/lit/ - Literature

>Nabokov's sexual performance
>incredibly satisfying

>proust
quick to cum but will eat ass for hours

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fq7Kre3l5VE

>>4041680
>dan brown
awful
>yasunari kawabata
precise, loving, short-lasting but satisfying

>Kafka
Never seems to finish

>Sartre
Blunt, to the point but somehow you have no idea whats going on

>Camus
Doesn't bother with foreplay, gets right in there for no thrills sex, afterwards you wonder whether you should kill yourself.

>Plath
At first you think shes going deep but shes just good at pretending. Will probably try to kill herself after sex for attention so you'll agree to see her again.

>Kafka
Shortly after penetration you realise his penis is actually some sort of octopus tentacle, but he won't leave until you agree to be a signatory for his passport application.

>Richard Dawkins
Nothing special but his performance will get you there and you might learn a few things. He will insult you throughout the whole time you are having sex with him

>Melville
"Stop fucking massaging me already and put it in!!......................... that was disappointing".

>Plato
Will make you question the line between sex and foreplay before he will do anything else. He will refuse to be quiet and make you debate your sexuality and whether or not this counts as sex.

>>4041680
The pic is much better than the post.

>Dostoyevsky
He is good until someone starts talking

>Tolstoy
de long, excitant et agréable

Peter sotos
>rape rape rape rape rape rape rape rape rape rape and rape

>Murakami

extremely passive. just lays there. you have to make every move. makes you uncomfortable. apologizes when he comes.

>Orwell
Starts very casual and simple. In the middle or near the end, her tries to make something special, like a back-flip, making you believe he'll end it with a bang, just to realize that he'll return to his casual style, but in a different although old-fashioned, position.

>dickens
Long forplay and is able to touch every pleasure center on my supple body without overstimulating any of it.
When he is ready to stick his throbbing member in my lubed up and tight anus, he touches my balls to gently tickle them so as to distract me from the initial pain of insertion.
Once penetrated, and his cock rubs my pulsating prostate, we both moan in synch and paw like hungry children at each other. Just as soon as I'm begging for death because I know there will never be a better feeling, we both cum simultaneously.
With the sweat still fresh on our naked bodies, he takes my cum that he caught in his hand and laps it up. With the sound of cum smacking on his lips, he whispers in my ear, "I love you."

>>4041680
>DFW
Anal without lube.

>>4041741
>he takes my cum that he caught in his hand and laps it up

You got too carried away at this point.

>bukowski

filthy intoxicating

>>4041741
7/10 gave me an erection.

>>4041680
>Cormac McCarthy
only fucks while she's on the rag to use the blood as anal lube. it works surprisingly well.

>Marquis de Sade
Dear god, I better prepare my anus.

>>4041708
>yasunari kawabata
>uh? what? were you doing something? I'm sorry I fell asleep

>>4041753
>bukowski

couldn't get it up

>Tolstoy
After sex he whispers his views on historiosophy to your ear

>>4041804

I've got goosebumps just thinking about it

Great thread

>Vonnegut
All your friends with whom he slept sign his praises, but you find his lovemaking unsatisfying and perfunctory. Though you don't deny the man's wit or charm, you stand to leave in quiet dissapointment. As you leave he says:
"So it goes."

>>4041711
>Camus
>Doesn't bother with foreplay, gets right in there for no thrills sex, afterwards you wonder whether you should kill yourself.
>Richard Dawkins
>Nothing special but his performance will get you there and you might learn a few things. He will insult you throughout the whole time you are having sex with him
Fucking lol'd so hard anon.

>>4041841

>>4041907
lol he said so it goes haha, it's not like every review ever of slaughterhouse ends in that gimmick XD

>>4041841

>>4041919

It's more the everyone else singing his praise but you find it disappointing which I enjoyed.

>Melville
Enjoyable but stops frequently to do some massages or something tantric when really you just want him to keep on fucking

>Hemingway
He sticks with missionary. It is a fine position, he says.

>Hardy
You keep attempting to try something a bit varied but he keeps on returning to the same positions.

>Kafka
Very unusual but fun. Close to climax he suddenly stops and pulls out. He puts on his clothes and his coat, apologises, then leaves.

>Shakespeare
You have heard good things from him from your friends: his long, powerful thrusts. His ability to hit the right spot over and over. Yet, what you actually enjoy about him most is ability to talk dirty.

>Pynchon
Clearly skilled in bed: able to do a multitude of positions and angles, say the most original words in your ear, touch you in places you never thought possible. Yet despite all his technical proficiency you don't find it that enjoyable.

