/wg/ - Writing General

[Anonymous No.22606175]

"The Horror Of Silence" Edition

Previous:
>>22597540

/wg/ AUTHORS & FLASH FICTION: https://pastebin.com/ruwQj7xQ
RESOURCES & RECOMMENDATIONS: https://pastebin.com/nFxdiQvC

Please limit excerpts to one post.
Give advice as much as you receive it to the best of your ability.
Follow prompts made below and discuss written works for practice; contribute and you shall receive.
If you have not performed a cursory proofread, do not expect to be treated kindly. Edit your work for spelling and grammar before posting.
Violent shills, relentless shill-spammers, and grounds keeping prose, should be ignored and reported.

Simple guides on writing:
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHdzv1NfZRM
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whPnobbck9s
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAKcbvioxFk

Thread Theme:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6RVOCDiZso4

[Anonymous No.22606190]

Anyone need a cheap editor? My business meeting fell through because of the war, so I'm free this week

[Anonymous No.22606230]

Forgot the link to the /wg/ National Novel Writing Month Server. It’s not November yet but we can still practice and give tips!

https://discord.gg/fjYwNSyc

[Anonymous No.22606237]

https://pastebin.com/n225cr0t
critique, rate, and bait

[Anonymous No.22606254]

>You know, that you survived what you did was nothing short of a miracle. The fact that not only did you live, you bounced back from it sent shockwaves through the community. I mean, nobody, not even me, expected you to last more than a couple of hours after what happened.
His words rolled off his tongue at varying speeds to me, as if my perception of reality was fluctuating in and out of my own subconscious. I wasn't really sure how to respond, so I just spoke the first thing that came to mind
>What happened?
His bark-born brow raised and his head craned slightly, as if to express exasperation with me.
>You know what happened, right? Or maybe you're just suffering memory loss. Kind of concerning given your age, I mean we literally just got you four days ago. Just look at your chest and then you tell me what happened
As he said "Chest" I felt a slight shiver down my spine. What happened to my chest? I slowly removed my shawl, stood up, and walked over to the mirror. I froze in place the moment I got a look at what was on my body. A scar on my chest. Roughly a foot across. Craggily and chaotic, with rainbow colors flashing in and out like static. Surely a result of my body being made of light, as it was if the scar was like a prism, focusing my light in random, uncontrolled patterns.
And the memories it bought back were the worst kind. The kind that you actually try to forget, but just keep sticking in the back of your mind like sap on bark. I fell into the chasm, I landed on a void creature's spiked arm, skewered like the prey of a Shrike. I stayed there for almost an hour, suffering but alive. The pain was unbearable, yet I lacked the strength to even scream. I knew it was only an hour, but it felt like days.
I remember her face. The one who pulled me off and said the words that must have been the catalyst for my continued life
>"He's breathing!"
I turned back to him, his stave straight as ever as he looked me dead in the eyes
>The fact that you're actually healing from that is a miracle in of itself. I'd give you maybe a month until it's completely gone. So for you at the moment, roughly seven lifetimes
He chuckled at that last part.

I need to work on my grammar. And also make it more apparent these characters aren't physically human.

[Anonymous No.22606304]

thinking about submitting to a contest
can I get away with mentioning Captain Planet and Mcdonald's in my piece?

[Anonymous No.22606314]

The rain tapped on a leafy branch like a bored secretary tapping her pen against her desk.

How's that for a metaphor ?

[Anonymous No.22606320]

>>22606314
I hate metaphors.

[Anonymous No.22606331]

>>22606320
:( y

[Anonymous No.22606333]

>>22606314
the only metaphor I like is the one in my pants (but I like yours too)

[Anonymous No.22606338]

>>22606314
That's not a metaphor, it's a similie.

[Anonymous No.22606341]

>>22606331
They're annoying, like the itch of an ant bite on the left side of a dog's scrotum.

[Anonymous No.22606345]

>>22606338
What is a similie

[Anonymous No.22606348]

>>22606175
Which is better /wg/?

"They floated down into the consuming darkness"

or

"They floated down into the rapacious darkness"

[Anonymous No.22606355]

>>22606341
But whyyyyyyy :'(

[Anonymous No.22606375]

>>22605971
But it does come across like that, which is just as bad.

[Anonymous No.22606377]

>>22606355
It's like a a dripping faucet in the dead of night, each drop landing in the pool of your patience, one after the other, until you couldn't help but feel driven to madness.

[Anonymous No.22606381]

>>22606348
These are metaphors

>>22606377
>>22606341
>>22606314
These are not

[Anonymous No.22606387]

>>22606381
>similies aren't metaphors
what mong hole did you crawl from

[Anonymous No.22606391]

>>22606237
It helps to have a story before you start writing.

[Anonymous No.22606398]

>>22606304
I don't know

[Anonymous No.22606401]

Is there a way to learn to write for video games? I want to show /v/ that video game can have good writing too.

[Anonymous No.22606403]

>>22606387
You're thinking of idioms. Metaphors and smileys are two types of idioms.

[Anonymous No.22606415]

>>22606403
are you having a fucking laff

[Anonymous No.22606432]

Haven’t written in over a year. Started up again today, wrote 1500 words and my God does it feel good. It’s the only thing that really pulls me out of my shitty life and arrests my anxiety to a degree. Hoping to write some of this fun stuff to get back into the groove then return to my anthology and hopefully FINALLY finish it

[Anonymous No.22606455]

>>22606377
But I like this sentence :( how else can one make their prose pretty????

[Anonymous No.22606497]

>>22606455
the comparison isn't immediately striking. on its own it doesn't deepen the scene. use your language to draw out something, be it narrative; characterization; scene qualities of atmosphere, mood or painting precise imagery; or evoking a specific feeling out of the reader
your metaphor is fine. it just doesn't do fuck all on its own
see >>22606377
this is actually a decent contrast to your post. this anon used a vague (even comedically cliche) comparison but developed it with further support
you can apply what he's done, and describe your description in this direct manner, but I think if you want to improve your prose you should try to integrate this effect into the broader scope of your writing. how can you develop and contextualize this metaphor with other parts of your writing?
explore answers to this and you'll be speeding on gains

also stop posting like a wannabe pretty boy dweeb
you aren't cute

[Anonymous No.22606509]

>>22606497
I just used ChatGPT to come up with a simile for something being annoying.

[Anonymous No.22606553]

>>22606509
>ChatGPT spat out a comedically soulless metaphor
checks out

[Anonymous No.22606564]

I'm writing a young adult romance novel. Despite being 18 years old, the leads are awkward and shy around each other.

[Anonymous No.22606593]

>>22606564
I'm shy and awkward around you, anon.

[Anonymous No.22606597]

>>22606398
okay thanks
does anyone?

[Anonymous No.22606645]

>>22606564
What makes you think 18 year olds can't be awkward or shy?

[Anonymous No.22606689]

I've been writing a lot of scripts recently. That counts as writing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3_4Hwe4qB4

[Anonymous No.22606703]

What is it about writing your first draft on paper that makes it so easy to write out a good and competent looking story when transcribed to text, even if what you’ve written on paper looks nowhere near as competent as it is after you’ve typed it out?

[Anonymous No.22606722]

>>22606348
I think it's context dependent anon, "consuming" and "rapacious" are both fine words, just depends on what you're trying to communicate (although I admit I didn't know what rapacious meant and looked it up). If you want smartie points for using uncommon words go with rapacious, but of course that's bad justification. If you posted a longer excerpt it'd be easier to judge.

[Anonymous No.22606731]

>>22606689
>pro-communist
>anti-zionist
You know that's like being pro-hydration, anti-water

[Anonymous No.22606739]

>>22606731
i didn't say i was either of those things

[Anonymous No.22606742]

>>22606739
You're not that clever.

[Anonymous No.22606751]

should the context/genre of your story afford you lenience for boring writing?

[Anonymous No.22606768]

Write better stories to write better realities.

A story is a soul.

I figure if my peoples put their attention to conjuring realities, that’ll have infinite abstract and absolute powers.

Abstract energy is mass.

I like to write stories I love of my people. I feel my people write my reality from the realm of such stories.

Here’s a story:
I say, the internet and our communities get liberated completely.
I say, all gets truly solved.

Be curious about that story unfolding in the abstractions of your reality and awareness. Feel it grow and create unfathomable goodness.

[Anonymous No.22606769]

How do I get less boring prose. I'm starting to wonder if good prose is just a spoke and everyone always just wrote the way people spoke at the time

[Anonymous No.22606775]

>>22606769
could you give an example of your work?

[Anonymous No.22606824]

>>22606751
Not unless you're OK with people not reading what you write.

[Anonymous No.22606828]

I wish I could write a story.

[Anonymous No.22606836]

>>22606768
>A story is a soul.
Fuck that. Stories aren't souls. They're a sacrifice. You have to sacrifice part of your soul to get a story, but that doesn't give the story a soul.

[Anonymous No.22606856]

Part 1 of 3: https://docdro.id/0PTHuxq
Part 2 of 3: https://docdro.id/O2DvDne
Part three is the interrogation of the founder of the psychic religion. He knows all about [redacted] and more. What questions would you like him to answer?

[Anonymous No.22606861]

The thing I like about writing erotica is that you cannot trick yourself into thinking it's better or worse than it truly is. Your dick is either hard or it isn't

[Anonymous No.22606864]

>>22606861
This is also true for comedy.

[Anonymous No.22606871]

Our protagonist witnesses a mentor of his have a "fight" and learns an important lesson about what kind of path he should take.

