/lit/ - Literature

>>5438394
It's shit.

>>5438394


These feelings haunt me; they come back from time to time. Sometimes I can’t control it, but sometimes I just let myself slip into this pit of fear and anguish, thinking that one-day, I’ll be like them. How happy are they? Look at them, in their cute little outfits, the way they prance around without a worrying in their mind. Not me I say, I’m different, and at least I thought it was a good thing. You see, there’s two types of people in this world, the ones who grasp their life firmly, and then the ones who let it slip, who stop trying with the hope that one day their dreams will come true. Maybe this is why they buy excessive amounts of lottery tickets in the hope that one day, just one day, they will be rich and retire in a house only a millionaire could ever afford.

These chains keep pulling me back, I pull with such force they shake the ground beneath me. But I know my place, and they do too, that’s why they are wrapped around my feet, right? Wrong. They’re not chains, they are ropes, weak ropes, I’m pulling on them so hard they are about to break, breaking point; where I will be free and do what I want to do. I can fight this battle because I am stronger than this. I feel like an ox, an ox that is attached to a rope, which is tied to a fence. This fence will be pulled from the ground beneath me, ripped out of this earth, free at last. The excitement it could bring, it will be unmatchable, and nothing can top it. Running away from what is known as the traditional path, creating my own. I will bust through the fence knocking shards and planks of wood on to the ground. It’s only a matter of time, and then it will just be a distant memory…of happiness, freedom and being able to do what I please. Without the input and opinions of other people, people who don’t need to push their big noses into my business.

Sometimes, a best friend can pull you out of a sad mindset. But if your best friend was the one who caused it then I don’t see why there’s no reason to direct every ounce of hatred towards them that they deserve. They didn’t mean it right? They said they were sorry. No, not everyone is sorry and not everyone will try to stop what can be avoided. For now, I’m going to avoid you, and I wont let you put me down any further, you wont manipulate me and you wont ever have control over me. I’m going to prove you wrong, you’ll see.

>>5438394
Not a good idea to say it's been rated excellent.

>>5438400

it's really preachy and self indulgent op

>>5438403

Why? That's what i've been told, but i just want to know your opinions...

If you're going to be immature about it and says its shit just because i said its been rated excellent, then i have nothing to say to you.

>>5438400
Is that it? I don't see a story there. More like a fictionized blog post.

>>5438406

It's supposed to be, it was some feelings i had earlier this year.

It was my way of venting it out and proving people wrong.

>>5438408
We shouldn't judge your writing on others opinion. I haven't even begun to build an opinion, and you're already calling me immature. You sure you're pointing at the right person?

>>5438411

It's a short story about feelings, if you failed to notice.


>>5438417
Then sorry. It was an IF statement. I thought you were going to say it was very bad because of what you said. Sorry again.

>>5438400
I'm fairly certain this is bait, but anyway:

>Feelings haunt me
>Pit of fear and anguish
>Chains are pulling me back
>Fight this battle
These are all cliches, very poorly used cliches, and should be removed immediately.

Your observations are trite and shallow, and even then have been phrased better by more competent writers. I'm reminded of Eliot Rodger's manifesto in the first paragraph.

Your second paragraph is borderline purple prose. You mix metaphors, extend them far beyond their relevancy, when they were pretty dire to begin with.

We finally get to the story at hand in the third - as it turns out, it's the same old story of a friendship betrayed. It sounds like something an angsty fifteen year old would write for a creative writing workshop. There's very little story, zero action (in other words, to cite the age-old advice, you're telling us rather than showing), what little plot exists is banal, you mix metaphors, you write in cliches, and y'know, it's generally just not very good. I don't know who you paid to say it was excellent, if anybody said it was excellent at all - either you have some moronic friends, or you have great friends who only want to encourage you, despite how shit your writing may be presently. Read a little more. Work on it.

Out of curiosity, did your best friend tell you your writing was shit?

>>5438451

Firstly, thanks for the feedback, although you're a dick about it, thanks anyway.

Secondly, the 'story' was written at different points over a few weeks or so, usually when i was feeling down. As i said, it's just a way of venting, i wasn't expecting it to be amazing, although someone did say it was excellent. I'm no pro in writing as you can tell and quite frankly this is one of few 'stories' i have ever written.

I wasn't expecting you to get all metaphors, here's a break down;
>Feelings haunt me - the feelings come and go, like a ghost etc. Hence why i say they haunt me.
>Pit of fear and anguish - i'm at the top, i'm trying so hard not to fall right down into that pit.
>Chains are pulling me back - I'm pulling these chains, very hard. There's a feeling they are pull me back as i charge away etc. (could probably have been worded better i guess. holding me back?)
>Fight this battle - fight the battle of falling into the pit of fear and anguish.

