/lit/ - Literature

>>9810718

A Jew walks into a bar; the barkeep says, "Why the long nose?"

The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door.

>>9810731

suck my cok faget

>>9810718

I have a knock knock joke for you, but you have to start it.

>>9810731
>>9810736
IT'S BOB SAGET!

>>9810731
Couldn't you combine the two clauses instead of seperating them with a period?

>>9810744

hahaha bob saget hahaha once upon a time there was a big FAGGOT NIGGER and his name was BOB SAGET yepp that's ME motherfucking cunts! hahahaha yeah you're payin me to say my name! hahahaha...

have u ever heard this obscure joke called the aristocrats? heehee

This is my thread now.

>>9810731
/thread

Hillary Clinton and the leftists lost despite every single media outlet, politician, celebrity and foreign government supporting and funding her campaign.

>>9810718

One went in, one became two, one went out.

A hamburger walked into a bar: how ridiculous.

>>9810781
>Hillary Clinton
>leftist
>campaign
>leftist
>Hillary Clinton, every single media etc etc
>lost
fucc off

you clearly know nothing about politics

>>9810718
The state of u

Did no one find my joke funny?

>>9810718
/lit/ is a place of wise kindred-spirits, where quality is found and forged, drawing from the works of old and new, across the seven seas.

Bugs...

Why the fuck didn't the skeleton cross the road? To get to the other side.

>>9810718

It took me a long time to save up this much money -- I couldn't give my son a birthday, I couldn't go out to eat with my wife for months, I couldn't repair my car after it was keyed -- but I was able to buy a ticket to the DNC watch party on November 8th, a ticket to Hillary's Inauguration (front row!), and since I had money left over, a superbowl ticket (my Falcons are goin all the way!)

CRASH

We adopted a Labrador Retriever!

For sale: baby shoes, never worn.

The man was a member of the prestigious Nationally Inducted Good-Guys Eradicating Racism public speaking group, and was a proud nigger at that.

I wanted to get rid of unwanted moles, and tried not to gasp when I saw how she looks now.

heres mine let me know if you like anything

For Jeffery dohmer, even light cardio is an insane workout.

GQ magazine had a competition to determine which fashion designer makes the sharpest suit. The first place and second place winners had a tie.
from the antisocial architect: "I have trouble building and maintaining relationships"
When no one is around humming birds become singing birds.
I once had an idea for a revolutionary anchor. The only problem was, we couldnt get our idea off of the ground.

>>9810976
>mild
>pico
>medium
>hot
>literal shit

>>9810718
Genitals don't define gender.

>>9810718
bugs... easy on the carrots.

>>9811045
*gentiles

I'm With Her.

Democrats 2018: I mean, have you seen the other guys?

>>9810785
t. butthurt democrat

>>9811136
Ok, you're just fucking retarded.

>>9810731
Was it the horde of thirsty sluts waiting to engulf his cock?

Decibelle is Dat Polymath Transgender, And Boi, She Bout To Do It! (BTFO Some Alt-Right Nu-Males, That Is!)

My friends always yell at me for being a backseat driver, but hey, what can I do? I've got long legs.

This place is dignified. Everyone here is going to have a happy ending.

>>9810731
I can imagine this playing out like a Seinfeld episode, a guy finally finding peace from his wife by somehow living in a world all by himself, then she knocks on the door, followed by stock laughter and the seinfeild theme playing.

>>9810976
The hummingbird one is fantastic

The rest meh

>>9810814
I genuinely chuckled

Hillary Clinton's entire life was a build up to becoming the first female President of the United States and Donald Trump beat her.

Wow... If you were recorded like this and put on the internet you'd be everyone's favourite- Oh just give in and enjoy your new life as a cum dumpster!

>>9811546

It was pretty hilarious watching hillary supporters get the smug grins wiped off their faces. They pretty much all assumed they were going to win right up to the end.

It might be something I shouldn't say, but oh well. I'm a racist, always have been. Some races are inherently superior to other races, it's just science. To be honest, some races shouldn't even exist and are totally worthless. When's the last time someone chose to watch NASCAR over Formula 1? Never happens. It's the truth folks.

>>9810731
fpbp

>>9811056
Kek

You're a big guy

There are black people and then there are niggers

this board is dead

>>9810731
spooky

>>9810731
/r/writingprompts

>>9810718
This>>9811619
Is supposed to be stand up OP. Can you rate that joke please.

>>9811298
This is not a /rym/ general

Ahhh, I see. /lit/ is devoid of humour

>>9813636
Write something original and funny or delete this post immediately..