>It never really occurred to me how odd he looked for what he was before I got a good look at him. The greatest of us all, the strongest one, the lightning that split the unknown, the "Big Man" himself. And yet before me, preparing to face our assailants, he just looked kind of strange in a way. His body was heavy and square, with a neck thicker than his head, and limbs that didn't feel quite as big as they should be for such a massive torso. His rubber shorts clung to his legs like he did with his own weapon. His posture was the strangest of all, however. He had his weapon in the air over his head, rather than anything more convenient, with one fist to the side like he was striking a horse stance. I looked down and noticed that yes, he was in fact striking a stance. Sort of a squat, but not quite. Throughout all of that, he was as still as the rock we stood upon, unspeaking as he faced down the beasts.
>Suddenly, one charged. And another. And another. And another. Their asymmetrical, cobbled together forms lurching towards us both with a speed that felt like it shouldn't have come from their movements. Before I could even do anything, there was a gargantuan impact, like thunder but at least ten times harder. It blew me back with just the pressure, slamming me into the cave wall.
>When I regained myself, I noticed two things. One, the beasts were all dead on the ground. And two, the only thing that had changed about him was that his rod was below his navel. Suddenly, he went back to a relaxed stance, turned around, and spoke to me
"What did we learn?"
>I uncontrollably stuttered, wondering what I had just seen. Or rather, what I hadn't. He walked up to me, jostled me out of my shock, and asked again
"What did we learn?"
>I half jokingly responded
"That you're too fast to even perceive?"
>He rolled his eyes
"Ugh. I'll just give you a hint. All I can say is 'What did I just do that only I could?'"
>I was still speechless. He sighed
"I'll give you some time to think over it. A day, perhaps"

>When I got to my bunk that evening, I wondered what he meant by that. What could only he do?

[Anonymous No.22606888]

Anyone got book recommendations on how to write an academic essay on a research topic?

[Anonymous No.22606892]

>>22606888
We only write fiction 'round these parts friendo

[Anonymous No.22606904]

>>22606871
>His rubber shorts clung to his legs like he did with his own weapon.
No idea what this sentence means.
>What could only he do?
Is this a riddle? I don't like my progression power fantasy slop to make me think that hard.

[Anonymous No.22606905]

>>22606888
If you're in university you should try to get into the honors program it'll usually have 2-3 entire classes devoted to this subject.
If not, then why are you trying to write an academic essay?

[Anonymous No.22606912]

>>22606348
>They floated down into the all-encompassing darkness
ftfy

[Anonymous No.22606923]

>>22606564
Seems like only Christensen is awkward and shy. The princess seems fairly comfortable, even forward with him.
I think it's cute.

[Anonymous No.22606952]

The closeness was distant. Distancing. We neared the airport, silent. I stepped out, then she. I waited at the security checkpoint. She got her ticket. She hugged me, I hugged back. But I didn't feel it.

I felt an echo of it, like before. We did this before, but it was just practice. Pretend. Even then, I was still pretending. Maybe she was, too. The echo i felt is faint, indifferent. Hollow.

All of this was a catch-22. It came from contradiction. She would not have me if I could have her. We had fought, now it was over. Pyrrhic. She resigned, as did I. She was proud. I was ashamed. She went home. I stayed. She feigned defiance. I feigned inevitability.

We let go.

[Anonymous No.22606967]

>>22606952
M cock was hard. hardening. I neared my peak, grunting. I came first, then she. I waited for her to quit panting. She took my seed. She hugged me. I hugged back. But I didn't feel it.

[Anonymous No.22607001]

>>22606967
My she was I. I neared my me, she. I she first, then she. I she for her to me I. She me my I. She me I. But I she her me I.

[Anonymous No.22607010]

>>22607001
Oh there's I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, XI, XII, XIII, XIV, XV, XVI, XVII, XVIII.

Wheels on the big rig! And they're rollin' rollin' rollin! Rollin' rollin' rollin'!

[Anonymous No.22607038]

https://discord.gg/q2mgJfTX

Please don’t forget to include the invite to the NaNo server for the next /wg./ It’s going really well and the server is only for this month and November.

[Anonymous No.22607044]

>>22606175
Someone bought my book. Time to add "published author" to all my social media bios.

[Anonymous No.22607078]

do not rely to phishing attempts
do not clink links associated with know phishing attempts
report, and move on

[Anonymous No.22607121]

>>22606175
SHE'S 17 YOU SICK FUCK!

[Anonymous No.22607558]

>>22606391
no it doesn't

[Anonymous No.22607560]

>>22606175
Is there a science or method to getting writing ideas? Or do you just sit there and twiddle your thumbs waiting for writing ideas to just beam themselves into your head one fine day?

[Anonymous No.22607564]

>>22607560
when I need to write and can't get ideas I look for pictures and try to make stories out of them. It helps to get out the 1k per day, but realize that doing this is more for the practice of writing than for the practice of coming up with unique and good ideas.

[Anonymous No.22607573]

>>22607121
Is it even possible to write about the horrors of femininity if you're a man? Of course, I'll keep my identity a secret with a pen name and all.

[Anonymous No.22607921]

>>22607560
I always have more than I can ever hope to write down. No waiting necessary.

[Anonymous No.22607933]

>>22607560
it helps to be inspired by something else.
from media (books, music, movies, etc.) you've consumed, from an event (personal or not), a trope you like and want to recreate, a metaphor for a complicated ideal or feeling, etc.
it's also a mindset you'll have to practice.

[Anonymous No.22607939]

>>22607921
is this because you're interested in things? inherently, or was this something you worked towards?
do you believe you can make the mundane interesting? or maybe that you have low standards?

[Anonymous No.22608001]

>>22607939
I guess? I just think about what kind of situations I'd personally like to experience or what kind of people would be interesting to meet and the rest just happens on its own.

[Anonymous No.22608011]

>>22606904
Well too bad. Shit’s gonna get surreal

[Anonymous No.22608063]

>>22606304
bump
surely someone here has submitted to a contest before

[Anonymous No.22608084]

>>22608063
are you not an artist? don't ask for permission, fucking do it

[Anonymous No.22608118]

>>22608063
Depends on the contest, retard. There is no universal rule saying, "thou shalt never mention captain planet or mcdonalds in your entry". Idiot.

[Anonymous No.22608167]

>>22606904
He wears really tight boxers

[Anonymous No.22608188]

>>22606175
Hey, stop posting nudes of my wife or else I'll kill you!

> t. Stanley Coleman

[Anonymous No.22608194]

>>22607560
I note down every idea I get so that when I feel like working in prose I can just sort through the pile

[Anonymous No.22608274]

Run out of motivation

[Anonymous No.22608326]

[Anonymous No.22608502]

would anybody read the first 20k words of my novel and give me feedback

[Anonymous No.22608508]

>>22608502
no
but if you post it I might read some of it

[Anonymous No.22608577]

>>22608502
ill read your book

[Anonymous No.22608742]

im trying to figure out my villain and for some reason my mind drifts towards imagining him as a grizzled older black soldier with a beard

i guess im not quite racist enough to oppose a black man in a central role in my story but i feel like the only nonwhite main character being the villain might go over poorly

its already embedded into my mind and im having a difficult time re imagining him tho

[Anonymous No.22608754]

>>22608742
just make him a girlboss loveable bastard and stop cucking your creative vision to cultural expectation

[Anonymous No.22608767]

>>22608508
>>22608577
well here it is:
https://files.catbox.moe/75ti1h.pdf
I'm still editing it, of course

[Anonymous No.22608775]

>>22608754
for what its worth I did plan on having him rescue the protagonist from a rabble of minor villains in the pursuit of his own goals, and i was trying to think of ways to make him likable, or at least understandable. despite his ruthlessness and cunning

[Anonymous No.22608852]

>>22608767
I used ai to make a cover by the way

[Anonymous No.22608905]

I made $1.33 this month. Time for a cup of ramen.

[Anonymous No.22609018]

Should I use AI to help me keep going when I have writer's block?
Been thinking of downloading a local language model so I can keep the pace going.

[Anonymous No.22609034]

>>22609018
ai images as a creative aid sure, but ai writing is terrible, even at outlining, and consistently has mediocre ideas without the randomness needed to accidentally make something good once in a million prompts. It's just mediocre every time.

[Anonymous No.22609045]

>>22609034
It's not that bad when I'm guiding it to be completely honest. But I'm using it purely to force myself to get creative when I have no juices available. Just as an aide to develop random ideas for the story.
At least writefags are less obnoxious about AI than fucking artists l

[Anonymous No.22609051]

>>22609018
It can be decent for getting ideas to further expand on, but I wouldn't rely on it for doing your actual writing

[Anonymous No.22609095]

>>22608326
what a crybaby

[Anonymous No.22609101]

>>22609045
It is that bad, even when you're guiding it.

[Anonymous No.22609215]

cant believe i was worried about my novel ending up too long lol. it takes a lot more to fill up a page than i thought. i guess paragraph breaks during dialogue-heavy sequences will fluff things out a bit, and it helps that ive also tempered my ambitions a bit since i first started

still, howhumbling

[Anonymous No.22609219]

>>22609215
man is it so much more satisfying to remove words than to add words
I know most writers have the opposite problem and I wish I could merge with them into the perfect writer
but I just have a hard time getting into an additive mindset

[Anonymous No.22609260]

>>22608852
i am reading your book

[Anonymous No.22609266]

>>22609260
thank you very much
even if you don't leave feedback, I understand that's feedback in itself and will keep working

[Anonymous No.22609292]

>>22609266
>not leaving feedback is feedback
No it's not. You can't distill meaning out of silence, you can only make guesses in the dark.

[Anonymous No.22609315]

>>22609292
No one cares fag
>>22609266
Don't worry bro I got your back

[Anonymous No.22609384]

>>22609315
Go back to making wild assumptions based on literally nothing loser

[Anonymous No.22609454]

>>22609384
nigger

[Anonymous No.22609459]

>>22608852
>>22609260
read chapter 1. some feedback while we're probably all still around,
seems great. the worldbuilding is interesting and i appreciate your vocabulary, complex ideas, and colorful descriptions.
however, it may lack clarity. long, complex paragraphs/sentences and grammatical booboos contribute to that.
despite the details you go into in some areas, other things are perhaps too vague (like the sci-fi stuff-- the train, relative to the aegis, the godray, etc.). parts of it didn't seem believable, between the speeds described and how visible it was, but i skipped ahead and saw that this is touched on later.
also the first chapter reads a bit like a prologue, the way it isnt explicit about anything and leaves me with more questions than answers. and then the 2nd chapter is about someone else.
maybe me dumdum.

[Anonymous No.22609498]

>>22609459
thanks for the feedback—lots of things to think about
>however, it may lack clarity. long, complex paragraphs/sentences and grammatical booboos contribute to that.
yeah—the idea is to evoke oldish sailor story prose so that the reader understands that the book is essentially about a shipwreck
>other things are perhaps too vague (like the sci-fi stuff-- the train, relative to the aegis, the godray, etc.)
I tried pretty hard to avoid dumping world building in chapter 1, but balancing that with setting up these elements to be expounded on later has proven difficult.
>also the first chapter reads a bit like a prologue, the way it isnt explicit about anything and leaves me with more questions than answers. and then the 2nd chapter is about someone else.
I see what you mean. The whole novel swaps back and forth between the two viewpoints, but I can see it being frustrating if chapter 1 isn't really satisfying in itself and then I cut off to something different. I'll think about it.

