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/lit/ - Literature

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10250830 No.10250830 [Reply] [Original]

Can I get some feedback on this poem I wrote? Thanks /lit/.

>> No.10250864

Beautifull

>> No.10250891

>>10250864
Thanks man, means a lot to me.

>> No.10250923

Ignoring the content, which is shit, there's nothing wrong with the poem itself.
Some of the rhymes aren't very good though: "humanity" doesn't go well with "tie", consider replacing with "pretends to be like you and I".
Last line should be "Jesus Christ", that also adds some alliteration with "cries"
Overall I think you have a good poem, you just need to polish it a bit. Try reading it out loud a few times to see if it flows.

>> No.10251474
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10251474

>>10250830
>rhyming tie and humanity
>the ridiculously stretched metre
>the completely superficial and uninteresting attempt at metaphor

>> No.10251481

It's bad and you should feel bad. Drown yourself.

>> No.10251791

>>10251474
>>10250923
try reading the tyger by william blake. humanity can rhyme with tie.

>>10251481
uh, okay, whats bad about it?

>> No.10251800

>>10250923
i appreciate the feedback though ill take it all into consideration

>> No.10251801

Havi Nashiev
Leonid Nureev
Alexandr Olshansky
Boris Gryzlov
Eban Okunev

>> No.10251807

>>10251791
>try reading the tyger by william blake. humanity can rhyme with tie.
Sure if you live in the 1800s. Do you?

>> No.10252143

>>10251807
but you find nothing objectionable about 'tis, thy, or abhorr-ed?