/lit/ - Literature

>>8629012
last time I greentext'd it I was told it was "too anime" so I'm considering revising it

>>8629012
The protagonist abducts and sexually enslaves some Kwhorean sluts, forcing them to suck his cock, wear collars and be whipped, take massive dildos up their asses, lez out on command- and of course enjoy it all.
Of course that's just a piece- it's actually to the Iliad what Ulysses was to the Odyssey, with extreme sex replacing extreme violence.

>>8629012
4, 1, 3, 2

>>8629116
They're fungible

>>8629116
id say 4, 2, 3, 1

>>8629012
>intelligence agents torture subjects using truth serum drugs
>conspiracy revealed in the torture sessions

>a once deeply spiritual man driven by his desire to understand the cosmic order and the mystery of god loses his faith. He realizes that there is no inherent meaning in anything.
>what was once a life lived full of meaning and emotional experience now becomes a numb routine of mechanical existence.
>man contemplates suicide but is ultimately a coward and cannot bring himself to go through with the act.
>lives out the rest of his days in this state.
>upon his deathbed, realizes that it would have been better to have lived and died with his faith regardless of ultimate truth. Realizes that we are the purveyors of our own meaning too late.
>dies.

>

>>8629116
2,1,4,3

>>8629012
3 1 4 2, obviously

>>8629012
1 has best tits
2 has best face
3 is worst
4 has best legs

>>8629260
My nigga

they honestly all look the same

>>8629153
Good idea, though it would work better in a movie.

>>8629012
1, 4, 2, 3

4213

>>8629012
what is the name of these kind of pants? They are able to fabricate diamonds in my underwear.

>everyone underrating 3
lol

1 and 2 are by far the worst
4>3>>>>>>>>>>1>2

>>8629316
They're just high waisted shorts.

>>8629292
racis

>>8629325
3 is straight up ugly

>protagonist is an unknowing bastard son of a billionaire
>unexpectedly inherits his dad's corporation
>it's currently in the middle of a takeover fight
>has to collect enough support to stop takeover bid
It's meant to be a deconstruction-reconstruction of heroic romanticism set in modern times

>>8629104
>"too anime"

Here's my fucking anime/worldtransfer story I wrote because I thought at the very least I could write a shit story.

>guy gets strange powers from a god after sister kills him
>god outsourced the power selection to a tech startup, no explanation of abilities

>he lands in another world in barn, meets an angry giant, giant anteater druid that think's he's a dragon
>shit happens, he goes to a city and floods and goes into a coma because he blows up the city that was flooding and happens to rout a oncoming army by chance because his power wigged out

>all the minor character get focus when he's in coma, become friends after lots of character drama and world building
>minor character convinces anteater to join their group, MC just follows along as they leave the city
>big fight against creature created from minor characters past, MC is able to win because he learned a little bit about how his power worked

I think I had enough fun writing it, I don't think anyone would actually read it.

>>8629250
Sounds incredibly masturbatory

>>8629931

>>8629339
Is the protagonist experienced in business at all? Some guy with no knowledge or experience in this would lose it probably. He would probably willingly give it for a nice wad of cash

>>8629012
any of them

>>8629250

>it's another "i was humanity all along plotline"

>>8629012

potentially good thread ruined by first image.

pity

Horry crapp, Those 70 year old Korean girls look about 14 to 16.

Thats crazy

>protagonist's hands can heal
>is peer pressured into helping other people
>doesn't feel like it doing it but he's weak so he agrees anyway
>takes no joy in it but desperately wants to
>ends up running away but regrets it, not because of people waiting for his help though
>ends up paranoid about never being left alone again
It's sounds like some superhero's backstory

>>8629149
this

>>8629012
>1st person, present tense

>begins with 24y/o white male protagonist who, while nonchalantly taking large doses of tramadol and other drugs, is scrolling down his Instagram feed, cynically examining the lives of his peers, and introducing a few important characters

>character is chad with no conscience, and an unconcious but philosophically robust sense of nihilism. We see him go about his day, some characters introduced of instagram are explored etc

>he fucks various Japanese, Korean, and white women, and recounts how he wants to fuck a love interest introduced from instagram

I'm undecided on how it will go from there, but he'll definitely pursue the love interest

>love interest may end up fucking him, he may end up drowning her to death or something during sex, and then continuing to fuck the corpse because he realizes shes a normie

I want everything to devolve into a baroque and vulgar cluster fuck of bad ideologies and character tropes, but through out I want there to be some constants

>>8629250
literally my diary desu

>creative writing tutor finds student in his workshop who creates work he really enjoys
>they quickly become acquainted
>student asks odd proposition
>asks if the tutor can help review one of his friend's pieces, who is too shy to go to the workshop
>tutor reluctantly agrees
>next day they meet up at this guy's house
>go inside to find some fat, slobby looking neckbeard in his living room typing away, ignoring them
>student shows tutor the story
>story about r9k-tier student struggling to be normal through uni
>after reading it tutor is shocked at how bad it is, tries to question neckbeard, who is still ignoring them
>tutor gets frustrated and leaves
>circumstance happens again and the two visit another's house to see his work
>it's a man and women asleep together on the couch during the day, they don't wake up despite tutors efforts, so he gives up and reads their story
>story about a man who wakes up to find it's eternally midnight, and no one else perceives it except from him
>confused, tutor leaves
>circumstance happens he goes to another house
>goes inside with the student, the house is empty except for the noises of a couple having sex in a bedroom somewhere
>tutor is uncomfortable but reads the story
>story about a girl who is ruining her family and friendships by being a degenerate slut (despite herself being aware of the fact)
>tutor leaves
>some manner of the plot will at some point bring all these characters to fruition, of which the tutor must confront them all (haven't written this far yet)

It's hard to write but I'm enjoying it.

>>8629250
You might enjoy Vladimir Bartol's 'Alamut'

All right.

>some demons were trapped down an old abandoned mineshaft but some shit happened and then they escaped during an earthquake
>stock deaths
>pets going missing
>wildlife getting sick and wandering into town all covered in tumors
>trees dying
>some expert supernatural problem solvers come to town to fix things but just mess it up even more
>MC is something pretending to be someone who died the year before, just strolling round town with the face of a kid who was brutally murdered in front of two dozen people who are too scared to say anything about it and just go along with the farce
>leshy comes down from the mountains real angry that his forest is dying and goes looking for this girl called michelle that he made a deal with but she died and the leshy can't find her brother
>goes to the MC really cross about the death of the forest (until this point MC doesn't really care, he's an ancient and fickle being from the cosmos who just wants to get back but can't get further than the aurora borealis before he gets thrown back to earth but this is not made clear in any sort of explicit terms)
>MC has to go around planting acorns for the leshy
>encounter with the supernatural hunters in the woods

I'm a little uncertain how I bridge from here to the end, but I think the demons must have to escalate to human deaths and expose themselves more.

>ancient boar god mocchus that had turned into a demon is eventually killed and the book ends but there is still a bird demon and a bear demon roaming wild in the countryside, just not near town anymore
>supernatural fixer revealed as fairy changeling leading to identity crisis

>>8629012

>Protagonist is intelligent, well educated, white collar professional, family man
>Tragedy
>Slowly but surely the reader witnesses the degeneration and hopelessness of the protagonist as his life spirals downward faster every chapter

Not going to give plot details because I have not started it yet but that's the the general picture

>>8631526
sounds neat
Kafka-Chaucer

> former monk on revenge blood bath
> meets orphan loli
> teaches her the ways
> gets drunk
> loli gets it
> runs away
> searches for her
> find her dead
> sudoku

A series of connected short stories.
>Main character is reborn in different eras
>Dies horribly in each

>>8629956
I'm thinking of ways around that, don't think it will be too hard 2bh. You can just hire a consultant as far as business skills go for example.

>>8631948
sounds grim but potentially interesting, how long is it?

>>8631546
we need more detail, it just sounds kind of vague at the moment

>>8632000
what's the point? not to be rude, but why does he/she die? what are you trying to get across?

My story:
>setting where humanity under the fedora empire (placeholder name) is systematically wiping out all the old gods in the name of enlightened atheism
>wandering knight teams up with a god living in a sword to do random bits of good around the world, earns the ire of fedora
>his sword is also a QT girl who he fucks
>they fight monsters and fedora knights
>that's pretty much it

>>8629012

>Fantasy world mix of Roman times and traditional Japanese culture
>Renowned Gladiator falls in love with a Geisha
>Has a child with her, but the baby and her both die in an accident
>Gladiator loses confidence, becomes terrible and retires immediately
>One night considering suicide, he sees a child floating in the water unconsciously
>Cares for the child for years, but she never ages
>One day she's taken away by spirits
>Perilous journey to save her
>Child is his guardian angel, the child he never got to meet
>Promises to never give up on himself again
>Legendary one armed gladiator
>Dies a happy man

>>8632189
He would die in a dumb way.
Maybe have some "higher" beings/gods laugh at him/critique him.

>>8632205

Sounds like a top tier comic actually. I could see myself getting addicted to that kind of story.

>>8631526
That sounds promising
If nothing else it's a really creative frame story

>>8632205
that's actually a really good idea
It has a lot of potential for humor/ making observations

>>8632234
>>8632213
The only thing I haven't decided is that would he carry his experiences/previous lives on?
Would he forget?
I heard the japs have something similar to this but haven't looked into it that much.

>>8629012

>Every 100 years dragons emerge from a hidden location to scorch the earth so nothing can thrive
>Man is persistent and refuses to die out, Dwarves live in a fucking massive mountain, some of it is largely unexplored and it acts as a bomb shelter type thing where the humans are allowed to be protected
> Main character is a halfbreed between a Dwarf and a Human, disliked by just about everyone in the Dwarven kingdom
>Humans arrive to be protected because the dragons are about to come, treaty between the two races is fractured due to the two kings disliking one another, one of the humans mention their is a possible weapon in one of the unexplored catacombs, no one is hesitant in going to get it
>Misfit party is formed consistent of Dwarf MC and a bunch of other outcasts
>They go and explore creepy, possibly haunted mines that stretch for endless amount of times
>Everyone basically dies while trying to get back, one of the characters wake up without their skin
>It's hinted the Eldritch abominations in the catacombs aren't even real
>Dwarven MC is the only one left alive, about to make it to the entrance with the weapon that could destroy the dragons, bring possibly stable peace and not make him look like a shunned freak
>Dwarf king appears in front of the entrance, demands his bastard halfbreed nephew hand over the weapon, he does so, then closes the stone door trapping the Dwarven MC in the tombs, why? Because well he's kind of a dick towards everyone and it was really just a way for him to get the weapon and bump off his nephew who brings great shame upon the Dwarven royal family because of his half blood
>End

>>8629393
This so much, i like writing about my chinese cartoon book but i know im so bad that no one will actually read it.

>Ten people get transported to another world by a God
>MC wakes up after 3 days of being injured and in the edge of death.
>No food or water in the house they all woke up, it's in the middle of the forest.
>MC "fuck this il be reading the books god gave us, y'all go look for food".
>Shit happens, they survive and MC has to fight against the leader of the group.
>Lose, go again to the forest house after they moved out to a village.
>There does magic n' shit, creates 2 golems.
>Shit happens again, takes control of the entire village (without the use of violence).
>Boom now he has to fight against the kingdom soldiers becuase he's seen as a bandit.
>Shit happens he has a tiny kingdom now.
>Shit happens, he returns to his world with the other 8 and do stuff idk.
Fuck i can't greentext it at all, need to improve.

>two kids plan on a school shooting (High school)
>3rd person past
>shows the tragedies they cause, he thoughts of the two, interactions

Edge fest honestly, but the conflict is something that has been occurring in the modern society, could be an interesting project for me

>>8632365

King beat you to it

>>8629012
I won't go into much detail.

A vamp're warlord uses dark magic to spy on the kingdom of fair-skinned humans across the sea. He catches sight of the daughter of his adversary, the princess of this land, on the wedding day of her arranged marriage, and ravishes for her. Using his magic, he crosses the sea, forces her to swallow the seed of a mandrake, and impregnates her while she is intoxicated by his essence.

A year passes and the child is born. The king, who thought the father was the man he arranged for her to be married to, instantly recognizes the dhamp'r features of the child. The princess, however, is still under control of the mandrake's spell, and refuses to give up the child. She calls for the vamp're warlord; her words of invocation bring him and his war fleets across the sea to siege the kingdom and steal the princess and his new child back home.

There is much more to it... but I will say that the main character is the child, the only fair-skinned dhamp'r in the land and tormented for it, and it is essentially a tragic romance involving a childhood sweetheart.

>>8632276
I don't know much about that either, but you would do well to learn from those if they are at all similar.
Try to look at what are considered to be the best examples of the genre and examine whet you think works and doesnt work about them

>>8632276
>I heard the japs have something similar to this but haven't looked into it that much.
All You Need Is Kill and Edge of Tomorrow are similar and probably what you heard. But they're science fiction, and not supposed to be comical.

>it's not going anywhere
i want it go anywhere

Too tired for the novel, but a short story.

>an rich young american IT guy from silicon valley goes to Japan with his gf and surface level friends
>they dare one another to eat fugu, a poisonous blowfish and japanese delicacy
>the protagonist suffered from salmonellas when he was 8 so he has a chronic paranoia of poisonous or even har to digest food
>the price of their bet are their stock shares of their respecive buisiness they're working for, so for the protagonist about 25k
>he panics but eventually eats the fugu and starts feeling strange, his skin starts itching and he goes the the rest room
>his skin starts turning grey like that of the fish, he starts to transform
>he goes outside and walks to the seaside, embracing his new fate as a fish, hoping to one day get caught and killed and eaten like the fugu he ate
>he jumps into the water

>>8632634

oh shit, I love it.

>>8632369
What book?>>8632369

>>8632634
Good one.

>>8632634
Could work. The ending is iffy, but so is the entire premise of Kafka's Metamorphosis.

>>8631532
I like this idea. It's weird, but weird in the type of way I like. Any particular mythology you're using?

>a man starts writing simple idyllic poem describing a landscape he dreamed of
>he can't find an appropriate end to it
>he goes on a walk to get some inspiration, creating verses as he interprets the relation of people and the environment that surrounds them
>using some of the verses he thought of while outside, the protagonist finishes the poem after returning home

3 is vastly underrated, she's just making a weird face.

>>8633165
>brb killing self

>>8633187
how you gonna go to sleep alive and wake up dead?

unless you a zombie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sf8FAqOQUq4

>>8629153
isn't that a little predictable?

>government spooks use fringe technology on people
>it works exactly as expected

???

