/lit/ - Literature

I read the sample, it's cute. Still says it's $2.99 for me though, and I'm not paying 3 bucks for 29 pages.

Kathy Ireland, whose name no one can ever seem to get right for long, is out for a soothing jog when there appears behind her a big fat rapist. What happens next is as heart-warming as it is inspiring.

Seriously OP, do you actually make money off these Amazon projects? Like at all?

>>6437783
Looks like it might take a while to kick in for some people. I went with the price recommended by Amazon's analytics thing.

>>6437798
When you go with a publisher the percentage you keep on ebook sales is miniscule. This is the first time I'm going rogue to self-publish, so we'll see.

>>6437783

>Still says it's $2.99 for me though

Alright it seems like the promo has kicked in, so the price is now $0, like I said any reviews y'all motherfuckers can leave will be a help.

The link again

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WH8BCE6

>>6437755
>About a month ago I posted a reply to a prompt by anon to "describe someone running"
keke I remember that thread and your reply. It was good stuff...


and you wrote...

... a book...?

>>6437755
>2.99
OP, I like the writing, but I don't even pay for books that are full length and have won awards.
Actually I do sometimes, but not if it's shorter than 200 pages
Get out

>>6438104
indeed, a short one though. but lots of "bizarro" books are very short, they just use trickery to make them reach the 100 pages commonplace

>>6438111
It's free, amigo

>>6438104
indeed, a short one though. but lots of "bizarro" books are very short, they just use trickery to make them reach the 100 pages commonplace

>>6438111
It's free, amigo, the 2.99 refers to what you 'save' atm

Here's an excerpt:

>There came during Kathy Ireland's growing up a point where it became clear her labia would be a problem. The extent the problem would come to assume was yet a mystery to her, par with why her kneecaps had a most unmistakable doorknob shape, protruding and, disturbingly, workable.

>Even from birth she was something of an oddity. Doctors with midday martinis upon their breath examined her with parrot-eyed interest, poking and prodding the fleshy mass that Kathy Ireland as a newborn was.

>Kathy: it had a mouth, sure, that's where all the hissing noises came from. And it had eyes, most definitely, as they would each follow items of interest to newborn Katie independent of one another, like some stunned chameleon. But what was lacking was the basic semblance of the human form. Kathy was … she was a pile of life. A patty of ideas of what a newborn human should be. As if her mother's womb had somehow scrambled and undercooked her.

>A leg (not yet taking on its knobby form her teenage years would surprise her with) sprouted incompetently from between the too-mature breasts. Another did emerge, in a way almost described as victoriously, from her smooth-as-a-baby's bunghole. An ear was wedged inside her eyelid on the left. The lobe on the other one looked almost satanically like Whoopie Goldberg's, the famed actress and star of: movies.

>Where Kate Ireland found herself poked and prodded on the most, one of her bodily landmarks that drew the doctors' attention the most, was her offensively large, anatomically ludicrous, vaghetti.

>Though yet incapable of producing enough lift to take flight, her vaghetti lips were, even at this early stage, somehow winglike.
The doctors speculated as to their function. Some suggested they were to be used as a reproductive boon, tentacling any penis within the radius of their reach into it to absorb all the coolest genes. Some of the more future-minded doctors stroked their wooly chins and propounded that they were unmistakably the next step in human evolution. That come a century's time, all human females would be endowed with these virtuosic pussy lips, for uses even the smartest among the current crop of humans were too mentally gimpy to imagine. Others simply said they were a genetic oopsie daisy, a mother nature nip slip—even if a neat one, cos, look, you can roll them around a pencil.

>That was just the start of it.

>>6438166
good stuff, good stuff

Here, have some more. If you get a kick out of what I wrote please leave a review. I'm not getting the backing of a publisher on this one so anything helps.

>Dr. Jay, in a freaky state of mind at the moment, grabs one of his wads of cash, chews it and spits it all out on the dance floor. He expects everyone to run to collect the cash, but this is a more affluent crowd than he's used to so no one even notices, despite it being a tasty few thousand. Instead everyone just floats around the club like yachts. Dr. Jay looks over at his accountant—who's come along for the ride to make sure this baller's night out is a financially sound night out—and his accountant makes some nod-gesture at the partially chewed-up cash whereupon, glumly, Dr. Jay walks over to pick it all up.

>In the meantime Kathy and co. go gallivanting into the crowd that's affluent as third-world presidents. The accountant finds himself a girl, to the music, and against which, to rub himself on. Like a dance to imitate a mongrel's frantic intimacy with an embroidered pillow. The girl is wearing nothing at all, only lipstick, designer heels, a tiara, a dress, panties and a bra, and a chastity belt whose key was tragically lost in a river. Nothing at all*. He's having a good time and keeping the books tidy while doing it. His name is Connell and here's his business card, in case you'd like to keep your wealth like your party lifestyle: never-ending.

>While they're dancing Connell asks his lady partner what the deal with her lady part is.

