/lit/ - Literature

>>3960980
Yawn. Come back with something new and/or interesting.

>>3960980
Very entertaining, gg.

>>3960980
I like it OP. Thank you for sharing.

>>3960980
I enjoyed it. Good job OP.

cut out the ed sheeran bullshit.

other than that. tis a fine rant sir

>>3960980
>"Gee"

>>3960980
absolutely terrible.

I'd some criticism on this horror-type story I'm writing...

http://pastebin.com/Vd1m2ZRf

>>3960980
hahaha not bad dude. friendly reminder, quotes in quotes get apostrafeed.

Here's a poem I wrote last night, what do you guys think of it?

http://pastebin.com/4riWhfc6

>>3961133

I thought that was very good

>>3961141
Appreciate it
>>3961127
I liked your narrative voice, it was kind of punchy and YAish but well done. Pay attention to your rhythm cause you use it well. Something cool you could add in is when he's playing Mario Kart he could be scared of the man but feel like he's obligated to the game. (But that goes against what you said with him forgetting about it)

>>3961133
Ah, forgot all about the quotes. I'll using it as a skit in my indie-hop mixtape one day.

>>3961141
first two stanzas are good

>the rest is shit

I wrote a poem guys

Keystroke farmers, changing passwords, guarded warehouse keepers
Made-up ages, advertisements, gender neutral angels
Drowsy nudists, desperate housemates, simulated webcams
40,000 chatty strangers, all with common names
40,000 gender neutral angels

>>3961162
what didn't work about the rest of the stanzas? I did kinda feel like I was turning it into something I didn't start with, it's hard for me to be consistent but it would help if you told me what made them different.

>>3961168
Well, a stanza of a poem

>>3961153
thanks for the analysis. You're right, I should have made the character more affected by the man he saw

>>3961182
eh, it was just a suggestion, there's no "should." I don't know where you're going with the story. It was just something I thought was cool and thought it might fit.

>>3961170

it became trite when you started describing food.

>the first two stanza feel more vital (knives, blood, flayed meat etc...)
>the atmosphere is ominous

>>3961204
ok cool, thanks

>>3960980
>too edgy, without putting forth an actually original thought
>dialogue seems only to serve to allow one character make some profound/quirky/stop-and-think statement like it's a newspaper comic strip. This is accentuated by the "gee"
>if the first paragraph was your personal opinion spoken through a character, then trying to add a statement like that is hypocritical
>I dont think you were being meta


"Gee"

>>3961127
There are a few words I think could be substituted for better ones.

"Naturally" and "natural" stick out because theyre so close to each other. Theres nothing wrong with the actual word choices, but theyre really similar and only a sentence away from each other.

Maybe explain very briefly why actively making new friends can be hard, the idea on its own is weak and not a really satisfactory reason.

"pretty cool guy" can be the end of that sentence. You can also merge it with the next sentence so you dont have to start it with "And"

"But" implies there's something wrong with everything you just described, so either make it clear that being into videogames is undesirable or find a new way to start the sentence.

Describing Connor as "Random" doesn't really say too much, and it makes him sound like on of those obnoxious tweens, you know the ones. Even a word as simple as "strange" would be better, but I'm sure you can find an even better one.

using quotes on "lots of hot girls" diminishes using them on "party", and makes it read too sarcastic. I suggest only keeping them on one subject or removing them entirely.


As soon as she led him outside, they would be on the porch, so the "eventually" makes no sense. I like that sentence, so I would describe them moving somewhere else beforehand. maybe some other room at first that doesnt prove a quiet enough place to talk.

"I quickly realized", and remove the "few seconds after". its a tad awkward

"as far as I could see" sort of implies that the figure stretches on into the distance. maybe just say that he could see it clearly.

I dont know where this story is going, but you cant help that slenderman is more popular now than ever. maybe try giving the figure some distinguishing characteristic. I hope its not actually about slenderman though

"I could tell because of the increase of noise" or something similar. "because there was yelling" is awkward and doesnt make sense when you think it through

points for trying to be accurate to the game, but for anyone who hasnt played it, that last paragraph is boring and confusing, and more information than they need to know. Even having played the game a lot, it was still too much

Great start though! Even if you dont agree with my suggestions, maybe they'll help you figure out if you really want to stick by your choices. Good luck

>>3961268
thanks for this criticism... it was very useful. You're right about the Mario kart thing. At the time I was writing it because I thought that would be very cool to see something so in-depth about mario kart in a book, but it would be boring for someone who hasn't played the games.

I could use some feedback on this.
http://pastebin.com/Vt5UELcr

Critiques for the posted stuff incoming.

>>3961426
Is me


I apologize for offending anyone, but this is the internet, so might as well be brutal.
>inb4 not actually brutal

>>3960980
>1. "Gee."
>Stop
>2. Accurate in that /lit/erates and /mu/tants are pretty much that. But it's no great stride into making an interesting monologue.

