/lit/ - Literature

>>8465408

You somehow managed to cram three full names into your goddamn opening sentence?

>the accomplished adventurer
victorian noir, or golden age pulp?

>>8465408
The quick brown fox, Fox Foxley, jumped over the big, flea-bitten, sleeping, spotted, smelly dog with his friends Foxy, Faux, and Fux in the busy garden near the shed.

Desprenia l’essència de la mort. Aquella figura, esprimatxada i pàl·lida, avançava pels passadissos de la universitat acompanyada solament pels seus passos, buits i nerviosos.

Elise, age eight, would sit on her fingers in class to calm her jittery nerves; by age eighteen she smoked cigarettes instead.

>>8466329
>>8465408
Shit
>>8465908
Ok
>>8466231
Could be anything, keep it up beaner

>>8465408
Dahnald....

Where does one start?

>>8465408
Albert's carriage rumbled over the rocky mountain path.

>>8466653
Faulkner?

>>8466699
No I am just really boring.

I overslept the day they shot the President.

>>8466329
I actually like this, but it sounds familiar in a way that makes me think it's actually a parody of something, a /lit/ inside joke, or there's some other reason that I shouldn't like it.

>>8467709
Well it got me hooked, so congrats on that, but it almost feels punchy in a forced way

I was ill for a long time.

>>8465908
Really neat. Maybe use more grotesque descriptions of the shed and garden

>>8467744
I like this one

>>8467744
There is a confidence in starting with a short, simple line. Very nice.

“Mr chairman, unless something has changed in the last two hours, the law is subservient only to God. So unless you are to suggest that the head of the IRS is, in fact, God, I would demand an answer to the question that I have put to her, now, five times.”

>>8465408
Were you aiming for Dan Brown tier?

>>8465408
Great.

>>8465908
Best

>>8466653

Plain but gud.

>>8467709

Gud though like >>8467721 said.

>>8467744
Very gud. Favorite so far.

>>8467820

Long but gud incentivizing bite.


>>8466329

Doesn't feel like a first sentence for me but I do like it. The 'age eight' part is what throws it off for me. In a 2nd or later sentence it'd work for me but it doesn't as the 2nd and 3rd word of the sentence.

>>8465408

Too stuffy and unless the reader is already familiar with these characters ends up focusing more on them than on the adventure they are on.

Switch the 2nd part of the sentence with the first? Horse drawn cart traveled blah blah blah, the accomplished adventurer blah blah blah residing wi thin.

Vincent crossed the road, his determined, hard gaze not betraying his thoughts of the vermin scrambling to get away from him.

"It was a cold dark morning"

>>8466717

I'm dying

The vampire hung suspended by his wrists from chains that stretched his arms widely.

The naked man who lay splayed out on his face beside the swimming pool might have been dead.

>>8467875
This is a good one

>>8465408
It's not an understatement to say I've never been much for adventure.

And then it leads into 60000 words of passive aggressive ranting about a foreign girl refusing to sleep with me.

>>8467820
I like it. Lots of character in that voice.

One day, or night, Abraham woke to a lacking sunlight.

It was a grand future when I was smoking my pipe, where steampunk reigned supreme, and women and minorities knew their place.

>>8465408
I poured only a little sugar into my porridge, because it was already sweet with honey.

>>8468002
yo Rivers Cuomo what up
>>8465408
sounds like the script to Van Helsing

You awake to the smell of semen leaching out of your butthole.

>>8468220
Could be good.

>>8465408
too long

>>8465908
too long, generic

>>8466329
i like it

>>8466653
okay

>>8466351
generic

>>8467709
a little too YA "punchy" but i feel as though the intention was good, just rephrase it a bit

>>8467744
like it

>>8467820
bad to start with dialogue

>>8467836
too much tell not enough show

>>8467850
generic

>>8467868
okay

>>8467875
generic

>>8468176
rhythm feels forced

>>8468190
kek

You're all bad at writing and should stop.

>All around the sound of crochets created an agreeable atmosphere.

The piece is titled "An Agreeable Interlude" after Joyce's line. The line is there to connect to the title so it seems like that is the reason why it's titled as such. In reality this is a trick because the theme is based on the post college drag many millennials experience for various reasons.