[Anonymous No.22609641]

>>22609454
ywnba writer

[Anonymous No.22609651]

>>22607560
Read. Talk to people. Live life. I have more ideas than I have time and energy.

[Anonymous No.22609665]

>>22609651
cringe

[Anonymous No.22609694]

can't believe the guy who wrote confederacy of dunces killed himself
sad way top go for a guy that basically wrote 4chan culture before 4chan was a thing

[Anonymous No.22609695]

What's up with anons who use excessive em dashes? What's wrong with commas and full stops?

[Anonymous No.22609703]

Once again OP, your choice of image is just terrible. Hunched/asymmetrical shoulders, little blotches on the skin that are supposed to be freckles (?). Basic bitch occult symbology tattoo way too high on her (his?) neck. A background of doo doo stained bath tiles.

Just stop writing AI prompts please.

[Anonymous No.22609710]

>>22609703
I second this.

[Anonymous No.22609719]

>>22609665
I accept your concession.

[Anonymous No.22609728]

>>22609695
The only problem with the em dash is that it completely changed effect depending on the font. They read great in TNR but if suddenly it's a monospaced font, they lose all their power.

[Anonymous No.22609815]

em--lets will never understand

[Anonymous No.22609818]

[Anonymous No.22609824]

>>22609818
>19k words today
Christ.

[Anonymous No.22609848]

>>22609818
The most I wrote in one day, in recent memory, was 8,600 words. I'm sure I could reach Sanderson levels of productivity if I didn't have a blood-sucking day job.

[Anonymous No.22609910]

>>22606348
Consuming and rapacious are not of the same register to begin with, and they don't mean the same thing in this context. Consuming introduces some playful ambiguity between the verb and the adjective. Rapacious is unmistakably a quality of the darkness, full stop. Consuming is extremely common and informal. Rapacious is formal and extremely uncommon. Your readers might not even know what rapacious means. Your work might not even be appropriate for the use of the word rapacious. Lastly rapacious has more meanings than consuming, it's not at all appropriate to use rapacious in such a short meaningless passage where the darkness isn't even the focus of the action and thus not the target of some misplaced philosophical dissertation bordering on sophism about how darkness is... dark. Dude, like, shadows are the absence of light and they like, stretch and shit... Like, forever... Dude...
"They floated down into the darkness." is perfectly fine btw. If there's nothing particularly meaningful about describing the darkness then your work only suffers from meaningless overuse of adjectives. If you have something to say about the darkness then it might just sound better if you say it afterwards and at some length rather than to throw a limp-wristed adjective as if every noun and sentence must have one.

[Anonymous No.22609926]

>>22609818
damn. I struggle to write a 1000 words a day, I worry about every one. guys a machine

[Anonymous No.22609997]

the wandering inn, litrpg series is at ~12million words since it's start in 2016
this comes out to >4k words/day
apparently it's not terrible either

for ref. the wheel of time is ~4.4m words.. harry potter is ~1m

[Anonymous No.22610008]

>>22609997
The author of Worm is infamous for being able to churn out 10k words a day with barely a typo or grammatical error to be seen. Some people are just built different.

[Anonymous No.22610056]

>>22609695
People don't know how to use semicolons and a common misconception is that it's used when you need something longer than a full stop and shorter than a comma. This comes from the pause that each is meant to afford while reading; ironically enough the em dash can be used as an improperly used semicolon for the purposes of replacing commas and full stops. Em dashes have other uses and they noticeably don't have any rules, so you could easily confuse the shit out of your readers if you start replacing colons, parenthesis and adding interruptions to dialog while you're at it.

[Anonymous No.22610345]

What the fuck is it with you people and word count? I don't care if you write 100 words or 100,000 as long as they're interesting to read.

[Anonymous No.22610351]

>story completely went off the rails
>have no idea what the fuck the story is anymore

What do I do?
>scrap everything?
>continue to write and fill in the holes later
>create new chapters to link it all together
???

[Anonymous No.22610353]

>>22610345
shut the fuck up, retard

[Anonymous No.22610366]

sorry that was uncalled for

[Anonymous No.22610386]

Started writing my novel today. Got three whole pages with some cool world building and exposition laced with a bit of poetic metaphor and some fun dialogue introducing the first two main characters and their relationship and hinting a little bit at whats come. I'm actuary doing it. I'm gonna make it bros.
I just wish I didn't have to painstakingly type it all out using my mouse and the windows on screen keyboard

[Anonymous No.22610396]

>>22610386
>exposition in the first three pages
OMG YOU ALREADY FUCKED UP!!!!

[Anonymous No.22610398]

>>22610386
What helped me when developing my first works was writing by hand. Try it some time and see how it feels for you, give it a couple of days and I bet you'll start to notice the benefits.

[Anonymous No.22610421]

>>22610396
by some I mean like two paragraphs. i haven't gone and info-dumped a page worth of lore right off the bat or anything like that. tempting as it is, im hoping to fill out everything i can via dialogue.

[Anonymous No.22610426]

>>22610386
>calls it world building
ngmi

[Anonymous No.22610440]

What is better when transitioning between scenes in a single chapter?

>single transitioning sentence
or
>space to indicate a passing of time

[Anonymous No.22610447]

>>22610440
* * * *

[Anonymous No.22610467]

>>22610353
>beats your 1M word epic novel with my 20k word novella

[Anonymous No.22610470]

>>22610351
Take a break. Work with one of your other stories.
You do have other stories, right, anon?

[Anonymous No.22610474]

>>22610386
>worldbuilding
>exposition
>poetic metaphor
>character introductions
>no mention of drama
my nigga writing a flop

[Anonymous No.22610477]

>>22610440
for me it's

[Anonymous No.22610514]

>>22610474
i wanted to open with a fairly dramatic bit but i thought it would be better to have some dialogue first, though cut with anticipation, so the action wont start until page 4 and wont get really peak overtly dramatic until chapter two a couple pages later

[Anonymous No.22610517]

>>22610514
Anon, do you know what drama is?

[Anonymous No.22610521]

>>22610517
an exciting, emotional, or unexpected series of events or set of circumstances.

[Anonymous No.22610529]

>>22610521
And where does that unexpected, emotional excitement arise from?

[Anonymous No.22610554]

>>22610529
i dont know. my first paragraphs are somewhat modeled after anna karenina where you start right off the the bat with the introduction of a very simple premise relevant to the overarching themes, which is meant to instantly knee-jerk provoke all sorts of memories and feelings in the reader. this flows into the establishing of the conflict which kickstarts the story,and the first dialogue, which in my case i used to try to establish some tension while setting the scene.

i do wonder if its a bit bloated though, with some descriptive stuff that could stand to be pushed back a few pages

[Anonymous No.22610579]

>>22610386
>type it all out using my mouse and the windows on screen keyboard
Are you fucking insane?

[Anonymous No.22610590]

>>22610579
yes

[Anonymous No.22610595]

>>22610554
The answer is conflict anon.

[Anonymous No.22610750]

Is it bad that as a high fanasty writer that I can just go "I wanna write something else" when I get bored of my main story so I just focus on another area and make a new story?

Is this a normal thing high fanasty authors do, it seems perfectly normal lore wise and as a writer all your hard work is in fact not for nothing

[Anonymous No.22611076]

>>22610750
why did you share this particular image?

[Anonymous No.22611174]

Writing contest, where all submissions must start with the line "It was the farthest north they had ever been." Can go any direction after that.

Is it too short? Is it shit?

[Anonymous No.22611229]

>>22611174
If the contest is in English, I recommend writing in English. It doesn't mean great success for you if the judge goes "blah-blah" every other word.

[Anonymous No.22611237]

>>22610750
If you write one kind of aimless trash and then branch off into writing a different kind of aimless trash, I doubt anyone will even notice what happened.

[Anonymous No.22611242]

>>22610590
Look up where to call when you get carpal tunnel syndrome while your hand still works.

[Anonymous No.22611251]

>>22606175
I've been told that my works feel very anime or otherwise manga-esque. What does that mean?

[Anonymous No.22611264]

>>22611229
Okay, pretend their names are Erica and Yvette

[Anonymous No.22611300]

>>22611174
>he called not one, but two towns futa
>japanese names, set in Japan
>Germany mention, unironically Evangelion
Dishonourabre dispray! Disemboweru yourserf, now!

[Anonymous No.22611336]

>>22611300
The stop I lived at was called Nishifutami, and I just chose Germany because my coworker lived there

[Anonymous No.22611345]

>>22611264
I'm not in the jury though

[Anonymous No.22611361]

>>22611345
Is it really gibberish? What if I changed the setting to the Midwest or Europe? At that point I may as well just scrap it entirely.

[Anonymous No.22611561]

>>22611251
Why don't you post some?

[Anonymous No.22611619]

>>22611251
>>22611561
yes, please share. it could be a good thing or bad thing.
it might mean you lean into certain tropes and focus more on story than prose.. that can be ok. it might also mean you're a retard

[Anonymous No.22611650]

I don't know what to write.
When I force out words I don't like them and quickly reach a standstill.
When I try to use structure or ideas from writing books books I feel like I'm not qualified to write yet because I still can't come with my own input.
I'm so lost

[Anonymous No.22611659]

>>22611361
It's not really gibberish. I wouldn't go blah-blah because it's intelligible.
The jury might not really care but that's different.

[Anonymous No.22611757]

>>22611361
Them being japanese in japan and talking about germany in english just comes across as absurd and makes any standard, rational adult roll his eyes. You could change all the names for western equivalents that EOPs can actually pronounce and nothing about the story itself would change. The less potential obstacles there are for the reader to stumble on, the better your chances to actually get anything out of the contest. Because the writing itself is boring, so you start to pay attention to these unnecessary elements.

[Anonymous No.22611782]

>>22611659
he is overexaggerting, but i've watched like 2 seasons of anime and never known characters names, because their nonsense name is autofiltered by my brain like every time.
probably the same idea

[Anonymous No.22611790]

>>22609703
You're a real whiny cocksucker, you fucking know that anon?

