/lit/ - Literature

>>5107002
What makes you think you are so special that your poetry deserves it's own thread?
0/10 didn't read and I hope no one else does.

>>5107113
because it is special and important and the other critique threads are less than laughable with their zero care or appreciation towards the art of the critique.

i swear i will compensate in any way that doesn't involve lewd and lascivious stunts.

>>5107218
"special" in the sense that it has more nuances going for it in than most poetry on lit about the girls who won't dance at them at prom or how some guy fed a homeless guy one day and felt like a good one. also special because imo this will be a special poem once it's thoroughly edited.

here's a read aloud version. bit too harshly read imo but w/e the moon is a crazy witch.

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0ismgaokG3E

>>5107329

datvoice

>rotten pathways of wry thread

There are too many modifiers. An ear can only hear so many notes.

>vocaroo
Almost three minutes read aloud. You aren't exactly "renowned", so why should anyone listen to this?

>>5107384
i promise i won't pull you under the ocean unless you forget to critique the motion of my notions.
i'll even be your figurehead.

>>5107400
are you afraid of taking your time and absorbing images and sounds or just lazy? j/w

>so why should anyone listen to this?
>datvoice

>>5107113
>What makes you think you are so special that your poetry deserves it's own thread?
>0/10 didn't read and I hope no one else

OP is well known in lit and is one of the more interesting people around. You can waste your time posting this kind of thing with no effect, or you could actually, you know, read it instead?

>>5107449
Who is she?

>>5107422
>i promise i won't pull you under the ocean
You've already dumbed me down, so don't blame me for my idiotic "criticism"
Only two dissonances I can point out:

"we must rise; grab your dates
and dance!
life spirals up wards
to protect against
rival fates."

Somehow lacks the character it begs, at least visually. No capital letters may be to blame

"she smiles, the last of her
teeth bright blue,
but i wave off
her ‘sure’ and drown in
the ocean in hopes the sunlight
might see and go
dark with me."

>'sure'

Derailing pun, at least to me

>>5107555
thanks man!

>Somehow lacks the character it begs, at least visually. No capital letters may be to blame

it's a bit tongue-in-cheek, given the dance of the three main characters and their lack of a choice. "we must rise"
>grab your dates
is a reference to the stone fruit if that bit was looked over ( i just like that bit)

if it feels like it should hold more command and urgency maybe i'll remove the exclamation mark.

dancing life spirals sounds nice anyway. thanks for that.

this has been written as both prose and poetry and while i think the poem-prose captures the scene in a different way (and with capitals!), it's really important for me to be able to get this working well as a poem and my poetry does not use capitals unless needed.

>Derailing pun, at least to me
ugh i mostly knew that, but i really like it read aloud.
i'll have to see what i can do.

i really do appreciate this and i hope i don't seem flippant about your critique because it did help.

>>5107456
Some poetry girl who takes lsd and sometimes makes "I'll read your poetry aloud" threads on various drugs even though she gets shit from it by people who don't know how to write good poetry.

I'd ask her to do another, but I don't have anything recent to submit.

>>5107652
keep this in mind as i will do nearly dearly anything for a thoughtful readover by a thoughtful human being/lit poster. there's some red tape to get through and documents to sign before you get your payment but man oh man just you wait.

>>5107694
papers please

>>5107765
you gotta accept me as queen of swords and let me play as the evening of /lit/.

then you get anything you want as long as it coincides with the small print on the back of this napkin i'm symboling on, gotta make it official, ya know.

>>5107765
you gotta accept me as queen of swords and let me play as the evening of /lit/.

then you get anything you want as long as it coincides with the small print on the back of this napkin i'm symboling on, gotta make it official, ya know.

>>5107456
>>5107652
>>5107694

This, except nobody who dislikes her poetry is 'a thoughtful human being." She's too narcissistic to realize that a lot of her aesthetic choices are based on peculiarities of her taste and private associations between things, and her sense of confidence in her own genius is false, originating from heavy coffee/amphetamine/other drug use.

