/lit/ - Literature

>>8520623
The fact that so many books still name the Beatles "the greatest or most significant or most influential" rock band ever only tells you how far rock music still is from becoming a serious art. Jazz critics have long recognized that the greatest jazz musicians of all times are Duke Ellington and John Coltrane, who were not the most famous or richest or best sellers of their times, let alone of all times. Classical critics rank the highly controversial Beethoven over classical musicians who were highly popular in courts around Europe. Rock critics are still blinded by commercial success: the Beatles sold more than anyone else (not true, by the way), therefore they must have been the greatest. Jazz critics grow up listening to a lot of jazz music of the past, classical critics grow up listening to a lot of classical music of the past. Rock critics are often totally ignorant of the rock music of the past, they barely know the best sellers. No wonder they will think that the Beatles did anything worth of being saved.

>>8520628
sounds like something patrick bateman would say after his murder antics

>>8520631
Sounds like envious prick Keith Richards to me

Only one enemy remained; two if you counted God.

holy...i want more

the

>>8520623

It was the best of times, it was the burst of times.

-Itty bitty baby, Itty bitty boat.
-I don't believe it!
-HABEEB IT!
Then he socked him right in the jaw.
-Twinkiehouse! Pwned! Twinkiehouse FTW! Why should I habeeb it?
-It was just an itty bitty baby. In an itty bitty boat. no need to get violent fag.

I'm Ishmael.

>>8520640
>>8520646
These still make me chuckle. anyone have the rest?

The deadliest force known to man is love, for it spares no one and drives even the most rational of men to madness and despair. Love's mighty grip is impersonal and ubiquitous: hearts are broken in slums and palaces alike. And what is the cause of these broken hearts? In every case, love.

>>8520668
Here's the archived thread.

>>/lit/thread/S8470021

>>8520674
thanks famalam

>>8520623
"How come muffins dont just come in bigger sizes?" Said my soon to be ex wife, like she needed any muffin of any size anyway. The stupid bitch bounced the seat when she fell forward into it, and It reminded me of the painful vision of her bouncing on Tim's dick last month. I told her i was fine with it, but I really wasn't. I'm just afraid that if I divorce her, the stupid cunt judge will side with her and she'll get everything. The cocksucker might even demand that I cut my own dick off and hand it to her. She turns on the radio and listens to that Selena Gomez trash. I smile inside, remembering that earlier that day I had masturbated to one of her music videos. With the pleasant thought of barely legal pop music whores in my head, I drive down the street to my daughter's community college. My daughter, as opposed to Selena Gomez, is only a regular whore. She thinks I don't know, because she thinks like her fucking mother, whore number 1. Sometimes at night, I reach for my pistol, beneath the bed, and I imagine squeezing the trigger. For now I go to my daughter's community college and I ask about her day, I ask what she's studying even though I know its freshman cock. Stupid slut. I can't wait to leave her dorm, and with the fucking cow in tow I rush out of there, and drive home quick enough to relax a little before work. When work rolls around the pig bitch is asleep, in a food coma, and I'm putting on my Gorilla costume. Im the mascot for the Phoenix Suns, on home game days, on other days I'm just a costume for hire. If another spic or nigger kid comes and fucks with my zipper I will go bananas on them. I try to beat the traffic.

>>8520623
Crash

>>8520640
Every fucking time

>>8520640
Why is God the enemy?

>>8520713
We adopted a golden retriever!

The End.

>>8520623
Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was a moocow coming down along the road and this moocow that was coming down along the road met a nicens little boy named baby tuckoo.

In the shot of sun through the sliver of blindslats I woke from my slumber. It was hot in my room. I sat up and layer right back down. I was working witha halfchub. I slung my shit over my waistband and beat it like it owed me money. I was rock hard. What is pleasure but the rim of ecstasy? I worked on the head.

I turned to my palm.

I spat.

I worked the head.

I came.

It spat.

oh hehe i see you like sonic unleashed.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

>>8520623
>it was the beginning of the end

>>8520666
and this is jackass!

Her eyes, deep with amber expectation, soft light dancing around her skin. Love is a sunset, it's bright then... fades. I don't experience pain, only severance. I want to die in her arms. She has a bigger dick. I'm in heaven.

One mean honkey-devised celly app led me to her pussy.

>>8520628
>>8520631
>>8520636
nice

>>8520863
I might be an idiot, but that actually rocks

>>8520691
i would read this book.

This is the most awful opening to a book you can think of.

>>8520623
It was a bright and clear day. Just an ordinary day for me, Rodrigo (my prisoner name is Jonathan- damn parental units!) in my typical suburban all american neighborhood. Now I guess it's best for me to tell you what I look like. I'm pretty tall for my twelve years of age (Five foot one thank you very much), have 75 pounds of pure muscle, and a full head of dirty blonde hair. I go full native style, buzzed short in the summer, long in the winter. Right now it's spring, so I look like the long lost Icelandic Beetle. By the way, Jeff was here. We were playing spies in my backyard. Jeff is a bit shorter than me, and a lot more....big boned. He's got messy brown hair and grandma glasses. So what do Jeff and Rodrigo like to do? Any zany thing I come up with! You'll see just how much of an absolute madman I can be. Just wait.

>>8520623
The common man is like a sheep.

I looked up smilingly from the book, my mouth curled at both corners like a bliss banana. The laughter swirled in my stomach before rolling into and out of my mouth, over my protruding bottom lip, and falling squelching into my gay lap, like a frickin' banana.

>>8520885
It's impossible to keep up that style of writing. You run out of steam quickly.

You could say I was different. Sure, I was a wampyre, but so was everyone at my school. No, I mean I wasn't really a wampyre; not fully anyway. I was a half-wampyre, wampyre hunter, and that spells BLOOD!

My nerves tumbled around inside my guts like a flippin' washing machine o' budderflies. It was my first day of wampyre school and that spells BLOOD.

Call me Muhammed. Muhammed679332, to be precise.

>>8520640
I tried googling this what is it from?

>>8520640
it's a meme you dip

at the end of world war 2 the world was split into two

The young spine snaped over his knee like a fresh milano, the girl's stomach soft and round shone in the moonlit yard. He started sweating and breathing hard. Preemptively, he took out his inhaler and shook it, scaring some critters in the bushes. Jeremy closed his eyes and thought he was one step closer to the final sacrifice. The body was still warm. He breathed in deep the spray in the tiny device.