>>8629995
That sounds like a super-antihero deconstruction story

>>8629012

It's about a paranoid schizophrenic marxist trying to map the structure of ideology in a theoretical tomb. he's writing the tomb throughout the novel, and we get a deeply compromising transcript of his thoughts while writing it, this interspersed with fragments of argumentative prose which would ideally be indistinguishable from actual marxist criticism in journals and books from the era (1992s). these tracts make up fully 40% of the ~600 pages. the rest is paranoid psychedelic cyberfantasy as he takes acid and wanders LA during the riots. a commentary on bourgeois fantasies of postmodernism

>>8631526
seems kinda dream logic-y, the way he only interacts with the characters through their stories during the visits. Like the others said, it's a pretty interesting one. How far along are you?

>>8632634
Fuck, I'm trying my hardest to remember a manga I read that had a somewhat similar premise but am coming up with nothing.

>>8633253
>these tracts make up fully 40% of the ~600 pages.

So, does that mean you're done writing? Congrats anon, hope you get published.

>>8633233
>there's a twist

>>8633285

kek

>>8633253

post a fragment

>>8633392
it's purely hypothetical for the moment though i have been archiving some scrapped thesis material which could conceivably become part of the theoretical excursae

>>8629995
Just a heads up, this is the exact plot of this episode of My Name is Earl

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1031430/

>>8632121
Why not make him a recent grad of a top business school? Say he had a small side business (you could say something legit like coding or just weed) to cover school expenses scholarship didn't cover.

This way you have a more interesting protagonist and don't need to contrive a consultant that's super invested in helping this kid keep his company instead of just encouraging him to take the cash like any competent consultant would in that scenario.

>>8633260
I've written the first two chapters of the overarching story which lead up to the neckbeard's story, I've written that 'tale' and two other 'tales' but not the main story which connects them.

>>8629012ljd

here goes

> MC dreams about a beautiful world and a single person watching out over the horizon
>wake up before they turn around
>suddenly don't recognize their own world
>it's a place that is very similar to earth but not at all at the same time
>red sunset, organisms living in air cut off most of sunlight
>nations of the world are instead coalition of organisms
>humans are the most resilient creatures still in existence, they cut deals with the self-aware organism to guarantee their own survival
>weaponized parasites, we essentially rent out our body to stay alive
>young women and men are sealed off from world until they can reproduce, unless they are found to be genetically correct for military, organism breeding, or political use
>lot of body horror, like lots, like slaves are forced to serve divine will of life by being grown into zombie-horse steeds that just scream all the time
>military members have pellet-guns that twist people up into breeding ground for other things
>people have hundreds of parasites, ranging from massive shell-things as tools on their limbs or small ones that transfer thoughts to a host mind to be saved even if they die
>"""religion""" way of life is based around worship of life, the universe is an evil trying to force order, and therefore end all transfer of energy (read: life)
>rebels think human race are slowly being deteriorated, and to fight back, commit the greatest sin, killing and burning creatures
>at the same time lower organisms are always trying to infect everything else, all the intelligent ones are in constant struggles to live
> MC's memories and knowledge are the same after experience, but the intimate feel of home is gone
>is a soldier, higher ups start to notice
>MC is trying to find out what people know about other worlds while his higher-ups try to figure out what is wrong with him and force him to prove loyalty
>childhood friend who became a 'dealmaker' comes by one night and basically rips out a new parasite that is fucking with his mind
>destroys it, MC is left wondering if his collective mind has been killed and he has now been reborn as a new person
>gets kidnapped 2 nights later, it's revealed higher ups now about other worlds, but they know they will have to have their non-human parts destroyed to keep other worlds safe
>the only people left without them are the rebels
>allowing death and letting their enemies being the last remaining humans is impossible
>MC is hooked up to neuro-pleasure machine and melted to prevent physical knowledge in brain cell connections remaining
>remembers end of dream as he dies
>it was earth and the woman he saw looked upon him with a face that only let him know he was abhorrent

deals a lot with self-awareness and sacrifice to further your goals, with the main theme being about belonging.

Criticism? Thoughts? Trying to keep the "/pol/ shit" to a minimum but the themes are hard to ignore with the struggle going on the the fictional world.

>shit happens
>the end

>Don Quixote but a guy who thinks he's a porn star
>Fugue visions after he cums
>Thinks he's persecuted by the homosexual mafia

>>8633823
>genetically correct for military
that is outdated.
>grown into zombie-horse steeds
Do they transform people into animals?
>is a soldier
played out. overall its mildly YA and edgy. I like the ending concept but journey to get there seems long and uninteresting, better as an ending for a short story. I also like the starting idea but I think it would work better in an urban setting, with less drastic changes, like a guy daydreams for a sec and the next thing he knows his dead father is alive and every time he drifts off small changes are made in reality with things he care about coming back or being ripped away.

>>8634185
Did the jews do it?
>>8634196
could be fun. is it like Orgazmo or american virgin?

>>8633165
When do they arrest him for plagiarism?

>>8632634
eh, sounds like some doujin I have read.gantz and few others had stuff like that. questions
>why did he play?
Did gf promise to do anal or something?
>will there be poison endued hallucinations
>will his gf leave him for a Japanese guy?
>Why did not he eat fugu in silicon valley ?

>>8632365
meh.add a twist or something. with I'm Not Ashamed (film) coming out, I would never pick up story like that unless I knew it had an interesting element. also were is the edge, is it just the shooting aspect or does it have sex,drugs,etc all the stuff edgy coming of age movies have?

>>8634218

Orgazmo is a great film. The line about doing double vaginal double anal because of the woman's age was brilliant.

>Was thinking just see how disgusting I could be and then satirise things through porn.
>Gender-pay dynamics, multi-cultural bukkake, over-the-top interpretations of porn scripts.

>The gay mafia instigating the may 68 strike in paris leading to acceptance of culture as a form of labour causing to fame-for-fame's sake and the rapid change of porn from an artisan industry into something far more sinister.

>>8632344
MC sounds like a faggot.
>"fuck this il be reading the books god gave us, y'all go look for food"
Why did no one beat his ass?
>(without the use of violence).
yeah it sounds like a shit anime, not even as good as Hai to Gensou no Grimgar. don't blame anime for your lack of effort
>fight against the leader of the group.
I wish less characters were mad at successfully people, sometimes chad is not the reason your life does not work out
>Shit happens
I hate that. I hate character that just fall into being symbols or leaders.I hate them and their "I did not ask for this" 'im not ready" drama. one of the things I liked about cycle of arawn was that MC set out to improve is lot in life and when he heard about a chance of immortality he said "yeah I want that shit" I like characters with drive and desire, which are often lacking in modern books because authors don't want to turn off any demographic so things just happen

>>8634205
>that is outdated.
I understand and agree it's outdated, but in a world where your survival depends on integration with hostile organisms, the most adaptable humans survive. There's no discussion of genetics or checking people, it's just how human evolution has taken its course. Im not going to go into it during the story, it's just friends who are considered "unworthy of life" when they die because of bad reactions to parasites. Nobody is checked beforehand, as science is extremely limited due to success bargaining with organisms, and if you die your remains is gifted to consumers

>Do they transform people into animals?
Pic related

>is a soldier
Not a soldier, but needed to greentext. All citizens who do not have family jobs passed down is essentially under military rule. With every other living thing either attacking or using humans, numbers are declining. MC was training as an assistant to those who transport materials for trade, which allows the story kinda of tour the world and show how it works

Any tips for avoiding the ya description ? Not going for edgy and hate-the-world, but bleak and horrified by it

>>8634246
>over-the-top interpretations of porn scripts.
kek. it would be hilarious to have a character look at a line like "you can lay down some pipe" and him overanalyze it into Shakespearean dept or think of it as his characters(one that he is playing) nostalgia about his plumber father. you could put in a lot of /lit/ name drops or simply go with "what did he mean by that"
>The gay mafia
could there also be a ballerina mafia that fights for high class hos? What are MC and mafias stance on condoms in production and on Japanese censorship (please don't bully the japs)

>>8634303
>Nobody is checked beforehand
like it. you could have an underclass that was too scared to try it. you could have people dying horrifically by bleeding out of their eyes, etc like in 4400
>Pic related
interesting. I like that its more detailed than just venom symbiotes. What is the peoples stance on it?moontide quartet and other books have had people being made into animals but its usually hidden from the general pop. have you seen shin sekai yori?
>Any tips for avoiding the ya description ? Not going for edgy and hate-the-world, but bleak and horrified by it
there is this book red mars or something, I will look up the name.MC there is full of hate and bitterness about classes and it can be a tiresome read.
I would say avoid horror focus more on beauty of transformation, like the kind of fauna stormlight archive has. I hear RR martin deals a lot with collective consciousness and has some stories like yours. There is one about microbe cult taking people over. I have not read any of it but it maybe good for reference

>>8634324
>there is this book red mars or something, I will look up the name.
I looked it up, its red rising by pierce brown. don't do what he does

>>8633357
it was him all along?
>>8633233
fringe technology does not work

>>8634305
I was thinking of having the MC go on a rant about Japanese pornos being too self-reflective, just taking the piss out of Murakami in a thinly veiled way.

>MC will wear condoms but has a bizarre "no" list, not realising that women only really tend to have "no" lists.

>MC takes acid and deconstructs sentences by repetition. Finds the beauty in one particular word - articulate - cums whilst saying articulate in a scene. Has a crisis of being more attracted to a word than the person he's fucking.

>Tries to fuck to catechism, both in the sense of rhythm and attraction to words.

> Gay mafia

It may or may not exist but MC finds it to be the cause of all of his miseries.

>>8629012
i want suck their vaginas like for ever omg

>>8629250
sounds boring to read about. There is a short story in my country where a religious hermit shelters a farm girl for a night and while watching her sleeping body realizes he wasted his life. its a good short story but yours seems like it would be too long and go over as well as paulo coelho's the alchemist

>>8634345
>>MC will wear condoms but has a bizarre "no" list, not realising that women only really tend to have "no" lists.
I like it. also would be funny if he had some innocuous no, like he will say Yes to anal fisting but no to missionary position. I sad missionary position because I could not think of anything innocuous that would not be played out(like no kissing or cuddling) or would not have psychological implications about loss of control or something like that

>MC takes acid and deconstructs sentences by repetition.
like hodor hold the door? try working in defenestration, its my favorite word since its sounds like decapitation and moves you to picture something like that but is really about throwing people off tall spots
>acid
maybe have it be made up drug. just call it the blue or something like that, with minimal details.
>It may or may not exist
imagine if it turns out that there is a conspiracy but its not the gay mafia but someone else so MC was right in a wrong way

>>8629339
can you even write it? how much do you know about business law?
>protagonist is an unknowing bastard son of a billionaire
The old, he was a son of a king all along. How much bitching will he do about how poor he was?
>has to collect enough support to stop takeover bid
as the other guy said, why not have him take a backseat and have pros deal with it? its less obvious in medieval setting but pops up here. Why does he need support, is the company failing or do shareholders not have confidence in him?What is his motivation, why does not he just sell off his shares and have his dick sucked in huawei. kind of on the spot cliche suggestion but don't have his dad be a billionaire, make it some mediocre company and give him a sick mom or something, he needs things to work so he can pay for his moms treatment, eventually he gets into the company, has friendships, etc so when the "bad guys" offer him to pay double or whatever it is that his mom needs to be healed he will have internal conflict.

>>8629260
What the fuck is wrong with you?? 2 is a goddam alien, look at her torso:leg ratio wtfffff

>>8629393
sounds convoluted and poorly structured

>>8629012
4,2,1,3
>>8634379
its the perspective

>>8629250
Wow it's like a faggy version of Pascal's wager

>>8631526
I love it. when it started out I expected the generic "and the prof kills the student and steals his work" stuff but having stories actually come alive in students house is interesting. would make a good short story, only thing lacking is direction where is this going. will it turn out thatprof is one of the characters or will prof fall for a creation and try to force a happy ending? basically yes, its happening but to what end.

>>8631532
Don't say outright that they are demons, side track it into lost boys with demons

>>8631546
would be more interesting if everyone around hime spiraled. also what is his character?

>>8631948
oldest story in the book needs something more
>>8632000
does he keep memories?

>>8631546
Would be more interesting if he lived a normal life full of normal peaks and valleys and held it together on the outside but still succumbed to the mechanical meaningless helplessness of everything and murder suicided his family

imo

>>8632189
>>setting where humanity under the fedora empire (placeholder name) is systematically wiping out all the old gods in the name of enlightened atheism
>>wandering knight teams up with a god living in a sword to do random bits of good around the world, earns the ire of fedora
>>his sword is also a QT girl who he fucks
>>they fight monsters and fedora knights
>>that's pretty much it
so mass effect with Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance? Im going to root for fedora empire

>>8634364
>maybe have it be made up drug. just call it the blue or something like that, with minimal details

That could work better. I have it where MC takes drugs and fucks according to those effects. An allusion to the effects without saying the drug gives the reader something to chew on.

>a conspiracy

>MC gets taken in by a cult that MC believes is his true calling.

That's my initial ending but it sounds too wishy-washy. I just have an idea of a cult that says we are inhabited by other souls and their evidence is when people read there's a voice in their heads that read to them. Complete bullshit but when I ask people if they read in a voice in their heads they say they do for a while afterwards so I'd like the fuck with the reader in that way.

>>8632276
Have you read hitchhiker's guide?
The mc's nemesis in that book is similar to what you describe. He's constantly being accidentally murdered by the MC and subsequently reborn until he eventually figures it out and reincarnates into killing machine.

>>8632203
>Fantasy world mix of Roman times and traditional Japanese culture
no. everything else also seems to have been done to death and has a sappy tone. would rate it lower than "Into the Badlands"

>>8632203
>>Has a child with her, but the baby and her both die in an accident
a drunk chariot driver i suppose

>>8632306
>> Main character is a halfbreed between a Dwarf and a Human, disliked by just about everyone in the Dwarven kingdom
lazy
>Dwarven MC in the tombs, why? Because well he's kind of a dick towards everyone and it was really just a way for him to get the weapon and bump off his nephew who brings great shame upon the Dwarven royal family because of his half blood
needs better and more pragmatic reasons. also go full edge and have him leave humanity out to die under the dragon and then have him kill the dragon so Dwarves can have the world (also maybe have them be aliens instead of dwarves, dwarves and elves are so moldy)
>have MC put a poison on the hilt of the sword as a pragmatic "just in case" it can be his final "fuck you" as he dies with the antidote

>>8634432
>That's my initial ending but it sounds too wishy-washy.
does not sound bad. What does the cult do? it could be a fun ending with an opening for a sequel

>>8634449
>a drunk chariot driver i suppose
kek. a comedy full of such cliches could be fun. imagine all the hard boiled max payne shit but in rome

>>8634324
"normal" people see it as just another form of giving your body up,even if it's one of the worst ways to go, although completely dying is the most feared thing.
Not being absorbed into an organic network or having your body turned into a host is taught as the worst thing in existence.
The creatures are avoided as no one wants the uncomfortable experience of meeting someone you once knew fully human

rebels are not organized, mostly sporadic pockets who are more feared than actually capable of attacking. A scene with captured people being fed/turned to a mining parasite that needs a human framework to begin it's lifecycle occurs where the MC has to watch without emotion while the description focuses on controlling his own reaction and interaction of human organs

>have you seen shin sekai yori?
No, but i am trying to avoid magic as it opens too many doors and alternatives to the story.

