/lit/ - Literature

She probly fucked the thieves, too, m8.

>be celebrating with King David and all of Israel
>just had a huge victory over enemies who stole our Ark
>break out the songs and lyres and harps and tambourines and castanets and cymbals
>we're transporting the Ark back
>fucking homecoming
>me and my brother were asked to help out
>we're good guys
>whynot.jpg
>We set up this cart pulled by oxen to carry the Ark
>We start walking home extra careful, etc.
>Everyone is stoked
>I'm walking next to the cart
>fucking ox stumbles over a rock
>Ark starts to fall over
>Jesus Christ!
>I reach my hand out to keep it from falling
>God strikes me dead

Th-thanks god,
From Uzzah

>Be King of Israel
>David wants to marry my daughter
>He offers a bag of 200 Philistine foreskins
>wtf
>mfw I only asked for 100

>be me, starting to get on in years
>haven't been laid since my wife turned into a human-sized salt shaker
>don't ask
>go on vacation in the mountains with my two hot daughters
>climbing, exploring, we find some weird cave
>they break out the wine and say they want to sleep here for the night
>fine with me, my back is fucking hurting
>we start drinking, singing, chilling on the ground
>one daughter falls asleep
>things start to quiet down
>it's dark now
>suddenly, holy shit, someone is on top of me
>is this even happening?
>wtf are you doing
>"just messing around, daddy"
>she slips off my pants or skirt or whatever it is
>Can't help it, boing, massive erection
>she only wants to feel it against her, that's all
>hesitant, but ok (so drunk)
>her giggles echo through the cave
>sshh, don't wake up your sister
>we're rolling around, no penetration or anything
>suddenly I'm accidentally inside her pussy
>oh god, sorry
>she whispers in my ear that it's exactly what she wanted
>commence drunk and dirty cave sex
>oh god, this is so wrong, but oh god
>she won't stop
>I cum inside
>she gets up and leaves
>her sister comes and crawls on
>phase 2 begins

Thanks God!

>be me, starting to get on in years
>haven't been laid since my wife turned into a human-sized salt shaker
>don't ask
>go on vacation in the mountains with my two hot daughters
>climbing, exploring, we find some weird cave
>they break out the wine and say they want to sleep here for the night
>fine with me, my back is fucking hurting
>we start drinking, singing, chilling on the ground
>one daughter falls asleep
>things start to quiet down
>it's dark now
>suddenly, holy shit, someone is on top of me
>is this even happening?
>wtf are you doing
>"just messing around, daddy"
>she slips off my pants or skirt or whatever it is
>Can't help it, boing, massive erection
>she only wants to feel it against her, that's all
>hesitant, but ok (so drunk)
>her giggles echo through the cave
>sshh, don't wake up your sister
>we're rolling around, no penetration or anything
>suddenly I'm accidentally inside her pussy
>oh god, sorry
>she whispers in my ear that it's exactly what she wanted
>commence drunk and dirty cave sex
>oh god, this is so wrong, but oh god
>she won't stop
>I cum inside
>she gets up and leaves
>her sister comes and crawls on
>phase 2 begins

Thanks God!
From Lot

>>4723759
>ten days later
>die
lel'd

>>4723987
top lel

>>4723833

>be me
>my brother is a bit of a dick, so God puts him to death
>whatever, he probably deserved it
>my brother has a widow now
>dad tells me to marry her, fuck her, and make a baby
>ugh, not even into this bitch, but got to obey dad or get beat to death by rocks
>screwing my dead brother's widow
>thinking too much about this, I guess
>but I hate everything about this situation
>last thing I want is a kid
>okay, then, I'll just pull out
>cum on the ground
>god strikes me dead

Th-thanks god,
Onan

>be a fig tree
>sun is up
>just standing around
>not fig season, so, granted, I'm not looking my best
>sun comes up
>see group of dudes walking down the road
>wind blows
>I wave a little
>Hi men!
>One of them sees me, stops walking
>He looks a little familiar to me, but I can't place him
>He points at me, talks to his buddies, rubs his tummy and then starts to walk over
>Dude's gonna be disappointed if he wants breakfast, it's not even fig season
>hold up, I recognize this guy now
>it's the son of god, creator of the universe
>hi Mr. Jesus!
>he comes up to me
>I wave some more
>oh wow, Mr. Jesus it's an honor
>he looks at me and makes the most disgusted face
>I'm like, wtf? God, it's me: your old buddy fig tree.
>When his troop catches up to him, Jesus points at me
>"I wanted some breakfast, and this shitty tree doesn't have any fucking figs"
>Jesus turns to me and curses me to die or never bear any fruit, idk depends on who you ask
>I start withering or some shit
>oh god, y?
>now nothing but a dead black stump
>watch Jesus and his buds walk away
>they're freaking the fuck out
>"hot damn, that tree really withered!"
>"haha holy shit!"

Th-thanks god,
Fig Tree

>>4725665
Fun fact: From this story derives the term Anon

>>4726037
fun fact: you spelled it backward

>>4725665
got any more pics of her??

Posting in a bibically epic thread!

Are there any Marcionites today?

>work for a dude named Laban for long fucking time
>marry his daughter
>tend to his flocks and stuff for basically nothing
>finally grow a backbone and say I want to leave for my homeland
>Laban starts kissing my ass, "what do you want, i'll pay you, your such good worker, pls stay, etc"
>ok ok ok
>Here's what I want:
>tell Laban doesn't have to pay me
>I'll keep working for nothing
>Only, from now on, all the goats and sheep that are speckled, those are mine.
>He can have all the solid colors
>Laban says this is a great idea
>We draw up papers, make an agreement
>done

Jump forward a few days
>Laban the bitch has removed all the fucking speckled goats and sheep from the flocks
>Now there's very little chance for speckled goats and sheep to be born
>Me: WTF
>I'm basically working for nothing again
>Suddenly get a great idea
>I paint stripes on the solid-colored sheep
>They fuck
>make striped babies
>fuck you Mendel
>I win

Thanks god!
Jacob

>>4726137
I know you said "today," but Simone Weil probably would qualify as a recent and notable Marcionite.

bump for bibble

>>4725808
:(

>>4726100

Underappreciated post.

I wanted to come up with a story about the bit where Moses fails to circumcise his son and God's about to strike them all dead, but I'm too high, sorry.

>>4723987
>commence drunk and dirty cave sex

Literary triumph