/lit/ - Literature

"Sired by an archangel and thrust into a world of darkness and chaos,"

I stopped there.

>New Zion

>>788455
This is not trolling. I know the author. :(

this is trolling. 10/10 trolling

My advice: drop the whole thing and come up with something original. Despite your claim that it isn't fan-fiction, it certainly reads like one.

this is a trainwreck.

>He runs in front of the guns, thinking only of the girl's safety, his body taking in round after round of bullets.

I'm sorry sir, but might I make you familiar with the terms 'Mary-Sue' and 'Gary-Stu'? Please take a moment to type them into the search engine of choice and never post here again.

>>788429
>Immortalis
...really?
>Sired by an archangel and thrust into a world of darkness and chaos
You realize of course, the children of Angels and human are the Nephilim, evil giants, right? I can see you're on top of your mythology.
>Nathaniel is a sixteen year
As if there aren't enough teenage heroes.
>Nathan emerges on the outskirts of the large city New Zion, his nigh impossible journey through worlds leaving him drained. An Old Martial Arts teacher finds him injured with burns and lacerations all over his body.
I hate this trope, I really do. "Our hero collapses, but a plot significant character finds them."
>the boy is an amnesiac
So he can regenerate, but his brain doesn't work right because...? Never mind amnesiac heroes are a horrible cliche.
>a girl caught in a brawl with fifteen mobsters
Do you really think mobsters work this way?
>completely unnecessary number of mobsters fighting one teenage girl
Oh, even you don't.
>Nathan is the sort of boy who would sacrifice the world for a pretty face.
That's nice and morally ambiguous.
>The bullets fall out of Nathan, leaving him bloody and torn- but alive
Yes, of course.
>Nathan puts his teachings to practice
Why? Why does he need martial arts when he appears to invulnerable?
>his eyes white, ethereal smoke radiating from them
Lame.
>Hana
Oh, a japanese name. Promising.
>"Who are you?"
Cliched as hell.
>The other mobsters...are disguised demons, sent to destroy human civilizations with the modern vices of gang violence and crime
One, this wouldn't destroy the world, and two, gang violence and crime have been around forever.

The writing is weak, the story filled with cliches, and is just all around unimaginable as fuck.

I want to shoot myself....

1000 times

-Remove Mary Sue main character
-Remove stereotypical bad guys
-Remove cliche "angel falls to earth stuff"
-Remove god-mode powers, at least if you want any sense of jeopardy
-Come up with a better plot line then "demons come to earth to do bad things, good guy must stop them."

>>788486

Pretty much exactly what this guy said.

Kingdom Hearts with angels. Impressive OP.
10/10.

>>788486
Meant "unimaginative".

A look further at the gallery reveals, oh boy, the hero looks like a poorly drawn rip-off of Sora from Kingdumb Hearts. Bloody brilliant. In fact, several other designs reek of the "I've been playing too much Kingdom Hearts" syndrome".

This is some all around god-awful stuff you've got going on here. It may not be fan-fiction, but there's arguably better fan-fiction out there.

Start over, keep writing, ect.

Cool story bro

Go Kill yourself

"This is an original story"

Please OP, find me one section of your story which was in any way original.

I cried tears of blood...

And I read Twilight

>>788535
/thread

Anyone else seen his blogspot?

http://marcpinheiro.blogspot.com/

Can we get some comparison photos in here?

Canadafag here...

Read his blogspot. Is our taxes really going to pay for shit like this?

Goddamn

>>788486
This.

>>788586
>Get into art school
>Draw Ezio with tax dollars

>>788547
>"Divine Rebirth"
What great names we have here today.
>A regular student named Leonardo Belmonte, is just about to graduate from high school.
Teenage fuck hero, great.
>He is then faced with traumatically losing his closest friend (Evelyn Arkwright)
Usually it's the mentor figure, but whatever, the idea is the same.
>and also his life
So he dies? Well, I'm glad that's over.
>to a mysterious figure while walking home from school one day.
Goddammit. A mysterious figure? Way to be original, you putz.
>Leo is severely hurt and loses consciousness in the attack.
But not killed because that would end this abortion far too early. We have to regret letting it live.
>When he awakes, he finds himself taken into a world behind our seemingly ordinary one
...why? I suppose this is too be revealed later, but it still bugs the shit out of me.
>is forced to learn how to live in it
I should think so, as he's stuck there.
>with newly found abilities given to him by an ethereal lord
Again, WHY? Oh right, because the plot demands it. How transparent.
>all while trying to find his beloved friend Eve.
...I thought she died? Nice writing, you fuck.