[Anonymous No.22611927]

>>22606175
How good is this description, is it interesting?
>Sunk between narrow mountains is an ancient city, its white walls august like the best of its kings, its palaces older than the venerable sages of the green river; the legacy of uncounted centuries of imperial enlightenment weighed down upon it like a majestic crown of gold, silver, and jewels. Tended to like an exquisite garden by the rulers, the city remained as beautiful as it ever was for all its imperial existence. Not a trace was left of the dismal little settlement that existed before; even the crude name given to it by its savage inhabitants had long been forgotten. This city was Veii'Telzna.

I feel like I may be using too many semicolons.

[Anonymous No.22611963]

>>22606175
So, I'm new to both reading books regularly and writing. I basically started reading this year but I've had ideas for stories for a while, as I'm sure most people who regularly consume media do in general. I'm a bit insecure about starting on the writing front tho since I've never really studied literature and while I know that's not actually pre-requisite to be an author I still feel lost since I worry I'll make mistakes that are considered common knowledge.
So what's some of the most basic advice you'd give for a total beginner like?

[Anonymous No.22611998]

>>22611927
I don't really care to police your style—use all the semicolons you want
the second sentence is just redundant with the first and also "for all its imperial existence" makes it seem like you're talking about something that no longer exists which conflicts with "is an ancient city" in the first sentence indicating that it's still around
the third sentence has two content issues
1) there's an unpleasant discordance between the imagery of the ancient fairytale palace which has existed for "uncounted centuries" and then the drop that there was also a thing before it which we don't even know any details about and yet know existed for some reason
2) I can't tell if the tonal change is meant to imply that they do know everything about the "settlement that existed before" and are just embarrassed by it or if it's implying that the heaping praise for the city preceding it was unearned or in some part just lies. Either way, it's not achieving whatever effect you want it to achieve

[Anonymous No.22612020]

>>22611927
seems alright,
but it was a little jarring.
if i were to be overly critical..
>narrow mountains
what are narrow mountains? ..why.. are narrow mountains?
>white walls august like the best of its kings
are the walls really notable enough to liken them to kings? is the king's role symbolized by the role of a wall? is the fact that they are white significant as well?
>palaces older than..
old guys, or ancient folklore characters?
>; the legacy of uncounted
this sentences is getting long, and the meaning being lost
the imagery of the castle as a crown in the valley works though. if that's what you were going for
>tended to like an
do rulers tend to the gardens? i mean they might, but..

[Anonymous No.22612033]

>>22611963
turn your brain off and write. you have to write, and you have to fail.

[Anonymous No.22612056]

>>22611242
i already have it

[Anonymous No.22612117]

I'm an ADHD ridden zoomer and can't stand sitting silently to write but I worry listening to a youtube video or even music would be too distravting, any advice?

[Anonymous No.22612122]

>>22612117
Go outside and write in a park

[Anonymous No.22612132]

>>22612117
If you could write this post, you can write.

[Anonymous No.22612226]

Do y'all tend to have a lot of ethnically diverse characters?

I'm white but for some reason I gravitate towards having hispanic/latino characters in primary roles. One of my main characters is latina/korean.

Not that I don't have white characters, but I have more non-white than white.

[Anonymous No.22612244]

>>22612226
Funny, this is me but in reverse; I'm a spic who mainly writes white characters because I gravitate to classical settings like britain and old america, hell even if I write about the south american region that means there'd be whites involved because of the colonies
I don't think there's anything wrong with it, tho some wokescolds/polfags might give me and you shit respectively but really if the writing's compelling normal readers won't care

[Anonymous No.22612257]

>>22612244
My location is mostly a fictional island city somewhere in the bering sea south of kodiak island.

It's a melting pot city so a lot of my characters end up being really diverse.

[Anonymous No.22612316]

Is one big giant island or multiple islands better for my story? The general idea is that on this secluded area of the world fighting is the key to living. With this mindset groups of fighters/warriors takeover territories. In the modern day this is still intact but of course with business. This is all very whimsical with swords, martial arts and sci fi stuff. The main area where the MC lives is in a very neutral area that isn’t taken over by the groups.

[Anonymous No.22612345]

>>22612316
I'm using an island so you can't use an island. Change immediately.

[Anonymous No.22612369]

The wind caressed the young lord’s hair as he stood there a top the world; looking at the gas lamps glimmer in the distance; thinking them stars in this cloud shrouded night. His father’s, or who he thought was his father’s, words looming over his thoughts.
“My son, can a man not care for the sapling who’s seeds he didn’t sow? As he nurses him into a tall proud tree, higher than all the other?”
His distant gaze looking at everything but at nothing all at once, while he stood pensive on that rock that stood tall enough to see past the wall’s that guarded the garden.
“Has my lord lost his appetite or is he just fond of making us wait?”
A grin and soft eyes met him as Amapola looked up to him. Were it not for the 8 month old bump of her belly she may have climbed the rock to be at his side already; she was always the faster climber of the two, though it was funny; not even his wife could truly reach him in this moment.

That's my introductory scene for the story I'm working on, any thoughts?

[Anonymous No.22612492]

Just started writing again. Please be gentle.

https://pastebin.com/rD9k9xSk

[Anonymous No.22612508]

>>22609818
I'm writing a serial and even at the worst fucking quality of prose I can shit out I can only do 2000 before being exhausted. If I have all day to do nothing but writing I can do MAYBE 4500 words. I just don't see how it's possible to write 19,000 words of trad-publish quality genre fiction in a single day.

[Anonymous No.22612589]

>>22612508
brandon has been writing for a decade plus and he doesn't have to do much else, I can see him pushing out 2k an hour for 8 hours (of course spaced across the day)
and also this "trad-publish quality genre fiction" is a meme, nobody pushes out that on their first go, its all edited to death and beyond instead of this meme "i just write high quality words" thats going around

[Anonymous No.22612597]

>>22611650
me too buddy, keep your chin up :)

[Anonymous No.22612612]

>>22606175
I am spending three days in a forest cabin to finish my story. No internet or phone. Wish me luck.

[Anonymous No.22612626]

>>22612612
establish a habit anon, it will serve you better than that

[Anonymous No.22612645]

>>22612369
Seems like cuck garbage.

[Anonymous No.22612687]

>>22612492
>AI image
Disregarded.

[Anonymous No.22612691]

you have decades to write your first book but only a year to write your second

[Anonymous No.22612702]

>>22612691
shut the fuck up

[Anonymous No.22612746]

>>22612702
I refuse to be silenced

[Anonymous No.22612850]

Where would you anons go from
>It was the farthest north they had ever been.
My initial response is to subvert it.
>It was the farthest north they had ever been. And it would be the farthest they'd get.
But I don't know if that's what everyone else would think to do also. So, do I stick with where I imagine the line 'should' lead me?
>It was the farthest north they had ever been. And they went farther still.
God I hate shared prompts.

[Anonymous No.22612904]

>>22612316
You literally described Wuxia.

[Anonymous No.22612908]

>>22612850
try to do what the readers would like and forget about subverting anything, if you might not understand what it is your subverting its best not to

[Anonymous No.22612940]

>>22612226
I do what makes sense for the place and period, although 90% of the time I just flat out never mention the characters' race unless it's important.

[Anonymous No.22612953]

>>22612226
All my characters are white European; I write to escape multi-ethnic hell, not revel it.

[Anonymous No.22612957]

>>22612940
I like to give my characters full family trees.

"Abbie's father was born into a poor American-Hispanic family and joined the army after he turned 18 to escape his financial situation. He was stationed in South Korea, where he met is wife."

[Anonymous No.22612966]

>>22612226
Mine are probably caucasian or asian at least. I leave ethnicities intentionally vague and with Eurocentric names. I have a few korean and Chinese but it isn't important. Most of the earth north and west of Indochina is thoroughly glassed leaving a populace of Aussies and jungle asians, most of the setting takes place in space and space habitats.

[Anonymous No.22612982]

>>22612904
After reading Wuxia Novels, I thought about writing a Western Wuxia set during English Civil War and making all of the commanders martial arts experts, because that's literally what wuxia stories do. They pick a time period of Chinese History, read up/know about all of the figures at the time (usually rebellion leaders or major figures of the time), then invent an entirely fictional martial skill that makes them a superhuman fighter. It's a mix between 50% historical figures and 50% madeup.

Some of the tropes in Wuxia would be like me writing Baldwin the Leperr as a master of poisonous skills who can rot even metal to slush through his excellent martial arts skills.

[Anonymous No.22613123]

>>22609824
Ikr? Think most I've ever done is 10k and it needed the motivation of a new year approaching to make it happen. I tend to stay well under 3k most times.

[Anonymous No.22613132]

>>22610008
His story is also otherwise just rubbish for people who want edgy big brain superhero literature. So badly written, in fact, the guy has an absurd amount of WoG because he doesn't give enough information in the story itself...

[Anonymous No.22613163]

>>22612226
I guess? My current series is largely split across multiple major continental ethno groups before then being further split down by species with its shifting main cast.

[Anonymous No.22613368]

For the pseuds still strutting over "muh literary fiction", here's a history of the category: https://www.thenation.com/?post_type=article&p=462448

[Anonymous No.22613457]

>>22611998
Fair point on the second sentence part.
>" makes it seem like you're talking about something that no longer exists
I am, the empire I allude to does not exist anymore.
>which conflicts with "is an ancient city" in the first sentence indicating that it's still around
The city may be old but the empire that built it isn't around anymore, I must rework that sentence to better reflect that.
>1) there's an unpleasant discordance between the imagery of the ancient fairytale palace
It's not meant to be just a palace, I'll have to change it up to better illustrate the city, another paragraph should be enough.
>then the drop that there was also a thing before it which we don't even know any details about and yet know existed for some reason
the slaves had to come from somewhere. But your point is very fair and I'll take it into account. Keep in mind this is an excerpt.
>2) I can't tell if the tonal change is meant to imply that they do know everything about the "settlement that existed before" and are just embarrassed by it or if it's implying that the heaping praise for the city preceding it was unearned or in some part just lies. Either way, it's not achieving whatever effect you want it to achieve
Thank you.
>>22612020
>but it was a little jarring.
Fair enough.
Thanks for the ambiguity nitpicks, it helps.

