/lit/ - Literature

>>5620933
correction, at worst

>>5620933
1) Go on more moonlit walks.
2) Change your diet.

>>5620933
>What do you do when you get truly suicidal /lit/?

Do it?

>>5620933
>but the feelings nevertheless sneak up on my every now and then. It's a physical feeling in the pit of my stomach at worse, concentrated dread in my gut. Then it works its way into my entire torso and makes me feel so miserable that I can hardly stand living.
This definitely sounds like a case of bad digestion.

>>5620944
It's not, though. I truly believe that it's a physical manifestation of depression.

>>5620947
You are mixing up causes and effects. Your prescription drugs are probably only making it worse.

Get laid, smoke weed, write diatribes on machinism and patriarchy. Listen to pop music.

>>5620952
I need to get laid,certainly. I am so goddam sexually frustrated

>>5620933
Crumb writes, (thru Flakey Foont):

"I'm in pain, but I don't want to die! I want to live, and enjoy life!"

I focus on that thought. Enjoyment isn't impossible, even for learned men (which you seem to be).

On a more practical note, I've found that life is unendurable when it's hot out. Move, or buy an air conditioner.

>>5620961
Do you masturbate often? If so, stop immediately. The reabsorption of semen by the blood prompts the stimulus of power.

>>5620969
I always end up thinking that way, but I just can't when I get to be suicidal and think of how absolutely pointless continuing is. Also, I'm freezing my ass off here and still miserable as hell.

>>5620976
I didn't masturbate for two weeks and I felt just as bad as I did before.

pray to God to make it worse, and be earnest about it

something about wanting it makes it feel less destructive

>>5620998
Why are you suicidal? When did it start?

>>5621016
It all started when I realized how much of a failure I am. The amount of social embarrassment that I've experienced over the years would make any sane man kill himself. I don't think that's an exaggeration. I don't care about that so much because I'm a loner at heart, but it leads me to believe that I am so socially inept that any of my future endeavors will bet just as my previous endeavors have: with gut-wrenching failure and despair. I'm not sure if I can say that it had any definite starting point though. I've never been religious, and I've never really believed in anything. I've never aspired to money, and the only reason that sex interests me is hormonal (and it's not like I get any anyway). I've always had some vague notion of "making it big" in the world of some art form, but that desire is not really directed toward anything enough that I can see myself actually going through with its realization and accomplishing anything. Improvement is just so hopeless that my cost-benefit analysis of the continuation of my existence is tipping toward a certain direction.

>>5621060
bet = be met

>>5620933
>What do you do when you get truly suicidal /lit/?

kill myself, natch, like you should right now

>>5620933
Honestly, stop taking antidepressants. I was put on them and they made me worse. Now, medication isn't the same for everyone, I know, but at least give yourself a week or so off of them, chances are you'll feel better.

As for what I do, I just go and sit in a room, quietly, and think. I rationalise what's in my head, write down what I feel, then throw it away, shred it, burn I etc. the actual act of expulsion makes me feel so much better.

>>5620950
Stomach acid is a genuine physical indicator of depression and anxiety though.

I take the knife I have next to my bed and hold it against my wrist. I figure if I don't just slice on impulse I'm just having a temper tantrum no one else can see.

>>5621013
That sounds like a horrible idea. I guess anything to keep yo from going through with "it."

>>5621090
I might actually do that.

>>5621100
Well, I'm not doing that.

>>5621060
Honestly I think you should find a Church with young people, find a qt and get married. Also try praying.
And read more Dostoyevsky.

I recently took a momentous step in my depression away from the dark angsty self-loathing and toward a lighter dare-I-say happier state. But still I think of suicide. Never really "considering" it, so I do not consider myself suicidal. I don't think about doing it any time in the near future, but I am absolutely sure it's in my future. Like it's inescapable, and all that's undecided is when

I go on a moonlit walk or take a shower in the dark

I pretty much am always doing something if not for the sake of drowning out my thoughts.

Where the fuck did all the Christians come from?

>>5621140
We are always here.

>>5621060
It sounds like you are being too rational, too scientifically-minded, too serious, and too hard on yourself. Instead of acting like a faggot and trying to become a famous artist or something, accomplish something easy like getting a girlfriend. Have you tried making accounts on OkCupid and Plenty of Fish? If you wade through the whales, in a few months, you will find a decent girlfriend. It really isn't that difficult. Then a few months after dating her you will realize that having a girlfriend is just as shitty (if not shittier) than being single. Think of life as an evil but beautiful woman. Hold her down and fuck her passionately. Eat more fruits and vegetables. Go on more silent moonlit walks. Stop taking drugs. Watch Charles Manson videos on YouTube and use his manipulation techniques to acquire women.