The world, at it's core, is just one where humans have expanded, and populated and grown so much that the only way species could survive was piggybacking the race. Cultivating these new organisms, ones with actual intelligence were bred, who bred their own organisms and so on and so forth, with a war between humans, between organisms, and between humans and organism for survival.

>I would say avoid horror focus more on beauty of transformation
Going for neutrality on transformation, as I feel it would read better if i can make the reader accept it as an everyday experience, paralleling it to how a metal hip or a mechanical hand would be accepted here, but considered disgusting to the level we find body horror.

MC has just discovered the world he lived in every day now makes him want to scream, so i need a separation between what's happening and how he feels about it

>There is one about microbe cult taking people over
A big part of it is that people aren't taken over in the sense they cease to think, but they slowly give up bodily function for survival. It's like:
>your immune system has been starting to lose the battle against vicious bacteria, to combat this a creature that will cover your mouth and nose, filtering it and depositing anti-bacterial cells into your body to hunt down invaders, in exchange it uses your steady breathing for energy, will require feeding and will collect information on possible breeding grounds as you travel. Also your mouth rots away.
People are completely fine slowly losing control until they have none and at which point they accept they are no longer human become their task/job

>>8634327
thanks

>>8634479
>avoid magic
There is no magic.its psychic powers. the story is about post war world between humans and psychic. war ended, psychic empire collapsed because they were all crazy fucks, true humanity is dead and the world is made up of human like beings and even the rat people are modified ex human slaves.
>Going for neutrality on transformation, as I feel it would read better if i can make the reader accept it as an everyday experience, paralleling it to how a metal hip or a mechanical hand would be accepted here, but considered disgusting to the level we find body horror.
true. by beauty I mean omission of some things or not reminding about them too often, people think vampires are sexy because they forget that they are dead bodies and most don't have an understanding what a dead body is like.
>People are completely fine slowly losing control until they have none and at which point they accept they are no longer human become their task/job
yeah that is a nice horror element right there.

>>8629012

>>8634495
>rat people
one of the most horrific things that awaken in me the desire to see all the rats die was them capturing 2 psychic kids, lobotomizing them(being lobotomized is one of my fears) and breeding them with each other so rats could have a psychic kid as a weapon. could be a good reference

>>8634518
There is also a whole village stature about keeping your emotions in under control so you dont blow up the world. people who can't are purged so parents are stuck acting like its no big deal that your sibling was taken away in the night.

>>8634525
oh and if you pick it up, watch it. the manga seems to just be thinly veiled porn(main characters are spliced with bonobo). its one of those cases were executive decisions improved the story

>>8634469
>What does the cult do?

Heaven's Gate type thing but the leader can't remember which celestial event, engaging in a discussion about the anthropic principle and mass suicide. Cult finally decides on when an obscure film is next on tv, potentially staving off death for some less zealous members. MC says they can watch the film online via the tv, thanking the Gay Mafia for doing something good in developing online streaming.

> Story ends in a fugue state, unsure if MC is alive, the cult was actually right or in the throes of death.

No sequel

>Shitty title is "Surrogate Lover"
>Protag is a man in mid 20's, depressed after huge break up
>Location is Japan in 20XX in the middle of one of the worst declines in child birth in japans history
>protag tries several ways to sedate himself from the pain of the break up(Using things such as host clubs, those fuckin onaholes and lap pillow shits)
>government resorts to experiments in trying to fix the declining birth rate
>MC Takes part in experiment
Shits kinda incomplete. Didnt know where the fuck to take it but i kinda knew where it was headed. I had Harlow's dependencies on monkeys in mind.

>>8634535
cult could use being more zany to be more in line with the tone of the book.

>>8634555
change the country.
>Didnt know where the fuck to take it
figure it out. seems like another "her" type snoozefest
>Protag is a man
make her a woman for originality. Im stick of the "pathetic men seek comfort from machines" stories. Im also displeased by how it leads to anti sexbot mindset in the media and some of the general pop

>>8629981
Let's not kid ourselves. These threads are good for a chuckle and little else because no one with any worthwhile ideas or actual talent is dumb enough to post them in "it's not like it's going anywhere" threads.

>inb4OP's faggy stock reply about how no one here has anything worth stealing

>>8633161
Not specifically, no. There are bits and pieces from many mythologies, working under the assumption that they all coexist. Every fantastical story from every culture is true in one way or another, and "magic" existed right up until about 500 years ago when it died out on a large scale except in isolated pockets where mythological beings cling to existence.

Most of the creatures that feature in the story are British, Scandinavian, or East European, however, with the occasional cameo appearance of something from farther away.

>>8629012

>young man arrives in Korea with twelve samsonite cases full of strange but apparently legal equipment
>he's on a work visa
>suddenly famous kpop idols start to go missing
>wax effigies of the missing idols appear around Seoul in the womens' favorite haunts, lovers' homes etc.
>the effigies are accurate down to the most minute details
>details only someone on the most intimate terms with them could know
>some of the details are a surprise to everyone; new tattoos, abrasions, odd swellings, raw skin where ink has been scrubbed away, the wax bodies dressed in unfashionable clothing or strange makeup

The police respond by beating the shit out of perverts and looking in drainage ditches in podunk farm fields. I'm not sure how it ends.

Alternate history trilogy.

>Poland, 1729
>Poles have fought off an Ottoman invasion from the south and have kicked their asses into North Africa.
>Son of an army officer and gunsmith joins the army under command of his father's war buddy
>fights turks all the away to North Africa and eventually links up with the other two armies and the surround Syria and destroy the Ottoman Empire.
>fast forwards 10 years later. His unit is ordered to Dutch Guyana to fight the French and Spainish and gain a foothold in the New World.
>americas literally throw local governemnts to the wolves and start flying homemade polish flags and accept poles without resistance
>spends 6 years stationed in Colombia
>get sent to North Poland because there has been an uprising but they dontget there in time. Aristocracy have overthrown the new King.
>main character retires from duty
>marries the daughter of the queen who was in power when he served
>becomes royal advisor to the new queen

Plots all there but im too busy to write it out

>>8634427
well, I was aiming more for knightly romance meets daoist mysticism in a vaguely unreal fantasy setting, but I guess harem meets scifi porno isn't a bad label either.

>near future, main character gets sent to gimmicky prison
>prison only meant for people with life sentences
>roughly first half of sentence is spent in solitary confinement, only interaction is when someone brings food
>second half you are given more privileges (books, internet, etc) but you have to make your own food and also make and deliver food for another prisoner

Can't decide if I want to make it so that after your life sentence you are given some super pill that resets you to your youth and puts you witness protection or some dumb shit like that

>>8631532
I had a similar idea about a demon being released due to Marcellus Shale drilling.

>>8634610
+ you would not want it stolen. its mostly good for hammering out ideas and making sure you are not writing like a faggot. not showing off finished unique product

>>8634611
>its all true
The new lazy method that overcrowds any setting

>>8634626
sounds like good kdrama. drop the
>some of the details are a surprise to everyone; new tattoos, abrasions, odd swellings, raw skin
it makes it obvious the statue is made made the killer but at first it could be a mystery if the statues are made by the killer who had access to the body or superfans. you could even have few red haring were a different series of statues is made by fans. What is the timeline between them going missing and statues showing up?

>>8634669
Why does the reader care?

>>8634925
in the modern genre fiction it all ultimately goes to balrug having been released by dwarves mining mythril

>>8634922
The point of a life sentence is for you to die in jail. if you were getting a second chance then they would just make it 20-40 years so you can still have life after jail, deaging would be pointless. no parole hearing? also long solitary is considered torture so your prison is not for rehabilitation thus no point in resets. They get unearned privilege, it seems likes like a gimmick prison and more like a dumb prison that wastes everyones time and money.

>man realizes he can pass through walls
>thinks he's insane
>goes to a doctor
>doctor tells him a legend about a beast that can cause this kind of "ghostness"
>man drops everything in his life to pursue his monster
>man eventually finds this monster but it's ambiguous whether it's real or he's just insane

>>8629250
>>a once deeply spiritual man driven by his desire to understand the cosmic order and the mystery of god loses his faith. He realizes that there is no inherent meaning in anything.

>>upon his deathbed, realizes that it would have been better to have lived and died with his faith regardless of ultimate truth. Realizes that we are the purveyors of our own meaning too late.

why this is dumb:

a) you usually don't choose if you want to lose your faith or not, it happens by itself and therefore he had nothing to blame himself in, he didn't choose to die without faith
b) losing your faith doesn't mean that you got closer to the ultimate truth, albeit you might think so

>man is very depressed
>man isolates himself for a long time
>man one day decides to get out of comfort zone
>makes friends with someone
>has a good time with someone
>reads into someone's actions as possible interest
>someone never actually liked man at all, not even as friend
>man realises how disgustingly unlovable he is
>man's family despises him, man has no friends
>man books hotel
>man runs a warm bath in hotel
>man lies down in warm bath and cuts his arm in a crosshatch
>man dies
the end

>>8635015
>he's just insane
is that the cover of why doctor would tell him this bull and why he does not try to get rich with this skill?
>>8635016
>a) you usually don't choose if you want to lose your faith or not, it happens by itself and therefore he had nothing to blame himself in, he didn't choose to die without faith
desu. if you lock yourself away from all contradictory information it just means you already have doubts

>>8635026
What are his dying words? how about The light burned me

> 1950s
> teenage korean go protege in go school, he's the best in his class
> he's ranked 3 dan, trying to get to 4 dan
> 4 dan players are exempted from draft
> needs to win this next game in order to become 4 dan, escape from war draft
> this is all told in retrospect as an old man
> intricate details of the go game, like 400 pages worth, and relating the game to important life lessons the man has learned
> etc...

>>8635059
make sure the old man does not give away of he gets drafted. maybe drop the old man since it shows that even if he got drafted, he still lived, it lowers the stakes.
>draft
sounds unpatriotic. maybe better to do hikaru no go. also tournaments don't work well in book for

>>8635063

thanks, yeah i was wondering about the stakes thing... maybe i'll add some story with the old man that progresses slowly as the recollection takes place - like he's in a prison or something and his trial is coming up... i dk

>>8629393
>giant anteater druid that think's he's a dragon

tsundere too

s-silly, don't look at that, it's my dragon tail

>>8635063
>of
*if

>>8635075
>my dragon tail
and tugging on it makes me cream my pants

>>8635079
vulgar >< i thought about anteater's tail

>>8635081
you must be picturing dragon tail as euphemism for penis but in reality its a common trope for half animal people to get aroused if you pull their tail. also its not vulgar , its lewd

>>8635081

>>8635084
i dunno why that anteater druid even wants to be a dragon when anteater is much cuter and anteater of a dragon's size is probably similarly dangerous, except for flame breathing

>>8635089
omg

>>8634352
What is the story called?

>>8634227
>Why did he play
Because he doesn't want to lose hia face in front of his gf, his friends and himself, also it's about 25000 dollars
>If it's only hallucinations or not is not explicatly said. It could also be a bad dream of the protagonist, some irrational fear he has. The story isn't meant to make sense, it's about transmitting this feeling od existencial terror.
>will she leave him
Not said either, not in the focua of the story. They had a bad argument before the story started and he doesn't think very highly of her.
>why not in silicon valley
Because fugu is japanese local cuisine and american fugu gets imported from chinese fugu farms where they aren't poisonous at all. The fugu in japan are caught fresh from the ocean and are poisonous. Also when he jumps into the ocean in japan it's his natural habitat.

>be me
>Spoiled rich boy spending daddy's money in Rio
>Have twin brother
>Fuck twin brother
>200 pages of narcissism and wild sex with strangers
>Reader realizes that twins are hot
>Reader masturbates violently
>Page 201, existential crisis sets in for narrator
>Weird shit for 100 pages
>Narrator is obviously unreliable
>Hold up, was the twin brother ever real?
>When did sex and feather become the same thing?
>Reader is filled with shame
>Reader reads an interview of the author
>Author says book is a Christian allegory
>Reader goes to church
>Dicks out for Christ

>>8634942

It's an obvious historical power fantasy like the British Empire continuing to expand to the present day (RIP) or the Confederate States winning the Civil War.

>>8634941

People might also think that the whole thing was a publicity stunt by the idols themselves.

>What is the timeline between them going missing and statues showing up?

I don't know how long it takes to make a good wax model. Maybe it takes months. I thought that the foreign serial killer (kidnapper? rapist? arcanine?) might work for one of those Bodyworks companies or a wax museum and have some accelerated process. 3D printing maybe? Gosh, this writing stuff is hard work.

>>8634941
>>8635313

I also thought that he might brainwash our poor heroines into thinking they weren't famous anymore, and then dressing them in unusual, frumpy, clothing and taking away their perfect makeup. That way he could turn them loose and just check up on them from time to time. Unlawful confinement is probably hard, difficult work IRL, so why not work smarter, not harder?

>>8629393
>>8632344

That's funny. I'm also working on another world story.

>The protagonist, female, always dreamed about getting transported into a medieval fantasy world
>By chance, her wish finally comes true one day as she is magically summoned by a divine being into a land of might and magic
>However, the protagonist is no longer a girl, but a jaded, social recluse in her late thirties, embittered when her dream never came true
>Uses modern martial arts and knowledge to defeat her enemies, while viewing everything as a casual, inconsequential video game
>The people of the other world end up treating her as a monster
>We find out that in spite of the other world being a typical backwater fantasy land, its inhabitants are actually of a higher moral and spiritual integrity than the humans of Earth today
>Involuntarily banding up with a runaway knight princess, the protagonist who initially treated the world as a shallow game environment, begins to slowly warm up to it as she learns more

I set to writing this with the idea that rather than a "hero" herself, the main character is like a mid-tier boss monster in a video game, while the people she meets are the real heroes.
The story is already complete, now editing!

>>8633520
Eh, I feel like that'd be too convenient, so I'd like to avoid making the protagonist too competent too early. It's still on the table of course.

Also keep in mind that I want to have a group of secondary characters helping out the protag, so introducing a consultant could work provided they're an interesting character and not just a plot device.

>>8635122
>i dunno why that anteater druid even wants to be a dragon when anteater is much cuter and anteater of a dragon's size is probably similarly dangerous, except for flame breathing
That is transphobic of you, its like asking why a man thinks he will be happier in a body of a woman and why he thinks his self hatred of his body will just go away. what preconceptions of the female body does he have?

