555956

>>10553048
this so much
he need to
>>>/tumbrl/

>> No.10556008

>>10552901
I like your construction better than the suggestion from >>10553079. I, however like to use the dash to avoid confusion about what the commas are doing.
*The old widower grasped the warm, soft hand that had held him tenderly for so many years - and died quietly in an empty house.*
Overall I like this sentence and I would be happy to read a short story based on the concept.

>> No.10556014

>>10552578
It was a scar that accentuated the concave of her body; a crack for which the sculptor's first stone was meticulously selected.

>> No.10556015

>>10555914
Wrong! God is much more likely to exist than the self. Believing in yourself is equivalent to believing in nothing.

>> No.10556020

>>10553079
This reads like one of those nonsensical, word-gore sentences you're asked to fix on the SAT. You turned it into filth.

>> No.10556037

I beat Joanne so severely that she was wheezing blood from the gaps between her teeth.

>> No.10556038

>>10552711
>I have never had sex.
I know that this is pasta, having seen it so many times on /k/ and /pol/.

>> No.10556042

It starts with a weird noise, next thing you know you’re choking on a hamburger

>> No.10556047

>>10556015
such a banal platitude

>> No.10556051

>>10556047
>such a banal platitude
such a banal platitude

>> No.10556054

>>10556047
What you wrote was also a banal platitude in addition to being incorrect. How sad to see someone so blind to their faults, yet so eager to point out the same faults in others.

>> No.10556055

>>10556051
i was hoping someone would get my reference but i guess thats not gonna happen

>> No.10556072

>>10552760
I, personally, have been focusing on abstaining from using prepositions outside of prepositional phrases - having found that using prepositions improperly tends to dilute the variety of word choice in my righting.

>> No.10556083

Americans, especially Americans who post here have no culture. I hate them but I also feel sorry for them, as they will never know a culture of their own that they can be proud to belong to. Most modern Americans resemble nothing of the older generations and the country reflects that. They fill their time with pathetic jokes, consumerism and talks about how depressed they are. There is no beauty anymore, nothing is sacred

>> No.10556090

>>10553648
This made me sad.

>> No.10556095

>>10556083
>Write a single sentence worth reading. Don't go thinking you're hot shit and believing people need additional sentences to understand your special snowflake context; everybody gets one you faggot. If it's good, you may post freely. If not, you are banished to permanent lurking. Let's see what you've got, lads.

>> No.10556098

I jizzed in her coffee and she got pregnant

>> No.10556110

>>10556098
did she poured the cafe in her vaginas ?

>> No.10556120

>>10556095
>implying I dont do what I like
I am a madkunt so fuck right off

>> No.10556144

>>10552722

"Sorry! ...But it isn't even a new thing."
"I'm sorry but it isn't even a new thing."

>> No.10556150

>>10556098
>>10556110
you going to answered? i do want to know

did she poured in her vaginas ? then

>> No.10556151

>>10553331
>Two sentences. Imprisoned for /lit/ crimes, to the gulag with you.
>I can't even into plagiarism.

>> No.10556160

is it wonderful?

>> No.10556187

>>10555129
I liked it but
>starting a sentence with And

>> No.10556253
File: 82 KB, 736x627, c3c.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
10556253

I hope anon has a great day!

>> No.10556260

His late lover's words, and the sensation not too dissimilar of a warm hug amidst a chilly winter's night that filled him upon hearing them, was perhaps the most frightening thing Benjamin had ever heard considering his husband had died two years prior.

>> No.10556272

>>10553476
I agree with this, though I realize that many are uncomfortable with the assumed verb.

>> No.10556278

>>10553513
Her lamentation going almost entirely unheard through the chorus of "nigger" and "faggot": I never said I was a girl.

