/lit/ - Literature

Part two.

This is all I have so far.

needs italics.

TL;DR

>>532830
zoom that shit.

>>532875

there's plenty in there

this is actually pretty decent, op.

it's really raw, and you find it really easy to empathise with the character. nice prose too.

probably the most depressing thing ever, though.

Too tired to properly crit and I wanna go to bed.

The prose is pretty good, but it hasn't really grabbed me yet. You might want to try and rectify the first few paragraphs so that there's something there that hooks.

i really like the 3rd sentence

>I know its coming
>its
Its very good writing.

For what it's worth, I found it good. It seemed a bit rambling at times, and it's a bit too raw for my tastes, but I think it's good at what it is.

>>532898

Yeah, the pissing himself was a last minute thing that came to me. Really bad hook, but it makes it surprisingly easy to segway into story, and have it flow.

It's just going to get gritter, but I don't want to cheap out with an introductory disturbing war experience that was ALL A FLASHBACK or DREAM.

But people start dying all around him, and there's a part where I alternate tiny, three-four sentence fragments of the best and worst moments of his life like say him cooking dinner with his mom, and then finding corpses of another platoon strapped to a donkey's back with vietnamese slur painted on the side of the animal.

Basically there's alot more interesting and gritty plot devices than the introduction but if I introduce it too soon, I think it'll comprimise the story.

There are only a few places that I stumble over your word choice. One is when you say "thinking about thinking about it." Even if this is what you actually meant to say, the repetition makes me think that you might have made a mistake. But I can see on the other hand how this may give us a better insight into the crazy mind of your character.

The next part is "and as the pathetic, scribbled image, etc.." but I think it's because your verb doesn't fit your subject. It should be crumbles instead of crumble. That brought me out of it.

One part that was done really well was the positive description of the beach. Specifically what comes after -And there's only one way to go back-.

All in all, I enjoyed it.

>>532936
>piss
>flowing

>>532942

Crumbles, yeah.

I sort of want to tell you guys how the story ends to get some advanced feedback, should I?

>>532936
I got kinda lost. Was the guy in Vietnam or in New York? It's really hard to tell. You have to remember that the reader does not have the same connection to certain words that you have -- we can't read your mind and some of the transitions that seem logical to you aren't to us. Also, you have a lot of run-on sentences and comma splices. I would say that every sentence is basically a run-on sentence or comma splice, actually. I like the grit, but the prose is just so poor. Try to be more percise.

>>532952
Nah, the idea of the story can be good, but if you want useful feedback we need to read more of your prose. It's not what you write about but how you write it that will make the difference.

>>532936
Is it coincidence that eneurisis (or however you spell it) was featured prominently in last weeks episode of band of brothers the pacific?

Really, this is not bad at all. It's not polished, but there's decent writing in there. Whether it ends up being good will all depend on how well the whole story, structure, etc. hang together, and since you seem to be trying for a complex narrative approach, that will be especially important.

I think you use the phrase "piss myself" (and variations) too much. Perhaps there's too much urine in general.

First-person narration is tough, for one thing because it's too easy to end up with too many sentences with "I [verb]", and by the end of your samples I was noticing it too much. First-person is a perspective, but it doesn't have to be a present-tense reporting of each thing the narrator does. Find ways to describe what's going on without the step-by-step aspect and I think it will help. Your intent to use flashbacks, reveries, etc., should offer some nice opportunities to do that.

> grainy, diluted, technicolor, overdubbed.
I like the sentence, but I don't like "diluted."

>>532964

NO.
NO ITS NOT GOD DAMN IT I LET SOME OF MY FRIENDS READ IT AND AS SOON AS THEY SAW ENURESIS THEY WERE LIKE 'lol pacific' YES I STOLE IT I STOLE IT ALL.

>>532957
What do you mean by 'connection to certain words?' He's in New York, but he just remembered a moment for Vietnam, which he's been trying to forget.

The prose is rambling and confusing and jumbled, because that's how the character's mind works. It's hard to read, but I think it gives more feel to the antagonist.

I think I'm going to try to get through it without giving him a name.

What I'm curious about most, though; is the plot apparant? I tend to divulge into metaphors and psychoanalysis without establishing any plot.

>>532981
What little plot we're given in what you've shown is apparent to me.. at least I believe I have understood your plot so far.

>>532995
I should elaborate. I enjoy your rambling style, and I get that it's the character and perhaps not a failing on your style of writing. An unbalanced mind will repeat things, and the repetition makes me believe that your character is truly messed up. So I like it.

>>533020

lol

I'm getting alot of polarized feedback here, so I guess all I can do is get the facts I need, finish the story, and EDIT.

>>532981
Ok. This paragraph makes no sense:

I know it doesn't work this way but I try, try as I always do, to piece it together. I'm trying to remember but there's no way it can be realied through memory yet I clsoe my eyes and in my blindess I feel for the gragments of smewhere better.

What are you refering to? You talk about the beach next, so is that "it." I don't see the connection between "the Beach" and his service in Vietnam.

Parts like this:
it's a beauty that transcends nature and transcends sexuality but still the euphoria that comes with it manifests itself, in one of its many ways, through a painful erection.

How can the beach transcend nature? The beach is nature. Do you mean something else? I don't know where you were going with that.

Then the next paragraph is this:
I'm trying so hard to go back there without help, beacause it isnt like before. Something's wrong and i need need need to figure it out right away becasue if something goes wrong in there then theres no point, no fucking point at all.