>>9810718
CRASH!

>>9810874
Underrated

>be me

bib bib bicu bicu big man jeans apron velho chest machine poopy diarrhea smell stinky xd dog eat my poopoo

poopy pants
diaper smell

schoolhouse 1st grade xd xd stinky bib rotten diarrhea in pants xdd play with furry pet hamster balls diarrhea on hamster xdd teacher smell poop in my big man pants xd sent to principal office principal smell poop i poop in face xdddddd

play with smelly poop mom toys!!!!!!!!!!!! bib bicu bicu diaper diarrhea smelly stinky xdd dirty shirt diaper leak full of stinking diarrhea xddd sprey poop on tv xdd eat pet goldfish lol

xddd daddy smell pee in big fat poop diaper lol like big babby smell xd

eat pooopy mom food!!! sniff dinner plate xd poop on table xdd diarrhea on mom shirt xddddd like binky babby big big bicu xd lol

xddddd diaper stinking in bed xddd wear big man jeans full of rotten stink poop xddd lol like babby leak xdd on apron like velho chest stinky poop machine lol

stinky stinky poop on dog face xddd dog eat my weenie xddd

play with furry pet dog butt xdd poop on dog face barf sniff like great big babby fart xd

binky babby fat poop diaper lol mom smell poo in diaper xdd change diaper diarrhea explode in face xxddddd mom cries like big babby poop on daddy face lol xd

binky babby food like big man smell xdd hike poop on blackberries like velho chestmachine poopy diaper on trail xd dad change on cow i poop cow xdddddd diarrhea stinking beans fart xdddddddddddddd

balls in diaper xdd sweaty balls full of stinky poop diaper leak xdd poop in bed ruin covers xdddd

stinky pooop xddd poop in recess kids run away xddd rub poop on teacher big stinky babby fart lol poopy pants full of stinky diarrhea

xd toilet paper stuck in butt xddd covered stinky rotten poop xddd like babby smell velho xd poopy pants in big man jeans xdd underwear diaper leak stinky smelly poopy diarrhea lol

>>9810718
Donald J. Trump, the 45th and 47th President of the United States

>>9810718
zoo-we-mama

And the 2016 Nobel Prize for literature is awarded to. . .

>>9814290
*record scratch* yep that's me. Bet you're wondering how I ended up in this situation. Well it all began back in 1959.

>>9813504
please guys

Two NSA agents walk into a bar. The bartenders says hello gentleman, first time here? the men reply yes it is. The bartender says great, would you like to hear our specials. the agents go no thanks we heard them earlier.

i is therefore i is

The only vegetable you shouldn't take into a boat with you is a leek.

Your ghey bro

>>9810718
"Jesus wept."

>>9814630
jesus what a cry baby...

My teacher, bit of an asshole. Now he has shit in his mouth.

A beast God made, in semi-human figure,
Filled it with vice, and called the thing a Nigger!

The good the dad the hood the bad the mood the everything of life a bastard lied a lay or slay or kanye bowl a rowl a Rawls theory just is justice modern thought wept wept wept truly Krept preppy style fuck that bitch in doggy style stylish british girls pussies puppies duck tales original vinyl discs disco pop modern Einstein rofl dota 2 play 4 free bastard ol dirty

>>9810795
I did fins it funny
I love u

"So as I strapped Billy into the wall-mounted chair and fastened the seatbelt, I said to him 'Buckle up, chum!' and he had this look of horror on his face he wouldn't stop struggling and I know it must've stunk a lot worse than when I had it done to myself, but I said 'That's what my father did to me and that's what I am doing to you!' to which he shouted back at me 'But I'm sixteen, dad. I'm fucking sixteen!'"

>>9814332
Made me laugh.

I'm bloo pilled instod of red pilld

Man found dead with broken neck, adjacent trampoline.

Your imitation flavour is tofu.

>>9814752
thanks, a chuckle or a hearty laugh

push me to the edge, all my friends are dead.

>>9814788
Something in between

Hey guys, Ive been thinking alot about writing a book- a zombie apocalypse book that is unlike anything that has ever been writen or directed, I know it sounds like Im a stupid faggot thatll just end up making a shit book that doesnt even get published, but its not like that; Give me a chance and Ill show you anons that my idea is worthy of your time- If this thread is successful Ill write the first chapter of it on here, Although it'll be the only chapter I share because I dont want anyone stealing my ideas: So, if you read my book eventually and it has the same first chapter you know that the idea started on here first

>>9814902
Alright go on.