>>8521000
Nah, you're a fucking hack. You should really never run out of association

>>8520672
While reading this post I was driven to the brink of suicide three times

Love. Love never changes.

Looking at the opening image, Patrick said, "That African American looks very wealthy!"

>>8521054
EAST

AND

W E S T

>>8520628
scuruffi?

>>8521186
East and yeast. These are the words I began to associate with downtown.

He took a long drag from his pall mall orange, "so, tell me about your family".

>>8520623

>>8520628

>>8521042
A Reddit thread where Redditors posted the first lines of the novels they're writing. They're all hilariously bad.

>>8520691
this is very amusing. Name of the book?

>>8520628
such a weak, backwards logic argument surely would rustle many jimmies. Even made me a bit sore at first but based on the OP I can say you did a great job.

I just pray people don't reply to this post with agreement of the obvious fallacies and contradictions that make it bad.

>>8520672
this is actually not bad, and can be related to many people. Why do you think this is bad writing? Have you ever loved someone who was wrong for you, or loved at all for that matter?

>>8521485
I guess he thought it sounded cliche'd. It does, but that doesn't mean it isn't true, and it also doesn't mean the author couldn't have worded it better.

>>8521438
I wrote this based off the gorilla in the picture and just random rantings.

>>8521500

I think you have a talent. You should write more.

>>8521515
Thanks. I write everyday and never seem to finish anything. It leads to most of the sadness in my life. Any ideas on how to get out of that mess?

>>8521025
Is Gass really that bad?

>>8521519
Structure story moments and then write between those points.

>>8520801
Hang yourself

>>8520927
Holy shit I hate this. But it's also realistic somehow.
Good job my man

>>8520691
would read

>>8521551
Thanks, I'll keep that advice in mind.

It was a dark, rainy night on the night I was born.

>>8521325
"this party isn't fast and bulbous"
this is creepily real, anon.

>>8520628
>the fact that
isn't this a shitty phrase to use?

>>8520623
The Argentinians had just invaded the Falklands. But I didn't care. I was waiting for my HIV-test result.

>>8520652
underrated

who's there? am i?

>>8521325

Wow I never knew how pleb I was until I discovered that even my taste in Korn albums was bad.

I always thought scaruffi was a /mu/ tripfag not an actual Italian person. But why does he hate the Beatles so much? Aren't the Beatles a pretty good band?

>>8520691
You're pretty talented this was hilarious

>>8520691
Holy....I want more....

>>8521696
>I always thought scaruffi was a /mu/ tripfag not an actual Italian person.
lol

>>8521483
2/10

Waking up to a loud crash rarely means something good is happening. It's never "CRASH! mom made pancakes!" or "CRASH! We decided to adopt a Golden Retriever!"

>>8521656
So...PM me if you get published. I like your style. I want to read more.

>>8521969
10/10

>>8521696

Because The Beatles are so unbelievably overrated.

>>8521969
Holy.....I want more.....

9 months later, he got the depressing answer.

>>8521696
Scaruffi's take on The Beatles is memed into oblivion but it has some merit honestly, read the entire thing

>>8521325
>>8520628
holy fuck scaruffi is a memester

Skip, slap, slide, stop, sink: the sojourn of a lowly stone across a sparkling Summer pond. My next throw, shaky in spirit, sows unto the water a final slinking pebble. I hope that centuries ahead, when the sun shifts ever closer to the Earth, sizzling its streams and pools, these rocks stand guard against the steam and vapours of the dying landscape—one last monument to the
unassailable soul of my people. My arms shake ever violently as soldiers scale the hill. They draw their rifles. So long.

>>8520801
fuck you that one is great

Barbra, put that stick down!!

>>8522301
fuck off dude

This is an story about class struggle and hip-hop.

>>8522301
Holy.....I want more.....

>>8520623

The song played loudly on the jukebox which shouldn't have been there because the world had ended. Dragons. I personally believe that the teachings of Jesus Christ are more important than the fact of his death, and that he represents a higher principle which anyone could attain (in principle (but that's not to say in practice (basically, there are real world constraints that have to be accounted for))). When I was very young I had a dream once where I was going to a school, it was a new school and very shiny and the principal and my mom guided me there, and the principal had crutches for some reason, and then when I was there I met this boy who was playing with me, but then a giant fissure opened up in the middle of the school and started to expand, and the other boy hid in a stairwell, which was of course safe according to a duck and cover style film we'd watched sooner, but he was across the fissure and it was expanding, so I got a running start and made the jump, but I was moving so fast I hit the staircase and bounced off of it, even though I tried to roll, so I fell into the fissure, into the lava in the fissure, and burned alive, and for some reason the principal didn't need crutches anymore and was skipping happily. I remember that dream, and I think now of the dragons, who are not real dragons, but robot ghost dragons from the space between spaces. At least, that is what the government tells us.

>>8520623
Call me Harambe. Dicks out please.

The email said, in sad, bold letters:
You, the half-brother of the deceased, have been invited to the funeral of Morris Zeems :(

>>8520652
kids here probably weren't even born yet when this meme came out.

>>8522373
Holy..... I want more

>>8520623
And so, he really was, the Catcher in the Rye.

>>8522423
god you're embarrassing

>>8521500
Those dubs say you should at least make a short story out of that.

They say you should write what you know: so I tell you, this will be a tale of vigorous masturbation. Of long and short strokes, of mournful howls, alone in the night. It is a monument to the iniquity of man, and at its climax we shall find naught but disappointment.

>>8522518
This isn't even bad. I hate that you got me to say it, but, really, fuck off.

>>8521485
Because it's clichéd, edgy, and trying too hard. The fact that you're calling deliberately poor and melodramatic writing good is an indicator that you're fourteen or have no taste, on top of being mentally defunct.

Renowned curator Jacques Saunière staggered through the vaulted archway of the museum's Grand Gallery.

I woke up. I could feel something was wrong, but what? "What's wrong here" I whispered to my reflection in the mirror.

>>8521485
it's goofy, cliche and melodramatic

Most really pretty girls have pretty ugly feet, and so does Mindy Metalman, Lenore notices, all of a sudden.

>>8522534
It's certainly garbage, but it's not edgy.

>>8520691
>I ask what she's studying even though I know its freshman cock

My fucking sides

>>8521551
This. Try to fit in as much as fucking possible between the story points - and then write, just write - don't use too much time correcting what you've written, you can do that later and it will halter your process.
Go for it, you can do it.

