/lit/ - Literature

I posted my opening line. It had two full stops: this was the maximum.

I never lived in the present.

>>6797924
That's a very cute qtp2t

>Post your opening line.
I usually either comment on her style or ask a question regarding something in the surroundings.

"Fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me." she moaned.

>>6797953
>me_reading_categories_for(..)
the working mathematician?

The Northen Bank, on Saint-Peter Street: where wealthy and less wealthy people from the city come to manage their money. Some switch to this bank because of the better interest rate they get, others because it's closer to their home.

>>6797924
>Post your opening line
Hey, I noticed you from across the bar... I'll have you know that I am well versed in modernist literature and have done over 7 rereads of Ulysses.

I fucked her once. Fucked her twice.

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

>>6797944
Dull, dour, easy
>>6797953
Good, why regarding and not about?
>tfw not a qt but nothing corresponding for hot girls
>>6797954
If missing capitalization, good. If missing a comma, bad, don't modify "said"
>>6797971
"Place: where x happens" is clichéd. The last line is quite good on its own, and dragged down by the middle line: the dual parallel of "wealthy and less wealthy" / "some ..., others ..." makes the two too close mirrors, diminishes too quickly the possibilities of the latter to the example of the former. "they get" is a clumsy end to that sentence, and may be redundant, or can be written out at least.
>>6798004
This could only be justified if the content was so extraordinary as to support an ordinary phrase. Is the notion that somebody had sex extraordinary to you?

>>6797924
We've both been rejected by the world. We both feel the same threat. And yet...here we are, fated to kill each other in the end.

It had been a rough fucking.

When I attended Catholic school, students would pass the time in Religion class by debating God’s punishment for women who aborted their fetuses.

edgy? this is from a while ago. I space out my ideas better now, just wondering what else could be derived from this sentence

Lee was a special guy, he owned every fucking asian restaraunt in the city, be it chinese,thai or vietnamesevietnamese, that's they all tasted the same. He was rich as fuck, best part he wasn't even asian, just a fat turk with small eyes.

Stately plump Buck Mulligan

>>6798004
Does the third line reveal that you ate her pussy like shrimp fried rice?

>>6798067
8 / 10

>>6798067
Audibly laughed

>>6798067
°Lee was a special man. He was the consummate Turk: possessing a paunch midsection, small eyes, and an eight-figure account in the Cayman Islands. But these were not his most exquisite qualities. In fact, he was the sole proprieter of every single Asian restaurant in /city name/, be they chinese, thai, or vietnamese. Why?

This is death - or something to that extent. My parting thoughts reside in an alcohol stained wifebeater, next to a poster of Guy Fieri giving a thumbs up. His smile is mocking, and the look in his eyes reek of delirium.

>>6798033
>and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.
mmmm
>>6798050
Flashbirdcore
>>6798063
Same guy as before?
>>6798066
Yeah, edgy. You're going to have to specify which kids, what type of people they are, because this reads like either very self-aware behavior that might be suitable for a particular type of person, or juvenile didacticism if presented as the natural mode for everyone who might fall under the umbrella "students".
>>6798067
That's pretty great. ,thai would be the only fix
>>6798106
Your thoughts reside in a shirt?

"not this time" said the spider, and dropped into his mouth.

Detective Johnny Katana wasn't your ordinary cop. He played by his own rules.

>>6798104
Thanks mate, english isn't my naitive language and I'm on mobile (thats why my sentences were messed up). But still wanted to share the idea that I had today.

Sounds better now.

>>6798119
>your thoughts reside in a shirt?

yes

In the end Satan destroyed the heavens and the earth. Now the void was formless and empty, darkness was over all, and His left hand extended forth.

>>6798121
>>6798122
>>6798128
k
>>6798123
No, don't listen to that guy, your line was great. Just fix that one lack of comma, ", thai". Everything else was fine, including the lack of capitalization on the nationalities.

Pour les yeux fatigués de Jacques, le paysage défilait comme une vision floue. La valée de Sèvres n'était qu'une simple apparition tant le train filait vers Paris à vive-allure. Le choc le surprit à peine.

>>6798078
Forgot pic

It was the darkest day of my life, enough was enough, today is the day I kill myself. As I put the noose around my neck, I thought about my pitful life, and realized I had to answer aquestion I always asked myself, before I end it, I had to know hoe my own shit tastes like...and I did and so began my new life.

Flüt sip Rydi. Sip brun flütte, florderat sip corun. Erasdti unge sip wern, sip ricker, Rydi z'dar. Zat rastt.

You are an angel left to walk the earth, with only her burning need for justice to keep her warm. A fairy tale with a bright beginning and a fiery end, I think.

The sun was the color of a dead Pikachu.

>>6798151
>her burning need for justice to keep her warm
>dem tired cliches

>>6798134
Why not capitalize the nationalities? Because they are adjectives describing thre kind of food?

Lee was a special guy, he owned every fucking asian restaraunt in the city, be it chinese, thai or vietnamese, that's why they all tasted the same. He was rich as fuck, best part he wasn't even asian, just a fat turk with small eyes.

Is it fixed now?

My Mao Zedong body pillow seemed to have caused a scene.

Lars finished his cigarette on the stairwell. The rain of the city had stained the concrete, and rusted the bare iron of the rails.

>>6798134
I had been wondering if you were trolling, but between this post and you're response to the opening lines of the Bible now I realize you certainly are.

4/10 you had me going for a minute.

>>6798172
>you're
Fuck me sideways

>>6797965
Yes.
You can also always just hover above the file name to see it in full.

>>6798171
Using "the" way too many times

>>6797965
Yes.
You can also always just hover above the file name to see it in full.

>>6798041
>Good, why regarding and not about?
>>tfw not a qt but nothing corresponding for hot girls

I don't understand either of those lines.

Debris strewn upon the shore. As a lifeless body whisked itself downstream, disappearing into the bursting rapids.

Once upon a time there was a middle aged guy who pushed shopping carts for a living. His life was slow, like the carts he pushed.

I feel like the world has forgotten me. If onky i could return the favor.

John Wiseman would usually wake before dawn each day. As he gained consciousness he would sit on the edge of his bed, legs hanging over the side, allowing the cool morning air to circulate his dangling feet a moment before sliding into the gown he left folded beside the bed.

>>6798123
honestly your original line was 20 times funnier

>>6798227
This

he basically entirely changed the way your whole story is supposed to be written if you want to be consistent

>>6798223
>The main character woke up and--

No. Stop this.

Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was a moocow coming down along the road and this moocow that was coming down along the road met a nicens little boy named baby tuckoo...

