/lit/ - Literature

this is a short story I wrote for an English class I took last year. I wanted to try my hand at writing sci-fi. the plot twist is probably pretty obvious to you guys, but my professor and the other people who read the draft actually didn't see it coming.

>>3727538
Whoops

http://pastebin.com/b9squkrh

Feyerabend’s thesis to his argument against scientific method is underlined in his introduction of ‘Against Method’. In it he concurs that “a complex medium containing surprising and unforeseen developments demands complex procedures and defies analysis on the basis of rules which have been set up in advance and without regard to the ever-changing conditions of history” . In layman’s terms, Feyerabend is saying that science couldn’t ever have abided by a consistent method due to its complexity, and thus due to any method’s inability to ever account for the unpredictability of what’s to come in the future. This can be approached in two ways, as the assumptions that Feyerabend makes here is an exclusivity between the ‘ever-changing conditions of history’ and how the ‘unforeseen developments’ of science take course within that paradigm, and an epistemological one as when Feyerabend states the methods of science to be ‘rules which have been set up in advance and without regard to the ever-changing conditions of history’ with no leeway, he contradicts the possibility of rationality providing development in regards to knowledge. Feyerabend’s rejection of scientific method thus demonstrates favourability towards anarchistic epistemology which refuses any notion of improved knowledge. As he stresses in the majority of the conclusive passages in ‘Against Method’, the only consistent method that is derived from the advancements in science is the principle that ‘anything goes’.

Since there is only one thing posted above mine, I will attempt to critique it.
>>3727547
Since I'm not good at critiquing things, I'll just say what I thought at certain points
>zombies
wut?
>Life on Earth is immune
Okay, interesting.
>Reputation must have exceeded me
I see he's a very well known person. Being called in by the president to save the world, or something.
>the explanation of the aliens
I like that, I do.
>Humans are special, different in some way that makes them better (in our eyes at least) the whole thing with shame and everything
ehh, feels a little generic but with the aliens being how they are I guess there isn't much option.
>everything else
Huh, okay. Interesting. I like it. Not the ending though, it doesn't feel complete and it's a little boring.

Alright now, my turn. More than anything I want to know if I should just stop writing forever and go kill myself because of it's quality, but I've always been a bit self-deprecating so who knows.

Parable of the cave.
Our politics and love.
Illusion's truth eludes to the grave.
Pulled below, stepped on from above.
Our own eyes tell lies.
Everyone who pries dies.
She never forgave.
She never restrove.
Soldier's fate can't be brave.
All watch them commove.
Why do we apologize.
For their mistakes.
I vomit apologies.
While she would take.

Alright, so, should I go burn the piece of paper I wrote that down on or keep practicing or both?

>>3727624
Again, awful at this kind of thing.
I'm content with people saying "it's good" or "it's bad" and that's as much as I can offer other people.
Don't know why I want to apologize so much though.

I won't post anything, but does Southland in a Cyberpunk city sound cool?

Jones was a traveler. He stood on top of a hill, overlooking a series of valleys, his coat swaying freely in the great wind, his auburn unwashed hair flipping about gaily.

Then Jones collapsed down the hill, his coat tripping him as he tumbled ever downward. In feeble attempts to regain his balance, he pressed the soles of his feet against the ground with as much force as he could muster; his body, however, could not conduct itself in a fashion conducive to walking. Like a ragdoll he found himself flung downwards into the valley below, the rough dirt and grass buffeting him. He finally laid face flat at the bottom of the valley, dust clouds from his tumble settling on his coat, and his rucksack entangling his limbs. His stomach grumbled in its discontent and he wondered if he would ever get up again. For a while he did not stir, and all in Jones’ eyes was darkness. Then, grasping at the buffalo grass rooted in the dirt, he began to crawl. He didn’t know where he was going and he didn’t know why he pressed on. It was a race against himself and his hunger. He licked his lips slowly and with great deliberation. Having long ago dried himself out, his head reeled and his skin itched with the dust of the plains. He coughed, lightly at first, but the coughs grew deeper, growing down into his chest and ripping apart his lungs.
“Ma and pa, I’m so sorry for all I’ve done…”

>>3727624

Even though I have no authority to say anything...

I thought it was good, the way the words were put together stirred some emotion in me... which is rare unless I read good poetry I think.. you got talent

>>3727671
it sounds like Ghost in the Shell

>>3727687
I can see how you'd think that, but I wanted to avoid an overarching storyline and make something episodic. No detective bullshit either. Just cops dealing future freaks.
Also, I'm shocked anybody outside of the four people on /tv/ watch Southland.

>>3727677
oh god I just reread that. Christ.

I'm so sorry /lit, I'll never write again.

>>3727692
I watched southland, anon. I watched southland

>>3727687
Ah, thank you.

>>3727677
I don't know what to think of this, at first I thought "oh cool a traveler" and then "now he's falling almost cartoonishly" and then at the end "I... wait, did I just giggle at something kind of depressing?"

>>3727696
Favorite character? It might sound unoriginal, but Cooper is the heart of the show. and Sherman's growth as a character was amazing to watch. I just wish I could find a show with equally human characters.

>>3727624
Imagery. Your poetry needs imagery. Also, you might want to forgo the rhyme. And don't end-stop every line. Vary the line/sentence structure. Specify. Who are you addressing this to? Can you say what you're trying to say without explicitly saying it? Do you read much poetry?

