/lit/ - Literature

>>633729
I started to put it together that during the day she was a normal all American girl but at night she was a rude, evil person. She was purposely spilling drinks on girls, smoking, drinking and doing drugs. I continued to watch this happen until I finally got up the nerve to confront her at the end of junior year. We started talking about how she can’t stop coughing when smoke it in the air and the smell of alcohol makes her sick. She was so proud to say that she had never even taken a sip of alcohol. This made me stop and think. I had no idea what was babbling on about. I clearly had seen Jessica smoking and drinking! I stopped pestering her with questions because I could see her starting to get a little freaked out by me. I kept my distance from her for the rest of the year.


I no longer had any friends because I was so obsessed to find out what was wrong with Jessica. During the summer I had a job at a local family owned store and I became their stock boy. The Smith store was owned by Jessica’s uncle’s store. I had no idea because of the different last name but of course Jessica just had to work at the Smith store. She was the head cashier and most of the time and it was just Jessica and I working during a lazy summer day. We worked 8am-3pm together and barely spoke to each other unless it was something about the store.

whatthefuckamireading.jpg

>>633733
Near the end of July Jessica was throwing a huge birthday party. Her friends we in one day and they kept going on and on about her parents going away that weekend on some therapy retreat and she would have the house to herself. Everyone who was anyone was going to her party and I had to get myself invited. The next day at work, I was on a mission to get an invite. I was being really social and it put me in a really good mood. Jessica was talking about her party and I could see how excited she was getting. While she was explaining she stopped mid sentence and invited me. It was as simple as that. Of course I agreed and the rest of the day was amazing. Jessica and I were finding out how many things in common we have. We love the same type of crazy action movies and the same rock bands. The rest of the week was great with Jessica. She is such a kind wonderful person and we could just keep talking forever. Maybe I was wrong about Jessica

It was finally the day of Jessica’s party. I even went out and got a new outfit that I knew would impress her. As I drove in my Camero to her house I kept thinking how maybe I’ve been over-reaction about her being evil. There is no what that such a wonderful girl could be rude. Before I could come to a conclusion my Tom-tom alerted that I was at her house. She lived in a huge, gated house and the driveway was packed with cars. I could hear laughing coming from behind the house and I instantly became nervous. I stood in her front lawn for as few moments giving myself a pep talk. I’ve never been this nervous to see Jessica before so why should this be any different. Somehow my feet began to move toward the gate leading to the back yard.

>>633742
Jessica was standing by the outdoor bar and was surrounded by people I noticed from school. I stood by the gate for a moment, not knowing what to do until she noticed me and waved me over. I made my way up to her and she gave me a hug. I felt as if I was floating on air. The people around us slowly left and did their own thing at the party but Jessica stayed by my side. There was some alcohol at the party but she only drank water. We sat under the stars all night talking and laughing at the drunken people. After the last guest had left around 3am I stayed to help her clean up. We had finally put the last plastic red cup in the trash and we were exhausted. I didn’t want to leave. I was falling for Jessica and I was falling so fast. My prayers were answered when Jessica invited me in to watch a movie. She put in her favorite movie that also just so happened to be in my top 10 favorite movies of all time. We sat on the couch and shared a blanket. As the movie played we slowly fall asleep. I think that was the best sleep I had ever gotten.

When I woke up around 8am, I found Jessica wrapped in my arms. It was awkward that I woke up before her because I didn’t know what to do. She looked so peaceful when she slept that I didn’t want to disrupt her. I shifted one of my arms slowly but not slow enough. Even the slightest move made Jessica wake up. Seeing her beautiful blue eyes staring at me and I lost in them forever. We both didn’t move for a few seconds until she leaned in and kissed me. It was a soft kiss. I feel that we could have stayed in each other’s arms forever. Jessica’s stomach started to growl so we got up and made an awesome batch of pancakes. But some part of me was still wondering about Jessica. Was she really evil as I first had thought?

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

This reminds me of my own time in Creative Writing Class anon. Shit drove me nuts.

