/lit/ - Literature

sure, man. I got nothin to do. Post link.

Long how is it?

>>497996
shut up.

>>497995
liek dis?

What if Zelda was a girl?

http://horrendousmouth.blogspot.com/2010/03/cabin-writer-chapter-1.html

I list concerns at the end

>>497999
Okay, OP, I'm reading, give me a few minutes. Bump the thread occasionally if you feel it necessary.

Ok, first line:
>I am writer, well I was writer

wut? it either needs to be I am a writer, well I was a writer
or I am Writer, well I was Writer if writer is somehow your name.

>To get straight to the point without too much passing build-up, the Devil took an interest in my craft and decided to use me for his gospel.

... I would've liked some build up. Confronting the devil and having his explain this to you and your mental processes as you decided whether or not to do it, if done properly, could have been very scary.

>>498001
I didn't put in the a. I am not so worried about small errors like that. What concerns me more is what I list at the bottom and the overall story. Thank you though.

>>498003
This is the first chapter, but not the first encounter the writer has, it is the night of day two. I chose to mess up the time lines because it shows the devils process and manner.

I do understand what you mean though, that intro is done in the second chapter. I may switch the two.

>The most important thing everyone must know is that the Devil is nature, and thus all natural things, even us.

This sentence seems incomplete.

>>498004
I"m just correcting them as I come to them.

>>498007
It is very important too, what do you advise?

>dream I had awoken from, clam, sterile, all devoid of feeling.
>clam

>I was torn from sleep one night to hear my daughter scream from her room in the cabin, It was a shock and woke me as if I already been. I ran to her room to ask her what had happened and if she was ok. She was pale, eyes with pupils as big as nickels, shivering and buried up to her nose in covers. "There is a red man outside the window", before she finishes the sentence I look and there he is, a face of the man in his thirties, square and red with horns that decorate his head in no particular pattern

This paragraph changes tense halfway through. I imagine the confusion was due to the girl speaking in the present tense. After she's done speaking, it should go back to past tense.

>>498012
I'm not sure what to advise, as I am not parsing the meaning. Try rewording it a few times. Post your retries here, and I'll work from there.

>told her it was no one, that this was a dream and that she should go in my room under the covers. She did just I told.

the character's daughter seems uncommonly pliant in the face of such strange happenings. How old is she?

> The big red face frowned and sunk, much alike a child would when not getting what they want.

Needs reworking. At the very least, change alike for like. But I would write a few variations, and see if you can come up with something better.

>>498014
Thank you, you're right.

>>498016
I shall.

>>498019
She is very young, 8 or 9.

The whole I'm masturbating, he's masturbating. The cat has a penis seems weird. Honestly I didn't find it grotesque more amusing and appealing to my potty humour side.

> I told him to be quiet and that I was going to board up the window, all windows so that his sight would not be such a bother.

Plywood, to keep the Devil out? I dunno op. That's kinda lame.

>The cabin shook with his final word, and in that final word I seen the cabin fall down upon us, knowing he had the ability to do so if I should not allow him.
>seen

No, not seen, saw.

>Once again his demonstrations of power over me became his pleasures now

Either "once again" in this sentence, or "now" not both.

>>498024
yeah.... it wasent to keep him out but hide his presence as well as piss the devil off, but you're right
lol shit

>>498023
it is weird but all of that stays. I like my horror with a side of bizarre

>>498026
yes, thank you, i have a lot of editing to do as far as grammar and the like

Okay, OP. If you want to keep the whole devil jerking off thing, that's your bag. But this is a lot to hit the reader with in the first chapter.
We don't need to "Get ready" for the later weirdness, we need to like this character enough and understand his motivations enough to put up with the weirdness.
Your first chapter should always be about getting the reader hooked.
I'm kinda interested in how things got the way they did, but I don't care if the devil eats this john guy, or ass fucks him or turns his daughter into a toadstool.
I agree that weird is good in fiction. I'm not saying to make it any less wierd, But you have to work on your characters.

This is a good idea for a plot, but it has lots of problems. Dressing up the language is the least of your worries at this point. I started out fixing grammar and spelling errors as I came to them, but the shifts in tense got to me. You need to go and fix that first and foremost.

and the masturbation scene could be better, honestly. It's a little childish at this point, but if you didn't rush through it the way you do, it could be genuinely scary. The best I can think of is to describe it more obliquely, and then have the main character suddenly understand, like "Oh THAT'S what he's doing" like it was so horrifying that he just couldn't wrap his mind around it at first.