>>5621146

You guys weren't here a couple years ago. Or at least you stuck to your Augustine threads and left poor suicidal kids alone. Stop telling people they need to go to church to be with young people, you fucking creeps

>>5621153
He asked for advice and I gave it. It is what I would do.
Now fuck off.

>>5621147
You are really the worst tripfag.

>>5621153
Fuck you you asshole

>>5621147
>Then a few months after dating her you will realize that having a girlfriend is just as shitty (if not shittier) than being single

Sounds like someone is still bitter over a heartbreak

bump!

>>5620933
I get so deep into my pessimism and despair that it starts to seem ridiculous to me after a while and then I open myself to the gentle indifference of the world (old pied noir cunt had a good sentence once in a while) and feel sort of pleasantly impartial to the whole state of affairs. Then I take it easy and not to seriously for the while until I forget again and start taking things too seriously again.

>>5621163
You never knew Vote Third Party, eh?

>>5620933
I eat my feelings and pull my hair out.
Maybe you should watch a dark comedy that's life affirming, like Amelie or Little Miss Sunshine (not so much the second, but I can't think of any other good ones).

I remember John Kennedy Tool and tell myself I should have something, anything, worth while to leave behidn after I die. So I work and that makes you feel good.

>>5621820
no, but if he's worse than Twiggy I'm very glad

>>5621854
>So I work and that makes you feel good.
Nope

>>5621060
Why don't you challenge youself? Get a shitty job with the best pay you can get, save up and travel around. Put yourself in risk, what's gonna happen? You're gonna have a shitty experience? Your life is a shitty experience anyway.

>>5621820
I like Zeeburg

>>5621860
I mean, as in, write stuff. Re reading it is horrible, but you have to edit your stuff so it's a necessary evil.
I guess working out helps, and getting a job does too.

>>5620933
Usually I only get that.. well got that way when someone is barking at me non stop. Seriously I cannot stand being lectured for any extended length of time. So Id tend to space out and think random thoughts and it would pass.

Read this and realize that there are grander more tenebrous levels of down I could be at. Start enjoying the fact that you are still alive in the moment and can change your world in such small yet significant ways
inb4 dead poets.

Life's a bitch and then you die
just accept the truth and have a cry
but grab a tissue for your tears to dry
and slap that bitch, before she passes by

The real answer is of course, that is if you want to end your suffering, is to kill yourself. Because number one your suffering will stop, and number two because you are dead you will not be deprived of the good in life (as deprivation is a sensation), so death will not be a bad thing for you. So we have one positive (your suffering stops), and one neutral, or even arguably another positive (death wont be bad for you). So if your goal is to end your suffering then committing suicide obviously in a relatively painless way, is the most logical course of action.

But, here I am, still suffering and still alive, and I know it's just not because I'm a pussy faggot because I already tried to kill myself, so maybe there is more important things than just ending your suffering. I don't know what that thing would be and am quite certain it doesn't even exist, and yet here I am. Maybe life isn't so logical, I mean a lot of the time I'm just like wtf is going on and why does it eat shit all the time. I mean life is nonsense absurd no words can explain just how fucking weird this is, and definetly scam neetbux it makes things way easier and get yourself on beta blockers and valium, I also take venlafaxine lithium and mirtaspine and smoke weed and drink daily and I chew tonnes of betel nuts I don't even know where I'm going with this other than people feel the same as you and yet they're still living, therefore? therefore what? there's no conclusion that can be drawn from it honestly I wish I died when I tried to kill myself there has been not much pleasure since and I wouldn't of been deprived of it had I died but no man is an island you gotta think about your mom and that she'll cry and be devasted even if you think she wont she will be but fuck she brought you into this misery world you shouldn't have to live in it honestly just kill yourself or actually I don't care either way nobody has the answers

>>5621907
You're rambling, man.
It's not that hard to hang yourself if you really want to.

Remind myself that the cry of the flesh is not to be hungry, thirsty, or cold; for he who is free of these and is confident of remain so might vie even with Zeus for happiness.