>> No.10556282

>>10554059
Reads like something a stripper would tattoo on her leg or something

>> No.10556298

>>10555122
>t. Alan Greenspan fan

>> No.10556300

>>10555909
Literally this. If you can't be objective and precise with your words, you're not smart, and you don't write well. Its mostly your own responsability whether or not people understand the stuff you say. People don't seem to get that the difficult thing about wrotong is not knowing a lot of words, but to make yourself understood in a precise and effective way. That's the purpose of language.

>> No.10556302

>>10553467
>>10553476
Choosing between 'me' and 'I' is not a matter of formality. 'Me' is the objective case of 'I'. In your sentence, it should be 'me' because object pronouns are used after prepositions like 'except'.

You wouldn't say 'he spoke to I' (in this sentence, 'to' is a preposition).

Whether or not you prefer it, it's ungrammatical to use "you and I".

>> No.10556309

>>10556300
>responsability
Yes, I can see why you don't want to believe that knowing a lot of words makes you smart.

>> No.10556310

>>10555129
You write about killing through the eyes of one who has obviously never killed anything of importance - therefor, I suggest that you read On Killing by Grossman.

>> No.10556315

I cannot help but feel uneasy around blacks.

>> No.10556318

>>10552578
Many use the image of children to defend refugees despite children being the most dangerous insurgents.

>> No.10556324
File: 10 KB, 630x359, 1502027127428.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
10556324

>>10556302
Put that way it's true, but you and me sounds still sounds informal

>> No.10556336

>>10556015
>Wrong! God is much more likely to exist than the self. Believing in yourself is equivalent to believing in nothing.
Having written three sentences for your submission, you have completely abandoned the premise of the exercise.

>> No.10556354

>>10556310
I haven't shot anything dead no. Only shot rifles for target practice so that's fair.

But if you have then you'd agree the apprehension is pretty similar isn't it? I really do feel like the moment you kiss someone you really love for the first time is kind of like that electric impulse you have before shooting a gun. Your body wants to do its fight-or-flight thing but you have just enough presence of mind to understand that that instinct is totally inappropriate for the situation.

>>10556187
Thanks for the responses anons.

>>10556253
:3

>> No.10556356

>>10556120
>I do what I like
>And I meant what I said
>I hate all of you
>So I shit on your thread

>> No.10556375

>>10556302
>I can't even into assumed verbs.
Example: He is greater than I (am).

>> No.10556407

>>10556354
>But if you have then you'd agree
I disagree. You used the term "hunter" for what is apparently not a hunter but is in fact "some dude" that happens to be hunting. I can discuss this if you are still on the thread.

>> No.10556414

>>10556309
Lmao English is not even my first language get fucked you pretentious cunt

>> No.10556493

>>10556414
Whatever helps you sleep at night. You seem a little upset. Did I hit a little close to home?

>> No.10556502

>>10556375
He didn't use an assumed verb. Try rephrasing his sentence in a similar way.

>> No.10556503

he lives in my head, rent-fucking-free.

>> No.10556515

>>10556502
The advice that you gave was very confining and tended to suggest assumed verbs.

>> No.10556551

>>10556407
Hunter encapsulates the guy's identity more conveniently then "a man whom had never used a gun before".

I suppose that, realistically, a hunter would have gone through the momentary apprehension which precedes shooting enough to acclimatize himself.

How would you re-write the phrase then?

>> No.10556556

She was extremely self-conscious about her enormous tongue so she tried to speak as quietly as possible most of the time, but even when she whispered it still sounded like a squid in a trifle trying to click all its fingers.

>> No.10556567

What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets!

>> No.10556568

As of tomorrow, me and the boys are going on a jesus heist.

>> No.10556579

>>10556493
You're probably feeling so smart and sarcastic for having found a spelling error on a forum post, haha. So that's what brainlets do to feel smart when confronted to criticism. Ok then.

>> No.10556584

>>10556579
Oh sorry I meant confronted WITH criticism, right? It's hard being a polyglot, sometimes you make mistakes.

