/lit/ - Literature

>>3894123
>Cools brothers
>the car exploded
>OOOOOOOOH MMMMMMMMMMMMY GOOOOOOOOOOOODNESS

I don't think I can bear to read on. I'm fearful that my spleen might rupture.

>>3894123
>The Cools Brothers

I'm going to pretend every character is wearing aviators and you should too.

>>3894123
>"What happened?" Ed replied "The car exploded. I hate to tell you kids, but David could not have survived that explosion. Therefore our big brother is dead."

that doesn't sound stilted at all.

>Ed finally stepped up and asked the mysterious woman "Would you like to dance with me?" The woman said "All night long Ed." When Ed and the woman danced, all the citizens of Elgart were watching and the woman said "For a guy that went through a lot in the past week, you dance pretty well."

>>3894253
That last line is pretty poignant.

>>3894123
>David was a beloved cook and baseball player in the community so his headstone read "David Cools, 1911-1932, beloved brother and cook"

>>3894123
I was not expecting it to turn into a war story by the second chapter.

>Next battle, Iwo Jima. Tom decided to give himself up to the Japanese soldiers in order to obtain information on the whereabouts of Jim.

You know, because Japanese soldiers totally didn't torture and execute every American soldier they captured.

>>Four soldiers tood on a mound at Iwo Jima and raised the flag. It was a breathtaking moment for Ed to see a historic moment like that. "This is history here, this is something I can tell my children and eventually grandchildren about someday. I'm suddenly breathless over the raising of the flag. I salute Old Glory."

>>3894284
I didn't know Michael Bay wrote books.

>>3894303
It's more likely than you think.

>>3894123
I get it

>>3894123
>"Plus when a customer bought a drink and the cash register opened, there was an awful lot of money for a bar that was not busy that day." Jim asked "Oh no! Money laundering. I suspect someone is in cahoots with Peterson." Ed replied to both "THIS MEANS WAR! Gentlemen, round up the Elgart Police Department!"

Money in the cash register?! Those bastards!

>This was the beginning of an investigative journey for Ed.
>within two sentences he's reached a conclusion

>Ed was so depressed that his father said "Listen son..."
Thank God I know how he felt about his brother's death now!

>>3894369
>That evening, a light was suspiciously on the top floor while a other rooms were dark.

>"Listen gentlemen... those cowboys have guns and we the people have the authority to stop this madness."

Cash in the cash register? A light on at night? Lock and load! It's time to end this madness!

>"OPEN UP PETERSON! YOU CAN'T DEFEAT THE COOLS SQUAD!"

>"I am not going to back to England no matter if you dare to stop me!"

If The Cools Brothers has taught me anything it's that caps lock makes everything more hilarious instead of more dramatic.

>>3894423
and then he surrenders in the next fucking sentence

>During that time, Ed was bonding with his youngest brother Tom at the city park when all of a sudden he spotted a beautiful woman. Tom was so angry he walked home.

What.

>>3894123
Someone ought to turn this into an audiobook.

Please stop posting such braindead memes. We are not /v/.
Also, The Cool Brothers is a profound tragedy about a man's desperation reaching such a point that he writes an utter piece of shit and publishes it on the internet, thinking himself to be a genius. It's the best work of metafiction ever written.

>>3894571
Say what you will, but I would love to hear The Cools Brothers read aloud by William Shatner.

>"YOU ARE WORKING FOR SOMEONE, THIS IS ORGANIZED CRIME! IF YOU WITHHOLD THIS IMPORTANT INFORMATION YOU WILL BE DEPORTED!"

>When David's car was about five hundred feet from the house, the car exploded
>OHHHHHHHHH MYYYYYY GOOODNNNNNEEEEEEESSSSSSS

>>3894571
vocaroo.com

go ahead and kick things off.

>>3894603
Let's do this.

I have no words…
How?!

I tried a few times but I kept bursting into laughter. It's actually got a cool vibe going for it when read aloud. All my money to hear a Morgan Freeman impersonation.

