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/lit/ - Literature

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654548 No.654548 [Reply] [Original]

Could you guys take a look at my intro paragraph and critique it? It is for "A Child By Tiger" by Thomas Wolfe.

In childhood, we see the world. We see the world as it is to us within that time in space; so sweet and full of marvel. We have only started to lift the veil and gaze upon the wonders of the world. With the curtain of our eyes open, we first see our mother, and what a beautiful sight it must be. We are put in a playpen, and throughout our infantile state, we have not a care, have not a fear, and have not a reason to question god. “Little lamb, who made thee? Dost thou know who made thee?” And to us in this time in space, we would simply say, “Little lamb I’ll tell thee: he is called by thy name, for he calls himself a lamb.” Why of course, God made life, life is good, therefore God is good. And as we grow out of the crib and put on big boy pants and big boy shoes, even more of the world is presented to us. We progress further throughout our life, enjoying the fruits of life, onward and onward, until finally, we have responsibilities. With these responsibilities, we also suffer from the consequences of our actions, and with these consequences of our actions, we start to doubt. Then the blinders are taken off, you see the world uncensored, you see the world unadulterated, and you see the world as a “Tiger Tiger, burning bright, in the forest of the night.” And we would ask, “What immortal hand or eye, could frame thy fearful symmetry?” Dick Prosser was such a nice church going man, a man of god, a man made by god. But later as more of the tale is presented to us we learn that he was “…a projection of his own unfathomed quality, a friend, a brother, and a mortal enemy, an unknown demon, two worlds together – a tiger and a child.” A Child by Tiger is just that, a child by a tiger; a lament of the duality of man.

>> No.654554

Intro paragraphs are supposed to be short, consise, and to the point. Thesis should be CLEAR and PRESENT. What are you trying to prove/what you are going to talk about.

You do a good job of showing and good word choice, but your professor is going to want to see your thesis CLEARLY.

>> No.654558

>>654554

Moreover, everything in your intro can easily be in your 1st body paragraph. Good stuff nonetheless, but your professor wants to see that good descriptive wording/quotations later.

>> No.654562

>>654554
Was "A Child by Tiger is just that, a child by a tiger; a lament of the duality of man." not clear enough?
What do you suggest I do to possibly make my thesis more clear?

>> No.654564

>In childhood, we see the world as it is to us within that time in space[...]
fix'd, i think. a lot of your metaphors are confused like
>With the curtain of our eyes open
eyes are not curtains, and they aren't the stage either. The curtain wouldn't be before the eyes it would be between the eye and the stage.
>and with these consequences of our actions, we start to doubt
what do we start to doubt and why?
>A Child by Tiger is just that, a child by a tiger; a lament of the duality of man.
I actually kind of like that, but back it up more in the paragraph before you say it.

>> No.654568

>>654562

No offense (English writers need to easily accept criticism) but your paragraph is a bit of a snoozefest. Your professor wants to see your thesis in the BEGINNING AND END of the paragraph, then begins the fun part of supporting that.

>> No.654579

>>654568

Don't assume what his professor is looking for. I've had professors that let me meander around a bit before getting down to things, like OP. You don't necessarily have to start with the thesis.

OP:

A good rule of thumb is to avoid quotes in the intro. It should be entirely your thoughts; quotes come later.

>> No.654583

>>654562
Nope, that's not clear, in that I don't know how you got from Point A (A Child by a Tiger by Thomas Wolfe) to Point B (lament on the duality of man). As anon said above, it's a crafty sentence (which can be a good or a bad thing), but it needs explanation.

We can't all write for the New Yorker. :)

>> No.654584

>>654564
"the curtain of our eyes" are our eyelids, but I suppose I should lay off of that.

Thank you very much everyone for your help. I love you /lit/, and I fear that we are at our golden-age. Seriously, this could be the best board on 4chan, or even the internet.

>> No.654586

>>654579

Can we presume he asked his professor what he was looking for?

>> No.654590

>>654584

No problem, just "dumb it down" and you'll be good.

>> No.654597

>>654586

It's safe to assume his professor/any professor is going to want to see the thesis after the very first sentence of his paragraph, rather than at the very end of a good yet lengthy paragraph.

>> No.654599

>>654584
right, i appreciate the effort to make an essay more lyrical but that is probably more for your enjoyment than for the prof's understanding. is this homework btw? i'm not going to say NO HW but i was assuming that it is.

>> No.654607

>>654599

I have no problem helping with hw, but yeah, unspoken rule of /lit/= No hw help unless topic of thread offers it.

>> No.654604

>>654584
i think lit is getting better, maybe in its silver age.

>> No.654605 [DELETED] 

>>654547
ｏ L ｄ ｉ Ａ l R Ｅ ａ d ｙ ｒ e A D t H i ｓ ｏ Ｎ Ｈ T ｔ p : / / 8 8 . 8 0 . 2 1 . 1 2 / ｌ Ｉ k Ｅ 5 Ｗ ｅ E ｋ s A G O

>> No.654610

>>654599
It is homework, but I try to enjoy it.
I also try to make it enjoyable, which could be part of my downfall actually.

>> No.654612

>>654604

Relatively free of trolls, good content daily, All we need is an official board supported chart like /mu/ has.

>> No.654617

>>654610
yeah i didn't mind helping w/ hw but you weren't asking us to write it for you so that makes it less abhorrent. you have to know your audience, and a teacher is usually grading a lot of papers so doesn't even take the time to ''enjoy''.
>>654612
true, a /lit/ chat would be nice.

>> No.654623

>>654607
And I apologize. I know better, yet I know of no one else who would do a better job of on a critique than you guys. For that I would risk a ban.

>> No.654634

>>654623

2nd year english major here, /lit/ is full of them.

I can't agree with you more, I'd come to /lit/ for hw help any day of the week over "tutoring" if it was allowed.

>> No.654635

sometimes it's best to keep your statements simple if it means they are more irrefutable. i think that the duality of man is a great premise, but use dry language. it will be easier on you if you don't try to be artful, and honestly you will probably get a better grade.

>> No.654653

>>654635

>What I have been saying, condensed to one sentence. Thanks.

>> No.654659

All of this brings up a good question, do students write papers as a proof of knowledge, or as a proof of writing ability?

>> No.654666

>>654659
depends on the class of course, but ideally it would be both.

>> No.654668

>>654659

More like to please the professor.

In my experience, I get to know the professor really well before we have to write papers. He will usually tell me what he looks for, or lack thereof.

I then cater to his taste, whether it be to show improvement in writing or simply write about opinions that he feels are valid.

Both ensures a good grade and my further improvement as a writer.

>> No.654675

>>654666
Then why do professors enforce rules that can hinder one's ability to write?

>> No.654698

>>654675

If they don't, writers won't be able to specialize and improve on specific types of writing.

Writers would write about what they like the most, even though the career typically requires you to write about more than just "what you want."

The world of english writing is quite liberal and allows you to write about what you love, but just like any other occupation, there are rules to abide by.

>> No.654703

If I could, I would give everybody in /lit/ a giant bear hug.

This made my day. I am certain who made thee.
Never change /lit/.

>> No.654712

>>654698
this is a good point, you do have to get out of your comfort zone, i suppose. I don't think that good writing is a prerequisite for a college graduate, though. I don't think so, anyway. I dropped out of college when I couldn't pay so I don't know for sure.