>> No.10556586

>>10556315
I'm the same, I'm not racist or anything, I just grew up in an mostly white neighborhood. It's legitimately something out of the ordinary for me to be around people of color.

>> No.10556600

>>10556336
>implying a period marks the end of a sentence
You really are dense;

>> No.10556611

Curious, isn't it, that for all my pretension and talk of the indomitable human spirit, here I am, accomplishing nothing, a slave to shitposting.

>> No.10556616

W-why can't I stop moving my hips, uguu~?!

>> No.10556632

>>10556579
>>10556584
>Name calling is criticism
Hmm, really makes you think. Keep the vitriol coming. You're really seething, aren't you?

>> No.10556635

>>10556600
Indeed—

>> No.10556636

>>10556632
Shut up, peepee head.

>> No.10556643

>>10556586
I don't have any ill-wills for non-whites. In fact, I am friends with a handful of hispanics and I consider them good friends. I just can't help but feel a bit of disgust when I look at them, especially blacks. The same feeling also arises when I'm around over-weight "people". Maybe this happens because I know that the person I'm looking at could have been someone more pleasant to look at if the world builders of the past had done a better job. I really can't control this feeling and it is not pleasant. I'd like to minimize this negativity but I'm not sure what I ought to do.

>> No.10556779

My only muse, your displeasure, my only drive, your disdain, vehemently, I crave your misfortune, and savor the value it permits.

>> No.10556811

>>10556779
>And I do it all for freeeee
>Your tears are all the thanks I'll ever need

>> No.10556825

>>10556811
I'll allow it

>> No.10556856

I like your gay oriental mongoloid profile picture, it really shows off your white guilt.

>> No.10556869

>>10556551
>How would you re-write the phrase then?
If you need to maintain the apprehension then I would work on defining the character better than just "hunter", which carries implications that are apparently outside the scope of this character.

>> No.10556880

>>10556611
nice trip dubs

depends on what intent you have while you shitpost

>> No.10556985

The blade was hot, aglow with the sunset hues of passion and fire but all was extinguished by its plunging into the water- that fire, heat, and beauty extinguished into the first cooling hiss of a tempered strength.

>> No.10557018

He came, and sat, and, very politely, started listening.

>> No.10557043

The familiar, crushing urge to escape my sloth and shame was almost overwhelming as I silently palmed the vestigal, fleshy mass of my penis once again, more out of habit than any sincere expectations of pleasure.

>> No.10557045

>>10557018
I would only change ,

“He came, he sat, and very politely, started to listen”

With that slight adjustment I find this to be a very pleasing sentence.
You could also replace ‘started’ with ‘began’- but I’ll chalk that up to a relative preference.

Grammar wise I’m unsure of the use of commas- but since I like the pause it brings so I accept your placements.

>> No.10557064

If you were to ask him about his job, he would call it transporting; and so would his employers, but most other people would prefer the term "smuggling" instead.

Posting this one because I know it needs some work, so any help is appreciated.

>> No.10557072

>>10556985
I'm going to edit your sentence into something I like better. Tell me what you think.

A blade; hot, aglow with radiant sunset hues of passion and fire-- extinguished by water, that flame of beauty, transfused through heat, sings the first cooling hiss of tempered strength.

>> No.10557081

>>10557064
>If you were to ask him about his job, he would call it transporting; and so would his employers, but most other people would prefer the term "smuggling" instead.
Make it into two sentences.

>> No.10557093

>>10557081
How would you suggest going about doing that?

I was thinking of changing "he would call it transporting; and so would his employers" to "he and his employers would call is transporting" but I feel like that weakens the sentence.

>> No.10557109

Sure, I may talk to myself, but I'm also a great listener.

>> No.10557118

>>10557072
I first thank you for the time and attention.

The second part ,
“that flame of beauty, transfused through heat, sings the first cooling hiss of tempered strength.”
I greatly prefer.