She's a decent poet, with glints of real skill in sound use and some phrasal choices, which is more than 99% of the utter shite that's posted on lit.

She's a pretty good reader though.

>>5107918
private associations between things

You misspelt "ancient universal mythemes" fyi.

>>5107918
>private associations between things

You misspelt "ancient universal mythemes" fyi.

>>5107918
>She's too narcissistic to realize that a lot of her aesthetic choices are based on peculiarities of her taste and private associations between things.

i'm not "really" narcissistic, re: that subject, though. i'm very aware that without context i'm going to be losing the reader, but at the same time most of the references i use are steeped with mythos people should know from reading in general. it's all pretty straight forward aside from The Holy Mountain shit i spring off of sometimes.

>, and her sense of confidence in her own genius is false, originating from heavy coffee/amphetamine/other drug use.

sometimes i think i have some genius work. i don't think i'm a genius. most of what i have that's important/thoughtful/smart just comes to me and i'm very in tune with knowing when it's not "properly me" producing something. idk my higher mind's got my back.

i'm hecka insecure with my writing unless it is an inspired work.

>She's a decent poet, with glints of real skill in sound use and some phrasal choices, which is more than 99% of the utter shite that's posted on lit.

i really appreciate this. very few people are willing to admit it because of whatever persona i put on and the shoveled up misogyny that gets thrown on me.

>She's a pretty good reader though.
one (more) helpful critique or just impression of this poem and i'll do a reading thread and i'm out of all drugs so whowowhowowow

>>5107918

Hrrssssssssss

>>5107862

>let me play as the evening of /lit/.

Go ahead, amuse us

>>5108007
>Hrrssssssssss
meaning?

>amuse us

ok but you have to critique me.

gonna eat some grilled corn on the cob and get things in my teeth then floss then be ready to speak and then i will have hecka fun and fuck you all up w/ my intense way of easing tenseness.

>>5107968
It's unlikely any given anon is a scientologist so he probably didn't mean that unless he's doing as much speed as Hubbard's son.

>>5108024
>It's unlikely any given anon is a scientologist so he probably didn't mean that unless he's doing as much speed as Hubbard's son.

umm

>>5107002
>>5107979
I think your poems are semi-incoherent on the whole, this included, and the idea of "inspiration" bunk. We probably have violently opposed ideologies. I'm going to look at some things you've done well here anyways.

Hey, at least we're not all munching eachother's assholes like workshop poets afraid to be stuck with violent each-other's.

So, this stanza.

"she smiles, the last of her
teeth bright blue,
but i wave off
her ‘sure’ and drown in
the ocean in hopes the sunlight
might see and go
dark with me."

This scans nicely as

she SMILES, the LAST of HER
TEETH BRIGHT BLUE
but i WAVE OFF
her SURE and DROWN in
the OCEAN in HOPES the SUNLIGHT
might SEE/MIGHT SEE and GO
DARK with ME/DARK with me

There's a background iambic that gives it a nice sense of coherence, and serves as something for the different stresses to play off of, and with the ocean punning, evokes the regularities and irregularities of the surf. There's also a tiny bit of hissing in the repeated "s" words, but not too much, that also recalls the surf. Jesus most people on lit don't even get that far. The stresses land sensibly, weighting the important, emotional parts of this stanza. Hence I'm inclined to stress the "might" even if it breaks the iamb. I particularly light the three syllable stressed line TEETH BRIGHT BLUE right after that regulsar line. The "but i" that gives a nice release after that. Also the strong stress at the beginning of "DARK" with "ME." Really makes that "dark" land nicely on the inner ear. It's also good there's no other real strong K's in this stanza. The K really cuts freshly. The repeated d's, "drown" and later "dark" also link up nicely.