>>6798136
To Jacques' tired eyes, the landscape passed through his vision in a blur. The valley of Sevres was not only a simple ghost ... for the train to leave on the way to Paris' lively... on the way to lively Paris? It shocked... it was shockingly, surprisingly sad? If it's anything like that, I like it.
>>6798148
>>6798156
>>6798151
>>6798167
Whoa it's like a runner with this guy
>>6798165
I just liked it uncapitalized, and it fits since the description commodifies nationality, blurs it and in the end makes it both inaccurate and irrelevant. But it would be correct to capitalize them. And yeah, looks great.
>>6798171
Uneventful. Weather opening. The writer is visible - "The rain of the city" reads like what it is, establishing location, and justifies itself little outside of that function. (The rain of the city stained the concrete, but so would any rain, right? If the rain of the jungle came over for a visit, would it bounce off the pavement? Does the rain belong to the city because it fell there?)
>>6798172
My response was mmm, as in I really like that line. I'm not interested in trolling
>>6798183
>Good, why regarding and not about?
As in, regarding stands out in the otherwise informal phrasing. Only slightly, but enough that I wondered if it was a conscious choice. The gt thing is irrelevant, I just meant that the girl in the pic is hot and there isn't any abbreviation for "hottie" quite as efficient as qt.
>>6798184
"As the apple rolled downhill, it disappeared." "As the apple rolled downhill, disappearing." Ungrammatical. Although if you take out the first full stop it works. Either that or you're Joycing, in which case, go to bed Eimear
>>6798205
"Once upon a time"
>>6798248
I SAID GO TO BED
>>6798207
I like this, but I don't know if that's because of the incredible cuteness of "onky"
>>6798223
see >>6798240. Also "As he gained consciousness" is a pretty extreme version of "going from very sleep to less sleepy"

>>6798235
>>6798240
Allright I will note this, thanks guys.
Just wasn't sure because my english is rather mediocre.

>>6798254
You gotta have an idea of how you want it to be

You made a funny opener intentional or not, keep it going with plain and rude prose like that and youll do great, the guy who 'helped' you thinks everything should be sophisticated with a wide vocabulary

>>6798254
the waking up thing is just a cliche that is so overdone that its become toxic. It could still work but a rewording would be nice

>>6798252
I don't understand the last point.

>>6798267
sorry I meant to quote: >>6798235
I didn't write the woke up thing.

Aujourd'hui, maman est morte. Ou peut-être hier, je ne sais pas.

>>6798272
fuck I mean the other dude, im sorry, for spamming. >>6798227

this is who i wanted to quote,too

>>6798267
I'll take the point on board. The reason I've started with the waking up is because the first section of the book is set to explain the characters almost regimented schedule and it begins with his mornings as I go through his typical day. The novel would be largely about his downfall and his loss of control as a usually very regimented and scheduled character.

My unsight mayn't've 20/20 vision but peering into myself I see the whole universe splasterred and spatchcocked with all it's wonderz ejaculated onto the walls of my souls. All in accordance with the wisdom of Mazter Brock Nips.

When Gregory Dumpling woke from wet dreams, he found his anime-waifu pillow into a real-life anime girl transformed

>>6798276
Today mom is dead. Maybe yesterday, I don't know. If that's right, I like it.
>>6798285
>>6798286
What's going on, buddy? Are you okay?

>>6798252
>I like this, but I don't know if that's because of the incredible cuteness of "onky"
>when someone compliments me that may or may not be due to a unintended misspelling

Feels bad man

>>6798252
>go to bed Eimear

>>6798298
Check the opening line of l'Etranger by Camus.

>opening line
>implying

The giant gates closed behind him

>>6798286
I wrote a short film about this

>>6798314
Is it worth reading?

>>6798325
I post some variation of that line in every "first novel line" thread as a joke. You actually wrote a film about it?

>>6798041
Ah, my thinking must have been as follows:
Let's say she drinks a cup of coffee. I might go with this and ask where to get better coffee than here. I'm not talking about her cup in particular (like "what sort of coffee are you drinking"), I rather just
>ask a question regarding something in the surroundings.
I think that's looser.

>>6798327
is short enough that you can't go wrong. Its more philosophy based then plot based

>>6798349
Yeah, I've never really seen Camus as much of a philosopher

>>6798300
Sorry, shouldn't have been glib. I did like it, but with a slight ambivalence. I think it might be the pithiness of the line, particularly in the first person. When I see something like that there is a part of me that reacts almost suspiciously, like if the observation/information of the line doesn't absolutely blow me away I severely underestimate its originality. One way that I test this is to rewrite the line in the third person, as I find it blunts the wordplay and places the focus on the character's emotion. It is a nice bit of rhetoric, it could be a fine opening.
>>6798314
Is that where it's from? Haven't read it yet. Actually no, ironically I read an excerpt in high school French, but I didn't understand it.
>>6798324
Works
>>6798335
That makes sense. Alright.

I hope none of you believe this is a good thread.

>>6798362
If you're that guy, relax, I have an unread copy of Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man in my closet

I wrote this three years ago as the opening line to my novel. Haven't changed it since. Looking at it in comparison to what I've put out for this novel in more recent months, I'm feeling like the whole first fifty pages will probably need some style redirection. Anyways, whaddya think, OP?

>Zdorovy "Che" Chevenchko sat motionless, eyes closed, allowing his attention to be wrapped up in the humming of helicopter blades that resonated throughout the steel cabin. The heavy rhythm was calming and kept his mind unabated.

>>6797924
That was me. I fucked your mom.

>>6797936
Underrated post.

>>6798252
>I'm not interested in trolling

Damn, really? Well then while I'm sure your attempts at offering insightful critiques are appreciated, your suggestions are mostly pretty awful. I would offer my own, but it takes too long to type shit out on my phone, and my shift is about to start.

>>6797924
They say that you never hear the bullet that hits you. They lied.

I shouted at the abyss; it shouted back.

Your balls are slapping Rainbow Dash's tight blue marepussy. As you hump her with firm strokes and heightening intensity, you feel a gush of warm fluid.

>>6798399
Have a nice shift

I lay down, drunk and defeated. I hated myself.

>>6798384
the best so far. not overladen or unbalanced like all the other openings. very spare and economic.

i mean no, you should write prose that would sink to the bottom of a lake. openings should possess dignitas and gravitas haha. if it doesnt read like a literary version of a poorly taxidermied elephant then it's NOT a good opening

>>6797924
The river once cut through a rough landscape, passing spiked bushes and trees that started to let go of their leaves in august in fear of an early winter, but now there was green grass, towels, children and stairs made of cracked-up concrete leading down to a tamed stream, flowing lazily, carrying little drifts of dead water plants.

A rag wets the devil.

An arse comes farting across the sky. It has happened before past bend of bay and twist of shore.

>>6798408
Best one yet.