>>8522530
The first line's good, but stupid, and the rest is overwrought. At least that's what I thought when writing it. Why would you think this was good?

>>8522553
"Love is the greatest evil and misfortune" isn't edgy? Even if it's worded a little better it's something counterculture teenagers sound like they'd peddle to each other.

>>8522591
I didn't say it was good. I also don't think it's necessarily overwrought, but, you do seem like a stupid little fucker, and that's mostly what I was commenting on. It's not bad enough to be in this thread. Really hate that you got me to compliment you twice.

>>8522595
>"Love is the greatest evil and misfortune" isn't edgy?
If you had been alive for longer than an hour you'd know that this is a fairly common sentiment.
I see nothing edgy about it. Go back to your knitting.

>>8520691
>I'm the mascot for the Phoenix Suns
Fucking lost it

Reader! Turn back now!

>>8521696
The Beatles are great scaruffi is just a contrarian

>>8522324
im sorry that my post offended you. :( is there anything i can do to make up for it?

'Arms I sing and the man...'

I mean this dumb fuck can't even order the words correctly.

>>8520640
He had only one enemy. 10,001 if you counted Hindu gods.

>>8520691
haha if this is original, well fucking done

"I am seated in an office, surrounded by heads and bodies."

Can you discern any talent? Because I cannot. There is no discernible talent.

>>8520691
This was genuinely really good. Not exactly literary, but it was fucking hilarious. You have talent.

>>8521339
Link?

The madness of an autumn prairie cold front coming through. You could feel it; something terrible was going to happen. The sun low in the sky, a minor light, a cooling star. Gust after gust of disorder. Trees restless, temperatures falling, the whole northern religion of things coming to an end. No children in the yards here. Shadows lengthened on a yellowing zoysia. Red oaks and pin oaks and swamp white oaks rained acorns on houses with no mortgage. Storm windows shuddered in the empty bedrooms. And the drone and hiccup of a clothes dryer, the nasal contention of a leaf blower, the ripening of local apples in a paper bag, the smell of gasoline with which Alfred Lambert had cleaned the paintbrush from his morning painting of the wicker love seat.*

>*see also: Eggers, Dave; anything written by

It's not the exact opening but this early section of Ready Player One made me want to kill myself.

and then he took a big shit splSHHHHHHHHHHH IT CAME Out of his butt like a big geyser and it smelled ratchet BLUBLUBLUBLUH

>>8523324
nigga that's pretty decent desu
>>8522544
'renowned' is triggering but come on, Brown is a known one hit hack
>>8522473
;)
>>8522397
this is actually from my not yet published novel, pls dont steal

Dr. Pavell. I'm CIA.

>>8523353
Ah man, that book is such trash. I read it on an international flight, wouldn't have made it through if it weren't for the free champagne. Sad too, it's a really entertaining idea.

Just glad Spielberg said they're more or less throwing the book out for the movie and just using the idea.

>>8523424

>Sad too, it's a really entertaining idea.

How do you figure? I haven't read it, but to me, it seems just like Family Guy. That is, created from the viewpoint that the greater the amount of forced references, the greater the quality.

>>8523424
It's really telling that most of these references are largely from the 1970s-early 1980s; the anime section that listed movies and shows from like fifty years ago was the giveaway. This would be acceptable if the book was set in the past, but it fucking isn't. He mentions the Star Wars prequels which means the book is actually set in the 00s. Here's my little psychoanalysis on Ernest Cline: he grew up in the 1970s or 1980s liking all this terrible nerd shit and got picked on because he was a weirdo, so now he's created a "cool" protagonist who kicks ass at nerd shit and happens to like everything Cline does, with just a couple of updates here and there to attempt to (and fail miserably at) simulate what nerds in the 2000s actually liked, with the results being mostly antiquated at this point, making Cline rightfully look woefully out of touch. So in short, our hero is just a "badass" younger version of Cline and it's the world's most irritating pop culture homage.

I will give credit where it's due and say the resemblance in personality (not necessarily taste) between the protagonist and self-identified narcissistic geeks of today is fucking uncanny.

>>8523387
>Not Pavel hakase, CIA desu.

There's an irrevocable annoyance to the perpetual state of existence.

riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs.

this is OBJECTIVELY the correct answer

the story i write starts and a character awakens. he, like myself, needs a dream. everyone needs a dream to hold onto. this is mine

"Shit," he says, "we god a live one." I'm not sure what Ron means. We're playing chess.

>>8524232

leld

>>8521339
>A Reddit thread

Every.Single.Time.

>>8520628
http://youtu.be/7kWdpEnJfxI

>>8522415
>said, in sad, bold letters:

>>8524320
http://shamelessmag.tumblr.com/post/109698571125/bmatf-mc-ride-stefan-burnett-talking-about-the
30,000 notes

'Everything will be okay in the end'. That's what they say. But this isn't the end. It's just the beginning.

>>8521071
wat

>>8521696
>I always thought scaruffi was a /mu/ tripfag not an actual Italian person.

my favourite part of this line is that it implies there can't be actual Italians on /mu/

>>8523353
>mastered Akalabeth

>>8524547
I like how Cline imagines a teenager in the 21st century would own an Apple II, let alone play some shitty Ultima prototype from 1979 on it for any period of time, especially given that video games in the future are incredibly immersive VR according to Cline.

>once upon a time there was this guy who was walking down the street with his cock in his hand

>>8520628
is this you?

>>8520623
The jeep roared across the dying plain recklessly bouncing the inhabitants in the back, their vision obscured by dark hoods. The driver disregards his cargo's discomfort as he only seeks to get to his destination. Arriving at the airfield they are greeted by a Central Intelligence agent. Both he and his aircraft are surrounded my his men, he stands, wide stanced, with his hand hooked on his belt loops making his finger look like spider legs. He emanates dominance and power as he speaks
"Dr. Pavel, I'm CIA"

>>8520623
>We're just hanging around. Burnin' it down. Sippin' on some cold Jack Daniel's

>>8521485
>this is actually not bad

ANON NO!!

STATELY, PLUMP BUCK MULLIGAN CAME FROM THE STAIRHEAD, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed. A yellow dressing gown, ungirdled, was sustained gently-behind him by the mild morning air. He held the bowl aloft and intoned:

>>8520628
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7PzbJk7kBY

>>8524957
he's not that "anon"-ymous desu if by his writing style it's easily deducible that he arrives from /r/eddit

>>8520623
HARAMBE IS IN HEAVEN NOW

>>8524964
DELET THIS

You may have thought that capitalism would end from natural disaster. It actually ended because of a boy and his dog.