>>8468372
Crickets* not crotches. Autocorrect

>>8468351
>rhythm feels forced

As opposed to accidental, you fucking retard?

>>8468402
uh, yes? what else would it be?

don't be mad about writing poorly friend, just learn and try harder next time

>>8468402
You're an idiot

Not a novel but a longish short story I wrote over Christmas (the last thing I wrote; holy fuck it's been a dry season)

>My friend was a musician, the best I'd ever known (and I'd known a few); he was most at home on the piano, whose black and white plane he knew as a mother knows her child, and on whose slender length he could trace the steps of any existing work of any style or period, or set off into unmapped territory to effortlessly carve a way; he could play a guitar as well as the piano, or any stringed instrument for that matter, whose fine drills he made yield with a swift and unencumbered ease; he could be handed a strange and alien instrument, whose shape and form, whose dials and wires and bells and frets he'd till then never seen, and with five minutes of tinkering it would be as open to his influence as any other, as if he'd played it his whole life; he was often assailed to play this song or that, and would oblige if he knew it without exception, since he drew no distinction, as the philistines do, between high and low styles, and was as comfortable performing Charlie Mingus as he was Chopin; he did, however refuse to play brass or woodwind; he lacked the lung power, he said.

The style is deliberately grandiose and a little cloying, to communicate the narrator's inauthenticity , but I didn't want to overwhelm the reader with this and make it unreadable.

>>8468486
>The style is deliberately
If you feel the need to tell us that you're doing something on purpose, you might be doing something wrong.

>>8465408
"'Niggers' I read from my Mark Twain novel."

>>8468486
>communicate the narrator's inauthenticity

You mean, the author's?

>>8467709
Try:

>I overslept on the day I was supposed to shoot the president

>>8468537
What is this even trying to imply?

>>8468499
In a normal context yes, you would be right, but considering I've just given you a very small portion of the complete work, some things need to be clarified. I imagine an intelligent reader would be able to work out the style is deliberate by the end of the first page.

They overslept while the rest left.

>>8468558
>I imagine an intelligent reader would be able to work out the style is deliberate by the end of the first page

Nobody can even make it to the end of the first sentence.

>>8468558
This is all besides the fact it's an opening line thread and you have a while passage. Retard

>>8468801
>what are semi-colons

>>8468372
>>8468381
Could be boring but pretty good start.

It would take him two full days to get the joke but he laughed at it right away.

>>8468939
Neat, but not very evocative.

Wolfgang realized, with a sort of laugh, that every joke he had recently heard had been told by himself, to himself, and at his own expense.

>>8468951
Very good. I think you could tidy it up a bit, to make it sound a bit less clunky.

>>8465408
pathetic

>>8465408
On the third day, they realized they were being followed.

>>8465408
>not like its going anywhere

Blistering ice flew about the tundra, the incoming storm began its run in with the collapsed form propped up against the flat side of a boulder.

>>8469115

>>8469121
I just tend toward the purp my friendo

>>8469126
Toilets just tend towards the brown my friendo.

>>8469121
Holy fuck if that's what you consider purple prose you need to read something other than Raymond Carver like holy fuck man

>>8469129
thx m8

>>8469136
Jesus. I hope you haven't posted whatever the fuck you call prose.

>>8469136
fuck you nigger

>>8469138
np bb

I'm here for you.

>>8469115
>>8469121
>>8469126
>>8469129
>>8469136
>>8469138
>>8469140
>>8469145
>>8469147
>kek

>>8469158
I don't get it.

>>8469158
>>8469170
I am him and neither do I.

>>8469115
The fuck are you even trying to say, that isn't purple at all its just nonsense

>>8469534
>it was a cold and stormy night; the snow fell in torrents --- except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up a collapsed form (for it is on a boulder that our form lies)

It's not nonsense, it's just purple.

It’s a shame about my pride and his selfishness; without those two resolute bastards, we could have stayed friends

Had James known that the punishment for mauling his history teacher would be nothing more than a lecture and two days without internet, he would have done it years ago.

>>8466231
I actually like this even though I don't understand Portuguese if that's the language. Something about a ghostly girls walking through the halls of a university?

>>8466351
>>8467744
>>8467820
>>8468176
>>8469108
Best ones so far

Gay boys with tight, muscular bodies, touching and feeling each other, their cocks hard and already oozing with precum, ready to shoot big, hot loads into wet mouths and tight assholes.