>>6798380
It's fine. Use of present participle (-ing) seems unnecessary.
>>6798384
Sure. Third line?
>>6798403
Alright
>>6798400
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sometimes_You_Hear_the_Bullet great title for an episode of MASH, mournful, fearful, sweet even. and it presumes familiarity, which when it comes to common sayings beats presenting and then turning it over, since you'll at least have to use the full platitude once, and then the presentation itself ("They say") might be its own platitude
>>6798408
>>6798473
>>6798486
Go to your shift. Oh, and,
>>6798428
I have to assume this is coming from a place of hurt

>>6798486
top kek

>>6798440
I would read this book.

>>6798502
it came from a place of having to read an entire thread of bullshit

>>6798286
this is actually so fucking funny

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sometimes_You_Hear_the_Bullet great title for an episode of MASH, mournful, fearful, sweet even. and it presumes familiarity, which when it comes to common sayings beats presenting and then turning it over, since you'll at least have to use the full platitude once, and then the presentation itself ("They say") might be its own platitude

"Did you fart, because you just blew me away"

"If I could just take your smile and keep it in my pocket, I'd be Natasha Bedingfield, because I'd have a pocket full of sunshine"

>>6797924
hey. what's up?

Listen man, I'm already going blind, I'm bald, I'm afraid to go outside. Just let me have this thread.

With eyes piercing the pitch-black metropolis, his trenchcoat errupted into the sound of a thousand flocking seagulls as his arms gestured upward in tandem with the electrical grid shocking a quavering ripple of lights across the cityscape. But it was only a moment before lava came and consumed everything; the world was now made out of lava.

>>6798223
>>6798223
>allowing the cool morning air to circulate his dangling feet a moment before sliding into the gown he left folded beside the bed.

>dangling feet
>feet

>sliding into the gown
>gown

Dick Hard woke up next to a drunk piece of Italian style meat. He placed her on the edge and put her feet right to her head like a Pretzel. He waited a second watching her drooling mouth sprinkled with her own vomit for a moment, allowing the morning air to cool his dangling balls before his pulsing sausage slit into her warm pussy over and over again ...

>>6798572
not a bad opening. maybe a decent one.

>all these spergs posting intros of their shitty books
>dont realize theyre supposed to post their pickup lines because they never go outside and engage in life
you fucks are sad

>>6798359
>Sorry, shouldn't have been glib. I did like it, but with a slight ambivalence. I think it might be the pithiness of the line, particularly in the first person. When I see something like that there is a part of me that reacts almost suspiciously, like if the observation/information of the line doesn't absolutely blow me away I severely underestimate its originality. One way that I test this is to rewrite the line in the third person, as I find it blunts the wordplay and places the focus on the character's emotion. It is a nice bit of rhetoric, it could be a fine opening.

Damn anon, you clearly put more thought into it than me. Thanks for the advise. Tbh the two sentences portrays something I feel regularly and is a big part of a story i have in my mind.

I awoke with a start from a restless and vaguely erotic dream, my heart beating in an uncomfortable 7/8 time. Disoriented, I rolled over towards my bedstand, but as I did so, I felt a tremendous pain in my calf, the muscle spasming and screaming into a lock-tight knot.

>>6798591
>posting anything other than the intro to your shitty book when asked about opening line in the literature board
I wish the plens went away already

I didn't get the experiences TV promised and now I'm settling into the trite strains of decay, like you'll grow apart and they'll love you less and you'll get stuck in the same place. This thread at least.

>>6798605
I'm the one who posted this, but reading it again, I could probably remove half the words and say the same damn thing.
>cut "with a start"
>cut "an uncomfortable"
>cut "Disoriented"
>either cut "over" or replace "towards" with "to"
>cut "spasming"

>>6798252
>>6798136
To Jacques' tired eyes, the landscape was drifting by like a blurry vision. The valley of Sèvres was but a mere apparition while the train sped towards Paris at a tearing pace. The shock barely surprised him.

>>6798628
Or should it be "toward"? Not sure what difference that makes

I was returning home on the usual path, accompanied by the drum of household generators and apartments gathered shoulder to shoulder, when the sound of something terrifyingly unusual sent a shiver through my bones. "Meow."

Dull blueish-green lights that reminded him of neon vomit surrounded the perimeter of his apartment ceiling. Illuminating the small living space of his studio apartment with harsh light and over-saturated tones, the long bulbs always gave him the sneaking suspicion that perhaps his landlord had mistakenly rented him out a place that was actually sanctioned for an asylum patient rather than a tenant who consistently complied with his rental agreement.

>>6798123
Yours was better. It just needed a bit of fixing.

I once errantly wrote about a waif.

>>6798638
I don't know if there's a grammar rule about it, but I always use "towards" before plosives, and "toward" before fricatives. Before vowels, I alternate depending how much I want to emphasize the object, with "toward" providing a bit more "oompf' for the following words.

Compare and contrast
>He walked towards a new dawn
>He walked toward a new dawn

The latter sounds a little more dramatic, because the plosive forces a very slight pause leading into "a new dawn", giving it more emphasis. In that particular example, there's also a bit of consonance with "toward" and "dawn", which would be lost with "towards".

I slammed the door quickly and, out of muscle memory, smoothly locked both the door and deadbolt in one swift motion. Out of breath, I peered through the peephole to see how close they'd come to catching me this time. I run from them just about every night now it seems... As soon as I slam the dumpster lid, it's like an instinctive all-out race for my life kicks in to get away from the monsters in the dark who are always perceivably just a split second from catching me from behind. I know they're really not there; that they are just in my crazy imagination, but I run from them anyway and always take the same gander through the peephole as if one time I might actually see something standing there, panting and frustrated, just outside my back door.

~broke the two full stops maximum rule... Sue me.

"'Twas nothing. The shots you heard didn't come from a fight of man against man, God help us."

>>6798738
1/10
>twas

op is trying to sleep. restlessly he lies on his soaked pillows, trying to forget all the horrible things he had to rate today.

>>6798738
i dont get it...
twas (>>6798739) nothing....God help us.
so was it nothing or something to fear?

>>6798701
You don't need to explain it so much, the slamming muscle memory and out of breath show that they are running from something and that they do it often without you explicitly saying it.

>>6798682
Not a native speaker so I can't really "hear" the impact the way you do. Thanks for the insight though.

>>6798745
>>6798739
This is translated from Portuguese, I'm trying to emulate a Brazilian backlander's speech. See if this is better:
"It wasn't nothing. The shots you heard didn't come from a fight of man against man."
That "God help us" was the best I could use to imitate "Deus esteja".
>so was it nothing or something to fear?
It would be something to fear if it had been a "fight of man against man". I understand it sounded a bit weird.

Caught my attitude in the mirror, rough unblinking schizo gaze from the seventh circle: haha, "Danteism," as I shave away piece-by-piece of skin. I stop acting and think about my waifu, "What's ol ginny up to," quick now--into the garage, get her out, play a bit, go back to shaving, looking trim clean proper--got it--got the look achieved--ready to get to work.

