/lit/ - Literature

>>905653
All of a sudden a thrust of wind swept him backwards, causing him to drop his weapon, and to slide on his back across the marble pavestones into the shadows. He quickly got to his feet and locked his sight unto the altar, his eyes shining with hunger. The altar started to glow brightly with a golden tint and soon after multiple blue sparks flashed above the centre. “Run,” an eerie male voiced echoed around the room, “Run now! For I hast awoken!” it continued.

1/10

>>905653
“I shalt not run, for now I am free,” he uttered as he stepped back towards the altar, “now we are one, and now I feel your love, and it is everlasting; so I shalt cherish it for the final minutes that I stand before thou,” the boy raised his blade, “The fire saint hast brought you warmth, and thou saint of water hast brought you drink, and thou saint of earth has brought you fruit, and thou saint of air has brought you breath.” With his sword he cut the chain around his neck and placed it upon the altar. As he did, the altar stopped glowing.

The room fell silent for a second, and then rushes of wind brushed over the boys shoulders, “Humph…” he mumbled, closing his eyes tight as he waited for his final judgement.

May I ask why? Or are all the writers on /lit/ stuck up creepy men and women with 'NPD'?
>>905673

Anyhow, this is an RPG I'm working on for a popular gay/lesbian/bi website I attend. I'm making two factions, one evil, one good (naturally), but I want to have as much a 'good' reason to be bad as it is to be good. This is where I've got so far, I began at this part because I liked it. Fucking rate it properly.

>>905683
He doesn't like fantasy/action stuff.

Oh, okay, where would I go to find people who do?
>>905730

>>905733
/x/, /v/.

You're a teenager, who doesn't get any lovin' and want to be a cool hero and shit. No one except teenagers in the similar situation wants to read that.

>U hast awoken?

Good judgement, and I'm supposed to be mad about this? Well nice to see you've shown everybody that you're the bigger man and obviously have no problems. I'm glad I was able to bring out the best in you.
>>905773
>>905773
>>905773

“Do you fear it?” the eerie voice asked.
“I do not,” he answered. And like a flash his eyes sprung open, and in front of him stand a reflection of himself. As he raised his sword, the image raised a scroll, “I offer you the blood of thy hand, and thy name, for thou to gift me with thy love.” He swiped his left arm with the sharp end of the sword, and blood sprayed onto the altar.

“Meus diligo est eternus” the spirit commanded whilst writing on the scroll, “Necro, senior of nox noctis,” it continued. As the spirits touch finished signing the parchment, it began to spiral violently upward. As it neared the roof of the temple, the walls began to crumble, but the boy stood still, without fear. The spirit came to a halt two metres above the ground, “Nos es unus,” it said. Without warning the spirit dived into the boy, combining within his body, causing him to flex sadistically and roar with vigour.

A few moments passed, and the boy just lay there still, watching the temple crumble all around him, “We… are… one…” he whispered before closing his eyes, and being crushed by temple as it was razed to the ground. From where he was buried a tiny drip of blood leaked out from the rocks, and shot upwards into the sky above. As it splashed unto the surface of the blue sky, it rippled waves of dark red, morphing the firmament into a chilling bloodbath.

It's good cause I kinda look like a vampire, and a bit like kafka.

What the FUCK is going on here?

>>906175
nice image

Oh look. A not funny troll on /lit/ again
>>906175

>>906169
you look very familiar. didn't you post an apocalyptic-type story here a few days ago?

>>906200
>>906200
>>906200
>>906200
I did, the new-nazi story.
This ties in with that story, but I'm using this part for my RPG.

i had to post this 1, cause I look a lot like Kafka; since someone told me on here I looked similar to him, I started reading his work. He's a very interesting person.

please go away

>>905653
Not going to bother reading the rest, this first bit is a tad lame but here's what I've got for you:

You cannot use a 'joining' word with a semicolon (in this case you used 'and') otherwise you just use a comma.

One does not 'holster' a sword; he sheaths it.

"he articulated" is pretty lame, try something more like "he spoke evenly - a hint of reverence marking the silence as he paused to bless himself"

Note that "whilst" is a gay word (and second-person), just use "while". Also note that you have a continuity failure in the first paragraph because he already sheathed his sword.

