/lit/ - Literature

Up ahaead the windows of the dispensary glissened like sweat. But Jason knew what he had to do - he had to defeat the creature before he could continue to the dispensary. His dog refused to leave his side. Jason pulled the AK-47 with special armor penetrating rounds from his back and began to open fire up the creature and its surrounding area. The create pulled out a weapon of its own, but before the creature could get any rounds off of the gun Jason shot it out of his hand, while his dog ran upon the creature and ripped its throat out. But the fight wasnt over. More began to show up, and before long Jason and his german shepeherd were surrounded.

2/10. Diction and grammar of a ten-year old.

sage

pt. 3

Jason decided the only way out was suicide. He felt very emotional regarding the decision to end the life of himself and his companion, the german shepherd, which moments earlier had saved his live; but he knew inside; that that was what he must do or, on the other spectrum, be aten. So without giving it a second thought he pulled the trigger with the muzzle facing his dogs and and then turned the gun upon himself, they both died within seconds.

Little did Jason and his dog know, help was on the way. A helicopter was in route for there rescue, but it was too late. But another survivor of the Blasts appeared at t he medicine store door. Will the helicopter be able to save her?

More feedback please. I wasnt going to post all 23 parts as I wanted to sell this on Amazon but if i havnt given enough for a proper review I will keep posting.

pt 4/23

The helicopter swooped in from above, only in time to save the girl that had come outside of the medicine dispensary. "Thanks for saving me" the girl said with a two faced grin. "No problem" the soldier replied cooly. That was the fifth stranded survivor they had rescued that week. A survivor a work day, he thought. "Where are we headed?" asked the girl, but she was actually a woman really, as she was over 23. "We are headed to the Pyramids, the creatures can not clime those."

"Oh." The girl replied. She had always wanted to visit the Pyramids, just not under such violent circumstances.

pt 5/23

"If anything is proof of god, its the pyramids" the Girl let out with a German-accesnted smerk. "Your German?" The man that had saved her life asked. "Yes, I am German! How did you know?" "My aunt was German!" "Your Aunt?" "Yes!" The girl began to have feelings for the man - she didnt really know him - but he seemed to respect females, and clearly was educated to be able to recognize her hidden German accent from a single messely half hearted smerk.

sorry cant post faster guys

I think /lit/ has the best trolls of all of 4chan.

>>4049206
to >>4049151

agreed. I wont post anymore until someone gives me some REAL feedback not just a "2/10"

>>4049213
Well you could start by actually spell checking what you've written.

Shit beyond criticism.

Read more, think more, play less.

Great execution; subtle, yet thoroughly nuanced by that professional touch. You had me enthralled until >>4049198 , where my disbelief could no longer be suspended, by that little comment at the end. Good one, though.

7/10, would be baited again.

>The girl began to have feelings for the man

This has to be a troll.
Breddy good 7/10

>>4049224
>>4049227
>>4049229


Why are you guys calling me a troll? this is why i knew i shouldnt have posted my stories here. you guys are too critical and spend way to much time focusing on the bad and focusing on the good.

I am going to try to post in another board with less idiots.

>>4049249
There's nothing good about it.

>I am going to try to post in another board with less idiots.

You can try, you're still going to get similar feedback.

>>4049257

No I wont. I found that users in the past when I post my stories and poems and other writings do not act near as culturlarly deprived as the Literature board.

If tje 7/10s were real then i will continue here but dont expect me to post the hole things because I will not.

>>4049257

And dont tell me there is nothing good about it. What have you written? Where are your writings? Post youre english transcript, I bet you got D's and F's. I happen to be part of my local ibrary's rotary literature and writing club. For you to say it is nothing good about it is simply not correct.

>>4049264
0/10

>>4049264
>>4049273
Okay now you're making this too obvious.

>>4049213
>noon day

Is there a noon night???
Seriously, I stopped reading there.

>>4049213
He actually gave you a modest rating, I think.

Here is an expert from the end

pt23/23, ending variation part 1

The camp was becoming ever so slightly windy, with clouds billowowing over head. It was time for the camp to move to the forest. "We must get moving, the Creatures will be here soon." "We need a new name to call those bastar-" Just has he was about to finish his sentence, one of them jumped out from over the fence of the left imbankment and began to maul him in the throat. "OH SHIT!" shouted the other soldier. The soldier open fired, accidentally pierecing the mouring flesh and mind of his commrade that lay on the ground, dieing.