>>8524506
kek I actually am one, but anytime I write that on /mu/ everyone replies with scaruffi memes

Once upon a time

>>8525248
there was a boy who died

>>8520640
Oof, that's a good one!

>>8525250
he was just your average, everyday kid when one day

>>8520691
sam hyde, gtfo. go make more episodes

I smiled at him, and he smiled back with his eyes; Most people smiled with sterile politeness, but his eyes lit up like embers although his mouth hardly moved.

>>8520623
Call me Ishmael

>>8520691
>he stupid bitch bounced the seat when she fell forward into it, and It reminded me of the painful vision of her bouncing on Tim's dick last month. I told her i was fine with it, but I really wasn't. I'm just afraid that if I divorce her, the stupid cunt judge will side with her and she'll get everything. The cocksucker might even demand that I cut my own dick off and hand it to her. She turns on the radio and listens to that Selena Gomez trash. I smile inside, remembering that earlier that day I had masturbated to one of her music videos. With the pleasant thought of barely legal pop music whores in my head, I drive down the street to my daughter's community college. My daughter, as opposed to Selena Gomez, is only a regular whore. She thinks I don't know, because she thinks like her fucking mother, whore number 1. Sometimes at night, I reach for my pistol, beneath the bed, and I imagine squeezing the trigger. For now I go to my daughter's community college and I ask about her day, I ask what she's studying even though I know its freshman cock. Stupid slut. I can't wait to leave her dorm, and with the fucking cow in tow I rush out of there, and drive home quick enough to relax a little before work. When work rolls around the pig bitch is asleep, in a food coma, and I'm putting on my Gorilla costume. Im the mascot for the Phoenix Suns, on home game days, on other days I'm just a costume for hire. If another spic or nigger kid comes and fucks with my zipper I will go bananas on them. I try to beat the traffic.
Is his fucking Wilt by Tom Sharpe?

>>8520691
>...putting on my Gorilla costume...
>...I will go bananas on them.

Poetry. I want more.

>>8522620

Lmao

It was a bloody fart, a grand fart, the kinda fart that clears rooms and leaves people thinking. Who coulda done that fart. It was me, it was mine, I was the fartist.

"Wow. Just Wow. Simply Wow. Unbelievable, Incredible, fucking AMAZING. Those were his last words before he pulled the trigger and ended his pathetic life."

>>8520623
Infinity “Finn” Blackstone is the seventeen-year-old daughter of Blackstone’s reclusive CEO—but she’s never even met him. When disturbing dreams about a past she doesn’t remember begin to torment her, Finn knows there’s only one person who can provide answers: her father.

After Finn and an elite group of peers are invited to Blackstone’s top-secret HQ, Finn realizes she may have a chance to confront her father. But when a highly sophisticated company AI morphs into a killing machine, the trip descends into chaos. Trapped inside shape-shifting walls, Finn and her friends are at the mercy of an all-seeing intelligence that will destroy everything to get to her.

With no hope of help, Finn’s dream-memories may be the only chance of survival. But will she remember in time to save her own life and the lives of those around her?

>I had to come to my only friend's bautism... he's now going to be called "The End"

>>8520628
>John Coltrane
>beethoven
>obscure
"no"

And you could easilly say the beatles were the most influental. Greatest of course not.

I was walking in the gang streets, lookin up and down the bozos and hoes that ganged along the street corner. I knew this city like the back of my palm, and no Johnny Badapple was about to ruin my night. You see, I got this bad bitch, on 43rd, and we've a special 'appointment' today. No doubt what that entails.

>>8526343
That's a synopsis, not an opening

>>8520623

The mirror was somewhat tall and about as broad as a door. It was framed by what looked to be the frame of a mirror. Said likely mirror frame looked like it was made of gold, but it was actually only painted in a color that looked kind of like gold. Behind the thin coat of paint was the color of the material in which it was made of. The material was probably some kind of grey metal. This mirror stood in a room which was a bedroom. The architect who had once drawn the house had intended the room in which the mirror stood to be someone's bedroom so it wasn't like someone had tried to make a room into something it wasn't: It was a big bedroom mirror in a solid bedroom. Florence stood in front of this mirror (this story will be about her). Florence had long, blonde hair and a small nose. She smiled at the mirror and then went outside wearing her backpack. This was it. She was running away.

>>8526438
How new are you?

>>8520623
"Some people say - "Evil bad" But I say - "Evil good" "

>>8520623
Where were u when jon lenin dies
I was sat home drinking brain fluid
when pyotr ring
"Lenin is kill"
"no"
"yes"

and uuuuu??????

>>8526112
fuck, this one is amazing

>>8520623
Early hours, open road, family of five on their way home.
Having enjoyed a day in the sun, their encounter with gore has just begun.
A homicidal fool not knowing left from right, now has the family in his sight.
Trying to perceive if he's blind or insane, he steers his car into the other lane.

Both of them collide, expressions horrified.
Head on at full speed, the vultures will soon feed.

The father of three was impaled on the wheel, as his skull became a part of the dash.
His eyeballs ejected his sight uneffected, he saw his own organs collapse.

His seatbelt was useless for holding him back, it simply cut him in two.
Legs were crushed, out leaked pus as his spinal cord took off and flew.

The mother took flight through the glass and ended up impaled on a sign.
Her intestines stretched from the car down the road for a quarter of a mile.

Fourth child on the way, won't live another day.
Fetus on the road with mangled little bones.
Little children fly, not a chance to wonder why.
Smashed against the ceiling, all their skin burning and peeling.

Shards of glass explode, chest and skull now implode.
Corpses they've become and graves will have to be dug.

Underneath the wheels, burning rubber on your face.
Bleeding from your eyes, the slaughtered victims lies.
Knowing what he's done, he just backs up one more time.
Laughing at the mess, a pile of meat on the street.

One child left slowly dying now, arteries gushing blood.
Now it's time to feed on flesh, the gore has just begun.