>>3727706
unfortunately, I was only able to watch the first season, and much of it escapes me

>>3727679
The first reply of>>3727702
was meant for you. I got tired enough to ask /sci/ silly questions so, whatever.

And to the ghost in the shell guy I quoted.
I like you.

>>3727709
>mfw
I'd recommend watching the rest. After TNT picked it up from NBC, it grew a pair of balls. And each season is exponentially better than the one before.

>>3727707
Imagery, something I haven't worked on much yet. Will get around to it though, sooner rather than later perhaps?

I've recently done less rhyming stuff, but for what reason should it be dropped in that poem?

Who am I addressing it to? Uh... nobody I guess. Myself, maybe? I have a reason of course.

I do not read much poetry. I wouldn't know where to begin, I like reading what I find posted on here though... not that it all agrees with my ears.

>>3727740
You should really ask yourself why you rhyme. Do you have a good reason for it, or do you rhyme out of habit? A poet needs to be cognizant of why he or she does whatever he or she does in the poem. I write in rhyme as an exercise, but rarely do I write a serious poem with a rhyme scheme. Regarding to read, the contemporary school is Confessionalism. Plath, Lowell, Berryman, Sexton, Ginsberg were the forerunners of the popular school. Of course, you don't have to restrict yourself to that school. It's just a god place to start if you're interested in reading some poetry for inspiration.

>>3727716
will do

>>3727780
Partly out of habit, partly because I feel I won't be taken seriously otherwise. Which I just now realized.

Oh, it'd feel weird to get inspiration from reading poetry. I could learn from them I suppose but my inspiration comes from taking whatever moment overwhelms me and capturing it forever. Like the bastard it is for overwhelming me.

>>3727795
True, some inspiration comes from the world. However, you'll never improve as a poet unless you immerse yourself in the poetry of the past. To join the ongoing literary conversation, we must first take heed of what has already been said. We do this by reading, man.

>>3727795
Not to sound like a know-it-all or anything!
I know jack-shit! It's just what's... right. You know? Something shit happens, boom, inspiration. Something great happens? Same. What would reading inspire me to do? I'm going to try it, of course, it's just a bit alien of a concept.

>>3727819
Makes sense enough. I wish I hadn't got into such heated arguments with my two friends who write, if we were currently talking I'd be on them like they were to me for something they were new to.
Thanks for the starting points though, what about William Blake? I've heard good things.

>>3727822
Maybe I should rephrase that. Reading does more than inspire you: it makes you more capable of articulating your emotions and creative impulses. By exposing yourself to a plethora of forms and voices, you'll be far more capable of capturing your "poetic moment."

>>3727833
I'd recommend you start with contemporary poets, and then go backwards once you've familiarized yourself with the artistic affectations of current poetry. But hey, that's your call. I've heard good things about Blake.

>Tear me apart, I deserve it with this stuff.
>Nostalgia, the Painful Kind

I look back at you and you’re smiling. I’m sitting on the couch while you are on the chair, and we’re watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Earlier in the day, you picked me up from your school where I was dropped off. It was drizzling, and I had a wrapped umbrella. The umbrella had the tiniest of flowers tucked inside, picked that very morning. At the time I thought it would be stupid to actually give it to you. Maybe that was the mistake I made.
Sometime after the movie, we played games, quietly and at a respectable distance. This was our first date, at your house with board games and awkward conversation. It was the happiest day of my life.
When we were heading back to school so I could be dropped off, I told you that I really liked you. You replied in kind. After you hugged me and I entered my friend’s car, I broke down, as you saw. Maybe that was my mistake.
When we next met one another, we took a walk down your country road. Summer was in full swing, and the sun bit at my black shirt. The wind, a reprieve, made your hair flow like water, and I said something vague. I wanted to hold your hand, but couldn’t. I didn’t have the strength, the gumption. A mistake if I ever saw one.
The rest of that summer is a blur now. It was heaven in the heart of the country. Now, I can’t even think of your town without feeling pain anymore, and the last couple days have reminded me so much of our time together that I now hate the season.

(cont.)

>>3727885
>I hate this formatting, but it's too late now.

The next clear memory is the beginning of senior year. We invite one another to our individual homecoming dances. We know mine will be awful, but your school’s dance will be something special. I climb the stairs after using the bathroom to get dressed when you appear.
The exact way you looked is gone from my memory, and I hate myself for letting it get away. All I know is that you looked just as beautiful as you did every other day; you were just in a dress instead. And I told you. You were the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.
After the dance, you went to your bed while I tried to sleep on the couch. By then I knew I wanted to be with you for a long time.
So much time was spent with you, all of it cherished. Little else of my memories with you remains, thanks to me not writing them down sooner.
There’s the time when I stopped you to look at you with the rays of a setting sun resting on your face, a true match made in heaven. The time when you baked me my first ever birthday cake, which couldn’t have tasted better. The day of your graduation party, where I played a game with your father while you mingled with guests. The time at the movie theater when I burst into tears and ruined the whole day. The text when you said it was over, and how long I couldn’t sleep.
The day after the text we had our final day together. We went to some meaningless movie, I bought us some ice cream and an older guy stared at us from a window while you napped.
You napped. On our last day. Maybe this was my mistake. We could have talked about it more. Do I think I could have convinced you to stay with me? No, I am no reason to stay in the relationship. You did what you had to to be happy, and now we both can look back on these intoxicating memories.

