/lit/ - Literature

>carnal pleasures

>>6111494
lol

>>6111494
top kek

On the other hand, the full image of the OP is possibly the hottest image ever created

Ironic would be the best way to describe his looks. Tall as the tales he tells. A bit taller, maybe. Neither was desired. Eyes like malnourished ferns and concrete. Hair below the shoulders hidden behind his head. Handsome. Disheveled. Young. Distant. Voice, deep; seldom heard, less so listened to.

inb4 bullies

>>6111485
gonna need sauce

>>6111494
>There is no uniquely feminine essence that exists independently of cultural conditioning.

Except biology. Biology breeds culture. Culture breeds norms. Norms breed conditioning.

I touched my pepe to my anusnus. My poopoo went squishquish and my ickyicky went sploorge-sploorge.

>>6111742
- Thomas Pynchon.

Where the chapel you can see the end and through the city you can always see me there.

Not as thick as long I'm afraid, but at least just like a million-inch snake you can see me rest, for too long it is to my house alone thus I leave it there, throught the park and the streets under the light and the sun.

And since I remember those who saunter near my city find more than one way to use it. Some people sit in it for it is soft and comfy, others take a nap above and others cook near since any food you have after a slight rub with mine will be sweety and salty.

>>6111738
>Biology breeds culture. Culture breeds norms. Norms breed conditioning.

I really, really, really like this comment.

>>6111738
>Biology breeds culture
I haven't been on /lit/ in a while is this an epic new meme?

>>6111485
So some jack-off flannel scarecrow was sitting across from me, mouthbreathing and picking his lips, and I was all "bitch use some chapstick don't pick at your lips in public" but of course he just kept going, staring at my shoes and flicking bits of skin around. Had faggy greasy hair too, sliming up his face and making his glasses slide down his nose. Fucking amazing, these people are. No self awareness.

>>6111742

/lit/

>>6111738
>Except biology. Biology breeds culture. Culture and biology breeds norms. Norms breed conditioning.

Fixed

Biology is an intersubjective discourse
it doesn't 'breed' anything other than its own results

My body is a temple. The Cross is my dick.

>>6111485
Shy as beaten homeless dogs who are whipped for their mere sight and smell that lingers in the minds of the beholders like a morning fog over cities, he is. He is a clean freak; he wakes every morning to clean the dirt trail from his feet that followed him into the bed to only then clean his bed and after make it. His voice, when heard and not often, is solemn from years of complete solitude within his clean white washed walls and that books that line them. Bearded, skinny, and tall with a hunched back, he can be seen in a corner near the paperbacks, only distinguishable from the books with a double take.

>>6111803
Just as norms "breed" conditioning in a metaphorical sense, so do, culture and biology, conjoined, breed norms, in a metaphorical sense.

You are wrong to assert that norms can come about by means of culture alone, since there is no culture without culture-producers, which are, well, biological creatures.

Culture is not autonomous.

The gangling teenager wiped his sweat-coated palms against his old jeans. The day had arrived for his diagnosis, and he was fearful. 'Could I really be autistic?,' he ruminated anxiously. In order to distract himself, he picked up his copy of Infinite Jest - which was always carried with him - and as with any of his literature, pretended to read it.

You could look over him. Pale, normal enough hair, an uneven shave.

He's walking on the other side of the street with a disconnected expression, a slight smirk vainly covering nothing.

>>6111835
First third of that came out unnecessarily awkward
First sentence should read
>Just as norms "breed" conditioning in a metaphorical sense, so do culture and biology, conjoined.

Brown short-ish untidy hair; almost-black eyes. "Hipster" glasses: Nose just a little too round to be worth mentioning. - Full mouth, big ears, expressionless gaze.
Slender body ever crouched and folded; attempting, awkwardly, to hide within itself. Bulging veins on the lower extremities, suggesting vitality but likely caused by hypotension. Not someone you would remember.

>>6111835

'biological creatures' can only be described as such within the dominant framework of biology, i.e. the normative schools of thought which aim to study life processes naturally using scientific methodology. In some sense culture is produced and invests its modes of production in individuated desiring-producers, i.e. social agents, the sum total of whose actions and motions enable a study of the discourse of cultural norms vis a vis an historiographic or sociological lens

>>6111655
8/10 I like it

>>6111655
>seldom heard, less so listened to.
cry me a river / 10

>>6111756
nothing special, kinda liked it

>>6111781
awkward.

>>6111830
too eager but enjoyable.

>>6111839
very nice / 10

>>6111850
i think that's the best one so far.

>>6111874
That's trivial. Nowhere did I disagree about that in any of my posts. By whole point was that biology should have been conjoined with culture, since culture does not come out of nothing.

Perhaps a minor quibble, however: aren't you unnecessarily anthropomorphizing culture by ascribing it properties that only humans are capable of carrying out? (I am talking about culture being able to "invest")

But that's just me, preferring literal speech over metaphorical.

>>6111850
bretty gud

Tumbling through the door with an involuntary spring in his gait, a kind of cosmo kramer swagger-
awkward and arhythmic- he stepped in, stare fixed on the least populated corner of the room, clasping at his hands nervously. He wore a sordid grey hoodie which looked as if it hadn't been washed since the elections- Reagan's, and began, with that piston spring in full force, to make his way to the back of the line, making a strenuous effort to avoid all eye contact. Even with the hood on, the grease in his face reflected an impressive amount of light off his hazelnut face. Well, impressive might not be the right word. More like a curious amount of light, thought any stray cat's curiosity towards this awkward figure would sooner hang itself than persist upon catching whiff of the ranking B.O. emanating from the gas leaks under his arms.

>>6112097
>thought any stray cat's curiosity
though*

Slavic features balanced atop a runner's frame. Shaped like a bobblehead, but not as steady. When he walked, there was power in his runner's stride, but at rest, his legs seemed almost to vibrate, rocking back and forth to an invisible beat. It was unnerving when he didn't smile and awkward when he did, but when he smiled there was at least sincerity in his endless shuffling.

