/lit/ - Literature

>One day I am going to take my dad's .22 and I'm going to kill all homosexuals

I was gay for Ted, but he wasn't gay for me.

This is the worst opening sentence for a novel you can think of.

One time, I died!

>It was the day that killed the night. That is, the day the sun replaced the moon.

Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came screaming across the sky in an office surrounded by heads and bodies, more or less.

>>4369805
I heartily chuckled.

>>4369779
hahaha but that's a fantastic opening. it interests me in the character. i'm intrigued by exactly what Ed's story is.

do you mean worst as in "sets up a bad story" or worst as in "offensive/edgy"?

Mark the ninja flipped off of the Spanish tile roof and landed on the ground; he would have felt great about the dismount but his fear and anxiety about his latent homosexual feelings persisted.

>>4369811
We have these threads all the time. Anons generally come up with some really amazing shit. There's something freeing about not having to "try" to be good.

>>4369800
probably this

It was time to take out the trash. Yeah. The terrorist trash.

>>4369779
I read that as "Parks" and imagined it as a whimsical story about a man who blows up parks with bombs.

>>4369816
This one got me good

John looked at the sky and cried bitter tears. It was so beautiful, this sunset. Why do I have to have this goddamn cancer, he thought.

>>4369824
oooh i can see that one being the start of the next "facebook mom" craze

>>4369811
I agree. Would continue reading/10

>>4369828
?

>>4369779
10/10 would read.

>>4369830
like the secret or 50 shades of gray, anything that every bored housewife MUST read because it's on oprah's book list or whatever

The New York skyline always looked beautiful from this high up; the way the morning sun blackened the skyscrapers, painting tall ebony monoliths on an amber horizon. Jack looked on in awe from the window, totally sucked away from all the horrified screaming that surrounded him. He just wished that fucking plane would get out of the way.

This is the story of the first time I died.

While everyone else in this 21st century were still stuck in the Renaissance, Hermann was, for one, sticking his tongue on his melting vanilla ice cream.

I awoke in the morning and sat up. "Ah, fuck" I said. I saw that my cat had pooed on my comforter. The poo smelled.

Once upon a midnight dreary I began to fap, my eyelids bleary

So you wanna know the truth about the world? Yeah, I'll tell you the truth, but it'll take a while. The first thing you need to know is that African Americans, by their very nature, are inherently responsible for all death.

Aaaargh, I screamed as the cat sank its claws into my testicles.

More often than not I'd find myself licking my dog's balls. Then I'd think "how the hell did that just happen".

My job is to fuck mothers. Not only mothers, of course, but lonely women of all stripes. It just seems like the loneliest women always tend to be the ones that are married and have kids.

And let's just get this out of the way: yeah, I've probably fucked your mother, too.

What? What? No, seriously, what did you just say? I'm trying to ask you a question.

>>4369855
>>4369843
>>4369821
>>4369792
Would continue to read

I really wish I hadn't gotten a raging hard-on 5 seconds before I had to go on stage.

*teleports in front of you*
Ohio, gaijin-san.
you: huh?
*disappears in a puff of smoke and reappears behind you*
That means foreigner, my american friend.
*you turn around and see me, i'm wearing a flame coloured trenchcoat and a classy fedora, i cross my dual katana in front of me*
My name Jacob Skyscreamer, and I am why criminals fear the night.

from a previous thread:

>You need to be standing up to read this book. Stand up, you fucking lazy fatass. You won't understand this book if you're not standing up. I'm not going to continue until you stand up. Stand up. Christ.

The day my daughter was born I cut off my dick so I could never have another one.

>>4369873
livejournal/10

I watched these people from afar, from my floating castle, with my magical binoculars capable of traversing enourmous distances; and these sheep lived their lifes unaware of their abhorrent mediocrity (because they couldn't comprehend the real true thruths of the life like me, Mikail Von Draconis III); so I would show them my real indentity, in the next days.

>these threads
program sides.exe terminated

The blunt blade of Barry Benson barely bore into Ben Bracken's bony butt. These black bisexuals were a bad batch of boys bent on beating each other's boners.

The first time I have sex, and it had to be with a soldering iron on max temperature.

Gonna cum on your face. Aw yeah. Aw yeah. Aw yeah. Awwww yissss.

Jeepers, what a pickle I was in this time; a drunk aunt sucking my fat cock and an even drunker mom in the corner finger herself to the sight!

i am not a punctual man and by that i mean that i dont use punctuation so get ready

>>4369887
This is amazing

>>4369909
that ain't an opening sentence nigga.