>>6798077
underrated
>>6798067
pty fine
>>6798276
doesnt fit
>>6798408
probably best one

>>6798701
In one smooth motion I slammed shut the door turned the lock and threw the deadbolt.

In the first sentence I disliked your adverb, "quickly" (can one slowly slam a door?), ponderous pacing (especially with the action sequence) and repetition of 'door'.

>>6798766
ah!
the first translation read like.
>nothing to worry about.
>OMFG HELP US!!!!
much clearer now, ty anon
fight of man against man was fine with me :)

>>6797924

"I'm a sweater, a fat, anxious, twitchy sweater".

Immediately after writing this Ed prayed to God his psychiatrist wouldn't misinterpret his journal entry as a garment role-play fetish but as a genuine admittance of the physical manifestations of his frustrations.

>>6798823
This is the kinda offbeat stuff I can get behind.

>>6798823
Written like a kitschy hallmark card from the humour section

i hate niggers, i hate jews. i hate spics and arabs too.

>>6798823
eh, I like it.

>>6798838

Fuck, immediately after reading that I can't unsee it. I am ashamed.

I dunno, I feel like as a standalone its a little on the far side-ish but if I expanded it any it could be a good opener.

>>6798870
opener seems derivative of VALIS' opening. maybe just cos I read it a few days ago, but you don't hold up well against PKD anon.

>>6798870
It's fine, it's your opening line. I know there's a lot of pressure to write something equivalent to, 'Maman died today' or, 'In my younger and more vulnerable years,' but not every piece of literature has to be an absolute masterpiece that will be remembered in the pantheon of great writings for all eternity.

>>6798738
i will throw away any book that begins with "'twas"

>>6798904
Twas the best of times, twas the worst of times.

They flayed him from the inside out.

"Some Englishmen, of whom Kitchner was chief, believed that a rebellion of Arabs against Turks would enable England, while fighting Germany, simultaneously to defeat her ally Turkey.

I could feel his cock against my tonsils.

The Commandant drew up before me. “Still no word, Lucifer. The audio-grafts are yet silent.”

Soft red lights could be seen blinking in the distance through the fog. John scurried towards them, kicking through the snow against the shrieking wind and frost.

After all she had no idea who had given birth to him, nor had she understood the consequence.

>>6797924
He slung over his shoulder a bag of dildos. Well, not full of them, exactly, though it was a full bag it was probably only fifty percent dildo by volume.

Feel Death or something. Maybe just feel asleep, no longer quite fully asleep: not deathly asleep, inky old age weakening the bones of the soul, but deathly awake now, young and pained at the joys of life - full force upon thee before the circumnavigation of a full circadian beat; beat of your lion-hearted breast.

Pretty new to writing. Go ahead and be harsh. if it seems like the punctuation is weird or there are too many clauses crammed in, that's because this isn't how I originally wrote it. Edited it a bit for the two stops max rule.

It was all a dream.
I used to read word-up magazine.

Mr. Matthew Thomas was, quite simply, an expert in his field: seducing, robbing, and sometimes killing women. He wasn't afraid of it, rather he felt that it was his trade, his craft.

The man in the red car yelled "Suck a bag of dicks!" as he blew past. I was incensed, and he had left more than a few questions unanswered.

>>6799125
Very Louis CK-esque, not bad.

>>6798898

Sorry to hear that :/

I'm not familiar with VALIS?

>>6799331
hm, looking again it's prolly just that it was on my mind.
here's the beginning anyway:

Horselover Fat's nervous breakdown began the day he got the phonecall from Gloria asking if he had any Nembutals. He asked her why she wanted them and she said that she intended to kill herself. She was calling everyone she knew. By now she had fifty of them, but she needed thirty or forty more, to be on the safe side.
At once Horselover Fat leaped to the conclusion that this was her way of asking for help. It had been Fat's delusion for years that he could help people. His psychiatrist once told him that to get well he would have to do two things: get off dope (which he hadn't done) and to stop trying to help people (he still tried to help people).
As a matter of fact, he had no Nembutals. He had no sleeping pills of any sort. He never did sleeping pills. He did uppers. So giving Gloria sleeping pills by which she could kill herself was beyond his power. Anyhow, he wouldn't have done it if he could.
"I have ten," he said. Because if he told her the truth she would hang up.
"Then I'll drive up to your place," Gloria said in a rational, calm voice, the same tone in which she had asked for the pills.
He realized then that she was not asking for help. She was trying to die. She was completely crazy. If she were sane she would realize that it was necessary to veil her purpose, because this way she made him guilty of complicity. For him to
agree, he would need to want her dead. No motive existed for him-or anyone-to want that. Gloria was gentle and civilized, but she dropped a lot of acid. It was obvious that the acid, since he had last heard from her six months ago, had wrecked her mind.

Thuy Johnston (a name that (like Phuc Stevenson (named (by me, not his parents (government attorneys (I know what you(Katrina?)’re thinking, how did lawyers raise a postman and under what kind of class system does this novel operate?))) after the 2011 NBA champion Deshawn Stevenson)) implies (to assumption-prone readers) that Mrs. Johnston was pro-trad enough to take her husband’s (we’re being implicitly socially conservative (by not acknowledging the likelihood that she’s gay (or adopted or a pop star with a stage name)) for the sake of space (yes le parentheses man is economical as fuck with space)) last name but still asserted enough cultural dominance to give her child a decidedly ethnic (to Americans (UT didn’t stand for U of Tel Aviv or what have you)) first name. Marv “Yellow Fever” Johnston’s dainty Asian bride has the cultural steering wheel (or maybe they’re sticks for her (that’s too absurd to be earnestly racist (also I’m Asian (half (I mean Obama can make black jokes (is that the same thing? Yellow peril and Jim Crow Seattle but look at China’s GDP compared to every country in West Africa (which is to say we’re not in the same boat (which is to say I’m sorry for all the ching-chong jokes (but I still get the appropriation pass to name my characters Phuc and Thuy and Trang (oh shit you haven’t met her yet (“Trang West is an 11 year-old Nepali yak-milking enthusiast at George W. Bush (Honor the Texas flag (“just like you like it”)) Middle School …”)))))))))))) is a grad student at UT. She’s with Wynn despite a 7-year age gap and the murky (is it murky if she’s a woman? (yes)) ethics of a TA fucking a freshman undergrad.

Technically 3 but one of them is in a parenthetical.

>>6799424
'Phuc' your shitty pasta.

> Come midmorning the Beach was cool and quiet, the sun shining but the streets mostly empty, everyone still lazing in their beds, lulled by the quiet rhythmn of the waves and the general stupor of a Sunday morning

I'd much appreciate any input about the wording

>>6799049
would read/10

>>6799049

it seems obvious that the first line should read "he slung over his shoulder a bag FULL of dildos"

>>6798119
>thoughts reside in a shirt
he means a suicide note, i believe

>>6798321
interesting.
what if someone wrote a novel that was like a mobius strip (not sure if this is an appropriate metaphor) in that if you started at any word or sentence and read all the way to end, started back at the beginning and read to where you had begun the whole charade, it still functioned as a coherent story.
hem hem hem

Pound my snail tunnel daddy , I need the maximum cloaca extravaganza.