I just went through a tough break up.
I was left by someone I thought I was going to be married to.

I guess I’m thinking about writing now.

I feel like the blade. Cold water thrown onto all my passions, in so much pain- but knowing I’ll become stronger by it.

>> No.10557125

>>10557109
Reads like a bumper sticker/something your grandmas posts on Facebook.

>> No.10557145

>>10557125
Exactly. A meme with common appeal and staying power.

>> No.10557181

>>10557093
I think I understand the tone you are attempting. Too get the full effect you have to be more "to the point".

>I was thinking of changing "he would call it transporting; and so would his employers" to "he and his employers would call is transporting"
This would be an improvement as it reads better but still isn't as poignant as I assume its supposed to be. This could be done by simplifying the sentence and getting those filler words out of the way. I'll try the original.

If you asked, transporting; his employers, the same. To other--more disagreeable--people, it's called smuggling.

>> No.10557202

>>10557118
Makes zero sense.

> "The flame of beauty"
Ok...
> "Transfused through heat"
How is a flame transfused by heat? A flame produces heat, and is produced by it.
> "sings the first cooling hiss of tempered strength"
So now the flame is cold and hissing? And what the hell does strength have to do with it?

The second one is not so bad, since the imagery works. Still, you can trim it.

"Like a red-hot blade plunged into water, the terrible chill lent me strength."

>> No.10557212

>>10557118
>I feel like the blade. Cold water thrown onto all my passions-- in so much pain but knowing I’ll become stronger by it.
Good luck. These circumstances are always hard; that's true by definition. I like your sentence but make sure you keep those filler words to a minimum in more important sentences.

>> No.10557228

Wolves eat sheep, but shepherds kill wolves.

>> No.10557278

>>10557202
the whole sentence here >>10557072

>>"Transfused through heat"
>How is a flame transfused by heat? A flame produces heat, and is produced by it.
The "flame of beauty" is a hyperbole for the sword, not an actual flame. "Transfused through heat" as in, the heat of the fire was infused with the blade and no longer visible externally.

>So now the flame is cold and hissing? And what the hell does strength have to do with it?
Above. Sword is cold and hissing. It's obvious why strength is attributed to a newly crafted sword.

I'm not sure how you completely misunderstood the object of the sentence.

>> No.10557310

>>10557278
With the force of a hammer falling against anvil, his nerve was struck, rent by the criticism.

>> No.10557336
File: 17 KB, 464x447, LaterHomo.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
10557336

>>10557310
>rent by the criticism.
Its a criticism of a criticism. You did not understand the sentence originally. I showed you how you were wrong. If only you could do the same!

>> No.10557348

>>10557336
Even in context, the imagery fails.
You didn't address the second point either.
Sorry about your feels.

>> No.10557379

>>10557348
>Even in context, the imagery fails.
Explain. I don't understand what you are referring to. Be specific.

>You didn't address the second point either.
What second point? I thought your only point was that it didn't make sense.

>Sorry about your feels.
Sorry about your feels.

Stop writing like you are more clever than you actually are because it's distractingly apparent and damages your original point.

>> No.10557401

>>10557278
We live just long enough to feel regret.

>> No.10557412

>>10557401
fuck i dind't mean 2 reply 2 anyone :((( srry bros. this last post is meant as a STAND ALONE. NO REPLY! :DDD

>> No.10557422

No one is coming for you, you are alone.

>> No.10557436

>>10557379
Again and again he hammered the hot metal to no avail. With a final desperate yell he flung down his tool. Why would it not yield? Had he failed himself again? Had he failed his King? Was his soul like this alloy, a substance that would not be shaped? Unwanted tears, mixed with sweat ran down his cheeks. Bitterly he stared at the fallen hammer, and knew then why his woman had gone.

>> No.10557440

>>10557401
But a person could regret anything at any time. A more accurate sentence would be
>We live just long enough to not feel regret.

