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/lit/ - Literature

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4216075 No.4216075[DELETED]  [Reply] [Original]

Good evening, /lit/. I'd like to know if I'm on the write track with the start of my story, entitled "Excarnation"


The weight of the carcass was substantial as Adrian heaved it over his shoulders. Death had freed its muscles of all tension and the heavy rain soaked its fur, doubling the load. A primal animal smell filled his nostrils as its coat rubbed against his cheek. His work shirt was stained with dirt and drool from the animal's unhinged jaw. Leaving his vehicle behind and running, with only the headlights to guide him, he struggled several feet to edge of the road. Dropping the animal from his back proved difficult, so he knelt down and shuffled himself from under it. Its body twisted and contorted as it rolled down the hill.
Grabbing the hind legs he pulled the deer to the outskirts of the woods and stopped again to activate his head-torch. A pale beam penetrated the darkness of the night, illuminating the trees a dusty grey. Adrian turned to the animal and in the new light saw a cold and expressionless face. Its eyes, widened pools of nothing, stared distantly and held no light of their own. Moving further into the depths of the forest the noise of the vehicles on the road above faded into the ambience of nightfall.

Thanks,

anon.

>> No.4216081

If you don't know yourself, then you're on the wrong track.

>> No.4216086

>>4216081
I just wanted to know what others think of what I've written. Objective criticism is good, no?

hmm....

>> No.4216092

>>4216086
there's no such thing, but i guess it rubbed him the wrong way how you hedged your request for a critique.

>> No.4216137

>>4216092
It's not uncommon for people to post their work and ask for critique though?

>> No.4216182

>>4216137
no, but they are usually direct about it. asking if you're in the right track is too white-gloved for /lit/m i guess. i'll do it, i suppose.

>The weight of the carcass was substantial

You don't need "the weight", and substantial is a weak adjective. You might want to start the sentence with Adrian (that's actually my name) as the subject and provide the heavyness of the carcass through some verb. "Adrian heaved the carcass over his shoulder." already provides most what you have in there.

>Death had freed its muscles of all tension

freed is an awkward verb you relieve or soothe tension, you don't free yourself of it. if you reverse the sentence [heavy rain... and death had], it's more powerful.

>primal animal smell

primal already has animal connotations, animal is redundant.

>His work shirt was stained with dirt and drool from the animal's unhinged jaw

i must sound like a broken record by now, but reverse the object-subject order.

>Leaving his vehicle behind and running, with only the headlights to guide him, he struggled several feet to edge of the road

how can he run if the weight is substantial enough to be noteworthy?

>the darkness of the night

redundant but it's minor.

>widened

wide

>Moving further into the depths of the forest the noise of the vehicles on the road above faded into the ambience of nightfall.

spatially confusing.

it's ok, but it seems like it was taken from the middle of a story. very little context and the imagery doesn't really carry it enough to justify the lack of it.

>> No.4216206

>>4216182
This is great. Thanks.

>> No.4216210

>>4216206
no prob anon.

>> No.4216213

>>4216206
I'll admit that some of these word choices and the verbs I used really were redundant and out of place.
The reason I wrote these paragraphs first is because I wanted to catch the reader's attention with the opening sentence and then as the story unfolds it is revealed why he is moving the deer's carcass.

>> No.4216231

>>4216182
I know it's an awkwardly written sentence, but the car is supposed to be running. I thought that was a neat and more fluid way of writing it. "Behind and running". I should've just stopped trying so hard and just written "Leaving his car behind with the exhaust running"...