>>4041937
Ooh.

>>4041931
Shakespeare's description made me lololoutloud.

>Salinger
inexperienced, a little clumsy and over quickly, yet for some unfathomable reason it's some of the best sex you've ever had

>>4041931
More like
>Hardy
Ready good, pumps hard, gets you going, and then gets distracted by a bird flitting past the window and insists on talking about it for the next hour, by which time you don't really want to have sex anyway

>>4041931
>>4041976

More like

>Hardy
Really good, pumps hard, gets you going, and then gets distracted by a bird flitting past the window and insists on talking about it for the next hour, by which time you don't really want to have sex anyway

>Salinger
Exclusively uses one position that he thinks will go as deep inside you as physically possible, but you just lie there bored the whole time

>>4042014

>Hardy
Likes to pick up slutty girls and whores and takes them home. Fucks them softly while moaning 'you're too good for this world!'

>Salinger
He's an expert at performing as someone inexperienced, and is easily capable of performing like a porn star, yet he sticks to acting inexperienced because it makes a more impressionable and intimate experience, because it's like the first time--all over again.

>Hardy
Good at fucking despite insisting to be done only in missionary. He cries too much during, and impregnates a sense of deep regret afterwards.

>>4041931
>>Hemingway
>He sticks with missionary. It is a fine position, he says.

heh.

Plato
>He goes down, but he always takes breaks to go outside and stare at the sun, then goes right back down there

Hegel
He combines all sexual positions and techniques into one huge tedious mess, it takes hours

Heidegger
>you have no idea what he's doing the whole time, its surely original but you just don't get it, you leave feeling confused and frustrated

> Tao Lin
awkward and confusing,yet you somehow manage to derive pleasure from it. You always the regret it after, but still get fucked by him on a regular basis

>>4042317

Tao Lin
>gets lots of tight pseudointellectual pussy, don't really know who

>Sartre
He fucks you with a melancholic look on his face, his thrusts seem mechanic and forced. You try to look into his eyes but he turns away, you try to touch his skin but he shudders.

He comes and pulls out. Taking off the condom he holds it into the air and stares at the semen held within the contraceptive. His blank expression morphs into one of horror at the viscous substance his body produced.

>Joyce

He fucks out your arse full of farts. Fat dirty farts spluttering out.

>mfw /lit/ knows 15 authors

>Fitzgerald

Beautiful and graceful, but he doesn't ever stop muttering things about rich people and highballs.

>W. B. Yeats
slowly, meditatively thrusts from behind (rambles on about why he prefers that position because he likes the implicit symbolism) with a sense of regret.
talks about it a lot afterward, keeps repeating something about how he feels inadequate over not thrusting hard and fast but that that's just how he is

>Tao Lin
Can't get it up unless he has his smartphone in his left hand and his eyes glare over the mobile version of any social network. Technique built upon extremely short strokes.

>Tolkien
Uses loads of props: horse saddles, mail-shirts, rings, brooch and then some. He nevertheless took his time to properly detail them to me. And he's into interracial so keep your mind open.

>Yukio Mishima
He gives a poorly thought out speech (though with beautiful language) on why you should sleep with him. When you decide not to, he goes back home and kills himself.

>>4042444
The trips gods approve of your Mishima joke.

>DFW
He's that bookish half-autistic kid who approaches sex from a theorist's perspective, like it's something you can master by studying it academically. He studies positions and compiles articles about tantric techniques, foreplay, etc. He has read almost all there is to read about Good Sex. What makes sex pleasurable. How to give a woman the experience of her life.

But when he finally gets to the moment of truth -- when he has sex with another living person -- it turns out that merely having this library of knowledge and theory in his head does nothing to make his technique good. His sex is nothing more than mechanical rutting. The experience is utterly unenjoyable.

When you're not pleased, he can't believe it. He doesn't understand. He read all those books! He did all the things those books said! How could it be? Why don't you like him? WHY?

He decides he hasn't read enough books. He'll go back to his collection of sex books and pore over them some more. The next time you two have sex, he'll show you all the cool new things he's learned. His sex will be better then, right?

>>4042470

Do not appreciate the heteronormativity and misunderstanding of Tantra in this post

>>4042504
Why is that book so expensive? Did it only have a limited run?

In any case, I've heard the actual writing in the book is blog-tier.

