/lit/ - Literature

Don't need a comma after polluted.

Don't say awe-inspiring. Say vast or some such.

That's also a real douchebag spelling of a solid name.

how conceited are you, OP?

get the fuck out, retard.

seriously? Deryk? GTFO

>Deryk

Seriously, kill yourself.

>>457361
it's the future duh. it's got to be spelled douchebaggely.

Fine, fucking A, changed to Derrick.

He's a detective, suitable name?

He's looking through a window, not from a window. Is he trapped in the glass?

>>457372
> douchebaggely

haha, retard!
its spelt douchebaggedly! DOUCHEBAGEDDLY!
Your a moron;

>>457383
True that, thanks. I thought something sounded odd about that.

>>457379
Derrick is the protagonists name from germanies most famous cop-show.
So, yes.

>Looking out from his massive window, Deryk glanced at the dark grey sky in its polluted, yet awe-inspiring ugliness.

Deric looked out beyond his looming grey window. Upon glancing at the polluted sky above, he could not help but be overcome by it's awe-inspiring ugliness

Continuing on...


He could almost see the spores floating around freely, only buffeted by the semi-transparent beads of water.

Look at how many adjectives you used in that sentence. They're all so fucking boring, too. It doesn't tell me anything about the character, the world, what kind of story it is. Just that it's not a nice day.

Dehrryek sighed to himself. The awe-inspiring ugliness. It inspired so much awe from his massive window.

>>457400
Thanks! I don't want to copy it directly, even if it is more superior.
>>457388
Did not know that. The more you know.

>>457410
>The awe-inspiring ugliness. It inspired so much
>using inspired twice

>>457411
>more superior

son I...are you sure you want to go ahead and write this thing?

>>457410
>The awe-inspiring ugliness. It inspired so much
>using inspire twice

Dreyeryek's cold, numb hands brushed through his breath-taking finely combed hair. It was a bad day. And it was about to get worse.

>>457414
Yes.

Teach me how to get better at writing. I'm only 15, so I've still got a while to write alot more.

>>457417
>>its a troll.

If you create a new thread like this for every following sentence, we might have some kind of community project running here.

this thread just gave me a sour taste in my mouth

>>457422
ok fair enough. if you want to post some lines you're not sure about i'm sure /lit/ will be willing to help out a fellow writer

inb4 a never ending shitstorm of 'underagedb&'

>>457431
Nah, I think 4chan will run outta memory...

why would anybody seriously try writing a short story at 15
fucking pretentious high school kids

here's a tip

don't go on /lit/ for criticism.

They critisize everything, even shit that is good.

>>457438
dude I spent most of my high school years writing poems and short stories. it's not about making them good it's about excercising your creativity.

>>457439
I am aware of that, and it's great, because even if it is shit criticism, atleast I see the story from another angle. Comprende?
>>457438
derp derp, you didn't when you were a highschooler, but wished you had.

>>457439

>[H]ere's a tip[:]

>[D]on't go on /lit/ for criticism.

>They criti[c]ize everything, even shit that is good.

The author of this thread should see

>>457416

go google for critical theory, and creative writing and see what comes up.

And why is that window _massive_ anyway? HOW is a window massive? Considering the room's size maybe? Derrick's? I just don't understand.

Post the rest of the story OP.

Peering through the gargantuan window in the wall of his office, Dayrhek espied a herd of grey clouds scuttling across the sky. Polluted clouds. Awe-inspiring clouds. Ugly clouds.

>>457338
THE SKY ABOVE THE PORT WAS THE COLOR OF TELEVISION, TUNED TO A DEAD CHANNEL.

I dislike the "glanced" paired with something "awe-inspiring".

>>457460
Just how big IS massive. Does it start at 20 feet? 30?

>Massive window
How much mass does a window need to be considered massive? Actually, how much mass does your window have, anyway?

>>457480

Maybe it's just made of really, really dense glass.

>>457480
>>457481

>>457487
Like the porthole from a submarine. Tiny, but dense.

I want to know just what's so awe-inspiring myself. If only there was some descriptive method to convey it. Hm.

>>457464
why?

try this:

"The view confronting Derek as he stared out of his window was a dark, lifeless grey sky and its vast, polluted ugliness."

Also, it is really "his", Derrick's, window? As in possessing said massive window? And how is that possession relevant to the story or the general situation of being awe-inspired and all? OP, you should really post the rest of it.