>>633745
After we cleaned up from breakfast I had to ask about her past. I told her everything that I knew. She just sat there, staring at me, while I explained how worried I was for her. When I was done there was silence. I instantly hated myself for bring up her past but there was no going back. Jessica finally spoke in a soft voice explaining that she wasn’t that person anymore. She has changed and is still working on becoming a better person. She explained that has been going to therapy and is now five months sober. She had gotten involved with a guy from the bad part of town and things spiraled out of control. She cut her old life off once she realized that road was taking her nowhere in life. She got her act together and gained her old life back. I was so happy that Jessica was a different person than who she seemed to be. She was happy to know that I was worried about her but there was no need to worry. Jessica confessed to me that ever since I started working at her uncle’s store she has her eye on me. She walked me out to my car and left me with the most wonderful kiss. We said goodbye until later tonight for our date. The funny thing is is that Jessica referred to her old self as her evil twin.

FIN.

What should I tell this girl?

>Before I could come to a conclusion my Tom-tom alerted that I was at her house.

What the fuck is this supposed to mean?

Is this supposed to be a short story?

like a floor tom?

Be brutally honest, but don't be mean. I've been in my fair share of classes like this, and the best way to critique a shit sandwich like this one is to start from the beginning and literally tell the writer where things go wrong, offering up suggestions or alternative ideas as you see fit.

Having the first word in a short story called 'Jessica' be Jessica? Seems a little redundant don't you think?

>>633770
Yes.

>>633762
Tom-Tom is some really sophisticated GPS car thing. It talks to you and shit.

>>633771
I think his car is like nightrider and that's the name of his car.

>>633755
Show don't tell Show don't tell Show don't tell Show don't tell Show don't tell Show don't tell Show don't tell Show don't tell Show don't tell Show don't tell Show don't tell.

Seriously this person needs to pick up a Writing for Dummies book and start at the bare beginning.

The way I dealt with stuff like this was by taking each line and asking questions.

>Ever since that party I was sort of attached to Jessica.
How come? Her lips? Her ass? Her voice? The way she walked? The pimple on her forehead?

>I continued to watch this happen until I finally got up the nerve to confront her at the end of junior year.
Did you read the bible? Listen to motivational tapes on loop as you slept? WTF did you do?

And so on and so forth.

I came all over this girl's butt once..

not as bad as "I'll have a latte with a double shot of self-realization"
shit that thread was awesome
but the 4chanarchive guys didnt put it in because it wasn't meme-faggotry

There needs to be dialog and action; otherwise, there is no story. This is just summery and shit. Tell her to expand the story, add detail, suspense, dialog, and emotions.

This story needs more Dr. Kashmir.

SHOW DON'T TELL, YOU PATHETIC PIECE OF SHIT.
Christ! I wrote better stories in primary school- I'm not exaggerating.

>>It was a soft kiss. I feel that we could have stayed in each other’s arms forever. Jessica’s stomach started to growl
Oh, god. lol

>>633790
Oh god that fucking thread was hilarious. They didn't archive that? Fuck them.

>>633797
>> This is just summery and shit
>>just summery
>>summery
SPELLING BEE CHAMP STRIKES AGAIN!!!

>>633802
He might be talking about Jessica's summery dress...

>>633801
we should set up an auto-archiver like /a/ has with easymodo

>>633802
you forgot
>dialogue.

>>633802
I was referring to the atmosphere of the story. It's too lighthearted and sounds like the plot for a Lifetime movie.

OP here.

I got more for you guys.

Here's one that I got from breaking into this girl's archival account online thing. She sits right next to me. She is weird as fuck.

Title: "Death Paper"

If you could live forever would you? It seems to me that this event has occurred at least once to my knowlage. For I am sitting here at this precise moment to tell you this tale. Am I not? My name is Rosalie Carpathia. I am over three centuries old, but I did die once. It was in the 17th century I was accused of being a witch. So, the town folk had gathered to watch my sentence. The town officals called for the gaurds to pull me out of the cell in which I was being held. It was in the town square right next to the backery and the Smithers shops. That the townspeople witnessed my death. I still remember it was judt beginning to be spring and I could hear the birds off in the distant. I could also hear people mummering my name and how they knew something was not right about me and others saying they were astonished I was up there. I could think nothing besides that this was the way it was. Personaly shocked yes but not shakeable. I could not possibly get out of this now I thought. This is it. The man pulled the lever and sent me to my dimise. It happened very quickly. My lung capasity faultured making it harder to breathe and I felt a strange coldness to me. My pulse slowly dieing. I stared at these people whom were my own and felt nothing but hatred. I was a nobel woman brought up by a rich father. At mere age of 17, I was accused of witchery. My father was there that day and said nothing to my defense. Which only angered me more. I should have held respect from these people not contempt.

