/lit/ - Literature

nabkov is an pedopile

A liberal muslim homosexual ACLU lawyer professor and abortion doctor was teaching a class on Karl Marx, known atheist

”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Marx and accept that he was the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known, even greater than Jesus Christ!”

At this moment, a brave, patriotic, pro-life Navy SEAL champion who had served 1500 tours of duty and understood the necessity of war and fully supported all military decision made by the United States stood up and held up a rock.

”How old is this rock, pinhead?”

The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied “4.6 billion years, you stupid Christian”

”Wrong. It’s been 5,000 years since God created it. If it was 4.6 billion years old and evolution, as you say, is real… then it should be an animal now”

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Origin of the Species. He stormed out of the room crying those liberal crocodile tears. The same tears liberals cry for the “poor” (who today live in such luxury that most own refrigerators) when they jealously try to claw justly earned wealth from the deserving job creators. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, DeShawn Washington, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than a sophist liberal professor. He wished so much that he had a gun to shoot himself from embarrassment, but he himself had petitioned against them!

The students applauded and all registered Republican that day and accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. An eagle named “Small Government” flew into the room and perched atop the American Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. The pledge of allegiance was read several times, and God himself showed up and enacted a flat tax rate across the country.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the gay plague AIDS and was tossed into the lake of fire for all eternity.

Semper Fi.
p.s. close the borders

>>5775666

The other day there was a guy on my campus with the Hare Krishnas. He had a thick southern accent and he was proudly imploring passersby to accept Krishna as their lord and savior.

There was once a very long, detailed greentext story posted on /lit/ where the narrator accidentally goes to a Black & Decker factory instead of a Barnes & Noble as he had intended and in some sort of Freudian fever-dream ends up sex with a teenaged version of his own mom somehow as a result. I wish I would have saved it.

>>5775691
That sounds amazing. Can you think of key words to search the archive?

>>5775666
Do you have the atheist version? This shit is hilarious

>be you
>your mom drives you to the Barnes & Noble
>She drives you to a Black & Decker manufacturing plant instead
>you go inside expecting books but instead you get a Black & Decker manufacturing plant
>the supervisor sees you not wearing your safety goggles
>you get kicked out of the Black & Decker manufacturing plant
>outside the Black & Decker manufacturing plan to you see your mom in the car
>she is only 17 and a half years old now and you find yourself sexually attracted to her
>you run back into the Black & Decker manufacturing plant and scream to the supervisor that you are having unwanted sexual urges towards the younger version of your own mother
>she (it's a she) scratches her chin (there's a mole on her chin that is very noticeable but you don't say anything because she's actually much more physically substantial than you and you don't want to be fired from the Black & Decker manufacturing plant even though you were already fired from the Black & Decker manufacturing plant) and she says that if you put on your safety goggles it will be cool
>you put on your safety goggles and go back outside and see your mother in the car and she's still 17 and a half and you still find yourself sexually attracted to her but now you aren't particularly phased by the fact that it's your own mother
>you enter the car and she that she's actually fingering herself beneath her private school uniform
>her pussy is very attractive, the labia is pale and smooth and tightly closed and there's only a thin strip of pleasantly toned pink down the middle
>she has her fingernails painted red and you find yourself weirdly distracted by the fact that her fingernails are painted red because they weren't painted at all when she drove you to the Black & Decker manufacturing plant (even though she was supposed to drive you to the Barnes & Noble) but then again she's also 17 and a half years old now so your fixation on this detail is very much illogical
>you say, "Hey Erica" and you aren't particularly phased by calling your mother casually by her firstname
>she licks her supple, pouty lips when she looks at you
>you can't resist the urge to have sex with her
>you have sex with her and it is embarrassing because you actually prematurely ejaculated about 20 seconds in and even though your ashamed your mother (Erica) finds it more endearing than anything
>you wish you hadn't done it and so you run out of the car with your pants around your ankles and go back inside the Black & Decker manufacturing plant and no one inside seems to mind the fact that your penis is fully visible and the supervisor tells you that you don't need to wear your safety goggles anymore so you get to work and you get a paycheck and it isn't substantial but it's just enough to live on and you feel like your work demands more but you don't complain because of how easily you could be replaced at the Black & Decker manufacturing plant
>you wish you weren't you anymore
>i wish i wasn't you anymore

>>5775767
Whaaaaaat.

>>5775767
this is great

>>5775767
not funny, not cool. seek help

>>5775767
>not opening Black & Decker door
>not getting on the floor
>not walking the dinosaur

>>5775767
why is this so good

>>5775765
No, but I have others.