She, born pale, under that pale shaped moon.

>>8469972
>Mine isn't among the best

>>8470000
quads

don't worry lad it's my opinion, like everyone """"critiquing"""" what is perhaps the most unimportant part of a story

>>8470000
At least you got quads on a slow board.

I can't even find the motivation to write, not even with nice comfy music.
My head is bursting with ideas, I just can't get the words on paper in a way I like.

>>8470007
Just keep shitting it out. Phrase it ten different ways. You can always delete nine.

>>8470007
first draft should be garbage. Total shit. Just write it fast as fuck and get everything on the page. Don't worry about the words yet. Don't even think of it as the first draft. It's the zeroth draft. Assume you'll rewrite everything.

>>8470018
this

>>8470007
>I just can't get the words on paper in a way I like
>In a way I like
There's your problem.

You might like the idea of spewing out endless Dumas without fault. The reality is that it doesn't work that way. Write good ideas like shit, then edit, rephrase, edit etc. until you're happy with it.

Waking up to a loud crash rarely means something good is happening. It's never "CRASH! Mom made pancakes!" or "CRASH! We decided to adopt a Golden Retriever!"

>>8470018
>>8470042
>>8470052
Ya know what? You're right.

The best time to write has always been when I was too tired to overthink stuff but maybe I should start just actively not overthinking all this.
If everybody always waited until the perfect sentence or page or chapter just happened, nothing good would have ever been written down.

I'll give it a try. Thanks, mates.

>>8470065
Godspeed anon, best of luck.

"Are we still soldiers?"

Which raises questions of it's own, is opening with dialogue good or bad?

>>8465408
Only one enemy remained; two if you counted God.

The reality with all these openings is that their either fit your own perspective or they don't. Out in the world you'll get millions of people saying a shit one is good, and a good one shit, and they're just as correct.

They're all great, I just think many are shit.

I whipped out my double barrelled katana and teleported behind naruto "nothing personal kidd xD" as his jaw dropped and i grinned like jack the ripper.

The fact that Bob had a name made him dangerous.

>>8470083
Depends.
Is it just a prologue, a Chapter 0?
In that case, depending on the genre you are going for, you can easily start by throwing the reader right into the 'action'.

If it's the first real sentence of Chapter 1, it has to be very good line of dialogue. One that pulls the reader in and, if possible, relates to the character saying it or the big overarching story.

For that line, I can see many ways to make it work really well. You could even be a smartass and answer that question on the very last page as the closing words.

In the end it all depends on what you are trying to achieve with these first few lines and how well you execute it.

There was a time when the dog would talk to me.

>>8470106
It is a prologue and a chapter 1 at the same time, it takes place five years before the main plot but does include a lot of important character interaction without being too expo-dump.

And I already thought ahead about being a smartass, the final line at the end of this freakin' saga is going to be:

>She was a soldier.

Referring to the same character. I do love a good book-end like that.

-Anon, The University of Anonymous is thrilled to have accepted you as a new student.-

"What am I supposed to think of this?"

The front door pet-flap opens letting in a black cat and a slight breeze.

>I don't know, just something I would probably start writing about.

>>8470105
His name makes him dangerous but it's a fairly uninspired name as far as names go.
Unless being fairly normal is part of the danger.

>>8470127
I like. Very much.

>>8470102
10/10

>>8470105
>>8470127
>>8469998
>>8469644
>>8469600
Just awful.

>>8470088
Hilarious.

>>8470083
Like this one. People will say opening with dialogue is bad, but can rarely explain why -- it's just English class dogma. Wouldn't say it's necessarily good either, it just depends on the line.

>>8470055
The first sentence was alright, but fuck off with that second sentence.

>>8469987
Soon to be a bestseller among self-published erotica e-books

I'm not writing a novel.

>>8470172
If whoever thinks or says that sentence ends up writing a novel at the end of your novel, it will be sweet sweet irony.

My name is Prometheus and my friend's name is Bob.

>>8465408
And so it happened again, a perfect Saturday night ruined by murder

Heart did not follow act as Publius thrust his sword trough the olive branch and neck of the Carthaginian youth that had extended both towards him.

they kept gazing at each other as if something was going to happen, they all knew it, it was in the air,the problem was, they were all worried for the wrong reasons.