He was looking something like cinnamon Egon Spengler, sweet and nerdy-- most people seemed to consider him handsome. Neither fat nor skinny, fairly trim, good Morrisey hair, roundish tummy, no chest hair like his father.
He has wanted to change his expensive japanese glasses frames for years but never will.

Under black light his hands and floor appear engulfed by neon stain.

>>6111485

The saddle of the 685 Dickeys, Original fit, which had worn opaque and baby-blanket soft had to go. I've gotten fatter since living closer to work. The sit bones, crotch, undercarriage of my pants goes first on these last pairs. I've grafted a pair together from a front that was ruined by resin, Khaki against blue on the bottom along the seam which awkwardly gives the impression of chaps worn asslessly. It was the work that moved closer to me, and so thumb shuffling the folded pants in the Men's clothing department of Walmart, I go from 32, to 33.

>>6112194
super shit m8

>>6112235
i'm not surprised, I've never written anything before

He had a long face with inconspicuous features, hollow cheeks, and indifferent eyes. When he walked he floated, when he talked he fumbled. He moved through life like a ghost, never seen, never heard, often forgotten.

skinny-obese body and triple chins from being a fat lazy sack of shit, hunched back from lyring in bed al day with my laptop just closer to my face than my dick, so my boner hides behind the multitab porn display
short hair from doing it myself to save money, nicotine stained hands that quiver constantly from the perpetual benzo withdrawal and relief
today it's hot and my body is sweating, making me reek because i literally haven't showered in like 8 days, and my chin and necks stubble is turning into beard
perhaps I should leave the house, or at least wash. perhaps not

The sway of his gargantuan penis was hypnotic. One could hardly tear their eyes away from the beast as it dangled and swung like a pendulum, and a pendulum it was as the length of the thing was akin to that of time itself.
He had a sculpted classical physique, with hair of spun gold. Behind him trailed a gaggle of females, each following upon their hands and knees, with slack jaws and lagging tongues hanging limply from their mouths.

Stocky with a gait claiming purpose, but eyes that said otherwise. Denim jacket with dress shoes that add an inch. Sloping jawline, a face like wax that reminds you of biting into decorative apples.

There was nothing remarcable about him, really. Approaching his 30s, his scruffy beard and unruly hair gave the impression of a mad scientist escaped from one of those 1950s pulp novels.

A pair of thick black frames hung over his nose, like a camouflage allowing him to move undetected in the hipster circles we frequented.

The only giveaway was the fire I could see in his dark eyes, sometimes it was barely an ember, but at times you could see the passion shining so bright it could melt the eternal snows of the Himalayas.

I liked him exactly because of his duallity. His rugged face, permanently locked into a frown, gave the idea of a man trapped in a constant struggle with himself.

He was so ordinary, yet for precious few seconds he could sell you on the idea that he was capable of achieving absolutely everything he set his mind to.

I still don't know whether it was all an illusion or not, but when those charcoal eyes pierced me I could not help but warm myself in such extraordinary fire.

[I got carried away. Yes, it's pretentious. No, I don't really think so highly of myself]

There was nothing remarkable about him, really. Approaching his 30s, his scruffy beard and unruly hair gave the impression of a mad scientist escaped from one of those 1950s pulp novels.

A pair of thick black frames hung over his nose, like a camouflage allowing him to move undetected in the hipster circles we frequented.

The only giveaway was the fire I could see in his dark eyes, sometimes it was barely an ember, but at times you could see the passion shining so bright it could melt the eternal snows of the Himalayas.

I liked him exactly because of his duallity. His rugged face, permanently locked into a frown, gave the idea of a man trapped in a constant struggle with himself.

He was so ordinary, yet for precious few seconds he could sell you on the idea that he was capable of achieving absolutely everything he set his mind to.

I still don't know whether it was all an illusion or not, but when those charcoal eyes pierced me I could not help but warm myself in such extraordinary fire.

[I got carried away. Yes, it's pretentious. No, I don't really think so highly of myself]

>>6111485
>>6111599
why do niggers here never provide sauce

>>6112281

> no allusion to Pit and the Pendulum

6/10

>>6112302
this really is astonishingly bad

>>6112599
>sauce
look it up on tineye.com nigga

>>6111756
Are the rhymes intentional?

Not even one remarkable feature, people often say he remind'em someone they know. A generic face he jokes.
Popular name, maybe 2 in each 10. Witty comments fast paced, his feelings concealed in irony and dismay.
Good habits aren't his personal hability, serial day killer. Can express himself properly while writing, but shiver and fear while talking.

He could keep rattling drafting writing on, but unfortunately he's bound to smoke a joint.

>>6112599
Cause then someone who uses niggers outside of /b/ might be rewarded

>>6112194
I'm worried about how he knows his father's chest is hairless

>>6111485
>having sex
>2015
ishygddt

>>6111485

http://www.trahun.tv/contents/albums/main/700x525/10000/10599/109996.jpg

straight from the bowels of mother russia

he is long-small and gracile. he has the body of a boy and the stare of a man. he is of short stature. there is a constrained angularity, or even a sharpness, to his body's frame. modest paddings of muscle pump and pull on his upper legs, shoulders and torso. atop his long neck is a mass of coarse curls that are laid to the scalp only by water. dry air lifts his hair, as if drawn upon by fingers.

>>6112926
Damn, even average ruskies get the model-tier grills

There he sat, his bald sweaty head glistening in the sunlight, face disfigured and almost unrecognizable. Veins popping out from his temples and an autistic fire that seemed to rise in his eyes. Why, there was only one way to describe this baneful fellow: a big guy, for you.

Red haired and bloody handed;
What joy escapes the reaper,
who fells the oak as the daisy?

All things being equal; a synthesis of worm and man; lower than the lowest, might yet make a king of himself.

And yet, his long hands hold naught but air. So he furrows his brow; white as sea-foam, as his castles burn.