>>8520623
Splaying inside the womb
Red and wet I tear chunks from the pussy Red and wet mangled unborn baby
Eat the meat dripping from filthy...
Cumstained, blood-soaked, rotten cunt Infant skull exploding in my mouth
Its brain on the floor
I grab its tongue and tear it out
Dead meat for me. I can't believe
How much this baby is bleeding
Its tiny stumps pours out more
Then its dead mothers open sores
Its guts paint the floor
Its flesh I shall gorge.
It seems feasting on young infant flesh has made my semen leak.
I am aroused. Fuck I'm crazy
I fuck the blood. I need meat on my cock.
No meat can satisfy me. I must spew my seed
Spunk flows throughout the mangled infant. now I'll chop it up
Chunks of guts fly as I stand with baby skin all over me
Forcing the blood-soaked gore unmercifully down my throat
Pieces of baby are lodged inside of me
Over and over I feast on it's death
It's all gone. I want some more
I turn to it's mother
Blood is still flowing strongly from her butchered pussy
I drink from her fountain, stench of menstrual gore
Gagging on chunks of sliced up pussy
I feel pressure....
Pushing in my brain
The force caves in my head
My eyes eject slowly
Where's my knife?
I plunge my knife in
Inside my head
My veins are seeping
Warm streams of red
My tongue tastes so horrid
I must swallow it
Gore taste so scrumptious
Enough to wash it down with piss.

>>8527007
Fuck this one got me good

Douglas had to poop, his butt was all stinky because he had to poop so badly. There was a gross woman named Rebecca who was sunbathing all naked and she was fat. Douglas walked up to her and said, "I need to poop". "Okay, Rebecca replied, "I like poop". Douglas squatted down over the fat sunbathing lady and went poop. The poop sat there on Rebecca's boobs, looking like a weiner.

>>8520691
hehe it's good because he said nigger and called women whores

>>8520623
I once understood a woman.

>>8520623
Though I never had an explicit appreciation for violence, I have always been driven in favor of men who employ such methods of efficiency to gain proficient desires. Desire that renders progression. Acts of ruthlessness and the disregard for the lesser of people – solely utilized with the intent of achievement – enthrall my motivation for the achievement of my own desires; moreover, enhances the development of motivation. I realize such a disposition is antithetical to the creation and preservation of a placid society. I correlate placidity among boring virtues (although, yes, creation – of wealth, of intellect – can come from the bowels of ennui) and as such, I have disparagement for it purely predicated upon the lack of entertainment it provides me. That is why – when left to my own devices, unguided by the steel rails of agenda – I attempt calculated ‘degeneracy’ for its own sake; normally at the expenditure of others. I blame them for investing too much into me.
If ethicality is, indeed, subjective, then why is it considered of prodigious evil to impose my morality upon another; especially if my morality proves more proficient? Because something that insinuates superiority must be, at the least, obliquely bigoted. The amount of absence of acceptance of all fellow humans’ individual idiosyncrasies – especially those defined as minority – is somehow a metric of what makes an evil man. I am therefore considered a grand producer of evil by this society; of course, not publicly recognizable, for what calculated man who recognizes this societal normative does not thereupon hide his true propensities?

>>8521969
where is this from?

>>8520623
The Feminists are right.

This is the last time I accept a job that sounds too easy.

>>8523256
https://www.reddit.com/r/writing/comments/50zgb0/post_your_opening_sentence/

Think this is it

>>8520691
AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA

>>8527855
>Waking up to a loud crash rarely means something good is happening. It’s never “CRASH! Mom made pancakes!” or “CRASH! We decided to adopt a Golden Retriever!”
Every time

>>8527119
hehe everyone is stupid and i'm really mature!!!!

grow up :^)

>>8521696
The beatles haven't put out a single decent album. They're only good at making pop songs, which isn't very much of an achievement. Also pretty much all british rock in the 60s was an imitation of black american blues and rock

>>8528040
a black american blues is an imitation of irish folk music, your point?

How come when people intentionally try to write something horrible, it often is more readable and interesting than when they try to write well?

Maybe it's just me...but "bad" writing seems to connect with me on a base level.

>>8523250
implying people here have actually read it

>>8528054
What? Blues is an extension of gospel and work songs, which came from the church

>>8528124
nope

>>8520623
Mein Kampf
Some of the principles were interesting, but the was shit-tier

"Shitdick. Oh, Shitdick. Put that shitty dick of yours right the fuck in me, Shitdick."

>>8525227
Love it.

Take a deep breath, and sit down.
That's right, sit down. What, you didn't think I was talking to you, the reader? Your legs are going to go weak in a minute, so I'm trying to do you a favor.
You see, this book... isn't like most books. For one, breaking the fourth wall is only the start for me. I'm going to be here to guide you through this crazy freaking drug trip of a story, so you better get used to me.
For two, this story... doesn't have a good guy. No heroes, damsels in distress (heh, well there are a couple of damsels, anyway), and no sidekicks. There's no moral and no happy ending, so if that's what you're looking for, then you can f**k right off

...

Still here? I told you you should sit down for this one. Now those who are left are all comfortable, lets begin our tale at the very beginning.

>>8522373
what the fuck

It was the best of times...
It was the worst of times...
I stood in the middle of Times Square just passing TIME. TIME waits for no man, however, man spends his TIME waiting. The man that I hoped would pass by today didn't come, and I guess you could say that this was a huge waste of TIME. You see, I wanted to steal the TIME from this man. Since you may not understand what I mean, I guess it's TIME to explain. You see, each of us has a number over our heads, and it's there all the TIME. From the TIME I was born I could see them. The thing is, no matter how much TIME I steal, I can never stop. You see... I don't know how much TIME I have left. The one number I can never know until my TIME'S up, is my own.I decided that I would live on borrowed TIME a long TIME ago, to alleviate my fear of death. Sometimes I take half a life. Sometimes I take the whole thing. But every TIME I do my life grows longer. There's nothing else I'd rather spend my TIME doing.

>>8529567
>nothing about reading TIME magazine in Times Square

missed opportunity desu

e.g.:

It was the best of times...
It was the worst of times...
I stood in the middle of Times Square reading TIME magazine.

>>8520623
>Write the most awful opening to a book you can think of.

>>8529577
checked

and correct

Pretty mad I didn't add that right now

>>8523237
Underrated post

>>8527855
>memers spouting our shit memes on Reddit
Who would have guessed.

And they're getting fucking upvoted, too.

>>8520623
Whatever that first line is in "american gods" that someone comes and starts a thread here with once a month. something about "So-and-so was big enough and looked don't-fuck-with-me enough that something or other."