>>6798663
could be much tighter -- also
>sneaking suspicion

>>6797924

My name is Ishmael. And this is Moby Dick.

>>6800904
Kek

This is the start. This is the end.

They told me to believe in myself; they told me to believe in God. I put two and two together.

>>6800882
Didn't Finnegans wake do this?

>>6800920
it did something similar in that that the start and end sentences wound up back into each other, like the end of some music pieces, eg: one beat measure to start, two beat measure, in three four time, etc, etc, but I don't think it had the property of one being able to start absolutely anywhere (and it'd still make sense), just that it was cyclical.

Eliot was awake when she should've been asleep.

Vernon's top button wouldn't stay closed

The air was cold and dry. A soft breeze gently caressed the tall grass that surrounded the plane as the men stood guard, tightly gripping their weapons. They had been standing for hours, scanning the horizon for any sign of life, anything that stood out in this deserted valley of Central Asia. Their contact -- a Serbian mercenary -- had chosen this remote location. "It provides the privacy needed when you do business like we do business." he told the men "The locals never venture that far.". Special agent Bill Wilson -- the head of this expedition -- could see why: sharp cliffs, treacherous pits and no sign of human infrastructure. It almost seemed like a miracle when the blue jeep finally appeared in the distance, two hours too late. "Well, Serbians aren't exactly known for their punctuality." he said to his men, more to break the silence than anything.

As the Jeep drew close, Wilson quickly glanced at his men. "Stay Frosty", he warned. Over the past months, he had been slowly building the trust of this hired gun called Barsad. He had invested quite a sum in gifts and bribes to win his faith. But mercenaries only have one God: the almighty dollar, and his little pet project could turn his coat at any moment.

Wilson was unpleasantly surprised to see six men emerge from the vehicle, followed by confusion as he noticed the three masked figures, visibly hand-cuffed and held at gun-point by what appeared to be an underling of his Serbian contact.

A familiar face stood in front of the group. "Dr. Pavel", Wilson barked as he recognized the old man "I'm CIA". The agent had carefully studied the files concerning this nuclear physicist. After the end of the Cold War, this prestigious professor had fallen out of grace, getting himself involved in business with the most shadowy figures of the underworld. The men shook hands.

"He wasn't alone." Barsad indicated, pointing to the hooded men.

Agent Wilson didn't understand: "Uhh... you don't get to bring friends.".

Dr. Pavel snapped back: "They are not my friends.".

"Don't worry, no charge for them.", said the Serb with a smirk.

Suspicion arose in the mind of the special agent. This wasn't part of the plan, this was unexpected. And Bill Wilson is not the kind of man who likes surprises. "And why would I want them", he replied, incredulously.

"They were trying to grab your prize. They work for the mercenary. The masked man... "

Wilson's heart skipped a beat. "BANE?"

>>6800975
I will never understand this meme

>>6797936
/thread

"Dahy dun burned dem buildings down, dahy dun hung em, dem niggers, after the confederate flag came down"

It's a corncobby tale

about inbred hillbillys on da welfare

>>6797924

Ann heard screaming from a distance, which meant that it was about to begin soon. As she was going over her notes, she was thinking of ways that she could become a more effective interrogator.

-----


Anaclisis, by Eliot Rosenstock

Treading Concrete writer/artist
4Chan browser
total unknown

>>6800977
it was a rather awkward scene. the dialogue was kind of odd

>>6800969
th- thoughts?

>>6801008
leave out "soon", pleb

>>6801008
ye I agree with the other guy; leave out "soon"

>>6797924
It was 7.00pm. Again.

There was a storm today. It left swirling in its orange wake one of those summer evenings where the world just melts around you.

>>6801008
I also agree, leave out soon

I saw the stars, once.

Intimate displays of pornography. Comforting ejaculations of shame.

>>6798285
I like this

No one tells you the thing you love most is going to be what kills you.

He was just in time for the first dance act; he ordered his beer and fish and leaned back to watch the dancers wine and jack their waist seductively to the beat.

There ARE consequences for violating the sanctity of a young, dead boys asshole. Some of which can be quite severe

>>6801738
cliched and corny af

>>6801746
5/10 I'd keep reading to the second sentence at least.

>>6801772
top edge, combined with reddit's corny aw shucks sense of humor.

Manon était une jeune fille bien sous tous rapports.

>>6801785
>Manon was a fine young girl by all accounts.

isn't this from a play or something?

Ik ben niet een vrouw.

here's three

1.) Ever since she was a little girl, Kat wanted nothing more than to fall in love, get married, and have an affair.

2.) Even though Mark hadn't believed in religion for many years, God still seemed to find ways to cause problems for him.

3.) Twenty-four years old and Joshua was still using Sports Illustrateds to sneak his Playboys past his mother.

Pride and joy was all he had left, until it came.

>>6801817
1) Edgy but would work with midclass housewives.
2)BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
3)Unless this is set in 80s/90s, no one has that problem anymore

Oliver Mansfield was born in 1989 in Madison, Wisconsin to James Mansfield, a professor of history at the University of Wisconsin, and Liv Madsen, a self-employed family counselor. Though the two never married -- Liv had her doubts about what she called the antiquated institution, believing the beginning of marriage marked the end of romance -- they remained a dedicated couple till death did they part.

riverrun,

>>6798104
your stupid

You don't impregnate 6 women at the same time, Marc told me, this is just sick he exclaimed. But I already did, I finally achieved my goal, one child for every ethinity, African, Asian, Arab, Caucasian, Hispanic and Indian, now all I had to do was to wait for my children to hatch.

>>6801941
AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Mother Mary was in bloom that year, her thighs splayed bright and widely, singing crooners from the rafters, swiftly, baritone, then ogling out her narrows for the landlord's dozen meters odd beneath her. Six-step, to-to fro, he had her in his eyelids, lips straight, wide and brightly, calling out her lilloes.

You ever feel like people just don't get you? Like, they hear what you're saying and understand the words, but they just hear what they want to hear, and what they hear is never your soul, only their own egos.

>>6801966
You're too young to write, read more.

>>6800738
The wording is awkward in places, especially "the sun shining", but the sort of image you are going for is a very evocative one and I like it

>>6800969
the top button of his shirt?

>>6801985
Yes, maybe. Also, I am Chinese.

>>6801944
I'd be lying if I said this didn't give me a boner

>>6801995
Sun Tzu? Is that you?

The look on her face could only be read as, "This is seriously what you expect to stick inside me?" Woe is me, bearer of the micropenis.

>>6797924
His head hurt. Who knows why. There was a dresser over there he had a few things to say about, which were crap and shit.