Your rhymes are good. You seem to like internal rhyme. Have you read any Kay Ryan? Bright/might/sunlight is a nice way of suggesting the speakers hope, which links into two rhymes for two actions, hope/go, see/me. The poem ends with the logic ending in both the sense of the sentence ending and the system of rhymes ending.

>>5108070
>previous suggestions.
thanks, but i can't really get on board with that. it's not that i don't even like it, i just feel i'd be posturing or something. it wouldn't feel organic.

>Your rhymes are good. You seem to like
internal rhyme. Have you read any Kay Ryan? Bright/might/sunlight is a nice way of suggesting the speakers hope, which links into two rhymes for two actions, hope/go, see/me. The poem ends with the logic ending in both the sense of the sentence ending and the system of rhymes ending.

i really appreciate this statement. i love rhyming, they come so naturally to me that it's hard for me not to rhyme. ending on the rhyme makes it feel more fluid to me instead of like a harsh wave crashing down ending all of the tidepools.


>semi-incoherent
i don't know. i get different things from different people.
i know they're hard to just dive into but they definitely get more intricate as layers begin to show themselves on subsequent readings.


since i got my quota, i'm going to keep this up and with every thoughtful lookover i get i'll do a few more word things. off to make the thread

>>5108070
The way the lines are cut is interesting. The enjambment of drown in/the ocean is a clunky read, as is drown in/the ocean, i wave off/her sure...that one makes you seem like a comedian pausing for the laughter after your pun. The way you use repeated reference is punning here, not mythological, because it's conspicuous, clever.

The last of her/teeth is a good enjamb because it makes you read that as, "She smiles, [and it's] the last of her [I'll see]" which is reinforced by the kinda hammy Gothic background of drowning and the sun being quenched out by you. Love ending as the apocolypse. Blech. Plathy melodrama. But consistent, systemic.

I also like the cut between might see and go/dark with me because it enables the earlier examined sound effect.

Sunlight/might in both its enjambment and its rhyme feels a little like the skip you get in going "but she might...."

>>5108105
fixed the "sure" pun so it's less obvious.
i need a bit of work on my line breaks as i think this was done with no edits (such is my request)

i'm not plathy omg ok sometimes i'm a boring confessional poetry writer but i'm a flashy boring confessional poetry writer with a better grasp of language (to be fair)

The miserable lot at Luby's:
Home to decaying napkins with names and numbers,
The last abandoned plastic straw,
A corrupt murder of crows squawking at crumby bread.
How is it that the asphalt never tires?
Or loses its black lacquer that so tentatively welcomes rubber soles no matter the heat,
all while the white lines neglect a certain convention and witness wearily the triumph of a deranged man-
the curator of lifeless debts and doubts and conjunctions?
He simply can not.
Can't what?
I do not know,
nor will I ever,
no.
Not ever.
Never,
I mutter in the miserable lot,
just as the Sunday bells save silence from bored ears across the shadowed blocks behind barely anything beyond knowing.
So I leave.

>>5108127
This is a lineated short story. It actually reads better de-lineated, because the punctuation does all the work of the line breaks.

Home to decaying napkins with names and numbers, the last abandoned plastic straw, a corrupt murder of crows squawking at crumby bread. How is it that the asphalt never tires? Or loses its black lacquer that so tentatively welcomes rubber soles no matter the heat,
all while the white lines neglect a certain convention and witness wearily the triumph of a deranged man - the curator of lifeless debts and doubts and conjunctions? He simply can not. Can't what? I do not know, nor will I ever, no. Not ever. Never, I mutter in the miserable lot, just as the Sunday bells save silence from bored ears across the shadowed blocks behind barely anything beyond knowing. So I leave.

>>5108023
>meaning?
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

>ok but you have to critique me.

Alright then, I'll tell you what I think (although I'm not a true /lit/fag so credibility may be at issue here):

The first four stanzas (assuming "tide me over" is the title, lol) are brilliant, really, especially the 3rd and 4th. I'm quite surprised actually to see something like this on /lit/, you have demonstrated an awesome sensibility for sound, which is what I really love to see in poetry.