And all his silken fineries burn with him.

>>6111485
Fatarse, large and doughy through the middle, and a lot of weight all through the body. Big, round, tuber-like face with a big, round nose. Long arms and short legs on a barrel-like body. Just a rotund motherfucker.

>>6112989
Russia has a pretty old-fashioned dating system going on.

Sweater longer than arms, face forward. Hands, oversized, precise, rest on keyboard. Entire floor covered with old clothes (all at least four sizes too large), insulating the room, making up for the lack of heat. I sit, hair in eyes (casting dirty blonde over vision), cold.

I look like the David bitches

>>6112989
>>6113083
>Model-tier grills
>Dating
Russia is like everywhere. The average/dumpy/old dudes hire pretty girls to "perform" in films and photo sessions.

>>6113120
Russia is really not like everywhere, have you ever talked to someone from the country or dated one? They're at least 60 years in the past in a lot of ways, especially where gender roles are concerned. (note that I'm not passing judgment)

One way this manifests is in the type of hyper masculinity that attracts a significant portion of straight women if only for a period, without much question as to how 'pretty' the guy is.

>>6113151
So did you expect them to put out Bettie Page kind of porn?
Porn. It's porn. I was talking about porn.

>>6111494
>There is no uniquely feminine essence that exists independently of cultural conditioning
Do people actually believe this nonsense?

>>6111792
This is much better. You could add that culture influences biology. Which is a big part of the androgynification of our society.

>>6113266
>culture influences biology
More or less the most intellectually important field of study in recent history. And we've learnt basically nothing

The periorbital dark circles, often confused with mascara due to the intensity of the shade, was the sole feature of this otherwise blank canvas of a man.

That's my paragraph. How was it? Can you guess what I'm like?

>>6113151
>They're at least 60 years in the past in a lot of ways, especially where gender roles are concerned.
homosexuality was seen as okay in late 1800 Germany. Progress is just cyclical unrelated changes tied together with a narrative.

>>6113298
I don't disagree there anon. I tried to make that clear with the parentheses

>>6111494
this website sux

>>6111494
>Schopenhauer and Nietzsche in heaven
As if.

>>6111655
>Ironic would be the best way to describe his looks
How many fedoras do you own?

>>6111712
Can we focus on this please.

He's ugly. Cowled, hunched over his chair like all the bad things in life have settled on his soft, vein-y shoulders that were once stretched too much by cycles of obesity. Now they were simply ungainly and didn't match his fat-rod frame. There's no curves to him, good or bad. He's lost the weight but didn't bother to find anything else to replace it with. Now he's old - too old to change, too old to care. He's wallowing in it. You can see it every time he sneaks from his room to the shower or goes to put on another heavy jacket to hide what passes for his body. Always tugging at the sleeves and the hem and the collar to hide all the shameful parts he doesn't want anyone to see; all the parts he never bothered to fix. It's his own fault, and he's not blaming anyone, but it still weighs. The pounds are gone, but they're still there he looks in the mirror.

>>6113373
use reverse image search you lobotomized nigger

>>6113256
most western women believe quite literally in spite of themselves

>>6111655
>Tall as the tells he tells
>Eyes like malnourished ferns
>Parallel syntax
>Self-pity
Come on now

>>6111830
>That overwrought simile
Stop

>>6111850
>vainly conveying nothing
>Vainly
One word less and it would have been good.

>>6111865
>Not even complete sentences
Come on now, this is supposed to be prose, not a grocery list

>>6112097
very overwritten
your sentences are too long
your syntax is also weird and unaesthetic
read a style guide

always alternating between a look of terror and complete control, always blurry, always in between descriptive words; pretty, ugly, goofy, demure, trim, towering, indecisive and dominating. would probably make a good friend, albeit not a close one, an auxiliary companion for adventure and maybe a good talk now and then but not much else. wherever he is now it's probably raining.

i fuckin love being abstract tbh

>>6112129
This is nothing special, but it might have been okay if you used complete sentences

>>6112194
The first two sentences are decent, last one is purple garbage.

>>6112599
>>6111712
http://www.coedcherry.com/galleries/50852

now to find the video...

>>6112272
>inconspicuous features
Lazy description
>That simile
awful

Middle sentence is good


>>6113402
>>6113411
>>6113414
>>6113418
These are me too btw

>>6113437
meant for >>6112245

>>6112599
>>6111712
http://img20.pixroute.com/i/00634/2t8op9it0cfc.jpg

>>6112272
This is great
You sound like a DFW character
I don't like last sentence tho, not super evocative

>>6112281
This is writing that could only ever be appreciated on 4chan, but it's good for what it is. You're probably a good writer.

>>6112294
Generic canned descriptions+overwrought simile= ?

>>6112302
>1st simile
okay I guess
>second simile
pretty funny honestly
>fire in his eyes
awful cliche
>so bright it could...
bad
>I liked him exactly because of this duality
cut. show, don't tell
>the idea of a man trapped in a constant struggle with himself
I kind of like this
>this next line
nonspecific
>charcoal eyes
>warm myself in his fire
cliches

A mixed bag. Read this and I could see you being decent:
http://inyer.org/downloads/How_Fiction_Works.pdf

>>6112785
>Not even one remarkable feature
This describes nobody. Nothing is generic. Nonspecificity is the #1 sin of literature.
And the rest sounds like slam poetry, which is bad

>>6113465
>this entire post
You have been completely ruined by modern schooling

>>6112956
I like that you use short sentences, but
>you're too reliant on adjectives
>last sentence has bad syntax.
>body of a boy/stare of a man sounds cliche

>>6112997
Authentically and enjoyably shitty 4chan writing

>>6113043
Is this supposed to be poetry? This is basically incomprehensible to me.