As to things like "dressing up the prose" and 'being more descriptive" that's not something that someone else can tell you what to do. That's about developing your sensibilities as a writer. Picture the scene in your mind. You should see it as clearly as though it were on a movie screen. That will help in developing your description. Also, just read more. Learn new words, and check a thesaurus often. These are things that will help you "dress up" your prose. Read prose that is similar to the kind you like to write. For dressy prose in horror, read some Anne Rice. I'm sure there's others, and plenty of them, but that's what comes to mind at the moment. But don't just read it, look at the words the author chooses. Look at synonyms for those words and ask yourself why the author chose the word they did, instead of the dozen or so other words that mean the same thing.

>>498032

Thank you a lot, truly. I don't think I would have got such a response from anyone else. I will definitely work on the grammar and tense first. As for your other suggestion, I have to agree the more I think about it. I should do the build up first. If it was just a stand alone it would work. So I shall fix that as well.

I wanted to ask, did the scene and actions leading up him waking up build in intensity? I really wanted to express this growing motion within this part, an expanding horror that grows with momentum.

Once again, thank you, I really appreciate the feedback.

damn, OP are you still there?

>>498042
As for that I have an idea oh what I want, I more or less was looking if what was there worked.

lines such as the cracked paint, red to obsidian, etc

>>498043
yes, there was a momentum there, but the curve was a bit steep IMO. The devil goes from being kind of a dick to eating the cat, to jerking off with the cat. I think a bit more mid ground would do, cuz it kinda makes the reader go "wait, WHAT?" if that's what you were going for, fine, but your post seems to be suggesting otherwise.

Also, Some more atmosphere may be in order. What kind of night was it? the character's mood before the devil's showing up needs to be filled in a little.

Also, the end of the chapter when you say "there is no daughter and there is no cat" I'm not sure what to make of this... Did they even exist at all? was it just in the dream? or are they dead?

>>498048
There are some gems here, and some places where I think you are trying a little too hard. I can go through and find a few, hang on.

>>498050
He had a dream of his daughter (comfort) and the cat never existed. The cat was a familiar of Satan, they will pop up often.

But the fact that he was just dreaming about his daughter for some peace of mind, and not focusing on writing the book or thinking of the devil made Satan envious, and for that he punishes him in his dreams, he is a prisoner

>>498053
Thank you, please do.

>>498053
One thing I can most definitely reccomend is stop using "As though' or "it was like" for things that are more or less the case. Just state them flat out, it makes your character's voice seem stronger, I think.

For instance:
> The big red face frowned and sunk, much alike a child would when not getting what they want

You could just flat out say that the character thinks he's acting like a spoiled child.

or

> He is postured in such a relaxed way it seemed as though he had been there for hours becoming comfortable and waiting for me to open my eyes

The devil was waiting for him, obviously. To try to use the "as though" makes the sentence clunky and useless.

>>498054
Okay, you might want to clarify that in the story then.

Things that need re wording.:
>his eyes jutted around, clumsily recalling the saying
Jutted means to stick out, I don't think it's the word you want, here.

>letting you know you stand to him as ants do to us
Insects of any kind are kind of overused in this situation.

>I have all doors and all keys to doors
why would he need the keys if he owns the doors, in a magical sense? or better, why does he need the doors if he has the keys?

>look over to see my daughter frozen, hardly breathing, starring at him and completely afraid

First: "staring" only has one r. Also, this sentence is kind of not good. You need some synonyms for afraid, or just say afraid and leave it at that. the frozen and staring make afraid redundant and vice versa.

>It should be noted his leisure and sense of familiarity with me he likes to insist on.
You can make this fact notable without pointing to it directly. Think of more familiar acts the devil could take, or at least but more information in this sentence, such as how the character feels about it, or something.

still there?

>>498083
It's sad that OP left, I was really enjoying reading your work as editor.

It's similar to what happens with /a/'s Bakuman. The process of the creation of stories can be better than a lot of stories.

>>498087
this is actually kinda fun. You think lit would like if I tripfagged and offered to edit for them?

>>498089
don't do this

>>498094
why not? I enjoyed myself.

>>498089
Maybe if you just do it from time to time when people seem to want some to do that. I'm friendly to namefags and tripfags, but most people would tear your skin off if you were a namefag that just went around correcting other people's work.

Also, ask ZWG to be an editor, I only read the first issue but they seem to really need people to help the ones that send stuff...

>>498095
I think I would do it on a voluntary basis, if someone has something that they want my opinion on, I'm willing to give it...I'm not going to go around and pick random stories and critique them.

OP is still here, I am making revisions.

>>498098
That's what you think now, but wait until the power of having an identity to protect and give fame to takes over.

http://zwg.wildwestwaffles.com/
Really, you seem a much better editor than the ones they have right now...

Also. Would you wait some 10 or 20 minutes so I finish translating a story to show you?

>>498095
How do I contact ZWG? google is turning up nothing.... Or links to 4chan threads.

>>498101
Lawl at irony. but sure. And thanks for the link.

>>498100
Okay, man. Here's a few more things, then.