The monkey had typed "It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times" and I, C. Montgomery Burns, got a little angry.

The monkey had typed "It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times" and I had gotten a little angry.

L O N D O N
O
N
D
O
N

>>8470245

"An hour of wolves and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down, but it is not this day!"
All the way in the back, in the last line of soldiers, Áemer was wondering if anybody would notice if he snuck away or, at the very least, rolled his eyes.

It was only after his eloquent speech that he realized that he was talking to strangers who spoke a totally different language,and by the cold look they had on their eyes he quickly understood that he was in prison,and that pretty words didn't cut it anymore.

>>8470223
Run-on sentence.

>>8470245
I grinned, though why use "had" here?

>>8470208
Awkward, fumbling.

>>8470199
Bad.

She ran her fingers trough my widow's peak as I teased her twin peaks during Twin Peaks. A rerun of a recent episode, on tv as in our lives.

>>8470288
>her twin peaks
Anon please this isn't as clever as you think it is

>>8470262
Just awful.

>>8470269
Alright. You have a look in your eyes, not on them.

It was the Devil who fought against tyranny and it was me who followed him into the abyss of forgotten saviors.

Fuck if I know.

>>8470295
Who says I was aiming to be clever?

>>8468357
That's a weird one.

>>8465408
Shitting hardly, she looked at crying little girl sitting under the ceiling, living here.

>>8465408
Your soul, Dahnald, hand it over.

As the man was shouting and moving his arms frenetically while spasmodically babbling all kinds of obscenities he suddenly understood why he hasn't got any luck with girls all these years, so he kept a mirror in his pocket ever since.

>>8470371
>why he hasn't got any luck with girls all these years
I'm sorry, I'm not a native speaker, can anyone please correct that sentence? I know it's poorly written.

>>8470366
That's not an original work.
You copied that from 'Confessions of The Zodiac Killer'!

>>8470375
>hadn't had
Is probably better.
> he suddenly understood why he hadn't had any luck

Such sweet, silky sights.

>>8470387
Thanks.

>>8470371
Anon, your opening is a superb example of not only being concise, but providing an awesome hook. A great opening line causes the reader to want more. In this case my immediate reaction was " why hasnt he got any luck with girls?" Great concept, with great contrast, and I would love to read more.

Great prose also has flow- great rhythm. Again, yours is a perfect example. The cadence is also perfect. Sounds great and feels great.

My friends and clients know me as often being over critical. On the other hand when I see greatness, I am equally blunt. Your opening sentence is nothing less than SUPERB!

>>8468203
Bro what the actual fuck with that webm? It kind of rocked my world. I don't know what to do now. Where do i go from here

>>8470334
>Who says I was aiming to be clever?
The play on "peak" (not twice, but three times) and the rerun bit indicate to me that you're trying pretty hard to be clever.

Call me Israel.

>>8470558
Israel, you say?

>>8470521
But you're wrong. I'm not trying very hard. It's simply to establish a theme of repetition in a sort of pointless way, during a recent time and era where staving of boredom was harder than it is now. It's shaping up to be a very boring novella, which is entirely the point.

To find the source of our troubles we must go back several years to the border between Kosovo and Montenegro, there five men creep across the border.

A flurry of brilliant colors splashed across the stars of Algiers.

(Fireworks)

I was living like a dead man for far too long, but as I looked to the sergeant spastic bloody body it hit me that I was damn alive.

>>8470318
like it

>>8470300
I bet you wear a wolf shirt and do imagined katana swings in front of a mirror when you think no one is near.

>>8470672
As does everybody else who comes to this place.

Black clouds blanketed the sea and rain poured down from the heavens.

Walking on the sand they could feel the hot, sun-kissed spectacles stabbing their feet

Why couldn't I have just been born as a girl in a Japanese cartoon.

>>8470584
you suck and i hate you

you remind me of myself

>The light but unending rain clashed soothingly against the narrow-ended streets of Verin, whose broken but towering architecture was unable to hold the smooth torrent at bay.