>>9814828
thanks, i feel like youre being nice tho kek

"Poo Poo, KAKA, Pee pee, lol dookie in my bunghole hehehe, GAAAAAAYYYY. lmao FAGGOT, BRRRRRRRRP"

>>9810741
Knock knock

>>9815298
who's there?

>>9815471
Moot

>>9810781
All trumpfags can do is brag about winning the election because this presidency has been so unproductive and shitty. Now THAT is funny!! :))

>>9810929
This is funny dude

>>9810781

The nationalists thought they were electing a blood and iron defender of western civilization when they were actually supporting a melting baked potato neocon with Alzheimer's who rots his brain with TV and constantly shits into his old man diaper.

>>9814902

PRetty funny dude

>>9815482
I'm just gonna skip this step and go ahead and say the punchline.
>kys, Newfag.

Someone rate my joke>>9811335

this is one of the worst threads on /lit/

>>9810731
old

Not to brag, but...I'm currently nearly 500 pages into Ulysses and finding it quite deserving of its reputation among the cultural elite. Indeed it is my bedside table book currently, but that is simply because I do not spend many hours of my daily life apart from it. Joyce, while hopelessly erudite to some, is truly a beacon of enlightenment for me, an opportunity, finally, to commune with a worthy mind.

>>9811335
>>9815623
I snickered.
8/10, would laugh out loud if the joke was presented by a comedian.

>>9810718
>LION OF THE SEA SINKS CHINK IN DRINK: "CHINKS STINK," SAYS SEA LION, AND WINKS
-Anonymous

>>9810731
Kinda kafkaesque desu.

>>9811619
Underrated

The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door.

It was a woman. They came to find that they were the last man and woman on Earth.
"I suppose we should breed to further the human race," the man said.
The woman considered for a moment. "Hmm. Are you rich?"
"Rich?" said the man. "That's ridiculous. Money has no value now. Of course I'm not rich."
"I'll take my chances," said the woman as she left.

>>9816324
thanks

>>9816325
Bars

>>9814331
oh thats really fine qliche

What you call a security guard whose always sleeping? A gnarkoleptic

>>9816857
*nark-oleptic

>>9810928
Slightly underrated.

The flight plan I just filed with the agency lists Smee, Maimen, Dr. Pavelhier, Button Lee, Juan O'Veus, Virs Juan, Tatakh, Getsda Stae, Onmai Aircraft, Wu Pait, Yuu Tugrab, Dr. Pavel, Heed Iddent, Flai Sogud, Hu Wan, Stu Trainex, Telmi Abautbane, Waidus Hee, Werda Mask, Lotta Lo'Yadee, Farra Hyredgun

*farts*

my potential

>>9814689
I like this one, it's very good. Not hilarious but the twisting of the prose in the first sentence is great

This is the best of all possible worlds.

>>9810729
i shouldn't have laughed but i did

>>9814902
I'm a cuck for zombies so pls do

>>9811588
I'm not a Trump supporter but if you don't find that funny your sense of humor might need calibration.

>>9816331
>Kafkaesque and desu in the same sentence
I kek'd for some reason.

DFW is a talented writer

>>9810718
Donald Trump just announced that he's banning shredded cheese. He was quoted as saying "We're going to make America grate again.".

Breaking News: The Bank of England has lost the Pound.

>>9810785
“I always tease David that he finds all of these nerd virgins and locks them away in a vault where they never see sunlight or have a drink or get laid. But God Bless them!”

At his store's grand opening in Newark last night, one of many stops to come across country, eco conscious magnate Philip Petite exited the festivities after making a bizarre closing statement. He said, “I have had conflict in the fashion industry for as long as I can remember. It comes with the territory. However, never in my life has a rival company caused me such anguish. Animal rights are ALWAYS priority. Animal rights are OUR rights. Those who breach these laws of conduct are guilty of high treason. To be able to do such things with no remorse, to me is the sign of complete apathy, equivalent to demonic possession.

Rumors are surfacing that the enigmatic prose is directed towards their main industry competitor, Lucy Fur. Lucy Fur has been in contention with Petite's company since both of their Genesis.

Bugs...

>>9810928
Good old Nicanor.

>>9810718
You had an arse full of farts that night, Nora

>>9810718
A horse walks into a bar, he is an alcohol and its killing its family

>>9810718
We should all equal.

>>9819792
*all be equal

I should pay more attention to what I'm typing.

>>9819792
>>9819798
First one was funnier.

>>9814187

"/lit/ was right."

>>9820014

Dont you bring that evil on me

>>9818583
Rate this, someone

>>9820544
no

>>9810718
President Donald *DRUMPF*