Like i said, i wasn't expecting anybody to be on the same thought train as me and vice versa.(different people think differently)

Thirdly, no wasn't a best friend, it was more of people around me, over the years etc. This isn't directed at a single person.

>>5438487
>the 'story' was written at different points over a few weeks or so, usually when i was feeling down. As i said, it's just a way of venting,

Which is why it reads more like a journal entry than a serious work of prose. The main character is you, and the subject is your feelings. That's what I write about in my journal

>although someone did say it was excellent.

Who was it? If it was a close friend or family, of course they did.

>>5438517

Whoever it was it doesn't concern you.

Then we shall call it a journal. I basically wrote it at different point and merged it into a story format..that's probably why some of the metaphors are a little fucked up.

Although i did explain the meanings behind them, do you still think it's extremely poor?

First of all, I'm going to start this all off by pointing out the nature of the criticism you are going to receive when it comes to creative writing of any kind. You're dealing with a pool of people who are all writing, all working on their craft mostly on a solitary level. Yes, they will show their work to others and ask for input once they have gotten it all down on paper. Yes, someone is going to do line edits. And in the case of people being published, some even have editors who are rehashing this all for them. But, in general, creative writing is an individualistic hobby. Whereas film could be compared to doing the relay in track, writing is running the hundred meter dash, alone, against seven other people. And so, when other writers read what you have written, they are going to be unnaturally harsh on it. If you've ever taken a writing workshop, this becomes painfully apparent. Alexander Pope pegged this a long time ago in his Essay On Criticism.

Anyway, back to your "story", which I am reluctant to even call it. This is more of like an excerpt of the inner monologue of some really cynical character IN a story. This alone is not a story. There is no plot. There is one character (the narrator), and he isn't even very well developed. All we have from the character is this inner monologue, which only reveals a few things about them. There is no climax, nothing. Nothing is happening. If anything, this is exposition of you trying to create a character and writing how they would think to get a better feel for them. It's decently well written, but there is no way you could ever call this a story. Think about it this way: A story can never be about an ordinary "day", it has to be an extraordinary day, in some way. (Within reason, I've seen people break this with "Slice of Life" pieces and such, but you can't break this rule if you don't know how to follow it.)

Examples: Cyndi wants to bake a cake for her estranged brother's birthday in hopes of making up with him. (See? Already not an ordinary day as she's trying to make up with her brother.) The baby is crying the whole time, and she rushes to complete this task and take care of her child all at once. When she goes to her brother's home, he greets her coldly at the door but lets her in. After showing him the cake, he says he's on a Paleo diet but she begs him to try it, as she made it all by scratch. Finally, out of politeness, he gives in... only to bite into a baby pacifier!

And then you have some resolution of the plot here, some kind of thing that wraps the whole story up... You get the picture. That's a short story.

>>5438554
They're fairly plain, to be honest. Haunting emotions, pits of emotion, chains of emotions, and emotional battles. They're almost expected. Google them if you don't believe me.

I understand that they reflect how you're feeling, and that's fine. The wonderful thing about emotions is that their nature can only be expressed in words via metaphor. You have your own unique life and experiences which are causing these emotions, and you have the infinite expanse of language to express them. Anyone can say they feel chained back, but there are billions of other, more specific struggles you could be referencing instead.

>>5438400
>there’s two types of people in this world

No there fucking aren't. Stopped reading here.

>>5438400
>CRAWLING IN MY SKIN
>THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEAL

>>5438487
>Feelings haunt me - the feelings come and go, like a ghost etc. Hence why i say they haunt me.
>Pit of fear and anguish - i'm at the top, i'm trying so hard not to fall right down into that pit.
>Chains are pulling me back - I'm pulling these chains, very hard. There's a feeling they are pull me back as i charge away etc. (could probably have been worded better i guess. holding me back?)
>Fight this battle - fight the battle of falling into the pit of fear and anguish.

Is this a joke?

>>5438580

This was actually very helpful...I do have another one i started writing..it's not finished, and you'll probably think it's shit, but i'll just place it here instead.

Your feedback was good, and if i ever do write again or finish this one i'm about to link, i will keep that in mind.

As another anon stated, it's more of a journal however i thought i could put it in story format.

Anyway, hope you find this one a little better.

>>5438703

It's probably bad, but i guess you have more of my work so you can tear it apart better. Have fun.

