/lit/ - Literature

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>>916587

so how is this supposed to make me feel

>>916616
It was inspired by the Gift by Hadiz poem written in the 14th century about the love between the Sun and Earth. I wanted to create a darker, more fatalistic take on it.

If it doesn't hit home with you, then clearly it needs improvement. But I can't decide how you're supposed to feel about it; that isn't how it's supposed to work.

Let's start with the "first word check:"

The, As, And, For, Or, It, It, And, Our, And, That, And, The, When, Everything, His, And, His, That

It's a piece of shit, OP. Throw it away and start over.

>>916641
Duly noted.

However, I should've amended this post with "I want criticism pertaining to its overall diction and emotional effectiveness."

I'm 18 and not at all versed in the methodology of creating sound and laudable poems. So I'm not really up to "throwing it away", as you so deftly put it.

I liked it

>>916660
Thanks.

>>916654
You should be ready to throw anything you write away. Gabriel Garcia Marquez once lost four years of his writing when a housekeeper threw out the wrong pile of papers. Hemingway lost a large collection of what he considered his best ever stories, written over a period of about five years, when his suitcase was stolen on a train.

Both thought that the experience made them better writers. If you can't get rid of one 19 line poem that took you maybe 20 minutes to write, you're doing it wrong.

The best writers know how to trash what they've written to get a fresh start and fresh angle on an idea. Many write the same story multiple times, always starting from scratch, to try and flesh out the idea from as many angles as possible.

You cling to 146 words like precious jewels impossible to replace. Get over yourself. Become a better writer - be willing to try again, and again, and again to make your writing not suck.

>>916685
Noted

>>916641
What does the first word check actually show me?

>>916635

Well the meter is pretty weird, especially the ends of the first two stanzas.

I don't really have the effort needed to make clear suggestions and explain my choices, but consider it like this.

The Sun, vibrant yet desultory, falls every day
As the soldier ants vie in its shadow for crags and borders
And the blue and white workers toil under collars
fighting their own battles
For love and truth,
Or furious nothings.

It lashes fair necks,
It hardens russet skins,
And it exposes the faces of the pitiful constructs
Our homes and hearts.

And when it lowers below the fringe,
That separates reason from madness,
And light from dark…
The people gather to take count of the fallen.

When it strikes the wanderer with breaking rays
Everything loosens,
He exults and languishes in his end.
His feet slip, and his parched throat whines,
And he falls in his shadow to die;
His body resting in the small lake of darkness
That will be an ocean nigh.

>>916685
*takes a deep breath* I'm sorry, but I honestly cannot take a word of what you said seriously after I noticed that you paid absolutely no attention to my already clear implications that this is NOT a poem of mine I particularly value.

There is no point throwing it away. I'm not going to be rewriting it. I'm simply exercising a muscle that I haven't in a long time. Just thought I'd share.

>>916699
double double 69, it's like a fucking orgy train.

anyway, good general advice for poetry (from published poets [no I'm not telling you faggots]) is keep good, solid meter, use short lines for emphasis, cut as close as you can.

>>916695
The first word check shows how repetitive your phrasing is, how uncreative your idea is, how unvaried your language is, and finally how dull your poem is.

>>916708
Err, brainfart. I MIGHT be rewriting it.

Haha, I get so flustered when I'm in a furor.

>>916714
I appreciate your input and your rewrite. I'm not exactly sure if I'll be pulling this poem off the shelf anytime soon, but I'll take in your advice now and ponder it should I want to make revisions.

>>916708
>I'm not going to be rewriting it. Just thought I'd share.
No. This is not a "bullshit from my diary" board. This is a literature board. Your brain-wasting word-vomit "The, As, And, For, Or, It" unmetered, unpoetic mouth turd is not literature.

Go to Deviant Art if you want to do something like this. Go to your LiveJournal. Go find a website designed for critique of amateur writing. That's not what this board is.

If you really insist on posting something here, you'd better be damn sure you rewrote it dozens of times. You'd better be sure it's as perfect as you could ever get it on your own. You'd better be completely convinced it can't be improved by your own hand. Otherwise you're wasting your own time as a writer.

A writer's most important job, more than putting words on paper, is learning to be his own editor. You are a bad writer because you don't have that skill. You can't even be bothered to reread your own writing or correct clear mistakes.

For the most part I liked it.

>where its shadows fall
The pronoun "it" has an unclear antecedent. Since it's singular, I can only assume its referring to either Sun or day. The thing is, neither of those have shadows. The sun casts shadows amidst the crags and borders from what I understand. Consider revising.

>For love and truth
I hate to play the cliche card, but this line and the one before are a relatively bland attempt to charactrize the people of the sun. I get a strong feeling of self-realized insignificance, so I would just take this line out to emphasize the whole nothingness of human labor.

>And it exposes the faces of the pitiful constructs
>Our homes and our hearts.
I think the poem would sound better if you make pitiful modify faces. It will sound cleaner and more precise.

>That separates reason from madness
I think here you are overembellishing the horizon. How does it separate reason from madness? Abstraction in moderation is the best way to go.

The last stanza needs more focus. It seems like the wanderer is dying solely because the sun is rising.

>>916744
I actually revised that part about not rewriting it, chap. And I guess so. But trust me, I was fully aware that I was turning this in to you guys unrefined and neglectfully unedited. I made no mistake there ^_^ (troll weeaboo smiley)

Not all poems have to have a solid meter, but you may want to consider cutting your lines a bit.

>>916757
So, you knew this was a waste of your time but posted it anyway? You knew it wasn't /lit/ material but posted it anyway? You knew it was a bad poem but thought someone might give a shit?

If you're serious about writing, write more. Just don't post it here.

>>916764
>>My face when you entered the thread