[Anonymous No.22613730]

>>22606175
This is the opening section of a book I've recently started writing. Any critiques are welcome. I wasnt sure how long of an excerpt was appropriate, but I can post the next section if this isnt long enough.
https://pastebin.com/mLVJM5yH

I continue by moving from character to character in the scene, focusing heavily on their sensory experiences in the strictly consistent order of smell, taste, hearing, touch, sight. I intend to then break this pattern, reversing the order and switching from 3rd person to first person in order to occasionally explore a character's deeper thoughts. Character action is spread throughout, but focused with dialogue in a 6th paragraph. The purpose of my excerpt is to establish the scene and some vague basics about what happened immediately prior. I want the first chapter to establish setting, characters, the main conflict and stakes, and leave little threads for the different themes and things I want to weave into the broader narrative. I havent used this board before, so apologies if I broke any etiquette by mistake.

[Anonymous No.22613736]

>>22611927
I think it's very interesting. There are lots of little tidbits of information that grab my attention.
>the venerable sages of the green river
>the little settlement that existed prior
>the empire that seems to have faded away
There are lots of little teasers for lore of broader scope. If I had any criticism to give, its that Im not sure if "the rulers" that tended to this city like a garden are the same rulers that were "the best of its kings" or instead other monarchs who saw value in the history of the thing after the empire had passed. I might be overthinking, though.

[Anonymous No.22613747]

>>22611650
>I feel like I'm not qualified to write yet
Its not a job, there is no qualification beyond the ability to read and write some amount of written word. Come up with a scene you want to share, or an idea youd like to communicate, and then just find every way you can think of to put it to words. An exercise I like to do is finding some painting I dont know anything about and then just start writing a description of it. Language is a tool for expression; Not just the words, but the shape of them, the order, the choice, the sounds, the context, the grammar and syntax, the punctuation, everything about language is something you can use to express something. Stop thinking about it, and just put something down. It doesnt need to be perfect, it just needs to be yours, and thats art enough for the best of them.

[Anonymous No.22613846]

>>22612850
>It was the farthest north they had ever been. And that's a good thing!

[Anonymous No.22613850]

>>22612508
The most I've ever done is 12k in a day and I felt sick for 3 days after that.

[Anonymous No.22613900]

>>22610440
man im having trouble with this. im at a point where it feels like there should be a natural pause, like the end of a chapter, but doing so would leave me with two >5 page chapters which just seems unacceptable. i can already tell that this whole section is going to require a very thorough reassessment and i just want to get it over with and move on and deal with it another day

[Anonymous No.22614055]

how the fuck do I write the first part of a murder mystery without massive info dumps?
The case itself and the plot from the beginning of the murder all the way to the final scene is clear to me, but introducing the detective and 'giving' him all the information of the case before he gets there - this is the part I am struggling to make interesting.

[Anonymous No.22614070]

>>22614055
Dialogue
>Slickjaw: damn... Eighth mailing this week.
>Shoehorn: think it's the same guy?
>Slickjaw: nah, the bite marks are on the poor saps dick. Don't think our killer likes dicks.
>Shoehorn: can't be sure of that. Suspect may be trying to throw us off the trail
>Slickjaw: nah, criminals are a cowardly and superstitious bunch. If they don't do the same thing, they'll Believe anything from ghosts to devil worship.
>Slickjaw flipped to page five of his notes. He shook his head in disbelief there was possibly another killer loose. The dead body of Tyrone Biggums and the body the found yesterday didn't match the modis operandi of the killer Slickjaw was looking for. The bite marks were too messy, too jagged, and, too feral. Biggums cock was sucked out and ripped off by the shaft, and didn't have the clean dismemberment of the others. Slickjaw scratched his head wondering what sick motherfucker could possibly suck someone's cock so forcibly it tore off from the body.

[Anonymous No.22614071]

>>22606314
Rain doesn't really tap on a branch like that does it though? Rain is arythmic whereas the tapping of a secretary is rhythmic percussion. Also the 'leafiness' of the branch is inconsequential.

[Anonymous No.22614072]

>>22606348
"They floated down into consuming darkness." is preferable imo.

[Anonymous No.22614075]

>>22614070
kek, this is the way I'm going right now - the superior giving the details of the case on the way to the crime scene, but that's what feels boring to me.
I guess I need to find way to make that dialogue interesting for it not to be an 'info dump'?

[Anonymous No.22614082]

>>22614075
No need. Just have the MC review their notes then comment on things. You should get into your character's head and assume he's competent and doesn't need walls of text from a metal gear solid call.

[Anonymous No.22614086]

>>22614082
This is a good point, it will help to make them seem smarter to the reader if they come to the conclusions themselves. Thanks anon.

[Anonymous No.22614160]

>>22612226
The series I'm currently working on takes place in the modern world and focuses on a Hispanic protagonist and his family. So, most of the main characters are Hispanic, at least until the second book where the world and cast expands. I'm a bit worried about it since Hispanics apparently read the least of any other race/ethnicity.

[Anonymous No.22614176]

tried THAT popular 'ai cowriter'. fucking thing SUCKS.
that is all

[Anonymous No.22614205]

>>22613730
I appreciate this for revealing to me that neither sensory detail nor rigid structure are sufficient for engaging narrative. It gives credence to my own theories on fiction.

As for critique, you may want to vary your sentence structure a bit. Almost every sentence begins with [Adjective] [Adjective] [Noun] [Verb].

[Anonymous No.22614660]

>>22612226
>y'all
Nigger.

My main character is from fictional caucasus, another is a turboaryan, then another is another mountain sandnigger fictional caucasus man.

[Anonymous No.22614668]

>>22614205
>I appreciate this for revealing to me that neither sensory detail nor rigid structure are sufficient for engaging narrative
But I specifically said this was just setting a scene! So of course the narrative isn't in it, the point of the excerpt is to paint a picture. The narrative I'm putting together comes after this section. I would argue that there is plenty of story in the detail being give though. The 3 characters, the haze from the incense, the dead man with a hole blown through him, and just the details like the giant man breathing with the sound of hydraulics and the state of the apartment I thought would all be effective at communicating information about the scene and the characters in it that I could expand on as I continued.
>Almost every sentence begins with [Adjective] [Adjective] [Noun] [Verb].
How else would you suggest I describe things with sensory imagery? I see your point though.

[Anonymous No.22614778]

Please add the invite to the next /wg/! NaNoWriMo is almost here!

https://discord.gg/KQdBkTCV

[Anonymous No.22614782]

>>22614778
Oh and there will be a special prize. Please include this because it will be a special time and ends November. This is already shaping up to be a NaNo like no other. Let’s make /wg/ history together!

[Anonymous No.22614793]

>>22614782
>Oh and there will be a special prize
It better be a sloppy toppy from head femoid.

[Anonymous No.22614896]

>>22608167
>>22608167
You could increase the clarity there a little:
>His rubber shorts clung to his legs as tightly as his fist clamped around the hilt of his weapon.
Otherwise good work anon, I was just kidding about the slop part. I don't get the riddle but I'm guessing I need more context.

[Anonymous No.22614975]

>>22613730
I did analyse your work but you're not actually doing enough to carry through your idea of exposing the senses of each character. Merely sticking to a rigid sentence structure (and you kind of don't anyway) isn't enough to actually denote that's even what was meant to be understood by the reader since at face value they're just descriptions of the scene; the closest you got to that was three successive similes but you still managed to use "though" twice, thus ruining any sort of distinction that could be gleamed from their overuse. You're not writing poetry so the number of sentences isn't the most noticeable thing and even poets know what a figure of speech is. If you want to actually execute this properly I would recommend employing figures of speech meaningfully to give away the three perspectives. Fix the similes, use a better anaphora and break it at the last sentence, only employ distinct onomatopeia without any other adjectives or adverbs for each of their perspectives, rhyme on different syllables, etc. It should also be noted that the sight portion should break the previously established patterns straight away because that would make for a much smoother introduction of the characters. Sight is usually one of the easiest senses to describe and you clearly have more than just 4-5 sentences to say about it.
Besides that your actual writing is too rigid; your sentence structure has very few variations and they often start something like: thing, the thing, thing; you employ too many adjectives which can have the opposite effect; and a combination of all of that is that you do follow somewhat of a noticeable pattern throughout like someone else pointed out. Rigidity can be intentionally employed like you did in the first paragraph but even on the largest one you're still not very far away from what you were writing like previously.
Finally, the consequence of your structure and motif is that you're writing far too much information in too short an amount of contextual time for anyone to care about or remember. The three different points of view also clash with a unified description of the scene so one has to wonder if it's enough for you if I just remember that it's a cramped shitty apartment that's all moldy and smells like different flavours of shit. There's better approaches but I reckon that if you wrote all of that you'd actually want it to matter rather than the reader summarising it from bits they remember. But that can't be achieved without intertwining actions with experiences, which you can't do if you decide to continue with that structure. At least until you're done with all the sections that need to be extremely rigid.

[Anonymous No.22615107]

>>22612982
>I thought about writing a Western Wuxia set during English Civil War and making all of the commanders martial arts experts
Kek.

[Anonymous No.22615115]

>>22615107
Why do burgers seethe so hard about us bong bros? I like the fats, why can't we be friends.

[Anonymous No.22615119]

>>22614896
The riddle seems to be something sexual "his rod was below his naval"
Yea ok.
>rubber shorts
This is fetish shit isn't it

[Anonymous No.22615145]

>>22606314
I tried to rewrite this but I’m not even sure of your point ? Is the rain bored ? Is the branch important somehow ?

[Anonymous No.22615147]

>>22606175
After graduating, I've come to realize I squandered the abundant free time college afforded me. Now stuck in an endless loop of waging, little energy remains in me at the end of the day to put words to paper. Yet, I must persist, as must we all

[Anonymous No.22615149]

>>22615115
I'm not burgundian. My hate for the perfidious albion people is mostly ironic.

[Anonymous No.22615166]

>>22615147
just wait until the bad days become bad weeks become bad months become bad years

[Anonymous No.22615171]

Jason Bryan can finish and release two books and he's a schizo meth head burnout drug addict loser... what's your excuse?

[Anonymous No.22615187]

I wrote about a character for 2 hours in a cafe, and later when going home, I met someone looking just like her, down to :
-skin color
-hair
-jaw structure
-nose piercing
-the boots she was wearing
-the yellow coat she was wearing
-the overall demeanor


I just read about Phillip K Dick having weird encounters with events he wrote
https://urbigenous.net/library/how_to_build.html

What gives ? Is writing really Magick ? Am I Transurfing into different realities ?