>>457505
He's a detective. He's probably sitting in his office. One would assume he's leased it, or perhaps owns it outright. Surely, it is "his" massive window.

>>457460
Perhaps this is all some elaborate dream sequence in which our budding young hero is transformed into a 5 inch high man (an obvious metaphor for his inferiority complex caused by his recent dismissal from his callous lover). Standing before a massive window, staving off suicide as the cold sweat drops timely to the hum-drum gears of the great clock to his flank, his deep sub-conscious under the very threat of an impending awakening as he jumps, flying through all hells cold wind-whipped fury on the way down, only to wake after a dark and unforgiving rebirth by sleep, before he can recieve the looming grounds deathly impact. Thrown back into the vicious world that torments him so he awakes and proceeds to his actual window, which seems to have dissapeared, or was it never there to begin with?

>>457505 Also, it is really "his", Derrick's, window? As in possessing said massive window?

Indeed. OP, this would be a lot clearer if you rewrote it in lojban.

>>457510
Yeah, it's like an apartment/office combo, where he works and sleeps/lives.

>Deryk
>spelling "Derek" Deryk

Die in a hole OP.

>>457510

Well, I guess I can live with that.

>>457450
it's not my fault you're some 9th grader who is writing a shitty story. hopefully you'll have a grasp of the english language by the time you graduate high school.

Can one really glance at awe?

Surely awe forces you to watch it.

I told him, and was seen in the dark, ugly, gray in awe — massive air pollution — from stimulation of the window, Deryk.

>>457531
*10th grader thanks.

(Here, let me fix this for you, THIS IS HOW YOU FUCKING START A STORY)

Looking out the window sometimes I wonder about the way the world actually works. I wonder about how far down it is, how thick the glass is, and how much force it would take to break it. The sky is never blue any more, its' emptiness reminds me of a fucking Nigger's(African American*) dick. Black. Disgusting. Keeping society from attaining its potential. I'll keep watching for a little while longer as the fuckers drive up and down the street screaming at one another out the windows of their cars. They sit on their pourches all day long, they see themselves as kings of their castles of garbage and filth. Then I jump.

>>457408
What? COnsidnering the spelling of the name and polluted sky and the whole awe thing I'm guess post apocalyptic world i

>>457537

>>457537
that is applicable, except for all the swearing. fuck that shit.

Anyway, I was going to have the main character (Derrick) die, but not know it, and he's going to have to figure what to do. Maybe.

>>457537

Are you the guy from last nights poem bullshit? man way to keep coming through with hilarious content.

>>457537
/new/ is over there

>>457546
You sir just don't understand art.

>>457537

>except for all the swearing
>fuck that shit.

>>457513

Perhaps.

>>457515

Really no need to go all sarcastic on me, bro. For all we know, possession of windows (massive ones, mind you) might not be as clearly regulated in OP's distant detective awe-inspiring future setting as it is nowadays.

>>457537
>>457537

THIS IS OUR WORLD, THIS A BLACK WORLD

BLACK MAN IS PRESIDENT BITCHES

NO MORE WHITE MAN IN CHARGE

WHITE BOY BE WISHIN HE WAS BLACK

>>457532
the window glances at the awe before it, and Derrick is trapped between the two form's perspective embrace

I love the imagry of the pourches as castles of garbage and the sky being as black as nigger cock. this is genius.

Only on 4chan could some 15 year old's failed attempt at a dystopian detective story spiral into racism.

Please continue the suicidal racist story!

ITT: what happens if you let people debate a single sentence and why immediate democracy is not a good idea

ITT: We actually finish something we start and make this Niggardly book happen.

can OP post the whole story please.

looking out from the dark grey sky, deryk glanced at his massive yet awe-inspiring ugliness in it's polluted window.

>>457608


I could, but it's rather longish, and I don't want to type it all out right now. Someday (next 1-3 days) it will be on /lit/, for all of you to make fun of, and tell me how shitty i am at writing.

until then /lit/, i will be finishing this story.

Deryk is a shitfuck name. It ruins your entire upbuild just by being such a phonetic aggravation.

>>457612
oh boy now the sky has become a metaphorical protaganist-referential pathetic fallacy. 'No Derrick you are the awe-inspiring ugliness.'

>>457637
I don't think so, it seems to fit with the post apocalyptic setting, as almost all people in the future have fucked up names. Take it from me, Mines Oisin.

I, TOO, CAN CONTRIBUTE

Derryck looked out of his big-ass window. The amount of awe the pollution inspired was awe-inspiring.

