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/lit/ - Literature

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5370958 No.5370958 [Reply] [Original]

How do you like this poem /lit/?

I rip your heart out, you blood jumps out of your chest
Your blood spatters all over my face, what a joy! I feel my best

I cut off your ears with my bare hands, I holler inside them
Weep when I throw them in the wind, may no one ever find them

I blind you with my brandish steel, it's frightening, just like Fenrir's claw
Frightened you are you poor devil! I was the last thing you ever saw!

I tear your neck apart with my teeth, I chew all the chunks I get
I press your skull hard till it cracks, you don't feel too good about it I bet

I cut off your arm, it feels like a fine hammer when I hold it in my hand
I bring it down on the spike I hold on your head, your skull crushes and

Your brain appears in that bloody mess, I get delighted at its sight
Let us excavate this beauty, let us bring its secrets to light

The secrets were brought to light indeed, I lick my lips, I savor, I feed
I chew some, swallow, save the rest, you have satisfied a man in need

You scream your curses, you ride the hound of hatred for a while, that's fine
When it's my turn, you rue the moment your path was crossed with mine

You say that I'm pathetic, that I can't be helped for ever and ever after
As I set you on fire on a huge pyre, I exclaim loudly with a mortifying laughter:

You're the one who looks pathetic and helpless O' target of my abhorrence
Your misery is my amusement, that's the reason behind all this violence

Now the fire that is my rage will burn you whole, wish you could see, it's quite a sight
Serves your right to die you waste of human flesh, or a day shall never become this night

>> No.5370969

Needs more monkey

>> No.5371011

>>5370958
Really bad, this metre is totally disgusting.

>> No.5371012

>>5370969
I don't get it.

>> No.5371062

>>5371011
What's so disgusting about it mate? It's taken after Alexander Pope.

>> No.5371067

>>5371062
This is too long and the rhyme is useless with such metre.

>> No.5371071

>I cut off your ears with my bare hands

do you have pincers for hands or something

>> No.5371072

>>5371012
Wilmot's more famous portrait contains monkey. This one needs more monkey.

>> No.5371081

The subject matter is stupid and edgy, the rhyme and meter are awkward and the entire thing is dry and boring.

Also
>helpless O' target of my abhorrence
>O'
Fuck off.

>>5371071
lol'd hard

>> No.5371095

this is more of a wu-tang verse than a poem

>> No.5371104

>>5371095
>i fucken... i fucken
>I'll fuckin tie you to a fuckin bedpost
>with your ass cheeks spread out and shit
>Put a hanger on a fuckin stove and let that >shit sit there
>for like a half hour
>Take it off and stick it in your ass slow like
>Tssssssss

Enter the homoerotica

>> No.5371185
File: 155 KB, 638x828, rochester-npg.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
5371185

>>5371067
Fair enough.

>>5371071
Narrator's temperament is open left for interpertation. He could be a werewolf, a zombie, a delusional psycho. He could be anything.

>>5371072
Here's your monkey.

>>5371081
It's meant to be edgy.
The meter might be awkward, but the rhyme isn't.
You are dry and boring.

>>5371095
I'm actually offended by your statement m8.

>>5371104
topkek

>> No.5371195

>>5371185
>Here's your monkey.
Thanks, now some nudes of Lizzie Barry if you could?

>> No.5371205

>>5371185
What was the point of asking for opinions on your work if you're just going to deflect genuine criticism? Your poem sucks, deal with it. There's no subtlety, and don't tell me "it's not supposed to be subtle". It's fine to make artistic choices, but it's also fine to think that someone's artistic choices are stupid. If it was your decision to use lame rhymes and bland, brutishly overt and obvious "imagery", then that was a fucking stupid decision. If it wasn't a decision and it just happened, then you just wrote a shitty poem. Whether that's because you're a shitty poet is another matter but in any case you're not going to improve if you can't take criticism.

This scarcely qualifies as a poem at all. It's just a bunch of lines that rhyme and form a somewhat coherent if drab and entirely pointless plot. There's no real imagery, no interesting use of language, nothing. All it is is edgy, and "It's supposed to be that way" is not an excuse, it just implies you have terrible judgement.

Honestly this is something an autistic 14 year old would write.

>> No.5371214

>>5371185
>The meter might be awkward, but the rhyme isn't.
The meter is disgusting and so is the rhyme.

>You are dry and boring.
Not even this anon but this response is totally autistic.

I think this man made a good review:>>5371205
>Your poem sucks

It's like you never read any poetry at all.

>Honestly this is something an autistic 14 year old would write
That's exactly what I thought when I first read it.

>> No.5371285

>>5371195
Nudes were not a thing in the 17th century.

>>5371205
I accepted the fact that meter is awkward, so I don't deflect all genuine criticism, but how do you expect me to take your so called criticism seriously when you say something like:

>It's just a bunch of lines that rhyme and form a somewhat coherent if drab and entirely pointless plot. There's no real imagery, no interesting use of language, nothing.
>plot
>coherent

You do realize that this is not a story, right? This is meant to be a somewhat satiric response to the love poems of the romantics and the Metaphysicals. They explain in every verse how they love their lover and how beautiful/good she is and what they do when they are making love. This poem is trying to do that in reverse. And the fact that you say there is no imagery is simply ridicilous. The whole poem is consisted of violent images. This poem is strictly descriptive. Actually the correct criticism here would be that this poem is nothing but imagery,

>>5371214
What is so disgusting about chest and best, inside and find, claw and saw and the rest of the rhymes?

>> No.5371309

>>5371285
>how do you expect me to take your so called criticism seriously when you say something like
Apparently you don't understand chronology.

>You do realize that this is not a story, right?
Obviously.

>This is meant to be a somewhat satiric response to the love poems of the romantics and the Metaphysicals.
Then you did a poor job of satirising it because seemingly everyone who read it thought it was edginess for edginess' sake.

>The whole poem is consisted of violent images. This poem is strictly descriptive. Actually the correct criticism here would be that this poem is nothing but imagery
Imagery requires the use of such things as metaphor; this is just a series of facts. I'll grant you that there is imagery of a sort, but it's bland and lifeless sort.

>> No.5371312

>>5371285
>Nudes were not a thing in the 17th century.
Come on, man, even Pepys wanked during sermons if the priest wasn't interesting and he was a good Christian of the age. Actress was a byword for whore and you know it, give me naked Lizzie Barry.

>> No.5371313
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5371313

>>5370958
This is the edgiest thing I've ever seen posted on /lit/.