So the mane was all yo mate wadefuk give me dese glourious achis to the many universesand I said NO cause my waif canmight beat me to de moon and she CRAZpsycho im fucking scareD mane can you be mie nova épuse plox yes. this're my store now and go on with the nigger Marielle

>>4369915
It's the opening sentence to a story that is entirely one sentence

>>4369927
infinite jest

>>4369893
so in other words alot of screaming and third degree burns implying you're a girl i don't really see how it could be done with a guy.

>>4369779
the end, in the beginning.

>>4369938
...........

>>4369938
yeah that would be a pretty awful opening sentence

>>4369779
war, war never changes.
But that day war changed

>>4369863
Why is /lit/ trying to be bad so much better than /lit/ normally? I would read the fuck out of this and many others on this thread

This story, like any other in the FREAKIN' universe, starts at the beginning? Where in the CRAP did you even FREAKIN' think it would start, huh?

"ZOMBIES! MOTHERFREAKING ZOMBIES!" Screamed the news reporter on the television screen

>>4369954
/lit/ is usually at its best when it's just joking around w/ no stakes. not sure what else you expected

If you plan on seeing this story through to its conclusion, don't bother. I can tell you now with unwavering conviction that every line will see you loosing your bowels in terror and boredom. Before everything is said and done, you will have slammed your face against the wall countless times. Your own family will regret your decision to engage in this narrative. Now, lets proceed...

Hello, how are you? Nice day isn't it? I'm going to tell you a story about what happened to me last summer

>mfw someone in my class acutally wrote this

>>4369983
What was the story about what happened to him/her last summer?

>>4369822
I read it as "parkas" and thought what the fuck does Eddy have against parkas?.

>>4369988
go back to reddit

>>4369822
>>4369988
please try to read more carefully in the future ok guys

>It all started when I drew Muhammad.

>>4369986
I don't remember. Something about a theme park

I slipped the dildo in my ass, and wondered when the storm would pass.

>>4369983
>>4369986
>>4369994
It involved rape, didn't it?

>>4370000
poetic

>>4369988
Sometimes they can make it look like you're trying too hard to be Lindsay from Freaks and Geeks

>>4370002
Yes. The tunnel of love wasn't so great for him and his uncle.

>>4370000
I peered out the window, feeling the coolness of the glass. Then my mother walked in, and gave me some sass.

>>436998
i'm laughing almost hysterically at this,

"It really bothers my autism when people post multiple sentences when it's supposed to just be the opening sentence, one sentence not two or three you fools", I perceptively but also annoyedly thought to myself as I read the thread on /lit/ (a humerous subsection of the notorious '4chan" website dedicated to the discussion of literature, a place I had become more and more acustomed to frequenting due to the witty banter and erudite discussion of my peers (a good analogy would be that it's like being on QI only I'm probably Alan Davis in this scenario because I generally am not as clever as the other posters, some of who are extremely clever like Steven Fry) and so I sighed deeply and mysteriously and began to carefully construct my own terrible sentence, surely a task for which finally my blunderheadedness was so perfectly suited indeed.

>>4370009
Should have been "gave me some ass." I could jerk off to a story like that

>>4370010

this is meant to

>>4369983

>>4370005
But Lindsay's hot. I wouldn't mind being her.

>>4370017
Yeah, but she didn't dress very well.

>>4370015
Ass was already used. I tried not to repeat.

>>4370019
Whatever man.

People foolishly believe that consciousness continues on after death in some form, be it i ghosts or heaven or hell... as one deceased John Smith, I can tell you that this isn't true.

That day was a day unlike any other; the day I realized I was gay for justice.

>>4370025
Whatever man.

>>4370036
Whatever man.

At first, we all thought government mandated transsexualism was a good idea.

>>4370038
Whatever man.

>>4370011
Murakami pls

>>4370046
Whatever, I'm outta here.

>>4370049
Whatever, I'm outta here.

>>4370009

'You fuck yourself all day', she said, 'my god, what creature have I bred?'

>>4370055
STOP COPSYING ME

>>4370055
Whatever, I'm outta here.

"Whatever man", quoth dear herald, his fode offrung refus'd, "LARPing is for faggots anyway, I just wanted to know if you wanted any pizza rolls"

"I guess I should probably start out by saying that I am objectively better than you in every conceivable way," read the anonymous love letter on Reno's desk.

>>4369840
>369830 >>4369824
50 Shades of Grey wasn't on Oprah's book list.

>>4370000
>>4370009
>>4370063
am i witnessing the birth of an epic poem for our age

>>4369873
>My name Jacob Skyscreamer, and I am why criminals fear the night

He flicked open the switch and the dial of the old 1991 television set screeched as he dialed and dialed through the channels until he came across the fashion tv. It was time for the Victoria's Secret showcase for the summer collection, and as he slumped against the wall on his bed, he felt for the bump on his crotch, and Kris realized that he was horny.

