/lit/ - Literature

8/11
Your metaphores require work but but everything else is good.

>>3964347
thanks for the input! much appreciated

>>3964339
Is the picture a shoop?

A tornado of confusion.
>A tornado is confusing.
>Your love is a tornado (would simply do, however syllable shortage).

>Blinded by dark illusion (what is a dark illusion? What about I'm blinded by illusion))
>This is not the love I seek (okay I get this.)
First couplet. It feels kinda stringed together.

Work the lines. The couplet as a whole. Disregard the rhymes. You need a coherent theme. You need to know what you want to say before you start looking for the words.

>>3964364
Interesting. I appreciate your critique. And will work on improving.

Holy shit you posted it on another thread OP? Still, thanks, do you have more?

Your second sonnet for reference, whomever you are:

Never will I know what it would be like to taste your lips.
Admire your beauty as you sleep soundly.
Explore your body from your curves to your hips.
I hate being deep in love knowing I'm only going to end up drowning.

What's the saying about the fish in the sea?
And what do you do if you live in the ocean?
Is there really someone out there for me?
Or am I just going through the motions?

One thing I know for sure is only fools rush in.
And patience is a virtue.
Adultery is a sin.
And I will wait for as long as it takes, because I love you.

I know everythings going to be fine.
But I fuckin' hate this heart of mine.

>>3964377
haha yeah my bad thought I had lost you. I do have more but they arent sonnets....actually working on a third with anons helpful hints....would you like to see other basic rhyming poetry or my third, in progress, sonnet?

>>3964377
A full moon

I told her she was the moon in its full state, So beautiful and radiant. That she was the very air I breathe, giving me life with every breath I take. And the food to my soul, filling me with her love. This is how she replied: She took me to the dark side of the moon, took the air from my lungs, and starved my soul by leaving my life.

>>3964383
I would like to know how to contact you, I'm interested in helping create the third one. Do you have any skype id

>>3964397
Making a skype right now

>>3964407
I'm still here, waiting for it, just be sure to post it and be online so I can add you. My id has a 7 in the end, you'll know it's me.

>>3964397
so skype name is amateur.poet

Free verse sucks

>>3964415
Ok, give me a minute to log in and add you, you're online correct?

>>3964423
my bad...didnt get into poetry until last year...

>>3964424
yes

>>3964428
Added you, you'll see a Jget something in your requests, check and add me.

>>3964339
as a 12 year old emo who's only heard each of these cliches a mere forty eight times already i'd say this is really good, much better than reading something new and interesting

>>3964339

Very lose definition for sonnet, you have

The Zombie

"I think you may be dead, John said
I don't believe I am said I,
I'm hale and sound
down to the ground,
and feel alright to struggle on
i don't believ thats true, said john
I see about your face john said
a certain lack of grace said john
to dire to dwell upon, said john
that hearkens of the dead, john said
and a certain cast of eye, he noted
bespeaks of one to brains devoted.
so i intend to flee, said he
and so fled as he said, you see
as from the living dead, viz.: me"

critique?

>Your love is a tornado of confusion.

Sometimes I lie awake at night thinking of all the embarrassing shit I did as a teenager and it's posts like these that bring back those cringe-inducing memories. Your "sonnet' caused me physical pain. 10/10.

>>3964568
>tfw the embarrassing memory is so painful I almost yelp

>>3964339
Free writing is better.

Hypocrisy pens over
the greatest of books, the
advendture I seeked
In the path, got discualified
by a nameless, steel feather,
oh the crimson, and the blue in
the globes
I guess it's fine
after all.

"Decomposition"

I miss the kiss of treachery
The shameless kiss of vanity
The soft and the black and the velvety
Up tight against the side of me
And mouth and eyes and heart all bleed
And run in thickening streams of greed
As bit by bit it starts the need
To just let go my party piece

I miss the kiss of treachery
The aching kiss before I feed
The stench of a love for a younger meat
And the sound that it makes when it cuts in deep
The holding up on bended knees
The addiction of duplicities
As bit by bit it starts the need
To just let go my party piece

I leave you with photographs
Pictures of trickery
Stains on the carpet
Stains on the scenery
Songs about happiness, murmured in dreams
When we both of us knew how the ending would be

It's all come back round to breaking apart again Breaking apart like I'm made up of glass again
Making it up behind my back again
Holding my breath for the fear of sleep again
Holding it up behind my head again
Cut in deep to the heart of the bone again
Round and round and round, coming apart again
Over and over and over

And now that I know that I'm breaking to pieces
I'll pull out my heart and I'll feed it to anyone
Crying for sympathy,
Crocodiles cry for the love of the crowd
And the three cheers from everyone
Dropping through sky
Through the glass of the roof,
Through the roof of your mouth,
Through the mouth of your eye,
Through the eye of the needle,
It's easier for me to get closer to Heaven
Than ever feel whole again.

I never said I would stay to the end
I knew I would leave you with babies and everything
Screaming like this in the hole of sincerity
Screaming me over and over and over.
I leave you with photographs
Pictures of trickery
Stains on the carpet,
Stains on the memory,
Songs about happiness, murmured in dreams
When we both of us knew how the end always is
How the end always is


Please critique my poem, thanks.

>>3965289
Dawh, gave me chills. 7/10

Has your presence not changed me my angel ?
I clutch so dearly the peace you have brought.
Before I felt I knew insanity well ,
You helped vanquish the demons that I fought .

Bright like an ember in a sea of ash,
you shine a beacon of light in my life.
Often my dreams of you come in a flash,
you had went from just a friend to my wife.

Life will be very hard when you perish,
If one of us must leave I'd volunteer.
A moment with you is one I'll cherish,
know that every word I am sincere.

I have realized only you my life lacks,
My feelings , Melanie, are without wax.

Input ?

Here's the ending.

Spooky Butt Biscuit
Why don't you kill yourself?
My tray fell on the floor!
Let's lean forward
and gyrate with hope
World without Spooky Butt Biscuit
Abort
Abort.
ABORT!