>>3727840
Now that you point it out, it's obvious. Thank you.
>>3727844
Surely there can be no adverse effects to swapping back and forth whenever.
Well I've taken up too much of this thread, I'm going to go read now.

But—but, but, but, but:
one, two, three, alarie.
Take the natural numbers: one, two, three, infinity.
What a blackguard, this infinity!
Which infinity?! We can't even say!
One cannot have an infinite number of fingers,
nor could one even imagine counting to infinity.
For even to imagine doing so would negate the subject.
Ipso facto
Reductio ad absurbdum...

Wherefore and therefore
the sheer impossibility of infinity
everything is something modulo something
give or take
it's all finite bounded
quantum
dying
God's noxious cough
(an afterthought, really)
which is now filling all of space
and we even know that he is wafting it about

(since of course it is repugnant to his sight).
Imagine!:
cosmological inflation:
the Pneuma hacking up some pneumatos of its own
which it soon disregards.
And sooner it fades into Nothingness.

For who remembers each solitary cough
each crenelation,
each wrinkle
freckle fart
each sinew
tendon
each twitching
each paroxysm of the soul.

Yes.
maybe that's more appropriate,
the world is god's paroxysm
a bad dream he is having one night
due to indigestion
really,
a bad supper one night
a bit too much booze and you end up here.

"I know that I know nothing" Thus saith the wise Socrates, the wisest man in Greece. I remember coming across these words in Plato’s Apology, but it wasn’t until later that I realized the true meaning of those words. At first the statement in and of itself seems to be a logical impossibility. Taken in a more figurative light, along with a reading of the entire text, his meaning is more clear. Socrates is the wisest man in Greece because he knows that he does not know, what he does not know. This contrasts with the politicians who thought themselves to be very wise but in fact, did not know much of anything. The Craftsmen in turn were very knowledged in their own craft but their expertise led them to believe that they knew much in other, unrelated matters. This lesson of humility and the acknowledgment of one’s own ignorance has repeated itself to me multiple times throughout my own short life through literature, introspection, and social interaction.

I hate fanfiction. I really, really do. But I came to the conclusion that the reason fanfiction sucks is because the people who write fanfics do so because they're lazy and it's easier to writer characters that they don't have to invent themselves.

I was in the middle of a writers block while working on my own story, so I decided to give writing a fanfic a try. first of all, to show that writing an at-least decent fanfic was possible; it's the writers that suck at it. Secondly, I wanted to try to explore elements of the original store that hadn't been flushed out.

The most recent chapter is here

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8981354/10/A-Mandate-From-Heaven

and if anyone wants to actually start from the beginning,

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8981354/1/A-Mandate-From-Heaven

>>3727975
is this part of an essay?

>>3727624
that's not bad. I'm not an expert on poetry, but I understand why YOU hate it so much. Every half-decent writer is their own biggest critic. This is good thing, because it inspires you to do better each time; and your poem's a good thing, too

>>3729440
I also very much dislike fanfiction, but I gave it a go. Your writing style is definitely competent and readable, if not especially beautiful. It reminds me of the hardboiled detective novels ie. Raymond Chandler. It even got me somewhat interested in the Avatar politics, as someone who's never seen any of it.
Don't feel as if I can really comment on the plot.

>>3727908
Interesting. Some parts work better (fifth stanza) than others (second stanza feels a little too much like namedropping terms from science and maths). Reminded me a little of Cosmicomics, you should check them out.

My thing, first third or so of a short story I'm writing:
http://pastebin.com/LntU3zvJ

O-okay batman.

I'd like to hear your thoughts on this paragraph:
http://pastebin.com/HVCmvEHy

How is my opening?

I don't recall what my name used to be before I joined The Leader's cause because he told me we'd be given new ones once we reached enlightenment and our goal of paradise. So for the sake of this story I will be addressing myself as "I". I remember fragments of my life before I joined the organizations cause, I remember I did a mundane, soulless, job which had no heart in the financial sector of my city. I was unpopular at work but I didn't care so long as I did my job.

>>3729576
Interesting, though I wouldn't really want to read about school (just myself though). I like the style, it's simple, but some words here and there give it a certain formality, grace (?) which is interesting. I'd maybe continue reading for the writing, if not the subject matter

>Laurelai
Cocteau Twins by any chance?


>>3729635
This is a bit meh man, sorry. The first sentence is far too long,

>I will be addressing myself as "I". I remember..

sounds a bit weird I think with two I's.

I'd def. be intersted in a cult type story though. Maybe don't give away so much in so few sentences, it comes off as overly-functional imho (unless that's what you were going for)
~~

Maybe give a look, guys? I've been writing short stories regularly, just trying to train myself a bit.


http://pastebin.com/xSQYLDaQ

>>3729701
Thanks for the critique. This is just a flashback segment really!
>cocteau
Ah there's where I subconsciously got it from!
I love cocteau twins

>>3729701
A pleasant short read. Some parts shone more than other. I totally dig this paragraph because I know exactly what you're talking about

>This one is, um, hard to describe really. I mean, if you know which one I'm talking about, that old National Geographic picture, with a girl looking at you,

I know exactly the picture so the comparison worked really well.