>>6802001
I appreciate it ;-)

Shit flakes had detached themselves from the hairs on my taint, the density not unlike a Japanese womans pubic hair, and were now floating all around me.
I felt no disgust.

>>6797924
Joe desperately waited for something to happen.

It was a kind of dark, and also sort of stormy, night; you could say the rain fell almost in torrents — well, of course, except at occasional intervals, say, once every minute, when it was checked, so to speak, by a fairly violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (as a matter of fact, this story is set in London, I think — let's stick with that for now, perhaps I will change my mind later), making a rattling noise (clinking, clanking, clattering) along the housetops, and fiercely — if you grant me that a gust of wind can display that kind of temperament — agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that seemed to struggle (of course they cannot literally struggle) against the near-darkness.

Phil tip-toed through life as though he were more exposed than everyone else; as though he were an invasive species in an alien ecosystem; as though even the slightest misstep -- a stride a centimeter too long, a step too stiff -- would result in his untimely death. At every moment there was friction between Phil and his environment, and at every moment Phil's face was pale and his brows were knitted.

I was always attracted by stories like Leon the Proffesional or Lolita to give an example. Because I looked fairly young for my 21year I was able to participate in the yearly middle school party that happened before the summer break, there I could catch up with my missed teenage love-life, and this year I met Aasha, a beautiful upper-class girl of indian heritage, with lovely thick thighs, but a thinly shaped body...but her pregnancy changed everything for me, and for her.

>>6801993
You got it buddy

After breakfast Tom found the note, but as he was just on time to leave he took it to the kitchen table on his way out the door. Another day wouldn't change much.

>>6802044
not OP but holy shit that was intriguing.

>>6802060
*he took it, unread, to the kitchen table

>>6802068
http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/

Seduto in disparte, perso nella pallida folgore del ricordo, mi è sovvenuto spesso, con una sorpresa continuamente rinnovata, il disprezzo che per tutta la vita ho nutrito nei confronti del risveglio; a volte – ripresa coscienza troppo presto – tentavo l'impossibile: spremevo il viso contro il guanciale, cancellavo dalla mente ogni pensiero, e volevo così perdermi ancora nella notte; tutto in vano: Morfeo, beffardamente fuggiasco, si portava con sé quelle dozzine di minuti ancora concessemi, e all'arrivo dell'inevitabile, la giornata mi trovava svogliato, incapace di concentrazione, scontroso. Capitava a volte, distendendomi tardi, nelle lunghe sere estive – tormentato dalle zanzare, dal pensiero costante che pur non fisicamente presenti fossero comunque lì, che non dormissi affatto. Il giorno dopo, allora, non era che una parentesi sgradita; la mattina volava in sbadigli vistosi, prestando poca attenzione al mondo, e il pomeriggio era diviso, suo malgrado, in ultima veglia e riposo salvifico. Venivano quelle notti, nella mia infanzia, che parevano non essersi consumate; e fra il momento di coricarsi e quello di riprendere la moltitudine inutile di piccolezze della gioventù, non parevano frapporsi ore, ma secondi. E così, appena presa coscienza di stare sognando, trovandomi in una macchia amorfa di colori e sensazioni, già il mattino chiamava a raccolta le sue truppe, e con loro me.

I'm doing an homage/parody of proust, so if it rings a bell that's why

>>6799009
I like it but I feel like John is a really boring main character name. Like I get its common so it makes sense to use, but its just so common.

>>6798067
As an exercise I wrote a short story based upon this line. It went back into Lee's childhood where he a raped a foreign girl and that girl's little sister (who is Angela Merkel) came back for revenge after he emigrated and become a successful restaurateur. Lee was greek and it was a metaphor

Sounds autistic but I'm pretty proud of it

>>6802180
Would love to read it, can you post it?

>>6798286

Would work so good if you could put spoilers in real books

>>6802187
haha I wrote it on paper and I am far too lazy to type it since it would be at least 5-10 pages.
Basically I made him as unlikeable as possible, fat shoemaker who makes shoes too small for the townspeople cuz he is a dick/ they have to buy new shoes more often. He date rapes Merkel's sister, moves to a gotham type city and gets in with gangs although they all hate him cuz he's constantly a dick.
One day he is on the porch and Merkel comes because he has money owed to a food distributor she owns and she ends up cutting him with a blade she has in the heel of her stiletto.

It really was a lot of fun to write, especially creating interesting ways for him to scam people and be a jerk

>>6802259
Aww :( I'd love to read it. If you ever decide to type it up please post it

>>6802336
lol are the person who came up with the original line because I really liked it's kind of gritty straightforwardness. I work all day today but maybe sometime tomorrow I can put it into a pastebin and post it

>>6797924
winning an election is a pretty mechanical process.

>>6801793
I don't know, I made it up.
I love that you can guess what will happen with just this sentence and the fact that it's the first.

Quell my Canadian lust, O gentle tree fiends, finger my way to the fig of truth, the absolute of godly unions.

>>6802056
I fucking hate you, you have three sentences saying the same thing.

>>6802044
>a kind of
>a sort of
>you could say

Guys...

>>6802336
>>6802376
He isn't the original poster, I am, doesen't make a difference tho, I also would love to read it, hope you can upload it before the thread dies.

>>6802508
psst... I have a crazy idea... maybe it was... intentional?

A breeze of gentle morning sunlight propped Roger Adams, up on his bed, shared with his wife, though he was no longer the man who’d gone to bed with her the night before. His body, gruesome wiry and scarred by 42 years of habituation, found itself in one pantleg and then the other, standing upright, and then lurching into the kitchen.

Be gentle.

>>6802548

Oh shit, ignore the comma between "Adams" and "up."

>>6801954
Hey, I like this one a lot. Reminds me of the "Sirens" episode of Ulysses. I'm guessing that's one of the influences here?

>>6798416
lay down what. but maybe that's the point, what do I know
>>6798440
alright
>>6798442
I like it
>>6798605
"vaguely" might mean something if we knew the dream
>>6798651
alright
>>6798663
more words than information
>>6798679
alright
>>6798738
alright
>>6798823
without knowing anything more about this psychiatrist, I find it hard to believe they'd assume he meant clothing, especially when he goes on to add physiological descriptors
>>6798912
alright
>>6798952
I like it
>>6798999
alright
>>6799000
alright
>>6799009
alright
>>6799033
alright
>>6799049
take out the second comma
>>6799058
I'm not sure what the emotion is
>>6799111
no reaction
>>6799120
kinda cheesy
>>6800738
alright
>>6800919
hehe
>>6800959
k
>>6800969
I like it
>>6801169
okay
>>6801668
k
>>6801687
kinda phony
>>6801803
I like it
>>6802056
"as though even ... in his untimely death" cut this
>>6802058
I like it
>>6802060
alright, but leave out the commas around unread
>>6802097
wouldn't know
>>6802384
alright
>>6802481
no reaction
>>6802548
first comma was the only catch. it's good. "42 years of habituation", I like that

"You fucking despicable cunt", he thought, appalled by his own use of such strong profanity. He knew his boss couldn't hear his thoughts but secretly he hoped he could because he was too scared to actually say anything to him when he found out he was to lose his job.