I feel like descriptive imagery no longer hooks for the normies

>>8465408
The whistle of a fly splits the air like Moses' mother split the bulrushes to deposit her sleeping progeny into a river, not in a manner dissimilar to the way a FedEx employee might deposit a package to the mercy of my doorstep, the delivery being at mercy due to dark nature of my cul de sac's inhabitants.

By dark, I mean to say that I live in a neighborhood of negros.

But anyways, the fly. It whistled and buzzed like an old man who had nowhere to be, but was perfectly pleased with chatting your ear hard enough to make you wish you were freezing to death on the outer rings of Jupiter. At that moment, the phone rang, screaming out from the kitchen and surprising the fly into a somersault so graceful and swift, I was sure it would've earned a straight ten at the Olympics.

Be that as it may, I had no qualms about killing Olympian level athletes, or really any kind of athletes at all. I had made my mind up. I made my solemn vow:

"The fly must die."

It was too late to turn back now. I had made an oath with the universe, my departed words sealing themselves to the oxygen. I knew what had to be done. I would not shirk my duty.

______________

What do you guys think? Its the opening for a novel I'm writing. Its a slice of life story about an average dude and his friend, Frank the fly. Its also about my own depression and schizophrenia, somehow.

>>8470852
Thank you. I can think of no higher praise.

>>8470245
Fucking incredible. I hope this is an actual novel you're writing.

Gave me a good hearty chuckle.

The children had decorated the gallows with flowers.

>>8471070
He stole it from The Simpsons

>>8465408
>Waking up to a loud crash rarely means something good is happening. It’s never “CRASH! Mom made pancakes!” or “CRASH! We decided to adopt a Golden Retriever!"

Some tourists think Amsterdam is a city of sin, but in truth it is a city of freedom. And in freedom, most people find sin.

Uh-oh-Spaghetti-O's--Steve Stevesdadson sure was in a bind.

He came-to sprawled out on an unfamiliar couch.

>>8471228
Dumb observation
>>8471080
Good juxtaposition, give me the next sentence.

The assassin smirked as she withdrew the baseball bat hidden inside her vagina, and I knew Casual Friday was about to get messy.

>>8465408
I am unclean.

>>8470246
Actually quite promising.

>>8470007
Just try writing one paragraph a day, after a few weeks you'll have a few short stories and after after years maybe a short novel which is more than most people ever accomplish. Honestly fuck getting published, its not about making money at least for me. I just don't want to be on my death bed and still have those thoughts in my head instead of in my hands on paper.

I awoke early in the morning, but until I felt the sun upon my face, I did not labor to rise.

Sometimes a men needs to make a great sacrifice. And this sometime... was now.

The camp was like a watercolor left too long in the rain

>>8471448
>Dumb observation

You could probably provide better criticism than that

I love it when /lit/ shits on reddit when these openings are as terrible as what you see on /r/writing

In the beginning, God said let there be light. In the end, man said the same. (Beginning of a post-nuclear war dystopia?

>>8465408
"Well, it would appear that we are the last two people on earth m'lady."

>>8471517
Ignore the ?. Was meant to close brackets

Running wildly through a dark and noisy jungle, Apollo struggles to find his way through the maze of black trees covered in glowing purple veins.

>>8471511
Probably.

>>8471517
>>8471523
Edgy, but works really well I think.

>>8470408
You are mocking me.

I was in a cage in the middle of the desert,being dragged around by baboons. It was them who should've been in the cage, but then again, the world is a fucked up place.

[character's name, i still didn't find it] was anxiusly pulling the sheets of his bed.

Dada Dadasdadson didn't ditto do dope.

'Hi my names is John the Baptist and I drive trucks.'

>>8471648
That's just the worst thing I've ever read.

A woman is more attractive with clothes on than naked, I'm telling you.

Pleasure is not sustainable over time because you always need more, masochism on the other hand generally gets you going because you can always experience more pain, I'm telling you this because the woman over there you were flirting with is my future ex wife.

He was set out to do something that would make his birthday a national holiday. More or less.

>>8472058
Uh, I don't think you really know what the saying, "More or Less," means.

Part of defining the character of a nation is defining what it isn't, which is how Phelippes found himself perched atop a guillotine finishing up the blade gantry.

>>8471498
I cac see what you're getting at, but the rain part is all wrong imo. Find another thing.
>>8471486
This isn't bad

>>8471109
Should've known it was too good...