Keep writing my friend.

I just had an idea to write a story narrated from the point of view of someone who has lost the ability to conceptualise his own existence (possibly due to brain damage), and as a result he speaks in an obtuse way, never using forms of the word "I" or "you". The actual story will be in at least two parts; the first part will be the circumstances leading up to this situation. I don't know about the rest yet, I haven't thought that far ahead yet. What do you think of my idea?

Opening for a short story

Over the past few weeks, Herbert’s nightmares had got tremendously worse. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that they had become exceedingly artistic, for they had now reached such a pitch of vividness and horror as to be indistinguishable from reality. He would awake in the dead of night, his body atremble, and recall that just a moment ago he had been accosted by people with rearranged limbs and little crimson imps trying to burrow into his ears; and immediately after waking up, he had the faint suspicion that these creatures would soon enough encroach upon his daily life, or, worse yet, were already hiding somewhere in the house, spying on him. But this paranoia was swiftly disabused of by a palmful of cold water, splashed in the face, and a meditative cup of coffee. When Ms. Tramley called Herbert, he had just finished one of these ameliorative sessions.
’’Herbert, I’ve been worried about you. You missed our last session. Is everything alright? Are you still having those nightmares?’’
’’No...yes...I mean, I’m still having them but they’re not as bad.’’
’’Are you sure about that?’’
’’I suppose I am.’’
’’Are you lying to me?’’
’’Yes.’’
While Herbert had never been interested in acquiring the psychiatric services of Ms. Tramley, he had got them anyway. Some months ago Herbert had been tasked with taking his thirteen year old nephew, a squat little fellow who’s contour suggested a cannonball, to a psychiatrist on account of the latter’s violent tendencies in school. But once Ms. Tramley had seen both of them, she had rapidly concluded that it was Herbert who required regular sessions. Thus had begun the bimonthly excavation of Herbert’s mind by Ms. Tramley.

>>3729751
Thanks. I don't really do this casual style much, but it seemed to work for that one.

I was betting that most people who read it would know the nat. geographic picture

Thanks for reading and your comments!

Bible translations. I think I read about the different translations more than I read the actual Bible. Is it really necessary to have so many? I can understand the update from the King James Version english to more contemporary. I can understand the use of translations that use older (closer to the original) manuscripts. However, I do not understand anything beyond that. Bibles that render the meaning, instead of the literal text, seem to be getting more popular. Why would anyone want such a perversion? The texts are not supposed to be altered.
"Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you, neither shall ye diminish ought from it, that ye may keep the commandments of the Lord your God which I command you. "

>>3729804

I actually got intrigued, by this short little opening.

its pacing was fairly good and it took me just a few sentences for this to get interesting, some of your description were pretty original, like describing the kid.

K, someone be completely honest and brutalize my fanfic.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6158164/1/A-Bond-in-the-Darkness

>>3729870
I refuse to read it because the whole thing is centre-aligned. Do you realise how difficult to read that is for most people?

This is a poem I wrote a while back. Free verse. Anyone care to give pointers/thoughts?

Kinda nervous since my first post of my work on here:

"My apologies sir and sir,
I believe your infringing upon
my
rights"

Please file in line.
tune in.
wipe out.

Love is an outdated product of heathanism.

Anyway,
the proper unit will be 3.
3 is nice.
safe.
same.

If God built me in his image
he must be a flaming homosexual.

Been working on an idea
A narrator goes off on a long artistic analysis of the setting and when he does the protagonist is instantly killed by a random accident the narrator was unable to stop due to being distracted. He immediately breaks narration and starts to become paranoid that with the protagonist obliterated before any part of the story is set up that he as an entity will disappear.
Again in his distraction one of the dead protagonist's organs is transplanted into a completely normal guy. The narrator senses this and focuses on this new guy, narrating his life believing it to be the only way to save the world he exists in. This proves incredibly boring and the narrator attempts to liven up the boring man's life to keep the audience interested knowing that them leaving will also destroy the universe. He ultimately becomes paranoid and starts setting up completely over the top dangerous events as the reader starts catching on to something and hearing the narrator speaking.

>>3729906
That has a lot of potential.

>>3729804
This feels like it's stuck between time periods.

The descriptions of the kid are really pompous and elegant with the word choice and everything, but the dialog is really present day and straight to the point.

I'm not sure how I feel about that drastic of a change.

I do like what you've got going on here plotwise though.

>tfw you have written 4 short stories but you can't post them here because they are not in english

>>3729870
2nd paragraph:

"Take my parents for instance, at first they were always there for me, but when odd incidents began to happen, they began to drift away."

Punctuation there bugged me a lot. After the "parents for instance" I think that should be a semicolon or a dash a la Fitzgerald.

I'll keep reading on to see how it goes

>>3729906
love this

This got me banned for posting fanfiction once. It's not fanfiction, so i don't know why. There's a bigger chunk on pastebin if anybody's interested.

"The Island of Gramarye was raised out of the sea by a trio of demons at the command of Merlin. Supported on three hundred thousand tremendous pillared arches of polished black basalt and white crysolite, the body of the island was more or less a hollow labyrinth of caves and adits, passageways and halls, some new and raw as though hewn crudely from the living rock by the adzes of giants, some having the appearance of great antiquity and ornamented in ways that might have been said to express at times awe, at times profundity, and even a forlorn charm. Others were as straight and level and evenly and logically spaced as though laid directly from some masterful draughtsman onto the naked substance of the island by thauamturgic edicta.

