/lit/ - Literature

Or is this sentence perfect already. I mean, seriously!? I'm sure someone here can do better!!

The shadows of trees stood as sentinels against the walls, cast there by the orange glow of a nearby streetlight.

>>6694832
Yes, but this sounds like the trees are literally standing against the walls. Nearby is too vague. Sentinels to dramatic. I do like it, but I want the sentence to be more precise!!!

Things that go "bump" in the night!

relax this is one sentence just move past it

once you finish your first draft you can start to obsess over every word

>>6694782
>Light is coming through a window, through some trees, and casting impressions of their branches on the living room walls.

How about, "Light came through the window, through some trees, casting impressions of their branches on the living room walls."

>>6694892
Good point. This sentence is driving me nuts though. Wanted to reach out for a alt opinion. :)

>>6694896
Bahahahahah. Yup, thanks :D

>>6694837
how about
"the shadows of trees stood really creepily on the ground like you just saw them and felt uneasy after seeing them because they just looked so spooky looking, cast there by the orangish yellowish glow of the streetlight thing across the street because light travels through the air or something and casts shadows when things block its path and this is why you can see the creepy shadows of the trees because the trees are in the way of the streelight's light because its nighttime which is even spookier."

>>6694904
Yeah, great. V atmospheric, but was kinda hoping for something shorter and snappier. Very nice try though. :p ><

I don't have a suggestion, but I think I can say this is where you are failing:

>casting a shadowy impression of their branches

You need to lean on the description here. They're casting an image that is horrifying, alien, unworldly, or whatnot. That's the imagery you need to pull off, and pull it off right here.

Well, I do have one suggestion. Stop what you are doing right now and track down a copy of "Danse Macabre" by Stephen King.

Read it.

>>6694904
Or:
>those long spooky thingies coming out of spooky trees are just like scary man like did you see them they're literally the most horrifying thing that is spooky and at the same time very spooky and these thingies coming out of spooky trees are surrounded by haunting spooky orange with spookier yellow from some spooky thingies standing tall on a spooky pavement lending a spooky light with spooky people in spooky night and spooky spook spook boo.

>>6694970
This is actually very helpful. Thank you. I will def look up that book. Thanks again!

>>6694782
Curtains were full open downstairs. The orange light from the window casted a twisted impression of the trees that lined the road, their figured dancing a perpetual march over the magnolia walls."

>>6694896
Why are you fixated on describing it chronologically?
>the wall bore the impression of branches, of the gnarled limbs of the tree outside, cast there by a trick of the light filtering in.
You can mix it up, is what I'm saying.

>>6694982

I'm tempted to have a go at this, but I think I'd like to save my idea for something else I'm working on. So I'll stick to the general.

Here's a salient point:
>two boys

And here is where you are particularly failing - not your writing your thinking.
>shadowy

No. Not shadows.

As the boys are young their reality testing centers can't be expected to be fully developed. So you want to show what they are seeing in the manner they would see it. Not some shadows meandering to the breeze, these images are not even connected to the trees. Not from the boys POV. They're exist independent of ought else, they're alive, they're ...

Yesss characters they are ... with doings, such doings, and look! They're doing it.

HSSsss and clawing visions of the hellish beings from beyond, baby!

Character POV. Think about it.

>>6695042
Unless OP is writing as the narrator, or wants his reader to know that the work should be read as a construction, in which case your entire post is bunk.

>>6694782
>"An Orange streetlight shond through the open curtains casting shadowy impression branches of the ash trees on the night colored walls"

The walls aren't currently magnolia at all. I don't know what magnolia is colored at night, lit through a window, but describe THAT color and not the physical reality of what the wall is painted

More great tips y'all. This is why I love 4chan. Thanks a bunch :)

Downstairs curtains open into the currant current night, numismatic magnum magnolia night. Shadowy branches (truncheons?) spread, tread, dread the toad road.

>>6695042
Yes, but they are aware they are shadows. Granted their imaginations could wander.....

>>6695453
Say whhhaaattt!!

>>6695453
Go to bed, Wolfe.