That said, it seems to me that the rest of the poem, even if quite decent, does not match the quality standard you set in the mentioned stanzas, if that makes sense. It gets just too vulgar (in comparison), as if it went from exquisite to "cute." The imagery just gets less elaborate. I don't mean it should be always dense, but, y'know.

Also, although it's great that you read the poems aloud, you shouldn't be too much distracted by your reading. You create a sense of flow that might not be really there. It's hypnotizing, but somehow misleading if you want a self-sufficient poem

100 Proof by DS

There is a place for the morose, those who feel that their lives are unjustified.

This is a place of merchants who stupify those who have patronized them.

These patrons may have a dissolution that they bought a tool to justify life.

The patron only realizes the tool was a deadly poison as they begin to fade.

Those without vigilance and self-control will fall victim to this exploitative trap.

That is the sick intention of both the suppliers and the regulators.

>>5108157
perfect for for a move-in into a reading aloud thread.

i like making people feel happy with their poetry. because, even if the flow isn't as there there while absorbing it silently, it is there because it can be found in voice.

thank you for the lovely words.

>>5108154

I should elaborate that your line breaks, the variation of your sentance lengths, and your punctuation are all attempting to do the same work, to create pace. Here, quite often, the pause of a line break and a period and a short sentance overlap, making a melodramatic, three beat pause where one, the prose one, would do. It's semi-stream of thought, so it makes more sense being read more semi-continuously, too, as it would be thought, rather than a statement, a dramatic pause, a statement of a different length, a pause, a statement, maybe a little enjambed.

>>5108157
I agree that things get "cute." I think it's the pun use, and the density of figurative language. The speaker seems like he or she's trying to be clever. Chocolate cake chocolate cake chocolate cake. It's an immature idea of a great meal. Yeats can go mythological, stunningly, without needing everything to be dense.

>>5108170
>may have a dissolution
Makes no sense.

It's disgustingly didactic. Almost a police report. Stuffed full of words that tell me how to feel. Oddly stately, official, in its use of sterile long words bordering on the legal, "patrons," "suppliers,""justified..."

>>5108230
i'm not sure if i meant it to become kinda cutesy, but all of my work is very cutesy in a sort of open raw way.

narrator is moon, she's saying her stories to the sun and she's gotta flirt to ya kno?

okay this has gotten a lot of thought and while i'll definitely still appreciate more i'm going to make a reading thread.

also if anyone wishes to delve into the coming poem if i read their poetry or just because then it'd be amazing

>>5108253
let's see what you can get out of this, /lit/. try your very darnest and you'll be fine, ok??
---------------------------------

on the subj3ct of enlightenment:

add void & sublet
regretfully cracked
ions of OLANDZ@PINE
tablets we forget to take
at stabtime. with pricked eyez
the onus on us as we
grab vines & bring bus stops
all wrong with us,
but first bust
my skull open!

why don’t You re-get
three shaken-down
dreamlines as we
lie about mispreened
hair jetting out,
setting rusted bodies
about missing
the gray train
by eons, while
neon cars drive
20 on the ugly
cagedway + say:
“hey bookmongers,
we got nothin’ for
ya fools! why are ya
so boastful anyways?”

"beats me…", we
reply as we chew
up the dog
eared trees we
didn’t earn (stolen from
a clothes-down library
in devils lake,
NB — it’s hella
buggin’ there
just fyfly. they stole
my face for 7 dollar$,
sold my soul 4 five)
no diced cloves,
enclosed, we shovel down
stoves heated by
alphabet soup. never
microwave carbon, folks!
the jokes on you,
so they sway…

>>5107329
>>5107002
This is pretty good, especially read aloud. Not gonna analyze it or anything but I liked it.

>>5108309
No idea what it means or if there is any overall 'meaning' but I like the wordplay and rhythm to it, especially the last stanza

>>5108312
i'm glad you liked it. do you have any poetry you'd like to share in the other thread as apparently i've scared people off.