>We've decided to introduce a new character...this is someone you will actually care about

>>4049131
Why did you say, to his german shepard in line 2? the next sentence explains that. Thats when i stopped reading.

>>4049131
This is terrible, OP. Maybe you should become a proofreader or something. Ug.

>>4049131
OP, if you are not a troll it is because your writing is absolutely abominable. I hope you have a back up plan.

If you want a proper critique at least post it on a google doc

>>4049383
an...expert?

wow is this a serious attempt? i thought it was some joke fanfiction

>>4049131
lmao this is hilarious OP. I'm fairly sure you're writing this satirically, and in that case you've done a great job. One of the better pieces I've seen on /lit/

>>4049177
>A survivor a work day, he thought
>She had always wanted to visit the Pyramids, just not under such violent circumstances
>a single messely half hearted smerk.
This shit is gold. 8/10 chuckling continuously while reading.

>It was noon day. The sky had fallen black and Jason was not sure where he was.
>"I'm not sure where we are." whispered Jason, to his German Shepherd.

Don't know why, but I found this funny

Google turns up nothing. Is this original? It's impressive stuff.

>>4049131
can you say fallout fan fiction.

>>4049131
>Hard Vodka capitalized

this is amazing.

Holly fucking hell i'm dying

>>4049131
10/10 would absolutely love to see you self-publish this on Amazon.

>>4050113
...oh, and if you do, please actually use College Freshman as your name. It sounds classy as hell. You can say your parents had a sense of humour or something.

>>4049383
>billowowing

I dont understand /lit/ whats happening?

>>4050131
NOBODY KNOWS

I actually really like it OP the pacing is quite good the characters relatable and the plot very immersive please post more

moar!

PASTEBIN MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU USE IT?

>>4049131

>"Maybe we can find some drugs to sooth the pain we are both feeling inside us."

I want to believe I'm being trolled. The "aspiring writer/college freshman" thing was a nice addition.

Wow lots of 8/10's and 10/10's. Thank you for the feedback I really appreciate it!

Heres a random expert from the middle of the book involving a sex scene, so its nsfw of cours. Does amazon allow young writers to publish stuff like this?

"...Maria slid off her night gown and moved closer to the store's counter. "Maybe I can pay for supplies with this?" The mutilated, sad man behind the counter gasped. He did not know for how long it had been sense the last time he had seen a beuatiful woman. But what would his wife say if she knew what he was doing? She is dead though damnit, he thought. She will never find out. He hopped over the counter and embraced the girl around the hips, beggining to simulate a thrusting motion toward her, his erection wripping threw his pants. She began to moan out. But before it got any further than that she managed to free the blade hidden in her hair clip and slice the perverted man in the throat. "You perversity has no grounds here in the wasteland." She yelled as he fell to the ground, gasping for oxygen to replenish the ever leaking dark red blood from this neck. She spit on him and walked past the counter, opening the cash register as she went by. The dollars were still used as curency in some parts of the waste land. The wasteland was a scary place, she thought. But with the supplies she as able to apply from the groccerie store she would be able to survive.

Thanks!

Maybe I should get into erotica? What do you guys think?

op it needs work 3/10

This is my honest to dog opinion(I don't believe in god only dogs).
It was a 6/10 I enjoyed the start but needs to be more edgy. Try saying that Jason has a mental disease of some sort. Psychotic people are more interesting. Don't tell any of the readers the disease but maybe hint towards it. Fore shadowing

>>4049131

11/10 best thing ive ever read im shittin myself how good it is

op

op teach me
teach me ur ways

op my scrot wow

my scrot op

why

teach me how to

scrot OP why
>It was noon day.
lol

>>4051326
Oh sweet Jesus

>mfw OP can't even spell

>>4051326
Plz post more, this is gold

>>4051665

please post more

>>4049273
>What have you written? Where are your writings? Post youre english transcript, I bet you got D's and F's. I happen to be part of my local ibrary's rotary literature and writing club.
>I happen to be part of my local ibrary's rotary literature and writing club.

Oh dear lord. 9/10. You've managed to encapsulate the character of this 'college freshman' to near perfection. Well played sir, well played.