>>3961127
Kill the first paragraph. It's cliché to Hell. In fact, kill that entire part of the story. If it's not real, then fuck it, you're just being a jackass.
"If you care," "If you want to know," every time you say that I think "I don't."
I... you just... "There were going to be 'lots of hot girls' there, he said." If you're going to dialogue and tag, do it right. Speaking of, your dialogue in some cases ends in the wrong mark. e.g. "'Hey' She said. 'Are you new?'" should be "'Hey,' she said, 'are you new?'" Small, but annoying.
>"I think."
Don't sub your dialogue. Taking the time to write out a few sentences is usually more interesting than "Her name, she said, was Claire."
"I told her that my dad's job moved." Rephrase
Also, if you're going to do that, then just do it. Don't waste my time by telling me twice.
"Because there was some yelling." Rephrase.
"She smiled, and we exchanged numbers" ... I'm sorry, did I miss a part of the lead up to this? It's kinda... dry.
"Getting the handle down." Never head that expression before.
Also try not to unintended product placement. Or any product placement.

>>3961168
>3deep5me
Work on your pathos.

>>3961426
having "quote unquote" is redundant and unnecessary, scrap it completely.

advanced is the wrong word, use modern instead, or maybe something better

You lost me in the rest of the paragraph

In fact, because of its rambling and unfocused nature, you kind of lost me on the rest of it too. I couldnt really get through it all. I did like that bit about the bag boy eyeing that woman like a hunter. All I can suggest is a massive cleanup, trim some of that fat

I also posted this
>>3961268
does anyone want to return the favour?

http://pastebin.com/gMkDM033

>>3960980
Is OP writing a biography on Bret Easton Elis?

Hey could somebody take a look at this fantasy story I started the other day? I'd like some feedback. Whether it is crap, or has any potential at all.

>>3961492
Forgot link. http://pastebin.com/LARBUDYm

>>3961443
To the first, that was the intention, actually. It loses a bit of emphasis when young people isn't italicized, helping to render the "quote unquote" part useless. As was the general rambling tone. In that sense, it's not a straightforward thing.

Will change to modern, though.

Again, apologizing for any offenses. I've been told I'm not very good at delivering things nicely.

As for yours:

Firstly, I'd like to say that while you still have my attention, my willing suspension of disbelief is growing a bit taught. I can accept aliens everywhere (I did for Star Trek/Wars), but it seems like a bit've a stretch to say that humans will not only be okay with alien life, but happy to completely give up their government in exchange for entertainment (well, to an extent, and I do realize that isn't entirely accurate).

I'm going to be referencing things by the number next to them in the paste, so... yeah...

3: "Unknowingly,"*
"in the universe."*
Take out more specifically, blend the sentence or change it and the previous, if you want to maintain the same flow.
"ended up in space*
Large parts of 11 seem redundant, after 9. I would say recombinant it. That is, combine the two, take out the repetition (for example, you say Government fell apart twice), and then split it back into two paragraphs (because 9 is really long as is).
"Traditional"*

13: You changed from 1st-ish person ("we") to 3rd person. Don't. One or the other. Hell, even second person, just don't switch.
Also, it seems a little unrealistic that only one man rules the entirety of Earth's entertainment. Either have it like a stock (with a Board), have different groups (MGM, Universal, Disney, Bad Robot, that thing with the moon and the fishing guy, Paramount, 20th Century Fox, etc), or both. I don't know the plans, so this may interrupt the structural flow, but in terms of realism, at least try to maintain /some/.
I'm ignoring 15 because it's obviously unfinished.

>>3961493
>>3961492
>"In a world..."
And the cliché train begins.
"And although he did not... this world forever."
Choo choo!
"But let us not... start at the beginning."
Chuga chuga chuga chuga chuga
"White hot lights."
I'm not sure... that seems kinda odd to say when the heat from other stars doesn't even come close to reaching us...
"as you may have guessed, or perhaps not"
Clackity clackity clackity
"upon which sat a small"*
The door is half as tall as the ceiling?
"The stones in the walls... the clouds in the evening sky."
Liked this. It's not massively original, but I liked it.
If his shoulders are 5 feet wide... that means he's half as wide as he is tall... Not even Dwarfs are that fat.
"This giant/man's name was Ahktar."*
At least I think it would work better. But *shrug*
Please... I've done world building before, calculated time down to a fifth of a second or so. Please don't relay this in your stories. Most people don't care how long a year is.

Word cap. That's all folks, sorry.

>>3961133
Link doesn't work for me. Can you paste it here please?

You sound pretty edgy brah.

Also you write like Holden Caulfielf

>>3961571
>what is character
>what is not writing from your own perspective
>what is whimsy

>>3961168
Sounds like something Thom Yorke would've written and then forgotten about in the '90s.

This is something I've been working on, or at least a part of it. Would appreciate some criticsim.
http://pastebin.com/zvNLZ9GV

>>3962163
I guess that's a compliment

>>3962319
I don't think it was m8. Maybe over at >>>/mu/

>>3961523
yeah, I didnt want to extend it too much further because I figured it would be real hard keep it at all believable

I left out a whole lot of the actual events but its more of a business partnership, and the new political climate changed over time.