>>8520990
underrated bannana banter in this post

Well Mrs. Cleveland, I hope you’re happy. I hope you’re happy with yourself; what you’ve done. I hope it was worth it. I’ve got to say though, what you did took a serious lack of empathy. Let me tell you, you are ruthless, Margret. I wonder, now that Jared is out of the picture, who will be there to fund operation: Juliet 5?
Because I know, and I know that you know that I know that none of this will just blow over as easily as you had anticipated. But you know what? I find that moving past this will make me a better man. A better husband and a better scientist than you could ever hope to be. Let me just ask you something though, Janine: Why me? Why, of all of the poor, miserable people in this godforsaken city did I have to be your target of choice? The sad soul who you had to drag into your own filthy affairs? Is it because you hate me and always have? Is it because I stole your mailbox last summer? Is that why you unleashed your fiery wrath upon me; an uncontrollable rage and contrived plot to force me into a deep pit of self-loathing and lone nights spent sitting in my worn down apartment that your mother bought for me? I would think so. Well let me tell you something, Mrs. Jackson, I still have your mailbox and if you ever want to see it again you’d better think twice about giving my collection to your greedy son-in-law. He’s a grown man, Norma. He doesn’t need your charity. And it certainly won’t motivate him to forget about Maureen if that’s what you were counting on. No, Dianne, he’ll always blame you for that. And while he’s lying awake at night thinking about your “generous” donation and wondering why he’s never met his real father, he’ll realize something. He’ll come to his senses and the revelation will dawn upon him that “Stacy” the angry old lady who he’s come to know as one of his most trusted allies and closest companions never saw him as the same man he saw when he stared into the mirror on his bathroom wall each and every day and night. No, she didn’t see him as a successful thirty two year old stand-up comedian in his prime; she only sees what he could have been: A sad, lonely, autistic business major who lives in a condo which he can’t afford with his pet gecko, Ralphie. He’ll never be that man, Patricia, neither will I and neither will you. All you’ll ever be is the same self-centered, vengeful, silk-wearing hypocrite that you always will be. That’s right, Gabriella, you’re angry at me for stealing? Do you think I don’t know that you’ve been stealing my Wi-Fi for the past seven months?
(1/2)

>>8530790
Anyways, I know that this letter is a waste of my time, a tedious, frustrating, draining task that will bear no fruit of any kind. Certainly not lemons but you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you? In the end, it all comes down to two simple questions: What color is the sun? And where does it go at night? Because once you have a sound understanding on reality, a firm grasp on the manner of which all life slowly evolves into colossal, monstrous, feeling, living, breathing mess of vitriol and black pepper, you can never let go. Should your mind fade and your consciousness slip away from the captivity of your own perception of the world, no longer can you carelessly close your eyes at night lest you be haunted by the image of all those you have harmed. I’m providing you with this piece of advice, Anita, not because I like you, not even because it could ever affect me, but because this word of apprehension, this essential proverb which I have just bestowed upon you is not news to anyone. In fact, every man, woman, and child, learns this one way or another either through trial and error or from the unforgettable pain of disappointment, eating away at one’s spirit like a rabid hunger that cannot be quelled. However, you’ve never seemed to have experienced such pain. It’s a dark world, Vanessa. You must remember that when you’re freezing, the enlightened are on fire. It’s the important questions that dictate the outcome of a human being’s life. You’d better begin asking yourself those questions, Joyce. I know I’ll be.
(2/2)

>"The bread is just a little more moldy today than it was yesterday. We have no idea why."

>>8520623
It was the best of times

It was the worst of times

>>8528100
Humor is better than embarrassment

>>8520628
nice one mate, savage true

The mongrel cat came home, holding half a head. He proceeded to show it off to all his newfound friends.
He said "I've been where I liked, I slept with who I liked. She at me up for breakfast, she screwed me in a vice."

That there, that's not me. I walk through walls, I float down the Liffey. I'm not here, this isn't happening. I'm not here. I'm not here.

Why would a ghost need a watch?
He asked himself and from that point, he din't know. For some time, every time he met someone that he liked; a human, that he liked. He'd ask them Why would a ghost need a watch? Some people would respond "What? What a weird question that is. I don't know" Others would just get confused and laugh "Hahaha!" I don't understand. I don't know" Others, just a few, a handful, would stop and say "Interesting question... Why would a ghost need a watch? I don't know" So on and so on, He kept questioning, repeating and repeating. "Why would a ghost need a watch?" "Why would a ghost... need... a watch?" It seemed like every time he'd asked himself, the unyielding question got harder and harder to grasp, ambiguous by nature and obscured as cryptic was. There's always something in our grasp that we can't reach. He thought. Mysterious That question hunted him, in a subtle way. Buried in the question with no answer Asking... Why?

>>8520623
"Hey there"

Or similar.

“My mother drove me to the airport with the windows rolled down. It was seventy-five degrees in Phoenix, the sky a perfect, cloudless blue. I was wearing my favorite shirt – sleeveless, white eyelet lace; I was wearing it as a farewell gesture. My carry-on item was a parka.”

>>8525920
Maybe im a pleb but id read it if it were short.

>>8530849
That's interesting.

>>8531481
>That question hunted him
Oh, you got me angry.

"It was a beautiful day. The sky... well now, how many authors do we need to describe the sky? I presume you live here, you know what it looks like, right? Blue. Now that that's over and done with, we can move along to what's really important: my wife's asshole."

>>8527113
>Douglas had to poop, his butt was all stinky because he had to poop so badly. There was a gross woman named Rebecca who was sunbathing all naked and she was fat. Douglas walked up to her and said, "I need to poop". "Okay, Rebecca replied, "I like poop". Douglas squatted down over the fat sunbathing lady and went poop. The poop sat there on Rebecca's boobs, looking like a weiner.

My inner juvenile tittered with unabashed glee.

>>8520628
is that you scruff?

I remember so well the day Mother got blacked.

"I, Donald Trump, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States."

She had the kind of body that made men want to have sex with her.

Start of the Holy war Part 1
King Gabriel stood before his dying father before the start of the war.
"My son, show me your blade."
Gabriel gives him the sword
"It surpasses my own and it well serve you well, now show me your shield."
Gabriel gives him the shield
"A fine shield indeed, better then mine, now show me your dick."
Gabriel gives him the D.
"F-Father, I'm afraid that this will never surpass your penis! How can I call myself your son?" wept Gabriel
"Fret not my son. Although your dick is small, you can still do great things. I have made my peace, I give you my blessing, and my soul."
Gabriel's father dies, his soul slowly drifting into Gabriel's dick leaving a tingling sensation
"I will make you proud father!"