>Borges
Only fucks the labyrinth that is a duck's vagina

>Sebald
Goes flaccid after the encounter reminds him of an old painting that happened to be owned by an obscure nazi responsible for atrocities in Hungary

>Calvino
>You are currently enjoying Italo Calvino's newest sexual conquest. Sit back, take a deep breath and find a relaxing position as you enjoy the thrusting of his cock into the orifice of your choosing.

>Hemingway
Thinks he's incredibly masculine but acts like a 14 year old boy whose only previous experience with sex is from degrading pornos and hbo shows

>Grey

Lets you cum in her ass, forces you to eat it out afterwards.

>Burgess
At first you think that his talking dirty and enthusiastic nature are going to be the main event but the sudden departure into cosplay and hardcore kinks let's you know he meant it when he said he'd bring you to his level earlier in the restaurant.

By the third time he uses an arcane term for urination, you believe in his philological systems enough to have subsumed them and your unconscious homesexual desires into a thesis about the Hegelian sythesis of Stockholm sydrome and agape which you write alone and ashamedly.

Three months later you realise the relationship has ended as he sends you flowers in a post apocalyptic landscape, unsure if you enjoyed taking part of any of the sexual acts or movies of your time together. You fondly credit him with making you a better man of greater vocabulary and wisdom, and rule the sodomy to have been ancillary to that point.

>>4042542
XD

>>4042541
>projecting

>>4042380
Nay.

>Fitzgerald

Green light

Oh, wait. It was just a dream.

Fap, fap, fap.

did burgess have any other good book besides clockwork orange?

>>4041789
>Cormac McCarthy
Goes on and on for hours and is simultaneously the most beautiful and most plodding thing you can imagine. There is no true end to it; once Cormac McCarthy begins to fuck you, you will be fucked until the end of time.

>george rr martin
>and with four quick thrusts, his seed filled her cunt and he fell to the side, fast asleep.

>>4041931
On point

>Atwood

>spends the better part of 6 hours having tantric sex, almost bringing you to climax but then gives a sad sigh right before you do, pushing you just an inch away
>when you finally blow your load across her smiling face, it turns into a sad, disinterested look. she gets up and goes to the bathroom, wipes herself off with a towel and leaves the room.
>you're left alone in bed with your cum on a towel, and a memory so befuddling you cant sleep.

>H.P. Lovecraft

Not a immediate blast, more of a slow, creeping sensation

>>4042672
>And he is fucking, fucking. He says will never stop.

>JK Rowling
The gentle deep love of someone you love more than anything you have ever loved, and you know it. The level where neither of you want to do anything crazy, trying to make the moment as romantic as possible suffices.

I LOVE YOU PROSE ROWLING

>>4041711
I'll bet Plato gives a killer BJ though

>>4041841

>McCarthy,
beautiful but when you think about it later you feel let down.
>Palanuik
Only good if it's your first time, and you're underaged and don't know what you're doing.
>Marquez
Everyone told me it'd be great, but then it wasn't great at all
>Hossini
Damn call me later

>McCarthy

Spends 30 minutes on the most amazing foreplay ever. After the foreplay he whips out his 9 inch dong and destroys her pussy

>>4041680
>Emily Bronte
You start off doing it on hard cobblestones. It's rough and dirty and you're a little afraid. You close your eyes and you're in a queen-size satin bed, still maintaining the same position. As you're coming closer, she punches you in the face a few times. She says to you, or is it to herself, that she is you. You close your eyes again and wake up back on the cobblestones, both of your bodies slamming together onto them. The orgasm is pitiful, but it stays with you. She gets up and cries.


>Palahniuk
It's always something new, and not necessarily something good. Why was he ever allowed to acquire his fetishism from /d/? You don't know, but the first couple times it's fun. There are brief flashes of sheer excellence, but they last only for a moment. The orgasms range from spectacular to awful. You're never sure, but still keep an eye on him when you're looking for a rebound after a long and painful relationship.

>Joyce Carol Oates
You're expecting something brutal, involving urethral sanding, something that Palahniuk couldn't dream to aspire to, but when you actually get down to it, it's akin to classy BDSM with an escort. The act itself is graceful but saddening, as you know it's not going to have a pleasant ending. When she chokes you while you both orgasm, you knew you were right.

>>4042629
nice use of >implying there

>dylan thomas
you make love in an uncharactarist one night stand, his beautiful drunk talk mingling inexorably with the one time in your life you've felt whole. as you wave your handkerchief to the departing freighter on the wet salty dock the next morning you are satisfied you have felt life- even if it will always be too briefly and sweetly romance and alcohol drenched to be accurate, it will keep you serene through the apathetic marriage that awaits outside those remembered moments.