>>4369840
50 Shades of Grey wasn't reviewed by Oprah.

>>4370114
>>4370133

which is why i said "or whatever", indicating that oprah's book list is not the single qualifier for a facebook mom's reading list, but it's a good indication.

maybe i was kind of vague but i don't feel that it's a subject that demands intense pedanticism.

For those of you who don't know it - check out the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

Most recent winner:
"She strutted into my office wearing a dress that clung to her like Saran Wrap to a sloppily butchered pork knuckle, bone and sinew jutting and lurching asymmetrically beneath its folds, the tightness exaggerating the granularity of the suet and causing what little palatable meat there was to sweat, its transparency the thief of imagination."

"That's just not my steez, Mom," I said, before putting on my sunglasses and stepping out the door, leaving my family open-mouthed staring at the Thanksgiving turkey. She had never understood how awesome my sunglasses were.

>>4370152
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0IAUwtyquE

>>4370157
that kid is so awesome. i would read a book about him

>>4370171
the movie project x was based on corey's party, i've heard

>>4370180
yeah but it's hollywood bullshit, you know

>>4370068
STOP COPSYING ME

I loved her, yet I never loved her.

I straightened my grey pencil skirt, dusted off my pale pink blazer, fixed my deep auburn and battered my aqua-marine eyes puckered my puffy lips as I looked into the mirror.

The cold, emotionless automatons were methodically exterminating my frail vampire brothers and sisters without warning.

Some believe the idea of immortality is a gift, but to me it is a curse.

>>4369805
>Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came screaming across the sky

Brilliant.

>>4369779
OP, permission to make that into an actual short story?

>>4369873
haha!

A SCREAMING COMES ACROSS THE SKY.

>>4370339

Sure, why not

Good, I have your attention, hello there, my name is Jack Vancouver, male feminist, atheist (strong) and jack of all trades extraordinare. And this is the story of how I changed the world.

>>4370396
This would keep me going, like i'd be so teased into thinking it satire. You hooked me, anon.

It was a dark and stormy night....A scream bellowed from the darkened corridor beside my dorm room, stark, harrowing, obviously there was a damsel in distress who was in need of rescue. I, however had no intention to investigate.

>Jack Vancouver
fucking great name

Hello, sir or madame, my name is Jeff Snatch and I'd like to regale you with a tale of my sexual conquests.

My plummet ended as my grinning countenace smashed through the ice layer and into the frigid waters, quenching the flames that assailed my flesh.

>>4369956
Grave and stupid. Great.

Maman died today.

What about me?” she repeated several times, clutching the blankets over her chest, each time getting more and more pathetic and the less remorse I had.

7am, waking up in the morning gotta be fresh gotta have cereal.

Look, I didn't want to be a half-blood. If you're reading this because you might be one, my advice is: close this book.

When I was a youth my dear father sat me down one November morning and he imparted to me the following wise words: "My son, Ivory vonDarkness, the thing about women is that women...women are the same as men in some ways, but not in other ways are not so different from men," I did not believe him at the time as I'm sure you do not believe him now, but the events to be extrapolated to come taught me that my father's advice was sage, and hopefully you will come to agree in the end, my friend.

In the darkness, you are never alone.

I was somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the toilet seat when the laxatives began to take hold.

Am going to teach you all my methods in just 7 days on how i became a successful businessman for just the amount of 898$ you can learn:
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Join now, subscribe, enter your email for newsletter!

>>4370545
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>>4369779
Jodie was an intelligent, beautiful, and sexy woman who only wanted what every girl wants: a man that knew how to treat a lady.

>>4369779
John was looking at the sky, wondering where the stars came from, when suddenly, two rabbits started barking and John thought, I wonder what rabbits think about.

>god mode


my only wish for my lonely life was to be a little bit more happy than what i already was feeling

I was a misanthrope for a very long time, but now I only hate women.

There once was a man from Nantucket, but his dick was average at best.

On second thought, that might be a good start...

>>4369779

One day, instead of making the effort to be the writer I hope to become, I opened a thread on /lit/ and yet again focused on the negative side of things, not realising that this would further ensure that I don't write anything worthwhile in my entire life because I don't believe in myself, who the fuck else will?

Me and my buddies barebacked this puerto rican chick last spring break, it was pretty cool.

>>4370832
Sup Hemingway

I want the kind of friends who, if I were to perform seppuku, would find the humor in it.