Also, check you usage of words such as "whilst", "shalt", and "hast" ; these are all second-person terms and you sound like a total twat.

Die in fire, If my presense annoys you I'm glad, because what you enjoy is boring, so I'm not the bad person here - it's you who should be getting trolled, but you're the only fucking person on /lit/, samefagging in every thread like a loon. Enjoy your faggotry creeper.
>>906213

>>906208

Your writing is shit and you're a horrible person, but if you post cock all will be fine again.

>>905773

So, what you're saying is that he understands his target audience.

>and the souls of those he had slain followed him


Anyone else imagine a conga line of ghosts?

Holy fuck, that's terrible.

D&D fan fiction is the worst.

>>906307
> i hast awoken.jpg
i lol'd

Well, my only advise to yo-I HAST AWOKEN- RUn! No I Am stayon' you ful! WE ARE ONE NAO!!!!!1!!!!

Well, at the same time (what I am currently writing), there is a good guy doing a simillar act, where the sky turns blue and clear and then they meet up like opposites, creating a torn world of good and evil. I will go over my writing taking that dudes advice. Sorry I'm not such a fag like you guys

pic related,
delivar

also, the devil hast awoken, and has conjoined with the knight of darkness to give him power over the night domain.

Don't type in King James English if you don't know when to use shall/shalt properly.

>this entire fucking thread

It's meant to be fantasy, it sounds nice and fantasy like, and doesn't fail, so cry more please.
>>906412
>>906412

@ OP:

I don't think /lit/ is a very good place to post your own writing, otherwise I would have done it myself a long time ago. You see, I'm a writer too, but I know I'm not good enough to post anything on /lit/ without being verbally abused.

It's all bookworms in here, talking about H. G. Wells and George Orwell and other famous authors. If you're not as good as these famous authors, they probably won't care.

I'd advise you to go to some kind of amateur writing community, but those are usually pretty worthless, since most of them are giant circle-jerks where everyone will compliment anything, while the rest are pretentious and demanding, and require you to post on their forums 100 times a day to avoid having your account deleted.

>>906430

The other guy does have a point. If you're going to use those words, you should know how to use them.

>>906430
That's all well and good but there are rules to the usage of Thee/Thou/Ye
Mine/Thine
Art/Hast
Shall/Shalt
You obviously don't KNOW the rules so the mistakes you are making are rather hilarious and accentuate the juvenile quality of the writing.
You ask for opinions and then complain about receiving opinions. This, again, accentuates your juvenile mentality.

>>906430
Not if it's wrong.

I have a B in GCSE English, nothing special; however I'm taking an A level in English Lang at college in september, hoping that it will help me when I move onto university to get my Computing degree.

I enjoy writing, maybe one day I'll make something great - I'm not the type to let a 4chan creeper get to me.

3/10

What's wrong about it?

tripfag's ID say's it all. Ego indeed.

/sigh
Just when I thought 4chan was getting better.

WOO: Rise, and speak wisely, man--but hark; I see thy rug, as woven i'the Orient, A treasure from abroad. I like it not. I'll stain it thus; ever thus to deadbeats.

[He stains the rug]

THE KNAVE: Sir, prithee nay!

BLANCHE: Now thou seest what happens, Lebowski, when the agreements of honourable business stand compromised. If thou wouldst treat money as water, flowing as the gentle rain from heaven, why, then thou knowest water begets water; it will be a watery grave your rug, drowned in the weeping brook. Pray remember, Lebowski.

THE KNAVE: Thou err'st; no man calls me Lebowski. Yet thou art man; neither spirit damned nor wandering shadow, thou art solid flesh, man of woman born. Hear rightly, man!--for thou hast got the wrong man. I am the Knave, man; Knave in nature as in name.

BLANCHE: Thy name is Lebowski.

>>906392

Thanks for the lesson,
I'll rewrite the speeches. It was my first time trying this shit, and that's because I finished reading revelations earlier...
>>906465

>>906463

What do you want man? Your prose are average at best and it seems like you'd rather just post pics anyway.


2.5/10

>>906252
This is the most legit criticism in the entire thread (behind the useful and obvious point that if you're going to use older English vocabulary, learn how to use it properly).

Funnily enough it's about the only piece of criticism OP hasn't answered. Maybe it's because he doesn't actually want criticism? Maybe it's because he's a giant faggot? Who knows.