>>6113092
I want to hatefuck your awful syntax

>>6113099
Unimpeachable

>>6113295
>Blank canvas of a man
And here we go again with the lazy total lack of specificity

I'm guessing you have a micropenis

>>6113375
I liked the first three sentences, but it was downhill from there

every time I scroll by this picture I get vaguely depressed and frustrated

She gave the impression of being an awfully dull sort of woman -- and though woman she was, she seemed terribly immature. She had a childish figure with a bare face. A shame, too. She could have done with some makeup, with those dark circles and all. She had low, heavy-set brows and her forehead was riddled with clusters of whiteheads. She picked at one of them until it bled. Disgusting. I wish I could kill her.

>>6113500

go to bed butters

>>6113500
>First two sentences
SHOW DON'T TELL
But after that it's good. I like how you assertively characterize your narrator.

He had a bland but pleasingly symmetrical face that could be called handsome only at a distance. If you looked closely, you could see white flakes of skin, dry from lack of sebum, peeling at the corners of his nose and between his eyebrows. If he had neglected to check his face in the mirror for too long a time, a tuft of hair would soon emerge from one of his nostrils like the tip of a paintbrush. That hygiene took so much effort was a source of continual exasperation for him. No one was more self-conscious about his own face. For years, when he went out in public, he would excuse himself for a trip to the restroom whenever he was seized by a moment of paranoia about his appearance, as if he were a girl. Nowadays, he settled for wearing glasses with enormous black rectangular lenses that he hoped drew attention away from the sordid details.

>>6113509
You need to be mo' specific about his face shape
second sentence is great
>tip of a paintbrush
okay I guess
>this introduction of conflict
intriguing

>>6113506

Show don't tell is such useless advice. I usually anyone that spouts it has no idea how to construct good writing. Telling is regularly much better than showing

>>6113517
>woman
>doesn't understand how to write properly

I wish I could say it was a surprise.

>>6113517
It's an imperfect heuristic but it's true more often than not, and it's true in this case. The present description is bland and nonspecific, and it's not even really physical description, which is the point of this exercise.

>>6113517
I don't know. I certainly can see why it is desirable when it comes to describing personality and behavior based character traits, at least. It's a bad habit I fall into every once and a while and I'll own that.

He's twenty-one next Thursday, but looks more like 16--if parts of his face had aged twice as fast as others. His mother's imparted fat is still there in the cheeks, but fades into a tenebrism of sunken lids and wood-burnt sockets. Those were his mother's as well.
Tired, but aren't we all. Long oily hair, dirty fingernails, stubble, the hallmarks. He gets told, more than frequently, that he looks like that one guy from that one movie, only if he were less attractive and had the ill fortune of not being Ryan Gosling's fictional son. It might be because of the eyes.
Below that's a bit of a mess. The muscles are knitted wrong; some grow some don't. When he moves, especially bending to kneel, he sounds like a handful of oxycontin-sized riverstones tossed down the side of a concrete flood-control channel, the Tujunga Wash maybe. LA is just in his bones, and he desperately hates them for it.

>>6113522

No it's never true. Telling is always a valid option. She could have given some really beautiful and funny insight into this dull woman without ever telling us one of her mannerisms or about her appearance. The beauty of prose over every other artform is that you can tell and you can try to scratch the surface. You can't show people deeper truths about humanity by describing how dull their clothes are.

It's bad advice not only because it is never the case but because it makes people shittier writers.

>>6113525
>enebrism of sunken lids and wood-burnt sockets
this is purple prose, but everything was very good up until here
>Long oily hair, dirty fingernails, stubble, the hallmarks
Write in complete sentences. This type of syntax sounds amateurish.
>that one guy from that one movie,
be specific
>the long simile
overwrought, but sort of fun I guess. This is what they mean by "kill your darlings"
>City in his bones
cliche
overall p good

>>6113531
>that
>purple prose
Fuck you. Fuck off back to your animorphs books

>>6113528
And you make a really good argument. I don't know what to think anymore. Can I just blame the first sentence be based on the narrator being idly judgmental and make everyone happy?

>>6113537
>Be based
Oops, scratch that, I'm on mobile and can't see what I'm writing.

>>6113528
I mean, ugh, your position isn't totally illegitimate I guess. I mean, DFW, for example, is all about the telling.Good writers disagree on "show don't tell". Good telling is a lot harder than good showing, so it's good advice to beginners.I don't think anyone who is a decent writer and reads widely is going to be worse of with the maxim in the back of their mind. I might have wanted to say "be specific"above instead, to avoid this specific argument. Does this placate you?

>>6113536
It's an infinite and all-consuming purple chasm of despair. It would be laughed out of an intermediate workshop.

>>6113531
Fair enough, although we differ in some opinions. Thanks

>>6113536
I have an anon defending me holy shit

>>6112772
yes
are you saying it because you don't like them? :(

>>6113545
Sorry for being such a dick here

>>6113545

It doesn't really constitute "purple prose" though. It's one phrase that was imprecise and overly poetic. Reserve the label for when it actually fits.

>>6113555
>In literary criticism, purple prose is prose text that is so extravagant, ornate, or flowery as to break the flow and draw excessive attention to itself.[1] When it is limited to certain passages, they may be termed purple patches or purple passages, standing out from the rest of the work.

Can we just compromise and call it a purple patch?

>>6113551
I've got a thick enough skin, no worries

>>6113531
actually, I did have one question

I know I forced the "tenebrism" bit. Totally forced it, no excuses. However, if I got rid of it, replaced it with, say,
>contrasts with the sunken lids and wood-burnt sockets
or something like that, how much more palatable would it be? Because that was my original go of it.

>>6111485
The man laughed at his own callous joke. The group all froze together in the snow more before the bus arrived and the group filed on. Gordon found himself an open window seat towards the back away from all the other people and sat down. He laid his head down against the window and watched the bus continue on its route. As the buildings of town passed Gordon found himself remembering when he rode busses into grade school. The tired feeling crept back upon Gordon and when town had passed and the bus was on the highway Gordon fell asleep again.