>>8635187
The Hermit(„განდეგილი“ ) by ilia chavchavadze critics say its his weakest work but I like it. have not read it in English before, Im just going to copy paste I translation I found which maybe inaccurate. its not a story but its so long that I remembered it being a story (its been years since I read it)

>>8629012
>Closet play
>A collection of entwined comic tragedies
>The plot is driven by Helen of Troy's actions; she never appears on stage, in voice or in body, though her actress appears in ending credits [this feels too gimmicky]
>The characters are Achilleus, A forgotten rodelero supposedly named Peter, Smile Man and The Kid, Oswald the Wizard, Leonard (a mover), and of course Helen; all shown characters are deliberately men, and the most important character is deliberately female (this is not involved with feminism)
>All characters fight with each other in a series of loose episodes
>This all takes place in a New Mexico motel that is blatantly in Real Mexico
I feel like this is a pretentious cluster fuck. Problems to improve? Anything good to continue?

>>8635187
I
There, where Mount Kazbek rears his noble brow,
Where eagle cannot soar, nor vulture fly,
Where, never melted by the sun's warm rays,
The frozen rain and snow eternal lie;
Far from the world's wild uproar set apart,
There, in the awful solitude and calm,
Where thunder's mighty roar rules o'er these realms,
Where frost doth dwell and winds sing forth their psalm;
There stood in former days, a house of God,
Built by devout and holy men, the fame
Of that old temple still the folk hold dear,
And Bethlehem is still, to-day, its name.
The ice-bound wall of that secluded shrine
Was hollowed out from craggy, massive block,
And, like an eagle's eyrie on the cliff,
The door stood carved in the solid rock.
Straight downward from this gate unto the path
There hung descending a rough iron chain,
And save by that strange ladder's aid alone
Man could in no wise thereto entrance gain.
II
In days of old, monks left this world of woe.
And there they dwelt devoted unto God,
In that wild wilderness they sang their songs
Of praise, and in the path of saints they trod.
There they withdrew to seek God's solitude,
There they abandoned all earth's vanity,
And, in that everlasting dwelling sought
To fit themselves for God's eternity.
Those holy fathers sacrificed this world,
And, for the pain they suffered in that shrine,
The mountaineers revered them, and they sang
The praise of good deeds, and grace divine.
And by the people still that place is held
So holy, even now, that in the chase
A refuge there the wounded beast may seek,
For there no huntsman dares to leave his trace;
None save the man whose life is given to God
Can rest within that ruin's sacred shade,
And he who breaks this law must perish there
By swift, avenging lightning's trenchant blade
III
And there, in yon forsaken hermitage,
An anchorite took up his lone abode,
He left the fleeting world and, set apart,
Gave up the present for the life with God.
Far from the dwelling of the sinful man,
Far from the realm where wickedness holds sway,
Where e'en the just man scarcely can escape
From Satan's tempting power; where, night and day,
Man is pursued by evil, like a thief
Which tries to seize upon him unaware;
Where, e'en if right be known by its true name,
The hand of sin will still all evil dare;
Where faithlessness, corruption, rapine dwell,
And brother for his brother's blood doth lust,
Where discord turns the purest love of friends,
By scandal's breath, to hatred and mistrust...
He left that fleeting world where every gift
Is as a snare, and beauty but a lure;
The devil uses even virtues there
To wile th'unwary, and his prey secure.
.

>>8635187
>>8635483
IV
Alone the hermit dwelt, amid this ice,
A solitary anchorite, his mind
He troubled not henceforth with painful thoughts
Of all the sinful cares of human kind.
He banished from his heart each worldly grief,
Each thought, concern and wish that was profane,
That he might stand before the judgment seat
Of God, with spirit pure and free from stain.
Both day and night, with lamentation, prayer,
And scourging martyred he, for his soul's sake,
His flesh, and, like a vessel wash6d clean,
With tears he strove his spirit pure to make;
Both day and night, with sighing and complaint,
The icy rocks re-echoed forth his groans,
And his fast-flowing, suppliant tears ceased not
In that lone home of weeping and of moans.
Far from this transitory earth apart,
His spirit like a flower there did bloom;
Each worldly wish was calmed and laid to rest,
And all desire was buried in the tomb.
V
He was not old — upon his saint-like face
His soul's nobility was pictured fair,
It could be seen his spirit was the home
Of other thoughts than those of worldly care.
His features melancholy, thin and sad,
Yet beamed with loveliness of grace divine,
Which from his deeply wrinkled, lofty brow,
Like bright encircling halo, forth did shine.
So gentle and so sweet was the deep thought
Expressed in his clear, meditative eyes,
It seemed as if in them was mirrored forth
Virtue herself, arrayed in modest guise;
As if, with gently gladness, they rejoiced
At Paradise's open entrance gate,
Together with his soul, to meet their Lord,
And hastened on, with faith secure, elate.
In fasting and prayer, with body weak,
He lived like holy martyrs who attain,
By many roads of suffering and of woe,
To glory, conquering heroes over pain.
VI
His witness was accepted of the Lord,
Who hearkened to His Humble servant's sighs
And, as a token of His grace, vouchsafed
A miracle in answer to his cries.
In the dark cell wherein the monk did pray
The window faced the dawning day's first gleam,
And downward, in a flood of lustrous light,
The rays of sun and moon did through it stream.
And o'er yon solitary mountain peak
When rose the sun's glad rays of morning light,
Through that small window in his lonely cell
The beam shone down, a column broad and bright.
Lo! when the hermit prayed, it was ordained
That on the ray his book of prayers should stand,
And on that solid sunbeam did it rest
Secure and safe, by God's divine command...
Thus passed his days, and thus rolled on the years,
And as a sign that God approved the way
Wherein he walked, thus pure and without sin,
This wonder was performed day by day.

>>8635187
>>8635483
>>8635485
VII
One evening, from long vigils weary, worn,
Forth through the door he dragged his limbs, and fixed
His meditative gaze upon the plain
Stretched, verdant-carpeted, the hills betwixt.
The setting sun had not yet sunk to rest,
Behind the mountain's summit still he beamed,
And round the peak, like fan of flaming fire,
The heav'ns with a broad-stretching glory gleamed,
Like to a brazier, burned the bright blue sky,
And sparks of yellow and deep crimson-hued,
Glittered among the clouds; bent back by them,
They trembled with a thousand tints imbued.
The hermit was entranced, and raptured gazed —
So wondrous fair, so glorious was the sight —
Upon the splendour of the glowing sun
As on a living picture of God's might...
But suddenly the wind arose; o'er rocks,
Ravines and caverns blew the stormy blast,
And, like a serpent, over Kazbek's peak
A dark low'ring cloud, swift gliding, passed.
VIII
It crept along, tyrannical, immense,
And stretched across the heav'ns' expansive vault,
Then burst the thunderclap, and roared with rage,
As one who doth his deadly foe assault.
The heaven and earth were straight with trembling seized
At that loud noise, that terrible uproar —
Then sudden darkness overspread the sky,
And hissing hail forth from the clouds did pour.
Upon the earth, all intermingled, burst,
With furious din, the thunder, lightning, hail,
The raging wind blew fiercely 'mong the rocks,
With angry whirl, a wild, strong, howling gale;
All these together strove, so that it seemed
As if God oped his vials of wrath, and hurled
An awful judgment down from heaven that day
As retribution on His erring world...
But now the monk took refuge in his cell,
He prayed, with fervently upraised hand,
Before the Virgin's image, that the Lord
From sin and ruin would redeem the land.
IX
Then suddenly, he heard a human voice,
And, startled at this unaccustomed sound,
Again he listened, and he heard beneath
As if one called from out the mirk profound.
Quickly unto the door the hermit ran,
Against the ladder saw a bending form,
And lo! a childish voice cried out aloud
And begged a shelt'ring roof in that wild storm.
Say, can it be a son of man who roams
In this fierce deluge, on this awesome night?
The wild beasts e'en lie cow'ring in their lairs,
In fear they flee the fury of God's sight!
Who art thou?" said the monk, "Art thou a man?
Or evil sprite sent by the devil here?"
"Human am I — I pray thee shelter me!
For God's love, save me now from death's dire fear!
Dost thou not see that heaven is well-nigh rent
And, overwhelming, on the earth doth press?
Is this a time for words! Oh, pity me!
Refuse me not a refuge in distress!"

>>8635187
>>8635483
>>8635485
>>8635488
X
"Thou sayest well. If thou be son of man
'Twere sin to leave thee to the storm a prey;
If thou be spirit ill, then God must wish
To make a trial of His poor monk this day.
Come up whoe'er thou art! God's will be done!
Hold fast this iron chain, and have no fear
It is a ladder safe, footholds there are
By which a man can mount securely here!"
At last he reached the monastery door;
Climbing the steep ascent of that rough chain.
The hermit met him "What or who is this?"
In the deep gloom he asked himself in vain.
"Come in, who'er thou art. I'll shelter thee,
Take refuge here, kneel down and pray,
This is my cell, and lo! it is God's house;
Here many a knee hath bent before this day."
He led the way; into the cell they came;
Here was the darkness deeper, e'en despite
The ashes of the almost burnt-out fire
Which in the gloom gleamed with a feeble light.

XI
Now, when God's Mother let this new-come guest
Into the cell, and showed of wrath no sign,
The monk said in his heart: "'Tis son of man,
And not a spirit harmful and malign!"
The stranger sank down quickly, numbed and wet,
And stirred the cinders, then recumbent lay
Upon the hearth, with both cold hands outstretched,
Over the dying embers' fading ray.
"How cold it is!" exclaimed the shiv'ring guest,
"Ugh! Ugh! I'm frozen into stone!"
The hermit started at the sound, 'twas like
A maiden's voice, he trembled at her moan.
Could it then be that fate had hither sent
This shape in woman's guise to be a test!
And, like a flash of lightning, came this thought
Into the horror-stricken hermit's breast.
But e'en if fate had sent this for a trial,
It must have been by God's own self designed;
Therefore he took it from the Lord in faith,
In confidence and peace of heart resigned.

XII
"Hast thou no firewood?" asked the visitor,
"Go, bring some here and light a fire! A load
Upon my back, to-morrow, will I fetch;
But let me warm myself, for love of God!"
The hermit, from the corner, brought some wood
To light the fire anew; the blaze that beamed
When it was kindled, fast dispersed the gloom,
And through the darksome cell it brightly streamed.
But when the ray, cast from the lighted fire,
Upon the stranger guest, there seated, glowed,
A picture of enchanting loveliness
Unto the hermit's wond'ring eyes it showed.
Full of bewitching beauty, full of life,
A youthful maiden by the fire reclined,
Of noble mien, yet meek, she seemed; her neck
Was bare, and graceful as the timid hind.
The beauty shed abroad from her black eyes
Disputed with the warmth cast by the glow
Of firelight, and beneath that conquering gaze
It yielded up to her, and flickered low.

>>8635187
>>8635483
>>8635485
>>8635488
>>8635490
XIII
The grace of Love herself, if she desired
To picture forth the beauties of her mind,
And if she dwelt incarnate on the earth,
A fairer semblance could not wish to find.
One could not say if grace adorned her form
Or if her form was ornament to grace;
E'en envy, hatred's self, could naught descry —
In that fair maid, of fault there was no trace.
Who would not tremble 'fore her glorious eyes,
Her brilliant cheeks, and bosom heaving high?
Look at her lips!... It seems that Love has left
A kiss imprinted on them tenderly...
Who is not drawn and captivated held
By mighty Beauty's all-enchanting power?...
'Tis said that by its influence subdued
The savage beasts are tamed, and gentle cower.
And e'en that hermit stern, severe and sad,
Grew gentler and more mild, by beauty swayed;
With sorrow in his guileless heart, he gazed,
His eyes held captive by the lovely maid.

XIV
At length he asked her: "Who art thou, my child?
What can have brought thee to this desert drear,
In such rough weather, when the tempest wild
Has almost flooded earth, afar and near?"
"A shepherd lass am I. Down in the lap
Of Kazbek's mount my father's flocks I fed;
Deceived were the sheep by the fresh grass,
I followed them, and on they still were led.
Fair was the evening, when the setting sun
Was glowing, and upon the sky I gazed
Until I could see naught but heaven's vault,
For in its brilliant light my eyes were dazed.
The great sun shone, surrounded with bright rays,
Behind the mountain peak, and heart and eye
Were ravished with the beauty of the sight —
'Twas like God's face that beamed so fair on high.
I quite forgot to heed my father's words:
'My child, trust ne'er yon mountains, for I've seen
The stormy blast sweep suddenly from heav'n,
Although the sun rose glorious and serene'.
XV
"It matters naught! Come," said my eager heart,
'Dost thou not wish this wondrous scene to view?
Intent I gazed... but Kazbek suddenly
Frowned fierce, and clouds o'erspread the heavens blue.
In one brief moment all was darkness drear,
And from the mountain blew a chilly wind.
I wish'd to take the sheep home ere nightfall,
But 'twas too late, the way I could not find.
For suddenly the storm came sweeping on,
Like drops of lead the hail began to shower;
I trembled for the sheep, but could do naught —
In that deep gloom fear robbed me of all power.
Indeed this mountain treacherous is, and false;
For sudden darkness had obscured the day,
The smiling heaven had changed to sudden hell.
And all my joy was turned into dismay.
Ah! why did L not heed my father's words!
What will befall me! Woe is me! They say,
I've heard it oft, that those who disobey
Their father ne'er can prosper in their way.

>>8635493
>>8635187
>>8635483
>>8635485
>>8635488
>>8635490
XVI
"I, disobedient to my father's words,
Had lost the sheep. I only was to blame.
But (canst thou tell me?) how can one avoid
The law that fate inex'rable doth frame?
It was not for the flocks I grieved alone,
'Twas that my father dear would be alarmed —
I am his only child, he loves me much —
Ah! sorely would he grieve if I were harmed.
The sheep were gone — they were his sole support,
His only means of livelihood and gain —
Yet, were I only safe at home once more
He would not frown, lest he should cause me pain.
I stood in that wild storm on yon hillside;
Upon the land, from heaven, the deluge poured,
The mountain shook and trembled to its base
Beneath my feet, while loud the thunder roared. —
What could I do! Where could I hope to find
A shelter from the tempest's raging blast?
Shall I be bold, and strive to reach my home,
Or trust to fate until the storm be past?

XVII
"But if I stay — who knows if I am safe
From this dark night's impending, awful doom!
If I go forth — in some deep, rocky glen
I may be dashed to pieces in the gloom...
Yet I resolved to take the homeward path;
And said: Whatever comes to pass is good!...
Nor canst thou say that I mistook my way;
For here in safety presently I stood.
I felt the chain, and then I knew that this
Must be Mount Kazbek's far-famed, saintly shrine;
Full often had I from my father heard
That here a monk lived for the life divine.
With joy I called aloud, and called again;
My voice was powerless 'gainst the raging wind.
'Woe unto me', I cried, 'if none can hear,
If on this night no shelter I shall find!'
But God had mercy on me, and at last
My cry He carried through the storm to thee —
I need not tell thee more — thou know'st the rest —
May God save thee, e'en as thou hast saved me."