>and the small sound of the blood that pours from its mouth onto the floor
I think you can come up with a better word or phrase than small sound, like "trickle" or "patter". Go look up those words on a thesaurus site, and see if you find one that fits your mood.

>He holds the cat this time just as he did the first, only he pulls it apart as if soft dough

"just as he did the first" implies that he put the cat down at some point. this needs rewording.

>>498116
Great idea for the blood, I like it.

The cat does die, and a new one appears, and he kills it again, and another appears. I should clear this up?

Thanks again!

Uploading to my blog, sorry the dilay.

A thing. When I rush I tend to forget how to write, it took almost a minute to remember the word beard for barba. It probably has a lot of made up words...

>>498117
Yeah, I didn't get that.
>>498119
No problem. I'm in no hurry.

>>498119
http://claramentesuperior.blogspot.com/2010/03/light-flickered.html

Advice: Be prepared for made up words and stupid spelling mistakes.

that's most of the big problems. I don't even want to try to touch the weird sequence. If you aren't happy with it, then do as I suggested above with he thesaurus, etc.

>>498127
do you want me to correct them? and what are your issues with the manuscript at this time?

>>498128
Thanks for all your work, you deserve something for that effort. I am reworking the crazy shit, drawing it out.

>>498131
I did it cuz I felt like it. Don't worry about it, man.

>>498130
Mainly I want to see if it's understandable. Then, some sentences were really changed in the translation, I don't know if they are so obviously out of place as I see them, if they are some advice to correct them would be appreciated.

Also:
>I was the first version in arrive,
meant
>I was the first person to arrive,

I just saw that blogger had the possibility to correct some shit and was too happy to pay attention, I think.

>>498127

Starting
>The background music was interesting, but a short while after I had arrived I realized that it wasn’t from that place. It was something basic and hypnotic. Not hypnotic as in Black Sabbath, hypnotic as a minimalistic version of an Opeth song.

If someone isn't familiar with these bands, this paragraph may mean nothing to the reader, but if your character doesn't give a damn about that, leave it.

>>498138
Mh...

The character doesn't really care, but I used to do a lot of Gibson like reference instead of describing and was loosing it by that time. I thinking about changing it to something else if I find something that doesn't feel too external to the rest...

>I was the first version in arrive, as most times, this would have been a nice moment for a smoke, only that I didn’t used to smoke back then. If I hadn’t bring my striped note book to write a story about a guy whose bus doesn’t come, I would have had to think about how poor my concepts have got compared to before and how I became incapable of ending a story.

Word confusion aside, this paragraph is garbled. You need to break it into separate, clearer thoughts.

>
I would bet the wine this people sell would burn all the way to my large intestines. It was so tempting... I don’t think it would have killed me, it would had been worth it to try it. They must have had pizza. I love pizza. It’s been so long since I last ate it.

the pizza thing comes out of nowhere. but this is again possibly a part of the character's voice, so if you meant it fine.

>>498145
What do you think of

>I was the first version to arrive, as most times. This would have been a nice moment for a smoke, only that I didn’t used to smoke back then. If I hadn’t bring my striped note book to write a story about a guy whose bus doesn’t come, I would have had to think about how poor my concepts have got compared to before and how I became incapable of ending a story.

I sort of like uselessly long sentences, but I may be trying to keep something that doesn't work, I don't know...

>The woman that was selling stuff (food and drink, I mean) was really cute. Another kind of person would have talked to her, but I wouldn’t do that, if that was something she liked in a man she wouldn’t feel attracted to me, but to that other person.

Another Run-on. I kinda get the meaning of it, but I had to read it a couple of times.

>>498147
if you like long sentences that's fine, just accept that it may confuse your readers.

I like your revision, I would ditch the "have got" in favor of "have become," but other than that, this is much clearer.

>>498146
In spanish it was a play of words between "last time I eat pizza" and "last time I ate".
[Debían tener empanadas. Me encantan las empandas. Hace mucho que no como.]

Anyway that thing wasn't even an useful character development, mainly, it was to keep jumping to subject to subject.

>A second light went on over two tables to eat/drink.

for a second, I thought that this sentence meant the tables were edible.

>>498148
Yep, again loosing sort of the original intention... What about

>The woman that was selling stuff (food and drink, I mean) was really cute. If I were another kind of man I would have talked to her. But I wouldn’t do that, if that was something she liked in a man she wouldn’t feel attracted to me, but to that other person.

I don't know if this works, trying to make the first part of the long sentence the cliché of "If I could just be the man I should"...

Frankly, it's painfully obvious that you aren't a native English speaker. Sorry for not being more helpful, but there's just so much to fix I don't know where to start.

Okay, I've read the whole thing, and I'm a little uncertain of the intent of the piece. If it was just meant as a sketch, sort of, as an exercise, then it's done well. But If it was meant as a story, I'm left wondering what the main character was waiting for and why.