One crisp morning in the October of 2002 - or perhaps November, my memory isn't what it used to be - I woke up to find my heart hanging heavy with a strange, faintly alien sorrow for the crumbling moral edifices of an uncaring world, a feeling which was lent a brittle edge of urgency by the sobbing of my hirsute catamite.

Life as a zombie isn't as bad as the movies make it out to be. Trust me; I'm a zombie.

"Fuck," thought Seth as he woke up, "I have a dentist's appointment today."

"Sorry, Linda, I'm going to have to call you back; my balls keep sticking to my legs and I need two hands to properly adjust them."

>>4370932

My name is Seth and that sentence is a literal transcription of several first thoughts at dawn.

Silence pervaded the atmosphere, the feeble minded sheeples have contemplated for the first time in their lives, leaving only disillusion which reflects the perturbed looks on their faces. On the center aisle I stand, in front of what these mindless drones' phony "God". The brim of my fedora casting a shadow in my face, with only my mocking eyes remain. I am Eugene, an atheist. Enter my world.

I like to compare myself to the guy who invented plaid clothing: I have all these ingenious ideas for which I'll never be recognized.

>>4370921
Sounds like Warm Bodies, which is actually really good

>>4369779
In extravagant haste, Judy became her brothers toy but she couldn't try to remember.

>>4370961

Wow. I actually just finished reading that about 2 hours ago, and yeah, it is. I thought the movie was cute and fun, but the book is actually damn good reading.

I light up a cigar and sip my coffe. People are so stupid.

- written by 21 yo student while sitting on the toilet with his phone in his one room flat on the 12floor. life of artist

I am mad. Mad at my mum, she refuses to buy me a shimmering, glimmering iPhone 5S to replace this dull 4S?

>>4370976

>sentence

Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!
“What’s up Draco?” I asked.
“Nothing.” he said shyly.
But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

Once upon a time, when the general rules of human physiology and logic were too drunk to do their jobs, a girl named Mandy woke up in her bed. Mandy was a beautiful girl who had beautiful hair and beautiful eyes and a beautiful smile that was very beautiful. She was also very small for her age, which people thought was cute even though her small size was probably caused by some horrific, incurable disease. She was also a girl, which meant she had BIG HONKING BOOBS and a VAGINA!!!!1 Every day when she woke up she would put on a top hat and dance and dance and dance, because she was named Mandy and that's what Mandies do. Today was different, though because she realized that sometime during the night before, SHE'D WET THE BED!

"OH NO! I HAVE WET THE BED!" Screamed Mandy. Suddenly, the door exploded and Mandy's mommy walked in with a rocket launcher.

"AH HA! My parental radar was correct! You've been a bad, naughty, SEXY little girl, Mandy! Now, bend over so I can SPANK YOU!" She said. She then took Mandy by the wrist and spanked her hard on the ass.

"If you decide to act like a baby, you'll BE A BABY! You're going to wear DIAPERS little Ms. PeePee McPeePee!"

"OH NO!" Mandy exclaimed. She cried because diapers were embarrassing and bad for the environment. Mandy's Mommy then put her into her diapers and rubbed babypowder into her VAGINA, a process described in plodding, unreasonably precise detail.

"Now that you are wearing diapers, it's time for your BA BA!" Mandy's mommy then took a bottle and aimed the nipple for her daughter's mouth, but somehow missed and shoved it up her ass.

"Why are you doing this?" Mandy cried, tears welling in her eyes. "Because I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO!" Screamed Mandy's Mommy maniacally. A knock then echoed from the door, and LO! There was Cindy, one of Mandy's classmates who was also a girl with BIG HONKING BOOBS (Vagina status unknown)!!!1

"Oh, what a surprise! It is Cindy! Mandy's babysitter!" Mandy then gasped, because this was a shocking plot development. "But how could you have hired a baby sitter if you'd only started babying me just this morning?" Mandy queried.

"Oh, that's simple! I just AAAAAAAAAAUGH!" That was the last thing Mandy's Mommy said, because she was thereafter carried out through the window by millions of baby Pterodactyls.

"Hello Mandy, I'm your babysitter!" Cindy said. "Hi, I'm Mandy." There was an awkward silence, and then a loud "BOOM" as Mandy's diaper exploded with shit.

"Looks like someone needs a diaper change!" Cindy, giggled. Mandy giggled too, and then they both had sex. While they were there on the Kitchen table, naked, nude, and otherwise unclothed, Mandy said "You know what? I think I like diapers and being a baby. From now on, I think I'll wear them forever and ever and ev- WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

And then the world exploded. The End.

>>4370973

Getting into the Christmas spirit I see.