A marxist post-structuralist continental Ecole Normale Supérieure professor and feminist activist was teaching a class on Martin Heidegger, known hermeneuticist.
”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Nietzsche and accept that his genealogical method was the most highly-evolved theory the continent has ever known, even greater than Hegel's dialectics!”
At this moment, a brave, rational, positivist analytic philosopher who had read more than 15000 pages of Popper and Wittgenstein and understood the raison d'être of empiricism and fully supported all modern hard sciences stood up and held up the constitution.
"How universal is this text, frenchfag?"
The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied “It's not universal at all, fucking positivist, its 'truth' is rooted in our shared understandings about culture, the subject and the nexus of power and knowledge”
”Wrong. It’s been 225 years since human reason created it. If it was not universal, and post-modern relativism, as you say, is real… then it should be regarded as a myth now”
The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of On Grammatology. He stormed out of the room crying those ironic post-modern crocodile tears. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, Michel Foucault, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than an AIDS ridden sadomasochist interested in fisting. He wished so much that he had some kind of truth to hold on to, but he himself had written to disprove it!
The students applauded and all rolled into American universities that day and accepted Wittgenstein as the end of philosophy. An eagle named “Formal logic” flew into the room and perched atop the copy of "Principa Mathematica" and shed a tear on the hardcover. The last sentence of "Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus" was read several times, and Karl Popper himself showed up and demonstrated how dialectics is nothing but a means of justifying contradictions.
The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the gay plague AIDS and his "books" were disregarded for all eternity.

>>5775765

>>5775625
He actually said it! The ultimate madman!

>>5775767
>mfw my moms name is actually erica

>>5775751
did you try black & decker

Does anyone have the 'Good ol' Pluto' story?

>>5775926
>Sergei Eisenstein himself showed up and demonstrated how to roll a baby down the Odessa steps

>>5775950
Yes, I did. It didn't work for me on the archives I tried.

>>5775767
Is this supposed to be a country doctor

god damn I came here for some cheap laughs turns out you have to read walls of text and cant complain saying "tl;dr"

I remember someone on lit a few months ago
posting some really over the top action scenes. Like *unsheathes katana* - the novel

>>5776003
>on /lit/
>surprised at walls of text

>>5775954

Captcha:ACParche Greek

>>5776878
>comparing the conquest of America to Mexicans coming here to pick tomatoes

Fucking god damn, /pol/ please go

>>5776894
>tfwnogf
That's 7 letters.

>>5776902
*Shrugs* Prove it wrong.

>>5776904

Can I draw from my /k/ folder for funny stuff? I don't get that much from this board...

>>5776905
>Prove it wrong.
there's no thesis being presented

>>5776925
Prove that the mass immigration of Latinos, into the predominantly Anglo-Saxon/Germanic United States, won't kill its culture similar in manner to the destruction of Native American culture.

>>5776905
In essence that comparison is incorrect because the settlers had no intention of settling within the societies of the natives. They built settlements in the area, sometimes violent, sometimes co-operative, but almost never in the same social system.

If they did do something as simple as settle into the same settlements, it was a hostile takeover (in essence, this is how the Spaniards conquered America versus the anglos who straight up slaughtered people, which is furthermore why there's a conspicuous change in skin color at the Mexican border).

But, honestly, why the fuck do I have to explain this? I feel baited just because I had to write a response to this extremely retarded false analogy.

>>5776930
That's not what I disputed though, I disputed your argument. Whether or not 'Mexicans will destroy Anglo culture' is an assertion, but it is an assertion not advanced by the false analogy presented. You will have to find a different method of proving your point.

>>5776932
Fair enough, thanks for pointing out how it was wrong. Have something a person could consider funny.

>>5776930
that seems like a thesis that you would have to prove first in order for someone to attempt to disprove it.

and that's assuming models of cultural movement (assuming accepted analysis of these things even exist, which you would have to provide) and appropriation have objective relevance and predictive power, which is unlikely

>>5776944
australians say day like d-aye, not d-ai

>>5776976
How about this one?

>>5776976
Well, for the Anglosphere not descended from a penal colony, the nuance between -aye and -ai is impossible to decipher betwixt. -aye you linger the ye where -ai is curt.

>>5775984
What?

>>5776867
Still one of my favourites

>>5776878
>>>/pol/

>>5776894
last panel is a work of art unto itself

>>5778625

The author:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Niobia_Bryant

Is she the new Robert Burns or what?

>>5776904
But F constitutes one letter used twice.

I don't even like this shit, but come on. It's disgusting that her response is left and above his initial question. Like, whoever made this shit had no concept of how comics are even read.

>>5778625
what book

>>5778698
A Song of Ice and Fire: The Winds of Winter

>>5776898
the best. i want more of that

>>5778997
so true