Once Earth was aware of life on other planets, they had to think of themselves as a global entity. "Them" became the other civilizations, not other planets. There is a board, he is just the appointed head. His role is to be an expert in alien culture and earth productions.The heirarchy is vast. There are many many studios on Earth, but they all get orders from the top. Though it could be more interesting to have all these megastudios be independent from each other. I figure they had one figurehead for simplicity

I repeated those things by accident. I realized I had more to say about how the global climate shifted and I guess I forgot what I had mentioned already.

I didnt even notice the switch in narrator as I typed it, it seemed natural. I'll try and fix that

thanks

>>3962190
It looks like English is not your first language.

>>3962672
Sorry, that was a bit mean. But your grammar is severely lacking and the tense is inconsistent.. You need to make each sentence more focused, as now you often dwell on details that are either not important, or should be covered elsewhere.

>Alex’s big full eyes noticed a lady of young age running towards nowhere. His wet and dark brown hair was partially covering his eyes, but he was certain she was there.

This is a good example of what I mean. Each sentence opens with a description of his eyes, but are about this woman. Well, it's about him seeing a woman, so there is also a loss of immediacy as you needlessly filter an action through the character.

I'm not personally a fan of your writing style (or the author I presume you're drawing inspiration from), but others here might like it more.

>>3962707
Yes, English isn’t my first language.
I didn’t notice the tense’s inconsistency, where was that most obvious?
I was trying to focus on the change that occurred to his eyes after he raped the woman; I guess that wasn’t an important thing to focus on.
How can I make my writing more focused? I have the right image in my head, but I am rarely capable of putting it on paper. What writer should I keep in mind while writing this particular story? I wasn’t imitating any author; this is just a new writing-style I am working on, as I still haven’t developed proper one.
I appreciate the feedback.

Slipping sideways on the sidewalk
pass! pass! pass!
my eye sides hurt
Where are you going?
My teeth feels smaller;
I should eat less
What's that hissing whine
is it the television?
I've left the bathtub on I know it
Trace the shape and feel of drywall
are those footsteps or is the freezer making ice?
is my vision prescription up to date
it's fuzzy lately
I left the sink on! damn!
I'll take on the extrovert
good god I've left the fan on
my blog followers will crush the king
who the hell has
still a home phone
Bababadalghar
I can't shake the feeling
That I've forgotten something

>>3962593

Which is basically the Watchmen theory, that the world would unify in the presence of Aliens. All right, I'll buy it.

It does seem a little strange, and, as I've said, you've stretched things pretty far (at least for a space-based-fiction/space in general nerd). But *shrug*

>>3963141
It's like the internal thoughts of an autist

>>3963214
An actual autist, not an /r9k/ autist.

I guess I'll contribute this poem I wrote the other day.

http://pastebin.com/BhGNA2hp

http://pastebin.com/RHMa2K3B

Something I wrote quickly a while back. No doubt edgy and overdone, but it's the last thing I've sat down and written properly all at once; I've been struggling to get that motivation back.

Poem I wrote today, thoughts?

A smile on your lips
A curve in your back
With a swing of your hips
I completely lose track
Of the thoughts in my head
Now only you,
Lying naked in bed.

>>3963339
>2013
>rhyming

>>3963141
This is kind of sort of brilliant.

So if everything is edgy what ISN'T edgy?

>>3963141
>teeth feels
>tooth.PLUR feel.3P.PRES.IND

>[maJ aJ saJdz hərt]

>[...lɛs / wʌtsθæt hJs:Jŋg waJn]

This is fucking beautiful.

>>3963141
This irritates me

>>3963339
You took a break from eating turd just to write and post this? Why?

I've been hanging on for too long
To who I used to be
The young blue-eyed boy lost in books and harmonies
Humanising horrors; empathetic to a fualt
Only recently, I feel reality has jolted
Me awake

Everyone needs an edge
Sometimes when nothing is said
And you are tormented by the shadows of someone in your head
No eloquence will do
A simple 'Fuck you'
Will suffice

I wanted to be nice
You don't always get what you want

Anger does not come easily
When it would be most welcome
Cowardice, or admirable peaceful intentions?
I knew someone who tried to teach it
She did her best, but I could not reach
The bar. It was set too high.
In fairness, I didn't really try
It wasn't the kind of trade I could ply
In good conscience

Some cannot be reasoned with
Or made to accept their fault
Seems that no memories or care for others
Truly give them halt
Even for a moment

I once envied them.
But now, I am glad.
They drift along unseeing
With the stranger called 'Future'
As I walk beside hunch-backed old 'Past'
and love her every suture

Thoughts? I like it fast and loose, I can't be doing with this concise critical bullshit. A big messy stream of consciousness for you.

>>3963206
Really this was meant to be more of a "what if" kind of story rather than a fully fleshed out universe to delve into but you're right, there's no need to make it hard for the reader to believe

>>3963731
Circles?

OP, you realize autists wouldn't be into high brow literature since they're not very good at comprehending subtext or abstract thought?

it's clear you're insecure about your own taste and use anti intellectualism as a defense mechanism

>>3963748
Glad to see someone caught it. Good to see you like it m8.