He dreamed of people and places a lifetime ago. The woman whom flew helicopters and spotted fires, the dozers he ran pushing lumber to help contain the fire, and the eventual fiery affair they had. Gordon's memories were not dulled by the passage of time; his mind filled in forgotten details by enhancing the passion they'd felt. He'd replayed his past so many times in waking and in slumber that Gordon knew every ripple of the memories. When the bus pulled into the parking lot Gordon awakened exhausted.

>>6111485
A dog on the wind, a bucket of garbage, red dildos falling from his eyes, mandingo.

>>6114024
*mandinglydongle

Slouched half naked against the wall - his lean and muscular body looked as if it was as cut from marble. His Irish and Germanic heritage is strongly apparent in his handsome face, underlined by a jawline as clean cut as glass - set with murky green eyes which looked like muddy emeralds. The prominent vein's in his arms and hand's convulsed as he typed away, efficiently carrying the blood to and fro his calloused hands & crooked fingers. His cold, rational gaze would shift repeatedly between the computer screen and to miscellaneous objects scattered around the cell-like room - if he were to turn and look at you, you wouldn't know if it was a look of resentment or hospitality.

>>6111485
He stood there with slightly bent knees and forward protruding head, his uncharacteristically well kept and good looking hair reaching half down his back. His large belly was barely covered by his buttonless long coat. On closer inspection he was surprisingly broad shouldered and tall with legs as long as his upper body. His gaze shifted and head turned as he tried to pinpoint something interesting to look at with his brownish-green eyes. Slightly intimidating if you would come across him in a dark alley, but in broad daylight, a whimsical sight.

Soiled dishabille, down to the tattered boxers. A miasma of stale alcohol. Unkempt hair.

Beneath a white t-shirt, the vague contour of a human being.

There's always a sullen teenager who finds corners absolutely irresistable. This one in particular was of the cellphone-clutching variety, and had no discernible interest in talking to anyone, or even briefly looking up to survey the environment. That post? Irrelevant. No matter how much it hindered forward locomotion.

He lay cancer style on the couch, only moving when his lungs inflated with lazy breath and his alien flab became visible beneath his shirt. The ape man only left his chair to get pinchfuls of grated cheese from the fridge or to shudder out needles of shit. When he moved it was with a spine crooked from nights when his throat was full of his own cock. He was AIDS.

>>6112245
>>6113437
Revised.

He had a long, forgettable face with hollow cheeks, aquiline nose, and brown eyes. His feathery hair, constantly parted by his compulsive hand, was light brown. When he walked he floated, when he talked he fumbled. His more than average appearance was easily dismissed when he opened his mouth, like a floodgate, unleashing a torrent of nonsensical jumble.

He had a long, forgettable face with hollow cheeks, aquiline nose, and brown eyes. His hair was thin, brown and constantly parted by his compulsive hand. When he walked he floated, when he talked he fumbled. His more than average appearance was easily dismissed when he opened his mouth, like a floodgate, unleashing a torrent of nonsensical jumble.

>>6112245
>>6113437
Revised.

He had a long, forgettable face with hollow cheeks, aquiline nose, and brown eyes. His feathery hair, constantly parted by his compulsive hand, was light brown. When he walked he floated, when he talked he fumbled. His more than average appearance was easily dismissed when he opened his mouth, like a floodgate, unleashing a torrent of nonsensical jumble.

A handsome face, though depressed and depressing. The lithe figure of a marathon runner now swelled to over two hundred pounds, the fishy lips of an alcoholic, and the hazal, uncaring, drooping, and worn down eyes of somebody who stopped caring twenty years ago.

A figure rises from his stupor. He is dark and unshaven. His bristled jaw tightens, then slacks. Black and Peruvian blood, though he won’t say it. The war dance still echoes in some recondite corner of his brain.

He's wearing the curtains. They've been torn from the rod at his window. His eyes are shut, the blueveined lids squeezed tight against the sun.

>>6114598
Are you me?

He was his own white whale. Every piece of his form was too prominent; gut, chest, nose, chins; as though his body was conspiring against itself. When he entered a room he felt like a violation of his peer's human rights. In his mind he swore he could hear their annoyance and disgust, he dreaded to imagine what they really thought of him when his ballooning mass invaded their personal space. What might he have felt if he knew the truth? Would he be better or worse off for having known that in reality, no one was thinking of him at all?

>>6111485
His bangs hung over his forehead, a Beatles-esque mop top that would occasionally cloud his vision. His nose was hooked, and his lips curled at the edges into a sort of pseudo-smile, the way they sat causing the area around his mouth to puff out in an unsightly manner. He was rail-thin and stood with a slouch, and his face defaulted to a mopey look of boredom when left with nothing in particular to stimulate him. Tortoise-shell horn-rimmed glasses rested perfectly on his Hebrew schnoz, though he tended to break them quite often. His clothing made an unsuccessful attempt at fitting to his emaciated frame; his top silhouette would always flare out, to his chagrin. To put it succinctly, an unsightly-to-average individual who, if not for his generally outspoken and jovial nature, would most likely be laughed at for his appearance.

Boy walks like he's got a cock in his ass that's been there well beyond it's expiration date. I told him this year was going to be different. I said "Shave your ass, grease it up, and be a lot more lenient, or buddy, you're fucking history." He waddled away and I spit my skittles on the hot dry ground and they rolled away picking up dust as they went.

The morning began as always with a prayer. 'What a shitty day this is going to be,' he prayed. The apartment's orange brick facade, beguiling to the eyes, was the only one of its kind among the brownstones which stood witness to what important now-dead white males of the time had called 'the turn of the century,' and thoughts of his eventual move brought warmth the routine of coffee could not. He scratched one testicle, then the other, smelling the host finger with the weaker half of his deviated septum. "I don't think I have to shower today," he thought, "and maybe if I'm lucky I'll die and never have to shower again." Just as soon, his phone illuminated the kitchen table and he saw that the disturbance was a text message from his girlfriend. Hanging his head in defeat, he entered the bathroom and drew a bath. "Fuck it," he treatised.