The alleyway was not dark, although it was brief, allowing light from each end to fall helpless into the cowering shadows that grew weaker by the neon lit night.

What business do I have in reckoning with that ugly blue-bearded giant of a groping specter, his absurd gaping palms, the towering fat figure of Americana's Stupid Ghost?

My Journal's full so I might as well start writing here.

>>8471517
I don't like it. Seems to me like a crib from the Alpha and Omega thing Fallout has already capitalized on

>>8465408
Fucking shit, death is here, isn't it?

>>8465408
Is Wolfgang von Herrman the new Gregory Berrycone?

Everyone's memeing this shit

>>8471223
10/10

upboated

For one brief, beautiful moment, the thirty-four-foot statue was perfectly upside down.

She loved to hunt, but hated getting dirt under her nails.

Fred, on an antique table covered in erotic art, busted a nut, and ate it.

>>8471514
some of these are on /r/writing

>>8473050
Wow, what you gonna do with all that edge

>>8473167
This is intriguing enough

>>8473102
Lovely, but it could use a bit of a backstory and more suspense, using this as an opening sentence leaves too much to imagine,

>>8466329
>>8467709
>>8467875
>>8470366
>>8471498
>>8471080
These I want to see more of

>>8471228
>>8470288
These are painful

"His anus was wet and he didn't know why. He wondered if they knew it too."

>>8466329
>>8467709
>>8467875
>>8470366
>>8471498
>>8471080
These I want to see more of

>>8471228
>>8470288
These are painful

"His anus was wet and he didn't know why. He wondered if they knew it too."

>>8467709
>>8468550
You're both talentless morons. It's:
>I overslept the day I shot the president.
Anything else is shit.

>>8473167
I love to masturbate under the sheets and then eat my own cum to not get them cum stained

The darkness of the night enveloped me, shrouding me from the unwanted gaze of my prey.

It all began when, acting due to an unknowable impetus, the universe ballooned outwards from a single point of seemingly infinite density— but for brevity's sake, let's skip all the boring stuff that's happened since and pick up where it really gets exciting.

>>8473102
great
>>8473166
edgy, but interesting
>>8473167
okay
>>8473607
generic, could be okay given context
>>8473617
a little clunky maybe, decent idea though

Now that rolling his eyes hurt, he realized how often he did it.

>>8473648
Kind of random, but could be good given context

There was no bright color in the room. Outside there was plenty. Through the bars of her window, Sian could see sunlight on drifting litter and flashes of foliage in the narrow gaps between squatter shacks.

Stripped naked, strapped to a table surrounded by nuns, Ernest knew he was in for an interesting evening.

>>8465408
How drunk was this motherfucker?
"Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was a moocow coming down along the road and this moocow that was coming down along the road met a nicens little boy named baby tuckoo."

A comedian, a physicist and a nun walk into a bar.

>>8473681
boring
>>8473685
edgy
>>8473697
one of the coolest openings ever
>>8473702
bad

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore—
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently fapping, fapping at my chamber door.

Cest un twa cece je la un candi puno vice.

>>8473725
Edgy shit for emo teens, predictable, I bet there's some gay little crow involved

'This is the last time I accept a job that sounds too good to be true.'

pls r8

>>8473781
Trash

I first noticed that my hair was beginning to fall out when I was nineteen.

The light of humanity can only penetrate a mind's sea so deep; in the darkness, swimming to the surface may only take you deeper.

>>8473864
paulo coehlo

The only things I did were shitpost on 4chan and sleep, and I'd had far too much coffee to sleep.

>>8473903
b-but I don't even know who that is...

>>8473933
nice digits but please tell me this is bait

We lived out in the valley, called The Last of the Green Valleys by the bureau of tourism and the quiet corner by the people who lived there.

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times

(I know it's an allusion but it fits with my book well)

>>8466231
is this Catalan?

The entire arena sighed as their leader started to speak

>>8470065
I wonder if this faggot has written anything yet?

>>8473725
and her eyes had all the seeming
of a semen demon dreaming
and my jism o'er her streaming
completely drenched that filthy whore
and my soul from out that puddle
that lies oozing on that whore
cries forever moar, moar, MOAR!