It was only after I sat down that I realized just how large my new dildo was.

>>4371021

I like it. Partially because one has to wonder if the dildo was on the seat.

Eminem wanted to be black and closed his eyes,
he could see he was black from inside.

John Smith knew he was going to die and there was nothing he could do about it.

The edge; sharp as a razor, he felt his rage gushing over it with the force of a thousand suns...he had had enough of being what was usually referred to in his circle of friends as a "huge faggot"--his feelings were mixed as two streams of magma (one hot, one cold), he thought as he pressed Submit.

I'd never given much thought to how I would die — though I'd had reason enough in
the last few months — but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this.

>>4369779
I couldn't remember my name. I don't even know where I am. I'm afraid I'm going to run out of ink. I haven't yet though.

>>4369779
I was chilling in my room with a girl in the corner thinking philosophically about all about the problems in the world, lighting my bowl filled with bud listening to mom make dinner with npr on.

Incredible the first animal that dreamed of another animal.

>I always had a fond attraction to the land of England and the gentry that populated it. Until one day, at Kensington I came across a most peculiar man . His name was Edward Hamilton, Esq., and it was said that he produced such edge, such insurmountable edge that no book ever written could record.

Louie woke up. A god floated in front of him. "I'll give you the power to bring peace to the world" He said.
Louie was granted superpowers fueled by promiscuous gay sex.
But he wasn't gay. DUN DUN DUN.

Hey! Listen!

And the straight to Chapter 2

>>4369779
It wasn't easy, but eventually I made it fit.

>>4370898
>>4370939
>>4370946
>>4371673
would read, for varying reasons

A screaming comes across the sky

>>4372041
Hwaet!

Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!).

>>4369779
In a hazy cloud of blood-dumb pain, McGregor felt the blade work its way forwards, through the knot of his adam's apple and on towards the base of the chin. Then, slowly, it began to turn skywards. Och, no, he thought before the end, not ma brain... not ma brain... anything but ma brain...please don't slice ma brain... no, no... not the brain...och, no...

Somehow, River Tam steps out of my shower.

Peanut butter jelly sandwiches are made with bread, peanut butter and jelly.

>>4372206
11/10 holy shit

>>4372172
Why does a terrible opening line give me such a diamond cutter, bros?

"Fucking feminazis," I muttered as I screencapped another tumblr post. God I wish Hitler had one the war.

>>4372239
>had one the war.
I hope that was on porpoise.

"can You please not ask me to put the sharpie in my pooper?" She asked the group of sex-crazed bigots. "I'm a woman, not your plaything."

Luther sat darkly in his leather armchair. Outside the lightning cracked but it was the middle of the day so the effect wasn't really there.

"Tie my balls! Tighter... tighter!" *pop!* --- I wake up in the hospital; my favorite fast food mascots are standing around me, weeping.

''Hrrrk, blrk!!?!'' I belted as the sweet, white powder made it's way up one of my worringly red nostrils. The black, worrinlgy huge camcorder was rolling, Mr. Omaba lay on his bed with some money bills scattered around; my fifteen minutes of fame were about to begin.

In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I?ve been turning over in my mind ever since. ?Whenever you feel like criticizing any one,? he told me, ?just remember that all the people in this world haven?t had the advantages that you?ve had.?

As the footlong equine penis dangled in front of my face, I began to wonder how I, Tyson Marquam, heir to the Tyson food empire, ended up in this situation.

>>4372113
Hup Hup Hyaa!

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.

There were zombies and I could not stop fucking.

I've never seen a good opening sentence. Why the fuck do they even exist?

The shit bobbed up and down in the the toilet, taunting me, refusing to go down the drain. I hated that green pound of biomass more than I've ever hated anything else.

>>4372295
Needs one more "worringly" tbh

>>4372234
because I'd fuck River Tam six ways to Serenity

I frowned as the the thread of opening sentences scrolled down the the computer screen, and suddenly I realized the the last one I'd read had 2 "the"s every time one was needed.

Captcha: yeamix the

>>4373681
Some people agree with you and begin their stories "in media res" and skip the intro all together.

I wish the Holocaust had happened.

>>4369779

>-I burn CDs for all my friends using my laptop - not because I like my friends but because I like the feeling of the CD-drive vibrating on my glans.

>>4370544
leld

>Damn my messy hair.

They gazed at me, and with each thrust I would fall deeper into their gaze.

As I looked at my scab collection I knew each of their stories must be known, so now, I shall tell them to you.

I woke up, and bombs were going off outside. Understandably, this was fucking terrifying.

>>4373682
This is from something, I think.