>>906459
Are you even reading what we say? "Hast" is a 2nd singular. "Hath" is 3rd singular. There are rules that govern which word to use. A guy saying "I have" would say "I hast". I and HAST are too different persons.

>>906208

Lol I remember this guy. It's a pretentious faggot that came here a couple of days ago and post his piece of shit work about a "new nazi empire" saying "Hurr durr I'm the better writer in the world hurr durr derp" Asking for constructive criticism... Pathetic.

¿Is all you write a piece shit?

Errr, I've answered to most of the insults. I don't see many compliments. How about you learn how to read, faggit.

YES

>Through the darkness he appeared, wielding a sword dripping with blood;

stopped right about there

>>906482
WOULDN'T say "I hast"...shit. Typo.

>>906392
>>906392


Why are your balls black?

“Run now! For I hast awoken!”

Run now! For I have awoken!

You've lost me, explain

1/3 south african, 1/3 irish, 1/3 english
i'm a dirty mix
>>906498
>>906498

>>906499
You hast
I have
He hath

stop feeding the kid.

Sorry to say it, OP, but the whole fantasy thing is really unoriginal these days. The problem is that people have been beating that dead horse since Tolkien wrote The Lord of the Rings. Practically every amateur writer tries to write a fantasy novel at some point. So unless yours has a very original plot and excellent writing, you should probably try a different genre. How about science fiction? It's overdone too, but it covers a much broader range of topics.

I wrote a vampire novel once. It sucked hard. Never again. (Keep in mind that this was shortly before Twilight came out, so no one had heard of it yet. As a result, vampires were very slightly less of a cliche than they are now. But it still sucked hard.)

You need to explain a bit better because You isn't the same as I.
>>906505
>>906505
>>906505

Well, I don't want to begin a new thread, but I'd love it dearly if someone could inform me a little about past-tense writing?

Do all of the words in a sentence need to be in past tense structuring in order for it to be grammatically sound, or can it begin with a past-tense structure and still use other, more fluid-sounding tenses throughout?

For example, "He stood there for several minutes, making humming noises to escape from the silence as he scanned his bright blue eyes over the scenery." Is something I feel I might have done wrong. Would it be safer to go with:

"He stood there for several minutes and made humming noises to escape from the silence as he scanned his bright blue eyes over the scenery."

Even then, would I have to change 'humming' to 'hummed' in a way to properly tense the sentence?

>>906505
DU HAST

I'm 19.
>>906509
>>906510
I enjoy fantasy, I'm a huge fan of Sakaguchi and his works of art. I believe that I have some original fantasy stories in my mind, I just need to learn how to execute correctly. I'm a fast learner. Oh, there we go again, my ego coming through.

>>906485
Fine, faggot. Here's some criticism for you - the third sentence sounds ridiculous with the "he said, he continued" bits in it. Find a way to word it more smoothly or just leave the "he continued" out, I don't care.

But bear in mind this is only one spray of deodorant on a mountainous turd.

>>906512
No, the verb-tense shift works in that first one fine.

>>905653
For the thousands I hath slain
or
For the thousands I hast slain

Tell me which ones correct and I will now know when to use Hast.

>>906526
Read Robert E. Howard's Conan and Edgar Rice Burroughs' "Barsoom/Mars" series.
They are pulpy, but they will show you the right way to write out in that grandiose manner you're aiming for.

>>906512
"making" in that sentence isn't really tense-specific - it is fine the first time. The second way works as well, of course, but I'd say the first is more elegant.

Why would you want to post your question in this festering cesspit of a thread, anyway?

>>906527
>>906527
Thank you for your kind words oh wise one.

>>906510

Fantasy is overdone because people love it. I think what you mean is 'cliche, boring' fantasy is overdone, because it defeats the purpose of fantasy by being carbon copies of other well known stories.

>>906534
"Hast" is second person. That's when you know when to use it.

Warm life pulsed from the wound in his chest. Though his hand reached and clenched at it desperately, no amount of clutching would be enough to stop its flow. With every heart beat, he came closer to his assured death. The already darkened skies only deepened into absolute abyss until there was nothing in his view.