>>8465408
>"What the heck am I reading" The reader proclaims as the forth wall breaks and comes crumbling down.
>...
>"I told you it is a book on demolish and construction, we need to at least sound like we know what we are doing before the police show up." Frank says now looking for something else to smash with the wrecking ball, now that all four walls of the building had fallen. The thin pale man trying to read the book without his glasses was Joey, Franks friend and now partner in the assorted business ventures after they had gotten fired from CERN.

I just made this up to mess with you, but now my mind is filling in the details as it does for everything, and it actually doesn't seem so bad. Two guys too smart to make a simple living, convoluted entrepreneurship involves international crime syndic and a pack of angry dogs among other things. It is a comedy.

.طوت صفحة اليوم قبل بدئه

>>8468506
best in the thred

>>8470854
this is bad. too many contradictions and bad rhythms
>light
>but unending (I know this is technically possible but it still creates dissonance)

>clashed
>soothingly (dissonance)

>broken
>but towering (sounds awkward to interrupt yourself so frequently)

>architecture (it's awkward to describe the collective sum total of all the buildings in a place as "architecture")
>also it doesn't make much sense to describe architecture as being broken

>unable to hold the smooth torrent at bay (how so? are you trying to say that all the roofs are leaky? this doesn't make sense.)

The clown could not stop pissing himself, and beer flowed everywhere.

>>8468357
>>8470346
Kek

I realized then the catharsis of sleep would be delayed by one third and final humiliation: the chair had taken my place in bed again.

>>8473864
Immediate return to the bookstore for a refund

God knows I tried, but it seemed as though no volume of paper towels could even begin to slow the seeping of my molten flesh.

>>8469121
this is now my wallpaper

been looking for something simple, yet not too flat with a hint of detail. Think I might greyscale it if find the color too much after a few days, but I give it a chance.

>>8465408
"And that, my students, is why humanity is a pathology"

Deer were the hardest.

>>8475714
The beer flowed as freely as the piss that ran down the clown's legs.

>>8474980
The entire arena sighed as their leader began to speak.

>>8474055
The Bureau of Tourism called us "The Last of the Green Valleys", but we preferred to call it "The Quiet Corner".

>>8473864
Humanity's light can illuminate only the very surface of the mind's sea, and in those darker depths, swimming to the surface may take you only deeper.

>>8473864
I first noticed my hair was falling out when I was nineteen.

>>8473685
Stripped naked, strapped to a table, and surrounded by nuns, Ernest was beginning to regret his erection.

>>8473681
The room was without color.

>>8473607
The black of night hid me from the gaze of my prey.

>>8475761
reads like a Brand New verse
oh wait

>>8475722
To win my sleep, the night deemed appropriate to inflict a third and final humiliation: the chair had taken my place in bed again.

>>8475832
you are good

After all the shit /lit/ put on Reddit, here you are producing rubbish of a similar level.

Figures.

A single drop of crimson paint dripped from the ceiling and welcomed Mr. Tremblay into the abandoned house.

>>8468190
Kek

I began to have fantasies of becoming very powerful and stopping everyone from having sex.

>>8476025
same

"Pubes."

>>8468203
you think it was enjoying it?

>>8475959
RED! It's fucking RED! Why do faggots change RED to "Crimson" thinking it's more literary?

The steam rose up majestically as Carlos peed his name into the snow. There was a little bit of splash-back due to unfavorable wind direction, but on the whole it was a quick and efficient way to get him fired from his job as a kindergarten teacher.

>>8475834
i don't understand the ref

Its was over a month ago, with the touch of a foreign and mysterious object, that the lurid visions became a frightening regular occurrence.

>>8476075
sorry, it's red now

Dear Justine,
Today I am become Man.

>>8476187
sorry if he came out as angry or rude, it's his condition.

>>8475743

>>8475832
How you done this?

It was rather nice to have thought I had mistakenly started a new day. My last day, or so I had thought, started early in the morning, with a sudden introduction to consciousness as I awoke to feel that this day would be like any other day. Boring.

My wife usually had a way of spinning things.

>>8470190
Rob would be better.