In where?? Where does he need to go back to? The beach?

You say that you want the prose to be jambled and crazy, because you want to be true to a mental. All that will happen because of that is that nobody will be able to understand what the hell you are talking about. There are other ways to make a person mental. You can make them mental by their actions. The part where he has sex with the hooker and has no feeling and gets upset because he has no cocaine left shows he is mental. You don't need to have comma splices and subject-verb confusion to make that happen.

>>533042

ignore this guy

jumbled prose assists immersion

can relate to character's emotional turmoil

>>533056
me dont need to follow rules cuz me is inventing new rules for making better and more better place for making feelings known to the real person that is important in literature because literature is for the reader and if the reader knows what to do then there is something that is gained by understanding the thing that has to be done for the understanding of our reading.

>>533064
omg, i can so relate to that character. it totally reaches my inner angst.

>>533042

My writing usually ends up in that stream of consciousness style.

And yeah, you're right. I need to shave off alot of fluff; because I know exactly what's going on in the plot, but the reader doesn't. It will be explained later on; but I need to make sure that the reader sees that 'later on'.

"It doesn't work that way" is referring to him trying to 'remember' the beach. Basically, he get's these hallucinations where he blacks out for seconds or days, and he goes to this beach where he feels happy, peaceful, and innocent. These hallucinations can sometimes be brought on my drug use; basically [I know the brain doesn't work this way but bear with my for symbolism's sake], his mind is extremely fragile, the 'beach' is hidden behind a weak and cracked mental dam and by taking drugs, it helps 'open the floodgates' so to speak abd bring him back there.

Does that make sense, at all?

The connection is very very deep and angsty HERP DERP symbolism; the beach represents his innocence and a simpler time pre-vietnam. I think the very last paragraph in the story explains the origins of the beach [either him sitting on a beach and deciding to join the army while his parents argue about his future in the back, or him flying over saigon and noticing the beauty and tranquility of the beach, not sure yet].

He's trying to go back to the beach, because he went to the beach and something unidentifiable was wrong and corrupted with this 'visit' and this caused him to piss himself.

>>533064
"the thing" is my personal struggle with conformity. the "feelings" is the struggle between democracy and communisim. I understand that feminists and mysoginists need to come to understandings. Wow. Bullet proof prose there.

Weak writing + narcissistic mental masturbation.

I didn't like the second paragraph with the Vietnam flashback. It sounds forced, kind of pushes you out of the story.

I like the idea, but the way it's expressed could be improved, specifically the sentence that starts with 'I never really liked Quinn'. The part with him grabbing the gun and about the dog is very confusing and convoluted. It isn't the sort of rambling flow that is evident in the rest of the writing, and instead seems like it's something you've added in at the last second. Kind of makes it harder to appreciate the mood you're trying to set.

>>533077
Your retort shows me that the comma splices and run-on sentences and generall abuse of the english language was not intentional.
Nevertheless, i don't want to discourage you. Remember: Noun -> Verb = sentence. (For, and, nor, because, or, yet, so) FANBOYS are coordinating conjuctions that can join two independent clauses via comma.

>>533102
Don't forget the but. How can you forget the butt?

>>532830
1) Use A4
2) 12 point double spaced
3) 25mm lhs margin
4) 50mm rhs margin
5) Use a document processing system you can trust to justify your lines
6) Times New Roman or Computer Modern Roman.

>>533111
lollllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll yea ur right

This is good shit. Depressing as fuck, but REALLY good shit.

Speaking of feedback can someone give me somefeedback on this?

http://zinewritersguild.wikia.com/wiki/The_President_and_the_Old_Man

OP is a horrible writer and should feel bad for being a horrible writer.

>>532978
>First-person narration is tough, for one thing because it's too easy to end up with too many sentences with "I [verb]", and by the end of your samples I was noticing it too much. First-person is a perspective,

This.

"Before I can stop myself I remember Quinn" = An anecdote about yourself involving one Quinn.
"Quinn would..." = An anecdote about Quinn

And Quinn sounds more interesting than you, the narrator. Your choice.

>>532830
>>532830
Op too much swearing. you say fuck about 6-10 times in 2 pages of writing. nothing against the word its just it takes away from the story and a profesional work shouldnt sound like some story from /b/

Congratulations, OP. You had me at 'isn't right'. The simplicity and rawness of the way the protagonist tells his story keeps it from being pretentious - angsty prose tends to slide into that, but yours did very well. That being said, I will quote a poor orphan:

Please, sir, can I have MOAR?

>>535114
On the contrary, I do not mind. The fact it is told from the first person perspective justifies it. He just wrote a character who is swearing a lot. People do that.

What's with this American "pseudo-realistism" "wannabe hardboiled" style?

>that's all too real
>it makes me want to cry

Ugh at the cliches. I found the first part overdramatic, too heavy with fluff, but the second part does make up for it. I especially like the nightmare bit and the ending.

And repetition's used way too much. The more you use it, the less of an effect it has.

So basically you were inspired by episode 4 of The Pacific?

rescue

The average reader doesn't care to read for five minutes about how a character feel about his situation BEFORE he is told what the situation is. I understand that you want to write your narator as confused, but that doesn't mean it should be confusing to *read* about it. It doesn't have to be so. I suggest starting the whole thing with "I wake up in a bed of piss". The reader has to read for five minutes to get that this scene in his head. It only takes a sentence, better just give it.