There, lying lifeless, the youth lay in a pool of his ever-expanding blood. Mere breaths away from oblivion and all he could feel was frustration; that he would die in such a meaningless way without even knowing what it was that caused it.

That he was seventeen years old and would die having never done a single thing that mattered in his life. Going to school in and out, passing classes and working towards a future, but really just twittering the days away. Even the future he worked towards held no impact. There was no significance in any occupation available to the youth of the city as even the Mayor was more of a celebrity than a community leader.

The pooling murk around him only increased as time passed, his heart refusing to stop pumping blood. A low hiss shuddered from his body and the blood began to lift in turn. Drenched in his own blood, his clothes turned to a bright vermilion. It was brighter than any shade he had ever seen before. Even his hair seemed affected by the warped essence that leaked from him. As his final mortal breaths left his chest, his whole being became a tremor with invisible electricity coursing through his veins.

That was when his ender came into view. The nightmare that had been pursuing him, and ultimately torn into his heart. He knew there was no reason that he should be alive right now, but he would be sure to use every last borrowed second to lay into this beast a death ten times worse than the one it had dealt him.

>>906534
Oh for fuck's sake. It's "I have", not "I hast" or "I hath". Even in fucking King James English people say "I have".

>>906542
Which is a very good point, Anon.
Ego, what do you hope to achieve with this story that hasn't been done a million times before?

>>906542
>>906542
I don't think my fantasy stories are boring; I have some original concepts, like the one I'm writing now. The thing is, I write one chapter and it's simillar to a previously created story, but then I write another 10+ chapters that makes it different. I doubt anyone can write anything these days without copy pasta'ing some other faggots work, aminotrite?

>>906551
>>906551
>>906551
>>906551
That's what I was looking for. That alone has just sparked new levels in my brain. You'll be hearing more from me /lit/, for I hast awoken

>>906554
Your writing could not be more full of cliches. Your characters and dialogue could not be more hackneyed and overdone. You could have some breathtakingly original plot lurking somewhere in the next ten chapters, but no reader is going to wade through this much boring shit to get to the gold.

>>906553
>>906553
I enjoy it.

>>906528

Thanks for the input. Makes me feel like I can trust my judgment as I continue.

>>906539

Mmhm, I liked the first structuring as well so I was hoping to salvage it. Good to know it will work, and I think I have a good idea of how to continue.

Well, it was the first thread I saw asking for some rating and I figured someone would be able to help. Didn't read much of the thread, truth be told.

>>906560
I HAVE. CHRIST, IT'S I HAVE.

"I HAST" IS NOT ENGLISH AND NEVER WAS

74 posts and 10 image replies omitted.
>>906562

Thanks for the help people, appriciated. This needs work so I'm going to go ahead and go over the draft fixing what I can; again, thanks.

>>906465
Verily. They urinate upon damned rug...

>>906560
> says "I hast" for the millionth time, even after Anon repeatedly corrects it

Troll confirmed.

>>906571
>74 posts and 10 image replies omitted.
Not a measure of the quality or lack thereof of your shit.

"I shalt" is also wrong.

1 last question:

I have a problem when it comes to 'knowing the reader'.
Say if I were to describe the temple before he knelt before the altar, but didn't want to use the word altar too many times, could I just do something like this:

(this is simple)
The temple was dark, there was a slab in the middle.
The boy knelt before the altar.

See that to me doesn't work, even if I did spice it up - but if I use altar again it feels like I'm using that word too many times. Halp and then I leave forever, and never shalt awaken again.

This is unbelievably bad on every level. I don't even know how to give you any constructive criticism.

>>906585
I get the point, anon.

>>906582
Dias

>>906594
dais

good idea for an rpg, not good idea for a story

You could have pasted the whole thing somewhere I don't wanna read it by sifting through 100 troll posts.