At this point in all his previous relationships—nine months, still within the “Honeymoon Phase,” according to a Reddit poll of a hundred women that Lyndon had discovered one indiscernible afternoon, after mindlessly deciding to Google “Honeymoon Phase,” to better understand that phenomenon which, to him, didn’t make sense (would the infatuation stage not coincide with the honeymoon phase, and, if they were distinct stages that moved linearly, why would it be seen as a scary thing at all, if people knew, universally, about each of the stages, and that just because one stage ends doesn’t signify the end of the relationship, and, why weren’t people capable of viewing each relationship as a distinct, unknowable and individual phenomenon, dependent on the infinitely disparate personalities of everyone on the planet?), in the manner of a child investigating a Wikipedia article about a praying mantis for a school science project, to, most likely, create a poster, complete with bubbly gradient Word Art and JPEG images badly printed via inkjet onto too-thin computer paper and subsequently attached with an Elmer’s gluestick, though, inevitably, peeled off from the paper curling during the night, and requiring of additional glue, or, in a worst-case scenario, tape, in the morning, before climbing into the car with the poster rolled up and sealed with rubber bands, to present in front of his class—Lyndon had viewed each relationship as definitively “over,” and entering not a period of remission nor dormancy, but absolute conclusion, and a sort-of intermittent “waiting period,” where he viewed himself as already separated from his partner, “broken up” and entirely emotionally separate, though still acting “together” and emotionally present, for sake of his partner, only to wait for the “right time” to officially break up, so as to cause his partner minimal emotional trauma, ie., holding off on the probably-jarring, definitely-depressing act until his partner was in a good emotional space, rather than selfishly break it off only because he himself felt badly about his current situation.

>There was a rhythmic thudding that resonated out of the apartment building, echoing out into the snow-swept slums.

I'm not sure if I want to substitute ghetto for slums, I'm not the biggest fan of alliteration, even if it's unintentional.

>>8471480
"But perhaps the great work of art has less importance in itself than in the ordeal it demands of a man and the opportunity it provides him of overcoming his phantoms and approaching a little closer to his naked reality." - Albert Camus

>>8475663
you shouldn't give advice if you don't know what you're talking about (I'm a different person)

>>8468951
W E A R E I N S I D E T H E M E M E
E

A
R
E

I
N
S
I
D
E

T
H
E

M
E
M
E

Rex Moos used to smoke about three to five boner charcoal'd entropyzer cigarillettes on the goings around Tampa Bay.

>>8470371
Did you eat a thesaurus and then just take a shit on the keyboard? Just... Tone it down. Idk... "As the man was shouting all kinds of obscenities, moving his arms in wild abandon, he suddenly understood why he hadn't had any luck with girls all these years. On reflection, that was why he had kept a mirror in his pocket ever since." Something like that... just, find someone who isn't terrible to edit it.

>>8466231
M'agrada.

A few cryptic messages on a distant screen marked the destruction of trillions on global markets.

Do you have the time to listen to me whine, about nothing and everything all at once?

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

>>8465408
>post your very well written opener so that I may still it because I am a talent-less hack!

>>8471056
>opening sentence from your novel

>>8470408
this fucking pasta lmao

>>8465408

The sun went down on the horizon with all the grace of a thai whore forced to suck dick at gunpoint.

I had started that year a failure.

>>8477803
Excellent

I arrived in Kinney just after midnight, at that curious hour when objects lose their assumed form and the mind casts itself upon the dark.

Tripping over his own name, Barney Bickerbuckle's interview didn't start as well as he had imagined. He said, "Bar... bar..." He stopped there, and grimaced. The interviewer, Finley, touched his hair, his face reddened, and he scowled.

Shitposting on /lit/ kept me from thinking about the stupid wad of money I had on the Florida State game, and it gave me an excuse not to make use of the bottle of sleeping pills in my shivering hand for just a moment longer.

Amid the sights, sounds, and general bustle of our particular Munich café, what might stand out to a discerning viewer? I mark three dramas of interest.

Thick gray clouds hung heavy in the morning, as they had done for the past several days while the thunder rumbled threateningly in the background. Rain had come and gone, and the mages in the local tower believed it would rain again today. The mages were rarely wrong. Mist hovered over Silver Lake and the few people about their day watched as sea and sky merged into a singular blue-grey haze, the town quiet and restful.

Three days ago I stripped naked and laid down on the kitchen floor, determined to stay there until I died.

>>8466329
I like it but
>using a semicolon in your opening line