/lit/ - Literature

He stopped as the pavement in front him was replaced by two pairs of black dress shoes, obstructing his path. He looked up, curious who could be so ill-mannered as to block his path. Smartly dressed in cheap suits and identified by nametags stood before him two young men. ‘The Followers of Christ’ stated the plastic clip-on tags, followed by their names which Ash had neither the desire nor the patience to read.

“Excuse me sir may we have a moment of your time?” asked the larger of the two. His acne ridden face made Ash want to vomit on him. He realised however that doing so would only serve to lessen his repulsiveness and so decided against it. He wasn’t in the helping mood. He wasn’t in the talking mood either.

“I’m not a sir and I really don’t feel like talking to anybody right now.” Ash said, turning away in an attempt to continue along his previous path.

“I’m sure Jesus can cheer you up! Why don’t you tell us what happened?” said the religious youth, smiling, arms open in a display of approachability.

“Get the fuck out of my face, I am the fucking anti-Christ and I would rather piss on your rotting corpse than listen to your propaganda.” Ash flicked his practically fresh cigarette into the face of the closest one. It hit him squarely on his oily cheek. Fireworks flew as the still-lit ash bounced off his face. Wincing in pain the boy brought his hand up to his cheek. He looked at Ash, anger replacing his previously cheerful expression.

He began to step forwards, fists clenched in anticipation. The other boy, shocked both by what Ash had done and the reaction of his friend, put himself between them. Placing his hands on his enraged partner’s chest he pushed him back, saying a few words of reason in an attempt to calm him.

Ash found this all quite amusing. He did not usually act this way and he was aware of how he had allowed his emotions to dictate his actions but he felt good. His mind seemed clearer after this outburst. He let out a short laugh and turned away in search of further distraction.

He lit up another cigarette as he continued along the pavement. He walked for a while appreciating fury’s afterglow. As his adrenalin level subsided he found himself descending an incline. People littered the road outwardly displaying their disregard for any cars that may have wished to pass. They were different to the people he usually saw, in both dress and manner.

Only now noticing the dark sky he realised that he must have been walking for some time. He suddenly understood why these individuals seemed unfamiliar to him. They were people of the night.
The flickering sound of a neon light caught his attention. He turned his gaze and saw the bright purple lettering: ‘The Gathering’. Why not? He thought.

He greeted the bouncer with a tilt of his head as he stepped inside.

End of prologue.
Thoughts?

That's an interesting mixture of edginess and teen spirit.

plese tell me this is a very ruff draft

>>5213371
One of the things I was afraid of.

I was thinking of starting the prologue earlier, during the break up scene and completely removing the 'Followers of Christ'. However, I'd planned out a 'reveal scene' in which Ash would talk to the principal supporting character about the break-up.

>>5213380
Very rough draft. My word version has about half the text highlighted in yellow.

>>5213385
How old is your character?

>>5213366
>>5213368
no i wouldn't continue reading

>>5213418
Ash is in his mid-twenties.

The rest of the story takes place inside 'The Gathering'. The essential secondary characters' ages range from about 23-29.

>>5213426
Damn. Because of the character? Lack of suspense? Lack of interest?

>>5213434
Not him but I think it is terribly written. I really hope you're no older than 20

>>5213442
22. As I said it is just a first draft. I really wasn't paying much attention to how it was written. Here's some more, which will either confirm your opinion or not...

Ash, mindlessly flicked off the end of society’s bad habit, sent in whichever direction the wind happens to be blowing. Fragile, lost and forgotten with no control over destination or path taken; Ash is both the symbol of an addict and the pollution created by one.

32 minutes in, he found himself on the dance floor, alone yet surrounded by people. Fashionable youths danced around him, hipsters, punks, individuals that had chosen, for one night at least, to live alternatively. As Ash sipped the remaining contents of whatever drink he had chosen, his knees began to move in time with the music. He could feel it starting. Sounds became colours which combined and flowed into intricate patterns projected onto the inside of his eyelids.

The length of time between tracks the band was playing seemed much too long. Even during those empty soundless moments when the music briefly stopped he continued to sway. He needed stimulation.

Quite suddenly he felt the effect of alcohol dissipate in a tingling downward wave originating in his brain and ending in his gut. A stronger, warmer and more pleasant wave flowed in the opposite direction filling him with emotion. Euphoria and excitement filled his mind routing out any trace of despair or anger, he smiled.

Ash turned to the girl next to him, put his right hand on her shoulder, looked her directly in the eyes and said “You are extremely attractive.”

She smiled, a good sign, a sign that he liked very much. She was in fact very beautiful. Her straight brown hair ended neatly just below the shoulder drawing his attention to her symmetrical features and perfectly pouting lips. “You’re not someone’s girlfriend are you?” he said.

She looked around, seemingly unbothered by his abruptness, “No. I mean yes I am, but he’s not here, and that guy is just a Friend.” She pointed outside of his field of vision, which annoyed him slightly.

His eyes followed her arm, natural contours formed hills and valleys in a breath taking vista. Beginning at her shoulder his gaze slowly descended towards her fingers in an attempt to visually quench his thirst for her skin. While satisfying, this proved unsuccessful. As he reached her painted nails he noticed the other person, wearing a white t-shirt and sporting a fashionable hair style dancing beside them. “I’m going to chat with him for a bit to find out his intentions and whether or not he’s bothered by my flirting with you.” She smiled, nodded and went back to swaying her lithe, almost cat-like body to the beat.

Will continue if anyone is interested...