>>5620933

Keep exercising. Improve your diet. Make sure you get vitamin D from the sun, and supplement if you're in a dark climate. Regularize your sleep schedule and keep to it as strictly as you can without impinging on your social life. As you feel depression coming on, get super fucking militant about your sleep.

Keep trying medications if yours doesn't work. Remember that you can adapt to them. This should really be between you and a good psychiatrist. DON'T BE AFRAID TO CHANGE THERAPISTS.

Practice remembering how you've gotten over it before each time you get into it. Practice the arguments that work for you, that your therapist has given you.

You could try meditation, I've heard that works for some. Quiet walks work for me.

>>5620944
You've never had real depression. Read Darkness Visible by William Styron. It's a memoir about a major depressive episode he had. Major depression manifests in a way that is incommunicable to people who haven't had it. It is physical in the way panic is physical, that joy is.

>>5621060
The best thing you can do for yourself beyond what you're doing is to cultivate your social ties. Call your parents. Call and visit your friends. Make more friends. Practice vulnerability with these people, grow more intimate. Social ties are extremely heartening and give life direction and meaning when they become strong.

>>5621147
>Then a few months after dating her you will realize that having a girlfriend is just as shitty (if not shittier) than being single.

Confirmed for also never experiencing love. It's like you're incapable of having deep emotions. Did you suffer a trauma early in life twiggy?

Isolate self and idly stare out the window

what else

>>5620933
I tried to actually kill myself for the first time this summer. The girl I had planned to marry left me. I didn't have an appetite for a while, two days later, before I had eaten again, my mother stole $1000 out of my bank account. I didn't really consciously. Decide anything, but my appetite never returned and I just got shitfaced drunk every night. I had this dim notion that I was just. Done. Like, this was it, this was how I was going to end it. I drank myself fucking stupid every night and didn't eat a single scrap of food, literally nothing, for 11 days total. For some. Fucking stupid reason, on day 11, I took a hit of 25i, I guess I thought I'd overdose where my body was so wrecked, or it would just be another stupid sensory escape from what I was trying to do. It had the exact opposite effect. It was like I could feel myself dying. I could feel how dangerously close my body was to death. And I ate. I ate some food, because in that moment, it just hit me all at once how scared I was of death again. The 25i stripped away all the emotions I had that had made me want to kill myself and left me with nothing but pure, raw survival instinct.

I've thought very seriously about suicide a few times since then. I think about it in one form another, less intensely, every day. I really. I mean, I guess I don't want to die, after the psychedelic experience confronted me with the experience of it. I just really don't want to be alive anymore either. I don't give a shit about my life or myself or the future at all. The only things keeping me going right now are my three best friends, a handful of professors, and my grandmother. Those people, and what it would do to them if I did kill myself, are quite literally the only reasons I can find for not doing it.


This is the first time I've articulated any of this... and it's starting to make me realize that I should probably. Talk to someone about this before I get blackout drunk and do something I can't reverse. It's just. I'm not sure I don't want that to happen.

Fuck.

>>5622340
>grow more intimate. Social ties are extremely heartening and give life direction and meaning when they become strong.
This is probably the most decent recommendation in this board right now.

>>5622366

I understated its importance, actually. While in a depressive state you're numbed to pleasure, but intellectually if you have people that care about you and you're around them you pick up on that. It's also crucial to discuss your thinking with other people. It gives you a lot of perspective, both emotional and rational. I personally don't think we think best alone. It also just plain makes it harder to slip into complete darkness if you have people who keep interrupting, even better, disrupting, your thoughts.

>>5622376
There's also this thing in which you convice yourself that you've thought through all your shit, but when you open up and allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of others those ideas look quite different.

I'm not sure if that can be read and understood.

>>5622366
>>5622376

>tfw your social ties and lack thereof contribute to your depression

I want to leave society behind.

>>5622393
I don't blame you. Society is awful. It's individuals and small groups your need to seek out.

>>5622393
If you really wanted to you'd feel okay about having done so. It's okay to open up, and you'll suffer before finding the people that's right for your life. One of the big modern issues is that people are too scared of potentially being hurt to move out of their confort zone and invent this "you don't need no body" pseudo arguments. Go out, do stuff, risk being hurt.

i don't really want to whine today but sometimes i feel really really bad (and even when i feel good, antidepressants often put me into a sunny mood (may be it's my real state of mind if i didn't have this low serotonin level, or may be i'm actually bipolar), i still feel apathetic), but since i'm not suicidal... sometimes i dream i was suicidal. sometimes i feel it can shatter my mind. also my depression (it's actually dysthymia i.e. chronic mild depression with it's usual trail of double depressions, apathy, anxiety and intrusive thoughts, at least it's the current diagnosis) doesn't have a clear reason, it just exists, you know, i reread 'the hunting of snark' recently and realized i am like that jubjub bird who is desperate because lives in perpetual passion, i feel something like that

>>5622414
I'm sorry you feel that way, kitty, even if your taste in poetry is shit.