This was in fact not accident or whimsy, as Merlin had chosen the three daemons for this work for exactly these qualities. The conflicts and contrasts which steered the force of their cooperation he hoped would result in a varied and aesthetically surprising set of compromises that would delight and edify the senses. All in all, he was not displeased. Future scholars, observing the conditions and .... that made up the topology and indigenous character of the inhabitants and environs of the island--essentially the roof of his cyclopean workrooms-- are more dubious, or perhaps merely less sophisticated of perception.

http://pastebin.com/Y81EJUwF

>>3729870
so weeaboo it hurts

>>3729924
what language? I've been needing to practice my Spanish so if it's in that I'll read it.

>>3729915
Yea, I know what you mean. I've been reading some Waugh and Wodehouse lately so that stiff-upper lip prose is rubbing off, I guess. I'll post the rest of it for in the next post.

>>3729989
It's not in Spanish but I appreciate it.

>>3729993
It was a dark, gloomy place, furnished with antique furniture and rows of academic books. The receptionist who led Herbert inside the office was a middle-aged woman wearing a hijab. ’’She’ll be with you in just a moment.’’ Herbert grunted in agreement and then subsided into the green leather chair intended for patients. The whole room had a miserable quality to it, a place where people come to drop off their blackest secrets and behave as morosely and, incidentally, as honestly as possible. That’s what she had told Herbert during their first meeting – be yourself, be sincere.
Ms. Tramley popped into the room from another door which Herbert hadn’t noticed, hidden in the shadow of a bookshelf. She seated herself behind the table across from Herbert and apologized for being late; Herbert said that it was OK.
’’How are you doing?’’
’’Not very well, considering that I’m here.’’
’’You should be happy that you have the possibility to heal. Your depression is curable, Herbert.’’
Ms. Tramley was a reckless optimist, the kind of person who, when the apocalypse does finally roll around, would still go about doing taxes, dusting shelves and washing dishes under the supposition that everything will be fine and that life will continue in its quotidian rhythm. She had a bulbous sort of face, with green eyes and a mouth that Herbert had never seen in a state of disgruntlement. No, she was always smiling.
’’Why don’t you have any windows here? Some sunlight would do good.’’
’’It was just built this way. I’ve got used to it, I guess. Do you dislike it very much, that there aren’t any windows?’’
’’Not really, no, I was just curious.’’
Ms. Tramley drummed her fingers on the table.
’’How’s your painting going?’’
’’Very well, thank you. In fact, the voices are helping me.’’
’’Voices?’’
For the first time during their acquaintance, Herbert saw Ms. Tramley lose her smile.

>>3730008
>>3730008
This has now reel'd me in. I'm intrigued! The same consistency problem appears though, but that's not a huge issue in the scheme of things.

>>3729957

Thanks i appreciate it.

>>3729875

Are you sure it really is centered aligned? I'm looking back and all paragraphes and lines seem to start on the left corner..

Still thanks for that little tidbit, ill have to be more conscious of that.

>>3729980

Yeah, it is...

>>3730008


Go on.

Bumping for >>3729508

I've only just discovered pastebin. How fortunate it is.

I have some writings and would love to hear commentary and constructive criticism on them. Some on longer than others.

>Here's the first one.

http://pastebin.com/TvQ3SiRU

>>3729701

Thanks for the criticism.
Here is another excerpt.

We all gathered in the makeshift church.
All of us where dressed in clear white robes, this was after all a very special congregation as our Leader was about to make their very first appearance before us. A cacophony of voices clashed in the church. I stood sitting in the pews with Zeppelin in the back row who luckily took up the rest of the pews due to his size so no unwanted extra would be in our seats, he too was dressed in a white robe like myself and the others inside the church, but his was obviously much larger than everybody else's robes. I pity the people who had to design it. Zeppelin leaned over to me and asked:
"So, what do you think the Leader will be like?"
Since my first days coming to this island I had no idea what the person in charge would be like it was a question currently on everyone's mind.
Before I could anwser him the sound to organ begn to fill the air, I had not realized while I was speaking to Zeppelin an organist had appeared, I recognized the piece as one of Bach's chamber pieces but i'm not sure which one. Suddenly mine and everybody else's eyes where completely fixated on the altar as six people wearing suits appeared body guards as I assumed each one was carrying hand gun . Seconds after the suits came on stage an elderly women soon followed.
The air inside the church became electric as the followers jeered up in excitement.

>>3730512
There are a handful of grammatical errors. There is a little redundancy here and there.

Also, to jeer is to be rude. I don't think you meant this.

bump

double bump

"Ah, That was a nice dream" I could hear the ringing from my alarm clock 7:02am, December morning... My alarm clock had been ringing for 28 minutes.

My room smelt the usual. The overwhelming smells of socks filled the room. It was dark. I opened the curtains, looked through the windows and suddenly just when I was about to yawn I spotted a mysterious figure crouching in the bushes behind the garden. ' Maybe it's "Felix" the next-door neighbour's cat.. or maybe not'

I stared at the silhouette. "Isn't it too big to be Felix? It's probably a large fox! I had put my dirty mud - covered football in my bag . I went to the bathroom, It was cold and the window had been left open. "Hmm... that's weird, do you think the - Nah! Mum probably left it open from last night. She's such a dozy cow!" I closed it and I had a 20 minute shower.