>>6113936
I think that's totally fine actually. Sometimes all it takes is one word to push it over the edge.

>>6114598
>like a floodgate, unleashing a torrent of nonsensical jumble.
The simile is a bit self-indulgent. Use similes less, is my recommendations. Beginning writers use them way too much. One could conceivably write a novel without a simile and it would be fine.

I don't like
>compulsive
because it's already implied by
>constantly parted

Other than that, good, much better than the last one

>>6114655
>the fish lips of an alcoholic
I love this

>lithe
already implied by
>marathon runner

Also too many adjectives

The fishy lips tho, that's a gem

sprawled across the small void in the disaster area of a room lay he, a 5'8", 11 stone, green-eyed, peach toned mess. Filling the room with the musky scent of sweat, whiskey, and dry cum. The neglect to put back on his pants or simply shave for the first time in five days, is nothing more than visual cue of how lonely he feels

>>6114667
>Black and Peruvian blood, though he won’t say it.
Maybe this is just a pet peeve of mine, but incomplete sentences like this. They make me feel like I'm listening to a detective

>The war dance...
I just don't know what you're talking about here

I like the rest well enough. It's concise and punchy.

>>6114956
>Every piece of his form...
good stuff, very evocative
>as though his body was conspiring against itself
I think you can cut this. It sounds sort of cliche.
Also, beware of questions in prose unless there is a very good reason to use them, and beware
of parallel syntax.

>>6115069
I know this is a joke post but it's pretty good if you cut
>hot dry
and
>as they went

>>6115051
>Beatles-esque
awk
>pseudo-smile
awk
>unsightly manner
nonspecific, awk
>rail thin
cliche
>His clothing made...
The personification of his clothing is sort of creative, but I don't think it works
The rest is great tho, very specific and evocative

>>6115094
>What a shitty day this is going to be
This is very edgy. Do you actually do this?
Next sentence is too long and a little overwritten.
>illuminated
just say "lit up" so as not to risk sounding like you're trying to be poetic
>treatised
I feel like I should not like this, but I like this

Your writing is creative and you vary your syntax a lot, which is important.

>>6115226
>lay he
>11 stone
Are you a knight?
>Filling the room
Filling the room/air is a writing cliche. Just say "He smelled like..."
Last sentence is great if you cut the comma

>>6115208
Thanks for the advice m8

>>6115315
>Are you a knight?
mebe I am cunt? huh?
how about you take the magna carta and shove it up your ass? what do you think about that?
I just about polished off a bottle of glen livet and Im down in the middle of the label on this Johnnie Walker.
You're fucking lucky you're reading complete fuckin sentences instead of "Oi!... Oi! some daft, drunk, half-a-nigger who's been wankin' is layin' 'ere with his jeans off!"
Ill fuck you up M8
I swear on me mum

He sits slowly losing feeling in the legs tucked beneath him. His hands waltz across the keys with an absent minded precision and his eyes are drawn to the flexing bands of scar tissue on their back from an operation that occurred shortly before his birth. His dark hair is smoothed back although not well shaped with dented waves and curls marring the initial impression of neatness. His face had the symmetry to be comely yet not the chagrin to be described as handsome; cheekbones and full lips were there but not accenuated, like an inelegant clay mask of a handsomer man. He stood at a merciful 5'10 a convienient height to avoid both mockery of less the demands of the implied intimidtion of more. He forces a smirk in the mirror and his face responds like an avid contortionist.

>>6115354
I figured you were just here to shitpost, but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt

>>6115329
Much love

>>6115369
You should maybe mention in the first sentence that he's on a piano bench so your reader can get their bearings
>absent minded precision
cut, already implied by "waltz"
This sentence goes on for too long
>curls making the initial impression of neatness
awk
>comely, chagrin
These make your prose sound a little purple
>less the demands
don't know what you're saying here
>avid contortionist
Sounds forced. Take a look at my bitching about similes >>6115208

Not bad though, at least your descriptions are very specific. Writing is probably 50% just being specific.

All in all, he was an unsettling sight. Disproportionately large, oval head attached to a long thin neck. Slim arms, tiny hands with bony fingers. Despite diligently working out, the muscle he had put on since youth had merely converted him from a skeleton into the bare minimum of an adult man. If anything, the confidence of his posture, manifested from the idea of possessing strength, yet having nothing to show for it, made him appear even creepier. He strode around on a pair of skinny legs and all his movements looked eerily fluid, like the scripted motions of a robot. Yes, the man was like an alien spy masquerading as a human being, and the disguise never fooled anybody.

>>6115430
>All in all, he was an unsettling sight
You want to avoid sentences like this where you're just nonspecifically summarizing or previewing information given elsewhere. Let your reader judge that he's unsettling.

Incomplete sentences in prose really peeve me, especially when you do it several times in a row

>manifested from the idea of possessing strength
I don't like manifested. This whole bit is awk. I would cut it maybe. The surrounding sentence is excellent.
>his movements looked eerily fluid
be more specific here
>like the scripted motions of a robot
generic, uninspired simile. It doesn't add anything.
Last simile is okay actually, but don't feel pressured to pack your prose with similes. If you're writing a short story or something, try to limit yourself to one simile every two pages, if not less.

Promising overall. Read How Fiction Works maybe, if you're serious about writing.

>>6115424
Thanks, anon

>>6115217
Thanks, i literally took about 10 seconds to write that, so it's bound to have flaws.