>>5108375
Are you reading out loud now? Link to the thread. I'm >>5108070 , I'll post a sonnet I'd like to hear.

>>5108362
basically, it's just a story of the only three characters: the sun, the moon, and the earth.

the moon is narrating and speaking to the earth about using her to build a spiral tower (a la 'the holy mountain' or just the tarot and other enlightenment archetypes).

she wants the sun to burn out and be with her (she's asking him to sleep, be washed in the tub and have his flames expired). the earth is playful and willing to help but doesn't really believe it will happen. that's why the second half of the poem is really important.

it may not be as striking, but it's the actual story.
you'll take from it what you will, and that's perfectly fine, but i feel you'd draw a similar conclusion if you begin reading my collective (which is unlikely)

>>5108362
ugh sorry i sounded like an idiot. i thought you were replying to top poem.

wordplay and rhymes are my favorite and it's "about" something it'd just be way too hard to get into. there are tons of themes but traveling and mental illness are obviously a few.

Not too bad; you have some very arresting images. "I did not see..." is my favourite stanza, it's a excellent balancing of every element and I wish the rest were as interesting. The beginning and end are pretty unimpactful and read like archetypal teenage poetry (drown in/the ocean, thorns, looking for a way to be borne; images you expect to see in a poem). Likewise, while there's flashes of musicality (but the wom*e*n stray bare, their beauty/ never lacking against the sun, the girls rasp ashy yells/ from the wells dug below) the rhythm is on the whole a little lacking.

My advice would be to experiment with metres, and find one that you have a tendency for; it'll keep you honest with word economy and make you better consider the weight of every element in the poem.

>>5108726
thanks. it's also in paragraph form, which i really do feel makes it better. i have some fun line breaks but it's really not all that important in the scheme of things. just a little vignette that'll be part of something bigger once stop being a lazy loser.

thanks for the comments on my imagery. kinda ok with it reading a bit teen angsty in places, as it is someone calling for their lover who's never going to return, but i hope it doesn't degrade the poem too much.

>>5108309
bump for this? still doing readings. but not as coherent ones.

i will send nudes to any person who gives any real, thought-provoking critique on this poem

>>5108309

>>5108915

You know if you posted but one saucy tease pic you would have a flood of critics going for the prize.

>>5108915
It's a special sort of solipsism that has people writing like you do, reves. Don't want the nudes, just saying (well, I'll take 'em). I'm sure most here are more for the pretty Asian girl on the bus getting groped from all around, they the infinity that molests, not subjects.

>>5108935
eh, people have seen my butt before but it's gotten bigger. people are gonna call me a fatty now.

>>5108944
i was very solipsistic while writing a lot of my poetry, though at the same time very much in love with everyone even though they weren't real.

here's a one nipple thing i took after being sleepy and spider infected.

>>5109025
Rêve, honey... You might want to delete that...

:)_

i will be buggin' until i am asleepin'
---------------
missed last day

killing time in space,
for two i stood swilling round
atop a car’s dented hood.
i may have bellowed ‘oh sun
do come out soon’ but you were still
stuck inside my eucharist
in sintered yellow.
throwing up and downtown,
the wholly Father thinks i’ve
been spinnin’ fables.
the bar steward will not be crossed
while he babels
this time
i will not cross myself either:
on hunger strike for i
am no longer a believer.

>>5109038
okay enough people have seen. sorry butterfly i am easily seduced today :(

always watching my back, friend.

>>5109038
when i leave i'll probably post all my nudes to lit and say "see ya later when i'm famous" :(

>>5109048
No need to apologize. Just didn't want you to get a day-ban.
I shall go have fun in the shower now, thank you...

i knew you loved me, butterfly. :gaiawinkyface:

I saw the tits before they were deleted. If I had any insight whatsoever into poetry, I'd be critiquing in a heartbeat for more of that. Or maybe you'll send something without any work on my part? I doubt it.