I'm writing characters that have suffered through a lot, but only pains I could personally handle as a writer, fearing I would manifest their sorrows into my life. Is there actually some truth to that ?

[Anonymous No.22615219]

>>22612226
>y'all
>reddit spacing
>faggot
every time

[Anonymous No.22615228]

>>22606348
They floated down into the darkness

[Anonymous No.22615255]

>>22612850
>It was the farthest north they would ever be.
>Never had they been this far north.
>It was the farthest north they had ever been, yet their journey had only begun.
>It was the farthest north they had ever been, yet they must go further still.

[Anonymous No.22615264]

>>22614975
There arent 3 different points of view. This is just setting the scene, and there are 3 characters who are described at the end as part of the scene.
>you're not actually doing enough to carry through your idea of exposing the senses of each character
because nothing from that excerpt is describing the sense of a particular character
>sticking to a rigid sentence structure (and you kind of don't anyway) isn't enough to actually denote that's even what was meant to be understood
the sentence structure is not the pattern Im trying to repeat and then break. Its the order in which senses are described that is the pattern, at a paragraph level.
>even poets know what a figure of speech is
>I would recommend employing figures of speech meaningfully to give away the three perspectives
can you explain why a figure of speech is superior to the physical description of the sensory experience of standing in the room?
>to give away the three perspectives
there are not 3 perspectives. the three characters get a focus in later excerpts of similar length, each, as they all act in the scene which this excerpt sets
>Fix the similes
how? whats wrong with them? the only thing you say is that they are overused, but why is that the case? why is it bad to have 3 similes.
>for each of their perspectives
there is not three perspectives. is this because of how I explained the text proceeds from the excerpt or is there something about the excerpt that leads you to believe this?
> the previously established patterns
this excerpt is an example of one full iteration of a pattern I'm trying to repeat. There is not a sentence level pattern I'm trying to create deliberately beyond being as vivid in the description as I can possibly be.
>but even on the largest one you're still not very far away from what you were writing like previously.
because like I said thats not the pattern Im trying to create and break.
>you're writing far too much information in too short an amount of contextual time for anyone to care about or remember
"filtered" but more seriously in response, my goal is to pack in as much information as I can. I'm deliberately trying to make it as dense a description as I possibly can. If a person reading decides they don't like that style, and want something that moves faster instead of focusing on the atmosphere of the scene, than thats perfectly fine. But I happen to think that just writing "it's a cramped shitty apartment that's all moldy and smells like different flavours of shit" is unimaginative and boring.
> you'd actually want it to matter
it matters insofar as capturing the moment as completely as I can, moment to moment. If your saying its not good because the smell of the air isn't important for the plot I think we just have differing philosophies. Im not of the mind that details are only important when they have a direct connection to the core plot. Though the ideas ive gotten about using the sentence structure too are great, thank you for that!

[Anonymous No.22615269]

>>22612850
I would create a character named North They.
>Very late capitalistic set up
>North West became president, died, and the nuclear war happened
>So North They is a very valid name in that world
>They don’t even use capital letters in that world, no punctuation in the sentences
>north they finds a metal engraving, treat it like a rune since she can’t read
>it is a road sign saying stop


Something like that

[Anonymous No.22615273]

>>22615255
Can't change the first line. I assume it has to end in a full stop too, would be much easier if I could throw a comma in.

[Anonymous No.22615287]

>>22613730
>The thick, cloying scent of vinegar penetrates every crevice of the space. The pungent, languid narcotic hanging in the air leaves a heady feeling on all caught within the grasp of its stupefying tendrils.

What shit opening is this? Total garbage. Stopped reading.

[Anonymous No.22615295]

>>22615287
Thank you for your helpful criticisms. Why you dislike it is not important, I guess I'll just give up :D

[Anonymous No.22615317]

>>22615295
>https://pastebin.com/mLVJM5yH

I was overly descriptive with my first book, City of Singles, here, let me re-write it:

Vinegar's thick scent fills every corner. The narcotic air stupefies. Acrid smoke, like stormy seas, masks a stronger odor. Blood's sharp tang lingers. Foul mix of excrement and ammonia. A fresh corpse's deep stench.

Reading your work is just like reading too many words, writing, to stay fun, just needs to get to the point already.
>writing in 2023
Don't take it personally, writing itself is dead, culture is all top-down bullshit now and nobody from /lit/ will ever influence culture.

[Anonymous No.22615344]

>>22615317
>Vinegar's thick scent fills every corner. The narcotic air stupefies. Acrid smoke, like stormy seas, masks a stronger odor. Blood's sharp tang lingers. Foul mix of excrement and ammonia. A fresh corpse's deep stench.
I don't like the shorter sentences, it makes it feel too quick. Its supposed to feel lethargic and heavy.
>I was overly descriptive with my first book, City of Singles
Reading the sample, I wouldn't say you are too descriptive. I think the first paragraph moves at an enjoyable pace, though if you want a criticism I'd prefer it if your sentences were longer. But thats really just personal preference on my part, I really prefer slower things that linger on stuff.
>culture is all top-down bullshit now
I dont understand what this means or why its important enough for you to have said it
>and nobody from /lit/ will ever influence culture.
why do you think my goal is to influence culture? I just want to write a story that lingers on vivid descriptions of scenes and moves slowly through limited action. I would like to get very good at capturing the atmosphere of a scene. I like to play with words. If I ever finish what I'm writing, maybe I'll try to publish it, but thats not really my aim. I also dont really want to write the same way as everyone else.
>Don't take it personally
Im not, Im just genuinely confused as to the feedback Im receiving. The only thing I've managed to get out of the responses to far is a cool idea for playing with sentence structure on top of my original plan, which I hadnt thought of before now.

Does everyone here write in the same exact way? I feel like your rewrite loses a lot of information.

[Anonymous No.22615350]

>>22615187
baader meinhof phenomenon, probably. we can go with magic though

[Anonymous No.22615364]

>>22615344
>I feel like your rewrite loses a lot of information.

I feel like less is always more, too much dwelling on one scene can cause the story to slow down too much.

Here is my 2nd book that everyone on /lit/ roasted me for the opening paragraph:

https://www.amazon.ca/Shitkickers-Jason-Bryan-ebook/dp/B0BZXY9HLV

>Why do you think my goal is to influence culture?
Don't all authors want to connect to other people's minds?

>I dont understand what this means or why its important enough for you to have said it
While I am giving you criticism of your writing, I also want you to know nothing anyone writes matters anymore, so write however you like!

>I really prefer slower things that linger on stuff.
Understandable, I always feel like the opening sentence should have some deeper connection to the overall narrative of the story.

https://www.tckpublishing.com/book-opening-lines/

Of course, none of the above advice matters, because writing as an art form is pretty much dead. All the writing that people get exposed to in 2023 is just propaganda shit, nothing bubbles up organically anymore. Everything is algorithm shite.

>Its supposed to feel lethargic and heavy.
Okay, how about:

The room was saturated with a thick, cloying scent, as if the very air had absorbed the essence of vinegar and refused to let it go. It clung to every crevice and corner, a pungent, narcotic haze that left a heady weight on those ensnared by its stupefying tendrils. A faint, acrid smoke meandered through the space, tickling and burning the nostrils, like a turbulent sea tossing its waves in a vast and tempestuous dance.

Yet, amidst this suffocating, misty swirl, a more sinister odor prevailed. The sharp, coppery tang of blood hung heavy in the air, an unmistakable presence that no one could deny. It mingled chaotically with the rank stench of excrement, as if the two had engaged in a macabre dance of their own, and a stale, musky hint of ammonia only added to the assault on any brave enough to breathe in deeply.

And beneath it all, like a secret too dark to be ignored, was the deep, rich scent of a fresh corpse. It enveloped all who were present, an undeniable reminder of the unforgiving passage of time and the inescapable circle of life and death that loomed over them.

[Anonymous No.22615370]

Trying to write my first (short) story, I hope I don't fuck up and make it too long. First "chapter". Any red flags?

CHAPTER I

"Oh my god, is that a fucking corpse?"

"I just don't see it happening man. How is a man gonna ride a donkey? Like, teens like us,
sure, I can maybe see that; but a full grown man-"

A young man's face twists in confusion before his voice interjects his friend's argument.

"Johnny!"

"Yo, what's up man?" A young man named Johnny asks, alarmed.

A finger is raised from one of the two young men and points towards a particular direction in the dark forest they were previously walking through. The young man's other hand guides the body of clueless Johnny to face a point of possible interest.

"..."

The young man's guidance goes to waste. There is no commentary from Johnny.

The second of the two young man, Ken, wrestles his own disbelief before steeling his patience and allowing Johnny to discover the disturbance on his own.

Johnny, frustrated, places his hands on his hips, still staring. He almost turns back to Ken, but his stare turns... dubious after seemingly catching something.

"..."

"......"

"........"

"Oh my god, is that a fucking...!"

CHAPTER II

[Anonymous No.22615377]

>>22615295
:D

[Anonymous No.22615403]

>>22615370
There's no scene here let alone chapter.

[Anonymous No.22615406]

>>22615370
>Any red flags?
lol, yes. all sorts.
keep writing it. after, try and find a book with similar themes and read it with your writing in mind.

[Anonymous No.22615408]

>>22615403
>>22615370
"Well, my goodness, is that a deceased individual?" gasped one of the young men.

"I just can't fathom it, my friend. How could a grown man possibly ride a donkey? I mean, for teenagers like us, I suppose it's conceivable, but a full-grown man?"

The young man's face contorted in bewilderment before he intervened in his friend's argument.

"Johnny!"

"Why, what's the matter, my dear fellow?" Johnny inquired, looking alarmed.

One of the two young men raised a trembling finger and directed it toward a specific spot in the dimly wooded expanse they had been traversing. His other hand gently turned Johnny's bewildered form to face the point of potential interest.

"..."

However, the young man's attempt at guidance appeared to be in vain, as Johnny remained strangely silent.

Ken, the second young man, grappled with his own disbelief. He steeled his patience and allowed Johnny to make the discovery for himself.

Johnny, growing increasingly frustrated, rested his hands on his hips and continued to gaze intently. Just as he was about to turn back to Ken, his gaze shifted, and his expression transformed into one of uncertainty.

"..."

"......"

"........"

"Well, my goodness, is that a deceased...!"

[Anonymous No.22615409]

>>22615370
How old are you? Have you ever actually read a short story?