Between the bars is where I lay, where I have laid for the past 17 years. It’s not going to change, not for a second. I’m content with the lies, which got me here, because I know that nobody will come for me. So why would I fight for a lost cause? Things can’t change because my case is closed. They said it was dead, there was no use bringing it back up because there’s no evidence to support me…. well, I got framed, by that cowardly bastard sat up high in that office. I was used, and then thrown away like an old newspaper, except one thing. They left the fucking print on my fingers.

You think it’s easy to be like this? Sit here pretending to be guilty, you can’t just get up and say “I’m innocent, please, please!”, they don’t listen and they never will. Hence why the case is closed and will never ever be re-opened. As far as anyone else is concerned it was I, it will always be me. Now my life is confined to one little cell, with a tiny window in the corner. It doesn’t even open properly and the sun barely shines through. How do you think that feels? Waking up to a brick wall, breathing the same shitty air every fucking day of your life? Eating dog food like a starving African child, because you only get 2 meals a day. But I can’t change this, and it wont change. I have to be content with it, it’s my life, and the way “god” wanted me to live? You can’t actually believe in that bullshit can you? It’s just a lie, a lie to get people to obey democracy and obey the law, which confines our nation. Ultimately there’s one other road for me. Death row. Heaven and hell? We all know where I’ll be going then, that’s if it was real. It would be amazing if heaven were real, especially if it was a place on earth. My mind is a heaven; it’s a safe guard from reality, as I sit here writing in this stupid fucking diary, every single day. My notebook of feelings is my only friend. It keeps me sane and it stops me from doing bad things, to myself.

>>5438713
dude

PLOT

look it up. jeez

>>5438745

Great, i will, thanks for pointing it out like everybody. I almost didn't notice.

I guess it's just a narration of how boring life of the character is..

>>5438713
Hoo boy

In context of a short story, you could put this in dialogue. Who is the main character? What exactly happened that caused him to get into this mess? What is his life like in jail? Give him a conflict, like he's trying to win the prison tournament of dominoes or something. He thinks that coming in first might be able to help him feel a little bit less empty and worthless inside. Now, create tension with another character. The five year in a row Dominoes champ Jerry Pearson. You could throw these thoughts in as dialogue when the main character is talking to Jerry. Have the tension be resolved by Jerry and the main character finding common ground and becoming friends. Or whatever, but you get the point. Writing is a lot of having great ideas for little rants and dialogue and then inserting in into something on a wider scale. Keep a journal and write all these things down as they come to you, use them in later stories. And remember, you want to anticipate the questions the audience is going to ask and answer them non directly in the text. If the reader has too many questions unanswered, they will be unsatisfied and not enjoy your work.

>>5438765

This was helpful. I realise that my writing usually takes on the perspective of the main character and their feelings. I will try to add a plot, something where i can direct the story instead of just writing about the main characters feelings etc.

>>5438400

cant tell if serious

>>5439074
Stop posting shitty anime pictures.

>>5438400
Funny joke OP

Its trying to be pretentious but it sounds like you haven't evolved emotionally beyond the existential crisis of a try hard high schooler.

Oh come on the very OP is obvious bait

>>5438611

You just made me spot coke all over my keyboard god damn it

>>5438400
Supreme gentleman.

>>5438400
Hello, this is your friend. I apologized. I said I was sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen the way it did. Just please, please forgive me. Please.

>>5438400

Here's what I want you do to first OP:

Rewrite this in the third person. You'll be forced to give some sort of context. Then you'll need context for that context and, behold, you'll have the beginnings of a plot.

The first three or four posts itt make it sound like it's an excellent bait (easily 8/10).

So congratulations, I guess, OP. I hope 4chan hasn't made me too jaded and that you're actually not genuine.

>>5438400
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1Q9C09z0lk1

The edgiest thing I've read in a while. Seems like the kind of shit a teenager who thinks he can write would churn out. Too many cliches, and in general it just comes off as garbage writing that doesn't even have anything worth telling.

>>5439093

stop posting tryhard journal entries your friends awkwardly approved of because they didn't know what to tell you.

We're all cynical bastards here but you'll have to do more than come up than angsty journal entries if you want to put out something worthwhile in regards to your writing. Its one thing to have a bit of an autobiographical tinge in something you write, but you have to dissociate your writing from your personal moment to moment feels or you won't have any leeway to self-innovate or do something as simple as write stuff for a character that isn't a self-insert. You should also know what you are trying to write, even if just vaguely.

>>5439624

OP here...that wasn't even me..i've been watching TV for the past few hours..

My last post was:

>>5438868


And in regards to your reply:
I wont be writing anything anyway for a while, i'm shit at it anyway.