>>4041680
>ITT: we describe an authors sexual performance based on their prose
No.

>>4043358
Jokes on you, we already did.

>Steinbeck
Extremely satisfying, but he's constantly thinking of every other person in the town except for you. He only fucks facing Northern California

>>4042909
He looks you in the eye. He spits. He says, I'll be damned if that aint the best pussy I seen.

>Bret Easton Ellis
The first few times he fucks you, it's like being fucked by someone who respects tradition, but is somehow original with often used tactics. After about the fourth or fifth time, though, he starts asking if you're into cutting or cigarette burns.

>>4041680
>Anais Nin
Surprisingly kinky to the point of making you uneasy, but somehow delicate and romantic.

I love how the Rape Ape is giving an enthusiastic thumbs-up

Best thread since the trolley

>Asimov
Totally vanilla sex in every way, but vety professionally done.

>McCarthy
Rapes you in an outhouse and leaves you for dead

>Astrid Lindgren
Lots of amazing and fun stuff. After a while it feels done. But it was fun while it lasted, even though you never can shake the idea of the supplanted novelty with attention-seeking stunts.

>Philip K Dick
He can make the mundane feel fantastic and the fantastic mundane.

>Yukio Mishima
He just makes you watch as he commits suicide by autoerotic asphyxiation.

>Google a bibliography for that author
>Other titles include "Pagan Lesbians"
>Why is this guy not the god of the Canon already?

>>4043886

this one?

>Thomas Hobbes

Nasty, poor, solitary, brutish and short.

>>4044333
Wait, this sounds amazing. Any kind anon want to sum it up for me?

>Stephen King
Starts off really strong and hot, feels kind of cheap and dirty but you're loving it none the less. But then the initial awe wears off....and it keeps going on...and on...and on....and the eventually it ends with nothing more than a silent jism.

>Burroughs
You feel something in your asshole and you're not too sure whose fucking who and whats going on exactly but you're certain its witty and intelligent....right?

>>4044339

Someone posted a thread asking for /lit/ to define nihilism/give recs and included a drawing involving a man choosing to save people from a tram/trolley.

Went from there. I only have a few situations on that pic.

>>4044339
Made up problems taken to 11.

Related topics are would you have sex with a downie if your life depended on it or lesbians really wants to have sex with men because if one of them was stuck with a man on an island, then they would probably have sex, so yes a lesbian in San Francisco are really wanting a penis.

>>4044333
My sides exploded just remembering that thread.

>>4041710

I like you

>Italo Calvino
Systematically fondles every part of your body in small shifts according to a carefully arranged pattern. The sum of each tiny action brings about a pleasing orgasm.
>Virginia Woolf
Intensely personal, balletic, lovemaking rather than fucking.
>James Joyce
oh god

>>4044345
Is there an archive of this?

>Thomas Pynchon
No, no, I'm not a government spy sent to seduce you. Wait, why are you writing the Riemann-Zeta function on my ass? ...I don't even know WHAT you're doing now. What drugs did you TAKE?

>>4044356
Don't know.

>>4044333
I used to think my philosophy professor had unnecessarily many iterations of the trolley problem.

Now I know what too many iterations looks like.

>>4044333
lol.

>>4044333
>>4044339
>>4044343
someone has to have a link to an archive of this

>Bolaño

Administers a measured, methodical, serviceable fucking, sometimes evoking in you a sense of deja vu for previous fucks you never actually experienced, and at other times reciting in a cold, clinical tone the accounts of random anonymous fucking that has been done by someone, somewhere, at some point in time, all the while still thrusting like a metronome. Strangles you upon completion of the event and leaves you by the highway to be found by incompetent police.

>>4044397
Guy who asked this question earlier here.

I found one, and it is indeed glorious: http://fuuka.warosu.org/lit/thread/3748579

>>4044339
one of /lit/'s only image-based "memes"

>>4044403
And the Ulysses one

>>4043886
how new

>>4044403
>/lit/'s
nah

>>4041680
Where can I read this Vin Saxon's books?

>Nabokov
>incredibly satisfying

More like incredibly sterile and dull

Can someone post the full version of this image?
It doesn't load correctly in the archive for me.

>>4044510

>>4044514
Thank you

>>4044519
Next time use google's reverse image search function.

>>4044551
Nah, it's easier to ask you :^)

>>4044342
>>Stephen King
He's very experienced and skilled, but accessible enough that even a fifth grader could enjoy it.