[Anonymous No.22615410]

>>22615364
>nothing anyone writes matters anymore
nihilism isnt cool, anon! :^)
>I always feel like the opening sentence should have some deeper connection to the overall narrative of the story.
It does, it just seems like everyone expects the whole plot to unfold in 5 paragraphs. Most of the point of the entire work are these atmospheric descriptions. Also, the deeper connection is thematic.
thick -> heavy, burdensome, overly present
cloying -> sweet, rich, sentimental (all excessively)
penetrates every crevice -> everywhere, omnipresent
This will persistently describe lots of things
>as an art form is pretty much dead
you seem really jaded
>Okay, how about:
I dont understand really why my style is wrong. Also youve changed to past tense!! Also the corpse is hardly a secret. The man has had a hole blown through him, splattering across the wall behind, just sitting there stinking up the place while the characters occupy the studio.

[Anonymous No.22615414]

>>22615408
kek, AI garbage but a little bit funny.

[Anonymous No.22615418]

>>22615410
>I dont understand really why my style is wrong.
It isn't... keep going, just don't expect anyone to acknowledge your writing but your inner self. Writing is the least cool, least impressive art form in 2023. The only writing people actually sit down and read is propaganda shit that has been spoon-fed to them by the algorithm and big book.

[Anonymous No.22615421]

>>22614055
beginings are a pain in the ass man. you have everything planned out clear as day but you still have to get over that hump of bringing your characters together and establishing the setting in a way that is engaging and flows well, just so you can start to tell the story you want to tell. pain in the ass

[Anonymous No.22615424]

I'm back to thinking my book is okay again.

[Anonymous No.22615425]

>>22615410
>you seem really jaded
Writing is a completely dead art form, I suggest you go to "Writer's Fest" style events and just wander around, talk to people. It will jade you up something good.

[Anonymous No.22615430]

>>22613730
It's a bit purple and you tend to over explain but I don't hate it, I just don't overly enjoy it either. My advice would be to remember that the reader needn't know what they needn't know.

[Anonymous No.22615748]

Took the advice of /lit/ and rewrote a passage i posted here with some changes. What do you think? Good? Bad? Any advivce is welcome

[Anonymous No.22615857]

>>22615748
Unreadable

[Anonymous No.22615864]

>>22615857
>>22615748
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Discomfort-Evening-WINNER-BOOKER-INTERNATIONAL/dp/0571349374/ref=sr_1_1?qid=1697662583&refinements=p_27%3ALucas+Rijneveld&s=books&sr=1-1&text=Lucas+Rijneveld&asin=B07YM4W1D8&revisionId=e47bff0d&format=1&depth=1

Easily as well written as the 2020 Booker prize winner.

Don't listen to the faggot crab anon.

[Anonymous No.22615872]

>halfway through writing a short story
>during a break I visit a thread and learn about a book
>it literally has the same premise and it was very popular in asia and europe
how do i cope?

[Anonymous No.22615875]

How is this?

> Amidst the enigmatic realm of the frosted pineapple forest, where squiggly shadows played tricks on the minds of all who ventured within, there existed a particularly perplexing duck named Sir Quacks-a-Lot. He waddled along the marshy terrain, flapping his translucent marshmallow wings in a manner that would leave anyone puzzled.

> "Good heavens," quacked Sir Quacks-a-Lot, "I simply must decode the cryptic musings of that sentient alphabet soup over yonder, which some refer to as the Supreme Overlord of the Cosmic Crouton Consortium."

> Just as Sir Quacks-a-Lot was about to embark on his quest, a rather obnoxious and verbose tadpole, sporting an ill-fitting top hat and monocle, interrupted. "Ah, Sir Quacks-a-Lot," it ribbited condescendingly, "why on earth do you bother with such folly when we could discuss the existential merits of mayonnaise sculptures while riding unicycles made of existential dread?"

> Sir Quacks-a-Lot blinked in befuddlement, "Well, you see, that's precisely what I'm trying to decipher."

> As he soared through the kaleidoscopic soupverse, Sir Quacks-a-Lot found himself in a peculiar encounter with an inverted purple unicorn. "Iay eakspay nlyoay inyay igpay Atinlay," it snorted, sending Sir Quacks-a-Lot into a spin.

> Finally, he reached a singing yam who moonlighted as a third-rate philosopher. "I ponder, therefore I yam," crooned the yam in a tune that resonated with baffling profundity.

> Just as Sir Quacks-a-Lot attempted to respond, a sentient spoon named "Spatulothar the Confounder" descended. "Beware," it clanked ominously, "for I hold the wisdom of 17 forgotten civilizations."

> Sir Quacks-a-Lot could only quack, "Why, oh why, must you confound me so?"

> The spoon began to chant discordant lullabies filled with unsolvable paradoxes, and as the cacophony reached its peak, Sir Quacks-a-Lot felt himself transform into a puddle of existential ooze.

> In the aftermath of this surreal encounter, the Cosmic Crouton Consortium gathered around the puddle. "Behold," exclaimed the sentient spoon, "our new Overlord, who shall usher in an era of existential brooding!"

> The puddle gurgled incoherently, and thus began an era of cosmic befuddlement, leaving all who heard this off-putting tale pondering the mysteries of existence

[Anonymous No.22615882]

>>22615857
But why?

[Anonymous No.22615884]

>>22615864
I haven’t read the book, but thank you so much anon. I appreciate it. :)

[Anonymous No.22615885]

>>22615882
He's baiting you.

[Anonymous No.22615889]

>>22615884
Read the first couple pages. It is complete shite, but the author is a fucking weird zippertits tranny so of COURSE they are going to win prizes and be celebrated.

[Anonymous No.22615898]

>>22615885
Ay, alright :(

[Anonymous No.22615903]

>>22615872
Every repost is a repost of a repost, anon.

[Anonymous No.22615906]

>>22615889
I see. I’ll trust your word on it. It’s okay if my writing is shit, I guess I can always improve

[Anonymous No.22615920]

David was in fact not called David, but Felix at birth. A sudden outbreak of philosemitism in his adolescence that lasted thereafter motivated his change of name, although it was quite clear that this was devoid of any religious conviction. Jewish friends would often be taken aback at his casual knowledge of the Hebrew calendar, holiday dates, nuances of religious observance in Judaism and yiddish turns of phrase. Smiling incredulity often greeted these supposedly instant recalls of semitic arcana, which David received with good and smooth grace.

However seemingly harmless, David's private enthusiasm was not without negative counterbalance. At a mall on a Saturday, David's close friend Levi had unfortunately discovered this as he noted David's sudden reaction to a family of vaguely east asian passers by. As David repeatedly looked back to them as they walked on behind them, Levi asked him if anything was wrong; No clear response beyond a muttered affirmation was given back, but Levi could not help hearing the words "Those fucking Inuits" under David's breath.

[Anonymous No.22616025]

>>22615920
>all this exposition

I hate it.

[Anonymous No.22616035]

Marlon Raye was a man of few words, of which the syllables I love you was the furthest from his lips. The words were distant as if at the rims of an ocean when one is right in the middle of it. No, rather the man wore love on his hands and feet. He wore it in his day to day living. His actions. His hands toiled day and night in his joinery shop in upkeep of his family. If he found pain in another, he wrestled it away with a piece of candy, or a gift from his joinery shop, or a word with the oppressor should there be unfortunate one, and I say unfortunate for when he reprimanded you in his soothing, barritone speech, you felt like an imbecile to have done such a deed. Arrested by his few sprays of wholesome wisdom, it was as if the world and everything in it was pulled away from under your feet and you floated there barren and naked and with every defect on your body magnified to obscenity. And in your once-oppressor-now-victim state he may even grab you by the neck and drag you through the vineyards for a silent and calming walk at the end of which you felt a new man ready to see a better tomorrow, holding a more respectable reflection even in the greasiest of mirrors. He was a man of action. Words he spoke little. That was all until that courtesan Maye Feil strutted into town all high-chinned and with an aptly steered derriere entrancing you as if a flutist's snake. Eyes looked; mens' eyes, womens eyes, I even caught the priest's eyes holding her cola-bottle body for a second too long. Marlon looked. Of course he did, he was a man after all. He couldn't flick a switch to poof away his visceral aches. Then Marlon's lips found a new source of energy. And we all knew what the source was, the whole town knew, even his wife and children deciphered it. What a stick of dynamite this Maye Feil was to be for that family.

[Anonymous No.22616041]

>>22616035
>Marlon Raye was a man of few words, of which the syllables I love you was the furthest from his lips.

This is a great opening line.

>>22615906
Just finish your first book and shit it out. I think if any of us want to be writers, we need to just keep putting out work and not worry about what people think. If you take time to read the "award winning" books, you'll see they are mostly total shit but have some sort of propaganda role to play. They're not books, they're propaganda, like interracial kisses in fast food ads.

I watched a football game with my waifu last week, during the game there were 4 interracial couples in ads, it was pretty over-the-top. Just standard shite for 2023.

[Anonymous No.22616099]

Can I have antisemitism presented in a neutral, even heroic light? Like an antisemitic protagonist who has the embarrassing secret of loving bagels, facing off against an actual evil kike who wants to see the goyim eradicated?

[Anonymous No.22616101]

>>22616099
Maybe if you do it real subtle.

[Anonymous No.22616178]

>>22606722
>>22606912
>>22609910
>>22614072
>>22615228
After consideration of everything you guys said, I went with rapacious. Consuming is cliched and all-encompassing sounds like a college brat fresh out of a writing course. The darkness is suppose to be a living thing and voracious, in the context it's given.

[Anonymous No.22616195]

>>22615119
No. No it's not. I couldn't think of a way to say he had swung so fast there was no time to perceive it.
I don't know why I used rubber shorts though, I shouldn't have done that. But just so we're clear, his whole thing is that he's a lightning elemental.

[Anonymous No.22616208]

>>22609219
Same. There's something so satisfying about seeing a giant chunk that means nothing and adds nothing and cutting jt off.

[Anonymous No.22616259]

My first novel is 120k words and even that's mostly a lot of summaries, like
>"Right here, they have a conversation that lasts for a while debating over their differences in values".
When I rewrite it, what should I do? Actually expand on the scene as I had intended to do originally, even if that causes me to careen headlong into a thick, long wordcount?