>>498155
Same guy or second anon?

I don't plan on become a wirter, less so a writer in a language that isn't my first one. But still I want to learn more than I could from just reading text books or lurking 4chan.

>>498159
Another anon.
>I want to learn more
An admirable goal at least.

>>498158
It didn't have a strong intention after just making a mess and leaving it there.

It seems better to me to leave small stuff open and give just with that a use to the piece than making everything round and clear and ending up only with a feeling of time wasted.

>>498155
the author admits this. I'm not in anyway trying to fix the grammar, He has already admitted that it's kind of all over the place. I've seen the changes in tense, and wrong words in places. I'm assuming he is aware of this, and have left it for him to fix. If he asks me to go over it exahustively and find all the mistakes I will, but he hasn't asked for that.

>>498155
second anon. Not the person who's been doing most of the editing thus far in the thread.

>>498167
Please explain this further. "making a mess and leaving it?" I don't understand.

>>498169
It woudl be pretty unfair of me to ask you this. Even more considering that some of the mistakes are letters missing or autocorrecting without cheking...

I'll check that stuff later.

Anyway, it seems to me that it's better written than most stuff in gaiaonline

>>498175
The story jumps from one place to the other, there is more attention paid to the people in the place and minor stuff than to the goal and desires of the character, the description doubts about it self... It's chaotic and doesn't resolve anything.

The story has an intention, and it is leaving a small wtf in the reader.
I know it's a shitty thing, but I sort of like it. Anyone that doesn't want to be respectfully published is free to do what they like, at least I see it like that...

Note: Doing what they like =/= don't caring if it works/is acceptably good and show it to people anyway.

>>498184
I can see sexual reference in this... was there a motive for this post?

>>498177
no problem, man.

>>498195
Thanks for the help good anon ^^

>>498191
This is why I made reference to it being something like a sketch or exercise. As that, it is a good exercise. Work on your grammar a bit, and keep it up. I see the way you string ideas together, and I think it has potential. Look into existentialist literature, I think, like Camus perhaps. I think it might be up your alley if this is what you like to write.

One last thing.

The last sentence was meant to mean to narrator entered the place he was waiting and the bus came for the guy in the story he was writing.

It's impossible to get as it is, isn't it?

>>498208
I understood the action, but not the place. You might want to explain it a bit more. Most of the bus stops/depos I am personally familiar with are usually just a sign by the road, so....

I remember a long time ago a person calling themselves, '௵' came onto /lit/ and did something similar with their DA account..

They insulted the writing community on DA and tried to suck /lit/ in the trousers, as though they, despite being a 17 year old Canadian highschool student, were 'finally among (near) equals'.

Unable to deal with the mockery of their name they proceeded to call /lit/'s populace, 'children'.

As an anon, I sent them packing for their rudeness.

But it's nice to see some people still have good manners. c:

Having read the piece in question, I suggest you focus your improvements upon grammar, syntax and *proofreading*.

Before uploading stuff it's a good idea to read it through at least once.

The flow should be 'instinctive', and if it isn't there, you've got a problem.

You'll still miss stuff and when you re-read your uploads you'll cringe a bit, but there's stuff in your story which is embarassing to read.

>"Yes that's it, John it goes; Never mind the fool content to just sit and stare, worry about the fool bold enough to let me the fuck in right now”. The cabin shook with his final word, and in that final word I seen the cabin fall down upon us, knowing he had the ability to do so if I should not allow him.

This is Peter Chimaera stuff.

I like the ideas you've got though, and overall, it's quite readable. There are plenty of published authors like Stephanie Meyer who *aren't* as 'readable' and engaging as you. You clearly think of the audience, not just yourself, as you deliver a story you want to *share*.

Not just one you want to hear. c:

But yes. Don't take that lightly. I'm not in the habit of handing out compliments, so I like to wax lyrical when I'm able to give them.

Take care, anon.

>>498238
OP here looked up Peter... yikes

The line is meant to redirect like he is going to be clever and ends up being a dick. I try to visualize as much as possible because I am a visual artists as well. If I could draw any kind of comparison the devil was very Frank-like (Blue Velvet) in that instance. (calm)"the fool bold enou.... LET ME THE FUCK IN (screaming) as he smashed his head on the window. So I don't know what to say really other than it seemed well when I spoke it out loud. Not trying to justify it, if it sounds like shit to you so be it. Maybe I just need someway to write that part better.

As for flow, its like I said earlier, momentum, spiraling.

Thanks! I am surprised at the shared courtesy as well this board has provided me. I was really expecting to get a lot harsher comments or no response at all.

>>498255
You lucked out and caught lit in a good mood. Don't expect such niceness in the future, however.