Now the funeral is over, and all the tears are dried up.

The tall, fat, and balding man--his coiffed wig sat adrift on the edge of his wrinkling forehead--scowled as he looked down at the tiny, tan rabbit with the white paws.
"Rodney, you're fired."

"Do you want some news?" She said.

"Eyyy Gurl, lemme holla at ya fo a lil bit. Eyy u lookin fine, u want some fuck?"

>>6802828
Nice idea, but it's waaayyy too purple. Unless, of course, that was the point.

The rain sounded like a round of applause; a sarcastic applause to congratulate him on his decision to end his life.

>>6802915
>The rain sounded like applause to celebrate his decision to end his life, soaking him in frigid praise from the world

more straightforward but I can see why would want the comma for a more dramatic pause. Also I think 'sarcastic' is unnecessary because it would be even better if it actually was sincere in applauding his suicide

Big bar benaben barreltone iron bars rangalang along the runwayish fashionstreet, so that Prince Ferrus (as our illustrious Protagonist would have him be named), crowned in a stylish hardhat, had to anvil his feet after them, sweating, armpits, smelly, bluejeans, bigbenabenaben, brawnhands clutching after steely-smelling metal barbarbars. Speaking of bars, a Berber princess (seductress: Prince Ferrus, watch for those razor snipsnip bzzzzteeth! Good old womanloins "O my dear dimber wapping wam!" as Joyce would say!), black, mourning, in the morning, Darklady Queene-in-the-Woodes, regal'd past the wretched Prince of the Simians, disgusting herself over the hairy armslegschestfaceetc.etc.: a Nightqueen, Lordess over Dear Protagonist's Platosoul.

This ain't actually an opening line, but it could be, innit? And yes, it's intentionally a ripoff of Ulysses. Still, not too bad for having been invented on the spot, right?

>>6798205
Hey, I like it. In case you come across this post, could you post some more?

>>6798285

Good on the whole, but cut down on the needless wonkiness. "Mazter," for example, is obnoxious. "splasterred and spatchcocked" is real good though.

>>6797924
You're under arrest for raping my wife, said his clone.

Howard Ayers passed away on July 21, 2015. He was eighty-five years old.

He parted her pissflaps with his fingers, heroically pushing his tongue through her pubic hair that made her genitals resemble a gorilla's autopsy. "If this isn't worth a promotion I don't know what is", he thought, his face contorted as though he wanted to move it to the other side of his head.

Three hundred and forty-eight more miles to go before I make sure if she's dead or not - though it's not a given that I would even find anything pertaining to what happened that night. At least I am sure of my options - I either kill myself or I get caught.

>>6802915

>>6802954
The guy was going to end his life. Everything is fucked up. The "sarcasm" recognised in the rain shows how he automatically perceives everything as being indifferent or hostile towards him.

although I'm not that anon

>>6803103
Correct. He interprets everything in a negative way. He feels like the whole world is laughing at him. The opening is a flashforward so it doesn't return to that moment until the end of the book. I have a beginning and an end but the middle is all over the place.

To the other anon, I appreciate the comment though.

"Computer scientists are striving to make computers that can achieve the intelligence of the human brain, and all over the world our bosses are striving to make our jobs so procedural that we barely have to think at all," Larry said, hoping to impress his date.
"Hmmm" she replied.

"I'm the Batman", he said. But Bugs Bunny just continued eating his carrot.

"Extra, extra! Read all about it!", duel-wielding newspapers; to anybody that would listen. "About what?", to myself, grinding my teeth; wondering why, if the news was so damned important, he didn't just cut the middleman and yell it out


hot off the press I just typed it on my iPhone if anyone wants it they can have it udig

It's bitchass cold outside. I'm not complaining, just stating a fact: it's bitchass cold outside.

Stereotypes of a white cis male misunderstood, and it's still all good.

Guilty.

>>6797924
It was a day much like any other. The austere chilliness of this February morning was not unlike that of many others.

Seems people have stopped rating, so I will carry on in their stead. Quality of reviews not guaranteed.

>>6802621
>he his his he he he him he he his

Seems a bit much to me. Nothing off the top of my head gives a solution for that, but its your fucking novel why are you trying to make me do more work you dick. You fix it.

>>6802732
Eh

>>6802828
I'd read what comes next

>>6802850
Very utilitarian.

>>6802915
Works for me

>>6803068
K

>>6803078
epik :^)

>>6803097
Feels a bit stunted to me with both sentences having the hyphen and that particular flow. Maybe thats what you wanted though.

>>6803339
I liked it

>>6803380
Made me smile, for what thats worth

>>6803550
k

>>6804074
epik

>>6804262
If your goal was to bore me, you nailed it.

>>6797924
I knew she ("he" according to some rude people) was transgender. I had decided we were connecting on deeper levels than sex and physical attraction, but that night she wanted carnal pleasures...

>>6797924
You might be asking yourself how i got into that situation? Well, it is in fact incredibly simple but also terribly complicated.

It had been three days since the coup and with the floral centre-pieces placed on the podium (at his mother's insistence) Colonel Vasily Jovanic began his speech with a flutter of the hands and a beat of the chest. "Today," he cried, "is our first day of independence!"

>>6797924
This was a day like every others*. The little O'oolon woke up in his Trasp made of tantric metal sheets he was stealing in the floating mothership 12 miles down its current location.
*At least since the times there was no sun waking up anymore in the sky.

Pepe inserted a poo in feel guy's mouth. He then proceeded to drip some old pee inside his ears and nose.

>>6804398
How the fuck can you think this is funny?

How much can you really tell about a book from the first line anyway?

>>6797924
ayyy babby, u want sum fuk?

>>6804413
I'm thirteen.

>>6804502
>MFW

>>6804502
I'm actually nineteen and a full grown adult who enjoys pepe memes in a post-ironic way. Same goes with tendies, power rock ballads and 90s culture references.

>>6804338
please someone review my first two lines, I am halfway thru this book and I'd like to know if my writing is any good!

>>6804398
kill yourself
>>>/r9k/

>>6798335

Are you the girlfriend's-underwear Stirner meme-poster from about a month ago?

Pendleton. The road, etched into the rocks by men long dead, cuts a path through seemingly endless hills that vibrate incessantly with mystery and distant mortar fire.