>>8533207
Start of the Holy war Part 2
The first battle of the war is nearly over. Gabriel and his men stand before Commander Victus and his few remaining men.
"King Gabriel! I challenge you to a duel of honor!"
"I accept."
"Then I will fight you with my strongest weapon."
Victus tosses his legendary sword to the side, and signals his personal 20 feet dragon to fly away.
Victus unsheathes his pants and draws out his penis.
King Gabriel's army panic.
"By the gods! Your majesty! That there's a 10 inch pecker! Let us attack together you can't fight him alone!"
"When the enemy commander has challenged me to a duel, I must oblige!"
Gabriel takes out his puny genitals and clashes with Victus.
Everyone on the battlefield gazed in amazement at the two leaders duking it out with their dicks.
"Allow me to show you why they call me Victus of the Storm!"
Victus's penis doubled in size and began to ejaculate thunder.
"With the blessing of my father, the spirit of my father watching me, my dick thickens! Sharper the the sharpest of weapons! Stronger then the strongest of wills! My dick thickens!"
King Gabriel pierces through the invincible lightning jizz and defeats Victus

AHAAAAHAAAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH FAGGOT!

>>8533249
Start of the Holy war Part 3
King Gabriel's men cheered at the victory.
Suddenly the terrifying demon lord swoops in and absorbs the spirit of Gabriel's dad out of his dick.
The demon lord flys away.
"King Gabriel... you have bested me. I admire that, let me aide your cause."
"Very well. Please! Shoot lightning at the demon lord so I may save my father!"
"Alright, but it will take a while to recharge, are you able to carry me to the dragon?"
"Of course!"
"Then let us go, I will now recharge my lightning attack!"
Gabriel picks ups Victus and runs to the demon lord.
Victus begins to aggressively jerk himself off.
"Gods speed, Victus!"
thus begins the epic of The Holy War.

Hey reeeeeader, what up!

Tyrone nosedived fearlessly into the deepest recesses of the internet; past the surface layer of polished social media, through early 00s blogs with lurid text on black backgrounds and dancing Michael Jackson .gifs, searching for links in obscure IRC chatrooms where 99% of .onion links led to zip files full of gay porn and Holocaust photographs (sometimes daringly synthesised), bouncing his signal across an unfathomable array of nodes where They could not hope to follow, until he finally found it - the truth he had known deep down throughout his life, the secret history you'd never learn in America's bleached-mayo history classrooms - his people really wuz kangs.

>>8520623
There was only one enemy, two of you counted God.

>>8520640
This gets less funny every time it's posted.

>>8520830
>not the blurst of times

If I fuck all my bully's moms, does that make me the bully?

>>8532488
This is only horrible because you blue-balled us by not describing his wife's asshole.

>>8535914
Change it to "mommies" and you're set.

>>8520883
a novel from the point of view of a retarded nigger that actually sounds like a fun read

The Pentel P205 Mechanical Drafting Pencil.
0.5mm lead
1.1cm grip diameter
Approximately 12cm in length
This is the weapon I used to kill four men.

>>8520623
Finnegan's Wake

>>8520623
The man in black fled across the dessert and the gunslinger followed.

>>8530892

>Dear god I wanna dive right into that ass
>Chart daddy a course for Seduction Island

I'm sorry, what was the prompt again

>>8520623
One day mario woke up and decided to take a shit because hey he's mario.

>>8536435
Lel. I tried reading that stuff a couple of years back since a friend kept telling me about them. Couldn't make it though the second book, was that suppose to be Esteban Rey's magnum opus n shiet?

>>8523359
>splSHHHHHHHHHH
>BLUBLUBLUBLUH

Gurm?

>>8532488
This is awful because you're basically starting with "I have nothing to say that hasn't been said a thousand times already". You can't really go anywhere after that and keep the readers' interest.

Tyler gets me a job as a waiter, after that Tyler's pushing a gun in my mouth and saying, the first step to eternal life is you have to die.

I really like to jerk off a lot. My dog died the other day. I wanna get a driver's license. I just dropped out of college. I'm conflicted about dropping out of college. My name is Tyrese and I'm conflicted about dropping out of college.

>>8522119
indeed

>>8520623
"Call me Dracula"
No, really, you can call me Dracula. Or at least a Dracula. That's the proper name for what you folks call a vampire. It comes from the old Drake-lad, a name given to us after we made the Ancient Pact with the humans to take care of the drake problem. Oh, drakes (a.k.a. dragons) are real too. No need to worry though, as we're keeping them all out of harm's way deep in the heart of the Amazon. Well, except for the one that just escaped. The one I was charged with taking care of...this is somewhat of a problem.

>>8521318
Was just thinking about that scene XD
via 9GAG

>>8537589
What are you implying?

I'm Rick Harrison, and this is my pawn shop. I work here with my old man and my son, Big Hoss. Everything in here has a story and a price. One thing I've learned after 21 years - you never know WHAT is gonna come through that door.

DARKNESS. DARK DARK DARK DARK. My voice echoed throughout my own personal hell as I laid in my room and watched anime for the entire day as I looked at the clock and it was 4:48am. Hello darkness my old friend.

A man and his family walked into a talent agency

Shit. That one was rank. I sucked the fart out and held it as long as I could. How did I get myself into this mess? Its been 3 years since World War Tri, and the job market has changed dramatically. I guess I do what pays the bills.

They shoot the white girl first.

>>8520623
Mitch slowly slid his penis into the meat grinder. His right hand went to the crank. "Am I really going to do this?", he thought. "...Yes".

Time will tell they said. Just be yourself they said. Things will get better they said. Just chase your dreams they said. Well they were wrong. They were all wrong. And as I stand here dressed as bozo the clown cradling my AR-15 thoughts of all those sluts who refused to fuck me enter my mind just to laugh at me.

"I'll show em. I'll give them something to laugh at. Mr. Giggles will give em some real gut bustas."

>>8520691
>>8520990

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yModCU1OVHY

This thread.

Alright, It's time. I position myself on the public bench at around 4:45 pm. Almost giddy, I remind myself I need to relax if this is going to work. Putting on my headphones I select my stormy weather playlist and in mere minutes I feel myself dozing off. I've gotten good. I wake up to the confused gaze of a small crowd. It worked. Standing up I close the zipper to my pants pretending it was an accident and I start my way home. I got them again.