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0cyVj2Y0TYX

>>3894690
Holy shit you mumbling plus your shitty mic means I can barely hear you

> Therefore, our big brother is dead

>>3894705
>tfw paper thin walls and sleeping relatives

I hoped that my shitty attempts would at least spur others into action.

http://vocaroo.com/i/s1pnXuNLXYbA
Episode 1

Moar?

>>3894747
>http://vocaroo.com/i/s1pnXuNLXYbA

I<3 your accent m8.

>>3894690
Let's do this shit:

http://vocaroo.com/i/s1m0nY0x21PT

>>3894768
Ha, I'm not a native speaker. Could be worse.

>>3894747
This is amazing

>>3894776
Do you do voice-overs and stuff professionally?

>>3894795
Nope. I'm just a bored guy on /lit/ with a microphone.

>>3894123
>Number two, everyone went to church on Sunday. Apparently atheism was non-existent in that city back then.

>>3894798
>>3894795
>>3894787
>>3894776
>>3894768
>>3894747

Holy shit, could you obviously samefag any harder?

>>3894747
so strongly reminded of group X

>>3894801
what

>>3894801
>compliments and civility on my hate-fueled board?
>must be samefagging

>>3894801
Calm your tits, bro. If he is, what does it matter? Don't be a jerk.

>>3894806
>>3894810
>>3894815
>>3894816
>continued samefagging

>>3894821
That means it's just you and me in this thread, anon. Are you ready?

>>3894837
>implying this entire board including all the tripfaggots isn't just you and I samefagging up a storm

>>3894843
That actually sounds quite cozy.

>>3894851
>mfw I'm not quentin so that must mean quentin is one of your alteregos

>>3894860
>>3894851
>>3894843
>>3894837
>>3894821
>>3894816
>>3894815
>>3894810
>>3894806

>mfw the conspiracy runs deeper than this
>mfw every single post in this thread is one guy samefagging
>including this post

>>3894869
I am such a faggot

STFU solipsistic faggots, and listen to Episode 2:
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0spekEiL6wv

>>3894747
>>3894907
And here's Episode 3:
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0xodZGPiah9

This was an interesting adventure.

>>3894747
omg, what accent is that.

>mfw you change your voice for different people

>>3894890
>tfw solipsism
>tfw you only have yourself to blame

>>3895015
I bet he's Swedish.

>>3895040
Nope. Portuguese.

>>3894747
>http://vocaroo.com/i/s1pnXuNLXYbA
GOD FUCKING DAMN MAN
YOU SOUND SO MUCH LIKE TOMMY WISEAU WHEN YOU DO DIALOGUE
WHAT IN FUCK'S NAME
TOMMY IS THAT YOU

>>3895069
Sweet jesus. Tommy Wiseau should quit whatever he's doing right now and do audiobook readings instead.

>>3894273
It's like I'm reading Vonnegut

Part of me thinks this was written by a kid who just saw The Blues Brothers and wants to write a comically over-the-top story about some badasses.

Part of me is realistic and thinks that the author had no such intention.

>1932
>battle for iwo jima takes place in 1945
>skipping 13 years in the same sentence

amazing

>>3894771
>http://vocaroo.com/i/s1m0nY0x21PT

where are you from? I can't place your accent. Very nice voice. I hope you use it as part of your job.

>>3894771
This is clearly the best reading in this thread.

>>3895480
its prose like white elephants

>>3894423
I don't blame him for not wanting to return to that perpetual police state. The government would force him to eat spotted dick and digestive biscuits for trying to emigrate to the states.

>"OPEN UP PETERSON! YOU CAN'T DEFEAT THE COOLS SQUAD!"

>>3894123
thank you for making me feel much better in regard to my own writing, OP. I'm saving this for whenever I start to get down on myself.

>>3897101
Only one person can defeat the Cools Squad.

The leader of the Suave Squad.

>>3894541
Tom is gay

I think we've found "The Room" of literature.This author is just so incredibly inept storytelling and illustrating human interaction that there is simply no way it can be a joke, which makes it funnier than any parody could possibly be.