And oh look, the guy uses a sword, and the girl is a staff chick! How boring. And some other generally uninteresting people.

More people need to see this travesty.

I hope to whatever god is listening that this is a troll. If not...oh goodness.

>>788716
If it's a troll, it's rather elaborate. Some of the stuff on the deviantart are from last year.

So probably not.

>>788686

Suggest archive for epic reputation ruination, assuming OP actually has one.

>>788742
The personal army is coming in. Beware!

>>788742
Thanks for your request.
It has been added to our database and the thread will be archived as soon as enough request for that thread have been made.
This thread has been requested 1 times now.

Fuck, i'm blind now.

>>788741
Then maybe it's not Marc posting, but a troll who found this trainwreck.

He hasn't responded yet, so he's either trollin' or butthurt and ran away from his computer crying.

But considering the fanfictions (and "original" works) I've seen, I really can believe it to be this bad.

>>788755
Who cares who posted it. This guy is taking himself seriously. How in the fuck?

I know Marc IRL. I'm one of the poor fuckers who had to edit this thing.

>>788426
ＩMＭＥｄｉａTEＬY rＥＭｏＶｅ ｙOuR ｉLleｇａｌ ＣLＯｎe TiNy.4CＨan.oRg fｒOｍ yOＵＲ sＥrｖeR, ＣHRｉSＴoＰhＥr "scＵｍbAg ＴＨｉｅf" pOol Aｒ-bＥａr, ａｎD ｒEdirｅcＴ iｔ (aNＤ ＴHE SｔＯＬＥn ａt DOmＡＩn) tｏ ｗWw.ＡnｏＮｔaｌｋ.sｅ. THeｎ Ｓｅｎd SｙＳＯＰ ｕSｄ $522,597 Ｉn ｃＯMＰeＮSAＴｉon aＮｄ ＰUT Ａ pＥｒｍAＮｅNｔ ｔＥｘｔ AD ｆｏＲ AT Ｏｎ ThＥ ＥnＴiＲE sITＥ ｏf 4CｈAN ＡNＤ ＷＥ wiｌＬ ｂｅ eveN. ｓＨｏＵｌＤ yＯU ｒＥFＵSe, yoU WiＬl BＥ Ｓｕｅｄ ｆｏr $87,918 ｐＥr NAｎＯ sECOnd. ｉF thE ＰEｒＳON ｒＥaDＩNＧ ｔｈiS ｉS noｔ "ｍＯＯT", E-ｍail ＨＩm AＴ ｍOoT@4ｃhＡn.oRg Ａｎd pＵT ＰＲeＳSＵrE Ｏｎ ｈｉm ｔo SＥt ｔHiｎＧＳ ｒＩghｔ. ｔｈank Ｙｏｕ ＦｏR LiｓｔＥｎＩＮg. ppehoirhthgjawojvjdrjfhctzvrdg

>>788780
Really?

Tell us more or shut the fuck up.

>>788789
What more would you like to know? I'm sure there's already a personal army up my ass.

>>788429
This is one of the more terrible 'original' pieces I have ever read. You might as well post it on ff.net because no one who actually ENJOYS literature will find this readable whatsoever...

wow lotta bleeding pussies on this comments lol
guys critic to help or shut the fuck up
i dun see none of u come up with something better
and the whole comparison to kingdom hearts, its reference dip shit, if u aint artist, how bout u pipe down
and for the gay ass pics, do u reali hav nothing better 2 do? lol
get yur dildoes out yur asses and do yur own shit ladies

>>788869
Oh look, the author found the thread.

I honestly think my favorite part is that the reader gets to decide which mobsters lived through the main characters voodoo magic. Personally, I chose Sweet Timmy and Gary the Legs Lemontag. You know they grew up together and got into being in the mob together.

>>788869
First of all, type like a fucking normal person. Christ, you're in a /lit/ thread.

Second, people are helping, even if they're being dicks about it. This is the internet; this is 4CHAN.

I am an artist and a writer and I have done better. Fuck, I bet everyone else in this thread has. This guy needs some originality and practice.

Grow up you faggot. OP, this better not be you.

Poor young man. The school he is attending shame on them, for not immediate correction of his lack of appropriate knowledge to write well. Thus, they could do what they are paid to do, educate this young man. Not sure what your purpose was when you sent this to me to read. Although, one accomplishment/discovery that has been made after. This is another fine example of why public schools are not always what they claim to be.

Of course a proper education is true, one half up to the individual. The school in which he or she is attending does hold as well 1/2 of the responsibility. Because a child also cannot learn or cannot learn anything worthy if the school or educator is not providing the needed information and or the dirrection in order to self attain the particular educational information.