>>4044342

>Burroughs:
He penetrates your ass like a corkscrew, which causes torrents of rectal mucus to spew out from eyes, ears, and mouths. When you're about to cum, you turn around and see a gigantic, 20-foot centipede milling about, spewing out radiated heron in a thousand black, acrylic heads.

>Mikhail Bulgakov
Fast and playful, kinky and mischievous. His cracked enthusiasm masks some dark shit that he never really mentions, he just happily fucks away with an uncanny grin that is unsettling.

>Machiavelli
Cums first, doesn't care at all about the pleasure the girl has, and goes to read Titus Livius.

>George R.R. Martin
He doesn't.

>>4044701
>George R.R. Martin
He does too!

How is Kathy Ackers?

>>4044701
>Machiavelli
Explains everything with clinical precision, undoubtedly skilled but has the odd habit of insisting on a ball gag while he fills in the dialogue you ought to be having. You have no complaints but won't tell your parents or friends.

>>4044514

>>4041728
Fuck I am murakami in the sack

>>4042537
>>4042537

LOL

>Turgenev
Teases and seduces you until you fall into playful child-like love, then leaves you and fucks your dad instead.

>Paolini
Bland, chilish actions that is average the first time, but demonstrates he has no fucking clue what's going on in subsuquent ventures, leaving you disgusted with the whole ordeal yet letting him end it on his terms. He Insists you dress as Liv Tyler x Princess Leia crossdress and suckle his ears.

>Amy Hempel
Slow, but earnestly romantic sex. She feels confused as to whether she should continue with anything, though, and so is sometimes difficult to have a relationship with.

>>4041741
i have stuff to think about now

>>4044514
Thanks based /lit/bro

>>4041680
>Dostoyevsky
You hear he is the best, but only from virgins

>>4046063
>Dostoyevsky
2deep4u

>>4046076
>virgin

>>4046076
Hehe

>Thomas Mann

Somewhere deep inside your head, his masterfully humping of your ass leaves a nagging feeling that he's not really into it and that the whole thing is just an ironic façade, like he tries to hide his true feelings from you - as he in the most aristocratic way imaginable starts to mouthfuck you, you're beginning to think it's all a critique of the modern way of fucking. After he comes inside your ass, he whispers into your ear: "No homo"

>>4042534

>Sigmund Freud

He just won't stop drilling you and fisting you. Deeper and deeper he goes, even as you scream and beg him to quit - you never wanted this pain. But somewhere deep inside you, something is triggering, as he rams his cock deeper inside you that you ever imagined, it all come backs: That you wanted mommy for yourself, that you're nothing but a filthy animal. You want more, so much more - the pain. It's good.

>H.P. Lovecraft

It starts slowly. A featherlike whisper across your chest. A light touch of your genitals, so soft you are not even sure it happened. He move so very slowly, so very gradually, setting up. He never seems to move from one action to another, yet you find things advancing nonetheless, almost mystified as to when they did. He is quiet. Oh so very quiet.

As it carries on further, as he finally begins to fuck you, you start to feel uncomfortable, but at the same time you want it to continue. Finally, everything comes together at the very end, for a final, strong climax, but with a sense of detachment.

And then, he leans over and whispers in your ear, and you are horrified to hear "Now you have AIDS."

Pratchett: Every time you get together, it's a hilarious, playful romp, the good kind of sex that occasionally stops with a bout of laughter which does not kill the mood but merely complements it. You feel genuine affection in his playful chiding, and he always delivers, though not always what you're expecting. Unfortunately, you're hearing that he might soon not be able to come visit anymore, and that tinges your most recent meetings with an air of looming sadness which is hard to forget.

>>4046849
:D

>>4047263
D:

And Kathy Ackers, please?

guise what about Joseph Heller?

>>4047274
Something happened.

>>4047263
what the fuck man?

>>4041710
Sage

>>4048556

Sage isn't a downvote. It's just a way to post without bumping the thread.

Posting in a thread 10 hours after the last post just to sage it when it's already on its way to a 404...that's just stupid.

And that's why I'm bumping it now, out of pure spite, to show the utter futility of your actions. You have literally accomplished the opposite of your intent.

>>4046063
>Dostoyevski

Foreplay for hours until he's finally wet enough to let you in, and once you're in, the sex incredibly rewarding, but leaves you slightly unsatisfied.

>>4041754
is that collin ferret

>>4048735
haha wow, I'm going to sage this and then make a new account so I can sage it again.

I'm saging the crap out of all your posts man

>T. Bernhardt
She's dead, Jim! She died hours ago! What are you doing?

>Dante
The sex is amazing, but sadistic in a way that makes you question his psychological state.