>>457641
Looking out from his massive window, Deryk glanced at the eerily pale sky in its greasy, yet awe-inspiring ugliness. The sky cried itself to sleep every night, thinking about the girl that rejected it that one time. The sky was also a bear.

>>457338
OP, your sentence is cluttered, filled with caveats and distracting grammar/words. I recommend beginning a diet of poetry to combat this prosaic style. That, or early Denis Johnson. You opt for words where none are necessary, and draw your sentence out without purpose.

Regardless, here is my edited version of your sentence:

Derrick looked at the sky.

>>457641
huh? did you hand write it.

>>457627
thats the least of our worries, in case you haven't seen, the sky is also now a phallic symbol.

>>457660
:O woah *golf claps*

>>457669
yeah. I need to get better handwriting anyway, and it's more fun than typing.

>>457686
>meanwhile in the 18th century...

Derek looked out his window. The sky was ugly.

>>457698
I've got my netbook, which I write on too, but eh, it's not as fun.

Instead of buying CDJ's for my setup, I bought turntables. Even though they're older, they're more fun to play with. Although, I do have one of the most advanced computers right now...

Dehrryiek sighed to himself. The giant window stood in front of him. It inspired so much awe from his massive window. Today had been a bad day...and it was about to get worse. Dehrryiek was a 30-some year old detective cop from the northern provinces of south-atlantic feudal China. He was white-blooded, but he knew his way around several guns and assorted katana. Considering that today was a sort of......awe-inspiring day he could do the things that had to be done by him. He realizied that to do those things, he'd have to take his first leap out of his dusk-sullen giant window of enormous promportions...into the sullen underside of the post-apoctyolptic undercity. He would. Dehrryiek would.

Got some stuff from other posts...r&r my story, please.

>>457715

More, OP!

>>457561
No sarcasm, bro. It really would have been clearer in lojban.

> la derik. puze'i viska fi le tilju canko po ko'a fe le manku tsani noi danmo je banli to'e melbi

>>457715

>assorted katana

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I know my way around assorted katana.
BEAUTIFUL. i love it.

>>457715
>He was white-blooded, but he knew his way around several guns and assorted katana.

Oh god why can't I stop laughing

I'm enjoying a treat, Derrick!

>>457801

Its a value-pack of katana OBV lol

Raising his head, Deerhyk focused his sight intensely through the thick, shimmering glass panes of the gigantic palladian window at a long expanse of sky the color and texture of elephant skin, his pulse racing and mouth dropping open, loosing stringy tendrils of drool, at the awe-inspiring grotesqueness that comprised the day's weather.

D'erykk casually glanced at the infinitely awe-inspiring act of God.

>>457835

worst yet.

"Who are you?"
"I'm Dær'rïcck," said Dær'rïcck.

Diarrheayk stared at the big motherfucking window in front of him. The panes were made not of glass, but chocolate. Diarrheayk was pretty goddamn hungry though so he ate the window even though it was a crime scene. He was fired from the detective place and got addicted to heroine. The sky wasn't too pretty either.

>>457846
Best meme of this board.

>>457338
I hope I haven't started the "deryk" meme...

Derek. Window. Pollution.

>>457848

holy shit, I lol'd. Last line really got me.

Oh god. This thread. Giggling like a retard at a puppet show.

Looking massively from his ugliness window, Dareik awe-inspired dark gray skies glancing at his pollutedness

Looking out his massive window, the dark grey sky outside it being awe inspiringly ugly yet polluted, Derek glanced.

Derrik gazed through the gargantuan window, sipping on his kiwi flavored ice coffee while pondering to himself "Gee, it sure is funny how a year changes things!"

Deer-Hick the window-man pity-fucked the overweight landscape with his eyes

Sky dark grey through window Deryk's and massive into him and back at itself, uglily awe-inspiring, polluted, looked and glanced.

>>457337
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Looking out from his
massive window, Deryk glanced
at the dark grey sky.

Derick is now a meme.

>>458059

Everytime someone posts a shitty story, change all the names around to be weird as hell.

>>458062
Make the grammar as strange as convoluted as possible too.

I'd just like to point out that you faggots squawking "this is a meme" have actually ruined any chance of it becoming a meme.

>>458084

I think turning everything everyone posts into something suicidal dicks is the only meme that is here to stay.

>>458084
That was me. I wanted to kill this shit before it started to spread.