>>4370983
all of my fucking rage jesus christ i can't handle this

>>4373767
You think wrong. Might be similar to something, though.

>>4370983
I started tearing at my hair. That made me want to burn apple headquarters to the ground, and dance on the ashes.

The sad thing is that I'm typing this from an iPad, so it's invalid.

>First I fell asleep, the following is a dream:

The city was dark and brooding in the late Autumn twilight.
My fathers hand securely locked in mine, we strode through the city, the sounds of a marching band drifting on the wind.

WARNING: If you're expecting a sappy Hollywood story in which everything works out in the end, I suggest you close this book now. Hi, my name is Clifford Meckzikan, and this is the story of how I found a hidden treasure chest, only to lose it five days later.

I'd never given much thought to how I would die — though I'd had reason enough in the last few months — but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this.

Only a year ago I was unemployed, living with my parents, and afraid of social interaction; now I'm the leader of sex operation; most people call me a pimp; my employees -- they call me King George.

>>4369779
>>I always hated Pakis, and one day I finally decided to do something about them. My name is Edward Hamilton, Esq., and this is my story.
I'd read the shit out of that book. Fuck pakis.

It was a dark and stormy night.

When I was a child, I had never thought that it would be like this. I had been told a great many things, and my travels into adulthood were like crossing off items from a great list of naive myths.

Now, this is the story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down and I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air.

>>4369779
I woke and rolled out of my bed to hear the sound of the hooker vomiting on my bedroom floor.

The wind was floating in the vast blue sky. My face was filled in the brightest air.

>>4370983
>i keep dropping my baby
I didn't see that coming

>>4370843
>this is true

>>4373914
That's actually pretty funny.

Once upon a KABOOM!

The clouds formed like scrambled egg prepared by an autist in the banana jaundice yellow of the sunset.

>>4373815
That doesn't make what you said invalid.

>>4373942
Haha, all of thsoe retweets were made by the twitter user "@fart"

>>4369779
My erection is painful, and the sound of my screaming has only been made worse by the constant farting.

Adaleae, the half-demon elven warrior princess woke up, opening her emerald eyes which gazes in your soul.

>>4373909
This sounds like rap lyrics.

>>4369792
Continue.
You have my attention.

My fist fumbled around in the dark, attempting to K.O. that alarm clock for good; Mondays were never my strong suit, they were about to become an even weaker suit of mine.

>It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

>>4374244

This is the kind of shit I hear in my creative writing class all of the time.

Right now I get to hear about a homosexual werewolf.

Or a werebear or something.

Sure is .. creative.

To be, or not? I could always turn to Bill (Shakespeare) when things got tough, but when a twist of fate landed me in 17th century London town, things were really tough.

>>4374267
>>4374278
Genuinely awful. Excellent work.

First chapter:

The studio was filled with the rich odour of roses, and when the light summer wind stirred amidst the trees of the garden, there came through the open door the heavy scent of the lilac, or the more delicate perfume of the pink-flowering thorn.

But it was her, eyes, oh her eyes which always came back to me ; she had eyes like a whirlpool which could suck you down and drown you, eyes big and blue enough that you could drive a large boat around on them; she had anime eyes.

>>4374879
10/10

>>4369779

>“Is this morally right? Can I throw in the garbage the great castle of a whole life build with norms and imperatives of studies in philosophy simply to taste the sweet blessings of that young girls body?”. This was the questions that contorted itself (like a bullet in the mouth of a child) inside the brain of Trip McField, professor of literature and philosophy of the University of Harvard, on that fresh and rainy autumn evening, while he smoked a cigar and drank whisky in the front porch of his house. “What normal men – this nasty race of naked gorillas, of bests that we all really are – would not give up everything to sleep with a girl like Karen? Would not any angel give up his bed of dew and shining snow in Heaven to live with her in hell?”.

Man, I just can’t stand all that shitty novels in which the main character is a fucking writer or literature professors. Who in the world thought that these losers are interesting people? And who would believe that hot girls would show any interest in such clowns?And all that trying-to-hard need of painting literature professors as cool-blasé individuals, who enjoy to smoke good cigarettes or cigars and drink whisky…it’s painfully sad.

>>4374908
>(like a bullet in the mouth of a child)

sorry, wrong translation

(like a candy in the mouth of a child)

It was 5:30am and for the third night in a row my mind's voice seemed to be louder than usual, as though the words of another anonymous poster were being narrated to me, by me.

I clocked it before he had a chance to survey the room; a folded steel katana dressed up as a walking cane, my past had finally caught up with me, and it wasn't happy.

