/lit/ - Literature

>>6155749

No "w" in "flea-ridden". Other than that, perfect. You are the voice of your generation.

>With ravenous impatience
>Said in Fury

>>6155749
>A person would be seriously disturbed to stumble upon the folder that contained those videos on her computer.

I feel you don't need this sentence. Introduce the folder in a different way but don't tell the reader how people will respond. Make the reader respond in that way.

>>6156023
i don't mind it. i read it in a sort of, tongue-in-cheek way.

>>6155749
>want to finger bang right now

uses term only used on South Park

it's finger fuck you queer

Jesus Christ, your prose is terrible and generic, like a talentless highschooler being forced into a creative writing assignment. Your prose should reflect your own style of speech, and be unique from any other author's. Anybody with a thesaurus can develop vocabulary, focus on reading more (start with books that have relatively simplistic vocabulary like Slaughter-House Five or One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest) and studying how authors stylistically convey the plot to the reader. I'd recommend finding a book you enjoy, then choose one or two chapters out of that book. Write down major happenings in the chapter/, summarize the chapter, then rewrite the chapter based on the plot events you wrote down and your summary of the chapter. Notice how you and the author differ in their writing techniques, what makes their chapter more interesting to read compared to the chapter you wrote yourself.

>>6156108
Could you please provide a textual example and explain as to why you think OPs excerpt has bad prose?

Be frank with me, that's just inane pasta isn't it? You're just a TTKM aren't you?

>>6156126
>as to why you think OPs excerpt has bad prose

as soon as I stopped reading in the middle of it

god awful writing
tripe
dreck

you stupid faggots, this shit is old pasta

>>6156126
It's boring anon, taste is almost entirely subjective. The subject matter is interesting enough, but the way in which OP delivers it is generic and frankly, somewhat patronizing.
>How the fuck is it patronizing? Are you retarded?
No, I'm not, the vocabulary used in the passage seems to indicate that the author is relatively intelligent, but believes the reader is a brain dead moron incapable of inferring things for themselves. For example, the reader doesn't need to be told they sound like misguided tweens, if the author wanted to give that impression he should be able to convey that without explicitly stating it, which he does a mediocre job at. Another example of the author spoon-feeding the reader would be during the dialogue between the two characters, the reader doesn't want to hear that Bertrand said something "in fury", that sounds like a god damn court transcript. Instead, the author should've explained her body language, which would indicate that she was angry. All I'm saying is that there's more than one way to convey a character's emotion's to the reader other than spoon-feeding it to them, and that OP shouldn't treat his audience like autists incapable of inferring things that aren't spoon-fed to them. Subtlety nigga, it goes a long way.

"So, we gonna uhh -- get a man on, second this inning?" Bertrand managed to squeak to Calenda, who had one of her sweaty palms gently wrapped around the side of Bert's face and another gripping his knee for dear life.

"W-What?" Calenda replied, sinking her nails into Bert's leg, tightening her grip on his face, and awkwardly inching her lips slightly closer to his

"You know -- the umm… thing you wanted to do, today, when we were alone."

"Oh, the thing with our," she started to say before trailing off and glancing at the floor, loosening her grip on his neck and leg.

"Yeah -- that," Bert said with a forced half-smile.

Calenda reluctantly unbuttoned her pants and and guided Bert's hand towards her unkempt vulva, Calenda wasn't aroused in the slightest at the moment, but she knew her biological clock was ticking, and that if she didn't put out soon then Bert might misconstrue her timidness for disinterest. Calenda had never had a man take interest in her before, as her childhood and adolescence was spent indulging revolting fetishes in the seclusion of her bedroom, not too unlike Bert. Unlike Bert, however, she had a fondness for disease ridden, blood-sucking, monstrous, beasts with wings who multiplied by the millions and resided within stagnated pools of water. She welcomed the winged terrors with open arms, allowing them to kiss every square inch of her body and take residence in her beverages after they were done. She cherished each and every tiny red love mark the small insects left behind when they had their fill of her succulent blood and made a point of photographing every last on of them. She had thousands of photographs saved on her computer's hard drive, each and every single one accompanied by the date the photo was taken and a brief comment regarding the bite, usually attributing the bite to a certain insect she had taken a liking to and decided to name. The relationship was equal parts sexual and familial for Calenda, who enjoyed simultaneously being degraded by the famished beasts and used as a feeding ground, and having complete and total control over whether the insects lived or died, and took great pride in her role as the "Mosquito Matriarch".

>>6156476
and a single bump, because I wasted an hour of my life writing this shit and want feedback. I realize it could be better with just a little bit of editing and refinement but I've already wasted enough time writing about a disgusting NEET with a mosquito fetish for the day.