[Anonymous No.22616276]

>>22616259
Split it into two volumes? Wait to see what it looks like at the end of your first proper drafting though, you might cut some scenes.

[Anonymous No.22616339]

>>22614793
She's waiting to give you your prize. Just imagine what it'll be like once she takes out her dentures.

[Anonymous No.22616343]

>>22615171
He has lots of time to write, being homeless.

[Anonymous No.22616353]

>>22615875

[Anonymous No.22616492]

>>22616353
Is that good?

[Anonymous No.22616498]

>>22616195
I mean do whatever you want, if rubber shorts are part of your vision keep it, but it just came across as some weird fetish writing to me for some reason.
The vagueness, "the rod below his naval", the weird stocky description of the dude: I pictured Peter Dinkladge in a rubber diaper

[Anonymous No.22616559]

>>22616492
It's very purple.

[Anonymous No.22616581]

>>22615264
I misread what you typed after the link as it being what you wrote and not what came afterwards. Still this does not actually make it better, if anything it makes the whole thing worse.
>sentence structure
You did 4 (5), 4, 4, 4 sentences on every paragraph with the last paragraph still going through 4 (5) sentences before introducing anyone. You claiming that this was not a deliberate pattern is extremely worrying and why I brought up poetry where sentence counting is not unusual.
>figures of speech
Since your employment of 4 sentence paragraphs had nothing to do with individual character perspectives there's nothing to be said about it.
You asked why they were superior to paragraph level repetition when I was referring to your sentence number repetition, but I'll answer both of these questions in one go: they're superior because they're far more flexible and can be employed at the sentence level, often with very little of the actual phrase being the figure of speech in question; whereas you would have to purposefully format your entire text in a certain way to convey meaning through those other methods.
The use of three similes is bad because unintentional repetition is for the most part frowned upon whether it's starting your sentences the same way, using the same words too close to each other (not properly employing synonyms, pronouns or other ways to refer to the same thing), or in this case stylistically choosing to employ too many of the same figure of speech for no reason. All of these are mistakes that beginners make while writing. Initially I thought that the similes were there to call attention to the three non-existent perspectives but using "though" twice ruins that or any sort of flow you could have gotten out of three similes. Three comparisons, in a row.
>patterns
Paragraph level patterns are not the only patterns you can employ, that's an extremely narrow view of what you can do in writing. Currently you're not really doing anything at any other level. You're not creating synergies, weaving meaning.
>"filtered"
I'm not "filtered", you're using so many adjectives to the point where double adjectives are part of one of the more distinctive patterns in your writing. What you're doing is exposition dumping. There are authors that take entire pages or more describing scenes but this style is extremely outdated and the passages sometimes put people to sleep. It's a valid stylistic choice. If you want descriptive overload there are far smarter ways to go about it other than pounding peoples heads onto walls made entirely of double adjectives. Descriptive scenes don't actually require that every noun need an adjective in order for it to be rich with information. So if the overuse is intentional then how exactly is a non-descriptive passage in your work supposed to look like? I doubt that I wouldn't see those double adjectives being used all over. The weakness of overusing something is that it gets boring.

[Anonymous No.22616767]

>>22616498
He's sort of supposed to be proportioned like this

[Anonymous No.22616800]

>>22615264
>philosophy
This isn't a matter of philosophy. A lot of what I'm talking about are things that beginners do, things you don't yet have the sensibility to look out for or didn't even know you were doing. If you want to center your paragraph structure on a theme, go for it. If you want to have long descriptive passages, go for it. If you want to inch from moment to moment, go for it, maybe it works for your story.
I don't add variations to my sentences and words, employ figures of speech, use adjectives sparingly but meaningfully or write in 3rd person objective because it advances the plot of my story. I don't bring up the smell of the air when it doesn't matter because I haven't constrained myself to having to bring it up in order to make a paragraph level theme work. I don't bring up what my characters think because I've constrained myself to 3rd person objective; I have to show what they do, I work around with the limited information that my narrator has, I stop myself from writing anything that slips thought or felt emotions, I rely on body language and facial expressions, how they react, word choices, all of it builds context and the reader's own experiences puts it all together. Schopenhauer said that reading is like thinking with someone else's head instead of your own, and for the most part he's right. Most writing does not require you to think with your own head, there's nothing to think about, you're fed the answers because the answers are what the writer wants you to read. Ambiguity and uncertainty are not conductive to most perspectives, let alone writing styles. The closer that you and I are on a philosophical disagreement is whether you should really go through with those paragraph level structure and repetition around the 5 senses. Everything else I've pointed out are all things that you could do better or fix and have no impact on what you're fundamentally trying to do, merely its execution.
>don't repeat the number of sentences throughout paragraphs unless you're trying to say something via that repetition;
>look into ordering the components of your sentences differently, mix them up, don't have them feel extremely rigid;
>figures of speech can be used to add meaning beyond what is written, use them thoughtfully;
>adjectives can be overused which causes them to lose impact and/or meaning, try reading what you wrote but skip over every adjective.
I'll rewrite one of your double adjective sentences: "On top of the behemoth of a man is a little girl, built like a yardstick, she is almost no match to the chest cavity that she's kneeling over."
There's 1 adjective (don't quote me on that), everything that you wanted to say is included and an antithesis, simile and hyperbole were used to achieve this effect. Do enough of this or that and you'll have variety in what you write as well as how you write it, that can only reflect better on your whole work, not less.

[Anonymous No.22617144]

>>22615748
It was generic before, now it's hysterical. The narrator compares the baby to an "untuned lute" and then acts like there's a great emotional investment. You took wrong advice and made the worst of it, while completely ignoring the things I told you to focus on. The point of the big choice is lost in favor of pathetic sniveling and melodrama. The baby disappearing like an illusion makes the MC look like a fucking retard for stabbing herself. The only good part is that it's clearer to read than the original, faster over.

[Anonymous No.22617168]

[Anonymous No.22617178]

>>22617144
No I actually did use your advice, if you were the one who told me to discard dialogue to add "visions". I did it in the part that precedes this excerpt. I'll post it, if you care to read it. I guess I wanted advice on the action scene, but it's too melodramatic? Too much unimportant shit?

[Anonymous No.22617312]

My gay short fiction was just excepted into a small but somewhat well known magazine!!!!!

[Anonymous No.22617329]

>>22617312
Of course it did I should just change the genders in my story that I'll get it published.

[Anonymous No.22617335]

>>22617329
oh come on anon be happy for me

[Anonymous No.22617339]

>>22617335
It's not you I'm mad at it's the publishing industry as a whole.

My one published story was massively degenerate as well.

[Anonymous No.22617341]

>>22617312
Congrats anon! I hope you make it big

[Anonymous No.22617345]

>>22617339
Sex sells. Im not gay myself but i recognize you have to pander a little bit.

Such is life.

[Anonymous No.22617350]

>>22617345
Still feels like a shame particularly when I think my best writing is biographical.

One day for a writing competition I wrote this thing with lesbians and cannibals and BOOM! second place and a small chunk of money.

You can get a little hung up on that stuff but I do feel like you get a pass for subpar work writing gay fiction.

[Anonymous No.22617351]

>>22617178
>if you were the one who told me to discard dialogue to add "visions"
No, I wasn't. And nigga, if you thought baby sacrifice was a good idea, I have nothing more to add here. This is starting to look more like a game of splitting the watermelon, than you writing a story.

[Anonymous No.22617353]

>>22617312
>was just excepted
Congratulations SIR

[Anonymous No.22617356]

>>22617350
Oh for sure. I knew it when i started. I wanted something pithy and cliche so i almost fest i had to make it gay.

Again there is no use complaining, such is life. If you want to publish high art then you better be so damn good that no editor can turn you away. odds are you aren't.

[Anonymous No.22617359]

>>22617351
Look, why are you so mad for no reason? I took some advice and discarded other that I didn’t think would fit. If you think the story is shit is fine, really. I appreciate the fact that you read it nonetheless and took time to give me your opinion. Idk what splitting the watermelon even means lol

[Anonymous No.22617366]

>>22617356
I'm not complaining... well I guess I am a little, but only mildly.

Again, congratulations. I'm out here desperately trying not to be the shock Gore writer. Because you do it once, fair enough but after that it becomes expected of you.

[Anonymous No.22617368]

>>22617366
I understand. I think early on you take what you can get. Im already planning more gay fiction

[Anonymous No.22617374]

>>22617312
Do you have an agent can you tell us how you went about getting your work looked at

[Anonymous No.22617375]

>>22617312
>>22617374
Congratulations by the way

[Anonymous No.22617376]

>>22617374
lol no agent just submittable.
I tend to horde work throughout the year and only send out the really good stuff.

That would be my advice. It's not as good as you think, Sit on it .

[Anonymous No.22617377]

>>22617376
Easy for you to say I've been sending out articles on the war, those have to be up to date

[Anonymous No.22617379]

>>22617376
>>22617377
Yeah ill say that quantity over quality has done me well. I send out 15 small things a week. Something usually gets through.

[Anonymous No.22617384]

>>22617359
I'm not mad. I assure you, my emotional involvement in this is very close to zero. I'm just saying things as they are.

[Anonymous No.22617387]

>>22612226
Man who gives a shit motherfucker what are you gay? Write whatever characters you want, now fuck off

[Anonymous No.22617396]

I have some work to post, can anyone make a new thread?

I'm phone posting and this one's maxed out.

[Anonymous No.22617415]

>>22606175
>check pastebin for recommendation
>Books Analyzing Literature
>no Auerbach Mimesis

[Anonymous No.22617417]

>>22617396
Same.

[Anonymous No.22617656]

>novel is written in third person at a glance
>later it's revealed that it's in first person from a character who talks in the third person
Could it work?

[Anonymous No.22617668]

>>22615872
You can't imagine my disappointment when I found there exists entire manga and now anime for basically the backstory of one of my main characters.

[Anonymous No.22617782]

>>22617396
>>22617417

New thread:
>>22617780
>>22617780
>>22617780

[Anonymous No.22617788]

>>22617656
Bob Dole said it worked for Bob Dole.

[Anonymous No.22618413]

Go here
>>22618339
>>22618339
>>22618339

[Anonymous No.22618684]

>>22616259
> Right here, they have a conversation that lasts for a while debating over their differences in values
>Then, they debated for hours.

[Anonymous No.22618772]

>>22618684
No, you don't understand, this is supposed to be one of the pivotal scenes.