For months i've been practicing this. Falling asleep in public parks with my penis out has been the most exhilarating moments of my life. My plan is foolproof. Due to my ED i never get hard, a blessing in disguise at it masks my intentions. Sometimes I wonder how long I can keep getting away with this.

>>8520623
Let's talk about my period. It only comes once a month but when it does, how does that make you feel?

Oh, is that you? I've been waiting for ages, dear reader. Whatever kept you so long? Oh, never mind.

"One moment, please! Thomas, please! They've only just arrived! Will you calm down? The path isn't going anywhere anytime soon, and it's certainly not going anywhere without our reader here."

Sorry about that. Thomas always gets impatient before these long treks. Now if you could j-

"BE QUIET, THOMAS! This is no way to greet a new reader!"

Where was I? Ah, yes. Now if you just clear you mind of any intrusive thoughts then we can begin. I find it helps to situate yourself in a comfortable position in a quiet location. Yes, yes. I know. Not everyone has that luxury. You could at least do me the courtesy of placing your phone some place else. How do you expect to get to know Thomas and me properly if you're constantly looking down at that ghastly device? Sorry, sorry. I suppose you're ready to meet Thomas now. Follow me.

>>8522518
Yeah I hate to say it but this is actually good. Fuck you.

>>8525250
Twice upon a time

You break me down, you build me up. Except you never got around to that second part. You build me down, you break me up, you tell me little stories.

>>8535914
how many moms does your bully have?

My vagina hurts. OUCH?!

>>8520623
A ship at sea is its own world. To be the captain of a ship is to be the unquestioned ruler of that world and requires all of the leadership skills of a prince or minister.

Her name in Spanish meant "the boobs". Her name was Elle Boobs.

>>8525307
he had to pilot the eva

My mother used to work at neonates, taking care of the heroin babies. She woudldn't talk about her work with me, only my sister. I guess she thought I wasn't sensitive enough. All I could ever get out of her was that black babies have slightly bigger penises than the other ones. I would say 'Maybe there's a bias because most of the black families have good values and better food and whatnot, as opposed to the council estate junkie trash babies'
'No, son,' she would respond 'I've been a nurse for a long time, I've seen it all, I've seen dicks down below a man's knee, a dead man's knee, you don't know what I've seen.'
Mother and I... We don't talk much any more.

>>8521696
Although he considers the Beatles to be mediocre musicians, he actually gives them pretty decent ratings and their producer George Martin is very high in his greatest producers list.

>>8520805
I fapped to this.

There wasn't really anything that special about tonight - sure the sky above was dripping with stars, yes the cityscape around him was pulsing with neon energy and he was /totally/ sure that every corner was bundled with description and narrative, it was just that for once, James didn't feel like looking at any of it in serious detail. He wasn't grumpy or anything, just. Felt a little lazy?

No, lazy wasn't the word he was looking for, he felt...

A few moments of thinking proved that whatever he was going through, it wasn't going to made concrete at the moment. This didn't bother him in the slightest - he was supposed to be focusing right now anyway.

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

"If the young talib bodyguard had known that making the cell phone call would kill him, he would not have done it. But he did not know, so he did, and it did."

Fucking best-seller...

>>8524320
I'm blown away that Death Grips is that chill. I thought he lived in an alley and pulled together cash to make a video every five years or so.

White water spills from my cock-organ, again, careful now; you don't want it in your eyes, Starboy.

Dankmeme; the nuptialisms of the cosmogenous nonhegemonous frog-god's thought-speech were divine but none knew the sound for hierarchical thought makes no sound but rather resoresexonerates in the believer's mind; make no mistake that King-Ten-Henry of the diurnallyliturgicalclergy knew not that the frog-god thought-spake unto him, for he was bbb in the soul and ddd in the mind; but then the reader asks "what then of Sisyphax and Polycles, of Hermunictus and Ron, warefor are their tails entwined?"

High above in the empty sky hung the swollen sun, the blistering Mother eagerly bathing her children in warmth. Below the two, twin-like towers jutted out of the flat ground, the rebellious child standing in defiance, reflecting the orange and yellow hues of the desert. Surrounding them were the familiar canyons, looming like an overeager father, spreading his shadows far and wide across the vast area, save for the towers. The child of earth and sky reached into the heavens, their diamond-esque material and sharp edges contrasted with the rough cracks springing up from the ground flowing like veins from the rims of the valley.

I support Black African Americans Empowerment. Black African Americans are the true Americans. Everyone else should endure centuries of slavery as reparations. If you do not agree with this assessmant, quite frankly you are racist and you need to check your privilege. If our demands are not met we will riot. We will riot in the streets. We will riot in the fields. We will riot in the beaches and valleys. We will riot until you accept your submission as terms of your continued existence here. Anything less is a declaration of war. Anything less.

Harold Bloom, professor of literature and author of the western canon, shook his delightfully provocative rump.

Round and and round it spun,
buttocks clasped and splayed
by his arthritic phalanges, fully exhibiting its tufted liver spots.

"Dance for us, Bloomie, Dance for us, chum," the youthful lads laughed. Harold's cellulose-filled, hemorrhoid-riddled ass wobbled as he gyrated his increasingly accelerating hips.

Two men, bathed in silver screenlight, watched as 10 low resolution jpegs slid across the virtual tabletop marking the beginning of their final battle.

Severus_63: Looks like it's my turn. Prepare for the duel of a lifetime.

rolf: alright

Severus_63: Now! I'll set two cards face down in the Spell and Trap Zone, I'll summon Hydrogeddon in Face Up Attack Position! My turn ends.

rolf: okay lol I'll draw a card then summon Alexandrite Dragon. guess ill attack your Hydrogeddon with it now

Quietus_63: No! My Hydrogeddon is destroyed and sent to the graveyard!

rolf: so it goes. now i'll play shard of greed and set a card in the spell/trap zone. your move m8

Quietus_63: Draw! Well, that certainly wasn't the card I was hoping for...

>>8542045
>>8542026
>>8541354
>>8537008
>>8520805
>>8541354
I like.

>>8537186
This is easily the worst one in the thread.

Yo cam her fo figh, bu yo i no gonn ge on

>>8535987
Yeah, I'm already tossing out my copy of Mein Kampf.