>>6115377
Maybe you ought to extend your ironic distance a bit? Reality itself can't keep it's distance enough. First you start seeing little things, then a jew named Bernie Madoff is in a high profile ponzi-scheme case
>I can remember about a 1, maybe 2 years ago, sitting in transit on the bus, as monotonous as it gets
>All the way in the back, next to the vents, messenger bag full of Lillet and coca cola on my lap
>Desperately trying to space out, trying to avoid eye contact, with one leg crossed over my lap, gripping the blue naugahyde seat
>Pretending I didn't want the striking, pale, skinny, blonde in front on his knees, in front of me
>Like a daft bird hitting a window, some black guy throws a fit
>Interrupting my gaze of the 20 something up front
>Down goes his book, his phone, his keys, then him
>BAM, into the headrest on the seat
>BAM, on the floor
>Great, he's convulsing on his back, in the middle of a bus driving through traffic
>Busdriver is busy driving
>Fucking Blue-eyes over there is staring with his mouth open
>The old man next to him isn't of any help (whats an old man doing on a bus? He should be off on an island drinking daiquiris in front of a Golden typewriter
>Nearest to the commotion, Sister-girl is siting next to Ian Curtis, staring, trying to use the force I presume
>Joy Luck Club is reading an invigorating novel
>Twinkle-toes, who was sitting behind the guy, is staring back at me, my headphones obviously look like a fucking stethoscope
cont..

>>6115500
>You want to avoid sentences like this where you're just nonspecifically summarizing or previewing information given elsewhere.

It suggests that this isn't an impersonal, objective account, but a decription by another person with an opinion of his own, and may not be entirely factual.

>>6115298
cheers for the criticism mate

>>6115756
>My dragging feet carried me from the back of the bus
>Readjusting my pants, stalling as much as much as I can, because I didnt want to be the actual first person to give any help
>To MNDOT's exemplary service, the bus hit a rather large pothole
>BAM, ebony Ian Curtis bounces his head off the slip-free surface
>Lo and Behold, me, a fucking lush loser to fill this pathetic void
>I roll the guy on his side, his bleeding lip flicking a few drops on my jeans
>Now I regret all that time spent on dope, driniking, and reading cunty Malcolm Gladwell instead of being of use and taking a first aid class
>He's stopped shaking
>Twinkle-toes makes himself useful and clamors to pick up the guys belongings
>I look up to see the busdriver on the radio
>Sister-girl pipes up "He's alright"
>Fucking Brilliant, you ninny! is that Descartes? Ayn Rand? No, Pet shop boys, no actually, Sterling Void.
>Blue-eyes still has his jaw open
>I get a sudden rush of blood, back to my head
>I wish I knew more about Head Trauma than I do curing Hangovers
>I ask the guy what 2 x 2 is, then 6 x 9
>He knows the answer to both, but I'm not sure what that means
>I use my phone to dilate his pupils, they react like theyre supposed too, I know fuck all what that means
>The guy won't give his name, and I don't see a wristband on him
>I offer to help him up, he declines
>It's fine by me if he wants to just lay here
cont..

prowling to and prancing fro
spinning on the catchy snow
looking for the milkful grail...
i do want to catch my tail! :3

went slightly more pretentious than i wanted tho/

>>6111764

Go ahead and save it, Anon. It's all yours. :^)

If you walked past Anon you would not give him a second thought. He is neither good-looking nor ugly enough to stand out in a crowd, and his style is conservative and plain. Yet if you were, for some strange reason, curious enough to study his appearance, you might notice the small signs that betray the insecurity in his character. Underneath his clothes his body is lean and athletic, the result of laborious toil every day in the gym. He is cleanly-shaven each morning, and his blonde hair is styled neatly to the side. He wears a stern expression on his face, and always seems as if he is mildly annoyed by his present circumstances and has somewhere better he'd like to be. But observe him socially and you will see that he lacks the natural charm and good humour of those who were born attractive. What you are seeing is a carefully-constructed mask of a character he prefers to himself, the man he would like to be but can not. He desperately wants people to think that he does not care about the way others perceive him, and has an almost narcissistic obsession with his appearance to create this facade.

>>6115780
No, it's bad writing

Lifting the latest fashion statement from his IKEA single bed. Eyes carrying the lost hours of sleeplessness with a gaze of daze in a haze of unwilling wakefulness. The 3 day beard urges to be cut, and the youthful "can I see your I.D. sir?" visage appears and the regret of getting rid of that weathered face begins to creep. A whisp of sickness still lingers and he contemplates whether he should call in sick again; no point getting worse right? He can't even convince himself to be lazy and bored of the same surroundings for one more day.

That's a long terrace and ther are what, four or five bushes, along the fence, glass with plastic pillars looking down, TWENTY SEVENTH FLOOR: Looking down on the hawk, watching a hawk, turning on BLUE TOOTH
UNCLE DENTIST: Uncle-chair shining twitching corner utensil, electro-fusion dental dam chair DEVICE 00!1 ORDER Cat. 45 UNCLE-CHAIR UNCLE !-02, seated waiting for capillary digging and spritizng blood spritzer pill spritzzer, INTRAVENOUS CATALOG SERIES AAA: $343,23 , Itemized, subject NEPHEW.
ALPHABET LOG AA!: Just waiting ofr Itunes to loadddd.. goiong to the teeechhnnoo parrttty!!!!!!!
ALPHABET NEPHEW: Picked upa flloursencet photo light from model shoot from ex-roommate 43 year old adriana CUT-To-FLASH OF FLOURESCENT ILLUMINATION, CUT-to-FLASH of NON=FLOURESCENT OVERHEAD ILLUMINATION, CUT=To-CATALOG of 'it's easier to just turn on overhead despite mood difference but I flipped the bed around to make it easier to plug in FLOURESNCENT'
FLOURESECNET: He came back... I love him but I'm not as excited as when he was just bisitng...
DANGLING PLUG: Turn around for your UNCLE-CHAIR-E:ELECTRIC
1..2 = = $4240..9 -- SUB. QUANT. 30 8 MG
1..34 == $656 -- THER. 2 HR.
1..342 == $985.34 -- GR. THER. 3 HR. x 3

UNCLE-A1: WHY DONT YOU PAINT YOURSELF A PICTURE USE CANVAS PAINT
UNCLE-A2/MOTHER: WHY don't you paint yourself a picture use canvas paint...arabesquess..
,,,<<<(((R%%%R)<<<AS
UNCLE BURN TUMESCENT_FUSE ELECTRO_CAPILLARY DISTRIBUTION FASCILLOMUSCULATRE IDSTRICUB DISTRIBUT REAKD... BLood cost unit: $$24 ELECTRIC HUUUMMMMER JERJERJK IT FOUR TIMES THIS MORNINGJ is when I know I'm sick
SCHOOLBUS: DRIVER:

These fields used to be fruitful, a bountiful harvest for every passing year. Now all that is left is dust, and I can only plant more and hope that something grows. The locusts have abandoned me, the mites have found better flesh, the cattle have founds better pastures or rotted away in the barn. A year passes, and every trip to the local market is only an exchange of looks, of paper, of glances, but not of understanding. I bite dirt in every meal but it seems god forgot about me.