>>457422

needs moar vikings

Daeyryk looked out the window. Clouds. Grey. Lots of them. It was depressing. Polluted. Awe-inspiring. Inspiring in its pollution. Cloudy in its grey. Depressing in its numbers. It was ugly. Ugly in its windowness. Looked out of by Daeyryk.

Hey OP

Avoid needless description, particularly adjectives

For example: "Sweat gleamed on his massive, lavender-hued torso.” That is a horrible sentence. The fact that it got published is not an excuse for bad writing.

darryk adjusted his foreskin as he glanced out the window. he couldn't help but feel like the entire world watched in as he fixed himself. this is why derryadsdk wears a fursuit. he doesn't want the world to look in anymore. now he just wants to yiff

>>457404 He could almost see the spores floating around freely, only buffeted by the semi-transparent beads of water.

Holy crap, that's your first sentence, not the one you posted. Still, too many descriptors. "semi-transparent beads of water"? What's wrong with "rain"?

"He could almost see the spores in the rain." There you go.

>>459412

so not as many adjectives, more of what? I guess you guys like reading the story, and not the whole "lol adjectives"

From his window, Deryk glanced at the ugly sky.

Hemingway up that bitch.

feels like you are trying too hard and jump in too quickly to your character, ugliness could be a different word, not trying to be snobby but ugliness seems a bit immature

shitty opening. I remember a teacher gave us a perfect example of what not to ever do when writing, and it started out with a guy staring sadly out his window at the snow, and then he cries.

Deryk is a shit name

Derek looked out of the window. There was a city outside, which was grey and polluted and amazing.

>Slapping glass with his massive penis, Deryk gazed out at the dark, polluted city sky
Fixed.

>Looking out from his massive window, Deryk glanced at the dark grey sky in its polluted, yet awe-inspiring ugliness.

I think you should just make it

>in its polluted, and awe-inspiring ugliness
>and
yeah.

Derek slipped his raw, painfully erect cock through the blinds and out into the city air. With one last thrust, his semen projected across the street, falling forty stories to the puddled concrete below. Some of it fell on a guy's hat.

>>459669

I like to call this I-don't-know-what-people-actually-do-in-skyscrapers fiction.

>>457338
>Looking out from his massive window, Deryk glanced at the dark grey sky in its polluted, yet awe-inspiring ugliness.

First of all, "his massive window" sounds stupid. It seems arbitrary, this random guy has a massive fucking window, why? Is he wealthy? If so, describe his study/room/whatever and where he is in relation to this fucking big window; is he sitting or standing?

Second, Deryk/Derrick. No. Just no. Why not just call him Derek? Changing a normal name to give it some sort of "fantasy/futuristic style" is fucking retarded. Is it the future? Im sure people in the future will still be naming their children with proper names.

>dark grey sky
You could use a better adjective. Maybe "steel" or "iron" (although that is a bit of a cliche).

>polluted, yet awe-inspiring ugliness
What were you thinking? Fuck.

...and stolen! thanks OP

>>459690
Nice man, thanks.

Derrick is a real name, so I dunno what you're on about. I did write a new one up, but I don't know where the papers gone, so I'll post it later.

>>459703
Wait, whyyyy?!?!?! It's my intellectual property. Actually, I don't give a fuck, just tell me what you use it for.

>>459711
Yes but Derrick reminds me of Oil Derrick

>>459596
You don't need to have anything replace the adjectives. Move away from the badly-written modern fantasy novel model of describing everything ad nauseam in "epic" ways. It just comes off sounding silly rather than grand.

Derrick got up from his desk and looked out the window. He sighed as he gazed out at the polluted, slate-grey sky.

here's a better one:

Derick was such an uncoordinated fool that while observing the climate he tumbled out of his window and severed his spinal cord

>>459596 so not as many adjectives, more of what?

Nouns and action verbs. When you do use an adjective, it must be concrete, not vague. The old, old rule: "Show, don't tell."

"Ugly sky" tells us nothing about what the sky actually looks like. Even "grey sky" is better.

I love this thread.

"Today Derrick, you live forever!"
The Man grabbed the tired and beaten body of Derrick by the leg and swung him off the ground. With his strength in anger at the defeated person, The Man threw Derrick into the two-story window- shattering it on impact. Derrick's body entered the dark skies of the city before plumitting to the earth.

>>459596
> more of what

Tenses!

> While he had having been looking out the window, Deryk glanced at the sky.

>>457641
Lol'd