In four hours their ersatz Christ with his anti-grav sandles would be broadcast walking across the water of the Washington Monument, instantly plunging America back in the dark ages. The only factor the Vatican had left out of their equations, was agent Copernicus Gallileo.

>>4370979

Great stuff. Change the ending and add more.

>>4374911

Its better the other way.

>>4375017

I had already gotten to school by the time I realised I was only wearing one shoe.

>>4372287
This made me lol so fucking hard.

Most people don't carry a concealed pulse-revolver with them when shopping for groceries, then again, most people aren't tasked with the hunting of rouge time-bandits... My name is Jock Wheeler, welcome to my life.

"I opened my eyes and stated at the curling for what felt like an hour, then I opened my Macbook and navigated to 4chan's /lit/ board."

>>4373885
Fix with "King George Pussy Lips"

I was half-way into the lecture when a light-bulb flicked on in my caffeine addled brain; I had forgotten to flush the toilet when I took a shit this morning.

Tavish McMooch stared out across the wide, brooding glen. His icy stare reaching into the distance, but for what? None shall know but he, and if there ever was an answer, it was lost the moment he returned to this world. Perhaps it was the tower of acrid black smoke emanating from some distant point to the East. McMooch mounted his horse, a strong, black, brooding stallion known to man and horse alike as 'Stallion', and took off like a junkie caught shoplifting out of Primark.

For days he rode, passing village after brooding village, the womenfolk eyeing this tall, brooding stranger with the suspicion McMooch had come to associate with this cursed region. The foul stench of fear was in the air. McMooch knew there was trouble ahead, and that fate had brought him here, just as surely as it would bring him to the grave.

McMooch approached the gates of a strange city, a place the likes of which he had only heard in children's tales; the walls were ersatz and brooding, as was the gatekeeper. Disfigured and hunchbacked was he, a true son of his people. He tied Stallion to a nearby tree, and cautious approached the entrance. McMooch kept a wide berth of the gatekeeper, his hand creeping towards his blade. The hunchback dared not impede him. It pushed open the gate, a contorted grin spreading across his face. McMootch grimaced, and entered the city.

All of a sudden, he found himself ankle deep in all manner of filth. The smell was indescribable. Brooding? Too mild a word. The whole town was as defiant towards the human power of explanation as its odour; children as young as five rutted in piles of matter by the roadside for handfuls of pennies, men simply lay down and waited for death rather than be condemned to the agony of living, McMooch, after three minutes, counted four souls sink beneath the fecal tide, their faces empty and misshapen. The women birthed and consumed their young, in an obscene parody of life itself. The town crier danced a jig atop a pile of corpses, only stopping to empty himself onto the screaming crowd below. McMooch was stunned.

'So this', he murmured, 'is Aberdeen.'

>>4370979
I loooooooove this.

>>4370979
>>4375105
>write the worst opening sentence

Fucking failures.

And a long awaited classics.

"As I looked over the ruins of past life, I whispered:
> lel"

I am haunted by a melancholic beat. Slender knuckles undulating, a war drum of the forsaken; my Uncle's wrist-powered love talons.

"How to you plead?" boomed the judge, confident in his old-fashioned knowledge, I took a moment, then with a grin shot back "I plead freedom", confounding the old swine with my disregard for his rules and sparking a frenzy amongst the news-hounds. What follows is a story of bravery, philosophy, of truth, this is the story of a movement that would become known the world over as one word: OCCUPY.

'ello lads. Me name is edmond mclicfuq, and I do what I want, when I want. Fuckin' ay!

>>4369779
>>4369800
>>4369821
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>>4369843
>>4369854
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>>4369983
>>4370009
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>>4370979
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>>4373827
>>4373874
>>4373909
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>>4374278
>>4374908
>>4375105
>>4375136
>>4375180
>implying the opening sentence of a novel has multiple sentences

>>4375217
>implying a sentence can't be two sentences

I awoke to find I had shit all over Gloria.

>>4375234
r u trying to trick me?

>>4375241
>implying a sentence can't be two sentences

>>4375241
check your fucking privilege, shitlord

>>4375241
he's right though
>: a group of words that expresses a statement, question, command, or wish
a paragraph could very well be a sentence given how freely creative writing is allowed to warp the english language for its purposes

>>4375250
Well, technically this is true. Semicolons basically serve to join two independence statements as a single sentence.

>>4375312
A sentence can be more than one independent clause without a semicolon. Comma splicing ftw.

>>4369800
kek

I am using a semicolon; semicolons basically serve to join two independence statements as a single sentence.

Life would never be the same again, but could that be a good thing, or was it indeed a bad thing?

>>4375312
implying the quoted posts use semicolons instead of periods

>“People always say that life is great no matter what, they always say live each day as if it was your last.” Such words seem meaningless to me.
What do you guys think about this?