>>633815
Hey, get off my ass. I said I'm the fucking spelling bee champ not the dictionary champ

>>633818
>>whom were my own
Okay, I got this far with nothing more than feelings of pity, and then I just exploded with rage.

>>633790

>I'll have a latte with a double shot of self-realization

I really wish I could read the thread that gave birth to such a line. Fuck.

>>633823
You're the one who got on my ass first, dick.

>>I should have held respect from these people not contempt.
What the fuck does that even mean? People 'hold respect' FOR people, not FROM them. Unless she means she held her respect from them as in she kept the respect (for whatever) a secret. But if so, wat???

>>633818
OP, are any of these typed? There are so many fucking grammatical errors and mispellings that I feel the need to punch a hole through my face.. Has no one ever heard of spell-check?

>>633839
I think she meant "had respect". I think.

>>633829
Even though, after dictionary.com'ing the definition of summery, I'm even more confused.. BUT WHATEVS, let's make out?

>>633845
Yerino.
I forgot to add, OP. Thanks for sharing these. I suddenly feel much better about my own writing.
Very inspiring, brother.

OP here again. This is the last really funny one I could find. But here you have it. A play by our previous author, called "Creative Writing Catastrophe"

Allison, Phil, Hope and Ashley are hanging out on a camping trip working on their creative writing play for Mrs. Tang’s class, stumped at what to write about. They are all at a cabin and there is no one around for a few miles. They sit around in a circle, stumped on what to write.
Allison: I can’t believe this assignment is due in two days. What are we going to write about?
Hope: Do you guys have any idea? Everyone shakes their head
Ashley: (Changing the subject) Hey did you guys hear about the murderer on the news?
Phil: No, what about him?
Ashley turns on the nearby television. They all watch the news in silence.
Phil: Whoa he killed three people?
Hope: He hasn’t been caught yet?
Ashley: Nope. That’s the crazy part. He’s still out there somewhere.
Hope: That’s insane.
Phil: Does it say where it was at? They stop to watch the news again.
Allison: Interrupting the discussion about the murderer. Murderer or not, we still have to work on this play. They all get back to work on the play, and as they’re working, they hear a knock at the door.
Phil: What was that?
Allison: Maybe it was the wind.
Ashley: Phil, go check.
Phil: (goes to the door and opens it to look outside. No one’s there so he closes the door and walks back over to the group) There’s no one there.
Hope: I guess it was the wind then.
Ashley: That is not normal.
Phil: I’m going to make sure everything is locked up. He goes around to check the windows and doors. Everything’s locked.

>>633856
what he said

>>633858
The lights go out, and all of them gasp or yelp.
Allison: Maybe the wind caused it.
Hope: Or what if the murderer is outside?
Phil: Why would the murderer be around here?
Hope: Well he could be anywhere; he’s on the run.
Ashley: Goes to look outside the window. I don’t see anything but creepy woods. Maybe the murderer is out there.
Allison: Do remember anything else about the murderer?
Ashley: Nothing that I can think of. But then I think it did mention that it was from around here.
Allison: The door flies open and they all jump. There’s a figure standing in the doorway. Run! They all run off stage into the next room, shut the door behind them and lock the door.
Hope: What are we going to do? That has to be the murderer!
Phil: We just have to think this through. Can someone call the police?
Ashley: Pulls out her cell phone and tries to call them. There’s no service.
Allison: Well this is the perfect time to be stuck in a dead zone.
Hope: Leans by the door and tries to listen. I don’t hear anything. They all become silent and listen for any sounds. Maybe we should try to leave.
Phil: Let’s figure out where he’s at. He opens the door and looks through. He ushers everyone else to follow. They make it to the next room, shut the door behind them and look around. Allison is dragged off stage.
Hope: Where’d Allison go?
Ashley: I didn’t hear her leave the room.

>>633850
That sounds like a plan. We can do it in the dark.