>>6803532
critique me hotshots; I was going to do a funny meme wannabe-Salinger/John Green post but it came out a bit more serious than I intended

Everyone watched in awe his excitement reached a sort of fever pitch; his eyes grew wider and narrower by turns as his hands gesticulated wildly in sweeping gestures of mad grandeur, only breaking from these motions in order to take speedy swigs of his beer, which, instead of swallowing, he swished vigorously as he talked until it began to gather in growing, dirty-brown masses at the corners of his mouth and dribble down his chin in salivating rivulets.

>>6804795
I liked how it went from deadhorse "extra extra" to not quite deadhorse "dual wielding." Got a chuckle out of me.

>>6804839
much obliged
I'm proud of myself even though that's the first and last thing I'll ever write with intent
I gotta meme while I'm ahead

Stop using so many fucking colons you twats.

>>6805079
or: what

>>6805079
No; I can Do what I want; you sorry-Sod

>>6803030
I kinda like the idea, execution could be better.

>>6797924
The man behind the curtain only ever stood in the shower. There was never any water.

I'm pretty much fucked.

>>6805079
Why, I don't like ending thoughts; I like the pseudo stream-of-consiousness thing, I think it's much more faithful and a lot less forced to how I actually think

>>6797924
>that annoying american expression

america is like kryptonite for feminine beauty

>>6800969
I like it
I think it tells us a fair bit about this guy

>>6805636
c'mon guys, no homo.

would be a good beginning to a creepypasta, me thinks.

>>6805079
It's because we were only allowed to use 2sentences, but wanted to show more of our story, to paint out the ideas better we needed more sub-sentences. Do you undertsand me, or was I not clear enough, since I drank alotta coffee in the morning, because I was hungover, actually I didnt, just wanted to make a point.

Did the man who invented college, go to college? Hmm, okay then.

My novel is about how society is fucked up.

>>6797924
Holy jesus, what is that? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

>>6805986
>did the man who invented glasses wear glasses?
But no by all means, keep writing

>>6805986
no but he got educated by his peers in the field, and then decided to create a platform with the same function, but on a greater scale and better dunctionality.

They say one is their own canvas...Hah! What a pitiful excuse was [main character]'s life, a chaotic shamble of lines and smudges coloured by the slack-jawed staring at others achievements like the slaves of Rome did the Colosseum.

The worst part about being an organic after the technological hive-mind collapsed, is all the reruns on T.V.

>>6798067
>turk
>not asian

>>6798156
Like it.

All his life, Kemon felt different from those among him. It wasn't until his 15th birthday he decided to tell his parents about his secret.

It was a cold Monday morning on the 8th of November, 2045. As Kemon walked downstairs towards the living room, he rethought his words. He asked himself, am I doing the right thing?

>>6802044
Great

>>6802601
Fuck off posts like these are so hard to read

>>6802621
like the other guy, it's a lot of he him his, but I guess it's because he's very self-conscious and -absorbed. start to confuse it though when you refer to the boss as "him".
>>6802732
soppy
>>6802828
cute, in a good way
>>6802850
alright
>>6802873
>gurl with a u
is this a 14yo boy in 2003 speaking?
>>6802915
the second line lays it on a bit thick. seems superfluous if you know the context, which will probably be the case when you return to the situation later on. why not leave a bit of intrigue until then, or at least for this first scene.
>>6802967
>anvil his feet after them
good image. the rest doesn't connect emotionally/sensorily
>>6803068
don't do it, man
>>6803078
cute, in a bad way
>>6803097
contrived
>>6803339
alright
>>6803532
I like that last bit, but the use of "extra extra read all about it" is cheesy and unoriginal. don't care for "dual-wielding", but the martial connotations can be justified
>>6803550
reads phony when you repeat it
>>6804338
I like it
>>6804363
alright. "a flutter of the hands" is imprecise
>>6804383
too much exposition in one line
>>6804398
I want good 4chan fiction
>>6804431
alright
>>6804733
I like "hills that vibrate incessantly with mystery and distant mortar fire"
>>6804811
overblown. more words than information

>>6804532
>born 1996
>thinks he gets "90s cultural references"

I am sorry that I ever undertook to write this book. Not that it bores me; I have nothing else to do; indeed, putting together a few meager chapters for that other world is always a welcome task that distracts me from eternity-- but the book is tedious, it smells of the tomb, it has a rigor mortis about it; a serious fault, and yet a relatively small one, for the great defect of this book is you, my reader: You want to live fast, to get to the end, and the book ambles along slowly; you like straight, solid narrative and a smooth style, but this book and my style are like a pair of drunkards; they stagger to the right and to the left, they start and they stop, they mutter, they roar, they guffaw, they threaten the sky, they slip, they fall.

>>6806064
nice and easy to read.

what is his secret? hes queer? I don't think thats something to be ashamed of in 2045

>>6805986
if that's what it's about, your opening line makes that critical attitude funny, which isn't a bad thing if you run with it
>>6806026
contrived. the reference (which mixes metaphors) comes off like an attempt at gravitas. the canvas metaphor has potential
>>6806032
the logic is unclear
>>6806064
without any idea at all of the secret, the stakes of keeping it and the effects of revealing it, none of which is really suggested here, this reads like empty stilted preamble. also the thread between "felt different" and "decided to tell secret" is pretty thin, doesn't seem like those would go together. the first sooner implies that he doesn't know what's different about him, and that sense combined with the latter makes it seem like his secret is simply that he feels different. muddled.
>>6806081
if you're one of the people I'm responding to, ctrl+f your post's code.
>>6806096
alright

Most of this shit that you sheep are watching on television is fake as fuck and is not real.

This story may give you the impression that the author and I have never had sex, but please believe me. We've had sex plenty of times.

>>6804363
This is good. "a beat of the chest," in particular, tickles my fancy immensely. You may wanna use something a little less generic than "cried," though. Perhaps "gesticulated" or "announced," or something else to continue the theme of slight wonkiness (seeing as how those are verbs not too often used in fiction to describe someone saying something) set by the descriptions of him with his fluttering hands and beating chest.

>>6806668
I don't know if this guy is being sarcastic or not, but don't listen to him.

>>6806779

Oh, go fuck yourself with your knee-jerk aversion to anything that isn't minimalist. He's already set a tone of slight alienation with the unconventional descriptions: why not go all the way? It's a minor point, anyway. "cried" still works well enough.

>>6806798
pretty knee-jerk response. "cried" is a better choice than "gesticulated" because you don't gesticulate a spoken word, and it's better than "announced" because he hasn't yet gotten to the part of the sentence that qualifies it as an announcement. as of "today," he's making an outburst, which is in line with his mannered yet exuberant behavior ("a flutter of the hands and a beat of the chest"), a great but not spontaneous release. "cried" is the right word. and your reasons for why it wasn't were inane, the word isn't inherently or universally generic, and it's so basic a component that it's useless to worry about it's ubiquity. concern about its overuse is limited to its frequency within the story, same as "said".

The feelings when your opening gets completely glossed over. I am going to go back to working at McDonald's.