>>6111485

at least the hand holding her head is not black.

Gnawing a stale bun ripping into hefty roast beef over a thin cotton shirt ringing a hue of dark static, two concordant, devious hands took turns tearing apart what was now a trail of crumbs buffering over a fucking goddamn sexy bear nympho-maniac bearded goatee trimmed and clipped in the imagine of himself: myself, the god's sexy nympho-maniac goatee bear weed

This is a young man in his prime. Unfortunately for him a slight chest deformity known as pectus excavatum will never allow him to be happy with his physique. The bigger and more muscular he gets, the smaller and more pathetic he appears to himself. A shaved chest and abdomen, seemingly hygienic, indicate both vanity and insecurity. Alas, his exhausting efforts to improve his physique ultimately go unnoticed the minute he puts on his tattered clothing. The harsh reality sets every day as he looks at himself in the mirror that facial structure, personality, and style are much more important than the naked, physical aesthetics. This is a young man in his prime.

... shit, here goes.

She was the sort of person who, upon meeting a friend, would simply incline her head and mumble a low greeting before shuffling away to her next class. She's great fun at parties.

Ink stains were a given-- stubborn little bastards. They covered hands with bitten nails and calloused fingertips. Ah. Glasses? You bet.

As for the rest of her, there really isn't much to say. She was lanky, a little scruffy, and her hair looked like it had not been brushed for a while. The very height of her fashion sense was a pair of jeans and an old batman t-shirt. Jesus, that's lousy.

>>6117006

Why? It's the strandard essay structure.

You look like a skeleton shit, you know that right.

The webcam wires kept interfering with my keyboard. I wished they wouldn't do that. I watched myself waste another day, cancelling plans I made yesterday,
refreshing my internet browser and remembering how everybody had warned me about this.

Cold and dry were his hands to the morning air and though he knew his shoes would muck the linoleum floor he walked on. His hair was blown by the wind and it looked longer than it might have looked should it have been combed. His eyes were hidden by his glasses and his ears muffled by the headphones and though he was not walking fast he was breathing heavily. Each step was like a treadmill, he felt he was going nowhere, he felt he was going to a place he didnt want to go, he felt it was too early. His clothes were nice but not for the weather. He could not help but be nervous but he tried to swallow it.

Why not.

This human is a young-looking, rugged caucasian. He has brown hair, blue eyes, and a large, though miskept beard. Those educated in fitness and body types would classify him as a mega morph, one that is seen more as "thick" than "lean". He is short, stands straight, and makes intense, "big-eyed" expressions.

>>6118187
But, uh, it's not an essay, it's a fiction writing exercise

>>6111738
LOL

Hair that didn't seem to fit him plagued wandering hands. A confidence made hands playful and however skinny he was he didn't resign himself to being overly cautious with movement. Gaunt cheeks and a misplaced chin were compared to a carrot in his youth, long and sleek. A grin that doesn't go away, that's what's most noticeable. The grin was infectious disease spread to give his limbs a life of their own and to let his own two eyes wander, providing themselves with no end to their speculation.

>>6111738

A subtle point most modern people/scholars will never understand.

They'll wonder why bumble bee culture is different than killer bee culture and try to explain it in the most bizarre ways, because looking at biology is racist and not PC.

>>6118994
I want /pol/ to go away.

>>6111485
He almost prided himself on his ability to escape notice. He walked through the rainy night at a careful pace, avoiding any erratic movements that could elicit a second glance from a passing motorist. Anybody bored enough to give him their complete attention might have detected an air of diligent laziness about him. His hair clung lifelessly to his face. A beaten black hoodie hid a soft body and the barest hint of a gut. His shoulders, accustomed to slouching, hunched easily against the cold and the wet. He maintained his meticulous plodding pace, until the darkness eventually hid him from sight.

>>6111738
makes perfect sense, it explains why culture has been the same since the appearance of the first humans

wild-eyed and scar'd of che'k, he careened up the avenue like a scarab on that stupid yellow skateboard, drenching his polyester. his enormous black hat bobbed tiredly over his nape, administering a widening effect to his surprisingly bulbous nose.

he crouched for balance, swung through two garbage cans and a tree near the corner of the gate to the park, and, apropos of nothing, flew directly into the side of a bench, spilling coffee all over his foul-smelling boots and thickening his disgusting mustache with nosebleed.

he panted like a dog trying to walk around in a leather jacket.

>>6119478
AND HIS HANDS WERE COLD
AND HIS BREATH SMELLED LIKE GARLIC
HE SHOOK AN EAR OF CORN AT ME AND WHSIPERED

OSIRIS IS A BLACK GOD

>>6119478
>his surprisingly bulbous nose
What about this is surprising? Use a different word.
>he panted like a dog trying to walk around in a leather jacket
I'm not sure what you're even trying to say here. Also, that middle paragraph is atrocious; it's so hard to follow what you're saying.

>>6119589
you can't imagine a dog in a leather jacket, panting?

>>6119606
how many dogs in leather jackets have you seen walking around? It's a weird simile that wouldn't relate to anyone.