/lit/ - Literature

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Come on /lit/ the work is not even that long

So I skimmed through it and there's no lesbian sex scene. I don't what the hell you were thinking.

so that's the guy she was sad about? what was the one thing that went wrong? is she going to be sacrificially raped and murdered?

>>4182348
I planning on adding that in later. For now I wanted to see what everyone thought of the work so far.

Considering the time at which I'm posting this and how sleep deprived I am, I am going to give a rating of: "Not blatantly terrible. Did not give me eye or brain cancer nor do I feel the need to gouge out my eyes."

Quite the glowing review, relatively.
I would comment more, but I'm off to sleep, and this thread will yet remain,

Are these all gifs from that one weird animated video that starts out normal that becomes disturbing and rather gory?

If so, are you basically doing a write-up of that, or similar?

I tried to forget about it, so I don't remember.

>>4182369
I see. These are Garden of Words.
Entirely different.
Don't like Shinkai either though.
I wonder why it made of think of what I posted about here though.
Oh well.

BEE imitators are a dime a dozen.

>>4181900

too much direct referral to arianna and the named characters. Do you even pronoun OP?

>>4182376
Whats BEE?

It's not that bad, but I had few issues with it.
The bathroom descriptions are both unnecessary and really awful.
There are few "confusing" things (for example: he asked about her and suddenly stopped listening ? it might've happen but the way you described it was "confusing" ).
The prose often felt too bloated. Several times you got lost in your own words, which wasn't enjoyable to read at all.

Overall not so terrible. The initial descriptions were by far the worst part, but in the longer run it's the unclear prose that will pose the biggest problem.

>>4182473
Thanks, do you think you could say some more about the bathroom descriptions (initial descriptions) and about the prose being bloated.

>>4181900
>http://pastebin.com/nCVi1MNK

I like it, but english is not my mother tongue, therefore my judgement about the way you wrote that, private, might not be accurate.

>>4182508
>Lindsey looked at Arianna for a moment, then at the tiling, then Arianna, and then with a sigh turned to her right to look into the bathroom mirror to check her makeup.
And then she eat her breakfast, and then worked, and then ate dinner, and then died, and then the book ended.

>with a white background, but the white had faded to a very light yellow and was peeling off here and there all over.
So how exactly did it peel off ? You engage in a detailed description of a ceiling. So far, for the reader, it's the very begging. Nobody's interested in a bathroom ceiling. Even if there was such an individual, he wouldn't enjoy reading that description because of repetitions and inconsistencies.

>its walls were covered in plastic since Lindsey’s father began remodeling it two years ago.
Do I really need to know that ? That's why your prose is bloated. You write all those little things, word, that are useless and just litter the text.
>inb4 go to sleep Hemingway

> knowing he had lied about the moon.
Then what did he do ? You just mention then drop. If it's pointless cut it out. If it was mentioned earlier, cut it out. Readers aren't idiots they'll add two and two. If it's going to get mentioned later, hint, don't spoil. In each case just saying that she laughed would've been better.

In some places you could've elaborated for aesthetics's sake:
>white bathroom carpet, which smelled horrible
>noticed a figure of a boy sitting on Lindsey’s front yard table.

There. I walked you through the whole thing. It's not terrible. Just write more and try to improve, you're on a good way. Also, remember to edit things, then "publish" them. The more I looked at it, the bigger was the feeling of reading an unfinished, unpolished work

>>4182577
>Lindsey looked at Arianna for a moment, then at the tiling...
The reason I wrote that little bit is because I like describing character's actions and movements, and I think it adds to the attitude of the character. Do you agree?

>with a white background, but the white...
How would you describe the environment? Most of the short story is going to take place there, and its not that much description to begin with.

>its walls were covered in plastic since
Same as above, what would you have in its place?

> knowing he had lied about the moon.
I added that in there because I didnt want the reader to think that this character actually got lost looking at the moon.

Also, remember to edit things, then "publish" them. The more I looked at it...

>>4182360
Just the first draft, no intention of publishing it right now. Just put it on paste bin so its easier to show

>>4182616
>The reason I wrote that
This one's tricky. It's my subjective opinion. I don't like the sentence, and it was noticeably rejecting when I read the text, but I might be biased. Look for another opinion here.

>How would you
First off, I wouldn't repeat the word "white". I won't write that sentence for you. Keep and open mind and think about it for a while. You can surely come up with something better.

>Same as above
It's fine that the walls were covered in plastic, but why would I care who and when covered them ? Is it somehow important ? If not, cut it out.

>I added that
Spoil the ending, or else they might think it's something different than you planned.
Readers aren't idiots. She said that he said- does it really sound as a definitive information? You don't have to state every detail.

>Just the first draft
Then what is it doing here. I made a mistake. I didn't mean to put publish in quotation marks. I meant to say "edit it before you show it to anyone. when you give your work for someone to critique it, make sure it's the best version of it you can make on your own"

Still looking for more critiques

>>4182658
>Look for another opinion here..
Im trying

>I wont write that sentence for you...
Im not going to take your sentence. It would just be easier for me to judge my own work while thinking of your critique if I knew how you wrote. What if I dont like your writing style, but realize that what you wrote is more clear than what I've written? Just telling me the description is unneeded doesnt help too much. Like you said, inb4 Hemingbro

>Is it somehow important?
Again, im not sure how to answer this since I dont know what you think is important. I put it in since it added some background to the character, and gave the bathroom a more personal feeling. I mean who remodels a bathroom for two years? I would hope that would make the reader wonder if something might be off in the house, and then maybe feel empathy for Lindsey since she is acting blunt to Ari.

>You dont have to state every detail
With the Glass Prince its difficult, since a big thing with this story is creating tension around his character. Someone who read this before told me that they hated the glass prince because I didnt have a line saying, she knew he lied. They thought he was a space cadet, and really really hoped they were wrong.

>Then what is it doing here
I can edit this story until I die and it wont be finished. This is one form of it, and it has enough I think for the reader to think over.

>>4184225
bump...