>> No.10557444

I wasn't quite sure what I was looking at, but I knew that it couldn't be anything other than what it was; for it was something unlike any other thing of which I had ever seen before: it was absolutely fucking nothing.

>> No.10557445

>>10552578

If I fucked your mother you'd know.

>> No.10557460

Yeah, he was right: it was pretty big.

>> No.10557461

>>10557436
I admire your passion but your point is becoming more and more distant.

>> No.10557462

>>10557422
this sentence feels like it could be placed in a lot of different contexts. It either could be part of a serial killers soliloquy before claiming another victim, or in some lonliboiz rant about how no one can truly understand each other. Alternatively, it seems reminiscent of the invisible man, as the main character is realizing that the whyte woman fetishizes him and that he's isolated cuz his race. So, I particulary like sentences that feel unique to the situation. i think such sentences tend to build more layers of complexity of meaninng when they are both specific only to the situation in the context that we don't care about in this thread, while still being completely universal in meaning. it is a hard balance that can only be struck infrequently, but I figure that since u're posting this particular sentence, you want it to have a big impact on the reader.

>> No.10557474

Die into breath until you die

>> No.10557478

>>10557461
Becoming more distant like the dying embers of the furnace, viewed from the lonely cot of the smith.

>> No.10557483

>>10557440
>>We live just long enough to not feel regret.

What I'm trying to communicate is that the last feeling I expect to feel is regret, as kind of an emotional final crescendo. When your time is up, how can you not look back on the time/opportunities wasted?

to make this more clear try

"We live just long enough to feel regret, nothing more."

>> No.10557484
File: 237 KB, 637x183, Screen Shot 2018-01-07 at 1.49.46 PM.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
10557484

>>10556556
Laughed out loud

>> No.10557488

I will have been.

>> No.10557502
File: 575 KB, 1200x914, plotting1.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
10557502

>mfw I toil away to strain the boundlessly far-reaching breadth of my sheer mental fortitude down to the spiciest your mom joke the layman couldn't even hope to muster, let alone comprehend.

>> No.10557515

To jump start my literary career I'm writing a Warhammer 40k fan fiction but I don't want to be a pleb

>> No.10557528

monsters as the humans they are

>> No.10557540

While continental philosophy produces the most clever ways to use language, analytical philosophy is more my cup of tea, figuratively speaking.

>> No.10557541

>>10557483
>the last feeling I expect to feel is regret
Really? I guess it all depends on when you die. When your sentence says live "long" I assumed you were talking about old persons nearing, and accepting of, death; meaning they don't feel regret because they are already familiarized with death and impermanence. That's why I feel "not" is more fitting unless you change the sentence to not use the word "long".

>> No.10557575

>>10557541
You may know regret in the days before your death,
but in that final moment utter peace replaces breath.

>> No.10557581
File: 62 KB, 525x700, BuddhaCow.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
10557581

>>10557575
>utter peace

>> No.10557585

>>10557581
Holy cow!

>> No.10557602

im gay

>> No.10557607

>>10557581
The young monk approached the holy bovine with great reverence. Gathering his courage, he asked: "Master, what is the dharma body?"

The great sage let his eyes rest on a point beyond the apprentice, and after a long time, replied simply:

"Moo."

>> No.10557647

A work of art is the unique result of a unique temperament.

>> No.10557650

>>10557647
Ironic that you use "unique" twice.

>> No.10557662

Even the smell of fresh meat rapes my focus; my mind violated by the hunger for both young women and nourishment.

>> No.10557666

>>10557662
Dumb and trashy

>> No.10557676

>>10557502
>couldn't even hope to muster, let alone comprehend
the order here doesn't make sense

>> No.10557677

>>10557666
Satan's right, you know.

>> No.10557686

>>10557666
Explain. I tried to capture the aggressive and unapologetic nature of a --functional-- young man.

>> No.10557801

You can't buy taste... unless you're at the flavor shop.