XVIII
"Thanks are not due to me that thou art safe,
For God alone can save the child He made;
He ever stretches forth a helping hand
That He may all His chosen creatures aid..."
"It seems thou thoughtest me a spirit ill!"
"Be not amazed nor troubled in thy mind,
What being in the world would visit me,
A lonely monk forgotten by mankind!"
"Hast thou no ties upon the earth, no friend,
No brother, sister, kin dear to thy heart?"
"These had I once; to all I said farewell.
To serve the Lord, from yon world did I part."
"Hast thou lived here for long?"' "I cannot tell."
"Thou canst not tell!" "My child, from all the fears
Of yon fast-fleeting world apart I dwell.
What reck I of the flight of passing years?"
"And dost thou live without a human friend?"
"To me God's holy will was thus revealed."
"But why should God desire that man should stay
Alone amid these icy rocks concealed?

>>8635495
>>8635493
>>8635187
>>8635483
>>8635485
>>8635488
>>8635490
XIX
"May God not be displeased, nor thou, O monk!
For I am very ignorant in speech...
When in yon vale below I watched my flocks,
And looked up here, as far as sight could reach,
I often pondered o'er my father's words:
'That there a monk dwelt, in those realms of ice,
Who for his soul's sake suffered solitude',
And of his body made a sacrifice.
This tale surprised me, for I could not think
How this should be a pleasing deed to God;
He surely could not be displeased that man
Should love the world where He Himself had trod!
I said within myself: 'How can this be?
'Why did God deck the earth and make it fair
'If man should look upon it as a curse,
'And leave the world and all its beauties rare?
'Should I abandon all, all earthly ties?
'From all my friends, and home, should I depart?
'O God, forgive me! 'tis too hard a task!
'I could not with such ease crush my poor heart!'

XX
"How canst thou bear to leave the world of joy?
Its pleasures sweet thou surely knowest well!
Death sways all here, but there is gladsome life:
Here grief abides, but there delight doth dwell.
Hast thou from thy crushed heart torn ev'ry tie?
Does love no longer linger in thy breast?
Hadst thou not brought grief hither with thee too?
Do care and sorrow ne'er disturb thy rest?
Do dreams of home ne'er haunt the weary hours?
Dost thou ne'er for thy friends and parents pine,
Was there no heart to make thee happy there —
No heart which throbbed in harmony with thine?
How couldst thou leave all love?"... "Hear me, my child!
The soul is dearer than all vain delight;
It is a captive in yon fleeting world,
These joys are chains that stay its upward flight."
"Are all who dwell within the world then doomed?
Must we all hopes of safety then forego?"
"Salvation's road lies open unto all;
This is life's way for me-a way of woe!"
XXI
"A way of woe!" These words he scarce had said
When chilling horror seized the hermit's heart.
Such words betokened bitter discontent —
How could complaint in his calm life find part?
"A way of woe!" 'Twas cry of suff'ring soul
Sunk 'neath the load of sadness and distress —
'Twas like a sobbing sigh, a mournful moan
For joy departed and lost happiness...
What had he lost? Should he not gladsome feel
That from the weary world he had withdrawn,
And all its fleeting fancies flung aside
That for his soul a day of rest might dawn?
It cannot be that still he casts behind
A longing look on life and its delights,
When upward, e'en to God's most holy throne,
Sweet immortality his soul invites.
What had come o'er him? What had moved him thus?
It could not be that now he mourned his fate,
And felt regret that he had yielded all
To Him, who every being did create!

>>8635497
>>8635495
>>8635493
>>8635187
>>8635483
>>8635485
>>8635488
>>8635490
XXII
He dares not own himself displeased with God;
The soul that trusts Him He will never leave.
Was not God's blessing generously given?
He could not wish for more — why did he grieve?
Yea! Yea! His grace was all he could desire...
Then, whence had come those words of deep despair?
Around his cell he glanced, oppressed by fear,
As if perchance some lurking fiend hid there.
But none was there... none save the wearied maid,
Who, sunk in slumbers soft, in silence lay,
While lovingly on her the firelight glowed
And flickered o'er her face, glad and gay.
Bewitching was she as she lay asleep,
Adorned in beauty and all charms of love,
As if, seeking to make her fair and good,
Both love and happiness together strove.
Beauty divine seemed to have shed on her
All the rich treasures of its boundless store,
And, as the nightingale's upon the rose,
So beauty's soul upon her cheek did pour.
XXIII
And when the hermit gazed upon that face
The stormy waves that tossed his heart were still.
Surely some secret force held him enslaved
That he must look on her against his will!
What power is this that o'er him casts its spell?
Is it delight, or sorcery's fell snare?
His eyes were traitors to his mind's command;
He tried to turn away, but still stood there.
Long time he looked... then into his cold heart
At last there streamed a ray, so tender, warm —
He trembled, yet he felt the trembling sweet...
What gape it such a strange and subtle charm?
His agitated heart heaved with quick throbs,
Ne'er had he felt it thus before this day,
He heard the melody of silver strings;
As on a lyre, love on his heart did play-
What meant this sweetness hitherto unknown?
He could not tell this tender feeling's name;
If it was sinful, why was it so like
Immortal life, his soul's incessant aim?
XXIV
A step he took — himself he knew not why —
Calm and serene still slept the wearied maid,
And pleasing thoughts pursued her in her dreams,
While round her parted lips a proud smile played.
And that seducing smile so sweetly hired
Th'enchanted gazer to a fatal kiss,
None could deny those soul-enticing lips,
Not e'en an angel fresh from realms of bliss.
Now, lo! the unhappy monk bent down his head
To kiss her face... but seized with swift alarm
He started back... 'Twas death's delusive snare
That sought to draw him by the maiden's charm.
He was not vanquished? Nay, it could not be
That now his faith had lost its former power —
The thirst for holiness that filled his soul
Would surely last until life's latest hour!
He could not cast away God's holy gifts,
The welfare of his soul and grace divine.
To change them for this earth's harassing cares?
For passing worldly pleasures dared he pine?

>>8635498
>>8635497
>>8635495
>>8635493
>>8635187
>>8635483
>>8635485
>>8635488
>>8635490
XXV
But who is this that calls reproachfully,
"Hast thou not fallen into fatal fault!"
Who cries, triumphant o'er his wounded heart:
"Art thou not vanquished by my first assault?"
Whence comes this sound of noisy, mocking laugh?
What merriment is this that greets his ear?
No one was there; and yet, it could not be
That this loud laugh was born of naught but fear!
And tremblingly, with terror, he looked round;
He was alone… still slept the unconscious maid.
In haste he rose, and, filled with wild alarm,
Before the Holy Virgin bent and prayed.
Is there no help? E'en looking on that face
The same dismay the hermit's heart assails,
'Gainst that curst laughter, fraught with deep reproach,
His erstwhile potent prayer naught avails!
His soul entreats his erring heart to pray,
But all its earnest efforts are in vain;
E'en kneeling 'neath the Virgin's sheltering gaze
He cannot his rebellious will restrain!
XXVI
He looks upon the holy Virgin's face,
His supplicating eyes entreat her aid —
But, woe! her gracious smile beams not on him,
Before him still he sees the shepherd maid.
What brings that form again before his eyes'?
Is it of flesh, or but a phantom pale?
Or has the image of God's Mother changed
Into the likeness of a mortal frail?
Since he has fall'n, does God not deem him fit
To look upon the Virgin's holy face?
Has He performed a miracle divine
To bring His erring servant back to grace?
He tries to cross himself, but lo! his hands
Refuse to move; he seeks to breathe a prayer,
His tongue is mute; he, thirsting for God's smile,
Can see naught save the cursed maiden there.
"Now, canst thou still resist?" and in his cell
The mocking laughter re-echoed forth once more.
No longer could the unhappy monk remain;
But, like a madman, rushed forth thro' the door...
XXVII
...The day was dawning, fair the morning broke,
And from the heav'ns the clouds were chased away,
While o'er the tranquil earth a zephyr breathed
And everywhere peace held her potent sway...
But who is this with wildly waving hair
That runs among the rocks with trembling dread?
It cannot be the monk!... 'Tis he indeed!
O'er his pale face a death-like hue is spread.
See how he stands upon the very brink,
And gazes longingly on yonder peaks,
As if he on those lofty mountain heights
His last and only consolation seeks.
He watches for the sun's first rising ray;
Why doth it tarry? Why doth it delay?
Until this day e'en Time itself was naught,
Why doth a moment now cause him dismay?
— The sun arose! Into his cell in haste
The monk returned, by dawning hope consoled;
For through his window streamed the sun's bright beam,
And stood there like a pillar, massy gold.

>>8635501
>>8635498
>>8635497
>>8635495
>>8635493
>>8635187
>>8635483
>>8635485
>>8635488
>>8635490
XXVIII
His heart was calmed... Once more with timid trust,
His eyes he turned towards the Blessed Maid;
Once more the image smiled upon the monk,
Looking with favour on him as he prayed,
"O God! Thine anger then is turned away!"
And thankful tears forth from his eyes did well.
He laid his book of prayers upon the ray;
But, woe! the unhappy man! alas!... it fell.
Before the hermit's eyes the light grew dim;
Fear seized his fainting heart, and hopeless dread;
With a wild, Availing shriek of woe he fell,
In that bright beam, from earth his spirit fled.
* * *
And there where saints once sang their grateful hymns,
And glorified God's wondrous works and ways,
There where they offered daily sacrifice
Of lamentation, love, and prayer, and praise,
There, midst the landslips and the broken stones,
Only the wind moves to and fro, and sighs
While, fearful of the mighty thunder-clap,
Within its lonesome lair the wild beast cries.

THE END

>>8635220
>Because fugu is japanese local cuisine and american fugu gets imported from chinese fugu farms where they aren't poisonous at all. The fugu in japan are caught fresh from the ocean and are poisonous. Also when he jumps into the ocean in japan it's his natural habitat.
Im just saying it could be an underground US resturant for extreme eating where the chance of poison and cook fucking up or just them doing russian roulette with food is more likely than some Japanese guy fucking up the job he has been doing for years

>>8635266
>Reader is filled with shame
I think you mean the reader gets even more aroused. cruel intentions is really up for a more saucy sequels
>>8635273
yeah a polish power fantasy. it would be niche market even if you sell in Poland and even there its not likely to be loved

>Set in small mining town, Nova Scotia, 1930's.
>Man who lives alone and in complete isolation due to extreme social anxiety
>simply being around people makes him want to die
>doesn't leave the house, just reads old books left to him by his weird parents
>one day, the groceries stop being delivered to his front door
>waits about 3 weeks inside, hears strange noises during
>finally leaves due to hunger
>town is deserted, or so it seems
>breaking into peoples homes the man discovers that everyone in the town became overcome with anxiety and locked themselves into their rooms
>everyone is dead from starvation or thirst
>strange noises become louder, edtrich sounds coming from the mine
>sounds like words from some of the old book he read
>grabs a pistol and lantern and heads to the mine to find out what happened
>his anxiety turns to fear as he approaches the mine, so dark and spooktacular.
>man travels deeper and deeper into the mine and the sounds and whispers get louder
>man feels like he is going insane, gets to the breaking point when he reaches the bottom
>feels and hears breathing at the very end of the mine, in the darkest shadow
>shadow begins to move and he loses his mind, drops the lantern and begins running at full sprint
>falls, stumbles, crawls into a corner, the whole environment is pitch black.
>man kills himself in total fear and madness.

>>8635313
>3D printing maybe
printing a phone case takes like 3 to 5 hours. human sized print would take a lot of time and materials needed (both the costs and amounts) would be very easy to track. it would also instantly rule out fan made work since it would cost too much

>>8635432
instant switch to jaded, social recluse will kill the connection to the young version

>>8635481
>Helen of Troy's actions
Im falling asleep.
>all shown characters are deliberately men
zero fucks given. if you want to be interesting add some female characters but have men play them(even Helen) as a throw back to the classic theater

>>8635522
>Im falling aseep
Understood, but why? What could make it better? -- It's so vague because it's undecided, so even general advice works.
>as a throw back to the classic theater
Interesting idea. I use women to play men, or use it straight.

>>8635511
meh. would rate lower than Amnesia: The Dark Descent
>1930
why?

>>8635523
>Understood, but why? What could make it better? -- It's so vague because it's undecided, so even general advice works.
maybe its me but I hate greek mythology in media. it has been butt fucked and played out over and over and over. now when I hear its connected to the story, I just tune out
>I use women to play men, or use it straight.
yep

>>8635524
Because that's when the mine started booming.
more people = more anxiety/taking isolation to the extreme
also, I like that time.

>>8635530
>more people = more anxiety/taking isolation to the extreme
take it deeper. do human version of this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Z760XNy4VM
set in small mining town

>Following a global plague, most of humanity is dead and nature has reclaimed most of the planet
>What's left of the human race has gathered in cities that are divided up into Zones that signify their level of advancement.
>Blue zones are where the wealthiest and most important people survived and technology has continued to advance thanks to a population of geniuses and their robot servants.
>Green, Yellow and Red zones are just degenerating society with Red being active war zones.
>Grey Zones are the ghost towns of the old world. No one but loners wander here and there are no permanent settlements.

>MC is a bodyguard for a Blue Zone official, assigned to look after his daughter
>One night the daughter gets kidnapped because the MC left her room alone for a short while.
>MC is fired and the daughter is rescued, with all the kidnappers killed except one who escapes.
>MC decides to go into the grey zone to find him and get revenge
>Goes out into the old world to find him
>Teams up with a green zone student journalist who's out here writing her master thesis.

>>8635508
Yes, you're right about the japanese cooks. They have to learn 2 years before getting the license for preparing fugu, but the thing is that if the cook really fucked it up the friends would die too.
Also you don't transform into a fugu from its poison, so it's more likely that the protagonist had a preexisting condition that got triggered by eating fugu. He, who was the one one panicing in the first place, was the only one who tranformed after all.

>>8635545
would rate it lower than Blood of Eden by julie kagawa

>>8629012
>ISIS captures a town full of Yazidis, slaughter the men, take the women as sex slaves
>a few girls escape, make it to a refugee camp, but their friends/families are still held captive
>Kurdish army won't do shit. American and Canadian planes bomb ISIS but won't put troops on the ground
>girls decide to learn how to shoot, get rifles from the Kurds, train hard, and go back into town and fight ISIS and save their families

>>8635555
>preexisting condition that got triggered by eating fugu
maybe he is a shapeshifter with a strange trigger and some incident in the past gave him a trauma about it or maybe he is just crazy. helps play on uncertainty especially if you add in a supernatural element, in a supernatural setting reader tends to assume that everything else is also real but just because you have atlanteans in the background, does not mean the MC is a werewolf

>>8635563
>one of the girls writes a book about it
>other girls will downvote it saying she is giving bad name to her region and that is not how it went down.
topical shit is trashlit. like all the seasonal political books by talking heads from tv

>>8635541
Your a genius, I'll do that!
I'll write it in the style of Blood Meridian.

