/lit/ - Literature

>>908867
>>Thank you much

might want to start there.

/x/ gobbles any OC up.

/lit/ shits on OC.

>>908883
Thank you very much, kind Anonymous.

>>908892
I'm starting to get that feeling. Hmm. Either way, my questions still stand. Any useful help would be very appreciated.

>>908892
/lit/ sometimes praises good OC

>>908895

but shit, dude. I don't want to read all of that... Creepy pasta is not my cup of tea.
but for the sake, of OP i guess i'll take a look...

>>908897

*but, for the sake of OP, i guess*
wow im stupid.

>>908903
Nice save.

>>908897
>>908903
Well I appreciate you taking the time to read it. I know that many /lit/fags are elitists and, although my writing may seem "elementary" compared to the published works of so many esteemed denizens of this board, any constructive criticism or comments are welcome.

>>908894
>>908911
eh hey, I like you.

>>908916
I don't like him.

>>908916
Well, good. :)

>>908918
No one is forcing you to.

>>908911

so far it is pretty good. a few things i've noticed:
1. you love commas.
2. your narrator seems a little too... omniscient for someone who is just driving along.
3. the guy in the truck. this is really small, but to me it seems as though he would HAVE to see what was happening. (Right next to the car, phone to his right ear - he would spend his time looking at things to his left, would he not?)

I haven't finished yet, these are just things i've noticed thus far.

Use gigantic words to seem smart.

>>908931
>1. you love commas.
>2. your narrator seems a little too... omniscient for someone who is just driving along.
>3. the guy in the truck. this is really small, but to me it seems as though he would HAVE to see what was happening. (Right next to the car, phone to his right ear - he would spend his time looking at things to his left, would he not?

1. I do love commas. Unfortunately, I don't know how else to make a break in thought while the reader is going through the sentence. If it's literally incorrect, let me know. I know it may get a bit convoluted at times.
2. How do you mean? Basically, the narrator is observing the surroundings as he's narrating what is happening.
3. The whole point, actually, of this segment is that no one else on the road will see it. I wish I could show you more of that particular section of what I'm writing. It would explain a lot more.

But thank you very much for your input so far. :)

>>908933
Are you mad?

>>908931
ok, still haven't finished, but i'm assuming there's a reason no one else is aware of what is happening in the other car. but some more things:

1. as the story goes on, it slowly gets more and more repetitive and mechanical.
2. Girl in front seat, hits her head on dashboard, and "blood and flesh and hair" gets on the back window? ...how?
3. the guy turned around in his seat and you say you "saw the SHAPE of his BODY" turning to face you. what the hell kind of car is this that you can see more than his head and shoulders through the back window?

>>908965
Well played on all points.

Actually, this segment is meant to be a nightmare. I don't know how to explain that the back window being covered in blood was from the girl smacking her head on the dashboard, then the back of her head blew out... basically.

I do get a bit mechanical with it. That was actually one of the reasons I asked my first question as to how I can inject a bit more emotion into it.

Thanks again for the responses. :)

>>908951
>>when my vision focused on the woman driving the car I estimated that, with her current field of vision, she must have-
doesn't sound like the words of an average male driving home from work. sounds like the author trying to speak for the man who is driving home from work. The character doesn't seem as real because his thoughts are so exact and premeditated. he's disturbed and confused - his thoughts should be cluttered.

(still not done yet).

I'll try to read this sometime today (already started), and I did notice the many commas as the previous Anon stated. One way to think about it is this:

For every comma, that is a pause in the sentence in real life. That is how I see it. So read the sentence back out loud and pause where the comma is, and decide for yourself if the pause was necessary. Also, my teacher once told me that in a sentence, if you used a comma, look back and see if the first part (before you put in the comma) can become a sentence on its own. That doesn't apply when you use words like 'however' though, I think.

Not so good with describing these things online. I apologize if it sounds a bit confusing, and hell, maybe I am wrong about this.

>>908991

also, the whole last sentence of 4860386 is just... bad. Lifeless, superfluous, and just generally awkward.

>>908991
I understand it may not sound as if someone is speaking it. Hell, if you met me you not believe it simply because I don't talk as much as I write. I do, however, try to be as literally correct as possible.

I will make the thoughts a bit more chaotic.
>>909003
Actually, I had a teacher tell me the same exact thing. I'm trying to avoid run-on sentence fragments and thoughts by using commas to separate them. But I completely understand what you mean.

Also, you're not confusing at all, buddy. I sincerely appreciate the input. :)
>>909015
Yea, that sentence as well as the last sentence "And then there was black" are horrible. As I said, rough draft, but the input is what I'm after and I'll be changing a lot as I read your comments.

Thanks again, guys.

Also, I just posted on /x/ a page or so worth of content that occurs immediately before the original image I posted. It might give you a better idea as to how my writing is developing.

Pic related.

as far as creepy pasta goes, i'd say the last two paragraphs are the better written of the group. The character is scared which, in turn, excites the reader. now all you have to do is weave similar emotions into all the other paragraphs.
my advice: look at those last two paragraphs - see what words and what actions contribute to the emotion (shorter sentences, longer sentences, hyphens, etc...)

so yeah. thats all i got homie. other than that it was a pretty good creepy pasta...excerpt....

>>909068
Thank you very much. I'm not trying to write the best book known to man. I know I have a lot of work to do. However, it's nice to know someone enjoys this pasta... excerpt. :P

Yea, I will use the same type of short thoughts and emotion in the rest of the paragraphs.

It's so difficult, though, because as I'm writing, I feel the emotion. It's always after the fucking fact that I see I'm portraying a fraction of that.

>inject more emotion
Well, I recommend three doses of Vicodin.

>>909062

No problem. As I'm reading this, I notice that you might use certain descriptions and other information in the wrong places, and sometimes they aren't really needed at all. One example would be the description of what the man and his wife look like. I think that instead of bothering with that, you should just leave it up to the imagination of the readers. Keep this one in mind, too: show, don't tell. Don't tell how that person is feeling, but show it.

>>909105
Hah. I heard there is a pill in production now that eliminates smoking addiction. I'm all for that, but one of the side-effects is EXTREMELY lucid dreams.

I should look into it. :P

>>909107
>show, don't tell

I just wrote that into my notes.

It may sound, for lack of a better term, stereotypical but I try to write as if I'm painting a portrait for the reader. It's hard for me to let go of detail because it's what I see in my head as I'm writing. I know what you mean though.

>>909115
Wellbutrin, and/or Trazodone. Don't recommend either.

>>909144
Why the anti-recommendation, anon?

>>909135

That's a good way of starting things out. Maybe you should write that down on a separate sheet of paper and look over the characteristics, and then pick what you would like to include in your story. Too many details makes things overcomplicated and hard to read. You want your readers to understand the story and get the picture at the same time. It can be hard, but sooner or later you will get the hang of it. So go over what you write and question yourself, "Do I really need this description and these words over there?" Smooth and polished.