>My dad was a smithy, she explained while performing a dance move that had Connell on the verge, and after the war died down there was no longer a need for swords and armor, so he began to make what the victors of that war, The Victorians, had the most demand for, which was, dreadfully unfortunate for me and the use of my lady parts, chastity thongs. My father had earned a contract from the New Victorian Government (NVG) for twenty thousand chastity thongs. His deadline was coming closer well fast and my father was quite spooked as he had never once even seen a chastity belt or thong. My mother was a free-spirited woman (there she is over there) and it was a freer time. So, working all hours of the day and night, my father devised a crude prototype out of scrap steel. There was no way my mother was going to wear the darn thing so he made me take off my knickers and put it on, which I had no choice but to do. Well as you can see—oh! and feel, tisk tisk—it has worked marvelously to this day. The problem was that when he made it he made no key to go into the keyhole, because that was considered too suggestive at the time and likely to incite impure thoughts, so the lock went forever keyless.

(cont)

>>6438289

(cont.)
>Forever, until one day a charming prince of the anti-Victorian rebellion (a.k.a., aptly as it would turn out, the Unvictorious) came into my life. He had not seen a woman's flesh in the flesh since the fall of the old government so he was mad-horny. Into my keyhole he fit … or since this happened in the past, I suppose it'd be fat … yes he fat numerous things into my keyhole, toasters, modified bike spools, lavander, hazelnut and witchclaw, even the hard-to-find bitchclaw, but everything was to no avail. Finally he went into the woods where it was rumoured there resided a smithy who fashioned contraband keys for youngs in love. The problem was that when he did find the urban-legendary smithy, the smithy said that he would only craft keys for youngs who are in actual love, and my prince was only in lust, taw taw. When this came to light my world came shattering around me. I went home crying to my father who took pity on me and crafted me a key. But, caveat: I was only to present it to one who truly loved me. Being a young scamp I sought the nearest Johnny-got-dick I could find, not only to experience the beauty of carnal touching but also to enrage the Unvictorious prince who achieved victory over my heart, only to smash it to bits like he tried to do with my chastity thong using a sledgehamer. Words carry in that ugly little village that I'm from and prince caught wind of my intentions. He found me in a cupboard, with my J.G.D. fiddling with my thick metal thong, trying to get the key in just right. Thence princey, with a look of savage discontent, opened the cupboard, dragged out my J.G.D. pummeled him in his Johnny-got-dick with all his violence, and left with my precious key and tossed it in a body of water so deep it was essentially bottomless, like his vengeance. I could not ask my father for another key because I had broken his one rule.

>Huh? Connell said.

>>6438289

>Dr. Jay looks over at his accountant—who's come along for the ride to make sure this baller's night out is a financially sound night out
Kek

>>6437755
I love your cover. Not so keen on any other aspect of the work. But still, nice cover!

>>6437755
You don't think the real Kathy Ireland (famous swimsuit model) might decide to sue you?

>>6437755

Will there be pigeon rape or lesbian pigeons?

I'm actually a huge fan of what I've read from your samples. Thanks to my militant beliefs against consumerism, I do not have an Amazon account and as such cannot download the full book. If you're in the mood to both be charitable to an internet stranger and to spread to your work, I'd appreciate an uploaded copy (mega.co,nz, zippyshare, whatever floats your boat).
If I were in your shoes, I'd look into getting it published more professionally or at the very least in a local adult newspaper or zine. The lighthearted style of the writing showcased here would probably wear any reader down eventually, but the 29 page novelita format really lends itself to your advantage.
I'm looking forward to reading anything that you put out in the future and believe you could make a career out of writing if you so desired.

I vividly remember the first time a girl I got naked had an outie.

Anyways, good luck with your writing, OP. Also I like the cover design.

The cover really drew my eye

>>6438738

well I'll be damned, she existed before I thought of her. apparently she's a melon muncher too

>>6438753
there could be, i make this shit up as i go along. there is a sparrow that gets sucked into a jet engine tho

>>6439083
tell me more, i'm interested.

I'm posting tits and one more sample and I'm done.

>...whatever the eventual repercussions this sparrow's death will have, its more immediate ones come as bad news to Kimberly Britain, for: a hole has been ripped into one of the engine's screaming blades that because of the fierceness of their screaming, is quick to spread. So the engine tears itself apart. Pieces go shooting back. Some go shooting into the wing of the plane. The plane's wing is ripped from the plane. The plane now has a giant hole for a wing.

What this all means to Kathy is that her flight is canceled.
At first she is pleasantly surprised by the party hats that descend from special party hat compartments above all the seats.

>Sweet naive Kimberly.

She begins to wonder why everyone is wearing their party hats over their mouths. And why they're reacting so poorly when faced with news of unexpected festivities.

>She thinks the party may have escalated too quickly and for things to have gotten a little out of hand when people seem to be jumping from the plane. But as she will soon realize, the jumping was less than voluntary, for a fantastic suction tears her from the seat of her pants and sends her knocking around the fuselage like a pinball machine operated by a man with trigger-finger epilepsy, terminal.

Never before has Kathy known so much ricocheting.

>Where all that knocking around put her in was outside, into the sea's sky where people she was just being casually ogled only a moment ago by were now going down fast and grabbing for doorknobs or handrails or hell even lubed-up dildos when the nearest of any of those things were so many miles away and at a very different altitude than their dildo-seeking fists. Some of the fallers take a final comfort in knowing that, thanks to relativity, they at this altitude are aging slower than their ground-based contemporaries.

>>6440213
>>6440031
hm. Not bad at all