>>906601
Right..shit. Second typo tonight.
a Diaz is fine too, though

Through the darkness he appeared, wielding a sharp one-handed sword coated with blood, and the souls of those who he had slain trailing behind him. The temple was unnerving and hushed, bar the sound of the boys’ footsteps. He knelt before the altar located in the middle of the chamber, and then placed his hand across his heart, sheathing his sword. “I have come for you and I have with me the elements of good and evil, and all that shall awaken your spirit” he spoke evenly whilst blessing himself, “for the thousands I hath slain, an eternity of torment and pain I shalt endure – for my love for thou is strong and everlasting,” he stood up on two feet and then drew his sword, holding the grip high above his head, “I am yours...”

forgot to change the shalt to shall, my bad

>>906615
>Through the darkness he appeared, wielding a sharp one-handed sword coated with blood,
Could be better phrased.
Through the darkness he emerged, dripping sword in hand,

>and then placed his hand across his heart, sheathing his sword.
Makes it sound like the act of placing his hand across his heart is what sheathed his sword.

>>906615
>hath
>thou
Still wrong

I CAN HATH CHEESEBURGER?

>>906626
>>906626
Through the darkness he emerged, an impressive blade in hand, and the souls of those who he had slain trailing behind him.

This maybe?

I have to keep some of the fantasy elements. If I remove the 'Thou' and 'Hath' it just sounds like some shit porno.

>>906634
He sheathed his sword in his heart?
If only the author would do the same!
DO-HOHOHOHOHOHO

>>906647
Those are words...not elements of a story.
Use the damn words but use them PROPERLY.

>>906647
You idiot. Hath doesn't not work. It's like he's saying "for the thousands I has slain..." Do you want for him to sound like Homestar Runner?

>>906647
No, if you remove the "Thou" and "Hath" it sounds far more polished and you come across as less of a blazing faggot.
Man up and use your words properly.

Ohhh haha, I understand you now. He is only 16 so maybe he could be like a cute /b/ meme. I haz devil powers nao?

But yeah, what King James word, that is nice and fantasy-like, would you recommend?

>>906662
It's about the over all phrasing, not just tossing in a "thee" or "thou" here and there.
JMS, who wrote Thor (I know, I know... /co/) did away with the Shakespearean language but still had him speak in a Godly manner. Look at the dense text of Tolkien. He didn't do that either (as a general rule), yet it is phrased very haughty.

>>906662
Fantasy is not in word substitution. You will continue to fail until you understand this.

>>906647

If the misused old-style vocabulary is all you have going for you, then give the fuck up right now. People don't read fantasy novels for hath and thou and shalt.

Through the darkness he emerged, an impressive blade in hand, and the souls of those who he had slain trailing behind him. The temple was unnerving and hushed, bar the sound of the boys’ footsteps. He knelt before the altar located in the middle of the chamber, and then placed his hand across his heart, sheathing his sword with his off-hand. “I have come for you and I have with me the elements of good and evil, and all that shall awaken your spirit” he spoke evenly whilst blessing himself, “for the thousands I have slain, an eternity of torment and pain I shall endure – for my love for thou is strong and everlasting,” he stood up on two feet and then drew his sword, holding the grip high above his head, “I am yours...”

All of a sudden a thrust of wind swept him off his feet, causing him to drop his blade, and then slide on his behind across the marble pavestones back into the shadows from whence he came; the boy fixed footing with haste and locked his sight unto the altar, his fierce eyes shining with hunger. “Run,” an eerie male voiced echoed around the room, “Run now! For I have awoken!” it continued.

“I shall not run, for now I am free,” he uttered as he stepped back towards the altar, “now we are one, and now I feel your love, and it is everlasting, so I shall cherish it for the final minutes that I stand before thou,” the boy raised his blade, “The fire saint hast brought you warmth, and thy saint of water hast brought thou drink, and thy saint of earth hast brought thou fruit, and thy saint of air hast brought thou breath,” and with his sword he cut the silver chain around his neck and placed it upon the altar.

The room fell silent for a moment, only the sound a few of creaking doors marking the exit of the temple could be heard - and lines of white drift oozed through the small opening, then rushed over the boy’s shoulders, “Humph…” he mumbled as he closed his eyes tight, waiting for his judgement.

“Do you fear it?” the eerie voice asked.

“I do not,” he answered. And like a flash his eyes sprung open, and in front of him stood a reflection of himself. As he raised his sword, the image raised a scroll, “I offer you the blood of thy hand, and thy name, for thou to gift me with thy love,” he swiped his left arm with the sharpest end of the sword, and blood splattered onto the altar.