He looked down at his stump for a hand and recoiled in horror at the sight before him: maggots, maggots, MAGGOTS... maggots; maggots?

There was something in the way Haym looked at me that really made fall in love with him; not just him as a person, but his 40 foot long serpentine body, and his personality.

Blood was dripping from my knuckles and tears were streaming down my eyes and I looked down at my mother's bloody corpse and thought "how could this have happened?" and so I decided to tell you how it happened.

>>4375105
Mother of fuck, that's like the opening pages, what are you even doing?!

>>4375445
That sounds more like somebody explaining their book, badly.

Here's the story of how I met Marvin Gaye and Jesus in the same night; we didn't actually get to talk, though.

>>4375464
Wall of exposition needed?

>>4369861
Why doesn't this get praise? It's glorious.

On that surreal world, he stood in front of the grave and was consumed with grief.

I pulled out my finger and held it in front of her nose, unable to believe how well my Christmas Day was going

>>4375105
I really feel stupid for cracking up every single time you used the word "brooding"

This is it.

>My name is Sasha Grey.

"I wonder if I'm the only person in the world right now thinking this exact thought", laughed the man.

The last apple dropped from the branch. A bright, maroon bastion of a once great orchard; Rendered dull and uninspired below the still, grey skies of an English November. It lay solemnly atop its fallen brethren who, inevitably, had been reduced to oaken mulch.

Linus Torvalds turned on the computer, desperately searching the linux files for and hint of the decrypted the ascii information which could stop the partitioned hard drive from deploying the nuclear bomb! BUT COULD COREY DOCTOROW STOP HIM IN TIME???

Jim "Jimmy" Stevens was not your average forklift truck driver, he was also a bingo-hall announcer, and had a penchant for playing bingo also.

The jewel encrusted sword felt heavy in his hands, and was slipping due to sweat from the heat, "We're done playing, now's time for the slaying" and he sank the blade deep into the dragon's heart.

Two men exchange glances at a bar. One, a defeated forty something. A beaten, black leather briefcase sat by his shit stained brogues, constantly within reach of his gnawed and twitching finger tips.

The other, myself; an aggressively narcissistic shemale of cambodian descent, consumed by a desire to fellate recently divorced men. This is the story of July 15th.

It was sunny outside, but Phil decided to stay inside breeding a perfect Pokémon of every kind, even if it took him weeks of pressing left and right. It did.

Tick-Tock went the clock, time was running out for one Mr. Broquell, not that he knew it...Tick-Tock.

>I always hated /lit/ snobs and their pretentious ways, and one day I finally decided to do something about them. My name is Gloria Johnson and this is my story.

>>4375235
Kekked.

The Sky, which was always solid, wasn't there that Day. His World broke apart. Buildings all over him started to fall in their components and thus reached the students on the bottom.

>>4369983

Hello, how are you? I'm Mick. What's your name?

...?

>>4375217
read this, buddy
>>4370011

>>4370120
Daniel Bryan?

I have always hated my parents for bringing me into the world, I know for a fact that I was much happier before I was born.

>>4370979
thank you

>>4369779
I would totally read this.

I am swarm of African bees on fire, I'm ready to fuck shit up.

They don't call me "Suckin' Sam" for nothing!

Trigger warning.

The stupidest fucking thing my asshat of a father ever told me was "son, you need to stop blaming the jews for all your problems".

>>4375217

OP here, I meant to say "write the worst opening line" a la the other threads.

I put on my fedora and my trenchcoats and walked to school and shot people because they don't understand the world were much better in the 50's when men was men and the government wasn't run by reptilian spacejews then I went to prison, I told you it was a police state didn't i? DUN DUN DUN!

Mickey reluctantly dropped his transit into 1st, the M25 clockwise was grinding to a halt, no suprises there, but that sausage & egg butty was doin' a right number on his pipes.

>>4375512
Me too. I laughed for a solid few minutes at that.

My old man always told me to dream big, and for once in my life, maybe I will.

I like food, and by "like" I mean "love" (for future reference, when the word "like" is used hereafter, it has the conventional meaning of "like").

I could write a whole book about all my qualms and grievances against my friggin' parents. So...uh...I THINK I WILL!

Ragnar Most-beard's pattern welded sword shattered the low carbon content iron of the authentically and cheaply made Japanese katana. Time traveling assassins wouldn't kill Hitler this day, if forwards traveling Vikings had anything to say about it.

>>4377218
>low carbon content
Just perfection.

>>4375130
lel'd indeed.

>>4375586
lol'd and bump