>>3895480
It's experimental post-modern and the time skips are meant to keep the reader in a state of confusion regarding the chronological state of events

2deep4u

>>3897129
The one in OP isn't nearly as bad as a lot of self-published lit to be honest.

>>3897140
It wasn't until I listened to one of the audio recordings in this thread that I realized the Cools Brothers were supposed to be really, really young in episode one.

And why does he call the chapters episodes?

>>3897151
He's imagining it as a television show probably.

http://www.lulu.com/us/en/shop/alexander-bourg/the-cools-brothers-world-war-ii-collectors-edition/ebook/product-17482859.html
>Not purchasing the collector's edition
>2011

Alexander Bourg is a more prolific author than anyone on /lit/

>>3897150
Two sentences in and I already feel more creeped out and disgusted than even the greatest Lovecraft stories could accomplish.

>>3897165
>12 Pages

Shit. OP posted half of the god damn book.

>>3897188
>>3897165

There's no mention of any way to contact him through an agent, but his publisher is Aimlessly Malicious Entertainment. They have an active social media presence, and apparently only one author. You can find a link to Alexander's own Facebook page there.

Gems include "History of my writing," which I rank with some of Baldwin's better autobiography.

>>3897165
To be fair though that's still probably the best cover I've ever seen on a self-published book.

Honestly, to me it seems like a mature concept written in a very immature way.
Just my opinion though.

>>3897151
They were written during different manic episodes of the 'author'. Clearly.

>>3897165
http://www.lulu.com/shop/alexander-bourg/risberg/ebook/product-17481055.html
"This takes place in 1916 when Ray and Bob Risberg decide to break away from the traditions of Medieval, Renaissance, Baroque, Classical, and Romantic eras to be jazz men. Eventually they would settle themselves in New York and make it big. Ten years later, Coolfest 1926 made a huge impact on jazz, therefore it also inspired successful solo careers. They reunite officially in 1950 and get inducted in the Hall of Fame in 1972. This is dramatic and entertaining so enjoy this comic."

>coolfest

>>3897270
>This is dramatic and entertaining so enjoy this comic.

>>3897270
Someone's gunning to be the new Christian Weston Chandler.

>>3897270

still a better writer than tao lin

>>3897999
well that's not saying much

>OOOOOOOOH MMMMMMMMMMMMY GOOOOOOOOOOOODNESS

>Japanese aircraft were dropping bombs and Tom said "Ed, Squul....COVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEER!"

>Luckily that blast did not kill anyone, but people died at Midway.

Never was there a tale of such heroic bravery.

>When Ed returned home, he met his son Robert for the first time. That meant when Ed was deployed to war, Patricia was expecting.

NO FUCKING WAY. Did not see that twist coming.

Who wrote this shit?

>tfw he's written more
>tfw he has other topics than the Cools Brothers

http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=ntt_athr_dp_sr_1?_encoding=UTF8&field-author=Alexander%20Bourg&search-alias=books-uk&sort=relevancerank

>>3894123
TL;DR

>>3899809
you do know you're on the /lit/ board, right?

>>3894771
think I just fell in love with you based on your voice alone

>>3897527
>We'll successfully contribute differently.

You can sort of tell that he's trying to say the story in the smallest amount of drawings possible.

>>3899804
I really want to read From Depression to Death.

This guy could be the next Kierkegaard or something.

>>3901322
http://www.lulu.com/shop/alexander-bourg/from-depression-to-death/paperback/product-2415684.html

You can read half of it in the preview.

>Eddie committed suicide as a result of his depressin. What is the definitin of that particular term? Depression is a frm of illness in which chemicals in the brain are imbalanced. Sometimes people are born with depressin, sometimes people like my friend Eddie developed it due t unfortunate incidents.

>>3901349
Confirmed for next Kierkegaard.

>>3894771
I cannot express how much I love your voice.

>>3894747
>Moar?
Noice.