The last manuscript I finished had a broad plot, but the kernel was

>After a male sex slave's master is killed he is sold to a caravan with his master's daughter in accompaniment. As they journey across the desert he becomes revered among the slaves, but increasingly conflicted as he is aware that if he should return home it will inevitably lead to uncovering the conspiracy which caused his capture, with war following closely.

The story follows multiple characters who are in some way connected to this kernel. It should also be noted the central thread is not strictly human, the most important detail is that they are motivated to mate by parental instinct rather than sexual urge, and they can't conceive with anything besides their own species. They aren't "super human" or anything, or have long lives. It's not a power fantasy story.

>>8635567
anyway, this actually happened, and I did a year of research, met the girls, and am writing the book now.

>>8635502
kind of wondering if anyone read it and what they think about it

>>8635555
>Also you don't transform into a fugu from its poison
What a shock!

>>8635567
>>8635573
Snap, anon got told!

>>8635527
>maybe its me but I hate greek mythology in media. it has been butt fucked and played out over and over and over. now when I hear its connected to the story, I just tune out
That seems aesthetic more than anything; I understand, but I kinda think that if, during reading, it remains an issue -- that's just because my work sucks. To me, at least, if I read a good work of an "aesthetic" I hate, it brushes away any reluctance I had (for the duration of that work).

In this case, Greek (specifically classical) motifs are used deliberately. You touched on some other ones, which makes me want to look into Aristotle.

>>8635522
>Im falling asleep.
I think it's okay. But I'm a sucker for myths so whatever.

>>8635570
sounds like stormlight archive slave bits and few others I have seen.
>revered among the slaves
why? why not go with nutrality
>most important detail
how is it important?
>conceive with anything besides their own species
Does it turn them against "cultural enrichment"

>>8635573
aha, prob as real as this
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1486193/

>>8635517
>switch

The young version never plays a role, is just described. The story begins from the moment of summoning and we follow the adult the whole time.

>>8635579
>Snap, anon got told!
I'm surprised you typed out words "Snap, anon got told!" and never had second thoughts

>>8635596
so she did not get summoned till she was old?

>>8635556
So we're talking like an 8/10 then?

>>8635605
Yes, that's why she's jaded in the first place.

>>8635596
I guess I should have read it better. how long does her seeing it as a game go on for? how does it not fall apart after the first kill?
>inhabitants are actually of a higher moral and spiritual integrity than the humans of Earth today
Why?

>>8635591
>sounds like stormlight archive slave bits and few others I have seen.

Never read.

>why? why not go with nutrality
He's highly educated and incredibly kind, that's the basis for his want to interact with the other slaves who are largely savages, and his previous master's daughter, and her character development.

>how is it important?
He doesn't enjoy intercourse. Which is significant when you're a sex slave.

>Does it turn them against "cultural enrichment"
They're an isolationist people. There are a number of reasons for this. Firstly, they can't lie, and secondly they possess an incredible beauty. If one of their women is seen unmasked by a human, the human will be compelled to rape and cannibalise that person, hence why the most beautiful thing they are able to covet is the men.

I derived it from the idea of the hijab, that if a woman does not cover her head she is inviting rape. I took that idea and turned it literal.

It's a pretty detailed world, there isn't any magic or anything like that, but there's significant lengths when it comes to discussing the economy, and things of that nature.

>>8635621
3 out 5 if you can write a comfy atmosphere

>>8635628
I've played a lot of STALKER if that helps.

>>8635626
>Never read.
I used it mostly because, there is lots of shit posting about it on /lit/ so assumed most have read it. read it to get what I mean.
>rape and cannibalise that person
have you at least watched perfume story of a murderer?
>He's highly educated and incredibly kind
>can't lie
>possess an incredible beauty
hmm
>He doesn't enjoy intercourse. Which is significant when you're a sex slave.
not when its natural to you to not enjoy sex. not enjoying sex is significant only if you are meant to enjoy it but have been so "broken" that you just can't, not even with people you love.
>they can't lie
so do you the usually thing of omissions not counting as lies?
>I derived it from the idea of the hijab, that if a woman does not cover her head she is inviting rape. I took that idea and turned it literal.
are you the same guy who "did a year of research and met the girls"? point of a hijab
is modesty and to cover what is for the husband to see. also you can't tell a hijab from a burka (the thinking is the same)?

>>8635634
is the reporter qt? how hard boil is the MC?

>>8635625

She has no way to tell for certain if it's really another reality and not just an advanced computer simulation or something. The modern etertainment industry has rendered her unphased by blood and gore.

Her character is contrasted by the princess she meets, who, as a knight, adhers to a strict code of chivalry, displays respect towards all living beings, even her enemies, and always tries to find a peaceful solution to conflicts.

For example, when they first meet, they get into an argument when the protagonist wants to take the gear of a dead knight. To her, it's just free loot, while the princess sees it as desecration and corpse-robbing.

The reality starts to hit the main character after she's separated from the princess and the latter gets into trouble with local aristocracy. However, that doesn't mean she will become a better person. Even as she accepts the world as real and views the princess as a friend, her immorality and straight up homicidal approach on things remains as material for black comedy to the end.

>>8635642
Yes, reporter is a qt. MC is meant to be fairly chill, light-hearted at times but still ashamed of fucking up so badly, so they're trying to redeem themselves.

Also, a secondary story of a hitman retracing the MC's steps trough the Yellow and Red zones but I'm not sure where that story is going yet.

>>8635645
so far she seems like a logical pragmatic person while the world seems goody good. at first it even seemed like you were doing another story that shits on humanity for no reason (like avatar)

>>8635640
>are you the same guy who "did a year of research and met the girls"? point of a hijab
is modesty and to cover what is for the husband to see. also you can't tell a hijab from a burka (the thinking is the same)?

It was derived from the principle of the head-dress, that men are unable to control their actions. I did not go through a catalogue of each headscarf and it's purpose. It's a fantasy novel, I tried to right something accessible, although what I created ultimately wasn't.

And no, I'm not the same guy.

>so do you the usually thing of omissions not counting as lies?

They are unable to purposefully mislead another person. They are however, able to refuse to give a lead.

>have you at least watched perfume story of a murderer?

I watched it, but I don't remember much.

>>8635653
>MC is meant to be fairly chill, light-hearted at times but still ashamed of fucking up so badly,
good. being bit of a goof and not going around like he has a stick up his as would help it make an easy read.

>>8635657
write*

woops.

>>8635660
Yeah, half the reason I'm writing this is because I wanted something that was just fun to write. I find that if I take my work too seriously I just get bogged down because nothing is ever good enough.

>>8635657
>It was derived from the principle of the head-dress, that men are unable to control their actions.
orthodox christian women wear head covering to church and many slavic women did throughout the years. its not all about sex. have you read moontide quartet?
>I watched it, but I don't remember much.
Did you add in cannibalism as "ultimate form of love"
>I did not go through a catalogue of each headscarf and it's purpose.
don't go in deep but just name drop it so its kind of out there that it exists. far too often in fantasy it feels like species just have 1 outfit style, one language, etc

>>8635595
It's called reading the news, you should try it sometime. Also, this notion that any story written about something that is currently being talked about must be trashlit is ridiculous. Anyway, I don't really care if snobs like you like my book, I'm aiming for sales. You can sit in your middle class house in your self-righteousness, and I'll console myself with my royalty cheques.

>>8635481
I wish it was set in Ancient Greece.

>>8635656

Yeah, that's not the intention. Rather, I want to show that good and evil are just perspectives. Nothing is without shades of gray, and that is both the strength and weakness of humanity.

The princess is presented at times naive with her convictions, yet on others, it's the beauty of her pride and chivalry that moves the people around her. Meanwhile, the MC's brutality becomes at times a saving force, while on others it just makes things worse for everybody.

>>8635679
>orthodox christian women wear head covering to church and many slavic women did throughout the years. its not all about sex.

I never stated it was all about sex in real life. I said the idea is what it inspired me. The mask in the novel is multi-fauceted as well, for example, the race in question give the a mask to cover the female's face for marriage, instead of a ring.

>don't go in deep but just name drop it so its kind of out there that it exists. far too often in fantasy it feels like species just have 1 outfit style, one language, etc

There are few different languages detailed, certain outfits, but ultimately I'm a very minimalist writer, I hate inane details.

>Did you add in cannibalism as "ultimate form of love"

I didn't.

>>8635696
>The mask in the novel is multi-fauceted as well, for example, the race in question give the a mask to cover the female's face for marriage, instead of a ring.
Do they take off the mask that the father gave them and put on the mask husband gives?
>I never stated it was all about sex in real life.
just expect people to read implications into it.

>>8635700
>Do they take off the mask that the father gave them and put on the mask husband gives?

They're isolationist. They live in a large depression in the ground, which is walled off from the outside world. They don't wear it inside their own territory, unless they are aware of guests, which is very rare, and guests are also supervised. Guests would never be allowed near children.

Due to their ability to betray they always end up on the short stick, and the majority of their men are slaughtered in each civil war, since they're always on the losing side. This makes them pretty pivotal, because in a place where allegiances are constantly shifting they're a sole rock of solidarity, much to their dismay.

This also causes huge resentment, as it means there are no easy take-overs, and every civil war is a blood-bath which weakens the country significantly.

>just expect people to read implications into it.

Doubtful, It'd have to get published for that to happen and that's very unlikely.

>>8635718
inability*

>>8635718
>majority of their men are slaughtered in each civil war
Does that have any effect on social dynamics?
also im bit tired so Im having hard time thinking of how inability to lie would lead you to lose a war, could you give an example?

>>8634439
No,I haven't read it

>>8635734
>Does that have any effect on social dynamics?

To an extent, they're very incestuous and on average have seven children per family. Women are much more highly regarded and are considered sacrosanct, because after a war the society is going to become female dominated.

>also im bit tired so Im having hard time thinking of how inability to lie would lead you to lose a war, could you give an example?

Generally, dynastic cycles go like this; Ruling dynasty eventually becomes corrupt, there's a civil war, boom, slate is wiped clean, a new dynasty gains power, there's prosperity for a period, dynasty becomes corrupted, civil war, etc.

Their inability to lie isn't war disadvantages them in combat, rather, the ends of dynasties are inevitable, and so they will inevitably end up on the losing side. The conspiring powers would also be firmly aware of their allegiance, and only move when they are assured of victory. They also arguably maintain the corrupt rule longer than it should exist, as they are unquestionably loyalist.

When each new dynasty comes into power they however allow them to rebuild, because then they are able to have a power base which can never has its loyalty challenged.

>A guy, framed for the murder of his father
>find out he's some kind of mage
>coolio.png
>there's a whole secret world even more hidden than the illuminati
>every so often has to adjust his understanding of 'wierd' now that he's seeing the 'real' world
>really he's just riding by the seat of his pants
>doesn't even know what to do with this
>eventually gets around to using it to prove he's innocent
>then, revenge
>now not sure if he should continue his late father's business legacy or to go back to adventure

I'm having to think up a new way to frame someone with murder because my initial plan just looks retarded in hindsight.

>>8635690
No fuck you

>>8635511
>lovecraft/10
Could come out interesting if you have the writing ability, the end seems kind off dull though. But it's the way, not the destination, right?

Most of the story ideas here sound directionless or boringly masturbatory. All the people with cool ideas are just not posting, I gather?

>>8635856
Yes I do. It sounds fun that way, but like this it just sounds there.

>>8635749
>sacrosanct
would not it be opposite, they have lots of women and they would have to do most of the menial labor. monogamy would also take a hit.
>cycles
if its cycles than why do they keep pledging to new rulers?

>>8635919
a few posts were ok, there were 2 I would defiantly read

>>8635937
which ones?

>>8635959
>>8634196
>>8631526

>>8631517
why though? who would want to read this?

>>8635928
>would not it be opposite, they have lots of women and they would have to do most of the menial labor. monogamy would also take a hit.

No. The vulnerability of their women, on account that the sight of them spurs humans to violent action means they're very protective. They're an agrarian society, people who are proficient in warfare are uncommon and not highly regarded. They're monogamous, but generally there's an age disparity, with the women being older.

One of the central plots involves one of the said persons who is a strong fighter, a trait which isn't highly regarded. He's endlessly pestered by older sister to return to their homeland so they can start a family, but he refuses because he feels he needs to prove to her that his merits are valuable, else he won't feel himself worthy.

She's also motherly figure to him, as it's not uncommon with large families for the older siblings to mother younger ones.

One of the central themes is their inability to betray, lie, or change. They're extremely rigid, and most of their tradition is unchanged.

>cycles
if its cycles than why do they keep pledging to new rulers?

The contract is such in that they're forced. They occupy a great depression, a crater really, caused by an asteroid hit. It's made the land mineral rich and makes it ideal for farming, providing tenable grounds.

All this being said, most of the characters are human, and it's largley human centric. This specified human alteration, humans and pygmies make up the bulk of it.

The northern pygmies are actually probably my favourite.

>>8635981
>The vulnerability of their women, on account that the sight of them spurs humans to violent action means they're very protective
but you said humans don't come into their settlements that often and you can still work in full ninja outfit.
>with the women being older.
fertility does not get lower with age?
>They're extremely rigid, and most of their tradition is unchanged.
yes the systems described seem counter productive to saving them from their doom.
>needs to prove
What is their take on approval of others? yes they war with some but what of cultures who they fight side by side, who approve of warriors.
>he won't feel himself worthy
would not proving himself in more social acceptable way help that better? has he failed at all other jobs?
>The contract
Does not that die with each revolution?
>They occupy a great depression, a crater really
the whole species has only 1 settlement?

Here's my idea. I worry that my outline (and by extension story) is going to seem super cliche in the beginning but I'm fairly confident in the overall plot.