I feel as clean as a whistle, my troubles were temporarily washed away. I turned the gold flowery patterned door knob. The door creaks open. I scream! The walls are covered in blood. It smells hot and disgusting. I touch it, it feels warm but who's blood is it !?

[1/2]

>>3730758
I checked my mum bedroom to see if she was OK. She was gone! my baby brother is still in his cot happily playing with his toy. I locked the room so he would be OK. I think to myself "Silhouette and bathroom window? But how could they have gone through without me noticing.

I ran downstairs frantically to the hallway and the frond door was wider open. I turned around into kitchen and I saw a tall person and with a skin that was healthy golden-brown tint, big bulgy eyes, he had spiky black hair with a tint of grey, scar on his left cheek and he had a stubble. He looked like he was in his 20s and I looked down and I was shocked! He had a knife with blood on it in his right hand! Who was he!!? Why does he have a knife??

Staring at me he begins, "I'm sorry but I have to do this" What does that mean? He came towards me with the knife and I screamed "HELP!! SOMEONE IS TRYING TO KILL ME" I ran up the stairs my hear was beating fast. Suddenly, on the way up the stairs a beautiful blond long hair with fair skin and she looked like my mother, she was bleeding and she had a silver gun in her hand.. I screamed! she then whispered "Don't be scared, Anabelle" She sounded just like my mother and she knew my name and she came from my mother's room. Could she be the younger version of my mother? Is she the one causing all the blood? Then the man downstairs in the kitchen catches up to me. The girl aims the gun at my forehead.

[2/2]

Attention : if you are over 25 and unpublished you will never be a professional writer, i havent been on lit before but you ppl in this thread seem like a bunch of circlejerking faggots with O talent, and mr poet, kill yourself please.

>>3731028
not true you troll

This is from a werewolf short story I'm trying to write lol

http://pastebin.com/tWRkqi06

>>3731037
>I remember fragments of my life before I joined the organizations cause, I remember I did a mundane, soulless, job which had no heart in the financial sector of my city. I was unpopular at work but I didn't care so long as I did my job.

Look at this shit, this guy couldnt even wait 3 paragraphs to self insert into his shitty story trying to dream he doesnt have a shitty life

>>3729906
Stephen king says your a plagiarising hack who should steal ideas from a better writer

>>3730760
Make sure you maintain verb tense. If you start in present tense, use it throughout the writing.

There are some grammatical errors to polish out. I'm sure you can find them on your own.

Try to vary your word choice, unless, of course, repetition is called for.

If a character thinks something, you don't need quotation marks or apostrophes. Just put a comma and "I thought" or an equivalent for the subject. This is only needed for a third-person omniscient perspective. If the story, as these excerpts are, is written in a limited first-person perspective, we, the readers, will be fine without being told questions and statements not in quotation marks are the thoughts of the characters.

ex. She is a terrible cook, he thought.
(third-person omniscient)
>Think as though there is a voice-over narrator reading peoples minds, like in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

ex. I tasted the brown slime with a forced smile on my lips. It wriggled down my throat like some alien mutation, half alive and struggling. She was a terrible cook.
(limited first-person)
>The observations and feelings of the character paint the scene for us.

Also, it might be a good idea to skip to the good parts. What I mean is you don't need to cover every little detail and every little action. If someone is standing in front of a window and is drawing open the shades, we'll think they looked out the window. Only mention actions which are contrary to what we thought might happen or are critical to understanding the situation.

That's not to say you should neglect fluff. Finding a balance between what is needed to perceive the scene and what helps flesh it out--decorate it, if you will--is what developing your style is all about.

>>3730472
Won't someone comment on my writing, please?

>>3731264
>Only one more such vote would, {as the law demanded,} sentence Cephissus Loire to death {without internment. }

Trim your unnecessary clauses,
you want to cut words here where they're not needed, and add words other places where new jargon and fantasy terms are introduced.

the reader doesn't know what a fey council is, they do know what a death sentence is.
Trim some, add some.

>>3731264

the writing seemed to flow nicely... but I feel like I need to be eased in to the world you created more easily...

"Crown Judges of the Elder Council" "Cephissus Loire" "fey kingdom of Sh'chimar" "Sous-General of the 108th Fey Coalescence" "Imperial Medium", "Grand Pontiff Amellon 24th of Greening"

it was all just too much for me, I felt like my mind went into automatic numb mode and I wasn't taking anything in. I didn't know what was going on...

>>3731057

Could someone review mine?

brief snippet

At twilight we would walk along the tide soaked beach, sending our tracks into its pliable sand. Standing, watching pristine white caps at wave break pulled toward and coating our dredging soles, tapping with easy steps into the wave-bearer’s edge. Walking with our hands held low together to render the upper muscles taut and bonded by the depthless black tarp of sea before us, shimmering and cold.

>>3731057
A sufficiently creepy opening for a werewolf story. The prose could afford to be a little tighter, especially in that meandering opening line. I'd suggest condensing the talk of lighting or splitting it up into two sentences. I don't know how old the POV character is, but playing tag and knowing a word like 'testosterone' just doesn't add up for me.