>> No.10557812
File: 40 KB, 620x412, GuyFieri.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
10557812

>>10557801
I like your style!

>> No.10557816
File: 16 KB, 287x355, 71rnCNR84ZL._SY355_.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
10557816

>>10557676
Foiled again

>> No.10557885

>>10557647
>>10557650
might be alliteration

>> No.10557912

Americans be eating cheesed burger.

>> No.10557913

>>10557885
It may be a-literal, but alliteration it literally isn't.

>> No.10557955
File: 66 KB, 212x220, 1503552612187.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
10557955

>>10557816

>> No.10557965

A fake nigga may do some real nigga shit, but verily, a real nigga shall never do fake nigga shit.

>> No.10557982
File: 22 KB, 320x320, back-to-reddit.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
10557982

>>10557912
>>10557965
>>10557602
hurr iz funy cuz I rite liek tard

>> No.10558038

At what age is it reasonable to envision the man that resides only within your head beginning to weep and beg for another second chance when you look in the mirror one morning?

>> No.10558045

>>10557982
>implying acting autistic isn't the basest behavior on 4chan
Leave.

>> No.10558065

>>10558038
ends with question mark,; not a sentence.

>> No.10558093

This thread is a mistake.

>> No.10558130

>>10558065
¡sorry I'll make sure to flip it and put it in front next time

>> No.10558153

>>10557686
Sounds like a sentance straight out of the Twilight series. C’mon now.

>> No.10558200

>>10557018
>He came, he took a seat, and then politely directed his attention towards me, only interjecting when he found my explanations to be inadequate.

>> No.10558220

It's too easy to get your 'us and them' circuits fired up over stuff like that when you can't bridge the perspective gap.

>> No.10558234

>>10557462
Holy shit this response was great to read. I’m really glad, thank you anon. Yes, I do understand that it can be used in different contexts abd I do plan on using it to strike my audience amd cut them deeply. Hopefully I’ll be able to accomplish that. With your encouragement, I’m sure I will.

>> No.10558244

The captive writhed against his bindings, back arched like a woman in orgasm, the blade in his thigh pointing out invisible lines of agony across the ceiling, which, were they apparent, would have created a masterpiece.

>> No.10558246

>>10558200
> "Stop manterrupting," I chided. His eyes lit up with delight as he apologized.

>> No.10558253

>>10558220
Pretentious and not something I’d hear out of a real person’s mouth unless it was my father, who is a pretentious ass that pretends to be smarter than everyone else banging on his chest like some gorilla, who, in turn, nobody enjoys being around.

>> No.10558267

Are you happy with who you have become?

>> No.10558268

>>10557686
>>10557666
It's still shite, and you failed. No one says that and you thinking that people say or think that just makes you pretty fucked up.

t. functional young man

>> No.10558272

>>10558267
Almost perfect, but not yours.

>> No.10558277

>>10558272
This critique is a good sentence.

>> No.10558309

>>10558277
These dubs make up for the otherwise average post.

>> No.10558331

>>10558272
Nigga the fuck you mean, nothing is mine, nothing is original and nothing is sacred at this pount in time

>> No.10558338

>>10558331
You're the only one to ever have written that particular sentence.

>> No.10558353

>>10558338
Is it because I spelt point wrong?

>> No.10558363

>>10558353
Even if you hadn't, the sentence would still be unique. The probability that someone else has written the exact same words decreases very rapidly as your word count grows.

>> No.10558402

>>10558363
Well I can’t really argue too much with that

>> No.10558687

she know all the colours that nature do

>> No.10558926

>>10557093
Smuggling is such an ugly word, and his employers agreed. Transportation, on the other hand, had a respectable solidity to it.

>> No.10558928

>>10557484
ha, thanks!

>> No.10558965

>>10558363
so you don't know if it's unique after all

>> No.10559180

>>10552731
>soul and mind are separate

You're stuck in metaphysics lad.