>Portal dumps dragon in form of man named Sal
>Dragon is severely injured and unconscious
>Dragon wakes up and begs for mercy until he realizes Sal is afraid of him
>Dragon attacks Sal and casts a spell on him
>Spell somehow backfires, both parties wind up with lifelines connected, the death of one means the death of both
>Sal realizes cops are probably on the way, convinces dragon that they need to run to avoid being shot
>Two avoid the cops on foot for an hour while Sal waits for his friend Zach to bring up his father's giant BMW so they can transport the dragon
>Entire time Dragon keeps alluding to past interactions of humans with dragons
>It's clear the interactions weren't friendly
>Zach manages to rescue the two, they start driving as far away as possible
>Begin discussing strategies to get the dragon home
>Dragon is strangely quiet during this process and completely stops talking after they drive by a major city
>Zach gets hungry, they stop at a McDonalds and get food for everybody
>Dragon immediately breaks down in tears when they offer him food
>Manages to choke out an explanation of what's going on
>Dragons recently lost a war with elves in which they used forbidden magic
>As punishment for war crimes the elves are banishing their entire race to Earth
>Dragon was merely a test case for the portal spell, chosen because it was his idea to use forbidden magic in the first place
>Within two weeks almost two million other dragons are going to be transported
>Dragon informs Sal and Zach that the dragons plan to attack humanity instantly after being transported, due to their past interactions with humanity
>Dragon has come to realize that humans have so far surpassed them in terms of technology that this plan is suicide
>Sal and Zach are immensely concerned
>Realize that they somehow need to stop this from happening
>The group eventually turn themselves in to the authorities and inform them of what is going on
>Book morphs into political thriller as they try to convince the government to not kill the dragons on site, and to figure out a way to communicate to the dragons that they shouldn't attack
>Ends with the dragons successfully contained inside a perimeter with only minor casualties, but with both sides essentially in a standoff only one can win

Writing all that out I realize that the pacing of the story may be a bit off. Maybe I should stretch out the section before the dragon tells them everything?

>>8636060
How big is the dragon? Why are they named like final fantasy characters?
>Entire time Dragon keeps alluding to past interactions of humans with dragons
seems like an inorganic expo dump.
>Book morphs into political thriller
bait and switch will put off a lot of people. just look at reviews of iron dragons daughter.
>Ends with the dragons successfully contained inside a perimeter with only minor casualties, but with both sides essentially in a standoff only one can win
unsatisfying. can dragons breed with humans?

>>8636053
>but you said humans don't come into their settlements that often and you can still work in full ninja outfit.

They're still a very small minority.

>fertility does not get lower with age?
Naturally, but they're very good at breeding.

>What is their take on approval of others? yes they war with some but what of cultures who they fight side by side, who approve of warriors.

Interacting with the outside world isn't viewed as positive, if they could they would cut off their domain and jettison it into the ocean.

>would not proving himself in more social acceptable way help that better? has he failed at all other jobs?

It isn't that he has failed, but rather that he is inferior at other jobs, specifically when weighed against the kernel of the story. Combat is the only thing he is excels at, due to his large frame and size.

>Does not that die with each revolution?
It doesn't.

>They occupy a great depression, a crater really
the whole species has only 1 settlement?

Yes. They're not originally from there.

>a bunch of teenagers who attend a school of sorcery
>main gimmick is that all the sorcerers are descended from a legendary creature or deity
>main character is part leprechaun, and has some time-manipulation powers
>her boyfriend is part minotaur
>plot-light slice of life series about how these kids deal with their differences

Think Monster High meets X-Men.

>>8636082
Dragon is about nine feet from nose to tail tip, and just barely able to fit in a large sedan after he rips out all the seats.

The bait and switch is something I'm concerned about. There will be some mild action sequences inside the last 2/3rds of the book, but I primarily want to write a story that's about conflicting motivations and trying to play politics. An earlier outline cut down the initially action sequence severely (Sal and the dragon quickly escaped the cops, who didn't believe the 911 call anyway), but other people encouraged me to lengthen it.

The ending is also tricky. It's trying to set up a sequel but I don't want it to be unsatisfying.

For most of the book the protagonists are convinced that 90%+ of the dragons are going to be killed, so the fact that almost all survive is actually a huge victory. Does that make it any better?

As to the breeding thing, no. I had somebody recommend that the dragon should fall in love with eithe Zach or Sal for (ostensibly) comedic purposes, but I know the guy that submitted that was a furry, so I decided against it.

>>8636082
>>8636142
One other thing: why do you dislike the names? I named my protagonist after my Uncle, and Zach after a friend. I thought those were fairly standard, non-intrusive names.

The dragon is named Syralth but he's a dragon. He had an excuse.

>>8635626
You might consider calling the other race "houri" to extend the Islam metaphor.

>>8636060
I figured out that by writing out the actual story you learn more about what you expect from the story and where you want it to go.
Sometimes you only find out the genre once you get the story down.
The biggest problem is that the character introduction of the dragon character, the invasion of the dragons, and the lifeline connection are all things you need to take care of early if you want a political thriller with fantasy elements.

That's probably a chapter, doesn't explain why the MC figures into it beyond he's got the secret link to the dragon and knows their history. The whole invasion part is completely subverted so theirs a lot of tension built that loses steam immediately, so you can do
Act1)Group collects, shares info, decide motive
Act2)dragon human war shit, group trying to end stuff
Act3)group in contact with humans after they win the war and have the dragon's penned, history reveal 'no we are the dragons'. Then whatever you want.

Personally, I want an ending where they all get put into a wildlife reserve.

>>8635626
Muslim here

That is NOT the purpose of the hijab/niqab/burqa etc., omg(subhana wa ta'ala), please do more research if you're going to use a real-life religion as a basis for your setting. Read the Quran!!

>>8636132
Would read actually.
Is it comfy?

>>8636156
The establishment of the dragon and the lifeline currently happen in chapter 1. The reveal of the invasion doesn't come until later—probably around chapter 5, unless I decide to cut out most of the action.

When it comes to the war, I'm trying to approach it from a different angle. A major plot point is that the dragons, despite their ability to fly, fire breath, and magic, have absolutely no chance against humanity. Modern weaponry (and especially aircraft) will rip them to shreds almost immediately, and there's one general who actually wants to just detonate a nuclear device immediately after they show up, which would kill almost all of them in a single instant. The tension doesn't come from any kind of fighting, but from the possibility of what is essentially forced genocide constantly hanging over the characters' heads.

The main character is mostly involved by chance. The government officials he is working with make a lot of the actual decisions, but they eventually decide to use him as a spokesperson for certain things, which is a role he struggles to fill.

The government actually wants to send him home, but Syralth refuses to work with them unless Sal is involved—mostly because Syralth is unfamiliar with humanity and sees Sal as a useful guide.

>>8636179
Well, it's not comfy like an SOL anime. Some serious stuff happens. It's meant as a YA series, so there's gonna be some teenage sex and all the drama that comes from that.

>>8636132
I hate you and think percy jackson meets one of those superhero school stories.

>>8636142
>The bait and switch is something I'm concerned about.
it can be downplayed if you have control over advertising and don't have them promising to much dragon magic action. which is unlikely to happen unless you self publish
>For most of the book the protagonists are convinced that 90%+ of the dragons are going to be killed, so the fact that almost all survive is actually a huge victory. Does that make it any better?
depends, MC could come off as an over reacting fool or the world can come of as stupid for not killing them. Why does he care if they live or die, is he a friend to all living things? dragons don't seem nice.
>dragon should fall in love
dragon is female?

>>8636207
I never read Percy Jackson so I can't really say there are any similarities.

I will say though, that while most of the mythology derives from the British Isles (Arthurian legend, Beowulf, Leland's Gospel of the Witches, etc.), there are at least two characters who have a Mediterranean basis; the aforementioned minotaur guy, and the main villain who claims to be descended from Thoth.

>>8636217
>dragon is female?
>Syralth but he's a dragon
so was he a gay furry?

>>8636156
>history reveal 'no we are the dragons'
you wut?

>>8636164
SWEDEN YES

>>8636199
>The government actually wants to send him home, but Syralth refuses to work with them unless Sal is involved—mostly because Syralth is unfamiliar with humanity and sees Sal as a useful guide.
Why don't they force him? "he stays or I walk" usually work only in situation where the side saying it has the upper hand

>>8636217
If marketing fucks me, well, that's not really my fault. I doubt this will get published anyway.

The MC cares for a few reasons, some of them noble ("this would be a great evil and I can prevent it") and some selfish ("I am going to make so much cash from a book deal if I can help save everybody" and "This is finally my chance to do something that actually matters").

The world's reaction is, for the most part, fairly rational. Only a few actors want to go right to murder but most agree that human lives need to be saved at all costs.

The dragon is male, and yes, the friend who suggested it is a gay furry.

>>8636231
The government mostly does it to humor the dragon. They also don't really mind having Sal around after a day or two—some of his ideas are actually pretty good.

>protagonist is actually Jesus Christ. Comes back for the 'second coming' and when I mean comes back I mean he is completely reborn as a child goes through growing up and everything. something fucks up on the way from heaven to the womb and he completely loses his memory of who he is. He ends up growing up in a modern suburban town doing everything exactly like other teenagers getting drunk fucking girls doing drugs hood rat shit the like. but he has a much higher degree of knowledge about the universe. In the end he is asked by God to die for everyone's sins again. He does but not out of him wanting to save everyone. He does it simply because "fuck it"

>>8636269
snoozefest. no new twist? I read a comic were they cloned Jesus from some old DNA and world lost it shit. your story seems more focused on message than storytelling

>>8636132
Literally Percy Jackson minus the end bit

>>8636277
Hmm twist. I guess your right I should work on a specific plot goal or something. It was just an idea I had one day. I'm not sure what message, if any, I'm trying to give out. Do you have any tips?

>>8636285
nah, I feel using religion or anything well know is a crutch and limits the flavor of stories

>>8636278
I wonder if everyone is just drunk on their idea like I am and once you understand that you want to publish it you realize that it's just a jumble of all the stuff you've read.

I think that goes for everyone. The cool part is when you read a guy that has many influences you never heard of but he knew well, so you can't predict where he's going with it or his line of thought which makes it interesting and novel.

>>8636296
Gotcha. Thanks for the input. I'm not a religious man myself just so you know

>>8636315
The point of mixing things is to add something new and mix so well that influence is not as clear. This is not the first "lets post our ideas" thread on /lit/ that I have been in and each time im surprised by how unfamiliar with the modern lit the author hopefuls are or how blatantly some of them copy ideas approaching it the same way as comedians who think just referencing things is comedy.

>>8636336
That's what sells though.

YA wankfantasy.

>>8636344
its not what sells, its whats peddled. having observed some of the genre it became clear that 2 identical works can have very big difference in popularity. good publishing company/ marketing can take first time author mediocrity to at least 8.000 people while a similar story has hard time reaching 1.000 or even getting out of 200. social media and social pressure seem to have sold more books than actual authors. + you can still have mildly original wankfantasy

Comment too long to green-text properly.

>Protagonist is a 16 year old kid
>He's well-read, humanities-centric, fairly witty
>Loses brother/father (haven't decided yet), mother is unhinged as a result (background)
>The kid tries to do the right things and make the right choices
>Starts smoking, drinking, occasionally uses drugs, gets into nightlife, becomes self-destructive (Story starts during this phase, the background is implied or discussed by characters through the novel)
>Becomes more and more cynical, lots of focus on his relationships with others and how they progress/stagnate
>Emphasise the image he wants to project and the lengths he'll go to hide his "real" life from others when necessary
>His sense of morality fades away and he justifies objectively wrong choices by claiming he did what he thought was right
>He starts neglecting his responsibilities, takes a toll on his own and his mothers' life
>Story ends in his 20s, broken and burned out, still full of ambition but finally acknowledging his incapability to realize them

The question/theme: Was he a product of his environment and circumstance, or was his decline his fault and no one else's? Is he completely lost, or is there redemption?

I started 3 chapters so far. They're fairly short as they are right now, and I'm planning on merging them later when I have more content:

>The first time he falls in love. She's older and not very receptive. Possibly a teacher/private teacher/other figure of authority Does he love her because he lacks a respectable woman figure (a responsible mother) in his life, or is it true love?

>His late-night visit to a bar at the age of 18. He meets a 22 year old university student with a similar lifestyle and recognizes himself. The man is more put-together and he's seemingly wiser. As a cynical teenager, he considers his views and opinions superior to his peers and aches for someone he can talk about his interests without watering down the content or hiding his true opinions. They discuss philosophy and literature, and the protagonist decides not to reveal his true views and doesn't share his honest thoughts after the man points out the faults in his (the protagonist's) ways. He keeps up the image he shows to others even though he found a person who he previously considered the ideal partner for a sincere conversation. He goes home drunk and reflects upon the conversation. As he consciously avoided being "corrected", he focuses on the fact that he can't be honest under any circumstances lest he alienates himself from others. The first hints of self-doubt arise, he wonders if he really should second-guess his choices, but he's not ready yet. Obligatory conversation about Crime and Punishment because Raskolnikov's views on morality, and about absurdism because he's an artsy teenager.

>>8636344
by referencing I mean modem writers habit of dropping in doctor who or whatever else is popular to seem "hip" and them being in love with their nerdy character, works like those by C.T. Phipps which went nowhere but seem to have been read by some on /lit/ and lets not ignore the destructive influence joss whedon style had. bringing us authors who just throw everything into the pot and threat internal constancy like a sex toy. also the "topicals" who don't even have 1 popular work under the belt but feel compeled to lecture people in their works. fantasy and YA genres are so dead that every blurb reads the same, just with different convoluted words for same concepts. girl fantasy is all the same but male fantasy also does not seem to have changed much from my childhood

>>8636358
>>8636373
You've got to be peddled before you have a chance to sell.

It's a business, especially with literary agents being what they are, they want their job to be as easy as possible.

It's much easier to write, "Yeah, got some story about a vampire werewolf wigger and it's better than other one which sold a bunch, should be low risk medium return and ez money." Than trying to sell something fresh which you have to go to a great deal of effort to explain.

They want works which are "accessible" most of all, because if you alienate a huge portion of reading public right off the bat you're already severely limiting the amount you can sell.

>>8636366
>fairly witty
demonstrate his wit.
>unhinged
in what way?
>Loses
not to turn it into a comedy but could it be a kind neighbor named Carl
>discussed by characters through the novel
would you dump friends that did that?
>takes a toll on his own and his mothers' life
why, is she paralyzed or something?
>burned out
can you be burned out and still have ambition? What is his ambition?
>The question/theme
Why was not he put into therapy?
>Does he love her because he lacks a respectable woman figure (a responsible mother) in his life, or is it true love?
have no heard of "falling for older women because you have no respect for your mom" is this a thing in psychology?

>>8636387
So, wait, how can we determine if something is accessible?

Is >>8636060 accessible?

>>8636366

>His trip to a church after the realization of the wrongness of his ways. He looks for redemption in spirituality but can't find it. He starts to wonder what he should confess and what's justifiable and thus "not really a sin".


It's not very original I know, I had better ideas before, but this is the first that stuck with me. I've been wanting to work on this for a long time, and I finally got around to it a month or so ago. The few pages I've finished aren't final. As you can see I haven't decided on important plot points yet, so I'm sure I'll have to either completely scrap/rewrite some or all currently "finished" chapters.

My main issue is that I can't decide if there should be a 3rd person narrator or if I should tell the story through the protagonists' eyes. A 3rd person would help the reader look at the story more objectively, but what I wrote so far feels just a bit better in first person.