>>3729975
Are fuckin kidding me MERLIN ¿+?

>>3731330
> (It turns out I never got to 2 or 1. My inhibitions seemed to have disappeared, I wanted to find those kids, not count. The horrible thing is, I felt I was conscious of everything that happened that night. It felt like me doing it. But it couldn’t have been. I, Joshua, would never have done those things. I tell myself that now, obsessively.)

hoo boy, this paragraph, where do I begin?

okay, first you don't need to put an entire paragraph in parentheses, second, you don't need an aside. You're weakening the story when you brace the reader for the sentences ahead of them.

>It turns out I never got to 2 or 1.
Try " I never got to 1."
The sentence is more direct and stronger.

Finally, and this is key. Keep it all in one verb tense. This happened in the past, keep the verbs in the past, and don't step out of that until you have a purpose for it.

>>3731379


Thanks :P, this is actually a snippet of it, so it's not the start of the story, just the start of the werewolf part, also, it's sort of the POV character telling his story from when he was older... so that might make a bit more sense

"I had not experienced testosterone yet at the time, but that’s what I’m comparing that feeling to now"

>>3731379
> but playing tag and knowing a word like 'testosterone' just doesn't add up for me.

That is because you are retarded

>>3731391
>I had not experienced testosterone yet at the time
Please tell me you mean adrenaline.
and even then, the sentence would have been unwieldy

>>3731390

Thanks, I'll try to make those changes now

>>3731358
Evocative. I got a sort of boner reading it. Perhaps overly wordy.

>>3730758
The prose of R.L Stine is superior to this.

>>3731407
You can keep the talk about him trying to convince himself he wouldn't do those things, but you have to do it either before, and foreshadow, or after as reflection, You just can't stick it in like that,

>>3731358
You have to break up your narrative flow. Those long unbroken sentences are rough. I'm not sure exactly what you're describing - intimacy, or danger? - Also, who are these people, are they mermaids why are they at the water's edge like this?


Non-fiction essay I've been working on for the last few months.
http://pastebin.com/jCKnuVyL

>>3731315
>Only one more such vote would, {as the law demanded,} sentence Cephissus Loire to death {without internment. }

Well, I wanted to be clear that the council wasn't passing down a sentence but following the edicts of the land. Also, being sentenced to death doesn't mean you get killed right away. In the U.S., there is death row. Being technically specific in my phrasing I felt mirrored the way the law was being articulated in the scene.

>>3731322
I see what you mean. This piece was written as a back story for a role-playing character. My audience was a person well-versed in the world. The world was created by some third party, a friend of a friend, if you will. I was just coloring in this color of it.

Thank you both for commenting. I have more. Can I post them, too?

Swarms of bar-codes hitting my car faster than the speed of light. Dashing across the wind-shield, smashing up and mixing in with the rain.

Highway ghosts amidst drug haze. City ghosts (!).

Out the window, in between monochrome sheets and gray shapes there's this girl. Pearly china doll teeth and a tattoo that say "kill kill."

I'll bet she knew how to hang them out dry as the lamb. She knew how to do skeletons, she knew how to bend over backward. Foul steam heaving out of her. Black pores under and around the eyes, which were emerald green.
She had these swollen pupils, torn at the edges, and beneath them the corroded nostril cavity, hanging bacterium, micro-ecosystems and pointless molecules, sub-atomic particles, the nine oceans of hyperborea, the sweet dream of all potentialities, and beyond that the void, I guess.

>>3731429
*corner of it

There... I fixed it, I think it reads much better now,

thanks /lit/!

http://pastebin.com/VMnzHp76

>>3731429
common mistake, thematic resonance over clarity. Focus on conveying the story first, you can color it to match the scene afterwards

She was standing in her doorway when I first noticed the all-too familiar spots on her shoulders. The tiny, red marks crawling along her skin. Exposed to me for a brief moment, when her shirt came down revealing her flesh.

She coughed my glare. Squirming around, it felt like she was trying to reassure herself she had to comment on it.

"They're caused through my shirts, y'know. Can't stand the fabric."

How I longed to just retrieve said fabric.

>>3731514

That was pretty good

what are the red spots?

>>3731432
>faster than the speed of light

This kills it. The phrase just seems cliche, and it ruins the detached, tangental qualities of the whole piece. I also have a bit of a problem with

>amidst drug haze

as I can clearly infer that the narrator is on something.

>hanging bacterium, micro-ecosystems and pointless molecules, sub-atomic particles, the nine oceans of hyperborea

Get some imagery here. At least a bit. I'd love to see these "nine oceans of hyperborea" in the narrator's mind.

Anyway, here's a pastebin of a story I'm still working on

http://pastebin.com/h5jrLC6s

I don't really expect anyone to read the whole thing so far, but any feedback is welcome.

>>3731521
I'm not quite sure if they actually have a name.
They're like, those little wounds you get if you keep wearing tight clothes that sew their way into your skin.

Anyway, I'm glad you liked it.

>>3731432
I really like the tone of this piece. Using sentence fragments helps set the mood, I think. Otherwise, I would say to fix them. Why you have a an exclamation mark captured by parentheses, though, is a mystery.