>>5622414
Were drugs your main solution or did you attempt behavioral or other practical therapy?

>>5622407
Individuals are a part of society and can be just as detrimental. As for small groups, I always feel like a prop when I'm in them.

>>5622410
For someone like me, going out and doing things really isn't so simple. Plus, I'm plenty hurt by just staying at home, there's no winning here.

>>5622427
>really isn't so simple.
Never meant to say it was easy. It's hard as fuck. You still get so much out of it that it's worth it.

>>5622444
I don't believe in an exchange of equivalent experiences--my rewards are not worth my suffering. Even the nature of life, doesn't mean I have to try and justify it.

>>5622453
Become a Buddhist and enter a monastery.

I'm not kidding.

>>5622467
>Become a Buddhist
Been considering it strongly as of late.

>enter a monastery
Maybe.

>>5622453
>exchange of equivalent experiences
No, stop that crap.
You're not really rationalizing, you're using ideas form another subject to cover something you're scared to do. You don't have to do shit, go buy your helium or check alt.holiday; I'm just telling you that risking getting hurt is the way to be happier.

>>5622481
One risks getting hurt no matter what you do, regardless whether it brings happiness or not. Doesn't do much good to point that out.

>>5622518
>regardless whether it brings happiness or not.
You're really bad at pretending to have things figured out.

>>5622524
Maybe, but at least I've got that point covered.

>>5622357
that's not a suicide attempt you fucking retard

>>5622414
holy shit stop eating the dsm bullshit

>if I didn't have this low serotonin level

Americans actually are this retarded holy shit

>>5621907
This OP. Nobody has the answers or solutions, and yet we are still here. You don't need to 'solve' your existential crisis, or 'cure' your DSM approved Major Depressive Disorder™ to carry on living. It just happens irregardless, there are no questions that *need* to be answered, because the difference is no difference - you're still here living.

So do what makes you feel pleasure if you don't want to suffer. If you're in this mindset that's probably going to be limited to pussy money drugs

>>5622340
Your sentimental and effeminate herd values do not resonate with someone of my caliber, someone of my sophistication. Deep emotions? The depth of my contempt for weakness is unfathomable. I hunt depression down like a lion and sink my teeth into its striped neck to savor its blood. You attempt pacify weakness with more weakness. You attempt to put a lid on a boiling pot and stand there dumbfounded when the lid comes popping off again and again. Did you learn this coping technique from mother? What will you do when the narcotics lose their effect? I say let the pot boil over. The black and white stripes of your fleeting relationships lead to an endless cycle of despair and contentment, sadness and happiness. There is no way to avoid pain. Why would you want to? Accept it. Love it. We are not here to be happy. Love the dread in your gut and the death if your stomach.

>>5622574
Hat

>>5622574
Word.

>>5622574

So nice you feel that way about your little depressions.

This is advice to the weak from the weak.

You should also revisit Nietzsche and see what he says about the attitudes of nobles towards others. Maybe you'll get more nuance this time.

>>5621147
I'm laughing so hard right now.

Stop being a fucking pussy. That's what you do.
Go chop down a tree or something.

>>5622553
Even worse since she's russian. People are really desperate for someone to come and explain their problems, that's what you get when you take away the main religion, I guess.

>>5623155
>Stop being a fucking pussy.
It honestly surprised me it took this long for this reply to appear

>>5623383
phew

lit the worst to mention something like that here, half of them deny biochemistry altogether, another half read the latest pop-sci article and deny the medicine

>>5623432
It's hard when someone outright rejects what you think is right, but you are devoring psych explanations as trustingly as people used to swallow religious explanations.

>>5622414
>may be it's my real state of mind if i didn't have this low serotonin level
There are no varying levels of realness in mental states. Your mental states are your brain chemistry. There is nothing beneath, above or beside it.

i kill myself

every time i wake up here again though, only it seems slightly drabber
i've lost track of how long this has been going on