Btw. does anyone feel like conversations are the easiest to write? When I try to write descriptions, I can't keep myself within a certain "style". They turn out either stoic and "Hemingway-ish", or long and really descriptive. If there was a "short and meaningful-long and in depth" scale, they'd be all over the place, so I can't even choose, I can't say if I should conform to one or the other.

>Obligatory English isn't my first language and confession about being a newfag

>>8636387
I did not say fresh, I said mildly different. They also want 1 book per year or more, at least on fast cash street. very few get 5-6 years to craft stories thus a lot of molds are used.

>>8629995
the web serial worm has a character like this

>>8636394
>My main issue is that I can't decide if there should be a 3rd person narrator or if I should tell the story through the protagonists' eyes. A 3rd person would help the reader look at the story more objectively, but what I wrote so far feels just a bit better in first person.
first person seems the way to go. that way idiot actions may seem less idiotic and you can more freely gush over the 22 year old. That character is classic in lost boys and classic jump street type stories. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saZ7LnP8ME0

>>8636392
Accessibility has a lot to do with writing style, but it sounds like you're writing YA so I assume your style isn't going to difficult.

You use already established ideas, dragons, elves, McDonalds etc. Self insertesque protagonist thrust into a position of responsibility, making his viewpoint immediately accessible to the audience.

Sounds pretty accessible.

>>8636387
Then again who am I to say make quality work. I have seen crappy copies of enders game, battlefield earth sell.

>>8636395
Mildly different? In that it's some different girl fighting some different dystopian society?

Pressure to serialise is also a problem. I'm not a big fan of sequels.

>>8636392
yes. accessible means having no controversial/unpopular stance on anything. no ugly human emotions, unless the character/reader is oblivious to how ugly they are. no references, if your reviews have people complaining about how "I did not get it even after googling all the things" it lacks accessible. no long speculations about how physics of X world may work or on anything that sounds boring and specialized

>>8636419
>Pressure to serialise is also a problem.
I heard one author had 2 series ruing at the same time so she plagiarized herself to get the books out faster.I have not read both her works so I don't know for sure.
>Mildly different
No, more like have her love interest tell her nice sounding bull about her past life with him for it to turn out to be a lie. I don't know I can't think it up on a spot, pay me and I will get on it. Im sure there are some untapped aspects of the genre that don't destroy the aspects that make girls pick them up.

>>8636424
>if you want to get published, you must write genre fiction

>>8629012
How white woman can even compete?????'

>>8636424
>No ugly human emotions

Well, fuck.

>>8636407
Yay, I guess. My current style is a semi-stream-of-consciousness first person. Is that going to be a problem?

Maybe this actually will get published after all.

>>8636437
you can always self publish and hope the quality of your work will take you to fame. maybe you could help it along by submitting it into less important award contests like "best 100 book of the year from the first time authors" or something like that

>>8636388

His mother is irresponsible and on the verge of breakdown. She's emotionally unstable and does nothing but work and strive to provide for his son in her own way, but she's unable to do so because of her permanently depressed state of mind.

>why, is she paralyzed or something?

Sick and depressed, over-worked. His spendings and her willingness to provide leads to giving him money he spends on self-destruction, and it puts them in financial hardship. He makes the mother's life more stressful. His guilt keeps growing, her mother is put through more and more.


> can you be burned out and still have ambition? What is his ambition?

Maybe I used the wrong words to describe him at the end of the story. He still dreams of redemption and seeks to change, but his guilt keeps him down and his addictions (both to substances and to his lifestyle) are hard to kick. Sort of like the stereotypical old man at the end of his life, thinking about what could have been, but he's still young and feel there's a chance to begin anew.

>Why was not he put into therapy?

Haven't thought about that to be honest. That's why I like hearing constructive opinions especially in the form of questions. I'd explain that by the mother's irresponsibility and the kid's stubborness, along with the fairly okay image he manages to keep up in front of responsible and caring people.

> have no heard of "falling for older women because you have no respect for your mom" is this a thing in psychology?

More like falling for a mother-figure because his own mother can't provide the nurturing/guidance he needs. He's also looking for someone he can show his worth to, someone he can work to impress, so she has to be a woman of authority, someone "superior" to him. These needs (in his case at the least) lead to attraction to a woman who provides both: Success in his studies earns him praise from her, as a teacher of some sorts she provides guidance, and due to their friendly relationship she cares about him (altough not romantically). All of these are opposed to the actual mother, who can only provide material needs (money, food, a home) to his son due to her own mental state, neglecting his son's emotional needs.


I might have to scrap the chapters about his first-love if this isn't a well-known phenomenon, or at the very least I have to describe his needs without objectively stating the reason of his attraction, leaving the question up to the reader.

man wants revenge because some stupid drunk driver killed his wife
after years of self pity and alchol he tracks down the man who is out of jail but the stupid drunk has lost everything
he decides to help the drunk get his life back, so he can take it all away and finally have his revenge

>>8636444
>Asian women for white men
>white women for black men
>black women for asian men
>Hispanics stuck arguing among each other

>>8636468
>His mother is irresponsible and on the verge of breakdown. She's emotionally unstable and does nothing but work and strive to provide for his son in her own way, but she's unable to do so because of her permanently depressed state of mind.
and this is his problem, why? I have seen this situation in real life and at first the kid cares a lot but after years of the same shit they stop giving a fuck and hope their parent will die/measure their usefulness to them vs shit they put up with.
>Success in his studies earns him praise from her
to put it crudely, and yet the pussy can't lead him out of the darkness? he wants her to like him but not so much that he would make changes in his lifestyle?
>isn't a well-known phenomenon
men falling for older women is not new but I have not seen this reasoning before. Why scrap it if its something not often seen elsewhere. as long as it has basis in behavioral psychology definition, I see no reason to drop it. also he may not go into official therapy but in his teen years when he himself feels that he may need help you could give him a friend who acts liek a sounding board for his feelings as a type of therapy and he could talk to him about his attraction to this woman, maybe this friend in a coma, so you could side step MC's fear of opening up to people yet needing to occasionally vent his feelings. the experience would not really be fulfilling since the guy is in a coma but he would still feel mildly better. this maybe too cliche but guy in the coma could be the person who cost him his brother/father so you could have bit of irony were the person MC should logically hate the most becomes his only "true" friend

>self aware gorilla is suddenly overcome with a sense of nihilism as he mashes shit between his fingers.
>"God is dead" he exclaims as doo doo residue accumulates beneath his fingernails
>The gorilla's name is Benjamin, and he lives in a zoo with chimps, orangatangs, and baboons
>He is a total outcast, and the ape hierarchy leads to a captitalist dystopia. With the chimps being the political elite.
>Benjamin listens to the barious political philophies and platitudes espoused by the various apes.
>slowly becomes a communist
>gradually creates a vanguard of disenfranchised apes in an attempt to overthrow the current order and install a communist government
>he succeeds and massacres the baboons as he has become a furher like figure
>suddenly becomes redpilled and goes full 1488
>"it was the jews all along!" He cries as he falls to his knees in the rain.
>he stops being a degenerate and finds a traditional gorilla waifu
>story ends with him posting pro trump threads on /pol/

>>8636472
Does he fall for drunks daughter or something? Where is the monte cristo aspect?

>>8629012
> main character is a latchkey kid in high school to his lawyer parents who are distant
> bill gates type has a message from god and says god wants two kids at a specific place at a specific time
> of course main character is one, jock guy is another
> secret service type woman is escorting them, they're on the east coast and god wants them in colorado
> go see a dumb movie. main character gets weird messages from a homeless guy named bill
> kids do a press conference and same homeless guy is now in the audience dressed nicely as a reporter. someone in the audience tries to attack them
> america goes to shit as people are fighting over these two kids
> trying to get to colorado, get on a plane that is forced to emergency land in buttfuck nowhere
> walk and find a farm or some shit. religious family who gives them their car but asks them to leave immediately so they aren't in danger themselves
> before leaving kids get to call their parents. main character's parents don't pick up. jock and his family catch up.
> get some makeovers, destroy their phones, they're now traveling as a mom and her two sons.
> car crash / run off the road. black out and wake up in a cell with other kid. homeless guy is also there. they feel dread. they ask who the fuck this homeless guy is
> jock is religious, thinks they're doing god's will. main is not religious and a snarky bastard
> mom breaks them out of the cells. bill stays behind. they experience cthulu style terror and dread as they're trying to escape. they puke and cry and freak out.
> escape and elevator takes them up to the denver airport. creepy apocalyptic murals and all
> get to location, top of plateau. rich guy says god wants them to fight to the death
> people throw guns at them
> main guy kills himself
> end on interview with jock kid saying he spent 3 days with this kid and knew more about him than he knew about his own father. the interviewer asks if, after this experience, he thinks that we have a just god or a loving god. he stops to think.


(jesus paraphrasing my outline was harder than i thought. there's a lot i had to cut and this greentext barely makes sense. that was probably a good exercise for me. gotta work on my elevator pitch.

>>8636461
Well, thats the thing.
No one here cares about the business as much as the publisher does, yet we still want to write 'that book' that everyone thinks is cool and don't want our book to be like other books.
Most books like that don't sell very well. So at some point you're going to have to decide if you want to write for money or for writing then publishing and learning how to grow your audience online for attention and patreon scraps.

It really disgusts me how such great authors doing extremely complex and well written serials just make a patreon and maybe get like three hundred to a thousand a month for one the top web serials on the net.

It just boggles my mind that people write shitty stories and get published a whole lot easier than types who worry endlessly about it. Look at bridge to terabithia
One anon said it's because the author name is marketable or they built a following.

I'm starting to think as a writer just focusing on doing that well is more important than trying to make something that will sell. Those already exist in droves. They want 'your' book not a book you crafted out of reading chick lit until a fake african female name.

>>8636507

>>8636269
I think its funny.

>>8636516
sounds like a boring indie comics. find an artist and image comics will take it

>>8636396
yeah and she turns her crush into a muscle swan

>>8636524
>I'm starting to think as a writer just focusing on doing that well is more important than trying to make something that will sell.

It's more just about the opportunity to be read.

When you get letters back from literary agents all using the generic of, "It was really interesting, but it wasn't accessible. I don't think I'd be able to find a publisher for it."

It's extremely disheartening. When you're writing something which requires a high level of reading comprehension and patience you first have to convince the reader that it's worth the effort, that it's not just nonsense.

If Ulysses was written today by a nobody he'd have a hell of a hard time getting it published.

>>8636534
Thanks lol

>>8634922
have you seen Frankenheimer's Seconds? it might help you figure out where to go with the end.

>>8633233
>The conspiracy is made up on the spot but it's so good that the government actually enacts it

>>8629250
>>upon his deathbed, realizes that it would have been better to have lived and died with his faith regardless of ultimate truth. Realizes that we are the purveyors of our own meaning too late.
Nigga, I figured this out in my early 20's. How slow must you be to spend an entire life to realize this?

>>8631526
At the end it turns out the tutor is actually just a slug like one of us, trying to make his way home.

>>8636223
he started with greeks, read plato's "symposium" and such trifles as gender don't matter for him any more

>>8631526
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0420223/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_54

It reminded me of this. One ending could be that he was a character all along who was a writing assignment by the teacher, everyone had to write different parts of him. Through collecting each of their 'writing' he gains true form, and GIVES THEM THE D I C K

>>8637095
Well a lot of stuff happens in between. The story is mainly about what living lie in a spiritually dead state does to a person. I want to ha e everything that happens to him degrade him further until his death.

>>8637244
I hate your idea because it just makes it sound like him coming up with the answer is more of a reward for having been shat on for years. I've seen it so many time where a character gets told by reality and they just adjust instead of trying to grasp some greater spiritual truth.
I like that better, it's not about the meaning you derive from the pattern it's about how you learn to stop falling into the fucking Sarlac pit.

That would fuck your hopelessness thing so whatever, you're welcome to your misery fantasy.

>>8635266

I like how the middle of the outline is just "weird shit happens".

Ah hell, I've give my crappy idea:

>different people in same town find items that give them each a power

>items slowly corrupt their minds, accentuating their worst flaws

>they have to interact with others in town, trying not to go insane

It'll be a series of short stories, each focusing on one character. Whether or not I'll have the people facing a villain remains to be seen. This whole idea is in the very beginning phases, though I plan to write it for NaNoWriMo.

>>8637091
kek.

>>8629012
4
2
1
3
saved

>following a catastrophic, unpopular war, a once-bountiful empire is in its death-throes
>widespread depression, cultural malaise, revolts in the outer provinces
>veteran returns from the war to discover his family home was destroyed by an aerial bombardment
>refuses to accept they're dead, goes searching for them
>meanwhile a group of generals plot to depose the constitutional monarchy and impose a military junta
>daughter of the emperor stumbles upon this plot
>generals flip their shit, frame her for the murder of her mother to shut her up
>she flees the massive manhunt, bumps into the veteran
>drags him into trying to stop the plot
>they wander around the country looking for a way in -- privileged aristocrat girl gets a first-hand look at the shitty situation
>he infiltrates it through an acquaintance in the brass
>spends a while wondering if the generals don't have a point (shit's fucked under the emperor/parliament)
>lets them assassinate the emperor, organizes the princess' older brother's assassination as well
>princess' name is cleared, she takes the throne without wanting it, hates his guts
>end on a pretentious moral about how people who want to govern shouldn't be allowed to

>>8637887
It inspired me to make a story, thanks.
I hadn't thought about that 'people who govern shouldn't be allowed to' thought in quite awhile.

>>8629339
...That's the Plot of Tommy Boy

>Mankind begins colonizing new worlds, via newly discovered wormhole technology
>Protagonist still lives on polluted Earth, has a daughter who lives with ex wife
>ex wife finds a new lover, lover convinces ex wife to move to new beautiful,exotic planet with him.
>Protagonist discovers 6 months later the planet is home of slavers and pirates.
>all travel to planet banned
> Protagonist begins quest to get to planet and save his daughter

That's all I got so far.

>>8638008
Seems interesting. Might be more interesting if ex-wife ends up being a pirate.

>man works a dead end job at the supermarket
>due to the void in his life he slowly gets into cp
>completely slides into degeneracy
>his only friend is a homeless man he has dinner with every night
>one night it's revealed that one of the reasons why the homeless man can't keep a job or a house is because of his trauma of being molested as a boy
>feeling partially responsible and wishing to end his own life, the protagonist goes to some shitty third world country
>he loads up on weapons, with the intent to find and kill a child pimp, and to continue doing so until he dies
>he ventures out into the blackmarket and finds a prostitute who arranges for him to meet one under the pretense of business
>he goes out to the meeting loaded with guns, with the intent to kill them and 'liberate' the girls
>however in an ironic twist it turns out that the corrupt cops had decided to get their act together, and it was actually a sting
>the protagonist rolls in and shoots up the cop who he thinks is a pimp
>then five cops roll out the back and the story ends with the protagonist getting jailed for intent to sexually abuse a minor and murder