The first two sentences of the fourth paragraph feel a little muddy. Also, how about:

>Black pores under and around her emerald green eyes.

The "I guess" is a really nice touch here. It was like I was floating into your narrative, a little disoriented, then with those last two words, I'm suddenly tethered back with a phrase that somehow made me laugh. Don't know how you did that.

>>3731524
Kill your first paragraphs. Start with the line “Oh, Ms. Spitz!” I won't go into a rant about why you shouldn't start a story with weather, because you've probably heard it before.

Trim some short redundancies here and there, (like "he thought to himself" He thought. is enough unless he has telepathy) The story itself is okay. You just need a clean up run on the sentences. trimming them back

>>3731514
I like that we're put into the middle of something we know nothing about, that the narrator clearly understands. Sounds like he's going to go after her skin... Little confused at the first sentence of the second paragraph though. "She coughed my glare." Not sure what you mean by that. Sounds interesting enough though.

Here's mine.

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/nickfinn/470954/

Here is my next offering. I wrote it sort of on a spur and had meant to write more but haven't ever.

This one isn't a back story like the other one.

http://pastebin.com/h4jMmY8e

>>3731427
Someone please?

http://www.amazon.com/Keeper-light-Kingdom-Dreams-ebook/dp/B00CJJ9IB2/ref=sr_1_2?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1367691240&sr=1-2&keywords=keeper+of+the+light

>>3731558
You're right as in the narrator's trying to get in contact with her skin. Just noticed how I mixed up coughed with caught, that's what I get for writing half-asleep. The sentence should make more sense then.

I really like your story too. The usage of words and how everything flows nicely. Not sure if it was intended, but I like how the names of both of the protagonists are kinda alike. I for one do not like dream sequences in stories, but yours turned out quite good, since the dream is meant to become reality.

>>3731568
Don't ever use parentheses. A pair of commas will do just the same trick and are not as intrusive. However--and I demonstrate it now--I sometimes use a dash--a double hyphen--stylistically, to the same effect.

Well, okay, use parentheses in math and in technical writing.

A few of your words need capitalizing. Others need to become lower case. Somewhere you have an extra "have".

It's an interesting piece from the heart. I prefer fiction myself.

>>3731643
don't double hyphen
hold down alt then type 0151
See—see how that works.

(for Windows anyway)

>>3731524
>>3731543
ty

>>3731665
Ah. Was too lazy too look it up. Thanks.

>>3731684
*to

>>3731563
Please, /lit/.

bump

Alain Badiou's "Ethics: An Essay on the Understanding of Evil" or something like that. Trippy piece of work.

>>3731563

Yeah that was good. it was very easy to read, and I couldn't really find anything wrong with the writing, it was just enjoyable to read :P

I'm wondering what i cryptex is, and why she went crazy looking at the lady lol

>>3731825
I'm pleased you liked it.

I have a few more pieces. Would anyone care to read them, as well?

Okay. Here is one more.

http://pastebin.com/SScghDsK

I have a longer one I've been saving, but if anyone has the time and attention, I'll drop it in pastebin for you to peruse. Just ask me.

>>3731935
What is this?

>>3731955

something I wroet and then just made it look like a book page lol

I'm sad this thread is dying off.

>>3731955
It's Game of Thrones.
I don't get it either...

>>3731935
>>3732028

lold

>>3731384
Well, yeah. Merlin. Who else do people associate with Gramarye? Gandalf? What's wrong with Merlin?

>>3731700
No one commented on mine either...

>>3731563
I like how you portrayed the protagonist. She's well-written and the fact she doesn't know what's going on makes the story interesting. I especially like the way you described her face in the second paragraph.
However, I don't like how you started the story with "Long ago". It kind of... interrupts the flow of the story before it even started. You could've just erase that sentence and jump right into the action.

>>3732705
Which one's yours?

>>3727573
This is very poor philosophical writing, btw. Freshman philosophy major?

And when anything happened
we read the message written
on tiny scraps of paper
sitting on the dashboard,
beneath pine trees,
under letters,
left of my hat,
right of my home;

And we wanted to be friends until death
And share each other's food
And not mind when we should have minded
And laugh together under weighty palms
And wished we'd never been born together.

And dreams that don't degrade into reality.

http://pastebin.com/bP8Rfd2Z

Wooow

>>3733288
Mine is:
http://pastebin.com/w5EmpATy
The last version (>>3729508
) got 30 hits, but no one commented... Is it that bad?

>mfw it's been a whole day and still no one said a word about my stuff at >>3729876

>>3733636
I guess some people just aren't that good in reviewing, but still like to read stuff.

I don't think it's bad. The way you start talking about the soul is a nice turn, which came unexpected. I also like how you describe it.
I usually don't read that much non-fiction, so I'm not quite sure on what categories I should critize it.

>>3733636
I like it, particularly the introduction. I think your descriptions are good, and the language flows pretty naturally. Would be interested to read more.

>>3731432
The setting sounds interesting. I like that the exposition is pretty direct. Interesting imagery, if not a little abstract, in my opinion. Like one of the other guys said though, speed of light is pretty cliche. I like the concept though.
These are the first couple pages I wrote this morning for a rough draft of some short story I'm working on. I've never actually tried to write prose before so I'm kind of going in blind here.
http://pastebin.com/Hc2grMR1