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/lit/ - Literature

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10038469 No.10038469 [Reply] [Original]

>> No.10038478

>>10038469
People don't talk like that.

>> No.10038479

post it in the critique thread dickhead you're not special

>> No.10038485

>>10038469
Is this the start of the book? Not gonna lie OP, if this was the start of the book, maybe you wanna make it a little less dry and/or less exposition. If you have your own world, and all you wrote ties to the plot, surely you will give all the info in time, but it seens a bit to rush and a bit to dry.
Maybe is your style that is somewhat different from mine, and because of that I found yours a bit harder to swallow for a start, but I think you can try some rewritte if this is the beggining.
If not, then I take away all I said.

>> No.10038856

>stated forcefully.

I'm trying to imagine what that would look and sound like.

>> No.10038904

>>10038469
>Would you want to continue reading?
no

also
first sentence is too long and has two adverbs
and the dialogue itself does not make sense. if "it is impossible that every story told about the Ancient One is true", why would the merchant "state forcefully" that "It is returning" soon? unless your intent is to show that he is beginning to doubt his own words in the space of a few sentences. in which case you would be better off just saying that.