“Meus diligo est eternus” the spirit commanded while inscribing on the scroll, “Necro, senior of nox noctis,” it continued. As the spirits touch finished signing the parchment, it began to spiral violently upward. As it neared the roof of the temple, the walls began to crumble, but the boy stood still, without fear. The spirit came to a halt two metres above the ground, “Nos es unus,” it said. Without warning the spirit dived into the boy, combining within his body, causing him to flex sadistically and roar with anguish.

A few moments passed, and the boy just lay there still, watching the temple crumble all around him, “We… are… one…” he whispered before closing his eyes, and being crushed by temple as it was razed to the ground. The rubble was clouded in smoke - but slowly it cleared revealing the ruins that remained. From where the boy was buried, drips of blood started to leak through, and shot upwards into the sky above. As they splashed one by one unto the surface of the firmament, it rippled dark red rings, morphing the firmament into a chilling hell-like bloodbath.
Good night /lit/.

>>906723
"my love of thou"
STILL FUCKING WRONG GODDAMN
And why don't you have "I am thine" if you're so hot on archaic English?

>>906723
>>906725
>>906729
>>906731
>>906615
>>906208
>>906169
>>906160
>>906155
>>905675
>>905670
>>905653

Also... facepalm.jpg

Not to be mean or anything since I'm a really nice guy, but this is so full of goddamn cliches it makes my eyes water.

>>906737
I'm not pro at English, that's where you guys come in.

Oh it's GAY too! How delightful. I guess their love is forbidden and they have endure persecution for it too?

>>906747
No. That's when you stop writing my son.

Forever.

>>906747
No. You need to be a little more harsh with you own self-critique.

>>906747
So, basically, you want us to fix all of the cliches for you?
I wasn't aware you wanted us to re-write the whole thing.

>>905650

SＴOp fｕＣkｉｎｇ_ＡＴＴａＣＫING_ｗｗw.ａNｏＬAWＬtalK.se_rＥpLＡce_ＬＡwＬ_ＷIth
_n
w opbaxpexuu xdnh fooamv ehb hs g kf xqmh d

It's a story about 'Good' found in both 'Good' and 'Evil'.
A story of reason. I'm going to be structuring it kinda like the bible, but having events occuring at the same time. That chapter is Dusk, and at the same time as that chapter, Dusk (which is the Good side perspective) where the knight of light meets God. The year is 2010, so it's going to bring in some urban culture and realistic/fantasy elements. Dusk and Dawn happen at the end of the story, but I'm starting at the end and working my way backward.
>>906749
>>906749
>>906749
>>906749

dawn*
48 hours with no sleep, I'm slacking.
Gnight /lit/ foreal this time yo, thanks for your kind words of wisdom, helped a lot even though you didn't mean too.

oh yeh, here's a pic of my boyfriend for yall to wank over or whatever you faggots do

>>906803

Post his cock

>>906796
No one cares about your homoerotic Mary Sue adventures.
Write it how you want because you're the only one that will ever give a shit about it.

>>906252
This is me, thought I'd come back and see if this thread was still alive and continue.

>>905670

Wind does not thrust, it may gust or blast perhaps. You seem to suffer from something every common - the assumption that all synonyms can replace each other. A thrust, while not grammatically incorrect would usually refer to a more personal source of force, rather than 'wind'.

Check the rest of the first sentence as it uses far too many commas only to be follow by a poorly placed semicolon.

>All of a sudden a thrust of wind swept him backwards, causing him to drop his weapon, and to slide on his back across the marble pavestones into the shadows.

Could be made better if it were something more like:

"A sudden gust of wind caught the boy off guard, he lost grip of his sword as the wind swept him effortlessly across the marble tiles and into the shadows."

"unto" just means 'to' and so it is grammatically incorrect as he is locking his vision on something.

"his eyes shining with hunger" - starts of with potential, but hunger needs a context otherwise the kid just thinks the altar will give him bread...

Next sentence is okay, but needs rewording to add emphasis.

"The altar began to glow a bright gold, driving away the shadows at its flanks before erupting blue sparks from its centre."

I'll ignore the rest of the poorly used second-singulars as I've addressed that.

At the end there "it continued", is weak try to think of something that evokes reverence of the power you are trying to convey.

>>906821
sadly, this is the kind of thing published fight over these days.

>>906252
This is me, thought I'd come back and see if this thread was still alive and continue.