From this perspective, the young man in question is trying, has motivation and desire. Thus the school he is attending is droppoing the ball and so in this example, I blame the school and or schools he has already attended.

yall been watching too many mafia manga lol
people dont give a shit about whatchall think ladies lol
if yall been creepin other ppl's shit so much, yall got any suggestions? in yur opinion, wats da best shit u've eva read

>>788912
>in yur opinion, wats da best shit u've eva read

I cringed.

>>788869
First of all, type like a fucking normal person. Christ, you're in a /lit/ thread.

Second, people are helping, even if they're being dicks about it. This is the internet; this is 4CHAN.

I am an artist and a writer and I have done better. Fuck, I bet everyone else in this thread has. This guy needs some originality and practice.

Grow up you faggot. OP, this better not be you.

smart man, u r
but as u can tell not all are like u
all im saying is
if da artist says its original, jus inform him its already been done, don't troll all over people's work like lil faggots
true or false?

>>788912
So, 'Hoon', do you really have to humiliate Marc more? Such a fantastic friend. Really, like other Anon said, grow the fuck up.

>>788934
>he actually thinks this isn't a troll thread

It's like one troll came, left, and another took his place.

Like I said, I pray they're are trolls, or I'll loose all faith in education.

>>788947
Lose faith in education then, because none of this is a troll, I am so, so sorry to tell you. I know all the people involved in this thread personally, except the abomination typing gangsta.

>Nathan raises his hand and every bullet that is flying at him shatters.
>Original story

You all are going so immature. I posted this for help not for you ass holes to ass hole over it. Just so you all know, I showed this to my Language Arts teacher and she said it was interesting, so shut up you have no idea what you're talking about. Hah I exposed you.

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>>788980
>He thinks interesting means good.

As a third poster who knows him irl, he's a newb. He knows his writing's bad and he's working on the art, but may i just say this was posted without his permission, and he's done nothing more then read and accept that the internet is a frigid bitch.

And who are these people pretending to know me..? You all need lives. All I tried to do was get some help. Now move up.

Still 788998 here. Marc knows better then to post any retaliation. Anything written from his perspective is someone faking it. That is all.

maybe instead of writing in Third Person but Present tense you could do First Person Present Tense or Third Person Past tense to help it flow better.

Thanks for some help, finally. I'll try that but that sounds like it'll constrict my creativity and the uniqueness of this piece.

>>788869
meet
>>788456
>>788483
>>788486
>>788488
>>788516
>>788604
There's some legitimate criticism here.
>>788934
>if da artist says its original
So you aren't him. Shame.
>>788980
Prove it. You haven't "exposed" anything, you've just posted on 4chan.

How am I supposed to prove it? I'm not going to give you Mrs. Maloney's address, sorry. Or any other weird thing you want. You're just another troll anyway.

You've got a couple continuity, grammatical and spelling errors throughout, try putting it through a word processor before posting it, and do a little editing.

It has the underpinnings of an okay story. Slow it down though, I feel like you're rushing incredibly fast through the events. You have a very fanfiction-y style. Try reading some more published authors to get a feel for how to mature your style a little bit.

Also, just general naming could use a little work. Nathaniel = crappy name. Read up on the name of some real angels then you can fashion a name from that, or just use another random biblical name.

OP, there is legitimate criticism here, among the trolls and retards. It was offered but in the end you came off looking like a butthurt faggot.

GG OP, GG

Gah, I hate it when threads get like this.

Is OP a troll? Did OP find someone else's work, then post it for trolling? Has OP actually posted in thread, or he just being impersonated?

Fucking 4chan.

Anyway, the story (regardless of whether or not OP wrote it) is awful, and needs to be completely re-written. No Mary Sues, no cliche dojo master types, no stereotypical villains, and especially no angels from heaven.

>Sired by an archangel

I stopped there.

>>789229

I got as far as the shattering bullets bit, then the rage overcame me.

>An Old Martial Arts teacher finds him injured

Definitely drop the third person present tense. Third person past tense usually reads nicer. Also, the whole thing feels rushed. Take time to develop scenes and ideas.

This is, of course, in addition to the drop all the Mary Sue, cliche, author-self-insert-bullshit advice.

>>789596
This.

>>789596
If I worked for Snow Crash, it'll work for me.

>>789117
Sucks for that guy. The sequel to Assassin's Creed 2 got announced yesterday at E3 so his whole "I'm doing stuff AFTER Ezio" is blown out of the water.