Gentlemen, you are all idiots. That's about it.

>>5109130
porn4poetry and only via email. sorry but not really. put some effort in, i'm a lady.

>>5109130

Whatever happened to the trickery?

>>5109155
they were covered with my hands. half a nipple peaked out and this weirdo came rushing in.

>>5109158
Half a nipple is almost more titillating than the whole thing. I'll write you a review tomorrow.

http://youtu.be/XTOkWD6xvTI

You lock your keys in the car,
Rushing to claim a spot in line
At the carnival on the edge of town
That is actually open year round,
But only frequented on Sundays.

>>5109636
this isn't a poetry thread you for you dummy read the op

I posted this a day or two ago in its own thread but I'm reposting it because I'm bored. I intentionally wrote it as a message to myself, but I feel it's applicable to others as well.

Young and amicable wanderer,
you are filled with many feelings and thoughts that are troubling you.
I ask that you listen for a moment,
and realize where you stumble in mind.

Do not be afraid, young and amicable wanderer!
While ahead of you lies uncertainty,
a tribulation innumerable from here and beyond,
you've only just begun.

Do not be sad, young and amicable wanderer!
You may not always succeed or even hold on,
but have you ever truly been lost or alone?
Bask in your present convenience.

Do not be angry, young and amicable wanderer!
I understand you are frustrated, who on this earth is without problems?
You will accomplish nothing in mere annoyance,
remember your capabilities instead.

Do not be foolish, young and amicable wanderer!
You have erred before, and you will err again, but strive not to err,
for a misjudgment too foul will seal an unpleasant end,
so think instead and be wise.

Young and amicable wanderer,
you are filled with many feelings and thoughts that have troubled you.
I ask only that you put aside negativity,
and instead you open your arms and heart for the better that is to come.

>free verse plebs
Who wants me to dig up my Shakespearean sonnet written in trochaic alexandrines?

If it's in trochaic alexandrines, it's a variation on the sonnet that uses the English rhyme scheme.

Dig it up.

>>5112050
Alright, it took awhile, but I hope it's worth it. It's also trilingual.

When the weary wayward train stops at the station,
People get the fuck off, spill like semen, señor,
Out the train. Like ants around this anthill nation,
Crawl they. If you bring together, like man and whore,
These twain metaphors, then ants will shoot out your dick:
You don't want that, therefore let the passengers leave;
Question not what they're related to, you fucking
Hick. Erupting as they have volcanically (b'lieve
It, an anthill's shaped like that), they then spew down,
Passive, lavalike. How touching are these morons,
"Hoi polloi", as Homer would say, going to town
Happily. The train revs up again, then goes on.

After passing time, the train goes up, up, to bed,
Blown up by an evil bomber... no, no, is ded!

>>5112215
So you guys jelly or what?

>>5108309
void and sublet? sunyata and sublation? or simply minding the rent(s) of life for no reason? try not to smoke crack, it does seem regrettable. olanzapine < thorazine < odinazine. i ain't never forgotten no drugs b4 but there are some i ignore. i hate the anal onus too. sucks to get busted. i'm kinda three-getting starting this commentary but whatever. i would rather smoke a book than eat it but to each their own. geeking, bugging, freaking, phreaking, all that face theft shit is weird -- i don't want to talk about it, onto the next one:
>>5109042
ya, no, i was originally gonna do this critique for semi-nude pictures of you but as i read on i begin to think receiving such a thing would be inferior to the idealization so nvm... lol. aside from such impurity i like this one quite a bit and i appreciate the continuity between your cosmological creation myth poem(s) and your autobiographical creation myth poems but i think both, albeit particularly the former, might need more refinement to tighten up and stand independently and thus support the other better if that makes sense

much love, sorry for my useless and unpoetic commentary


>>5112215
>>5112325
I must admit the ending did make me crack a smile :)