>>905670

Wind does not thrust, it may gust or blast perhaps. You seem to suffer from something very common - the assumption that all synonyms can replace each other. A thrust, while not grammatically incorrect would usually refer to a more personal source of force, rather than 'wind'.

Check the rest of the first sentence as it uses far too many commas.

>All of a sudden a thrust of wind swept him backwards, causing him to drop his weapon, and to slide on his back across the marble pavestones into the shadows.

Could be made better if it were something more like:

"A sudden gust of wind caught the boy off guard, he lost grip of his sword as he was swept effortlessly across the marble tiles and into the shadows."

"unto" just means 'to' and so it is grammatically incorrect as he is locking his vision on something.

"his eyes shining with hunger" - starts off with potential, but hunger needs a context otherwise the kid just thinks the altar will give him bread...

Next sentence is okay, but needs rewording to add emphasis.

"The altar began to glow a bright gold, driving away the shadows at its flanks before erupting blue sparks from its centre."

I'll ignore the rest of the poorly used second-singulars as I've addressed that.

At the end there "it continued", is weak try to think of something that evokes reverence of the power you are trying to convey.

>>906803
What is he, twelve? Thirteen?

Time for more, fuck me I'm really bored.

>>905675

While 'uttered' technically means simple to speak with the mouth, once again the context seems wrong to me - as a reader I would probably turn my nose up at that.

' "I shall not run, for now I am free." he spoke defiantly moving toward the altar, collecting his sword.'

I added the bit about the sword because you said he lost it, and then in a few seconds he is brandishing it against a this evil altar. The rest of his dialogue here is stupid, no other comments on it.

>“The fire saint hast brought you warmth, and thou saint of water hast brought you drink, and thou saint of earth has brought you fruit, and thou saint of air has brought you breath.”

Pretty sure you didn't attend any English classes, you can't use commas to make a list of things and then use joining words.

“The Fire Saint has brought you warmth, the Water Saint has brought you drink, the Earth Saint has brought you fruit, and tho Air Saint has brought you breath.”

That is more grammatically correct, also capitalise proper nouns (the saints are proper nouns as you give them elemental designations).

He cut through chain around his neck using a sword that you forgot to mention he picks up with no effort? Is this intentional? If so your suspension of disbelief has failed and you need to make a point of his awesome strength somewhere.

'rushes of air'... wut? 'gusts' or perhaps 'a breeze brushed across his shoulders'.

"humph" would indicate malcontentedness however the rest of the sentence suggests that he was expecting this, rather than disappointed at this.

My face when this thread is still here.

Time for more, fuck me I'm really bored.

>>905675

While 'uttered' technically means simply to speak with the mouth, once again the context seems wrong to me - as a reader I would probably turn my nose up at that.

' "I shall not run, for now I am free." he spoke defiantly moving toward the altar, collecting his sword.'

I added the bit about the sword because you said he lost it, and then in a few seconds he is brandishing it against a this evil altar. The rest of his dialogue here is stupid, no other comments on it.

>“The fire saint hast brought you warmth, and thou saint of water hast brought you drink, and thou saint of earth has brought you fruit, and thou saint of air has brought you breath.”

Pretty sure you didn't attend any English classes, you can't use commas to make a list of things and then use joining words.

“The Fire Saint has brought you warmth, the Water Saint has brought you drink, the Earth Saint has brought you fruit, and the Air Saint has brought you breath.”

That is more grammatically correct, also capitalise proper nouns (the saints are proper nouns as you give them elemental designations).

He cut through chain around his neck using a sword that you forgot to mention he picks up with no effort? Is this intentional? If so your suspension of disbelief has failed and you need to make a point of his awesome strength somewhere.

'rushes of air'... wut? 'gusts' or perhaps 'a breeze brushed across his shoulders'.

"humph" would indicate malcontentedness however the rest of the sentence suggests that he was expecting this, rather than disappointed at this reaction.

Format that shit you faggot. We don't want first drafts.

Hey,
I just woke up, thanks for the help again anon.

>>907218
my face when you bump it

ahahahaha
>>908056

>>908070
Cool another tripcode to filter out

With the corrections it has improved markedly.

Your story is now merely awful instead of terrible.

I wish I could slap you for posting it.

Working on 'Dawn' now.