>>633863

Hope: What if she’s still back there?
Phil: We need to keep going. They look around and try to find a way out of the next room.
Hope: What was that?
Phil: It’s coming from the other room. Let’s get out of here! They run into the next room of the cabin, but it’s a dead end.
Hope: What are we going to do now!
Ashley: I don’t know. Are there any windows in here we can climb out of? They look around the room and realize that now it’s just the two of them.
Hope: Phil’s gone too!
Ashley: There’s no way out; were trapped! The figure comes in the room, and they both get pushed down to the floor.


Ashley: sits up in their bed, terrified. They look around, confused, and realize they are all by them self and that the whole thing was a dream. That was so real! They realize it’s the next day, and the creative writing play is due. Oh man I forgot all about the play! An idea comes to mind. But at least now I know what to write about.

>>633864
My house or yours? Preferably whichever one is less...... summery

OP, are there any good or at least decent writers in your class?

>>633858
Oh, lawds. I didn't see where that was going after the third line...
And I don't get it. They're in a cabin? With nobody else around for miles, to write a play for school?

>>633873
Well, I live in Florida, so my house would be way too summery. You know how lightharded and summery we Florida people are.

>>633876
Fuck yes.

Creative Writing teachers must be the happiest people alive.

>>633867
OH GOD WHAT A SHOCKING AND ORIGINAL TWIST.

>>But at least now I know what to write about.

Ohyou.jpg

>>633882
Start trekking to Illinois then, I'll be waiting for you, my prince

>>633900
I'm glad such beautiful things came out of this thread. It created love.

>>633900
I'll be there soon my princess. (You're a girl, right?)

>dis thread

>>633908
if by girl you mean I'm a girl with a penis and no breasts.. OF COURSE

>>633914
Sounds good to me. I'll be in Chicago in July for the Cap'n Jazz reunion show, anyways. See ya then my princess with penis and lack of breasts!

>>633914
man, you must be one ugly girl.

>>633885
I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING

>>633931
Nah, I ain't bad..

>>633867
That...That's the end?

>>633818
>I should have held respect from these people not contempt.

THAT'S THE FUCKING END???

Hahaha oh god. Tell her she should just kill herself.

bump

quit yer bitching OP and suck it up. I am willing to bet you write shit.

OP, show us yer opus, ja?

>>634079
>>634064
you guys are actually defending this literary defecation?

>>634084
I'm not even bothering to read it. But I've done this shit OP, you just gotta fucking deal with it and grow a backbone, goddamned slug

OP here. Found one more. It's called "Evil Twin"

My twin and I are not identical. We have nothing in common. Our personalities are opposite as well as our looks. I am tall and thin with deep brown eyes and long wavy chocolate brown hair. She is short and obese and has light blue eyes and short golden blonde hair.
I can be shy and quiet at times but she is always loud and loves to be the center of attention. She is mean to people and is really rude. She doesn’t have any true friends. She cannot get along well with others. I am smart and get good grades. She is stupid and doesn’t care about school. She despises reading and books. She hates the outdoors and stays inside all the time. She doesn’t like to travel and is afraid of flying. However, she is not afraid of the dark or spiders. She cannot dance and for this reason thinks it is dumb. She is not athletic at all. She hates running and is a couch potato. My favorite TV show is GLEE. She absolutely hates that show and believes it is the worst show ever. She also dislikes classic Disney movies because she thinks they are only for little kids. While I happen to love them. Music is also something she dislikes greatly.
These are just a few of the endless ways that my twin and I are different. We have nothing in common. Our personalities and looks are both opposite. My EVIL twin and I.

>>634084
No, we just think you're an asshole for shitting over someone else when your writing is as bad or worse. Get a new hobby that isn't worrying about other people's problems. Fix your own first.

>>634104
two instances of ad hominem:

you assume my writing is bad
you assume I'm the OP

>>634104
Yeah except for the fact that OP never did that. All he did was show us the fucking writings and ask our opinion on them.

>>634122
Maybe he or she thinks that by showing them, you're saying they are bad, because, you know...

>>634104

OP here: I have no problems regarding this. I attend creative writing workshops because I enjoy criticising others' writing. My own writing is shoddy. I don't mind this, nor do I mind that you think I'm an asshole (actually I only wrote this because it would obviously infuriate you).

>>634144
That's not me. But whatever. My writing isn't nearly THIS shoddy. But I'm not claiming to be an artist.